Breaking The Ice

If faith can move mountains, why can't it shift this song out of hearing range?

The headliners arrive on the bridge to have a confab about the giant ice cube. "Ever seen anything like that in your astronomy books?" Quantum asks Trip. "Wow, that's one big snowbawl," Trip comments. "The diameter's eighty-two point six kilometers," T'Pol says. How does she find bras that size? Oh, the comet. "I always wanted to chase a comet," Quantum says, shifting restlessly about the bridge. "Maybe we should spend a few days following this one." T'Pol says that Vulcan studies of comets have found them to be "little more than rock and ice." Quantum shakes an amused finger in her direction and says that this comet is bigger than any other comet humans have seen, so it's definitely worth sticking around and almost getting killed over.

T'Pol goes to her quarters, clutches at the side of her neck, and powers up her email. She stares at the screen with no expression whatsoever, but the music implies that we are to assume she's acting in a suspicious manner.

In the mess, Trip zips open a glass door and sees a gelatinous piece of pecan pie. Twitching his nose appreciatively, he pulls it out and sticks a glass into a liquid replicator. "Milk. Cold," Trip commands as T'Pol walks into the mess. He gives her the old once-over and comments on her nocturnal habits. "I came for tea," she tells him. "Well, stay away from the Zariphean blend unless you want to stay up for three days," Trip advises. Maybe I should lay in a full supply of Zariphean tea for my Wednesday night vigils. T'Pol directs the Culinary Exposition Beam her way, saying that caffeine has no effect on Vulcans. "Green tea. Hot," T'Pol orders the replicator. Well, they almost got it right. But did you catch the funny? A Vulcan wanting green teayou know, because their blood is green? How droll. Trip asks T'Pol to join him because he "could use the company," and if that's not reason enough for anyone, I don't know what is. T'Pol tells him she's very tired. "Tell me about it," Trip says. "I put out about a hundred fires in Engineering this afternoon" -- you realize, of course, that in his case, he could be speaking figuratively as well as literally? Because I wouldn't want you to miss a thing, what with this plot being so complicated -- "and missed dinner. And then somebody tole me Chef made a pee-con pie and sudn'ly m'life brahten'd. It's been my fav'rit since I was a keed." Okay, we GET it, Br'er Trip: yer From The South. Now please stuff a cork in all yer clodhoppin' clichs. Trip offers a bit of his pee-con pie to T'Pol, who declines it. "It's delicious," Trip says, encouragingly. "It's mostly sugar," T'Pol tells him. "Vulcans don't have a sweet tooth?" Trip asks. T'Pol just gives one of those weird head twitches she trots out when she forgets her line. "Well, it may not be good for the body, but it shore is good for the soul," Trip says, packing his arteries and mine with Dubya-esque folksy-isms. One of these days, I expect him to say, "Suliban, dead or alive." T'Pol silently sips her tea and reads her electronic pad. "Must be a real page-turner," Trip comments. T'Pol puts down her pad and stares off into, uh, space. "Something wrong?" Trip asks. "I'm fine, Commander," T'Pol says sullenly. "Good night." I'm convinced that her lips inflate anytime she engages in suspicious Vulcan activity. It's her tell. "Sweet dreams," Trip calls after her.

"Eisillium?" Quantum asks T'Pol on the bridge as he, Trip, Mayweather, and Reed look at the tableviewer. T'Pol tells them it's a very rare mineral, and the comet they're following is chock-full of it. "I've never heard of eisillium," Quantum says, which surprises no one. T'Pol says that Vulcan chemists have been attempting to study the mineral, but haven't yet managed to bend their hands around large enough amounts. Quantum asks if they can get samples using the transporter. "Most of the eisillium deposits are at least twenty meters beneath the crust," T'Pol says. Trip informs us, "That's too deep to get a lock." Reed mentions their portable drilling rig as an option. "The comet's certainly big enough to land on," Mayweather says, hopefully. Quantum looks at T'Pol, who says, "I'd advise setting down near one of the two poles. If you're out of direct sunlight the surface ice will be more stable." "How long would you need?" Quantum asks Reed. "Shouldn't take more than three or four hours," Reed says, flushing with excitement. "You up for a little comet walk?" Quantum asks Mayweather and Reed, who exchange happy looks. "By all means," Reed says. That's right, get rid of the best character right away. Don't want to risk him gumming up the plans for another boring plotline. Quantum tells them to "get started."

Hoshi, who was noticeably absent from the eisillium discussion, tells Quantum that she's detected a ship closing in on them. "It's Vulcan," she says. Quantum frowns in T'Pol's direction. "The starship Ti'Mur," T'Pol tells him. Quantum tells Hoshi to hail the Vulcans. Hail to the Vulcans, valiant! Hail, to the conquering heroes! Hail, hail to Michigan the leaders and best! And if there aren't any other U of M people out there reading this, I'm going to feel very stupid. The Vulcan ship comes onscreen, and it is just awesome-looking. The plotlines may blow and the acting might be about as stirring as an actuarial conference, but the ships save all. Add the Ti'Mur to my list of things that should be toys -- right behind the Suliban Apple Core Helix and Regis. The ship looks like it is circled by a big, glowing hula hoop. Not very aerodynamic in design, but I guess that doesn't really matter in space.

A Vulcan face appears on the screen, and Quantum introduces himself. "I'm Captain Vanik," Vanik says in reply. "Pleased to meet you," Quantum says, not completely sure what to say. "You're a long way from Earth, Captain, are you lost?" Vanik asks, mildly. "Not at all," Quantum says. "Just taking a look at this comet." Vanik tells them their sensors detected it a few days ago (nanny nanny boo-boo): "We also decided to investigate." Quantum's surprised to hear this: "My Science Officer tells me that Vulcans aren't very interested in comets." "Actually, it's your interest in the comet we're investigating," Vanik tells him. Well, at least they're honest about being nosy. Quantum tells Vanik what their plans are for the comet. "You're welcome to participate," he says. Vanik says they'd rather just watch the humans go about their insignificant little lives in order to boost their Vulcan self-esteem. At least, that seems to be the way Quantum takes it when Vanik tells him they'd rather just watch from the sky box, because he gets all tight in the mouth and says, "Stay as long as you want," rather snappishly. Vanik signs off. Quantum orders T'Pol into his cabin. "I'd love to know what they're really doing here," Quantum tells her. T'Pol looks quizzically at him, so Quantum elaborates: "You don't find anything strange about them suddenly showing up?" "Perhaps they're simply curious," T'Pol suggests. Quantum doesn't buy what she's selling: "That doesn't sound very Vulcan to me; this isn't the first time we've caught them lurking around. Remember three weeks ago -- the planetary nebula?" T'Pol tells him, "That was nothing more than a survey ship." Quantum asks why they didn't respond to their hails: "Why'd they go to warp when we headed toward them?" T'Pol says nothing. "I'm starting to get the feeling they're looking over our shoulders a little too often," Quantum says. T'Pol says, "That seems unlikely." "We'll see," Quantum tells her, "Fine. If Vanik is the kind of guy who likes to watch [eeeewww!] -- let him." T'Pol just looks at Quantum, because she's the kind of girl who likes to watch.

Shuttlepod One leaves Enterprise and heads after the comet. Reed says, "I've never stood on a comet before." "Has anyone?" Mayweather asks. "Good question," Reed says. I have! Well, that's because the car I drove in high school was a 1973 Mercury Comet. (Detour to Keckler's childhoodthe thing was as old as me -- so old it didn't have to go through emissions tests, AND you could put any kind of gas you wanted into it. It was all dented up and painted this really nasty shade of green -- which earned it the nickname of "The Vomit Comet" -- and it had butt sensors in the front seats. I kid you not: butt sensors. If you sat down and didn't fasten your seatbelt, a buzzer went off. If you lifted your butt from the seat, the buzzer stopped. Lower your butt: "BZZZ!" Lift your butt: silence. Then there was this time the humidity fritzed out the horn and made it honk by itself. I drove for three very long blocks, horn blasting, drivers swearing, with Puzer hunkered down in embarrassment on the floor before it decided to stop of its own accord. After that, our mechanic disconnected the wires in the horn so that I had to futz with the bare ends of the two wires every time I wanted to honk. Every once in a while, on a humid day, the ghost of that old horn showed up and would honk when you slammed the car doors shut. The best part was that this tiny piece of a car had a V8 engine worth more than the whole car put together. Mom? Dad? Close your eyes for this part. I drag-raced a Caddy in Edina once. Left those spoiled suburbanites eating my dust. God, I loved that car. End detour.) So, Mayweather's saying he has only seen snow twice in his life and -- hey! That's another subject for Keckler's childhood, but we won't go there. Yet. "Well, then it's only fitting that we commemorate the occasion," Reed says. Mayweather suggests they plant a flag, but Reed pooh-poohs that: "Nah, too predictable." "Snowball fight," Mayweather says. "The EV suits would take all the fun out of that," Reed says, in turn taking all the fun out of the suggestion. "We'll just have to see how the spirit moves us when we get there." Mayweather grins. The shuttlepod lands, and Mayweather and Reed get out and look around, giggling like nerds.

Enterprise Engineering. Hoshi and Trip confab over a power surge in the transceiver array that Trip can't figure out. Hoshi identifies it as an encrypted transmission from the Vulcan ship to T'Pol's quarters. Trip takes this information on an e-pad to Quantum, who asks if he's certain it was sent to T'Pol. "I wish I wasn't," Trip tells him, "did she say anything to you about it?" Quantum shakes his head angrily, "Not a word." "We had an agreement," Quantum continues, briefing the viewers just tuning in: "She promised not to speak to the Vulcans without telling me." "Looks like she's having some trouble keeping her promises," Trip says. "Shall I have Hoshi decrypt it?" Quantum nods, crammed to the gizzard with suspicions, and hands back the e-pad: "Tell her it's top priority." Oh, whatever, Tones Of Serious Galactic Intrigue. It's probably just a love letter.

I think I must be missing something in life; I never get that happy when washing my face.

Enterprise Bridge. Hoshi tells Quantum that everything's ready. "You sure you want me here for this?" Trip whines. "I've gotta lot of work to do." Quantum waves a hand at him and says, "Stay put, Commander, this is important," while looking solemnly at an e-pad in his hand. Quantum shifts uncomfortably in his chair a few times and says, "Start the recording!" Hoshi pushes a button. "To the students of Ms. Malvin's fourth grade class at the Worley Elementary School in Kenmare, Country Kerry, Ireland," Quantum says. Do you see what they did there? They made us believe we were about to hear the results of T'Pol's encrypted message, but pulled a Comedic Fast One on us by having this be a letter to Trip's nephew's class. It's time to throw out the pickle to Strega, who most certainly would have identified that Comic Fast One right away with her Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm. However, being out of practice and not realizing this show even warranted the purchase of a Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm, I did not. "This is Captain Archer aboard the starship Enterprise. On behalf of the entire crew, I'd like to thank you for your transmission. We all got a real kick out of your drawings and letters. You asked a lot of interesting questions. I wish we had time to answer all of them, but if we did that we wouldn't get much exploring done. So I've selected a few and hopefully our answers will give you and idea of what life is like out here." Quantum delivers this long and tiresome speech in an extreme and obviously awkward manner. Normally, I wouldn't think much of it since Bakula usually says his lines that way, but this time, I realize we are supposed to believe that his character is acting awkward because he's ill-at-ease making the recording for the fourth graders. This whole scene was obscenely drawn out and tedious. So tedious, in fact, I couldn't believe such a scene that did nothing to further the current plot was allowed to go as long as it did. Granted, The Exposition Tractor Beam was whipping all over the place, but I really think they could have trickled out the same information over the past seven episodes instead of mashing it all into one scene. I refuse to do anything other than hit the high points.

Quantum answers the "what do you eat?" question, and finally puts to rest the replicated vs. real food question. Enterprise has a "hydroponic greenhouse" on board where they can grow fruits and vegetables, but they also replicate certain food with their "protein re-sequencer." So, in a word, a replicator. Oh, and all the kids have overtly Irish first and last names. Whether or not dating is allowed on board is also fielded by Quantum, stumbling and bumbling over the fact that while fraternization is not discouraged, on such a small ship it would be hard for the lovebirds to be alone. Apparently, most of the crew actually share their quarters with at least one other person. "So, it wouldn't be exactly practical," Quantum stammers. Or palatable. Quantum dorks out even more by saying there are lots of places for the daters to go look at the stars. Oh, barf. Hoshi explains the method behind their Universal Translator system to the kid who wants to know how they talk to aliens. She says that sometimes the translator doesn't work, which means that Hoshi's tongue actually has to do the dirty work. "I'm sure I don't have to tell you how hard that is sometimes. One wrong word can mean the difference between saying 'Take my hand' or 'Take my life.' So far I've managed to do pretty well," Hoshi says. Seven minutes this scene went on. Seven minutes. Though, I have to admit, when the question "When you flush, where does it go?" came up, I mustered enough interest to scream, "Shout-out!" but I realize that others are probably as anally obsessed as my forums seem to be. Quantum gives that question over to Trip, who pauses the recording and says, "A pewp question, sir? Can't I talk about the warp reactor or the transporter?" Quantum tells him, "It's a perfectly valid question." Trip takes awkward lessons from Quantum and tells the fourth grade class in County Kerry, Ireland basically that the "waste" is recycled by a "bio-matter re-sequencer" (pray they don't ever confuse it with the "protein re-sequencer") and made into useful objects they use elsewhere on the ship -- namely, cargo containers, insulation, and boots. I know I'm almost twenty-eight, but -- grody! Phlox fields a question about germs in outer space, and gets so exuberant about his explanation that Quantum cuts him off. Typical -- the only amusing character on this show and Quantum has to silence him. As if he was Mr. Short and Sweet. Upshot is, germs can live and exist in the vacuum of space. Quantum concludes their rendition of Prime Minister's Question Hour by saying, "By the way, we've included some pictures of a comet we're studying. We think it might be the biggest one ever discovered by humans or Vulcans. That's what's so exciting about being on Enterprise, you never know what you're going to find . We miss Earth, but hearing from you makes us all feel a little closer to home. Captain Archer, out." The transmission ends and Quantum collapses in the chair, a bundle of nerves. "How did it go?" he asks anxiously. Hoshi smiles and Trip puts his head in his hands, convinced that his nephew is going to think he's the Chief Engineer in charge of Pewp. Seven minutes, people!

Vomit Comet. Reed says, walking stiffly in his stellar gold suit, "The beauty of ice is that it records everything like a blank page. The farther down you drill, the farther back in time you go." And the longer you leave the TV on, the longer your stay with Nurse Ratched. He takes readings until Mayweather calls him over to show him his snowman. Seriously -- they built a snowman on the comet, and it's pretty "heh"-worthy. Reed chuckles and asks for Mayweather's plasma torch. Reed uses the torch to melt eyes and a mouth on the snowman, and his final touch is shoving the plasma torch in for a nose. That's gotta hurt. Mayweather and Reed chortle happily. "Archer to Lieutenant Reed," Quantum coms him. They stop chortling. "Go ahead, sir," Reed says. Quantum asks how they're doing, and Reed tells him that they're just about to set the charges. "I'm sure I don't need to remind you we're being observed," Quantum says from the bridge, where we can see that they're all watching Reed and Mayweather on the viewscreen. "No, sir," Reed says. "We want this to go as smoothly as possible, make a good impression," Quantum says sternly. Yeah, like, eating yellow snow might not be such a stellar move in this case. "Riiight," Reed says. I just can't capture how funny his responses are with his British accent. You'll have to trust me, because Reed is so totally my boyfriend on this show. "So tell me," Quantum continues in his deadly serious captainly tone, "who's the sculptor?" Oops, there it goes again -- Strega's Misdirection-Based-Comedy alarm. I guess I'm gonna have to borrow it for this episode until I can get one of my own. What jovial cut-ups these astronauts are. Reed clears his throat and tells Quantum, "It won't be there for long, sir." Quantum signs off. Mayweather and Reed exchange looks and go about their business.

Hoshi hands over the decrypted message to Trip: "The code was pretty complex." Trip asks what it says, but Hoshi tells him it's in Vulcan and he'll have to run it through the translator. "You didn't read it?" Trip asks. Not everyone is as all-fired snoopy as you, Tryptography. "I didn't feel it'd be right," Hoshi tells him. Trip thanks her and hightails it to the translator. As the message processes, Trip looks concerned. "Well," Trip says, arriving at Quantum's cabin, "we decrypted the message." "And?" Quantum prompts him. "It's not exactly what we expected," Trip says. I told you, it's a love letter! Did I call this or what? "It's a letter," Trip continues, pretending he didn't hear me. "What did it say?" Quantum asks. "It's personal," Trip says. "What do you mean?" Quantum asks dimly, apparently unable to grasp the meaning of simple adjectives. "Very personal," Trip says. Quantum groans, and Trip says he could order Trip to tell him but he wouldn't be happy once he knew. "Why the hell was it encrypted?" Quantum asks. "That's what I want to know," Trip says, aggravated. "Maybe Vulcans encrypt all their personal letters. All they had to do was send it through regular channels, mark it personal, and we'd have left it alone. But no, they had to encrypt it -- force me to start snooping! I feel like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar." T'Pol's cookie jar. That sounds vaguely sexual for some reason. Quantum tells him it was an honest mistake. "I gotta tell her," Trip says, rubbing his temples. Quantum asks how that's going to help matters. "It's the right thing to do," Trip says. "At least I'll be able to look her in the eye without feeling guilty." Yes, because this is all about you feeling better, isn't it, Trip? "You're a good man," Quantum sighs. Um, let's not break out the Sanctimonious Wine just yet, at least not until I clean out my 72-ounce wine glass. Quantum suggests he take a phase-pistol with him (because, of course, T'Pol's exhibitions of anger have shown her to be of a particularly violent nature), and Trip says, "I might need one." As far as I'm concerned, Trip should give T'Pol a phase pistol and let her take her best shot at him.

Trip takes T'Pol aside on the bridge and clumsily attempts to tell her what he did. "Did you ever do anything totally by mistake that you weren't very proud of?" he asks. "No," T'Pol tells him. Trip tries again: "Did you ever come across something that you thought was one thing, so you reacted a certain way and it turned out to be something completely different?" "Your point, Commander?" T'Pol asks. Trip tells her he knows about her letter from the Vulcan ship. "It was a personal matter," T'Pol says, and goes back to her work, hoping against hope Trip didn't notice that she signs things "S.W.A.K." Trip asks why it wasn't sent through normal channels, and T'Pol tells him that takes too much time for urgent matters. "So they sent it in code? D'you have any idea how suspicious that looked?" T'Pol looks at him: "You read my letter." Trip tells her he doesn't feel very good about doing it. T'Pol offers him the rest of her letters in her cabin as reading material. Trip sighs in exasperation and says, "I'm trying to apologize here." Funny, I haven't yet heard the words "I'm sorry." Maybe I just missed it -- rewinding, replaying -- nope, they aren't there. Quantum coms T'Pol and asks her to report to his ready room. T'Pol asks Trip if anyone else has read the letters. Trip answers in the negative. "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't mention it," T'Pol says before stomping off. Of course, given Blalock's weight, it's more like she tiptoed off.

In Quantum's ready room, the Captain tells T'Pol he wants to throw a party for Vanik the Vulcan. "If he's so interested in how we do things, he might as well see for himself. Once he realizes we're not going to blow up the galaxy, maybe he'll leave us alone." T'Pol tells him she's sure Vanik will appreciate the gesture. "Dinner's a good way to break the ice [and we have episode title], I was hoping you might give Chef some menu suggestions," Quantum says, pacing the room like a caged thing. "Certainly," T'Pol says. "A little food, a little wine --" Quantum says. "Vulcans don't drink wine," T'Pol interrupts, much in the same way Bela Lugosi said it. Uh, they do. They've been brewing it since 2070. I don't know why I know that. "You know what I mean," Quantum tells her. "Just help me make him go away." If memory serves, Jolene prefers white wine, especially when she gets morning radio show phone calls from Boston and needs to be particularly insensible.

I thought I'd let you all know that Keckler beat herself senseless with a bottle of Post Road a few hours ago. I'm just her subconscious filling in.

Sick bay. Phlox scans T'Pol's head and neck and asks how long she's had her symptoms. "Two days ago," T'Pol tells him. "Hmm!" Phlox fusses. "Perhaps you slept in an awkward position." "I haven't slept," T'Pol tells him. "In two days?" Phlox says, incredulous. "Something on your mind?" T'Pol declines to answer. Phlox tells her she has a tension headache: "You know anything between us is strictly confidential. Would you like to talk about what's troubling you?" "No," T'Pol tells him flatly. Phlox says that if there is anyone on the ship she feels comfortable with, it might make her feel better. He zaps her with a hypo-spray in the neck: "This is a simple analgesic. I can give you something later to help you sleep this evening, if you like." T'Pol thanks him and leaves. I know what's causing her headache; her eyeballs are all dried out from all that Vulcan acting. I mean, that cannot be at all comfortable.

Trip decides to step in: "So, Captain, tell us about yourself." "Excuse me?" Vanik says, not comprehending. T'Pol explains, "On Earth, it's customary to exchange personal information with someone you've just met." Oddly enough, that's exactly what my British friend said about Americans. "We have this peculiar habit of actually talking during meals," Quantum says. "I've noticed," Vanik says, "Well, what do you want to know?" Trip asks where he was born. Um, my wild guess would beVulcan? I mean, it's not like Trip would know about a specific area of the planet if Vanik named it. Trip also wants to know how long he's been a captain and if he has any hobbies. Vanik adopts a long-suffering tone and tells them, "I've served in the Vulcan Space Program for seventy-six years. Fifteen of those commanding the Ti'Mur." And he collects spores, molds, and fungus. And he likes his friends to call him Egon. T'Pol takes the drooping reins of conversation and says she thinks this is Captain Vanik's first visit on an Earth vessel. Quantum rolls his eyes and head and fidgets a bit before saying, "We'd be happy to answer any questions you might have." I've figured out why Scott Bakula looks years younger than when he appeared on Quantum Leap. Filters. It's so obvious. When the camera switches from T'Pol to Quantum, there's a definite difference in sharpness of picture. Bakula's got that same halo effect going on that they used on Angela Lansbury in Murder, She Wrote. It's unfortunate that he's that vain. Vanik says, "I have none. Humans never held much interest for me." I knew there was a reason I liked Vanik. The last vestiges of Quantum's strained smile vanish. Trip looks nervous. Quantum taps his hands on the table, which makes me nervous. "Well," Quantum says, smearing another smile on his face, "where did the time go?" He gets up from his seat, and Vanik watches him with detached interest. "Seems like you just got here. I'm sure you're eager to get back to your ship so I'll trouble you with just one last question: How long are you planning on spying on us?" Vanik raises an eyebrow and says, "If we were 'spying,' Captain, you would've never detected our presence. Your inexperience and your arrogance are your enemies, not us." Amen! Quantum looks stormy and opens the dining room door. "Please show Captain Vanik to the launch bay," he instructs the random crewmember waiting outside. Vanik stares at Quantum's departing back and gets up. He turns to T'Pol and says something severe in Vulcan (it's not translated) before leaving. "What'd he say?" Trip asks. T'Pol doesn't answer, but instead leaves the room. Trip looks around at the empty table and says, "Hmmm."

Quantum arrives on the bridge, and Hoshi shows him something ominous regarding the comet and its rotation.

Bill Haley and the Comets. Mayflower and Reed do some drillin'. Quantum tells them that the comet's rotational axis shifted as a result of their "noise," which means that in two hours they will be facing the star, and the ice will destabilize. "I want you outta there before then," Quantum orders. Reed assures him, "We'll be done with time to spare, sir." "Be sure you are," Quantum says and signs off.

In her quarters, T'Pol does some deep breathing by candlelight. Trip interrupts her. "Decide to tell me what Vanik said?" he asks, twisting his hands nervously. T'Pol gestures at a pillow on the floor: "Please, sit down." Trip looks around: "I've never seen your quarters before. Cozy." He perches on the pillow. "You know you're not supposed to have an open flame on the ship," he says. T'Pol tells him she was given special permission by Quantum to light up whenever she wants. "They're for meditation," she says. Trip nods, "Sowhat can I do for you?" T'Pol explains that Phlox suggested she talk about her "problem" as a way of releasing tension. "You want to talk to me?" Trip asks, surprised. T'Pol does that head twitch thing that I've finally come to identify as her way of communicating "Duh!" "Well, I -- um," Trip says, obviously uncomfortable. "Not sure I'm going to be of much help, I mean, I've only been in three relationships and they all went bust." Maybe that's because you say things like "went bust." "Are you sure you wouldn't rather talk to Hoshi or Ensign Kimball? She's married," Trip says. T'Pol tells him he wasn't really top dog on her list, but he's the only one who snooped through her mail, so he's the lucky recipient of her girlish Vulcan confidences. "I'll do anything I can," Trip says. "Whatcher problem?"

"You read the letter," T'Pol states. Trip agrees. "Then you know that unless I leave Enterprise immediately, my wedding plans will be cancelled," T'Princess Bride says. Man, can you imagine throwing her a bachelorette party? Somehow I don't think she'd appreciate the novelty pasta, cakes, and water pistols. "Have you talked to --" Trip pauses. "Koss," T'Pol reminds him. "Yeah, have you talked to Koss about all this?" Trip asks. T'Pol tells him they haven't spoken in many moons. "Marriages on Vulcan are arranged during childhood. I've only met Koss four times," T'Pol explains. Um, Haven, anyone? Trip's confused: "How can you be in love with a guy you only met four times?" he asks. T'Pol tells him "it's assumed" they will grow to have an affection for one another in time. "So, his parents send you an ultimatum -- he doesn't have a say?" Trip discloses, for the benefit of those of us who didn't manage a peek at T'Pol's letter. T'Pol tells him Koss's parents arranged the marriage in the first place: "It's their decision." "Boy," Trip says, "where I come from arranged marriages went out with slavery." "Are you going to give me advice or criticize my people's tradition?" T'Pol asks. Trip says he's not quite clear on why they threatened to call it off in the first place. T'Pol explains that the wedding was supposed to take place at Vulcan Presbyterian Church week, but when she opted to stay on Enterprise, she asked for the nuptials to be postponed. "Koss's parents were insulted that I would put off our plans to serve on a human vessel," she finishes. Trip suggests that Vanik take her back: "Why don't you go marry Koss then come back?" T'Pol tells him that it's Vulcan tradition for the couple to live together for at least the first year. "Maybe he can come to Enterprise," Trip offers. "He's an architect. It would be illogical for him for him to live aboard a starship," T'Pol says. I don't know why, but the idea of a Vulcan architect makes me giggle for some reason. It's the little things that amuse me. "This whole thing sounds illogical," Trip says, squinting and shaking her head. "Your advice, Commander," T'Pol says. Trip asks her what she wants to do. "That is irrelevant," T'Pol tells him. "No, it's not, it's very relevant. Do you want to go back and marry this guy, spend a year with him, ten years, a hundred years or do you want to stay on Enterprise?" Trip says, mentally adding "and marry me" to the end of that sentence. T'Pol tells him she has obligations. You know, bridal showers, veil shopping, massive amounts of eyebrow plucking, the works. "You got obligations to yerself," Trip tells her. "You've spent the last year around humans. One thing you should've learned is that we're free to make our own decisions. There's a lot to be said for personal choice." T'Pol tells him that if he'd spent the last year on Vulcan, he would have learned that they honor their traditions. "I respect your customs, but this marriage was arranged when you were a kid -- a lot's happened since then [yeah, like the DeCon chamber], people change." "Vulcans don't," T'Pol says. "Really?" Trip says. "My obligation is to my culture, my heritage -- it has to take precedence," T'Pol says. Trip says it sounds like her mind's already made up, and he doesn't get why she even asked him there in the first place. "It was a mistake," T'Pol grits out, "I apologize," and stands up. Trip gets up to leave and stops at the door, asking, "Did you ever think you might've postponed the wedding because subconsciously you wanted to get out of it?" "That would imply that my subconscious mind controls my decisions. It doesn't," T'Pol says. "Well, it happens to humans all the time, maybe yer pickin' up some of our bad habits," Trip says, and exits the bridal chamber. Wow, all that talking parched my throat considerably. Hello, beer!