All right, first off, I don't want any crap from any of you kids out there, but Uncle Bob missed the first five minutes of the show this week. My VCR, which has always been a trustworthy little bitch in the past, didn't kick in at 7 PM Central this week. Luckily, I jumped up, ran to the VCR, and started it after the opening credits. Never fear, though -- I've watched enough episodes of Ed that I can pretty much make up a five-minute opener and nobody would be the wiser. So here goes...
We open the show with Ed and Carol sitting at the snack bar at the Stuckey Bowl. Carol asks Ed if he has a brother because she's trying to line up any other male on the planet besides Ed in case Jackass moves to Minnesota. Ed says he does have a brother, but he's kind of the black sheep of the family. Carol asks how so, and Ed explains that his brother joined the military at the age of eighteen, blew portions of his right foot off on purpose in order to get an honorable discharge, then began delivering pizzas for a living, but was never at the house in thirty minutes or less, because his foot was little more than a stump and that made it hard to use the accelerator in his car, so most times he was lucky to get the pizza to its destination the same week it was ordered. Mike walks in, scopes the place out, walks over to Ed and Carol, and bets Ed $10 he won't reach over and fondle Carol's breasticles, twisting them while saying, "Come in Tokyo, this is the U.S.S. Edward J. Stevens....come in Tokyo." Ed smirks and goes to do it, but Carol gives him a look that says, "Try it and you're rotting Spam, Stevens." Ed sighs, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a ten-spot, and slaps it in Mike's palm as Mike cackles hysterically. Phil walks over and says he's out of here for the episode because he's got a pretty good feeling that Ed's brother will be stopping by soon, and Ed's brother will probably be ten times the goofball that Phil is and there's no way he's going to hang around to check out the competition. So he leaves. Carol asks Ed, "What was that all about?" and Ed says he's not sure, but he thinks Phil was dropped on his head as a baby and has gained psychic powers. Mike passes gas and they all laugh hysterically. Now then...was I even close?!
Opening credits. Which...I didn't see. So my painful weekly ritual of retching during the opening theme song is granted a temporary retrieve.
In the halls of Stuckeyville High, MegaMark is breathing down Diane's neck as she tries to finish a chapter in a book entitled How To Land The Man You Want By Setting Him Up With The School's Hottie And Watching Him Fall On His Ass. MegaMark asks Diane how in the world can she read for pleasure. She doesn't acknowledge him, and he says that the only book he's ever read for pleasure was Valley of the Dolls. Warren pops up and asks them what they're doing tomorrow night; MegaMark says he's never doing anything tomorrow night. Warren slaps a flyer on MegaMark's chest -- which threatens to eat the flyer alive with the massive amounts of flesh under MegaMark's right man-boob -- and announces that they're all going to a fraternity party. Apparently, Phi Delta Xena Warrior Princess is having a party, and Warren's decided that the three loserteers are going. Diane looks at the flyer and says that it's only for members. This doesn't concern Warren, who's teasing MegaMark with the news that the place will be swarming with hotties, and maybe the boys will finally get some hot sorority girl action, because sorority girls appreciate high-school boys. Uh huh. And bin Laden appreciates American ingenuity. Diane sarcastically tells the guys to have fun, and Warren half-assedly begs her to tag along as she walks away. Warren asks MegaMark if they might want to wear togas. MegaMark asks if it's a toga party, and Warren says it isn't. MegaMark says, "Then no." The thought of MegaMark in a toga has suddenly taken the place of the theme song as far as making me want to spew chunks of meat loaf around the room, yet I amazingly fight the urge.
At the bowling alley, Ed's mopping the jizz off an alley (damned fraternity hazings!) when Timothy Busfield waltzes in, sporting his new Charles Manson look. He screams, "ED!" Ed grins reluctantly and says, "Hey, Lloyd." They hug, and Lloyd's all excited to see Ed, while Ed stands there, waiting for a wedgie. Ed introduces Lloyd to Kenny and Shirley. Shirley's eyes are threatening to swallow her face. I've noticed her eyes were huge in the past, but now she looks like one of those paintings from the 1970s of the kids with huge-assed eyes that little girls used to hang on their bedroom walls -- the kind of painting that used to give me nightmares of kids with amazon eyes. Those ones. Anyway, Lloyd notices Shirley's big-assed eyes and asks her what's wrong. She says that the two brothers look nothing alike, and that this is giving her a mild freak-out moment. Lloyd laughs and says that when Ed was eight, Lloyd convinced him that he was adopted, and Ed believed him for a week. Ed says it was more like a month, and Lloyd laughs, remembering what a cruel sonofabitch he used to be. Lloyd asks Ed to show him around, and they walk away. Kenny comments that Lloyd seems to be a nice guy and Shirley pins the tail on the donkey as she says that he comes across as a big friendly talking sheepdog. That Shirley sure has a knack for pegging people. Must be that her eyes make her able to see inside their souls or something.
So Ed and Lloyd walk into Ed's office. Lloyd's impressed that his little brother has an office, which must be pretty impressive to a guy that lives in the back seat of a car. Ed asks Lloyd what he's doing now, and Lloyd spouts off a bunch of crap about communications and marketing that sounds totally made up. Lloyd (who, incidentally, has one helluva name to have to type; I didn't think it'd be all that hard, but I'm about to get arthritis simply from typing the name "Lloyd" over and over again. Yep...a tendon just snapped in my hand) asks Ed how his love life's going, and Ed says that it's not. He casually forgets to mention that when he DOES get laid, he's doing some total hotties, which is probably a good thing because I get the feeling Lloyd couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a gold MasterCard. Lloyd can't believe that Ed's not getting any because he's a solid 7 out of a possible 10; that's a good thing, because you don't want to be higher than a 7 -- then it raises more questions than it should, by which I mean that the really good-looking guys are all gay. So...you know...you ladies need to remember that. Just stick with guys like your old Uncle Bob. I'm a rock-steady 4 myself, and I can rock your world all night long. Or at least for a good six minutes depending on what kind of day I had. Ed asks Lloyd what he's doing in Stuckeyville, adding that Lloyd must have some ulterior motive for coming to see him. Lloyd's disgusted that Ed would insinuate that Lloyd's here for any reason other than to hang out with his little brother, and leaves, going to check into the hotel and letting this whole ugly incident simmer for a while.
Over at Mike and Nancy's, Mike's enjoying some breakfast before he goes to his office and sits on his ass for eight hours because he turned down his role as Dr. Handsome last week and now has no patients. Nancy waltzes in wearing her jammies, and I instinctively yank down my pants, to my wife's and young son's horror. I quickly remember that I'm watching this on tape and not in the privacy of the bedroom with the door locked, sheepishly grin, apologize, and pull my pants back up. Meanwhile, my son is mentally cursing his gene pool. Nancy announces that she was up until 3 AM chatting with the internet geeks in the Billy Joel chat room. Mike's not too impressed that his wife is chatting with losers from the internet and rightfully so -- especially when his wife gets out of bed with a bigger grin on her face from four hours of sleep than she would after four hours of sex with Dr. Handsome. Say what you want about us internet geeks, Mikey...but we be takin' care o' yo' old lady and gettin' the job you can't do done, beeyotch. Nancy tells Mike that she wants to have a Billy Joel chatroom get-together at their house. Mike asks her to pass him the Yellow Pages so he can get the number of a good cult deprogrammer. Nancy giggles, calls Mike crazy, and says that they always hang out with the same losers each week, and she wants to meet the Billy Joel geeks. Mike says that she may be right, he may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic she's looking for. Yeah, Mike. Except she's looking for him on the net, dude. Fair warning, buddy: I'm out here. And I'm cruising the official Billy Joel website on a regular basis now. And I'm gonna steal that sexpot away from you quicker than a rabbit's orgasm.
As Ed's finishing up a court case, Lloyd comes bounding into the courtroom. Lloyd's impressed with Ed's mad skillz and still can't believe his little brother's a lawyer. Well, believe it, bitch, and if you're still having trouble swallowing it, maybe you just might get your ass sued by Edward J. Stevens for harrassment, mi amigo. They're walking out of the courtroom to get some lunch when Lloyd starts saying that Ed bought a bowling alley at just the right time, because bowling is in style once again. And out west, they have bowling alleys that are more like nightclubs than bowling alleys. Ed sighs and finally realizes what Lloyd's doing here: he's here to sell Ed on the idea of turning Stuckey Bowl into a swinging nightclub with neon bowling pins and techno music pumped through stacks of amplifiers. Lloyd pulls out a magazine and shows Ed pictures of celebrities like Bruce Willis, Minnie Driver, George Stephanopoulos, and Crispin Glover...all bowling. Ed points out that it's not Crispin Glover, it's Danny Glover. Lloyd tells Ed that he's missing the point, explaining that now's the time to turn Stuckey Bowl into a wild-assed bowling club. Ed says no, adding that Lloyd always has these crazy schemes and never follows through on any of them. Ed tells him to grow up and get a real career instead of always going for the big payoff. Lloyd says that he's forty years old, and asks Ed what he's supposed to do -- work in a shoe store? He's got a point. He's missing most of his right foot. Working in a shoe store would be kinda cruel at this point. Ed still says no. Lloyd says okay and dejectedly says they need to go get some lunch. Ed sighs and looks like he hates to have to turn his brother down. Ed's such a sucker. I bet he does turn Stuckey Bowl into a bowling emporium. Only because I've seen the commercials for this episode and he's either turning it into a bowling nightclub or Ed and Lloyd stumble into a really macho gay bar.
Commercials. The bald guy on ER is still dying. This is more like a public service announcement rather than a commercial. Like it's NBC's duty to remind us to watch their shows.
At Nancy's wild Billy Joel-lovin' shindig, Mike's asking a guy how long he's been into B.J. The guy says he's enjoyed oral sex since he was a teen. Mike says no, not blowjobs, Billy Joel. The guy grins sheepishly and says ever since "Allentown" came out; he was hooked for life upon hearing that. My God. Unless you're from Allentown, I can't imagine anyone ever admitting they like that song. I'd rather hear my teeth being drilled with no novocaine than listen to that horseshit. Nancy asks a guest if she wants "a bottle of red or a bottle of white," which comes from one of the Joel Man's tunes, but for the life of me I refuse to remember which one. The doorbell rings, Nancy answers it, and it's the freakin' Man Show boy, Aaron. God, I love this kid. For those of you with an inkling of class in your body and thus have never seen The Man Show, Aaron is the official mascot of the show; the hosts send him out on various projects, like rubbing suntan lotion on women at the beach. He tells the women the rudest, most profane things allowed on cable television, and he never fails to generate big laughs. I settle back in my chair and wait for him to offer Nancy a free bikini wax with his tongue. Nancy greets him like he's a boy scout trying to sell magazine subscriptions, and he explains that he's Stevie Walters from the chat room. Nancy's shocked that he's so young, and he walks right into the party like he was walking onto a yacht (sorry...I love that line). Nancy feels dirty and disgusting because for the past several months, she's been staying up until 3 AM talking to a thirteen-year-old on the internet and more than likely talking about losing her virginity to the strains of Billy Joel performing "Goodnight Saigon." A word of advice, Nancy: it may be looked upon as an annoying habit of chatroom perverts, but the simple chatroom phrase "a/s/l" can prevent you from any more embarrassments in the future.
Back at the alley, the gang's all swingin' the balls. Bowling balls, that is. Molly and Carol are infatuated with Lloyd and his amazing ability to be even more charming than Ed. Molly seems to have rebounded quite nicely from her role as an unwilling homewrecker from a few episodes back. Carol asks Lloyd if he likes living in Milwaukee; Lloyd says it's okay, but what he really wants to do is move to Stuckeyville and open up a bowling alley/nightclub with Ed. Carol thinks it's a great idea, while Ed stews because it's starting to look like his loser brother will get in Carol's bloomers before he does simply because (say it with me here) Carol dates nothing but losers. Lloyd goes to the snack bar to get them all some hot dogs, and Molly and Carol chastise Ed for not catering to Lloyd's every whim and revamping his business for his loser brother. Ed says it's all a great idea, but that there are issues between him and Lloyd, and that Lloyd is a dreamer with dreams of draining Ed's savings account. Carol asks Ed whether everyone should get a second chance in life; Ed says that he's given Lloyd five, six, seven chances to earn Ed's trust and Lloyd has never done it. Lloyd comes back and asks what everyone wants on their hot dogs. Molly says she wants a large meat lovers supreme pizza on hers. Ed says, "Let's do it" and Molly grins and begins to salivate. Ed says no, let's transform the bowling alley into a hip bowling emporium so that Ed comes off looking like a nice guy catering to his brother and maybe this will finally score him some points with Ms. Carol Vessey. Lloyd gets all excited and demands a hug from Ed. Ed tells Lloyd that the first time he sees that Lloyd is failing to take this project seriously, it's over. Lloyd swears that, this time, he's in it for the long haul. Molly pouts because everyone forgot about her hot dog.
We see MegaMark waiting for Warren to show up so that they can get in the Theta Beta Carotene party. Warren runs up with fake glasses and long bushy sideburns, looking like the love child of the fat guy in Barenaked Ladies and Neil Young. ["There's more than one fat guy in Barenaked Ladies, dude." -- Wing Chun] MegaMark yanks off the sideburns and glasses as Warren says he's going for a college hipster look. MegaMark says that Warren's breaking Diane's heart with all this crazy shit, and that she's totally in love with Warren. Warren blows off this news and says he's seen Some Kind of Wonderful; besides, it would never work because Diane's a cynic and Warren's a dreamer. MegaMark says he's a jackass, and Warren starts chatting up some chickies in line. The woman he's talking to is finer than a baby pube but looks to be in her late forties; she's certainly not a college age girl. I know the actors playing Warren and MegaMark are both in their mid-twenties, but at least they look younger. This actress looks like she was pulled out of an aging cream commercial at the last second and thrust into her role as a beautiful college girl. Alas, I digress my ass off. The girl's name is Carrie. She asks Warren if he's a member of the fraternity. Warren says he is, and that he and MegaMark are up from Notre Dame for the weekend and decided to come to the party. They make small talk without mentioning that the woman is probably old enough to be drawing Social Security checks, and she and her buddies go in, telling Warren that they'll see him inside. Warren pops a major boner for her and can't wait to get inside. Warren and MegaMark make their way to the guys who are blocking the door. These guys are your typical fraternity assholes who would probably get great pleasure out of seeing the two high-school boys crawling around the inside of a mall naked with votive candles shoved up their asses, barking and asking shoppers to kick them repeatedly in the teeth. The lead guy asks Warren what they're doing there, and Warren says they're from an affiliate at Notre Dame. The guy smirks and says that Notre Dame doesn't have fraternities. Warren corrects him, saying that they didn't use to have fraternities, but they do now. The guy wants Warren to show him the secret handshake. Warren swallows, grabs the guy's hand, and just stands there. The guy lets go and tells Warren to beat it. Warren grabs his hand again and does a secret handshake that would make the Three Stooges proud. The guy peels off one of the Greek letters from Warren's hipster jacket and tells them, once again, to beat it. MegaMark starts pulling Warren away while Warren protests, saying he has to get to Carrie.
Nancy's walking down the street when L'il Stevie Wonder and his mother walk up. Stevie introduces the two ladies. His mother says she's heard a lot about Nancy, and that Stevie has nothing but nice things to say about her. Stevie asks Nancy what she's up to, and she says she's about to grab some lunch. Stevie says he feels a bit peckish as well, and wants to join her. Nancy grimaces and says she really needs to get home. Stevie tells her to have some lunch with him, and his mother says it's fine. Stevie puts his arm out for Nancy to take. She just smiles painfully and doesn't accept his arm, and they walk away, Nancy looking like she's being led to the electric chair. Gawd. This kid's creepier than Isaac in Children of the Corn.
Back at the alley, construction is underway for the revamped Stuckey Bowl. Ed and Lloyd are walking through the place as Lloyd glad-hands all the workers, knowing each of their histories. Ed's impressed that Lloyd knows so much about these guys already, which proves that Lloyd's a better people person than Ed is. Lloyd wants him to go upstairs to check something out. Ed's hesitant, and Lloyd tells him he has the constitution of a titmouse, which sounds like the kinda line I'd write just to see if I could get the phrase "titmouse" on the air.
At the Goat, Stevie is rhapsodizing about food shows on cable television as Nancy looks like she's sitting on an African pygmy warrior. Stevie notices her look of extreme discomfort and asks if everything's all right. He's shocked that she's so talkative online and so shy in person. Nancy smiles as if she's undergoing intense labor pains. Molly and Carol walk up and ask if they can join them for lunch. Stevie says sure, while Nancy grunts through her clenched smile. Stevie recognizes Molly's perfume, and says that his uncle imports perfume and that he's grown up around it his whole life. Molly looks bewildered, Carol looks amused, and Nancy looks like she's being informed that she has inoperable brain cancer.
Ed and Lloyd make it to the roof of the bowling alley where Lloyd unveils the new sign and name of the club: Strikes. It's a huge, gaudy red sign. Ed can't believe Lloyd changed the name of the bowling alley and Lloyd says that Stuckey Bowl is the name a sixty-year-old man would give a bowling alley. Ed asks how much the sign cost, and Lloyd starts talking about fishing. Ed asks him again, and Lloyd says it cost $1,100. Ed about flips out, and Lloyd says that with all the shipping and handling, it was really about $1,800. Ed now officially flips out as Lloyd tries to justify changing the alley's name and ordering a $2,000 sign behind Ed's back. Despite Lloyd's efforts, Ed seems to be a bit on the pissed side. Before he throws his brother off the roof to a bizarre death, Ed leaves Lloyd standing on the roof alone. Again. Naturally.
Commercials. You know, I really miss Dave Thomas from Wendy's. Man, that guy could make a commercial worth watching, you know? That crazy bastard would put chili on a rusted car fender and eat it and we'd all laugh, saying, "Man, Dave! You are one insane piece of work!" Nowadays, Wendy's commercials are about as exciting as a root canal. I have a solution to this problem: hire Bobcat Goldthwait as the new spokesman for Wendy's. Dress his ass up like Dave and make it look like he's bought the company and is now offering things like Snotburgers or something. Heh. I'd sure watch those commercials again if they did something wacky like that. Oh. And the bald guy from ER is still dying.
Well, the power just came back on at the house. This is after I'd recapped everything up to the last scene of the show. And of course, I didn't save anything. It's all gone. I've been writing for the last two hours and it's gone. I know, I know, you're saying, "Just write it all again, Uncle Bob. You can do it." Yeah, maybe I can. But I'm one pissed-off individual right now, and I now have to rewrite what was arguably the best recap I've ever done. Sadly, my computer ate it, and we will never get to experience the joy that my aborted recap would have brought us all. So enjoy the second half of this horseshit tossed-together recap. Dammit. I'm pissed now.
In Ed's office, Ed's talking some lawyer shit on the phone as Lloyd walks in and admires his work. Ed hangs up the phone, and Lloyd starts babbling about how great Ed is at being a lawyer, when it's a complete suck-up job to mask the fact that he just spent almost two grand on a sign for this wacky new bowling alley idea. Ed just stares at him, and Lloyd says that if Ed's still pissed about the sign, Lloyd's already apologized for that. Ed stares. Lloyd says that if it will make Ed feel better, he'll...he'll...he'll cut his pinkie off. Lloyd picks up a pair of scissors from Ed's desk, wraps the blades around his pinkie, and starts to saw his pinkie clean off his hand. Somewhere, Ed Gein is salivating. Lloyd makes a face like it's hurting, and Ed finally cracks up. This cracks Lloyd up, and Lloyd says Ed should be grateful that he got the lawyer gene while Lloyd got the weird gene. They go to meet the beer guy out back. Awwwww. They're brothers again. How grand. Meanwhile, I'm still not talking to my sonofabitch shit-eating computer. Yes, I know it's my responsibility to save my work at various portions of the job. But my computer should have some kinda auto-save function or something. Bitch-assed computer.
At the Smiling Goat, Warren is telling MegaMark that, had he gotten his foot in the door at that frat party, all of his life's problems would be solved. MegaMark notices Diane standing outside like a poor little match girl, and motions for her to come join them. MegaMark tells Warren that he needs to look into nailing Diane on a semi-regular basis. I know it's not a very PC thing to say, but I'd sooner saw my penis off with a rusted chainsaw then have sex with Diane. She just doesn't float my boat. Neither does Molly. Sorry, kids. They're not my type. I like my women with self-esteem. Anyway, Warren's telling MegaMark that he doesn't wanna hear no lip about Diane liking him when Carrie walks up her walker (because she's so damned old). Carrie says she missed Warren at the party the other night, and Warren says they had to leave and go to Home Depot to buy a crapload of wood. What he meant to say is that he had to go home because his underwear was full of wood after he met her. Carrie tells Warren that there's another party on Friday night, and tells him he should come. Warren says he will...in his pants. Carrie tells him to meet her outside at 7, and she'll get him in the place. Now then, it may have been a few decades since your dear old Uncle Bob was in college, but in my day, if a party started at 7 PM, you can bet your sweet ass Dungeons and Dragons would have been involved somehow. Only nerd parties start at 7. Cool parties don't start a minute before 11 PM. I should know. I cruised through college with a 0.3 GPA but a 4.0 in Partayyy. Meanwhile, Diane sits down with our heroes and thanks the mouth-breathers for not waiting for her. Which really isn't fair, since MegaMark has a glandular disorder and couldn't make it through a family member's funeral without a snack of some sort. MegaMark comments that the two young would-be lovers are so cute together, and neither one acknowledges the comment because the thought of any naked physical contact between them is enough to make Warren retch and Diane squeal in public like a seal with its flipper caught in an oscillating fan.
Back behind Stuckey Bowl, the beer guy's telling Ed and Lloyd that the beer costs $18 a case. Lloyd asks, if they were to buy a large amount -- say 100 cases -- how much would that cost? The price is non-negotiable; it's $18 a pop. A billion cases? $18. Ed thinks it's a good price, but Lloyd doesn't, and he pulls Ed back into the bowling alley for a second. Lloyd says that while Ed may have the college smarts, Lloyd knows people, and Ed should let Lloyd negotiate with the guy. Ed's not thrilled with this, but Lloyd briskly brushes past him. Ed contemplates crushing his brother's skull with a bowling ball, but then realizes that he would probably represent himself in a court of law for premeditated murder and then people around Stuckeyville would start calling him "Cain." Or "Abel." Whichever brother killed the other one. Hell if I know. I don't know all that history shit. I'm tryin' to keep it real over here.
Back at the Goat (which is doing some bang-up business this episode), Nancy's waiting for Stevie. He shows up, apologizing that he's been at the bank, depositing the money from his paper route into his savings account. Nancy wants to talk, and Stevie tells her he's all ears. Well...he's not exactly all ears. He's about 10% ears and 90% gut, but he's a growing boy and I'll let the gut comment slide for now. Anyway, Nancy says she feels weird about them getting together. She says that when she was a young girl, she had a crush on her barber, and.... Stevie interupts her. Stevie says that he has never had a crush on Nancy. Besides, he's dating someone. Also, Nancy's not his type (he obviously hasn't seen her sexy dance), and she must be three times his age. Nancy says that she might be twice his age -- two and a half times his age, tops. Stevie asks what the difference is between being friends online and being friends in real life? Well, for one, my real-life female friends kinda balk at me forcing them to talk dirty at 2 AM while I'm sitting in a darkened room in some dirty boxers with half a bottle of Dewar's scotch all over my chest. My internet female friends jump at the chance because they think I look like a slightly more chiseled Fabio. Nancy decides that there's nothing wrong with their friendship, and comes to terms with the fact that she's spending an inordinate amount of time hanging out with a child to whom she's not related. Stevie starts babbling about seeing One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest the other night, and how the movie represents Milos Forman at the top of his game, when Nancy finally snaps out of her hypnotic state, excuses herself, and gets the hell away from Stevie, leaving through the front door. Stevie shrugs and orders a salad for lunch. I think it's a little late for salads, there, Captain Tubbo.
At the frat house, Warren's outside waiting for his geriatric date when he accidently walks into two huge football players. Warren gets all nervous, thinking he's about to get his ass handed to him and starts talking football talk with them, except it comes out "Knute Rockne! Jim Thorpe! Win one for the Gipper!" Carrie walks up as Warren's in the midst of a nervous babbling fit. She grabs him by the arm, they bound up the stairs, and she tells the asshole frat guy out front that Warren's with her. Warren mouths the words "I'm with HER!" and they slip into the party.
At Strikes (formerly Stuckey Bowl), Lloyd is getting Carol and Molly a beer and saying that the place will be jumping in about an hour. The place now looks like a strip club, with plants and dark lights and Shirley in a g-string, practicing a lapdance on a bowling pin. To celebrate her newfound freedom, Molly has began parting her hair a few inches over to the left. I must say, it makes her positively normal. It doesn't add a thing to her physical stature. Anyway, Lloyd is handing out beers and asking Ed whether he remembers how much the beer cost per case, because Lloyd's bad with figures, and Ed's good with everything. After much cajoling, Ed mumbles that the beer cost $12. 50 per case, and now he's going to have to hear about it for the rest of his life. Lloyd keeps harping on the cost of the cases and how he's the one who saved them $5.50 a case when Ed snaps, leaps over the counter, and tries to kill Lloyd. Lloyd runs away, yelling, "Bring it on, Edna!" Ed chases Lloyd around the bowling alley while Molly laughs at the shenanigans and Carol laughs at Molly's new hair part.
Commercials. This week, if you haven't tried Pizza Hut's new P'Xone, Tommy Davidson will carjack your ass. It's that simple: buy the P'Zone, keep your car. Otherwise, keep an eye out for a guy in a leather jacket rapping on your car window with a tire iron that he will soon be using to beat your brains out. I still haven't tried the P'Zone. And I've decided I won't be leaving my house for a while, either. Meanwhile, the brains are beginning to seep out of the bald guy on ER's ears. Watch ER and see what happens when doctors get brain damage.
At Strikes, the clock is about to strike 10 as the group sits around the bar glumly. It looks like nobody has shown up for the grand opening, and Lloyd and Ed get up to go look at the front doors to see if anyone's there. As they round the corner, there's a literal throng of people outside the doors impatiently waiting to get in. The Stevens brothers open the doors and the people stampede like The Who is inside tuning up. The musical montage of the week cranks up as "Who's Got The Last Laugh Now" begins playing. Actually, it's a pretty boring musical montage, since it just shows people bowling and having fun as the Stevens brothers walk around like they own the joint and have an office full of cocaine in the back. The scene's got a sleazy Blow/ Boogie Nights/ Scarface kinda feel to it. Something tells me Ed's going to walk in on Lloyd putting coke on the tip of his penis by the end of the show.
Over at the frat party, Warren's hanging out with Grandma Moses, who asks him if he wants to see something "cool." Warren asks if she means "cool" as in his cousin who's double-jointed, and can bend his thumb backwards. Granny takes his hand and leads him through the crowd and up some stairs. Warren's telling himself to be cool, be cool. The poor guy's probably ejaculated twice since he walked through the door. Granny takes him up to the frat's sex room, and Warren's babbling like a possessed baby. Granny asks him if he knows what would be fun, and he blurts, "ParcheEsi?" and then covers all the fine points of the board game. Granny giggles and starts taking his coat off and sitting him down on a couch, saying that she was thinking of something more along the lines of "Spin the Bottle." Warren says that's another timeless classic, but that with two people, it kind of defeats the purpose of kissing random people. Granny spins the bottle, doesn't really bother to see who it may be pointing at, and starts kissing Warren. Warren is in heaven, since he's never kissed a woman who wore Depends, unless you count the time his Aunt Tessie got drunk at Christmas. Warren asks Granny to marry him, and she tells him it's his turn to spin the bottle. He grabs the bottle and throws it, breaking it in a corner. They start getting hot and heavy, with Warren telling her that he really thinks she's the one, but then the scene fades away and we never find out "the one what?" Dammit, this shoddy editing is unnerving sometimes.
Apparently, Strikes is now closed after a successful grand opening evening, and the Stevens brothers are enjoying a beer together and wallowing in their success. Lloyd asks Ed whether he remembers the time Lloyd taught him how to ride a bike. Ed laughs and says he remembers. Lloyd says he was able to teach Ed how to ride a bike because he understood Ed. Never mind that he was seventeen while Ed was probably six; Lloyd understood Ed enough to teach him how to ride a bike. Lloyd's a little sloshed like Marge Schott's a little racist, and says, "I'm good at some things, aren't I?" Ed thinks for a second and says, "There are some things in this world that nobody can do better than you." This makes Lloyd chuckle and feel somewhat better about his pathetic existence as a vagabond with great ideas and no money or will to see them through. They decide to close up shop, and Ed reminds Lloyd that he has a meeting at 9 AM with the advertising guy. Lloyd wonders aloud if he's negotiable. Ed asks how much longer Lloyd's going to rub in the fact that he got cases of beer at a third off, and Lloyd tells him this will be going on the rest of his natural life.
Back at the Frat House, Warren and Granny are getting hotter and heavier than MegaMark after a marathon run. Warren starts unbuttoning his shirt and gets caught up on the buttons on his sleeves. "What? Are these made of titanium?" he squeaks. Granny gets the buttons unbuttoned and then removes her shirt. Warren makes a sound like a walrus missing the Final Jeopardy! question and losing everything. They continue making out when Granny stops. "I can't do this," she says. The sound that Warren made here was priceless. It was supposed to come out "Huh?" but it sounded like a duck saying "Huh?" Granny explains that she and her friends play this little game where they get points for doing stupid stuff. One of those things is sleeping with a virgin, which is 1,000 points. Warren, desperate to save face, squeals, "But I'm not a virgin!" Granny says she can't do this because it's just so wrong. Warren thinks about it for a second and then tells her that she will win this contest, and by God, he's going to help her win it. She is free to hump his brains out. He keeps telling her to go for the gold, but she says she can't. Warren reminds her that if she quits now, she'll quit for the rest of her life and always be known as a quitter and he can't let that happen to her. She puts her shirt back on and tells him goodbye. Warren asks her to please...not... go...out... that...and she walks out the door as he finishes, "door." He thinks for a second and runs out into the hallway. "Do any of your friends need 1,000 points?" he hollers.
Over at Strikes, Ed gets to the front door, which is locked, and finds a note from the advertising guy that says he was there at nine and maybe Lloyd would like to reschedule the meeting sometime in the future. This infuriates Ed, who begins thumping the note, trying to keep his anger in check. In Ed's office, he's still thumping that note as Lloyd walks in. Ed asks him what time it is, and Lloyd has no idea. It's noon. Lloyd says he overslept because he was so wound up over the success of the opening night that he laid awake and fantasized about being known as Mr. Molly Hudson until 5 AM. Ed reminds him that he missed the meeting with the advertising guy. Lloyd says, "Oh yeah," and that he will just reschedule the meeting, no biggie. Ed goes off on him, saying that Lloyd has already missed a meeting on the second day of the club's opening, and that Lloyd hasn't changed, and that he's a loser, and that he probably can't tie his own shoes and has to have his Mommy tie his shoes, and then he calls him an insufferable fuck, which really took me by surprise because this is NBC and all and you just don't hear the f-word bandied around like you do on CBS during that 9-11 show and then...well, then Lloyd shoots Ed dead. Yep. That's how it happened, all right. Um...okay, none of that last part really happened, but it would have really jazzed the scene up if it had. Basically, Lloyd's a slacker -- always has been, always will be -- and Ed's sick of it. Ed hands him the business budget and tells him he'll have to know it backward and forward for their meeting with the bank guy at 7 AM Monday morning. Lloyd asks why they have to meet him at 7 AM. Ed says, "Dammit, Lloyd!" Lloyd says fine...he'll know it. Ed leaves him sitting in his office in a huff and Lloyd gets that look on his face that says running a business isn't going to be nearly as fun as thinking about running a business. Tell me about it, Bill Gates. That bowling alley management gig's a bitch, huh?
Nancy and Mike are walking into the Goat, and run into Stevie and some college chick who's probably actually college-aged, not like Warren's elderly companion. It's an uncomfortable position for both Nancy and Stevie. Stevie introduces his companion Shelley to Mike and Nancy. They met on the David Lynch website. Nancy says she didn't know that Stevie was a fan of David Lynch, and Stevie says there's a lot Nancy doesn't know about him, which was intended to sting her, but the slam nearly knocked her on her fine, dancing ass. Nancy seems a bit ruffled as Stevie says he'll see her around, and leaves with Shelley on his arm. Mike starts singing, "Uptown Girl...you're his Uptown Girl." Nancy hits Mike as he grins, glad that his wife isn't hanging out with teenage boys on the internet anymore.
Back in class, Warren's quietly telling MegaMark that he is indeed an idiot, and that girls like Granny Carrie and Jessica Martel may not be the answers to solving his life's problems. MegaMark does his best Yoda impression and says that you don't solve life: you live it. And he can fantasize all he wants about the hotties, but the reality will eventually sink in that he's a schlep and will always be resigned to dating girls like...and he nods in Diane's direction, who's entranced in a book with a slight smile on her face. Warren and MegaMark glance at her as she feels their glares on her skin, slowly looks up, and loudly says, "What?!" They both look back down at their books as she returns to hers. Warren takes another look at her and tries to imagine life with Diane by his side as she sort of glances at him out of the corner of her eye. Without sounding too schmaltzy, here...it really was a warm moment...one of those moments that Ed is so good at pulling off without a hitch. That one moment signified the beginning of the Warren and Diane era, which will prove to be a well-crafted bone thrown out from the creators of the show to those of us who want to see Ed and Carol get their mack on. They can't give us that right now, but they'll give us an even sweeter romance in Warren and Diane. Christ. I'm getting all warm and gushy here. Somebody gimme a Kleenex and let's move on to the scene, dammit.
Out in the Strikes parking lot, Ed pulls up and sees Lloyd stuffing things into the trunk of his car. Ed surprises him and asks what he's doing. Lloyd says he's got a friend, Bucky, in Vegas, who's started a chain of restaurants called Buffalo Burgers, made with buffalo meat (which has half the fat of regular beef). Lloyd's going to go out to Vegas and be on the ground floor of this great opportunity, and it's something he can't pass up, can he, Ed? Ed smiles and says that, no, Lloyd can't pass this up. Lloyd says the timing's wrong with the bowling alley. Lloyd says that once he gets things going with Bucky, he'll come back and pick up where he left off at Strikes. Ed says okay, knowing full well that Lloyd won't do it. Lloyd says he's serious, a few months, tops, and he'll be back to help him. Ed says okay. They stand there and Ed pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to Lloyd. Lloyd says there's no way he can accept cash from his little brother, but before Lloyd can finish the sentence, he snatches the cash out of Ed's hand. Ed tells Lloyd that he's good at things. Lloyd just stands there, and they finally hug. Lloyd says he's probably going to stop and see the Grand Canyon on his way out to Las Vegas, because no matter how big you are, everyone's tiny at the Grand Canyon. He gets in his car and yells, "You have got to love the open road!" and pulls out of the parking lot, and Ed's life, for the time being. Dammit. Two sentimental, warm, tender scenes back to back. These sons of bitches. I feel like I'm watching Lifetime or something.
All in all, a good episode...much better the second time around with nuggets strewn throughout reminding us why Ed really is one of the better shows on television today.