Similitude

Oh, and all the football refs? Yeah, that's because my UM Wolverines beat the scarlet panties off the Ohio State Buckeyes and are going to the Rose Bowl!

Y'all, I'm bitter. I'm bitter because so many of you seemed to have actually shed tears during this episode and, well, I didn't. Am I made of stone? Do I have a heart of glass? Wait, does having a heart of glass mean it's cold and hard, or does it mean it can be broken easily? I'm whatever it means to have sensibilities shriveled by years of disappointment and spell-check tripping up on "comm." Then I got to thinking: Am I really bitter, hard-hearted, and incapable of emotion? Well, I get weepy at allergy commercials featuring boyfriends taking new and untried medication in order to play with their girlfriends' cats. I can't make it through too many bars of "The Victors" without getting choked up by University of Michigan pride. Even though I don't feel much like having kids myself, the final scenes of Father of the Bride: Part II induce waterworks. And, in what is perhaps the most damning piece of evidence of all, I watched Quantum Leap's "Catch a Falling Star," and "The Leap Home" Parts I and II and freaked out the Evil Dr. Mathra when he came home from getting his CA driver's license, because I was a sodden mess on the couch surrounded by damp bits of tissue and two very sympathetic cats. So, guess what? The heart? Still soft. Even when it comes to The Scott Bakula That Was.

I want to give major props to Ace, Sep, and Sis of Ace for everything they brought to this particular episode. As a background, Sep's never seen the show, Ace watched about ten eps in the first season, and Sis of Ace actually watched the first two seasons but had given up before the third started. You can't fault her for that.

We open with the entire crew lined up in the armory as Quantum eulogizes that it's very difficult to lose a comrade, particularly one who meant so much to all of them. The camera pans to show Phlox, T'Pol, Malcolm, Hoshi, and That Other Guy, all looking down at Trip in an open sunglasses case. Quantum goes on about how much he loved the ship, and how they should go forth with renewed strength in their mission simply because Trip was such a good guy. Bagpipes (somewhere, if only in our heads and the heads of the crew) play something that isn't so un-PC and Christianity-centric as to actually be "Amazing Grace."

Across someone's bare and pedicured foot, the words "Two Weeks Earlier" appear. Ew! Trip seems to be massaging T'Pol's Achilles tendon! That's one of my squick zones -- if I hurt it or bang it or even THINK about it, I get all tooth-edgy. image, please! Okay, so get this: Trip is lying on his side, bare-chested and massaging T'Pol's general footular area, and T'Pol is lying on her side in some new Christmas red jammies, massaging Trip's bare feet. T'Pol inhales sharply and corrects Trip's fingers. He apologizes, saying that talking about the warp engines makes him forget where he is. I'm so fascinated by how T'Pol manages to roll around without allowing her shirt to fly up that I'm not paying attention to anything Trip is saying about refolding the impulse relays and frosting the warp drive. The only significant comment is when Trip says something about the extreme pleasure he gets out of "fine-tuning a piece of machinery." Wow -- did you see how the Sex Anvil landed right on "of machinery" in that line? They switch positions -- Trip is on his back, and T'Pol kneels at his head giving Neural Nookie (tm Sis of Ace) to his shoulders. Trip comments that T'Pol made the Neural Nookie sound much worse than it was. "We haven't gotten to the more...challenging postures," T'Pol says, bending over his chest so his head is in a very compromising position.

Ace: "Hm, panty sniffing -- I'm sure that's veeeeery relaxing."
Sep: "Wait, are they together?"

Trip says he's always "up" for a challenge. T'Pol tells him to shut up by ordering him to breathe.

Engineering. Trip gets all excited about how he reconfigured the engines, but then it all goes horribly wrong. Fires flare up in Engineering and on the Bridge behind T'Pol. "Fire is exciting," Ace approves. T'Pol announces a system-wide overload. I'm beginning to think that when T'Pol's voice cracks with "emotion," it could be due to the fact that Blalock can't raise her voice above a certain level without it sounding like it's about to crack. Trip rushes around Engineering. Something large explodes, and Trip is flung from the top of the engine onto the ground. Rocks shower him.

Enterprise drops out of warp in a hazy field of Orange Crush. Reed shouts out damage reports, and Hoshi relays the news that Trip has been seriously injured and taken to Sickbay.

Repair site. T'Pol observes while a crew in welder's helmets welds things. Flashback references aside, it's a pretty cool damage set. There's a big hole of twisted metal, and it's almost like someone slashed a knife through aluminum foil and peeled back the edges. I noticed something weird about T'Pol's Violet Veloured suit -- she's got elevated, rounded collar. It's very Queen Sara Saturday. Sis of Ace has her own opinion of the Violetly Veloured Vulcan: "She kind of looks like Barney -- in fact, I think she KILLED Barney for his pelt!" Quantum checks in with the VVV and tells her that she'll be supervising the repairs. He guides her out of the welding noise and says, "I've just come from Sickbay, Trip's in a coma. He has extensive neural damage. Dr. Phlox says we have to prepare for the possibility that Trip won't survive." All through Quantum's speech, T'Pol distracted me by not staying still. I watched the scene several more times and realized that Blalock was trying to emotionally breathe. I can't explain it any better than that, but her head was bobbing around slightly, her nostrils flaring, and her chest heaving. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Mostly, I was just distracted. However, Bakula did well with delivering a shaky and emotion-filled speech.

Enterprise sips some Orange Crush through a straw.

Sickbay. Trip lies in equal opportunity nakedness with a sheet pulled up to his bare chest. He's got gauze wrapped around his head, an oxygen nose tube, and two small metallic plates on his forehead. I'm guessing those are neural stimulators, regulators, generators or what have you. Phlox tells Quantum that Trip's condition is unchanged. He then takes him to a tank and pulls out a wad of mozzarella cheese, explaining that it's a Lyssarian Desert Larvae, which he uses mainly to make a salve for cuts and scrapes. A more controversial use of the Mozzarella Ball is to implant DNA in it to make a clone. A more palatable use is to deep-fry it. However, the clone grows at an accelerated rate and only lives for fifteen days. "The Lyssarians call them 'Mimetic Simbiots,'" Phlox says. "I call them 'bullshit,'" the Evil Dr. Mathra says. Phlox says that particular use of the Mozzarella Ball is a closely guarded secret. Quantum surmises that Phlox wants to turn the Mozzarella Ball into a clone of Trip. "To harvest its neural tissue for a transplant," Phlox finishes. Quantum wears The Furrow of I Don't Like That Idea AT ALL But I Will Eventually Come Around To It. Phlox continues that there's no guarantee that human DNA will even work with the Mozzarella Ball, but it's probably Trip's only chance for ultimate survival. "To ensure the tissue's compatibility, I'll have to wait until the simbiot reaches Commander Tucker's present physical age, then I can excise the tissue from a non-critical region of the simbiot's cerebrum. It would experience no discernable side effects and should be able to live out its normal life span." "Its fifteen-day life span," Quantum corrects him. Somewhat irritably, Phlox says that he's not making the suggestion lightly, but it is his responsibility to present the captain with all the possible options. Quantum huffs a sigh and looks down at Trip.

Quantum's Quarters. T'Pol walks in to show Quantum a piece of party barf (tm Sis of Ace) they found accumulating on the outer hull of the ship. It's mostly composed of iron ions and stuff they can't identify, and it took multiple phase cannon blasts to dislodge it. Maybe Enterprise needs a Waterpik? Quantum slaps the party barf on his table, and a coffee cup smashes into it. As an afterthought, T'Pol points out that it's highly magnetic. The danger is negligible at this time, which, of course, can only mean that it will become life-threatening in a matter of days. Quantum notes that the longer they stay put with no engines, the more party barf will accumulate. Not if they give the hull a daily swish of Listerine, it won't. But for effectiveness, the hull would have to hold it for thirty seconds. And that's a bitch. Although, if they put out for that new orange flavor, it's not supposed to be that intense. Personally? I think it looks like that Orange Glo stuff that the OxyClean guy's always shouting at you to clean your entire house with. T'Pol wonders if Quantum has made up his mind about turning the Mozzarella Ball into Trip. "I approved it," Quantum barks. T'Pol questions whether he realizes that the Mozzarella Ball Prime Conclave has banned the procedure as very, very bad. Quantum doesn't answer to the Mozzarella Ball Prime Conclave. T'Pol reminds him that they'll be growing a sentient being on the ship, only to harvest its stem cell anvils. Quantum's aware of all that, but they have a major mission going on and they need Trip to complete that major mission. If they weren't in the Expanse, things might be different. Well, yeah. Trip wouldn't have been knocked off the drive by an explosion brought about by issues in the Expanse. Quantum adds, "Earth needs Enterprise. Enterprise needs Trip." Trip needs Mozzarella Ball. Mozzarella Ball needs fresh basil, tomatoes, and olive oil. Do you get where we're going with this, T'Pol? Good.

Sickbay. Phlox takes blood from Trip's neck and injects it into Mozzarella Ball. He then sticks a probe into Mozzarella Ball, who splutters wetly. I think they just wrapped a water balloon in toilet paper to make Trip's clone.

Sep: "They reset his Tripometer."
Ace: "Two Trips, no waiting."

Phlox monitors unfertilized eggs on a screen. Dude! Trip's actually a woman! Not only that, an OVULATING woman! Or they could just be cells.

Enterprise is developing quite the party barf plaque problem. Maybe it should stop swilling all that Orange Crush. Status: engines are down, party barf is plaquing up, and Mozzarella Ball Trip is two days old.

Sickbay. Phlox guides Quantum to a object shrouded like a sideshow at a carnival. He whips off the cover and shows him a baby floating in orange goo while connected to a tube. It IS a carnival sideshow! Ew, the baby's got creepy strings hanging off of him. "Aw, how cute. Trip, he may have your eyes, but those strings are all Mozzarella Ball's!" Hey, do you think it's a good idea to poach the baby in Orange Crush at such a formative age? Look what it's doing to the hull of the ship! Phlox says that tomorrow morning they'll have a healthy baby boy on their hands. Now this is where it would be funny to find out that Trip's actually a woman. Think about it: no one has seen him naked, Phlox injected eggs into the Mozzarella Ball, AND he got pregnant. It could work.

A baby cries in the same incubator they put Porthos in. I hoped they cleaned it out since then. I mean, I love dogs, but, you know, stinky. Phlox proclaims Mozzarella Baby a "perfect genetic duplicate." Hold on, where did they get the dinky-poo shirt and the equally dinky-poo knitted cap? From the same store where they got the Western duds and guns? "Ye Olde Generally Spacey Store: Western clothes, six-shooters, and all the baby clothes you could want! We're located just around the corner from Porthos's hydrant so mind the poo!" Phlox hands a bottle over to T'Pol and pulls Mozzarella Baby out of the incubator, cooing that it's been a long time since he handled a newborn. Considering he's holding the kid upside down, I would have guessed as much. Kidding! I'm just kidding, god. Don't go getting your diapers in a twist. Now, I wonder if there were any strong opinions aboard regarding breast-feeding. I think if Phlox can make a Trip out of a mild, white fresh Italian cheese, he could make a wet nurse out of Hoshi or T'Pol. And that's not sexist, that's just dinners. Although T'Pol, being Vulcan, probably has copper-based milk, and no one wants to see that spit up.

Phlox feeds the baby. From the bottle, dudes. In the sour corner, Quantum muses that three days ago Mozzarella Baby was just one of Phlox's "creatures," something he "kept on a shelf." Is he calling Mozzarella Baby a slug? Because all babies look like that for the first few months. Phlox blandly agrees that Mozzarella Baby has come a long way, baby. T'Pol feels the need to remind them all how quickly they grow up. Can I get a few bars of "Sunrise, Sunset" over here? When T'Pol asks where the kid is going to live, Phlox suggests his Sickbay-cum-laboratory. Why not? He'll truly be a product of his environment. Quantum agrees, and he and T'Pol take their sour attitudes to the door. Phlox stops them in their sour tracks when he says he now needs to find a name for the little cheeseball. I'm all for "Buffalo." Phlox doesn't like the suggestions he's been given, "Steven, Enrique, Dennis." As Phlox continues to giggle and coo over the baby, T'Pol and Quantum roll their eyes in irritation. Yes, the two crabpots are really regretting Quantum's decision to allow this procedure. Quantum's sure Phlox will think of something, and he leaves. I think he should name the cheeseball "Edward Furrowlong" just to piss both T'Pol and Quantum off.

Phlox's log says he's finally come up with a name, "Sim," which is so stupid I'm not even going to qualify it by using it. Phlox logs that it's lucky Denobulans require such little sleep so that he can stay up all hours while Mozzarella Baby teethes. He adds that he doesn't know how humans do it. Well, my parents rubbed rum on my gums. Explains a lot, doesn't it? There's a scene of Phlox changing Mozzarella Baby and acting grossed out when he peels back the diaper. He thinks he's found a fertilizer for his fern. I wonder if all new parents should start doing that -- they'd have beautiful bougainvillea and jacaranda, and the whole neighborhood would whisper, "Where did they find the time?" and start predicting that their marriage is falling apart because people who have a new baby and beautiful bougainvillea and jacaranda can't have everything.

Hoshi and Phlox sit on the floor with Mozzarella Baby, now Mozzarella Boy, as he reads aloud from an e-pad.

The Evil Dr. Mathra: "Hey kid -- we're going to scoop out your brain!"
Keckler: "Oh, that reminds me, we have ice cream for dessert -- Bailey's or Cookie Dough."

At first, I thought Mozzarella Boy was speaking Denobulan, but then I realized it was his southern accent. It's as thick and annoying as Dill in To Kill a Mockingbird. Mozzarella Boy wants to skip ahead to another part in the book where the Martian machines attack, and Hoshi is all surprised he knows about that chapter. Mozzarella Boy says he remembers his mom reading it to him before. Phlox logs that Mozzarella Boy is remembering things that happened to Trip at that age. An older version of Mozzarella Boy sits in the Mess, playing with pliers. "So, the older he grows, the more of Trip's life he'll recall?" Quantum expositions for us. "There are some species that rely solely on genetic sequencing to pass on their cultural memories. Evidently humans have the same capacity, this could be an important discovery," Phlox says. No, it couldn't, because not only don't I buy it, I don't want it. Remembering all that my parents, grandparents, and so on did? No thank you! And does it work for siblings as well? Because that grosses me out even more! If you want to argue that's not what he meant, you can't, because it's one of the faults of this episode that they never make it clear or convincing what exactly genetic memories mean. In fact, in several cases the genetic "memories" don't even make sense. Quantum thinks Mozzarella Boy is even starting to look like Trip. Yeah, I'm not getting that. Phlox adds, "And he's beginning to ask questions, 'Where did I come from?' 'Where is my mother and father?' 'Why am I here?'"

Keckler: "Am I normal?"
The Evil Dr. Mathra: "Why do I get that funny feeling when I climb the ropes in gym class?"

"It's only been three days and he's already beginning to realize how different he is," Quantum says. Well, duh! I mean, when you go from being an infant to a ten-year-old in three days, and you go to sleep fitting one size only to wake up completely splitting your seams all Hulk-style, AND you have memories one day that you totally didn't have the day before, then, yeah, you might start to feel slightly weird. Phlox thinks he's going to have to be told the truth soon. "I gave the order that created him, I should be the one to explain why," Quantum says, comparing himself to God.

Gingivitis is setting in on Enterprise.

Quantum leads Mozzarella Boy into his quarters. They must have been off walking Porthos, because the adorable puppy bounds across Quantum's bed and onto his own. Hey -- they gave him a chew toy! Finally. Mozzarella Boy asks if Porthos does any tricks. "I haven't taught him any. Mostly he eats, sleeps, and not fetches," Quantum says, opening a nutripak. Does the poor pooch poop? Or has it been bred out of him? Quantum instructs Mozzarella Boy to fill the bowl up halfway as Porthos yips a little. That dog is so damn cute. Mozzarella Boy drawls that he had a big dog named Bedford that he could "reiide lak a hoarse." That sounds slightly abusive. Mozzarella Boy notices the action figure Quantum used to stab Bug Eyes and says, "Tha's Zephrum Cock-ran." Mozzarella Boy shows off his knowledge about Cochrane and Quantum's dad. Quantum points out a picture of him and his dad on his first day of flight school. "Didja allays wanna be a starship cap'n?" Mozzarella Boy asks. Quantum says ever since he stopped leaping, and when Mozzarella Boy asks why, he says it was what he was meant to do. "Bet it's a fuhn jahb," Mozzarella Boy adds. Quantum smiles without mirth, says that it has its moments, and then tells him he's got something to show him.

Porthos wags his head back and forth as the set trainer waves a toy over him. In a launchbay, Quantum shows Mozzarella Boy how to pilot a remote-controlled starship. Mozzarella Boy says that his dad wants him to be an engineer, his mom wants him to be an architect, but he wants to be a starship captain. Does it disturb this kid at all that the time his parents would have told him that would have been a few days ago, yet he doesn't remember seeing them a few days ago? It's almost as if he doesn't have ANY short-term memory from one day to the , and it's just so implausible that he'd be that calm about it. I'd be freaking the hell out. I truly think they are secretly sedating the cheeseball. Mozzarella Boy adds that it's weird that his parents call him "Trip," everyone on the ship calls him "Sim," and the recapper calls him "Mozzarella Boy." He then asks where his parents are. Quantum tells him it's a little difficult to answer. Mozzarella Boy looks up at Quantum, and as his attention is diverted, crashes the little model starship into a railing, breaking off a thing. Porthos watches it expectantly and barks as the toy lands. Quantum and Mozzarella Boy retrieve the broken piece and the downed craft. "It's brohken," Mozzarella Boy says. I think it's weird that he doesn't even apologize. Phlox needs to larn him some manners. Quantum says glue will fix it and he broke it many times himself. Mozzarella Boy says he misses his parents. Quantum says, "Come with me." Is he going to show him pictures of Phlox and Mozzarella Ball? Because that would be sweet.

Sickbay. As they walk to a curtained area, Mozzarella Boy says that Phlox told him he wasn't allowed to go over there. Quantum tells him it's okay, and pulls back the curtain surrounding ProtoTryp. "He's Trip," Mozzarella Boy says. Hold on! How did he know that? According to Phlox, he ONLY has the memories that Trip would have had AT THAT AGE! There is no way, not even if he was descended from a wedge of Camembert, that this cheeseball would know what he looks like in the future. NO WAY! "My parents? They're not really mine...they're his," Mozzarella Boy says. And then he says that his memories are Trip's and not his. Again, there is NO CHANCE IN FAKE SCIENCE HELL THAT HE COULD KNOW THAT! Speaking this episode's "scientific" lingo, the memory of what you look like in the future, and that your parents aren't yours but are this person's who you shouldn't even know, COULD NOT BE GENETICALLY ENCODED! Mozzarella Boy realizes that he's "just some sort of copy of him." Okay, TRIP before he got coma'd didn't even know that, so WHY should MOZZARELLA BOY? Now, they're just putting memories or knowledge into his head that WEREN'T EVEN TRIP'S TO BEGIN WITH! If ANY-thing, the writers should have made him confused, and Quantum would have to explain it to him, because this way is just TOTALLY BUNK! And I'm sorry, but that? Pisses me off. They could have fixed it so easily, but they didn't. Because their desk chairs come from LA-Z-BOY! Quantum says that Mozzarella Boy is more than just a copy of Trip's memories, because he's making his own on Enterprise. And quite a few others, APPARENTLY! Mozzarella Boy asks how long he's lived there. WHY? Doesn't he remember?! Quantum tells him he was born four days ago, and that there's something he has that Trip needs. Phlox is going to perform an operation on him to get it. Mozzarella Boy asks if it will hurt, but Phlox steps in to say that he won't feel a thing. Mozzarella Boy says that's what all doctors say, but Quantum backs up Phlox's statement. Mozzarella Boy takes half a second to absorb all this and then brightly asks if they can go fix the model.

Enterprise needs a gingivectomy.

Quantum logs that it's been seven days and Mozzarella Boy, now Mozzarella Teen, has practically become a member of the crew. Mozzarella Teen struts through corridors, nodding at people. He sort of looks like a blurred vision of Wayne, Kevin's obnoxious older brother on The Wonder Years. Do you think they have Clearasil at Ye Olde Generally Spacey Store? Quantum logs that he assigned Mozzarella Teen to assist T'Pol. Because helping a buxom Vulcan is exactly what will keep an adolescent's mind on his work. Mozzarella Teen updates T'Pol on his progress and then asks if she's going to see A Night at the Opera at movie night. T'Pol highly doubts it. Mozzarella Boy asks her out to dinner. Okay, gross. He's like fifteen and she's like seven hundred! I think even Mary Kay Letourneau would balk at that. T'Pol turns him down flat. Do you think they put out a specific casting call, "Male part needed for a guy whose voice is on the verge of changing"? Because confidentially, I don't think Mozzarella Teen could be a choirboy any more. Mozzarella Boy thinks that T'Pol doesn't "want to do anything with [him]" because he's different. No, it's because you have zits and she saw you in a tank full of goo. It doesn't exactly put one in the mood for romance. Mozzarella Teen acknowledges that he knows it's weird since he was wearing diapers five days ago. Hon? A tip: Don't air your dirty Pampers when you are trying get a date. T'Pol tells him they need to concentrate on the engine until the "current situation is resolved." Is she talking about the Plaque Attaque or Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Tripeleon? Mozzarella Teen says he probably won't be around after the current situation is resolved. He's really not good with accentuating the positive, is he? Luckily, Quantum calls T'Pol to his Ready Room.

Ready Room. T'Pol reports that the engine will be ready in a few weeks, but Quantum tells her that won't be soon enough. The party barf is interfering with the ship's systems in a majorly magnetic way, and in a few days every system on the ship will be offline. Quantum adds, "If we don't make it out of here by then [EXTREME CLOSE-UP], we never will." The music literally goes, "Duh, duh, DUH!" Not "Dun, dun, DUUUN!" Just "Duh, duh, DUH!" All the same chord, just increased volume. It was very eighties. I kind of liked it.

Mess Hall. Mozzarella Teen has become (thank god!) Mozzarella Trip. Sad, I didn't get to use "Mozzarella Man." Reed walks in.

Ace: "Do you remember him from Buffy? He was in 'Helpless.'"
Sep: "I have no idea what you are talking about -- it's not genetically encoded into my DNA."

Reed notes that Mozzarella Trip's eating Key Lime Pie. "I suddenly remembered that it's my favorite dessert -- now I know why," Mozzarella Trip says. Wait, I thought his favorite dessert was pee-can pahye. You're not Trip -- you're a clone! It looks like he's drinking lemonade with his key lime pie, which makes my entire body pucker just thinking about it. Reed asks if "these memories just come to [him]," and Mozzarella Trip says that the older he gets, the more he remembers. He half-explains, "It's like I lived this whole other life, I can't explain it." Well, that's okay, because neither can the writers. Mozzarella Trip asks if they can redirect the phase cannons to fire back onto the hull. Reed thinks so, and asks why. Mozzarella Trip says he wants clean off enough party barf to open the launchbay doors. Reed doesn't see where he's going with this. Mozzarella Trip explains that since they just need enough momentum to get out of the Orange Crush, the sh'pods could tow the ship out. Reed doesn't think they could generate enough thrust to get clear of the field. "Leave that to me," Mozzarella Trip says, handing over an e-pad. Reed looks skeptical but amused. That sort of sums up how I feel about this entire episode.

T'Pol, back in her aqua jams, reads. Do they have a laundromat on this ship? I have a feeling that most of T'Pol's clothes fall under the realm of "delicates" and could be done by hand with W'lite. Mozzarella Trip rings her bell. No, I mean he literally rings her bell. To her room. Mozzarella Trip asks if she got a chance to look over his calculations. T'Pol is skeptical, but agrees it's the best option, and she will recommend it to Quantum.

Keckler: "Why is Mozzarella Trip's uniform grey and not the usual blue?"
Ace and Sep, in unison: "Because it doesn't have any genetic memory."