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Before I begin, I'd like to thank all the concerned citizens who sent me mail this week explaining that "Neander-doll" is the correct German pronunciation of the word "Neanderthal." Believe it or not, I was aware of the correct pronunciation, which is why I didn't make a big deal out of Phlox's pronunciation. See, I'm a writer, and as a writer, my job is to get across to the reader what it feels like to watch what I am writing about. Hence, my phonetic spelling of the word was aimed at letting my readers know how Phlox himself pronounced it.
A disembodied hand loads up a phase pistol with a cartridge, making that high-pitched TWEE! noise. Reed is facilitating target practice with Hoshi. As she fires somewhat ineffectually at a computer-generated graphic -- not entirely unlike the metal-studded ball Skywalker uses to learn how to "use the Force, Luke" with a light saber -- Reed calculates Hoshi's performance on an e-pad. He tells her her hit-to-fire ratio is still under fifty percent. Apparently, she can't get the hang of this newfangled weapon, preferring the EM-33 instead. Reed gets all warmed up and says, "This is an entirely new weapon. Unlike the EM-33, you don't have to compensate for particle drift. Just point straight at the target and try to keep your shoulders relaxed. It's hard to aim accurately when you're tense." Okay, Arnold Palmer. Reed hands the weapon back to Hoshi and hacks out a cough (gee, is that going to be significant later on?), but before she can try again, the ship's engines audibly power down -- broadcasting that they're coming out of warp. Hoshi and Reed both wonder why they are dropping out since they were scheduled to be warping for the few days. Reed checks a panel. "Oh, we're approaching a gas giant. Class Nine," he informs Hoshi, who comments that her target practice will have to take a sideline to examining a flatulent Shatner.
I've started singing the theme song around the house. Shut up. Look, just because I'm getting brainwashed doesn't mean I like it. "There. Are. Four lights!"
A probe is launched at the gas giant to investigate what it had for dinner and to energize some antacids, if necessary. Back on Enterprise, T'Pol reports the progress of Probe Pepto-Bismol. They manage to get an audio playback, which sounds so very much like whale songs that I start to hope the channel switched to TNN, which is airing Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. T'Pol tells the collective, "Intense magnetic fields often create unique wave forms." Travis "The Boomer" Mayflower volunteers, "Siren calls!" Cpt. Quantum looks at him. "That's what we called them when I was a kid. My dad would put them through the speakers whenever we flew by a gas giant. It gave me nightmares sometimes." Nice dad. Although I guess I shouldn't talk, since I have a mother who stuffed my dad's old clothes with newspaper, tied the pieces together to make a body, slapped a mask on the thing, and threw it out her bedroom window so it fell past the living room window in which I was having a sleepover. Never saw so many wet sleeping bags. I think having those noises constantly playing could drive a few people quite nutty. Quantum signals Hoshi to turn off the audio. "Other than keeping Ensign Mayweather up at night, I'm not sure what we expect to accomplish here," T'Pol says. Heh. T'Pol points out that the humans have four gas giants in their own solar system, but Quantum says, "None of them are Class Nine. I think this one's worth a closer look." Of course you do. Something starts beeping -- demanding immediate care and attention in the style of Mariah Carey -- and T'Pol looks through her SpockViewer. "I'm reading an anomalous power signature in the lower atmosphere. And several bio-signs," she reports, punctuating her speech with a thrustage of bustage. Quantum furrows his brow (wait, which "Furrowed Brow" should we interpret this to be?) and orders someone to get the probe closer to the anomalous power signature. We can barely make out a Klingon ship through the orange crushy mist.
“ Phlox tells him to try not to sneeze in his helmet. Yuck -- someone in the twenty-second century would do well to invent mini-windshield wipers to clean off the globs of phlegm. ”
Sick bay. Reed grabs at a tissue and snuffles, "We can travel faster than the speed of light. You'd think we could find a cure for the common cold." Sorry, Bermaga, but I believe that line was already used in TNG. Phlox tuts him, saying that the human common cold is incredibly mild compared to the Kamaraazite flu. "He sneezed so violently, he almost regurgitated his pineal gland," Phlox says. Snerk -- Phlox just called Reed a wimp, but by the way, gross. Speaking through a snot-packed nose, Reed comments that he doesn't know how it is even possible for him to catch a cold in a hermetically sealed environment. Phlox brainstorms what outside influences could have snuck in and incubated themselves in Reed's system. "I did open a case of plasma coolant," Reed snarfs. "Whoever packed that case was probably nursing a cold," Phlox says, preparing a hypospray. Reed grabs at more tissues and sneezes, commenting he opened that plasma coolant five months ago in spacedock. Lord, has it been five months? I think this has been my longest continuous gig yet. "You underestimate the tenacity of a virus, Lieutenant. [You can say that again.] It can lay dormant for months, adapt to whatever environment it finds itself in." Phlox says. Phlox hyposprays Reed's neck and tells him to go straight to bed, but since we haven't had it sufficiently hammered into our heads that Reed is being cast as a workaholic, he rejects this advice. "The captain wants me on the team investigating that shipwreck," he says. Somehow, investigating a shipwreck in space doesn't seem as romantic as investigating one twenty-thousand leagues under the sea. Phlox tells him to try not to sneeze in his helmet. Yuck -- someone in the twenty-second century would do well to invent mini-windshield wipers to clean off the globs of phlegm.
Hoshi pays the captain a visit in his Ready Room, and she seems mightily nervous about something as she works herself into a conversation about the shipwreck. Please, oh, please don't tell me she's going to play the wimp again. Luckily, the writers have decided to take Linda Park to the level, so instead of begging off of the mission, Hoshi is actually asking to be on the mission. "I realize that I haven't always been the first to volunteer for this type of mission, but I want you to know that I am prepared to go. It took awhile, but I think I finally got my space legs," Hoshi says. Quantum toys with her a bit, saying the away mission has no need for a translator, before giving in and admitting that T'Pol specifically asked that Hoshi be included on the team. So, you could say that T'Pol wants Hoshi playing for her team? Hoshi looks surprised and pleased. "You better get to the launch bay before they leave without you," Quantum joshes. Hoshi beats a hasty retreat.
Sleeping Dogs
“ Reed assures them that they'll be 'well out of there' before they're in any real danger, since he has no desire to destroy a 'valuable shuttle pod.' 'Or three valuable officers,' Hoshi says. What's that about last words and famous? ”
Launch Bay. The three stooges suit up; Hoshi examines her helmet. When T'Pol notices this, Hoshi says she's just checking the back-up systems. "I wouldn't want the emergency oxygen to fail during a hull breach," she says. Reed assures her that if they encounter a hull breach, she'll be crushed like a walnut before she has time to think about breathing. Words of comfort. T'Pol questions Hoshi's willingness to come along, but Hoshi tells her that the EV suit no longer makes her claustrophobic. What? Has she been wearing it around her cabin in order to break it in since the last time she had it on for real? The shuttle pod launches, and they're off. T'Pol and Reed analyze the gravity pull and location of the Klingon ship, and Reed determines that the shuttle pod hull will stand up under the pressure. "For the moment, but at the rate that vessel is sinking, we'll have an hour at most," T'Pol says. Hoshi twits T'Pol for sounding "uncomfortable." "I'm merely stating facts," T'Pol says, and Reed assures them that they'll be "well out of there" before they're in any real danger, since he has no desire to destroy a "valuable shuttle pod." "Or three valuable officers," Hoshi says. What's that about last words and famous? The three actors shimmy and shake about in their chairs, and T'Pol says they've come across some liquid helium. The actors stop shaking, and T'Pol reports, "We're clear." The shuttle pod gets closer and closer until they are finally able to dock and board the adrift vessel.
Klingon ship. T'Pol scans with her tricorder and reports, "Nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere. Carbon dioxide levels are high but nothing toxic. It's breathable." Hoshi invites Reed to take off his helmet first. He does, followed by T'Pol. The helmets make a cool click-and-hiss noise as the vacuum seal is unlocked. T'Pol gets a noseful of air and says, "Perhaps we should leave the helmets on," as Hoshi starts coughing from apparent stench. Reed wonders what they're talking about. "You can't smell that?" Hoshi asks. "Do, this dam code," Reed says, suddenly reafflicted with a stuffy nose not present in the shuttle pod scene. Hoshi tells him to consider himself lucky as they set off to explore the ship. The ship's interior is very dark and smoky -- yet another sign that it's a Klingon vessel. Hoshi sees some markings on a bulkhead and tells her team to take a look at it. "It says, 'Deck Two, Red Sector,'" Hoshi translates. "What language?" Reed asks. "Klingon," Hoshi announces, and the three pull out weapons. Now, why are they doing that, exactly? Nothing we've seen has really shown the Klingons to be any more bite than bark. I mean, I applaud them for being way more cautious than their "hail fellows well met" yokel of a captain, but I still have a really hard time regarding the Klingons as truly evil. "I thought you knew Klingon ships," Hoshi accuses T'Pol. "How could you not recognize this one from the outside?" T'Pol says she's not familiar with all their models since they have many classes. Whatever; I recognized it from the outside because it looked very much like the other bird-of-prey-ish ship they encountered in "Unexpected."
T'Pol reports that she's reading three very weak bio-signs ahead, and the search-and-retrieval party presses on. "How weak?" Hoshi asks, rather tremulously, but everyone ignores her. They enter what appears to be the bridge of the ship and examine a few Klingons who are lying about. "They're still alive," T'Pol reports. "We should leave before they regain consciousness." Reed asks, "And what if they don't? The atmosphere's going to crush this ship like an eggshell, pretty soon." Hoshi asks if they shouldn't help them, but T'Pol tells her that the Klingons don't want their help. "How do you know?" Hoshi asks. "They're Klingons. To die at their posts assures them a path to the afterlife. If we rescue them, they'd be dishonored," T'Pol tells her. In the absence of the real thing, Reed feels the need to act like Captain Save-a-Lot, and says, "Well, I for one don't intend to just fly off and let these people die -- honorable deaths or not." T'Pol, sounding way too suspiciously like Phlox in the last episode, tells Reed that compassion is all well and good, but really neither here nor there in this situation, since the Klingons would kill them if they found them on their ship.
Klingon Galley. The camera pans to show us a nice spread of Klingon food: a few hanging targ, gagh, gladstthe usual appetizing fare. A cold storage door opens, and a Klingon female enters the scene.
Klingon Bridge. The away team fully removes their helmets, and T'Pol reports back to Quantum that they found three Klingons on the bridge, but she's detected "at least nine more bio-signs" elsewhere on the ship. "You can't tell what happened to them?" Quantum asks, with presumptive incredulity in his voice. Uh, no, Cpt. Butthead -- she's not a doctor, and for some reason known only to your sub-space intellect, you didn't order your ship's doctor on this mission. T'Pol's a bit more respectful in her reply: "I'm detecting residual amounts of a carbon dioxide-based neurotoxin, but it seems to have dissipated -- there's not enough to affect us." Quantum asks Trip how long the shuttle pod's hull will hold, and Trip tells them they have about thirty minutes. Quantum tells T'Pol she's got twenty minutes "to see if [she] can do anything for that crew," then he wants her "out of there." T'Pol says she doesn't think there's anything they can do for the crew in twenty minutes, and suggests they leave now. "You have a margin of safety," Quantum tells her, and then his com link fuzzes out. "Damn interference," Reed is heard to say from the Klingon bridge, as the camera shows the Klingon female creeping along a corridor. Reed, T'Pol, and Hoshi argue about what course of action they should take as the Klingon female crashes about elsewhere on the ship. Reed goes to investigate, and gets beaten up. T'Pol and Hoshi try to fire at the Klingon, but she escapes through some sliding doors. A red light goes off over the sliding doors, and there's some rumbling. "What's that?" Hoshi asks, getting a little close to hysteria. "That's our shuttle pod taking off," T'Pol tells her. Reed rubs his head and climbs to his feet.
“ Quantum furrows his brow, but I'm not sure if this is his Concerned Look, his Confused Look, or his Resolute Look. 'Then polarize the hull plating, we'll take Enterprise down,' Quantum decrees. Ah, I see, it was his Making A Stupid Decision That's Not Going To Get Us Anywhere Look. ”
Enterprise bridge. Trip fiddles with stuff as Quantum tries unsuccessfully to contact T'Pol. "Captain," Mayflower breathes, as a shuttle pod comes whizzing by them out of the malodorous depths of the gas giant. Quantum tries to hail the pod, but it just isn't happening. Mayflower reports with a tinge of concern, "Sir, they're heading into open space." Quantum jumps out of his chair to examine the situation. Trip, who has been futzing some more with Hoshi's communication devices, says, "I think I've got something!" Klingonese comes across the airwaves until they manage to get the UT warmed up. "in range. Respond. We've been attacked by an unknown ship, designation Enterprise NX-01 any warships in range, respond," the voice says. It's quite convenient that the UT can always rely upon these alien transmissions to repeat themselves, so they get the complete message when the translation interface eventually kicks in. Also convenient that, by this point, Klingons have made such an exhaustive study of Earthlings that even a minor officer can read the English characters on a ship's hull and establish that particular ship's designation and name. Quantum orders Trip to deploy the grappling hooks. Trip deploys, and they nab the pod in one go. Quantum orders a security team to the launch bay, and hooks Trip into joining him. "The bridge is yours, Travis," he tells Mayflower. Wonder if Boomer Boy is going to try to sneak into the Porsche seat again.
Quantum, Trip, and the security team edge into the launch bay and cautiously examine the area. A red-shirt approaches the open pod door, and gets a Klingon on his face for his trouble. The female Klingon picks up the red-shirt's weapon just as Trip fires at her from behind. She struggles, but is hit by another phaser stream from Quantum, which manages to knock her completely to the ground. Quantum coms the bridge and asks if Mayflower still has "a fix" on the shipwreck. Mayflower confirms that he does, and Quantum tells him to transfer the shipwreck's coordinates to the launch bay. He's going in after them. Mayflower doth protest a bit, saying, "Sir, the alien ship sunk another two thousand meters. It's below the shuttle's safety limits." Quantum furrows his brow, but I'm not sure if this is his Concerned Look, his Confused Look, or his Resolute Look. "Then polarize the hull plating, we'll take Enterprise down," Quantum decrees. Ah, I see, it was his Making A Stupid Decision That's Not Going To Get Us Anywhere Look. Trip nods in proud agreement.
Klingon shipwreck. As he and Hoshi examine more control panels, Reed bewails their outcast state and their distinct lack of a clue on how to get off of the ship. "What about escape pods?" Hoshi asks. Reed says they know nothing about the structural integrity of Klingon escape pods: "My guess is we're better off in here." T'Pol steps in, saying, "It's irrelevant, Lieutenant, Klingons don't use escape pods. It would be considered an act of cowardice to abandon ship." I guess that's that. Hoshi suggests trying to use the Klingon communication system to contact their mother ship, but T'Pol kills that hope as well, saying, "I doubt their com will penetrate the EM field any better than our own. If we can access their helm controls we might be able to put this vessel in a stable orbit." Reed protests that he doesn't know how to fly a Klingon ship, but T'Pol tells him to deal. "We have no other choice," she says. Noises that are supposed to signify the strain on the ship's hull resound around them. It's really like the sounds a submarine crew might hear as the water pressure increases the deeper down they go -- very good effort on the special effects tip. The three blind mice look around in unease, and T'Pol orders Hoshi, "Start translating those consoles. Look for anything marked 'propulsion,' 'helm,' 'navigation.' " Hoshi says, "I'll try, but reading Klingon is different than [sic] speaking it." Yeah, generally, it's easier to read a language than it is to speak it. Reed suggests rousing one of the Klingons to help her.
“ Reed falls all over himself to look at the panel: 'Photon torpedoes, I never heard of anything like that!' Hey, I didn't order anvils on my pizza! Send it back. ”
Hoshi goes over to some computer screens and starts studying them. She mutters some Klingonese and then says, "'Plasma containment,' maybe?" She turns to T'Pol at her side, who asks, "You're certain?" Hoshi turns back to the panel. "'Containment,'" she repeats, and looks at T'Pol: "I'm certain." Hoshi moves onto the panel, and translates it: "Something they call photon torpedoes?" Reed falls all over himself to look at the panel: "Photon torpedoes, I never heard of anything like that!" Hey, I didn't order anvils on my pizza! Send it back. Reed asks what else she's got up the Klingon sleeve, and Hoshi explains that they're looking at the weapons system, listing, "Torpedoes, tactical sensors, disruptor arrays" "What about this one?" T'Pol asks from another panel. Hoshi bends her expert eyes on it and says, "I recognize 'pressure.' Ka'tahl, that could mean wall or barrier." "Or hull?" T'Pol asks, ominously, as Reed says, "If I'm reading this correctly, we've got a few hours at the most. The hull integrity is failing." "Then we better hurry," T'Pol says flatly. Reed nods. T'Pol walks over to another panel and says, "This appears to be the helm station." Hoshi agrees, "Quee nagah -- 'impulse drive.'" T'Pol looks at her, and Reed says, "Good work, Hoshi," as he sits down at the controls. He presses some buttons, and a really loud alarm goes off. "Hoshi?" he asks, anxiously. Hoshi leans over to look at the panel and reads, "It says the pressure's failing in the J'khat bah -- fusion manifold -- do you know what that means?" Hoshi is just the woman. Reed nods and says, "To quote our very own Mr. Tucker, that means 'we're ded in tha warter.' " I think Dominic Keating has a thing about imitating an American accent. This is his second attempt.
Suddenly the Voice of Doom reaches them. "Archer to boarding party, come in!" Hoshi responds, and Quantum asks how they're "holding up." "We're doing okay, sir, it's nice to hear your voice," Hoshi gushes. Quantum asks what their status is, and T'Pol explains that they've tried to ignite the Klingon engines, but "they appear to be offline." Quantum tells them they're on their way to pick them up, and asks Maypole how much farther until they reach them. "Ten thousand meters," Mayday answers, "but I'm having a hard time getting a fix on them. Too much interference." Quantum asks Trip if their probe is still in operation. "Barely," Trip says, bending over Reed's com station. Quantum tells him to use it to "triangulate their position." Bet that was a tough one for him to get out. Trip concentrates as the camera takes us -- hold your noses, now -- deep into the gas giant so that we can see the probe. As it explodes. "The probe's gone," Trip reports. Who else is willing to bet that Trip hit the wrong button and made it self-destruct? Quantum looks startled, and the submarine underwater noise starts happening on Enterprise. "Sir, external pressure's at maximum," MayJune reports. Quantum coms the landing party: "I'm afraid we've got a little hitch in our rescue plan." The camera focuses on Mayfair, who says, "The hull plating's failing!" Quantum does some furrowing and coms the landing party again: "We'll be back for you as soon as we can. In the meantime just sit tight --" Static, fuzz, and lint suffuses the rest of his message. On the Klingon ship, Hoshi tries to tell Quantum they can't hear him, but their com link fails.
Sick bay. The Klingon female (who is called Bu'Kah in the captioning) is strapped to an examining table, and she's not taking too kindly to it. She spews the usual Klingon drivel: "Let me die on my feet!" "Cowards!" "Honor!" You get the general particle drift. Phlox confirms T'Pol's earlier suspicions, diagnosing, "There's a neurotoxin in her blood stream. Untreated, it could kill her within a day or two." Quantum asks if the doc can do something about it, and Phlox says he's working on it. "T'Pol says the Klingons were unconscious -- why is this one so lively?" Trip asks. Can someone explain to me, why is he there, again? Doesn't he have engineering stuff to do? Phlox says the Klingon female is showing the effects of hypothermia. "My guess is she took refuge in a low-temperature environment aboard her ship. The cold would have delayed the effects of the toxin," Phlox says. Bu'Kah demands to see the captain, but as Quantum starts to swagger over, Trip stops him mid-swag and says, "You know, I read if they sense a leader's weak, they'll try to kill him and take command." Trip gives him a clenched fist of support. Mathra complains from around the rim of his Pink Lady, "I'm sorry, but this whole idea they have going where Trip reads stuff is completely implausible." "I'm the captain," Quantum tells her. "I've never seen your kind before, but you have made an enemy of the Klingon empire!" Bu'Kah says. Again, if she's never seen his "kind" before, how was she able to decipher the English characters on the ship's hull?! Quantum says it doesn't seem to take much effort to make enemies with Klingons. "You stranded three of my people down there," he says. "You raided my vessel, infected my crew!" Bu'Kah bellows. Quantum says that they didn't go and infect anyone -- not this week, anyway -- and that they boarded their ship in order to help them. "Liar!" Bu'Kah hisses, and looks away. I note that she's not wearing the costume with the Dinners Window that was such a part of B'Etor and Lursa's personas. Quantum strides around sick bay and rants that they had nothing to do with what happened to her crew, but her ship is going to get smushed soon, so she better help them get his people off it, or else. "If you tell them how to get the engines running, they can fly it out of there," Quantum says. "And fly it where? Back to your world to steal our secrets?" Bu'Kah demands. Now she's just being bumptious. "No," Quantum says, giving her a look stonier than a Biblical execution. "When our Birds of Prey arrive your ship will be destroyed," Bu'Kah says, giving us the first mention of massive Klingon vessels that get dropped into a plotline black hole. Quantum quits trying to reason with her and leaves sick bay, saying to Trip, "Remind me to stop trying to help people." I remind you of that EVERY WEEK. Ass. Trip stifles a smile and follows him out. Because leaving Hoshi, Reed, and T'Pol to die on a Klingon ship is trs droll.