The Seventh

Just what we need -- another episode where the "unemotional" Vulcan is showing us six easy steps to becoming a hysterical basket case. It actually would have been a unique and interesting premise for a plot, had they not already trotted out T'Pol's Postcards From The Edge several times in the first season. Taking into account Hoshi's various exhibitions of emotional unsteadiness along with T'Pol's, it might be nice to see one of the men on this show come unhinged -- but of course, that would require actual acting on the part of some of them. This recent chapter of T'Pol having more issues than a daily paper really makes you wonder if the writers were living under a rock each time "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" tale came up in polite conversation. A word of advice to the writers, creators, and directors: Enough is enough! T'Pol as a four-time winner of the "Snake Pit" award doesn't make her sexy; it makes her boring.

T'Pol is reading a book in Vulcan. Although it's so small, what it really looks like is one of those palm-sized books bound in red velvet or purple silk that stores like Urban Outfitters clutter their wooden bins with. You know the ones I mean, don't you? They have Chinese or Sanskrit on all the pages -- most likely saying, "Making trinket books for the American market to buy at fifteen bucks a pop is particularly idiotic" -- but when you read them on the T, you look intelligent and vaguely mysterious. For all we know, that's what her book says as well -- it's not like anyone out there has seen fit to devote their lives to writing dictionaries, teaching seminars, and founding camps to learn this particular Trek Tongue. Stupid, worthless Klingon subjunctive tense. T'Pol gets a transmission from an elder, female-y Vulcan telling her, "We've located Menos." T'Pol asks where "he" is, and if they're sure it's "him." They're sure. Of course they are -- they're Vulcans, after all. T'Pol clenches her jaw. Oh good, The Ambiguous But Kinda Threatening Message Device to begin an episode. That's never been used before.

Of all David Bowie space oddities, when I hear the theme song, I now have this image in my head of Scott Bakula singing it.

Quantum's Ready Room. T'Pol -- obviously unsettled to anyone whose vision isn't obscured by Down In The Furrow, Furrow So Low, Hang Your Head Over, Hear The Wind Blow -- greets her captain. "Mornin'," he chews. "Toast?" Man, they are always eating on this ship -- what is with their food obsession? I always want what's on their plates. Of course, it could be me who has the problem. Surprisingly, T'Pol declines the crumb-blown offer and tells him that Forrest will be giving him a jingle later that day. "Oh, really?" Quantum snorts. "And how would you know that?" Do you have to be such a jerk all the time? I mean, has it become your goal in life to tick me off every Wednesday night? T'Pol tells him that the Vulcan High Command contacted her the night and gave her the lowdown because they need her on a security matter. Quantum continues to be flip and obnoxious, even when T'Pol's Voice Of Extreme Strickenness tells him they have to divert to the Pernaia System, where she will need a sh'pod and pilot for a few days. If you look slightly to the right, you can see May-Benched begging, "Can I go in now, Coach -- huh, huh, can I?" Quantum presses her for specifics, but T'Pol continues to be all "I can neither confirm nor deny that" about the whole matter. The only thing she will tell him is that, should she choose to accept her mission, a Vulcan ship will meet up with her sh'pod when the deed is done. Quantum hazards a guess that she's going to the Pernaia System to pick someone up and deliver them to the High Council. T'Pol steadfastly pretends she's gainfully employed by the NSA. "Thanks for being so enlightening," Quantum sarcasms, not even trying to keep the tone of arrogant amusement out of his voice, and dismisses her.

Quantum's Log Cabin Syrup (with sage sausages) confirms that Forrest called him up and gave him the expected orders. Meeting with the Bridge Crew, Quantum ascertains that they've located the Pernaia system. Quantum tells May-Sub that when they reach the system, he'll be piloting T'Pol's sh'pod. "And where exactly will we be going?" May-Sub asks, in a tone he really shouldn't use unless he wants his storyline taken away from him. For the fiftieth time. Quantum tells him that neither he nor Admiral Forrest knows what is really going on. "Seems the Sub-Commander's on a highly classified mission," Quantum says sardonically, while T'Pol looks as uncomfortable as a student who has been singled out by a suspicious teacher for doing well on a test specifically engineered to demoralize the entire class. Trip is incredulous that they're not allowed to know any more information about T'Pol's cloak and daggering, and wonders what they are supposed to do while they're waiting around for May-Sub and T'Pol to return from Mission Implausible. "I could use a few days to recalibrate the torpedo launchers," Reed offers. Nerd. Trip nods, but only to snark, "I could polish all the handles and rails in Engineering." Shut up, Trip. Quantum draws up his chest and furrows indulgently at him. Trip concedes that he could find some technobabbling to do. Failing that, you could go clean your room and make your bed. Quantum agrees they will all find something to do. And you, mister, you could walk your dog. Again. Quantum asks if there are any supplies T'Pol and May-Sub are going to need. "Cold-weather gear. Restraints and phase pistols," T'Pol tells him. "And dancing shoes," Mathra giggles from the couch.

Quantum's Quarters. He's throwing that damn ball against the damn wall again. How annoying can you get? You'd think the passing aliens would have evicted him by now. He's also watching water polo again. He really doesn't have any more facets to his personality, does he? Over a year later, and I already know all there is to know about him: dog, water polo, furrow. And not necessarily in that order. No wonder he doesn't have a girlfriend -- he's duller than a bunch of dull things. Representing a complaint from the condo board, T'Pol walks in. Quantum doesn't stop with his ball-banging and comments, "If the Vulcan High Command doesn't approve of the water polo match I'm watching, I'd be happy to find another." Quantum, you're such a twerp. T'Pol makes it pretty clear that she has something serious to discuss with him, but Quantum persists in his boorishness by craning around her toothpick frame to get a glimpse of the game. Is he using this particular brand of Pabst-Swilling Overfed Frat Boy Squatting In Front Of Madden Football attitude because she shut him and his "sexual tension" down a few weeks ago? T'Pol steps over to put her butt -- the only thing on her body with any matter to it, if you overlook her Hungry Mans -- in front of the game, so Quantum finally turns it off and grudgingly gives her his attention.

T'Pol outlines a bit of her life as a s'cret a'gnt for the VBI, where she was trained in reconnaissance and retrieval. "Move over, Porthos, and let the lady sit down. Sounds like this is going to be good," Quantum orders languidly. But not woodenly or stiffly -- looks like Bakula's finally reading up on himself. Porthos jumps away. At Quantum's urging, T'Pol sits down and tells him that she worked for the VBI seventeen years ago, but the history of this situation goes further back. There was this planet called Agaron that wanted to forge an alliance with Vulcan, but they were a very screwed-up people with lots of issues, so they asked for Vulcan assistance in purging their society of their problems. Scores of Vulcan agents were made up to look like Agarons and sent in to infiltrate the criminal class, and finally succeeded in overthrowing all the unlawful and violent factions. Quantum interrupts, "You're not gonna tell me you're one of those agents?" Why not -- does he think he knows so much about her life? I'll bet he didn't know she appeared on D.C. twice. T'Pol tells him she's not that old, and that she only became involved when the recall of the Vulcan agents failed to bring back all their altered agents. Nineteen of them refused to come home, and T'Pol was on the team sent to drag them home, kicking and screaming. "I was only able to apprehend five of the six agents assigned to me," T'Pol tells him. Quantum finally understands that the purpose of her mission is to get that elusive sixth, but wonders why someone else couldn't do it. "The Ministry considers it a matter of honor," T'Pol tells him. "How very Vulcan," Quantum responds. It turns out that the reason for T'Pol making a clean, er, breast of it is that she wants Quantum to come with her. Quantum's all, "Huh?" and T'Pol's all, "It's dangerous and I need assistance." Quantum mentions the Vulcan ship that is coming to meet them, and thinks they could provide her with the assistance she needs. Yeah, but you're needed in the plotline. Finally, T'Pol admits that she needs someone she can trust. What does that say for her opinion of May-Blip? Yeah, okay, we all feel that way about him. Quantum furrows at her. "If you don't wish to help me, I understand," T'Pol says. Quantum continues with his furrowing, but doesn't respond. T'Pol gives up and starts to leave. "What's his name?" Quantum asks her as soon as she reaches the door. "Menos," T'Pol answers. Quantum nods, "See you in the morning." T'Pol does a double-take as she realizes that this is his suavely oblique way of saying he'll join her -- hold the "suave" -- and leaves. Quantum furrows The Furrow Of So By "Trust" Does She Really Mean "Sex"?

day. Trip's peeved that Quantum won't tell him what's going on. "We'll be back in three to five days, Trip -- if that Vulcan ship comes snooping around, the last thing you want to tell them is that I'm with T'Pol," Quantum orders. And keep Old Man Withers busy as well. Trip whines some more about not getting A Piece Of The Action. "Three to five days, Trip," Quantum repeats as they wait for the turbo-lift. Trip wheedles that the night before, Quantum was just as frustrated by T'Pol's refusal to spill her guts, but Quantum still won't budge. "This innit jest a case of curry-osity, but what if yew git hurt, kidnapped?" Trip argues. "Yew put me in charge of the ship but yew won't tell me where yer goin'? How'm I supposed to be a good temp'rary cap'n if I don' know where my peepol are -- tell me that!" Quantum won't tell him that. He says that T'Pol's got some unfinished business to deal with, and he doesn't know why she wants him along, but they'll be fine. Sure -- after all, they've got May-Pinch-Hitter to protect them. He's just as tough as Worf. Sorry, I couldn't even finish typing that with a straight face. As they enter the sh'bay, Trip shows no signs of letting up; he insists that there are many definitions of "unfinished business," so he wants specifics. Quantum just tells him he's in charge of the ship, and confirms with T'Pol that she gave May-Pinch-Hitter the coordinates. Trip watches them board in defeat: "Have fun." Sh'pod takes off.

In the sh'pod, T'Pol briefs Quantum by showing him pictures of Bruce Davison as he looks as an Agaron: "The dorsal lobes of his ears were surgically altered. The ridge on his forehead was added sometime afterwards." Like the Klingons. Quantum wants to know why he didn't want to come home, and T'Pol tells him that he was assigned to infiltrate some smugglers. Instead of turning them in, he became one of them and got rich. "Smuggling what?" Quantum asks. "Synthetic bio-toxins, used to manufacture transgenic weapons," T'Pol tells him. So, anthrax? T'Pol tells her Captain that she tracked Menos for three months and always just missed him. Although, once she got pretty close to capturing him on Risa. "They thought they were invulnerable," T'Pol muses. "'They'?" Quantum wonders. "He," T'Pol corrects herself. "He thought he was invulnerable there. That no one would think to look for him in such a peaceful place." Quantum asks what happened. T'Pol tells him intensely that she got close, "very close, twenty metres, maybe ten." Shift to Sepia Tones Of Vulcan Flashback. Zig-zag camera, feet running through some tropical plants, shot of T'Pol with longer hair, heavy breathing. Back to Normal-Color Tones Of Present Day. "T'Pol?" Quantum prompts. T'Pol snaps out of it and tells him she never found him again: "No one did, until now." I wonder how many shows have cut to commercial or to a new scene after the words "until now."

Sh'pod lands in a snowglobe. Dressed up in fur hoodies, the E-Crew enters a cantina full of aliens. Ah, Mos Eisely, it never changes. T'Pol checks her scanner and says, "He's here." Considering that they're the only ones who aren't multi-ridged, aren't they going to stand out like fairly attractive humanoids in an alien bar?

What is up with this new pearly tampon commercial? That visual shot they give, equating the string of a tampon with a string of pearls -- do they even know where that string hangs, and what happens to it when it's there? Yeah, that's appetizing.

Cantina. Quantum pushes his hood back and mutters to May-aprop, "If he sees T'Pol, he may try to get to his ship." May-aprop nods as if this means something, and wanders away. T'Pol and Quantum make their way through the crowd of ETs, looking out for The Fugitive. Quite a few of the aliens look like that dude from Farscape. Catching a glance of Menos's face in a mirror-thing, T'Pol whips around to confront him. It barely registers on his face who she is when an alien barrels between them and tosses them both out of his boozing path. When she recovers herself, T'Pol realizes that she's lost Menos again, and she skitters around, looking. She hitches herself up on the bar and looks around. I don't think she resigned from the Ministry; I think she got fired for lousy observation skills, since we can see Menos hiding under the bar. T'Pol runs over to Quantum and tells him that Menos saw her and bolted. "Which way?" Quantum asks, but T'Pol's not certain, so Quantum, desperate to impress, leaps onto a table and looks around. He whistles at May-aprop, who pushes back his hood and remembers to act alert. From another direction, blue phaser fire zings by Quantum's head. They're probably afraid he's getting ready to dance. The alien barflies start getting riled up. T'Pol and Quantum unsheathe their weapons and crouch around. How stupid was it of Menos to start firing in the first place? It pretty much pinpointed where he was, since Quantum was facing the opposite way when it happened. After some crossfire, Quantum darts right into a very tall alien, who appears desperate to discuss last night's election results with him. "I couldn't agree more," Quantum responds, and edges around him. You know what's going to happen, don't you? He's going to go back to Enterprise and find that alien in his quarters because he just agreed to marry him. Oh, wait, this isn't Firefly. T'Pol and Quantum finally join a group of aliens circling Menos. He's on the floor with May-aprop aiming at him and saying, "Don't move." Go, May-suddenly-crucial-to-the-plot! Quantum squats down and puts the restraints on him. After being jerked to his feet, Menos tells them they have no jurisdiction there. T'Pol looks him in the eye and orders, "Follow me."

Enterprise. Trip's living it up in Quantum's private dining car. He's got water polo on the screen, and he's invited Phlox and Reed to join him. So, after Mucus of Borg, Trip's now a fan of the Speedoed men climbing all over each other? Oh, and way to totally exclude Hoshi, by the way. "Water polo?" Reed questions after Trip's magnanimous welcome. "Very exciting sport -- you should learn more about it," Trip tells him, and entreats them to sit down at the table. "I had Chef prepare a special lunch -- bangers and mash for you [gestures at Reed] and Denobulan sausages for the doctor," Trip announces. He and Reed both have pilsners of beer at their places. Drinking during business hours? Reed primly wonders if the captain would have a problem with Trip using his dining car. "Well -- Acting Captain, Captain's Mess -- I don't see a problem," Trip preens, as Ensign Waiter brings in some plates. They get to their food. Phlox reports that a lymphatic virus has come aboard the ship via the deuterium canisters [Continuity needs to start wearing diapers. He can borrow some from Reed.] and he suggests the crew be inoculated against it. Trip wonders why the bio-scanners didn't pick it up. "Well, it's a very reliable device, but it's not perfect. The inoculation does have some, um, side effects," Phlox continues. Trip asks what the side effects are. "Mmm, headache, nausea, diarrhea, but they would subside in a day or two," Phlox assures him. The sexual dysfunction may last longer. "Do I have your, uh, 'permission'?" Phlox asks, chuckling over the word "permission." Trip looks conflicted and says, "I'd hate to be responsible for giving the crew the runs." I realize you don't want to be known as "the Pewp Captain," but would you rather be responsible for killing off the crew with a deadly disease? I mean, he hasn't even ascertained how serious this virus could be, but I suppose he may prefer the title Captain Black Plague to the alternative. Trip thinks Phlox might wait on the inoculating until Quantum returns. Phlox tells him that the virus would have spread by then; he needs an answer today. Trip's face falls, and he tells Phlox he'll get back to him later. "Not too much later -- hmmm?" Phlox replies.

Trip's about to take a bite of his food when Reed says, "While we're on the subject of approvals, I promised Captain Archer that I'd recalibrate the torpedo launchers. I'll need to divert computer access from Main Engineering." Trip whines that that will necessitate shutting down the warp core. Reed tells him it's only for a day, and it's not like they're going anywhere. "Well, we're also not at war -- I'm jest not com'forble taking the engines offline right now," Trip says, as if that ends all discussion. Reed, exchanging a look with Phlox, wonders if that's the Chief Engineer talking rather than the Acting Captain Of Pewp. Trip sighs, "Lemme git back to yuh." He tries again to take a bite of food, but the comm beeps. Annoyed, Trip puts his food down and clicks the button: "Tucker." Hoshi tells him the Vulcan captain of the Nyran wants to talk to Captain Quantum. "Tell them, um, the Captain's indisposed at the moment -- he'll get back to them in a little while," Trip decides, and explains to Phlox and Reed that Quantum doesn't want the Vulcans knowing he's with T'Pol: "He was, uh, very emphatic about that." Phlox thinks it's going to be difficult to hold off the Vulcan captain for the four days with the excuse that Quantum is "indisposed." Trip's forkful of food -- still not yet reaching his mouth -- falls along with his face as he realizes the sense in Phlox's words. Hee -- Trinneer's got great facial expressions throughout this whole scene. The comm beeps again. Trip drops his fork and punches at the button: "Go ahead." Hoshi tells him that the Vulcan captain has a message from Admiral Forrest and is very anxious to speak with Quantum: "What should I tell him?" Tell him to tell Forrest to call Quantum up exactly the way he did the other night -- why does he need a Vulcan ship to hand-deliver his message for him? Trip rubs his temple in frustration and says, "I'll get back to you." He tries to eat his lunch, but puts down his fork in distaste. Poor Trip -- his big, important Captain's lunch got all ruined, didn't it? At least he never got the chance to talk with his mouth full.

Alien sheriff's office. Sheriff Alien examines their warrant and tells the E-Crew that it's valid, but they won't be able to transport Menos for four hours: "We've begun thermolizing the landing deck." T'Pol says they just need to get him to their ship. "There's a half centimeter of xylathoric acid on that deck. I wouldn't recommend it -- not if you value those purty feet of yours," Sheriff Alien says, sounding very much like Sheriff John Steele. Quantum thinks Sheriff Alien must have a place they can put Menos until they can leave. "Do this look like a prison to you?" Sheriff Alien demands, and thrusts T'Pol's e-pad warrant back at her.

Back at the Cantina del Alieno, Quantum secures Menos to a table and looks around, saying, "Any one of these people could be working with him." T'Pol answers that the Ministry of Security was very clear about that: "He works alone." "I haven't always," Menos tells her meaningfully. Sepia Tones Of Vulcan Flashback. Sure enough, now there's another person long-haired T'Pol seems to be following. Normal-Color Tones Of Present Day. T'Pol turns away from Menos, and he observes that Quantum and May-back-to-being-wallpaper are human. "They wanted to rehabilitate me," Menos trembles with the human emotions, "bring me home, flatten my forehead and repoint my ears. They wanted to teach me to forget the life they had taught me so carefully how to live. They assumed I had become corrupt and that left to my own devices I would remain corrupt. Three years in a Vulcan clinic -- 'rehabilitation.'" Cheer up -- you might get Matthew Perry for a roommate. T'Pol doesn't say anything, and Menos asks the humans if they can blame him for running. He insists that he was never a thief or a smuggler; he only worked closely with smugglers for a long time, just as the Vulcans had trained him to do. Menos continues singing his tale of woe: "Do you know how I've survived for the last twenty years -- how I've fed my family? I haul spent warp injector casings. Not a very popular occupation but a necessary one. A doctor on Andoria says that my hemolytic cell count is over three thousand -- you don't find too many old men hauling spent injector casings." Watching this scene again, it's weird to note how my response to Menos's pathetic state has changed. The first time, I felt sorry for him and thought he could be innocent of the Vulcan charges, but now, all I can see is how totally manipulative each "poor little me" of his is.

He asks May-blink to get something out of his top front pocket. T'Pol warns him that it could be a weapon. "It's a hologram, of my family," Menos sniffs. And this is where T'Pol starts to completely unravel. She doesn't know what to do, so she turns to Quantum, who nods at May-blink to proceed. May-blink pulls the hologram out of Menos's pocket and immediately knows how to activate it. A wife and two kids wave back at Menos, Harry Potter photo album-style. May-blink clicks it off. How did he know Menos was done looking at it? And if they had animated holograms back in the day, why is the Tasha Yar one not dancing around, being all seductive for The Jewel that is Data? Menos comments piteously that the injector casings are going to take him from his family soon enough; he doesn't want to die in a Vulcan prison. T'Pol tells him that her information says he buys a high-grade biotoxin and sells it indiscriminately. Menos has a response for that without really answering to it: "If all of the Ministry's reports about me were true, I could easily shape-shift, slip out of these restraints, or sprout wings and fly away to my ship." Only if you drink Red Bull. Quantum asks Menos why T'Pol should believe a fugitive over her own government. Well, you frequently don't believe her government, skipper. Menos spits that it's because the Vulcans sent one hundred and nine agents to Agaron thirty years ago, and they want all of them present and accounted for, "right or wrong -- dead or alive." What is with all Dubya references in this series? Quantum tells him he'll have his day in court to protest his innocence, but Menos contradicts him, saying that he's actually guilty. Guilty of being a fugitive from Vulcan, but innocent of the charges of trafficking bio-toxins. He cries that he doesn't deserve to be imprisoned or shot. Quantum assures him they're there to transport him to Vulcan custody, not shoot him. However, Menos feels that T'Pol will shoot him. T'Pol looks at him and immediately goes into her Sepia Tones Of Vulcan Flashback. This time, instead of just chase scenes, we see scenes of T'Pol being wrestled by white-robed Vulcan clerics in a candle-lit room. Normal Colors Of Present Day. T'Pol yells, "You're a liar!" and springs on him with her knife out. Quantum wrenches her away and sees that all she cut on Menos was his belt. Wha-- ? She wraps the pieces of the belt around each foot as Quantum asks what wild hair got up her butt. T'Pol insists that Menos isn't telling the truth, and bolts outside. Yeah, she looks like she could use a smoke. Quantum demands to know where she's going. "He says he has a ship full of injector casings," T'Pol tells him, and runs out. "But the platform's covered with acid!" Quantum yells.

T'Pol runs across the platform, her footfalls lighting up in the dark to confirm the presence of acid. Because Contrivance Acid glows in the dark. What is that dude's belt made of, anyway -- kryptonite? T'Pol runs through the snowglobe, and you know, someone really needs to teach Jolene how not to run like a spaz on heels. As she runs, she has intermittent Sepia Tones Of Vulcan Flashback. More of her wrestling with Vulcan clerics -- or exorcisors. Aboard Menos's ship, she tears the place apart, throwing spent warp injector casings everywhere. Clearly annoyed, she has more Sepia Tones Of Vulcan Flashbacks; we see one of the chasees fall, and Menos screaming out, "Jossen!" as well as more of the Vulcan Exorcism. T'Pol bludgeons a few more spent injector casings and finally slips down to them, a bit troubled in mind.