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For Halloween, Quantum decided he wanted to be The Hero. Again. He saves some downtrodden people from Dirk, the Schoolyard Bully and his pack of Klingon followers, with a little help from T'Pol's Tae Kwan Vulcan, Reed's special stash of ColorStay Liquid Lip, and Chief Moose of Montgomery County, MD. Trip did something, but I'm damned if I can remember what it was, and May-Mr.Universe gets to show-off his freakishly huge biceps. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Didja miss me last week? Well, didja? Huh? Huh? Yeah, I didn't miss you either.
Ingrates.
I didn't know it was possible to be this bored and not be waiting in line at the DMV to renew my ice-fishing license. Correct my misperceptions if I'm way off the army base here, but I thought we exhausted the whole "Quantum as Hannibal Smith, Trip as Face, and May-Infomercial-For-Bowflex as B.A. Barrabas driving around in their space van to help the downtrodden aliens" thing last year. I give this episode a "D" for dullness, destroying the image of dangerous rampaging Klingons and turning them into dancing doilies, and death-rattle-inducing. There was no tension, no surprise, and no sign of compelling dialogue or character development -- in short, it was a like thirty-six straight hours of C-Span, but more tedious.
Rocks. Dust. Dehydrated land.
Mathra: Great -- another Vasquez Rocks episode.
Keckler: More like "Terra Nova."
Mathra: More like a Bajoran refugee camp.
Keckler: More like First Contact during the day.
Hunca Munca: Poppadum and I are taking our carriers and leaving both of you.
Mathra: Does that mean we can really adopt Porthos now?
Keckler: Dude, don't piss him off -- he's got a puffy tail and everything.
Tents. More dust. Flaming industrial oil-type cylinders. A child wearing a "Save me from the enfolding situation, because I'm young, innocent, and will soon share something in common with either Reed, Trip, or Quantum" t-shirt runs around protecting his eyes from the dust. Two men work with some tubing and toss a water skin back and forth. In the distance, a tiny dot zooms through the air. The men furrow at it. No, wait, those are their real foreheads. Oh my god, it's a Furrow Colony -- Quantum's home world! One Furrowing Humanoid asks, "Is it them?" The other one doesn't know, but doesn't think it looks like their ship, and confirms for all of us on the edge of our seats that it is not "them." The shuttle lands.
If it weren't for the fact that they are in the Gobi, I'd say that was the wettest teaser ever.
Last week I went to Chez Henri with an old friend from the Nefarious Media Conglomerate, who told me that she and her husband made up a little dance to the theme song. She also told me that she has every Quantum Leap ever made on tape. She isn't to be trusted.
Quantum helps T'Pol -- who thinks she's some sort of Senator Amidala in that white belted unitard -- out of the shuttle. "Does she realize it's after Labor Day?" Mathra wonders, then quickly adds, "Please don't attribute that to me!" Trip follows, and they make their way to The Colony Of Furrowed Ones. After explaining to their Welcome Wagon Of Tumbleweeds that they didn't have any luck hailing them, Quantum learns that the Dust Bowl Colony's comm system is down, and comments that must be hard on their business. The Dust Mites stare at them, so Quantum explains that they learned about their deuterium pumps from the Kreetassans of the Peed-Upon Trees, and they need some of it. One of the Dust Mites tells him that two of their pumps are down so they can't help them, and suggests they return later in the season. Quantum pleads that their supply will be exhausted in a few weeks. But the Dust Mite stands firm, saying there's nothing they can do. T'Pol wonders if he's sure of his statement: "You seem to have a large inventory -- our sensors showed over eighty thousand litres." The secondary Dust Mite -- who resembles a poor woman's Harry Hamlin -- throws a disgruntled look at the lead Dust Mite. "You scanned our tanks?!" Leader of the Dust Mites asks. Quantum apologizes -- just look how good he's getting at that! -- but explains that it was all they could do when their emails went unanswered, and wonders if they're really sure they can't spare a few hundred litres. "We're holding that for someone else," Leader of the Dust Mites informs him snottily, and repeats his suggestion they come back "at the end of the season." You know, it's a desert -- do they really have a season other than hot, dry, and dusty? Harry Shamlin wants to know if they have experience repairing something, and Trip thinks he can give it a look-see. Trip scampers back to the sh'pod for tools as Harry Shamlin says that if they get the thing repaired, they can "meet [their] quota." Quantum leaps on the opportunity for some give and take. Is it necessary for me to even mention that he still can't deliver his lines with something resembling fluidity? You'd think the desert heat would have melted that ice sculpture he left up his hind end.
In the sh'pod, Trip finds a rug rat playing around, and admonishes him for not asking first. He is kinda cute about it, though. Kill me, just kill me now! The kid's annoying, and he obviously got into his Halloween candy early because he sounds like he's enunciating through a jawful of Laffy Taffy. The kid gives his opinion of the sh'pod: "It's a little small and your controls are hard to reach." "Wull, mebbe yew need longer arms," Trip suggests. "You know, we have a machine for that," Mathra comments calmly. Seriously, though, how funny would it have been for the kid to say, "Nope, that's not the problem," and have his arms hyper-extend to reach the controls? They put a few furrows on his brow and call him an alien -- pshaw -- by rights, that would make Quantum an alien every week. Of course, that might explain a whole lot. The kid shrugs and asks enough admiring questions about the big ship in the sky to worm his Anakinny way into Trip's heart.
Quantum barters with the Leader of the Dust Mites for their deuterium. They seem to be at an impasse until some chick with frizzy brown hair, bulgy eyes, and a peaked nose comments that their medical supplies are running low. Since she looks slightly like Julianna Margulies, she has to take on the role of Nurse Hathaway, of course. They finally come to an agreement. "But only if you can repair our pumps," Leader of the Dust Mites orders. Quantum says Trip will do his durndest. "I expect you to leave orbit in two days -- if the pumps are working, you'll leave with the deuterium, if not, you'll leave without it," Leader of the Dust Mites commands. I think his virility is threatened by the depths of Quantum's Furrows -- he's got Furrow Envy. Quantum agrees to beat a hasty path to warp, just as soon as they've figured out how to make a lasting impact on their lives for which they will be eternally grateful.
Enterprise. Phlox gives Nurse Halfaway supplies and talks to her about something that looks like a hybridized starfish-leech. He presses her to take the thing with her to heal arterial injuries among her people. Nurse Hathaway thanks him, but says all they need is the vascular adhesive. Phlox suggests she take an auto-suture instead, but Halfaway seems scared of it. Phlox insists, and Halfaway relents. Phlox lists the medical supplies she's packing away: "Cardio-stimulator, neural shock kit -- I'd no idea processing deuterium was such a dangerous business." "It can be," Halfaway noncommits. If I were Deanna, I'd say, "I sense they're hiding something." Mathra mutters he'd have "sensed" something too if the Anvil of Subterfuge weren't blocking his sensory perceptors. Phlox picks up a Tyvek package of something and says he only knew that particular compound to be used in the treatment of plasma burns. You know, the kind you can get from bullies with plasma weapons. Halfaway snips that deuterium can burn as severely as plasma when it's lit. "I hope you won't need it," Phlox twitters. Halfaway stares at him. "Is there something wrong?" Phlox asks. Didn't you get that from her stare of There Is Something Wrong But I'm Not Supposed To Tell You What It Is Won't You Please Help Us Anyway? Halfaway tells him there's nothing wrong, picks up her supplies, and says she should get back to Dune before Sting gets irritated.
Quantum tells T'Pol he thinks there's something wrong with the Dust Mite Colony because of the state of disrepair their Bowl seems to be in. I think there's something wrong because the Leader of the Dust Mites has a Cardassian neck and I don't feel inclined to trust him. He reminds me of Remmick in "Conspiracy." "We seek [neck-throb with flattened craw-daddies] PEACEFUL COEXISTENCE!" What a great dropped storyline that was. "Deuterium is a highly valuable commodity, you'd think they'd be better off," Quantum tells her. The camera is up on a crane, so I can't tell for sure, but I'm fairly certain he's furrowing. T'Pol reminds him that they're there to trade, not make fun of their Un-Yipped shantytown, but Quantum wonders why equipment, vital to their trade, needs fixing.
Enterprise. May-plot reports a vessel approaching the planet. He reads twelve Klingon bio-signs. Hoshi looks concerned, but Reed just looks bored. He's not interested in anything that doesn't show signs of being Federation Express delivering his new Stila fall lip palette from Gloss.com.
In the middle of Trip helping to repair things, Harry Parma Hamlin gets a message that "Korok's ship is entering orbit." Parma Hamlin bitches that they were supposed to have more time, but Leader of the Dust Mites tells him to get everyone inside. "Sum kinda trubble?" Trip wonders. Instead of answering, Parma Hamlin gives orders. Oddly, Trip follows them.
T'Pol questions the reasoning behind the Klingons expecting the Dust Mites to have sole claim on their deuterium, so Leader of the Dust Mites tells her that the Klingons believe they have "an exclusive arrangement." "If they think anyone's been here before them, they get very angry," Nurse Halfaway says pointedly. So it's like a jealous ex-boyfriend visiting his ex-girlfriend once she's taken out a restraining order on him. Leader of the Dust Mites orders Quantum not to get involved. Quantum heaves a hefty sigh -- it's such a difficult thing for him, not messing around with other people's lives -- and comms Reed to keep Enterprise out of Klingon sight. Don't you think the Klingons could have possibly intercepted that transmission? If they're anything like an ex-boyfriend I had in college, they probably tapped the planet's lines as soon as they were within range.
A cool Klingon ship that I don't recall ever seeing before cruises into orbit. A pocketful of Klingons beams down and throws its considerable collective weight around when they find out their deuterium is back-ordered. From a distant see-through tent, T'Pol is able to discern what is being said, and gets a "good ears" comment from Trip. Would that be considered a pointy-ear joke? Seeing them smack both Parma Hamlin and Leader of the Dust Mites to the ground, Trip tries to throw himself into the fray, but Quantum wisely puts a restraining furrow on him. The Alpha Klingon tells Leader of the Dust Mites -- who is rolling on the ground like a dust bunny -- that they could get deuterium elsewhere, but they come to him because they "like" him. Especially when he shows them "hospitality and respect." Harry Parma Hamlin bleeds Type Exposition and says that the Klingons take all they have and still expect respect from them. Alpha Klingon stands over them and says they have four days to get their order together. The gagh-slurpers beam out, and Nurse Halfaway sallies forth to administer Curad. Inside the tent, the E-crew learns that the same band of seven Klingons have been stealing lunch money from the Dust Mites for five seasons, and the one time they stood up to them, it got eight of their people killed. Including Ana-can't's father. Of course -- the kid wouldn't be half as appealing as an innocent sufferer if he had both his parents alive and kicking. Predictably -- and this episode is nothing if not ploddingly predictable -- Quantum furrows that there might be something they can do for them. Leader of the Mites tells him to just take their deuterium and clear out: "If you're here when they come back, they'll kill you." Quantum's deep and wide furrow seems to think otherwise. Deep and wide, deep and wide! Quantum's got a furrow deep and wide! Anyone else go to Sunday school where they sang nonsensical songs?
Doing The Storm-Off Of The Annoyed, Quantum comms the ship. Reed reports that the Klingon ship has warped off, and he's sending a sh'pod down to collect the crew and cargo. Ana-can't watches the humans. It could be T'Pol's disco-suited butt he's checking out, but Trip feels the Innocent One's stare boring into his back. He turns back to apologize for not giving him the tour of Enterprise he promised earlier. The kid decides to give Trip a guilt whine about how he and his crew could have fought and beaten the Klingons, which makes Trip pull out the old chestnut, "It's not that simple."
Enterprise orbits. Ten to one odds I know what Quantum's doing right now: he's got some aliens who are in trouble but have categorically refused his help, so there's only one productive thing he could be doing. T'Pol, still in her clogging clothes, enters his ready room to find him at his Weight Of The World Window. Pay up! They have some minor back-and-forth about the cargo settling into its new home before Quantum confesses the deep, dark secret that has long been weighing heavy on his heart. He wants to help the aliens who don't want their help. Well, you could have knocked me over with a beer bottle. Quantum postulates that their recent interactions with the Klingons mean that they're owed a favor by the targ-chomping Muckety-Mucks. T'Pol agrees with his principles, but points out, "I doubt these marauders answer to the High Council." And we've got title. "Short of killing the Klingons, any action we take will only make the situation worse," T'Pol thinks. "I...just...hatetheideaofturningourbacks," Quantum admits, for those of us who haven't seen EVERY EPISODE.
It's midnight in the desert of good and evil, and Quantum can't sleep, so he decides to take a multi-hour shuttle ride down to the planet to do some interfering. Leader of the Mites can't figure out a thirty-fourth way to say "No!" so he allows Quantum help him repair valves. In outer space, that's street for "Foam Party." Leader of the Mites thought Quantum would be long out of his receded hairline by now, but Quantum concedes, "Sometimes I have a bad habit of overstaying my welcome." The first step is acknowledging that you have a problem. The step is allowing someone to repeatedly hit you over the head when you aren't looking so they can drag you off to a cave, forget about you, and hire Lt. Hornblower to command the ship. They banter until, gesturing with a large wrench, Leader of the Mites owns up to how inept he is in protecting his people: "You say you and your Tactical Officer want to help us -- even if you do, once you're gone, we'll be alone again, waiting for them to come back." "There's a saying on my world --" Quantum says. "Wait, I know this one: Fool me once..." Mathra chokes on his Jon Stewart adoration. "Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for a lifetime," Quantum finishes. "They don't have fish -- it's a friggin' desert planet!!" Mathra freaks out. And with that dramatic revelation, we go to commercial. Must be nice to visit multitudes of lifeforms to whom one can trot out annoying adages and look wise as a result. Me? I just stick trussing needles down my ear canals until the blood obscures all sound. Between the fish and that gazelle reference Mathra keeps alluding to, but which I don't recognize at all, this is turning into Aesop's Fables For The Spectacularly Inebriated.
Reed examines the Dust Mites' weapons and makes some disparaging remarks. "You must have a well-stocked armory aboard Enterprise," Parma Hamlin comments. And a well-stocked cosmetics case. "But this battle won't be won by firepower [then why did you turn up your nose at their guns, you munitions snob?]. Deception and surprise can be just as potent as brute force," Reed explains. Because they don't have brains to figure that concept out for themselves. T'Pol then talks a little about Klingon fighting techniques, describing them as crude and not adaptable to sudden changes. Leader of the Dust Mites asks enough leading questions to have the E-crew lay out their whole Operation Desert Storm. The gist is that they're going to move the colony slightly to the right and entice the bullies to walk over a dangerous deuterium wellhead. I'm thinking the ace up their sleeve is a sand-dancing Uhura. T'Pol invites them up to their ship for some special ops training and target practice.
May-Pumped helps relocate the town, but the sun is shining almost directly into the camera, so it conveniently glares him out of the shot. On Enterprise, Reed hands a gun over to Parma Hamlin and watches him fire at a computer-operated whiffle ball. I know the planet they're on bears a striking resemblance to Tatooine and that the kid whines like Luke Skywalker, but do they have to rip off Jedi parlour games as well? Parma Hamlin fails miserably and comments, "Shib'a lizards don't move that fast." Hoshi asks Reed if she can take over instructing the Dust Mites in moving target practice. Surprised, Reed lets her. "I can see your finger tensing on the trigger before you fire," Hoshi says, taking the gun away from Parma Hamlin. "It's throwing off your aim." She tosses back that she used to make the same mistake. And Continuity just wet his pants. Hoshi gives some instructions and demos while Reed looks on proudly. She nails the whiffle ball three times in a row before handing the gun over to Parma Hamlin and stepping back to Reed's side. Reed totally gives her an near-lascivious once-over, and all the Reeoshi hopefuls wet their pants.
Quantum sweats like a furrowing red-bottomed monkey in the middle of an identity crisis while he moves stuff. I wish he'd move some of this boredom away; it's obscuring my view of the episode. Trip reports on the status of the colony shift, and indicates that he's skeptical about their plan to save the Dust Bowl. "Do you think it's a mistake?" Quantum asks. Trip dinnit say that. Quantum gives a speech about never liking bullies -- okay, who in their right mind does like bullies? -- "not on Earth and not out here." Not in a boat, or in a van, he doesn't like bullies, Sam I am.
As May-Steroid stands around like so much Halloween eye candy, T'Pol explains the finer points of Klingon weapons in a cargo hold. "The bat'leth can decapitate its victim with one stroke, while the mek'leth is typically used to slash the throat or disembowel," T'Pol-san says. Wait, I don't know what "disemboweling" is -- can she demonstrate that on any old ensign standing by? T'Pol gives them the good news that she can't teach the gathered Dust Mites to defend themselves against the two weapons, because Vulcan martial arts -- Suus Mahna -- takes decades to perfect. However, she can teach them how to play dodgeball. T'Pol picks up a bat and calls May-I-Have-No-Neck to her side. "Since I have no bat'leth, this will have to suffice," she explains, and tells May-Fullback to take his best shot. He looks nervous. Mathra's nervous as well: "If he's there, who's driving?" "You won't hurt me," T'Pol-Fu assures him. "It's not you that I'm worried about," May-Mandatory-Drug-Test confesses. He swings a few times, and T'Pol easily evades each attack by stop-drop-and-rolling around on the floor. That will definitely be useful when the Dust Mites catch on fire in elementary school. "That was called the Navorkot [didn't he write Lolita?] -- it isn't difficult to learn," T'Pol instructs. Especially when your Captain's chasing you around his desk after work. The Dust Mites practice with May-Russian-Shot-Putter and T'Pol.
It's night, and the Dust Bowl is finally reconstructed. "How funny would it be if they mismeasured and only ended up moving the town a foot?" Mathra wonders. Ana-can't carries water to Trip and gripes about having to hide from the Klingons. Trip thinks it's a good idea. "But I want to help, I can shoot a shib'a lizard from forty meters," Ana-can't whines. This ain't like shooting womp rats back home, kid. Trip says, "Malcolm's got this rule -- you gotta be taller than the gun to use it." What does that say about phase pistols, then? "I don't want to hide," the kid repeats. "Well, shootin' at a lizzerd's a whole lot diffren' than shootin' at a person. And, uh, lizzerd's don' shoot back," Trip tells him. Look, if the kid insists on not hiding, let him run around to draw the Klingon fire -- I don't really have a problem with that. Trip gets more father figure than George Michael when he says, "When those Klingons show up, I want you to do 'zactly as Lewtennent Reed says -- unnerstood?" Ana-can't yes-sirs him.
Hoshi and Reed look on proudly as the Dust Mites fire at the ceiling.
Quantum and Trip weld things. Because they're MacGyver and the A-Team rolled into one.
Morning. Quantum's donned a groovy earthtone headband; he puts some finishing touches on a rock pile. Meanwhile, Leader of the Dust Mites sits alone in his tent and mopes. Quantum walks in and startles him back to his polishing of what looks like a Dustbuster. The playground's ready for the bullies. Leader of the Mites hopes everyone survives, so Quantum takes the opportunity to tell a little tale of Suliban and leg wounds, " of cabbages and kings. "Just before I passed out, I remember thinking, 'This isn't what I signed up for [that's exactly what I thought at the end of last season -- how weird is that?!] -- I should be mapping star clusters or making First Contact with friendly species.' But when those Suliban started firing at my crew, I knew I didn't have any choice but to fight back. I'm not ashamed to admit I was nervous -- I'm nervous now but I know we can do this," Quantum says, nary a furrow in site. What exactly are they nervous about? Doesn't Enterprise have a crew complement of eighty? And since Quantum mentioned earlier that the Dust Mites outnumber the Klingons "seven or ten to one," that seems like sizeable number to fight with. But what do I know? I'm just married to a mathematician, is all. "Don't-don't do the gazelle thing again," Mathra pleads, throwing himself prone in front of the VCR. I have no idea what he's referring to. May-Off-Site-Injections comms the news that the Klingon ship just dropped out of warp. Quantum looks at Leader of the Mites, who cracks me up with his sudden facial resolve to be stalwart and sure.
The Klingons beam down to find a deserted town. They're confused, and start shouting things about hospitality. When they get no response, Alpha Klingon shoots his gun in the air. Like a redneck. One by one, Dust Mites pop out and stick their tongues out at the Klingons just so they can show off their superior Vulcan Dodgeball skills. The Klingons can't catch any of them, because they're that slippery. They try to follow one who was set in motion by Trip's fake bird call, but get clotheslined by a Trip wire. Geddit? Trip pulls it, and it's a "trip" wire? Don't you roll your eyes at me -- I'm so bored, I'm replaying "Prime Minister's Question Hour" in my head. Reed fires at them and gets Alpha Klingon all riled up. He yells that their lack of hospitality will cost them "more than deuterium." Quantum lures a Klingon into a tent and coshes him over the head. Jolene Blalock's stunt double finally gets a paycheck and executes some T'Pol The Vulcan Slayer moves on the Klingons. I've been waiting over a year to see some of that fabled Vulcan super-strength, and now that they finally give it to me, it's just not good enough! A Klingon starts to take a shot at a Dust Mite, but Alpha Klingon hold him back, saying he'll hit a deuterium thingy and turn them all into Molotov cocktails. Now, that's an idea -- a cocktail might liven me up. I think a few Shirley Temple's Evil Twins from Highballs and High Heels might do the trick. Do we have any cherry brandy?
"They're making fools of us," the Trigger Happy Klingon growls. Alpha Klingon has a V-8 and sees where the Dust Mites are hiding in the hills. "They're hiding in the dirt like targ," he grunts, and orders his pack onward. "They'll learn to show us respect -- we'll kill another four. Perhaps the boy as well," Alpha Klingon threatens. Oh, no. Not the boy. Anything but the boy. Please spare him. I beg you. The Dust Mites and E-crew move positions to get the Klingons to walk into their trap. Trip fancies himself something out of Platoon with that idiotic band tied around his head. I think it's holding his brains in. The Klingons finally step all over the could-have-done-much-much-better-with-the-camouflage deuterium wellheads, and it dawns on them that the town isn't where it should be. Trip triggers the deuterium, which flames up and captures the Klingons in a ring of fire. This gives Leader of the Dust Mites a chance to go and have his say. Which he does. The Klingons aim their weapons at his alien furrow, but Leader of the Mites tells them that there are two more wellheads under their feet, just itching to flame up and join the party. "Ah, like a duck in a noose," Mathra sighs. "Leave here or we'll ignite them," Leader of the Mites orders. Alpha Klingon idles some threats around, but Leader of the Mites lets him know that if he ever comes back, they'll be ready again, because they're not afraid of them anymore. They'll show those Klingon bastards -- they'll just sew their milk money to their underwear! Alpha Klingon pish-toshes that they don't want their old deuterium anyway, and beam out. They could have beamed out this whole time? Not so much of the "threatening" in that situation for them. Then again, this wasn't much of a non-lesson in extreme tediousness for me. The Dust Mites all congratulate each other and hug Leader of the Mites. Quantum looks on proudly and claps Reed on the shoulder.
Sh'pod. Trip shares A Moment with Ana-can't, who still hasn't learned not to fiddle with things he hasn't been invited to fiddle with. Ana-can't wishes Trip didn't have to leave, and Trip says that the hardest thing about his job is saying goodbye to people he meets. And getting pregnant by sticking his hands in horny pebbles. To wipe the pout off Ana-can't's face, Trip gives him an e-pad containing the schematics of Enterprise. "Do you think you'll come back?" Ana-can't asks. "Who knows -- our engines need a lot of deuterium," Trip tells him, and we cut to Parma Hamlin telling Quantum that he's giving them over a thousand litres of deuterium for all their help. "Give your crew our thanks," Leader of the Mites says. "Have a good season," Quantum returns. He and T'Pol walk to the sh'pod as The French Horns Of Smug Resolution play on.
week, ex-special agent T'Pol relives some rather unsavory memories and asks Quantum for help.