Uncle Bob gave this episode a grade of
B-
75 users have given this episode an average grade of
B
All right, first off, I don't want any crap from any of you kids out there, but Uncle Bob missed the first five minutes of the show this week. My VCR, which has always been a trustworthy little bitch in the past, didn't kick in at 7 PM Central this week. Luckily, I jumped up, ran to the VCR, and started it after the opening credits. Never fear, though -- I've watched enough episodes of Ed that I can pretty much make up a five-minute opener and nobody would be the wiser. So here goes...
We open the show with Ed and Carol sitting at the snack bar at the Stuckey Bowl. Carol asks Ed if he has a brother because she's trying to line up any other male on the planet besides Ed in case Jackass moves to Minnesota. Ed says he does have a brother, but he's kind of the black sheep of the family. Carol asks how so, and Ed explains that his brother joined the military at the age of eighteen, blew portions of his right foot off on purpose in order to get an honorable discharge, then began delivering pizzas for a living, but was never at the house in thirty minutes or less, because his foot was little more than a stump and that made it hard to use the accelerator in his car, so most times he was lucky to get the pizza to its destination the same week it was ordered. Mike walks in, scopes the place out, walks over to Ed and Carol, and bets Ed $10 he won't reach over and fondle Carol's breasticles, twisting them while saying, "Come in Tokyo, this is the U.S.S. Edward J. Stevens....come in Tokyo." Ed smirks and goes to do it, but Carol gives him a look that says, "Try it and you're rotting Spam, Stevens." Ed sighs, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a ten-spot, and slaps it in Mike's palm as Mike cackles hysterically. Phil walks over and says he's out of here for the episode because he's got a pretty good feeling that Ed's brother will be stopping by soon, and Ed's brother will probably be ten times the goofball that Phil is and there's no way he's going to hang around to check out the competition. So he leaves. Carol asks Ed, "What was that all about?" and Ed says he's not sure, but he thinks Phil was dropped on his head as a baby and has gained psychic powers. Mike passes gas and they all laugh hysterically. Now then...was I even close?!
Opening credits. Which...I didn't see. So my painful weekly ritual of retching during the opening theme song is granted a temporary retrieve.
In the halls of Stuckeyville High, MegaMark is breathing down Diane's neck as she tries to finish a chapter in a book entitled How To Land The Man You Want By Setting Him Up With The School's Hottie And Watching Him Fall On His Ass. MegaMark asks Diane how in the world can she read for pleasure. She doesn't acknowledge him, and he says that the only book he's ever read for pleasure was Valley of the Dolls. Warren pops up and asks them what they're doing tomorrow night; MegaMark says he's never doing anything tomorrow night. Warren slaps a flyer on MegaMark's chest -- which threatens to eat the flyer alive with the massive amounts of flesh under MegaMark's right man-boob -- and announces that they're all going to a fraternity party. Apparently, Phi Delta Xena Warrior Princess is having a party, and Warren's decided that the three loserteers are going. Diane looks at the flyer and says that it's only for members. This doesn't concern Warren, who's teasing MegaMark with the news that the place will be swarming with hotties, and maybe the boys will finally get some hot sorority girl action, because sorority girls appreciate high-school boys. Uh huh. And bin Laden appreciates American ingenuity. Diane sarcastically tells the guys to have fun, and Warren half-assedly begs her to tag along as she walks away. Warren asks MegaMark if they might want to wear togas. MegaMark asks if it's a toga party, and Warren says it isn't. MegaMark says, "Then no." The thought of MegaMark in a toga has suddenly taken the place of the theme song as far as making me want to spew chunks of meat loaf around the room, yet I amazingly fight the urge.
At the bowling alley, Ed's mopping the jizz off an alley (damned fraternity hazings!) when Timothy Busfield waltzes in, sporting his new Charles Manson look. He screams, "ED!" Ed grins reluctantly and says, "Hey, Lloyd." They hug, and Lloyd's all excited to see Ed, while Ed stands there, waiting for a wedgie. Ed introduces Lloyd to Kenny and Shirley. Shirley's eyes are threatening to swallow her face. I've noticed her eyes were huge in the past, but now she looks like one of those paintings from the 1970s of the kids with huge-assed eyes that little girls used to hang on their bedroom walls -- the kind of painting that used to give me nightmares of kids with amazon eyes. Those ones. Anyway, Lloyd notices Shirley's big-assed eyes and asks her what's wrong. She says that the two brothers look nothing alike, and that this is giving her a mild freak-out moment. Lloyd laughs and says that when Ed was eight, Lloyd convinced him that he was adopted, and Ed believed him for a week. Ed says it was more like a month, and Lloyd laughs, remembering what a cruel sonofabitch he used to be. Lloyd asks Ed to show him around, and they walk away. Kenny comments that Lloyd seems to be a nice guy and Shirley pins the tail on the donkey as she says that he comes across as a big friendly talking sheepdog. That Shirley sure has a knack for pegging people. Must be that her eyes make her able to see inside their souls or something.
So Ed and Lloyd walk into Ed's office. Lloyd's impressed that his little brother has an office, which must be pretty impressive to a guy that lives in the back seat of a car. Ed asks Lloyd what he's doing now, and Lloyd spouts off a bunch of crap about communications and marketing that sounds totally made up. Lloyd (who, incidentally, has one helluva name to have to type; I didn't think it'd be all that hard, but I'm about to get arthritis simply from typing the name "Lloyd" over and over again. Yep...a tendon just snapped in my hand) asks Ed how his love life's going, and Ed says that it's not. He casually forgets to mention that when he DOES get laid, he's doing some total hotties, which is probably a good thing because I get the feeling Lloyd couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a gold MasterCard. Lloyd can't believe that Ed's not getting any because he's a solid 7 out of a possible 10; that's a good thing, because you don't want to be higher than a 7 -- then it raises more questions than it should, by which I mean that the really good-looking guys are all gay. So...you know...you ladies need to remember that. Just stick with guys like your old Uncle Bob. I'm a rock-steady 4 myself, and I can rock your world all night long. Or at least for a good six minutes depending on what kind of day I had. Ed asks Lloyd what he's doing in Stuckeyville, adding that Lloyd must have some ulterior motive for coming to see him. Lloyd's disgusted that Ed would insinuate that Lloyd's here for any reason other than to hang out with his little brother, and leaves, going to check into the hotel and letting this whole ugly incident simmer for a while.
“ Say what you want about us internet geeks, Mikey...but we be takin' care o' yo' old lady and gettin' the job you can't do done, beeyotch. ”
Over at Mike and Nancy's, Mike's enjoying some breakfast before he goes to his office and sits on his ass for eight hours because he turned down his role as Dr. Handsome last week and now has no patients. Nancy waltzes in wearing her jammies, and I instinctively yank down my pants, to my wife's and young son's horror. I quickly remember that I'm watching this on tape and not in the privacy of the bedroom with the door locked, sheepishly grin, apologize, and pull my pants back up. Meanwhile, my son is mentally cursing his gene pool. Nancy announces that she was up until 3 AM chatting with the internet geeks in the Billy Joel chat room. Mike's not too impressed that his wife is chatting with losers from the internet and rightfully so -- especially when his wife gets out of bed with a bigger grin on her face from four hours of sleep than she would after four hours of sex with Dr. Handsome. Say what you want about us internet geeks, Mikey...but we be takin' care o' yo' old lady and gettin' the job you can't do done, beeyotch. Nancy tells Mike that she wants to have a Billy Joel chatroom get-together at their house. Mike asks her to pass him the Yellow Pages so he can get the number of a good cult deprogrammer. Nancy giggles, calls Mike crazy, and says that they always hang out with the same losers each week, and she wants to meet the Billy Joel geeks. Mike says that she may be right, he may be crazy, but it just may be a lunatic she's looking for. Yeah, Mike. Except she's looking for him on the net, dude. Fair warning, buddy: I'm out here. And I'm cruising the official Billy Joel website on a regular basis now. And I'm gonna steal that sexpot away from you quicker than a rabbit's orgasm.
As Ed's finishing up a court case, Lloyd comes bounding into the courtroom. Lloyd's impressed with Ed's mad skillz and still can't believe his little brother's a lawyer. Well, believe it, bitch, and if you're still having trouble swallowing it, maybe you just might get your ass sued by Edward J. Stevens for harrassment, mi amigo. They're walking out of the courtroom to get some lunch when Lloyd starts saying that Ed bought a bowling alley at just the right time, because bowling is in style once again. And out west, they have bowling alleys that are more like nightclubs than bowling alleys. Ed sighs and finally realizes what Lloyd's doing here: he's here to sell Ed on the idea of turning Stuckey Bowl into a swinging nightclub with neon bowling pins and techno music pumped through stacks of amplifiers. Lloyd pulls out a magazine and shows Ed pictures of celebrities like Bruce Willis, Minnie Driver, George Stephanopoulos, and Crispin Glover...all bowling. Ed points out that it's not Crispin Glover, it's Danny Glover. Lloyd tells Ed that he's missing the point, explaining that now's the time to turn Stuckey Bowl into a wild-assed bowling club. Ed says no, adding that Lloyd always has these crazy schemes and never follows through on any of them. Ed tells him to grow up and get a real career instead of always going for the big payoff. Lloyd says that he's forty years old, and asks Ed what he's supposed to do -- work in a shoe store? He's got a point. He's missing most of his right foot. Working in a shoe store would be kinda cruel at this point. Ed still says no. Lloyd says okay and dejectedly says they need to go get some lunch. Ed sighs and looks like he hates to have to turn his brother down. Ed's such a sucker. I bet he does turn Stuckey Bowl into a bowling emporium. Only because I've seen the commercials for this episode and he's either turning it into a bowling nightclub or Ed and Lloyd stumble into a really macho gay bar.
“ Nancy feels dirty and disgusting because for the past several months, she's been staying up until 3 AM talking to a thirteen- year-old on the internet and more than likely talking about losing her virginity to the strains of Billy Joel performing 'Goodnight Saigon.' ”
Commercials. The bald guy on ER is still dying. This is more like a public service announcement rather than a commercial. Like it's NBC's duty to remind us to watch their shows.
At Nancy's wild Billy Joel-lovin' shindig, Mike's asking a guy how long he's been into B.J. The guy says he's enjoyed oral sex since he was a teen. Mike says no, not blowjobs, Billy Joel. The guy grins sheepishly and says ever since "Allentown" came out; he was hooked for life upon hearing that. My God. Unless you're from Allentown, I can't imagine anyone ever admitting they like that song. I'd rather hear my teeth being drilled with no novocaine than listen to that horseshit. Nancy asks a guest if she wants "a bottle of red or a bottle of white," which comes from one of the Joel Man's tunes, but for the life of me I refuse to remember which one. The doorbell rings, Nancy answers it, and it's the freakin' Man Show boy, Aaron. God, I love this kid. For those of you with an inkling of class in your body and thus have never seen The Man Show, Aaron is the official mascot of the show; the hosts send him out on various projects, like rubbing suntan lotion on women at the beach. He tells the women the rudest, most profane things allowed on cable television, and he never fails to generate big laughs. I settle back in my chair and wait for him to offer Nancy a free bikini wax with his tongue. Nancy greets him like he's a boy scout trying to sell magazine subscriptions, and he explains that he's Stevie Walters from the chat room. Nancy's shocked that he's so young, and he walks right into the party like he was walking onto a yacht (sorry...I love that line). Nancy feels dirty and disgusting because for the past several months, she's been staying up until 3 AM talking to a thirteen-year-old on the internet and more than likely talking about losing her virginity to the strains of Billy Joel performing "Goodnight Saigon." A word of advice, Nancy: it may be looked upon as an annoying habit of chatroom perverts, but the simple chatroom phrase "a/s/l" can prevent you from any more embarrassments in the future.
Back at the alley, the gang's all swingin' the balls. Bowling balls, that is. Molly and Carol are infatuated with Lloyd and his amazing ability to be even more charming than Ed. Molly seems to have rebounded quite nicely from her role as an unwilling homewrecker from a few episodes back. Carol asks Lloyd if he likes living in Milwaukee; Lloyd says it's okay, but what he really wants to do is move to Stuckeyville and open up a bowling alley/nightclub with Ed. Carol thinks it's a great idea, while Ed stews because it's starting to look like his loser brother will get in Carol's bloomers before he does simply because (say it with me here) Carol dates nothing but losers. Lloyd goes to the snack bar to get them all some hot dogs, and Molly and Carol chastise Ed for not catering to Lloyd's every whim and revamping his business for his loser brother. Ed says it's all a great idea, but that there are issues between him and Lloyd, and that Lloyd is a dreamer with dreams of draining Ed's savings account. Carol asks Ed whether everyone should get a second chance in life; Ed says that he's given Lloyd five, six, seven chances to earn Ed's trust and Lloyd has never done it. Lloyd comes back and asks what everyone wants on their hot dogs. Molly says she wants a large meat lovers supreme pizza on hers. Ed says, "Let's do it" and Molly grins and begins to salivate. Ed says no, let's transform the bowling alley into a hip bowling emporium so that Ed comes off looking like a nice guy catering to his brother and maybe this will finally score him some points with Ms. Carol Vessey. Lloyd gets all excited and demands a hug from Ed. Ed tells Lloyd that the first time he sees that Lloyd is failing to take this project seriously, it's over. Lloyd swears that, this time, he's in it for the long haul. Molly pouts because everyone forgot about her hot dog.
“ Lloyd picks up a pair of scissors from Ed's desk, wraps the blades around his pinkie, and starts to saw his pinkie clean off his hand. Somewhere, Ed Gein is salivating. ”
In Ed's office, Ed's talking some lawyer shit on the phone as Lloyd walks in and admires his work. Ed hangs up the phone, and Lloyd starts babbling about how great Ed is at being a lawyer, when it's a complete suck-up job to mask the fact that he just spent almost two grand on a sign for this wacky new bowling alley idea. Ed just stares at him, and Lloyd says that if Ed's still pissed about the sign, Lloyd's already apologized for that. Ed stares. Lloyd says that if it will make Ed feel better, he'll...he'll...he'll cut his pinkie off. Lloyd picks up a pair of scissors from Ed's desk, wraps the blades around his pinkie, and starts to saw his pinkie clean off his hand. Somewhere, Ed Gein is salivating. Lloyd makes a face like it's hurting, and Ed finally cracks up. This cracks Lloyd up, and Lloyd says Ed should be grateful that he got the lawyer gene while Lloyd got the weird gene. They go to meet the beer guy out back. Awwwww. They're brothers again. How grand. Meanwhile, I'm still not talking to my sonofabitch shit-eating computer. Yes, I know it's my responsibility to save my work at various portions of the job. But my computer should have some kinda auto-save function or something. Bitch-assed computer.
At the Smiling Goat, Warren is telling MegaMark that, had he gotten his foot in the door at that frat party, all of his life's problems would be solved. MegaMark notices Diane standing outside like a poor little match girl, and motions for her to come join them. MegaMark tells Warren that he needs to look into nailing Diane on a semi-regular basis. I know it's not a very PC thing to say, but I'd sooner saw my penis off with a rusted chainsaw then have sex with Diane. She just doesn't float my boat. Neither does Molly. Sorry, kids. They're not my type. I like my women with self-esteem. Anyway, Warren's telling MegaMark that he doesn't wanna hear no lip about Diane liking him when Carrie walks up her walker (because she's so damned old). Carrie says she missed Warren at the party the other night, and Warren says they had to leave and go to Home Depot to buy a crapload of wood. What he meant to say is that he had to go home because his underwear was full of wood after he met her. Carrie tells Warren that there's another party on Friday night, and tells him he should come. Warren says he will...in his pants. Carrie tells him to meet her outside at 7, and she'll get him in the place. Now then, it may have been a few decades since your dear old Uncle Bob was in college, but in my day, if a party started at 7 PM, you can bet your sweet ass Dungeons and Dragons would have been involved somehow. Only nerd parties start at 7. Cool parties don't start a minute before 11 PM. I should know. I cruised through college with a 0.3 GPA but a 4.0 in Partayyy. Meanwhile, Diane sits down with our heroes and thanks the mouth-breathers for not waiting for her. Which really isn't fair, since MegaMark has a glandular disorder and couldn't make it through a family member's funeral without a snack of some sort. MegaMark comments that the two young would-be lovers are so cute together, and neither one acknowledges the comment because the thought of any naked physical contact between them is enough to make Warren retch and Diane squeal in public like a seal with its flipper caught in an oscillating fan.