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Quantum gets a come hither from Excedrin PM to play Jimmy Carter to the Vulcan's Egypt and the Andorian's Israel. Accompanied by a sour Soval and a Tylenoled T'Pol, Quantum shuttles off to negotiate a cease fire agreement between the two factions. The plot thickens when Quantum's pod is shot down by less-than-friendly fire. Back on the ship, Trip picks up the Captain's reins with considerable verve and even manages not to crack a single pewp joke while on the Bridge. Reed gets to test out his new alarm system, Phlox prescribes some Exposition-D, and Hoshi has a few things to say. A very few. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Look, I'll admit that it wasn't gawd-awful, but it also wasn't anything that made me want to dance around a maypole. I'm referring to an actual maypole, of course, not that poor tosser they have on the Bridge. Folks, I felt more tension trying to figure out which letters and numbers sponsored each Sesame Street. It's like we've been so smacked around with truly awful episodes that in the absence of genuinely good writing, we'll seize on anything that looks like it might have a slight tinge of talent. We don't drink the sand because we're thirsty; we drink the sand because we no longer know the difference! Anyone else getting The American President on TBS in a continuous, brow-beating loop?
However, there were two bright points for me: Although he's no Clark Gable by any stretch of the imagination, Trip as captain made me get down on my knees and pray for a mutiny on the U.S.S. Booty. I also picked up on the TOS-like background score, and it improved my recapping mood greatly. If only it hadn't been for all that talking they added in.
Really dark overhead scenes showing lumps that could be buildings, illuminated ever so slightly by occasional weapons fire. A few Andorians -- led by Suzie Plakston with a body temp of seventy-five degrees below zero -- burst into a room, dragging a Black-and-Blue with them. Suzy Blue reports, "The Imperial Guard will die at their posts before --" Excedrin PM interrupts her to say that he knows his men are willing to die; he just wants to know what their chances of survival are. Suzy Blue gives him the positions of their enemies, and Excedrin PM tells her he's received a letter from the Vulcans indicating that they're willing to begin the peace talks. Suzy Blue looks over the letter, commenting, "Have you ever heard of a Vulcan who wouldn't lie to get what he wanted?" That seems to be a singularly odd comment. It's obviously directed at those of us who are desperately holding onto the last filament of Vulcan dignity, because we still want to believe that Vulcans possess enough honor not to lie when people's lives are at stake. I count myself among that group, by the way, and I really loathe Bermaga for their not-so-latent Logic Envy. So, other than being yet another nail in the coffin of Yesterday's Vulcans, I don't really see what point Suzy Blue's statement serves. Have you ever heard of ANYONE who wouldn't lie to get what they want? Especially in a war situation?
Excedrin PM thinks they can get in a mediator to help them out with the situation. "A pink-skin. He's proven to be quite evenhanded in dealing with Vulcans. His name is Archer," Excedrin PM jaws. He certainly knows his way around a smorgasbord of scenery. But in a good way.
I still think the song should be bottled and buried in Korea for a couple hundred years, but I can't stop the waterworks from springing when I look at Shepard.
From a laptop, Admiral Forrest tells Quantum that Soval considers his presence "crucial" in resolving the crisis. While Quantum fidgets verbally and physically (he's clearly chafing in his Underoos because he can't trot over to his Weight Of The World Window to furrow this situation out, while encouraging Forrest to do some more begging for his participation), Forrest explains that for the last century, the Vulcans and Andorians have been involved in a land war over a planet. At least they've never gone up against a Sicilian when death is on the line. Quantum whines a bit about being the chosen one (he must be all out of African animal speeches and doesn't know how he can be effective without them) until Forrest points out how important this could be in bettering human-Vulcan relations. "We'll get there as fast as we can," Quantum finally agrees. I really don't know what he's making such a fuss about -- he's always jumped at the chance to interfere in matters that don't concern him before, and now he's actually being asked to interlope. Not to be confused with antelope. Or gazelle. He should be in Nosy Parker's heaven.
Captain's Table. Trip's glass of iced tea shakes and prompts him to comment how uncomfortable he is with pushing the engines so hard. T'Pol points out that the injectors are rated for an even higher percentage than what they're currently running at. "And my underwear is flame-retardant -- that dunnit meen I'm gonna lihte myself on fy-ar to prove it," is Trip's rejoinder. Shout. Out. Flame-retardant underwear? Tick Underoos? Holding a lit match on a tick to get it to stop sucking your blood and pull out its Lyme-disease-ridden head out of your skin? Yep, they totally read my recaps. Quantum and T'Pol exchange looks, and Quantum thinks they'll not be "flying her apart," so Trip can just simmer down. The captain turns to T'Pol to show off his research skills, and lists the info he has come up with on the disputed planet: "Class-D, not much bigger than Earth's moon, claimed by the Vulcans in 2097?" Trip reminds us that "Class-D" means the planet is uninhabitable, and wonders why the Vulcans would touch it with a two-thousand-light-year poking device. T'Pol explains that the Andorians got to the planet first, terra-formed it, bought the planet an atmosphere at the atmosphere store, and established a settlement. Quantum thinks the old Finders Keepers Losers Weepers Accord would have been enough to satisfy the Vulcans, but T'Pol informs him, "Its sole value is its strategic location near Vulcan space." Quantum asks if they were setting up the kind of fort you don't build with sofa cushions and blankets in order to take unsuspecting family cats as POWs. "It was the only logical conclusion," T'Pol agrees. Trip wants to know if they had any hard evidence to go on. "How much evidence would you need if the Klingons decided to set up a colony on Pluto?" T'Pol wonders. "That's not the same thang," Trip argues. No, it's really not. One of my biggest peeves with this show is that they've categorically failed to establish any real sort of tension between Klingons and humans, so T'Pol's question doesn't make sense. If she replaced "Klingon" with "Suliban," maybe she could've made a more convincing argument. Stupid writers.
T'Pol goes on to say that H'ns Bl'x came back with the report that the Andorians refused all inspections, so the Vulcans "annexed" the planet to protect them against weapons of mass destruction. If you would like any more information on the on the anvil in Iraq, please call 1-888-Red-Phone. Ask for George. Ever living in the habitat for humanitarians, Quantum wonders what happened to the colonists. Without looking up from her veggies, T'Pol says, "They were removed." "By force," Trip clarifies, in a tone of Look Look The Vulcans Are Proving Once Again How Inferior And Mean They Are. T'Pol looks Trip directly into his close-set eyes and tells him that the High Command was left little choice but to proceed with that course of action, adding, "A surveillance satellite was put into orbit to monitor the agreement -- the planet's been deserted for nearly a century." "Until now," Quantum, Qing of Obvious Statement Land, points out.
Quantum logs how tense the situation has become in just the two days it took Enterprise to reach the planet. Outside the ship, we see two of those cool Vulcan ships flying alongside Enterprise. Trip-Through-Your-Wires bitches at Quantum about how he busted the ship's butt to get them to the planet, only to be made to wait. The airlock opens, and Soval and another Vulcan walk into "The Conference Room" escorted by T'Pol. Pleasantries that are actually pleasant are exchanged, and they get right down to business. Soval wants to know what in the Sam Hill Quantum has going on with the Andorians that would get him a hand-delivered, gilt-edged invitation to the Andorian-Vulcan Conflict soiree. Quantum's confused, because he thought Soval put him on the guest list. "I'm involved in extremely difficult and dangerous negotiations. I don't consider your presence here an asset," Soval tells him bluntly. Quantum prisses up from his chair and tells Soval if that's how he wants it, he and his qrew will gladly continue on with their mission of being elsewhere. Without retracting his comment, Soval tells Quantum of Excedrin PM's occupation and involvement in the conflict. Quantum does a half-turn to Trip in order to repeat Excedrin PM's name to him: "Shran." Is it just me, or did it appear that there was nothing going on in Trip's head besides calculating how quickly he could douse the flames once he put a match to his Tick Underoos and ran through the ship's corridors shouting, "Trip's flaming! Trip's flaming!"? Might just have been me, but he did look all "Brain and brain -- what is brain?" at his captain. T'Pol, on the other hand, looks as though she instantly remembers who their Andorian requester is.
Soval continues as though Quantum hadn't interrupted and says that, when they attempted to enforce the Treaty of 2097 and subsequently regained control of half the colony, a lot of Vulcans had their feelings hurt; a few were even captured. Excedrin PM was only willing to discuss the safe return of the hostages if Quantum was saved a seat on The Big Yellow Negotiating Bus. "For some reason he finds you...trustworthy," Soval finishes. Quantum paces a bit and comments, "You're asking for my help." Soval huffs a sigh and answers, "Yes, Captain, I am asking for your help." Quantum takes a few more paces, this time accompanied by highly moral furrowing, before telling Soval he'll "see what [he] can do." Soval doesn't like how cavalier he's acting about the situation, and reminds him that the "last time" Quantum dealt with the Andorians resulted in the destruction of P'Jem. That wasn't exactly the last time Quantum dealt with the Andorians. Is it too much to ask for the writers to actually watch the other episodes before they commit words to paper? Actually, considering the caliber of last season, maybe it is. I'm obviously made of sterner stuff than those multi-so-many-dollared Trek scribes. Soval informs him that his subcommander lackey will be accompanying Quantum to the planet to make sure he doesn't screw things up. So, there's a male Vulcan with the exact same rank as T'Pol. You know, I don't see him wearing an industrial carpet catsuit, so now who's going to argue that that's the reason for T'Pol's ridiculous "uniform"? I didn't think so. Quantum nixes Soval's appointment and says he'd rather bring along a Vulcan he trusts. He doesn't say it, but it's obvious he means T'Pol. Because he looooves her.
Quantum walks into Sick Bay, where Phlox tells him there's some nasty pathogen on the surface that he needs to be inoculated against. I hope that's enough of a warning to prevent Quantum from bringing Porthos down with him. Vulcans aren't affected by the plot device that gives Phlox his only screen time, so Quantum must go alone into the decon chamber while Phlox "bombards" him with epileptic radiation. Once Quantum gets in the chamber, it's quite apparent that Phlox is serving only to bombard us with Blatantly Expositional Radiation. He outlines the fact that the Vulcans and Quantum have always had a shaky relationship that extended to opposing Quantum taking command of Enterprise, so this request to have him mediate a conflict is a big ol' shockeroo. You know, I make lots of jokes that all this exposition does is enlighten people who have been living under a rock about what's going on in this show. However, considering Enterprise's ratings, I think those of us who do know the poop are actually the ones getting our mail delivered to P.O. Box Dank Bouldersville. Radiation bombardment doesn't diminish Quantum's appetite for scenery in the least, and he paces in a tight circle while telling Phlox, "Maybe we're not out here to just scan comets and meet new species. Maybe we're out here to prove that humanity is ready to join...a...much...larger...community. I intend to do that, whether the Vulcans...like...it...or...not." Dammit, I screamed so loud that I woke up The Anvil Of The Dawn Of The Federation Of Planets -- now it's going to want to go for a walk. Phlox tells Quantum that he's all irradiated, then goes on to say that he served as a medic in the Denobulan infantry: "If I learned anything from that experience, it's that battlefields are unpredictable places. Even under a flag of truce. Be careful." Quantum nods.
Sh'pod. Quantum's having problems with the comm and navigational sensors because of the Andorian jamming signals, so he hopes the landing coordinates are accurate. T'Pol wonders if Quantum read over the Territorial Compromise she dropped off the night before. "I glanced at it," Quantum tells her. T'Pol feels the need to underscore how important it is for him to read all twelve hundred pages of it. "Did you 'glance' at any of the other materials I sent to your quarters? V'Lar's treatise on negotiating tactics is the definitive text on the subject," T'Pol informs him. Quantum impatiently says that he got all the reports she brought to him and was up until two in the morning. Quantum sounds eerily like my dad when he's trying get through one of my recaps. "Glancing," T'Pol states. Quantum wonders what she's getting at. T'Pol figured that, since Soval's so convinced Quantum will fail, she was hoping reading enough stuff could better his chances to prove the Vulcan Ambassador wrong. Quantum is tersely appreciative of the gesture, but doesn't think he's going to "impress [Excedrin PM] by quoting Vulcan treaties." T'Pol thinks this means Quantum has an actual strategy. Please -- certain specific and scarcely to be anticipated meteorological conditions would have to take place in the infernal regions before Quantum would have an actual strategy. Quantum has decided that the first thing he has to do is convince Excedrin PM that he can trust him. But, see, what would be the point of that when Excedrin PM already trusts him enough to call him in as Head Buttinski? "And then?" T'Pol prompts. "We're just going to have to play it by ear," Quantum says, and suppresses a smile as he turns back to the sh'pod con. Drink for the ear joke.
The sh'pod lands, and T'Pol and Quantum walk around. Behind them, we see a member of Blue Man Group dart through a corridor. Finally, after some non-tension building moments, Suzy Blue's voice says, "Don't move, Vulcan." T'Pol shouts out to Quantum, who joins her and announces that they are unarmed. Regardless of that admission, other members of the Blue Man Group pull weapons on them. Quantum introduces himself and says he has an appointment with Excedrin PM. Suzy Blue says Quantum's expected, but not with a Vulcan escort. "I wasn't told to come alone. This is my science officer. She helped expose the Vulcan listening post at P'Jem. I thought Excedrin PM might enjoy seeing her again," Quantum says. The two qrewmembers' heads are bagged, and they are led to Excedrin PM's office. Three steps away. Once he's debagged, Quantum tells Excedrin PM, "I imagined my first diplomatic mission would involve sitting around a big table, toasting with champagne, and signing things with lots of pens." He needs to stop watching reruns of Yes, Prime Minister. All Excedrin PM has to say to that is, "The pink-skin sense of humor." And because they can't get away with that much lack of tension, we finally go to commercial.
Excedrin PM apologizes for the security measures, but they can't be too careful where Vulcans are concerned. After taunting T'Pol a bit about her chartreuse race, Excedrin PM gets back to the business of talking peace. Quantum first wants to see the Vulcan hostages and make sure they're okay. "Hostages?" Suzy Blue repeats. "Criminals take hostages. Kidnappers looking for ransom take hostages -- I assume you're referring to the enemy soldiers we captured?" Excedrin PM assures Quantum that the HOSTAGES haven't been harmed, but they all go off to take a peep anyway. Looking in on the HOSTAGES, Quantum starts to ask, "Are you all right?" Before they can answer, Suzy Blue slams the door shut and announces, "When they attacked us, two of my men were badly wounded. They're lucky we didn't kill them." Looks like Suzy Blue's makeup goes all the way down into her dinners. T'Pol points out that the Andorians provoked this recent spate of injuries when they violated the Territorial Compromise. Suzy Blue and T'Pol act as though they're going argue until they're blue and green in the face respectively, so Excedrin PM points out how needed Quantum is as a moderator. Excedrin PM comes to the decision that they will release their captives only if the Vulcans pull out their military forces, rescind the Compromise, and give the planet back to the Andorians. "You...don't...expect...them...to...agreetoallthat," Quantum stilts. "I told you, he's a puppet of the Vulcans," Suzy Blue sniffs. I always liked Suzie Plakston -- especially when she played Paul Reiser's sister's lesbian lover on Mad About You. She was pretty good as Worf's lover, too. Quantum stands right to Suzy Blue and tells her that he and the Vulcan High Command aren't exactly kissing cousins. I think they must have Plakston standing on a box in this scene. She's tall, but I really don't think she's taller than Bakula. I wonder if all the Andorian women are Amazonian compared to the little blue men.
Quantum informs Excedrin PM that he's got better things to do than be the Andorians' messenger boy. Excedrin PM lets it be known that he is sick of negotiations that drag on for years, and now he's ready to talk to Soval, since he is someone who doesn't have to check with his superiors before he wipes his butt. I added that last part because of the comedy of poo jokes. Excedrin PM also wants the talks to take place in his office, on his terms. "That might be a little difficult," Quantum says, thinking that he'll have to check with his superiors before he wipes his butt. Suzy Blue snorts, "This is pointless." "But not impossible!" Quantum shouts back without even looking at her. You know, if Excedrin PM is bringing Quantum in as an unbiased mediator, shouldn't the meeting take place on his unbiased ship? Quantum suggests that Excedrin PM release the Vulcan hostages as a gesture that he's serious about negotiating peace. "And give away our only advantage?" Suzy Blue drawls. Excedrin PM twitches spasmodically: "No!" Quantum bids for two hostages to be released and the third to be detained until they meet with Soval. "One. As a show...of...our...good...faith," Excedrin PM squeezes out. Quantum nods.
Sh'pod heads back to the mother ship. Soval deems Quantum's deal of "delivering" him into the Andorians' hands unacceptable, and firmly believes that Quantum just doesn't understand the complexities of the situation. It turns out there are some Andorian vessels on their way to the planet, and the Vulcans can only suppose their purpose is to replenish the troops on the surface. T'Pol points out that "engaging" the Andorian ships could be seen as an act of war. "That will be their decision," Soval comments. Quantum blows hot air about the Vulcans being inflexible and refusing to talk when the Andorians are ready and willing to open a dialogue of peace. "The ball's in your court now," Quantum finishes. Oh, I can't wait to see where they go with this. Sure enough, Soval looks perplexed, and T'Pol explains, "It's a human expression. It means the move is yours."
Sh'bay. A random ensign restocks the sh'pod with peanuts, magazines, and airsick bags. "This isn't wise -- the colony hasn't been secured," Subcommander Lackey drones to Soval. "Didn't you hear the Captain? The ball is in our court," Soval tells him, carefully clutching at his robes as he descends the stairs. Hee -- that's his new favorite saying now, isn't it? He even managed to deliver it without looking like he was weaned on a pickle. Can't you just see him going back to Vulcan and trying it out at his Ambassadors Anonymous meeting? He'll laugh down at them from lazy eyelids, flick a speck of dust from the irreproachable Mechlin lace at his wrists, and say to the terra-bound Vulcans, "Oh, you wouldn't have heard of it -- it's a human thing." Eventually, it would make that moronic sheet of Jessica P'Shaw's in their EW. Trip comes all the way to the sh'bay to tell Quantum he doesn't like the fact that they'll be out of comm range. "They're expecting us -- we'll be fine," Quantum assures him, zipping up his quilted Starfleet puffer jacket. Trip reminds him how close the Andorian ships are getting. "I plan on being back long before then," Quantum famous-last-wordses. Trip makes one last attempt at keeping Quantum on board: "T'Pol said that Territorial Compromise took eight years to work out." Quantum promises not to dilly-dally. God, separation anxiety much? If Trip had just told him there was a water polo match on, I'm sure Quantum would have forgotten all about those pesky Blue Men and their whining about having equal opportunity to live on a dead planet.
Excedrin PM's office. Excedrin PM orders some escorts to bring Quantum and Co. directly to him and to treat "the Vulcan" with respect. Which Vulcan? Suzy Blue and Excedrin PM engage in some banter that spells out in ten-foot-tall graffiti how much of a wimp Suzy Blue thinks Excedrin PM is for agreeing to discuss matters with the Vulcans rather than continuing on with the violence. Suzy Blue argues that they really know nothing about the "pink-skins," and that with some strategy, they could get the Vulcans on the defensive before their back-up ships arrive. "Enough! I value your opinion, Tarah, but that does not allow you to question my commands. Dismissed," Excedrin PM orders. Suzy Blue wriggles her antennae at him and stomps out. Gee, do you think she's going to disobey him at some point? I must position myself very carefully on the edge of my seat before all becomes clear.
Sh'pod. Quantum warns Soval that the Andorians might insist on blindfolding him, as a precaution. "Thanks for the reassurance. Now, if you don't mind, I'll need a few moments of silence to prepare myself," Soval tells Quantum through gritted teeth. Mathra snorts, "Yeah, Quantum, let's play The Quiet Game!" T'Pol gives Soval an odd look, but Soval has already closed his eyes. Maybe they should lower the cabin lights and light some plomeek soup incense? The sh'pod is fired upon. T'Pol can't figure out where it's coming from. They're hit again. And again. Quantum tries to comm Enterprise, but T'Pol tells him they are still in the Andorian jamming range. Soval suggests returning to Enteprise double-quick-hurry. "For once we're in full agreement," Quantum responds. They're hit again, this time in their engines. Soval I-told-you-sos about the Andorians, and Quantum tells him he's too busy crashing the shuttle to engage in light badinage. T'Pol counts down their loss of altitude and suggests they reduce their speed. "The ground is going to do that for us," Quantum observes. Stop trying to recap, Quantum; you're not good at it. With videogame special effects, the sh'pod crashes to the surface. I just noticed it looks like Soval is wearing a bright yellow obi under his robes of state -- maybe he's playing Cho-Cho San at the Old Vulc.
The sh'pod sparks a whole lot. Quantum, Soval, and T'Pol look around the trashed area. Random fires burn random pieces of corrugated metal shingles. It comes out that Soval is pretty familiar with the plant, since he served there during the occupation. He was in intelligence. Soval suggests heading toward the current Vulcan camp, but Quantum thinks they should try to make their appointment with the Andorians. Soval's aghast that he would still want to meet with them after they shot them out of the sky. Quantum doesn't think they can point fingers yet. "Are you that naïve? Excedrin PM is using you," Soval tweaks Quantum. "This is a man who couldn't sleep because he thought he owed me something," Quantum growls. Okay, first of all, I think that's just an expression. And secondly, since Quantum is doing him another favor, is Excedrin PM again going to be plagued with euphemistic insomnia until he takes himself with a glass of water? Quantum doesn't think Excedrin PM would have dragged him all the way out there just to lead Soval into a trap, so he's all for finding their way back to the Andorian's office. T'Pol stares for a moment at Soval before following her captain. Not really wanting to be left without muscle to protect him, Soval follows T'Pol.
Enterprise. Trip is concerned about the fate of his captain, but Subcommander Lackey tells him from the bridge's viewscreen that if any rescue attempts are necessary, the Vulcans will make them. He's trying to work in "the ball is in our court" here, isn't he? I notice that behind Subcommander Lackey the Vulcan ships seem to have lots of green lights in the panels. I'm sure it's to help throw a green cast on the actors' Vulcan faces, but I can't help wondering if it's their answer to our "red alert." Think about it: we humans have red blood, and because of that, red is a recognizable symbol of danger for us. Since Vulcans have green blood...do you see where I'm going with this, or did I mismeasure my gin again? After more wedging of himself into the Bermaga Snotty Vulcan Mold, Subcommander Lackey snits off without giving Trip any satisfactory information regarding the whereabouts of his captain. Trip directs Hoshi to continue with her efforts to locate Quantum, and asks May-Exit about the progress of the Andorian ships. The progress is that they're closer.
Excedrin PM bellows at Suzy Blue that he gave specific orders not to screw with the sh'pod. "And they were followed!" Suzy Blue tells him. She implies that the Vulcans fired on the sh'pod in order to blame it on the Andorians and therefore justify an invasion. Hold the phone -- I think she could be lying! Excedrin PM doesn't think the Vulcans would go that far, but Suzy Blue argues that they'd do anything to get squatting rights away from the Andorians. I drink through more verbal evidence that Suzy Blue will one day betray Excedrin PM with a kiss. Finally, Excedrin PM pulls rank to shut her up and tells her he wants the two Vulcans and Quantum brought to him alive, saying he won't give the Vulcans any reason to invade. "I'll see to it myself, sir," Suzy Blue says. I'm sure she will.
In the dark, Quantum and Soval argue about who doesn't really know what about the area. Why is it always night on these planets of ill repute? I think they're just trying to save on set design and they don't want us to recognize this as the same interiors from "The Communicator" and the exteriors from "Detained". Skinflints. Weapons seem to fire near them; from crouched positions, they determine that the guns aren't firing at them. Quantum and Soval argue about their move. Finally, Quantum says he will take a look around, and instructs Soval and T'Pol to stay put. "Captain!" T'Pol bellows out, soundly strangely desperate. "SHHHH!" Mathra hisses, turning over in his sleep and displacing both cats. I think she has to go to the bathroom. "That's an order!" Quantum tells her. "No offense, but my ears are less likely to draw fire than yours!" Quantum darts off, phaser drawn.
"What is their fixation with our ears?" Soval wonders. "I believe they're envious," T'Pol responds. Soval disdainfully tells T'Pol that she's picked up "a slight human accent," and then proceeds to go off on T'Pol's career decisions. He tells her she would have been promoted a lot if she'd stayed on his staff in San Francisco. T'Pol's aware of all that, but she stayed with Enterprise because she finds the job gratifying and thinks the humans still need to have their hands held as they go down the path of space. Soval looks repulsed: "Gratification is an emotional indulgence. You disagreed with our recommendation that Archer's mission be cancelled after the tragedy at Paraga II, why?" T'Pol thought that, as she was aboard during the massacre of several thousand colonists, her input would be appreciated. Soval snips that her decision to speak out against the other Vulcans shows she's indulging in arrogance -- another emotional extravagance -- and thinks maybe she should consider another assignment. "You know, they just haven't been able to create any other kind of tension with T'Pol's character other than these constant threats to reassign her. I guess that's enough, though, because if Blalock left the show, so would her dinners," Mathra snores. T'Pol kneels oddly close to Soval and says, "Just because Captain Archer has earned my respect doesn't mean I've been contaminated by his emotions." Does Soval know that she's got Vulcan AIDS? The High Command certainly knows, so I find it sort of odd that he never alludes to it in this episode. Even odder considering that last week T'Pol made a grand statement about how she was going to publicly speak out against Dr. Yurinate being ostracized from Vulcan society. Quantum returns and reports no joy in finding the Andorians. They decide to press on.
Suzy Blue and a few other Andorians search the empty sh'pod. Suzy Blue determines that they must be on their way to Excedrin PM's office.
Enterprise Bridge. Hoshi thinks she's isolated a human bio-sign on the surface, but doesn't yet know the location. May-With-Or-Without-You reports that the Andorian ships are now only thirteen minutes away, and Reed thinks the Vulcans are aware of their proximity as well. "They're breaking orbit -- probably giving themselves room to maneuver," Maxcolm Factor tells Trip. "Put the ship on tactical alert," Trip orders. The lights dim, some red lights flash, and an alarm breeps on. Looks like he finally picked an acceptable decibel. Malcolm toddles off to write Revlon and tell them he has a name for their shade of lipstick: Reed Alert.
Soval, T'Pol, and Quantum continue to make their way through the dark and decimated city. They get fired on, and Soval is hit in the chest. On a human, it would be the heart area, but it's probably just Soval's small intestine -- at any rate, he's not looking to shuffle off the old mortal coil any time soon, so there's no worry OR TENSION there. Quantum and T'Pol get Soval to relative safety.
T'Pol determines that the weapons are Andorian. I'm not exactly sure how she knows that, but let's chalk it up to a superior Vulcan auditory canal that can discern the two kinds of blasts. I'm sure one is a semitone higher. Quantum shouts out, "Hold your fire!" but gets shot at for his trouble. Although Soval's wound isn't going to kill him, he could sure do with a Band-Aid and maybe some light swabbings of alcohol. Come to think of it, I could do with some light swabbings of alcohol as well. Quantum once again tries to shout to the Andorians about their purpose there. More phaser fire directly at him, which enables Quantum to locate the two Andorians who have them under siege without the benefit of Seagal's ponytail. Quantum decides to take the Blue Notes down, and hands over his weapon to a confused Soval. "Make sure they don't see me," Quantum orders. "I haven't fired a weapon in fifty years," Soval alerts him. "You don't have to hit anything, just keep them occupied," Quantum orders. Blue blasts hit the stone near Quantum's head. "Really occupied!" are Quantum's parting words. Soval and T'Pol provide cover fire. Going back to my theory of red lights equaling red human blood, Starfleet's phaser pistols fire red. The Andorians' fire blue. I wonder if the Klingons have pink fire power and fuchsia alert signals. Quantum climbs a convenient ladder and takes down an Andorian by saying, "Hey!", tapping him on the shoulder, and giving him the old Kirk One-Punch-And-You're-Out. Pretty good, except for the part when Quantum tosses a gun over the ledge. I know he's all about being on a peacekeeping mission, but when people are shooting at you, it might be smarter not to give them an opportunity to recover additional firepower. Having dispatched one of the meddlesome Blue Bloods, Quantum sneaks down the ladder to find the other one.
Space. Three foreign ships head toward the Planet of the Week.
Enterprise Bridge. Trip is disturbed by how close the Andorian ships are to the Vulcan ships, especially since both ships are now charging weapons. Trip orders May-Mothers-Of-The-Disappeared to set a new course planting Enterprise smack in between the Vulcans and the Andorians, thus making a lumbering parallel to Quantum's mission on the surface. Hoshi gives Trip a look. "If you don't mind me asking, what do you have in mind?" Reed wonders. Instead of answering, Trip sits down in the captain's chair and gives a long, steely-eyed Soap Opera pause. Wow. I actually respect him in this scene. Of course, that goes away as soon as the image of him in flaming tighty-blueys forces itself unbidden into my mind.
Quantum crawls through piles of twisted metal and stops right under the sound of phaser fire. The camera pans slowly up so we can see that it's Suzy Blue doing the firing. Oh, my. What a twisted plot we cull when first we practice to be dull. Quantum sneaks up behind Suzy Blue, pulls out his pistol, and orders her to drop her weapon. At the sound of his voice, Suzy Blue's antennae swivel backwards. People have suggested that the Andorians can actually see with their antennae, but I haven't seen anything that speaks to that. If anything, their antennae are just proximity sensors -- like hair on the back of our necks, or whiskers on a cat -- but not possessing any visual capabilities. Suzy Blue slowly turns around to look at Quantum. "I've never fired one of these before -- I'm not sure if it's set on stun," Quantum says. I'm just waiting for the inevitable response to that one. Quantum orders T'Pol to hold her fire. "It doesn't have a stun setting," Suzy Blue says derisively. And there it is. Suzy Blue tosses her gun away while Quantum accuses her of firing on their shuttle, attempting to kill Soval, and undermining all of Excedrin PM's plans. "Why? Do you want a war with the Vulcans?" Quantum asks. "All we want is a chance to fight for what's ours before cowards like Excedrin PM negotiate it all away," Suzy Blue tells him. Quantum tells her that's between her and Excedrin PM, and orders her to get moving. Somehow, Quantum manages to stumble and fall down, which gives Suzy Blue the opportunity to smack him around. There's a fight scene with TOS-ish music, and Quantum finally punches Suzy Blue out, only to find himself surrounded by Excedrin PM and two other Andorians, all with weapons aimed at him.
Space. Tiny little Enterprise stands stubbornly in the middle of five other ships. Hoshi reports that they're being hailed by the Vulcans and the Andorians. Acting Cpt. Trip orders both of them put up on the screen. Hoshi splits the screen to show us a pissy Vulcan and a pissed-off Andorian. "This is Commander Tucker," Trip states. The Vulcans and the Andorians recommend that Trip withdraw his ship. Trip lets the Andorian and the Vulcan argue with one another for a bit. "Any vessel attempting to enter orbit will be fired upon," Subcommander Lackey says. "That includes yours, Subcommander," Trip tells him. The Andorian appreciates Trip's support, but Trip tells him not to go sending him any chocolates, as he will open fire on any ship, Vulcan or Andorian, that gets pushy. To make his point, he turns to Reed and asks, "Phase cannons?" "Locked and ready," Reed smirks grimly. You know what would be great? If they exchanged Reed for Jeff from Coupling. Then we could have scenes of Reed running up to alien women, only able to blither about porn jelly or keeping women's ears in buckets. The "Nudity Buffer" and "Melty Man" could take on completely different meanings in outer space. Subcommander Lackey tries to tell Trip it's none of his business. "As long as my captain is stuck in the middle of your war zone, it is," Trip states. Still not accepting T'Pol as a valued member of his crew? That's pretty sad and immature of him. Subcommander Lackey blames the Andorians for making Quantum a casualty of their private little function. May-A-Day-Without-Me makes an indignant face. He's really getting good at that face -- my guess is he makes it every time he reads the week's script. Trip warns them not to count Quantum out so fast. "We've managed to isolate his bio-signature," Trip glares. "Now, why don't you both give him and Ambassador Soval a chance to do their jobs before we start a war up here?" Nice one. I have a feeling Trip is enjoying playing the heavy so much that as soon as the viewscreen goes off, he dances around the Bridge and whoops it up a bit.
Surface. Suzy Blue tries to blame the fight on Quantum. Before Excedrin PM can comment, T'Pol and Soval join the group. After asking if the Vulcans are all right, Quantum turns to Excedrin PM to say, "I suppose I shot the Ambassador to make my story more convincing?" Excedrin PM doesn't see how his loyal lieutenant would betray him. Soval and T'Pol suggest that, while Excedrin PM is willing to talk peace, there are other Andorians who would rather wage war. Excedrin PM turns an accusing eye on Suzy Blue, who comes over all surprised and asks how long she's served with him and followed his orders when it put her life in danger. "She's not the only one who risked their life [sic]," Quantum reminds Excedrin PM. "I said I'd bring Soval to meet you and we damn near got killed getting him here. I came because you asked me, because you thought I could be trusted." Quantum suggests that Excedrin PM check Soval's wound and the scars on the sh'pod to see that they all came from Andorian weapons. Excedrin PM accuses Suzy Blue, who owns up to the double-cross and tells Excedrin PM that there are many more Andorians out there who don't agree with his cowardly gestures of peace. Suzy Blue is taken away. "See to the Ambassador's wounds -- we have a lot to discuss," Excedrin PM says. Soval nods.
Bridge. Reed reports that both the Vulcan and Andorian ships are breaking orbit and heading for the planet. "Arm the forward phase cannons, see if you can target their weapons," Trip orders. I might be out of line here, but how is it that any of the alien vessels were ever intimidated by this Starfleet vessel's markedly inferior weaponry? Hoshi announces that Quantum is hailing them, so Trip tells Reed put his trigger finger on pause. The ensuing conversation between Trip and Quantum is so oddly stilted -- even for Bakula -- that I think they recorded the two sides of the exchange at completely separate times. It just doesn't meld together at all, and Bakula's delivery is atrociously amateurish -- it sounds as though he's reading his lines from a piece of paper he just got handed five minutes ago. The upshot is that the Andorians are allowing the Vulcan ships to come and pick up their people, Soval's getting sprayed with Bactine, and they will need a ride back to the ship. "I'll send Travis in Sh'pod Two," Trip responds. They seem to have an endless supply of Sh'pod Ones -- what ever happened to the sh'pod that crashed on the planet in "Dawn"? Plus, is this current crashed pod going to get repaired? Their insurance premiums must be through the roof by now.
Quantum logs that the talks between the Andorians and Vulcans haven't been easy, but they've been productive. In the Conference Room, Excedrin PM tells Soval that the Andorians won't be satisfied until the Vulcans acknowledge the Andorian claim to the planet. "I believe someone once defined a compromise as a solution that neither side is happy with," Quantum puts in. Shut up, Quantum. "In that case, these talks have been extremely successful," Excedrin PM snarks. "I consider any negotiation that averts war to be a success," Soval comments. Excedrin PM slams out of his chair and stands up threateningly. Soval just watches him. Excedrin PM grabs a purple bottle in the middle of the table and pours out a few glasses, saying, "Join me in a drink to celebrate our mutual dissatisfaction." Oh, look -- Quantum is getting the diplomatic mission of his dreams. Where are all the pens? "Vulcans don't drink," Soval tells him. Excedrin PM's antennae go back. Quantum looks uneasy. "But this occasion merits an exception," Soval concedes. Heh -- the Vulcans really are drama queens. Everyone stands up and raises a glass. "To the ceasefire. It wouldn't have been possible without the help of our human friends," Excedrin PM toasts. I think Quantum's sleeping in the Conference Room tonight. He won't be able to fit his head out the door. "And to the successful continuation of these talks on Andoria," Soval adds. "I trust there will be more accomplished than just talk," Excedrin PM finishes with a grimace. Everyone drinks. With a bottle of Vouvray, I toast this episode being over and drink deeply as well. T'Pol manages to make a small moue as she sips her glass. Whatever -- we all know how much Blalock likes her sauce. T'Pol asks Quantum's permission to escort the Vulcans to the airlock. Quantum gives it. Soval starts to walk out, but turns back to say, "Captain, your presence here has not been...overly meddlesome." Hee. One of my favorite aspects of the Vulcans is their gift for ridiculous understatement. Quantum nods carefully. As the Vulcans walk out, T'Pol raises her eyebrows at her captain and follows. "I think he likes you, pink-skin," Excedrin PM says, turning to smile at Quantum. God, but Combs has an unnaturally stubby nose! I hope that's the make-up and not some Michael Jackson effect because it's really weird-looking. "I wouldn't go that far," Quantum says grimly.
week, it looks like Suliban and decaying corpses are on the menu. My mouth is watering already.