We open at the bowling alley, where Ed, Kenny, and Phil are preparing for Vegas Night, yet another promotion designed to bring patrons into Stuckey Bowl. Or at least patrons whose homes aren't resting on four wheels. Phil is saying how Vegas is a fickle mistress, and how "you may hold her, but you can't own her because she is...VEGAS," when Ed asks Kenny if he's ever been to Vegas. Kenny snickers and tells Ed "that's cute." Apparently Kenny was banned from Caesar's in 1987. Ed's impressed and asks if Kenny was card counting. Kenny says not the casino...the buffet. He ate 128 shrimp for $2.99. I bet he was vomiting pink goo for several days afterwards. Kenny and Phil walk away and Shirley walks up, announcing that she has finished the signs for Vegas Night. The sign reads "Vega$ Night." Ed mentions that he's particularly pleased that she used a dollar sign in the word "Vega$". Shirley asks Ed to please don't condescend to her. Ed says "okay", knowing how volatile Shirley can get when she's condescended to, and she walks away. Mike walks in with some poker chips he found in his attic. In a quiet moment, Ed bets Mike ten bucks that he won't kiss Kenny on the cheek. Mike's dragging his heels since he doesn't really want to kiss Kenny on the cheek. Ed prods him a bit further with the line, "Does 'ten bucks, Mike' mean anything to you?" Kenny walks up and Mike greets him. Then Mike raises from his chair and reluctantly kisses Kenny on both cheeks. Kenny stands there for a moment, nods his head and walks away. "You went European on him," Ed says. "I thought it might help," Mike says quietly.
Opening credits and commercials. Maybe it's just my heterosexuality talking...but I have absolutely no interest in seeing Moulin Rouge. I think I'd rather watch a two-hour FOX special on circumcisions gone horribly wrong than have to sit through that crap.
Back in the alley, Warren has tracked down Ed and is telling him that the Stuckeyville Prom is coming up soon. Ed doesn't give a shit because Ed graduated about 12 years earlier. Warren then hints that he needs to earn some extra cash and was wondering if Ed would have any openings for some extra help around the Stuckey Bowl. Something like passing out shoes or bringing some much-needed life into the Snack Bar. Ed says that he could really use some help setting up Vega$ Night. Warren, smelling the fresh scent of easy money, agrees to help, and then mumbles to himself, "THAT'S never been done before." Y'know...Warren's a snippety little shit for a guy who's needing to scrape up some cash in a jiffy. Carol walks in, and Warren asks her what she's doing there, leering like he knows Ed and Carol are doing the dry hump-o-rama behind closed doors. Carol says she's there to retrieve a bag that she had left behind. Warren begins to insinuate that Carol left the bag at Ed's house, and even though it's none of his business, he finds it a bit shocking that Carol is now slutting around at Ed's house. Carol tries to explain that she left the bag at the bowling alley and not in Ed's condom closet, but both Ed and Warren are now pumped with testosterone, and Ed lies, saying that she left the bag at Ed's house. Warren sees Ed in a whole new light...a light that he normally reserved for basking in his various high-school crushes and Star Trek conventions. Ed tells Warren that he can start working tomorrow and Warren leaves, flashing Ed a thumbs-up sign to let Ed know that Warren approves of him nailing the hell out of Ms. Vessey.
Carol wants to know what in the fuck was Warren doing there, except she didn't exactly phrase it that way. Ed says that Warren's just looking to make a few bucks for Prom Night, which is coming up week, according to the NBC website. Ed asks if Carol went to their senior prom; then he quickly recovers from this bout of temporary insanity and admits he remembers seeing Carol at the senior prom...she was wearing a big, fancy, shiny crown. Carol braces for the humbling ridicule that she has suffered every single day since she was voted prom queen. Ed wants to know what kind of power does a prom queen receive once she has been voted in. Did she ever get to bomb Belgium? Carol said she could and did. Carol then blows off Ed's infantile attempts at humor to inform him that she had a wonderful time the other night while standing inches from him. Ed says it sure beat a fist to the nuts. Carol gets all ga-ga and goo-goo and mushy, and we (the television viewing audience) are just supposed to believe that Carol has finally chipped the ice off her demeanor and fallen for our dear, sweet Ed. Well, guess what, Ms. Vessey? Television viewing audience don't play that. Uh-uh. Take your sassy ass back to...ummmm...well...just keep it right here for now...but we ain't havin' none of it. Nope. No sirree, Uncle Bob.
At his office, Mike is on the phone talking to someone when Nancy walks in. Well, guess what? NANCY WANTS SEX. Nancy starts acting all "my hormones are racing" and hops up on a table, talking about how she wants Mike's strong hands running all over her naked body. I just about drop my glass of Kickin' Kiwi Kool Aid all over my lap when she starts talking that trash. Nancy says it's always been a fantasy of hers to have done this, and Mike says it was a fantasy of his too. Nancy asks if she's part of the fantasy that he's talking about, and he says "you were there" and then admits that he always wanted to run his hands all over the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes' bodies. Personally, I think I'd have severe arthritis after living out that fantasy. Nancy keeps waiting for Dr. Jerome to burst in and bitch Mike out, but it doesn't happen. Mike tells Nancy that the guy on the phone was somebody named Henry, and he said that Dr. Jerome's been nominated as the "Doctor of the Year." Nancy asks how Mike can stand to work for the cranky old bastard, and Mike reminds Nancy that someday Jerome will retire and Mike will take over the practice, thus finally being able to take care of Nancy and Sara like he's always wanted, showering them with gifts and bangles and baubles. Nancy keeps waiting for Jerome to bust in, but he doesn't. Maybe he's dead. Dead from choking on the bile that makes up 90 percent of his body.
Back in the bowling alley, Ed and Molly are chatting in a very non-threatening "we're just friends and neither of us wants to sleep with the other" type of way. Ed asks Molly to come to Vega$ Night, and Molly says she can't because she's going out of town for a bris. She then asks if one is supposed to bring gifts to a bris, and Ed says, "Cotton swabs and mercurochrome," which cracks my big ass up. Phil comes waltzing in with an oxygen tank and is sucking it dry, trying to convince Ed that they need the oxygen tank for Vega$ Night. Phil wants to pump oxygen into the bowling alley all night and promises that people will be bowling their brains out until 4 a.m. The machine is so loud that it's hard to hear anyone or anything over it, so when Shirley comes up with a gentleman and announces that Ed has a client, nobody can hear her. Phil finally turns the machine off and Shirley introduces Ed to his latest client...Jerry Foley.
Jerry won the most recent Stuckeyville Open. Wait. No he didn't. He lost it. Jerry is one confused compadre. Jerry then tells the story of how he was leading by one shot and then goes on to use about a shitload of golf terms that I've never heard in my life because Uncle Bob doesn't golf...he reads, bee-yotch. That's what has gotten Uncle Bob as far as he's come...reading, beeyotch. I really should look into some elementary-school speaking engagements. I think I could really get into the heads of the youth of America by telling them to "just read, beeyotches." ["I think it could work. 'Reading Is Fundamental…Beeyotches.' It's got a certain rhythm." -- Sars]
Anyway, the guy was golfing, and just as he was about to sink his last putt and win the Stuckeyville Open, someone screamed at the top of their lungs and Jerry missed the putt, forcing him to finish third in the tournament. Jerry asks if he can sue, and Ed says "sure" but doubts he'll win the case. Jerry's pissed because he wanted his name engraved in a cup and he wanted the big cardboard check handed to him just like Ed McMahon does. Ed asks if he would be willing to take the putt over again, and Jerry says, "Fuckin' A, dude!" but not exactly phrased like that. Out of curiosity, Ed asks what was yelled at him that made him miss the putt. It was "You da man!!" I could understand Jerry being mad if someone had yelled "I did your mama doggy-style last night" or something to that effect, but…"You da man"? The beeyotch should be honored that someone thought that highly of him.
Walking through the school cafeteria, Warren is trying to convince Mark and Gavin that they need to rent a big limo with a Jacuzzi in it for the prom night. Apparently, Warren is suffering from the delusion that Ed pays $300/hour to help out setting up Vega$ Night. Mark says that Warren's just excited because he has a date to the prom, while he and Gavin don't. Mark saves face by telling Warren that the dynamic duo are going to be going stag to the prom because that's the cool way to go. Warren brings up the fact that every single female in the building will have a date and going stag to the prom is worse than bringing your mother...unless she likes it doggy-style. Mark then counters Warren's deduction by pointing out that, at every prom, some girl gets mad at her date and they break up. This is where Mark and Gavin will swoop in for the kill, sweep the damsel in distress off her feet, and then do her doggy-style in the back of the limo, preferably in the Jacuzzi where diseases run rampant in the warmth of shared waters. Mark asks Warren if he's asked Donna to the prom yet, and Warren says that he's just waiting for the right time. Donna walks up and flutters her eyelashes at Warren, and Warren acts like a retard who's mastered three lines of Shakespeare and coasts on that as an attempt to win the ladies over. Donna asks the boys if they have prom dates yet, and Mark says they're still assessing their options, as if the chicks are just lining up for a chance to go out with a guy the size of a Winnebago. Donna tells the guys to not wait too long...the prom's in less than two weeks and they shouldn't wait until the last minute to ask their dates out. Warren stands there like a robot from the 1950s, not really picking up on the whole "Donna's Horny And Wanting You To Ask Her" vibe. She walks away, and Winnebago Boy calls Warren an ass because he didn't ask her out right then. Apparently, Warren needs an engraved invitation every time he makes a move on Donna.
As the boys sit there, Jessica and her boyfriend walk past, and the guys overhear the boyfriend breaking up with Jessica. He's giving her the old "it's not you...it's me" speech and following it up with the "I just need some space and time alone" spiel. I use that same song and dance on my employers every time I get fired from a job in order to save face. Jessica sits down at a table by herself as her studly football jock boyfriend struts away. Warren says that this is comparable to when Puff Daddy and J-Lo went splitsville. Mark tells Warren he should ask Jessica to the prom since he's had a crush on her since he was 11. Warren chuckles and says there's no way that Jessica would go to the prom with him. Mark says he knows that, but he still wants to see what would happen when Warren asks. You know...for a fat tub of goo, that Mark sure does have balls. He just can't find them in all those rolls of fat. HOOOOO!! I'm a regular Andrew "Dice" Clay, I am.
Commercials. Nothing of significance here.
Dr. Jerome is shown on the phone, presumably either talking to his wife or his gay live-in lover, Chachi McGouligan. Ahhh...it's his wife. I just like typing the name "Chachi McGouligan" any chance I can get. Mike walks in and tells Jerome that he's won the Tri-State Doctor of the Year award. Jerome is livid. He asks Mike, "Did you have anything to do with this, you putty-brained goat?" Jerome finds the ceremony that accompanies the award "tacky and unprofessional" and refuses to participate in it. Mike says he'll call the proper people and tell them that Jerome doesn't want the award. Jerome says not to do that, because it will just piss off the other doctors and he'll look like an ass. Jerome instructs Mike to sit down and start taking notes. He wants no singers, dancers, or publicity photos for the local newspaper. He wants to approve the guest list and the menu and all entertainment. He notices Mike's not taking any notes, and asks him, "You do have opposable thumbs, don't you?" Mike just sighs.
The three stooges are walking down the school hallway with Gavin, chattering on and on about "Up, up, down, L1, L1, up, down, up, up, L2, down...and then you get the Magic Ring." I've got a friend like that, in his mid-thirties, who LIVES for PlayStation and all that hidden crap in the games. We call him "Shitski McLoser" behind his back. Well...not really. It's just another fake name I wanted to squeeze into the recap. Jessica walks up, and Warren almost pukes from nervousness. He tells Jessica he likes her sweater -- the one tied around her waist, that is. He asks "How's beans?" and then quickly changes that to "How's tricks?" Jessica tells Warren that Tim broke up with her, and Warren says that sucks. Jessica can't believe he broke up with her right before the prom. Warren tells her to "keep on keeping on," like he's the lyricist for REO Speedwagon all of a sudden. Jessica walks away and Dr. Love, a.k.a. Winnebago Boy, informs Warren that he's an idiot because Jessica clearly wants Warren to ask her out. Warren reiterates that girls like Jessica don't go out with guys like Warren, because she likes men with testicles and Warren clearly has no balls. Mark tells Gavin to knock some sense into the manook and Gavin, fearing for his life with visions of Winnebago Boy sitting on him if he dares to defy the Large One, lightly smacks Warren on the back of the head and says, "Mark is right." Warren asks Mark what does "manook" mean, and Mark says he heard it on The Sopranos.
On the golf course, the actual winner of the Stuckeyville Open, Gus McGraw, is golfing. Ed walks up and announces himself as Jerry Foley's attorney. Gus says Jerry doesn't need an attorney, he needs golf lessons. Ed asks Gus if he'll give Jerry another chance to sink the putt again, and if he gets it, would Gus forfeit the winning of the Open to Jerry. Gus thinks about it and tells Ed "sure"...he'll meet Jerry there at the golf course the day, and they can replay the last shot and whoever does better wins the Stuckeyville Open. Ed's all jazzed that his plan worked, but then Gus tells Ed that there's one thing that he needs first. Ed asks what, and Gus says that there was a golf tournament a few years back and a caddy dropped his bag, which broke Gus's concentration, causing him to lose the tournament. Gus wants to take that shot over again. Ed thinks "okayyyy" until Gus brings up yet ANOTHER tournament that he lost when a plane flew overhead...Gus wants to take that shot over again too. Then there was the tournament where...Ed says he gets the picture and walks away. Gus just chuckles to himself over Ed's ignorance. Like I stated earlier, I know nothing about golf, but it didn't seem to me like Gus was asking for anything too out of the question.
In the Stuckey Bowl, Phil is waxing poetically to Ed. "A cocktail in one hand, a showgirl in the other, and the casino staff catering to my every whim. To this day, the name Phil Stubbs is still known in many of the finer gaming establishments," he says as he stares wistfully in the distance. Warren asks the guys for some advice and tells them all about the Jessica dilemma. Phil grins, walks over to Warren, and says "Up top, Bird Dog, you're in like Flynn!" lifting his hands in the air for a high ten. Warren gives him that confused-white-boy look, and Phil finally gets him to lift his hands in the air where Phil can slap his palms and bump their stomachs together, which almost takes the wind out of Warren. Phil sits back down, and Ed tells Warren that it sounds like Jessica wants to go to the prom with him, and that Warren should ask her out. Then Ed gets a bit queasy and says, "I can't believe that I just agreed with Phil Stubbs." Phil jumps down off his perch and says, "Say YEAH-UHHHH!!" like a television evangelist. Ed just stares at his employee, trying to remember what drugs he was on when he decided to retain the services of one Phil Stubbs after purchasing the Stuckey Bowl.
In a fancy country-club-like setting, a flamboyantly gay man is chastising a woman over some chrysanthemums in a vase. Mike walks in and says he's looking for Mr. Scott Hayes. The gay guy says, "Mister? How continental!" Then as they walk past the chrysanthemum lady, Scott whispers loudly, "Check out her caboose! I'd sure like to get my mitts on that someday," in a fit of confused sexuality. He holds out his hand like a queen for Mike to shake, and Mike reluctantly shakes it lightly. Apparently, Scott is in charge of Jerome's banquet. Scott asks Mike what Dr. Jerome's hat size is. Mike has no idea and asks why. Scott says it's for the "Sombrero of Glory," which is a huge sombrero that has pictures of the doctor's patients taped to the sides. Mike clears his throat and tells Scott that Dr. Jerome is going to want to know some of these things that Scott is planning. Scott hands Mike a notepad and tells him to start taking notes, which Mike is beginning to get good at. Scott says they'll start with a production number that will make the Oscars look like a kid's birthday party. Scott's going to come running out, yelling, "Is there a doctor in the house?" Scott's convinced it's going to be so hysterical that the audience will be cracking up and Dr. Jerome will have to perform CPR on all of them. Scott notices that Mike's not writing any of this down, and Mike says slowly, "Sombrero?" That Mike. He's about as tarp as a shack.
Ed and Carol do their weekly "Accidentally Run Into Each Other On The Street" routine as Ed greets Carol with "Ho." I thought he was referring to Carol's free-spirited sexual escapades that have been finely documented in the Stuckeyville archives, but no...it's Ed's new greeting. Rather than "Hi" or "Hello," he's going to give "Ho" a try at becoming popular, as "it's his thing" now. Carol asks why the fuck did Ed tell Warren to ask Jessica to the prom, except not in those terms. What Ed failed to realize is that Donna has been waiting patiently for Warren (The Stud) to ask her to the prom, and now Ed has totally screwed everything up. Ed brings up the fact that Warren has liked Jessica forever and that he should pursue his dream girl rather than being stuck with a bump on a log like Donna. That's why he told Warren to seize the day...he didn't want to see Warren end up being a thirty-year-old bowling alley owner. Ed asks Carol to come to Vega$ Night and Carol says she'll be there, looking like she was just asked by Fabio for her hand in marriage. And let's face it...all women want to marry the Fabio.
Commercials, and...an NBC SURPRISE EVENT!! This week...in Peoria, Illinois (coincidentally...the birthplace of Uncle Bob...write that down in your trivia books, kiddies), a man has decided to surprise his mother on her birthday. His mother's running in a cancer run, and cancer is what killed his grandmother, so this run is very important to his mother. NBC has rigged it so that just as Mom crosses the finish line, Son will jump out and surprise her. Everything goes as planned, and this surprise has GOT to be the most insane waste of network airtime since Cop Rock. Mom looks like she could give a shit that her son's there; meanwhile the son is trying to play this whole thing up like it's just HUGE that he's there so that the people at home can say something other than "Why in God's name is this shit on my TV screen right now?" Sorry, Bub. It didn't work. Here's the biggest surprise...your mom didn't care that you showed up, and neither did we.
Back in the alley, Phil is sitting with a guy in a booth. Phil is interviewing the man, who has applied for an entertainment position on Vega$ Night. The guy's a comedian who once opened for Robert Goulet in Vegas. Phil's impressed, but he still wants to ask the guy some questions. First...is he funny. The guy says he's funny. Phil wants to know how funny is he. The guy says he's "hysterically funny." Phil gives him thirty seconds to make him laugh. The guy says, "All right...a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar," and Phil just loses it, laughing his smug ass off. Phil's laughing so hard he can barely catch his breath when Ed walks up. "I'm going to court," Ed announces. "Tell him what you told me," Phil laughs, wiping his eyes. The comedian says, "A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar..." and Phil busts yet another gut trying desperately to explain to Ed why that line is so funny. Ed just looks dumbfounded and walks away as Phil dies laughing.
In the courtroom, a video is being shown of Jerry's putt when a fat guy in the audience at the tournament yells, "YOU DA MAN, JERRY!!" and we see Jerry miss the putt. Ed asks Mr. Veccio why he yelled this out. Veccio says it's because Jerry is "da man." Ed says Veccio is taking this lightly, and Veccio explains that he's a sports fanatic and this is his way of supporting Jerry. Veccio can't just sit still and watch a sports event quietly; he has to scream until his lungs bleed. He does this at baseball games, football games, everywhere. Ed says that this is golf, not football or baseball, and Veccio points out there's nowhere in any law book or rulebook that says he did anything wrong.
In Dr. Jerome's office, Mike is running the ideas past Jerome. Sombrero...no. Dancers....no. Singers...no. Filet mignon....sure. A party clown dressed as a doctor...no, NO, NO!! Jerome loudly explains that he's a doctor and doesn't want sombreros, clowns, or singing donkeys at this event. He didn't become a doctor just to attend these asinine shindigs. He became a doctor to see half-naked middle-aged women in his office. That's what he's there for, dammit! Mike looks dejected, but then again, he always does when he's around the doctor.
Molly and Carol are walking down the street, and Carol's telling Molly that she thinks Ed asked her out on a date. She then babbles on about the intricacies of how Ed asked her...they were walking, and he stopped and asked her very formally if she would like to come. Carol changes her mind in mid-thought, which is a woman's prerogative, and says that he DIDN'T ask her out on a date, and she's insane to even think he did. Molly brings up the point that normally he would have invited all of his friends, but he's ONLY invited Carol...so maybe this is a date after all. Gotta love that Molls. She can point somebody in the direction of "Make-An-Ass-Of-Yourself-Ville" better than anyone else in town. Molly asks Carol if she wanted it to be a date, and Carol says she just wants to be sure on the clarification of whether it's a date or not.
Warren is in his house, doing his video journal. As he stares at himself in the video monitor, he goes over his most recent dilemma. With Donna on the left, and Jessica on the right, he's got one sweet girl and one hot, hot, hot girl to choose from for a prom date. He says there's no way that Jessica will go, but Ed says to ask her, and how can you argue with Ed when he's schlepping the schlong at Carol on a nightly basis. He knows he should probably ask Donna, being the safe bet and all...but Jessica is just so damned awesome. Plus Jessica wants him. Is he just supposed to let this go? Y'know...looking back...I used to have almost the same dilemma as Warren when I was in high school. Except my dilemma was which one to buy...the Playboy with the sweet girls or the Hustler with the horny slut-devils. So I kinda know how Warren feels except my penis might have been a bit more chafed than his.
Out in the court's hallways, Jerry Foley asks Ed how much longer they're going to have to wait for a verdict. Ed says he doesn't know, but it doesn't look good for Jerry's case. Veccio walks out and tosses a balled-up napkin into a wastebasket like he was Michael Jordan for Jerry's approval. Jerry tells him that he's met a lot of jerks in his life but Veccio takes the Nobel Jerk Prize, which your dear Uncle Bob has won three years in a row, thank you very much. Veccio wants to tell Jerry a story about a jerk he once knew, which sounds intriguing. It seems that about five years ago, Veccio was a caddy in a golf tournament and he was caddying for a guy who everyone says was going pro. Veccio does a bang-up job as a caddy the entire time and at the end of the 18 holes, the golfer stiffed Veccio on a tip. Now THAT guy was a jerk. Jerry stands there for a second, letting all the memories flow back to him. Veccio says, "You know...that jerk...he probably doesn't even remember me." Then as he walks away, he says smugly, "You da man." And Jerry realizes that all this was brought on by the fact that he didn't tip Veccio five years earlier at a tournament. Which just goes to show you...tip everybody that you come into contact with in daily life if you ever want to win a golf tournament. It's one of life's hard-earned lessons, kids.
In a kitchen setting, gay Scott is running around being a little bitch to every employee in sight when Mike shows up. Scott asks Mike if Jerome is allergic to lead-based paint and Mike doesn't know for sure, but would like to know why Scott wants to know. Scott says it's a body-art thing. Mike stops Scott's wandering mind long enough to tell him that Jerome is not interested in any of the ideas that Scott has presented, and in fact has rejected them all. Jerome wants a simple and classy banquet with no flamboyant shenanigans to be had. Scott says no problem. I giggle to myself because this wouldn't be Ed if shit didn't backfire on Mike. So this should be pretty good.
Back in the courtroom, the judge uses a buncha language that nobody other than a lawyer would care to have transcribed here. Basically, Veccio didn't break any laws or rules, since there is no rule stating you can't act like a jerk in public. So the court rules for Veccio, and Ed loses another case. Veccio jumps up and starts doing the Cabbage Patch while saying "Tim-Man, Tim-Man" which must be his first name, I guess. Either that or the guy's a huge closet Tim Allen freak.
Warren walks up to Gavin while Gavin's in his locker and asks who is in the photo taped up in Gavin's locker. Gavin says it's Ayn Rand, and Warren asks if she played Miss Hathaway in The Beverly Hillbillies. Warren tells Gavin, and Mark, who has now rolled up, to kiss his hand since he is their prom king. He's decided to ask Jessica out to the prom. The three of them get as excited as three high-school dorks with high expectations of themselves can get when Donna walks up and asks why are these three so excited. Mark stutters out, "They're making 'Superman' into a movie." Donna asks if that's already been done and Mark spits out, "No." She tells Warren that she'll talk to him later, and he looks like he just got caught having sex with the family pet.
Commercials. Another surprise live event. This time, a guy took a crap and invited his wife into the bathroom to check out the pipe he just laid. SURPRISE!!
In the bedroom of Mike and Nancy, Mike's working on a speech to introduce Dr. Jerome. Nancy is looking hotter than ever before...going with a skank look that really suits her. Mike asks Nancy to listen to the speech, and she agrees. He's written, "Imagine taking a ferocious Doberman Pinscher and starving it for a week. And now imagine rubbing yourself in bacon grease and locking yourself in a closet with that angry, famished half-crazed hell hound. Now you know what it's like to work for Dr. Walter Jerome." Nancy doubts that this is the actual speech and Mike says that it's tough to write a speech praising Jerome when he hates his guts. Nancy asks if he's tried lying. A light bulb goes off over Mike's head and he says that's a great idea. Sometimes I think Mike's as dim as a broken flashlight in a tunnel.
In an empty classroom, save for one hot-assed prom queen Jessica Martell, Warren sneaks in and says, "Jessica." Jessica asks what's up. Warren loses it and spits out, "Prom!" Jessica says, "What?" And Warren finally says, "Would you go to the prom with me?" Jessica pauses, America moves to the edge of its seat, and she finally says, "I'm sorry, Warren. I can't." Warren asks if she got back together with Tim, and she says, "No." He asks if she's going with someone else, and she says that actually nobody's asked her to go yet. Warren says that's totally cool...awesome, in fact. Warren leaves the room. He then spots Donna walking up the stairs, bounds over to her, and matter-of-factly asks her to go to the prom with him. She says she can't; David Mirsky asked her to go at lunch, and she accepted. Warren asks if she can get out of it, and she just says "Warren," as in "Warren, you're so freakin' pathetic," and brushes past him. , Warren's back in the empty classroom with Jessica, offering to buy her a dress if she goes with him. They can just go as friends. The poor guy is grasping for straws now, and she just says, "I'm sorry, Warren." Man. How quickly the studs fall from grace when they're not really studs.
Finally...it's Vega$ Night. Carol walks in and is greeted by former boxing champion Leon Spinks in a toga. Carol walks up to Phil at the shoe counter, who says Carol looks as tasty as a 99-cent shrimp cocktail. Warren starts the wheel of shoes for Carol while Carol asks if that was really former heavyweight champ Leon Spinks at the door. Phil says that was the closest he could get for five bucks an hour. The wheel stops, and Carol just got a size 12 and a half shoes. She finds Ed, who hugs her and offers to buy her a Vegas Viper, which is Hi-C and vodka.
At Dr. Jerome's dinner, Jerome seems to be enjoying himself. Mike says that the last time he saw Jerome this happy, he had his foot up Mike's ass. Nancy (who is now hotter than she has ever looked...she's got some kinda kinky perm thing going in the hair, mucho slutty-o) asks how Mike knew it was Jerome with his foot in his ass and Mike said he had to crane his neck to see. Gay Scott taps a crystal glass with a fork and announces that Mike has a speech he wants to give to Dr. Jerome. Mike goes on this long-winded speech that praises Dr. Jerome like he cured cancer or something. He ends it by calling Jerome the finest man he knows. Jerome looks touched, which is quite a change from his usual lemon-sucking look.
Back at Vega$ Night, Carol and Ed are playing the slots, with Ed spouting ignorant phrases like "Don't poke the bear at the zoo! Don't poke the bear at the zoo!" and "Good morning, Mr. Lucky!" Kenny walks up and says they have a problem...they've been sent two Roys and no Siegfried. Ed turns around, and there's two cheesy looking "Roy" impersonators standing at the shoe counter. Ed tells Kenny not to worry about it, they'll fix it in the poke. Kenny asks what that means, and Ed says he doesn't know; he just keeps tickling the one-armed bandit. Carol wins a bunch of prize tokens from her machine, and Ed tells her that's probably enough for the Underdog piñata. Carol hugs Ed hard and tells him that she has to hand it to him...he really knows how to throw the wacky theme shindigs. They walk away, and she asks where Mike and Nancy are tonight, and he tells her that they had another commitment and aren't coming, so it's just the two of them. Ed sits down at the blackjack table and says, "What's your name, little lady?" The camera pans to Shirley as she says, "Shirley." Carol stands there, putting two and two together in her head...it's just the two of them...nobody else...Ed's flirting with Shirley...THIS MUST BE A DATE!!
The "Doctor of the Year" award is presented to Dr. Jerome, and just as he begins to speak, Gay Scott and a bunch of singers and dancers burst out of a back room and are doing the worst song-and-dance routine since Rob Lowe danced with Cinderella at the Oscars so many years ago. Someone comes out and puts the sombrero on Jerome's head, and he's trying to look like he's taking it all in stride, but he shoots a glance at Mike that just SCREAMS "you're fired". Mike says to Nancy, "I'm a dead man. But it was so...so worth it." Then he begins to slowly applaud with the rest of the audience as Jerome seethes.
Back at Vega$ Night, Ed's bowling away while Carol sits looking like a prostitute in a roomful of sailors on leave. She wants a full plate of Edward J. Stevens meat and wants it NOW! Unfortunately, Ed would rather bowl. Carol says she's going to leave, and Ed says she can't leave, by God...it's Vega$ Night. Carol says she has a headache, has to get up early, blah blah blah...the same excuses Uncle Bob heard on every date until he was 29 years old. Ed talks her into going for a walk, and she agrees to that because she still needs a little nookie.
As they walk, Ed says, "'Tis a beautiful night." Carol says, "'Tis indeed," and Ed mentions that he's glad she picked up on the "Tis" thing. Ed starts babbling about how Pluto is not a planet...rather, it's a comet. He looks around and says, "Remember the first time we were here?" and Carol does. It's where they shared their first and only kiss. Maybe they had another kiss. I don't rightly remember right now. Ed calls it "The Kiss That Made A Man Move Home And Buy A Bowling Alley." They move closer as they talk...faces inches from each other...the setting is perfect...could it...can it...will it...???
Just then...just as lips are puckered and ready to meet...Warren pulls up. "They told me I could find you two here," he says as he gets out of his car and slams his door. "Warren?" Ed says. "What's going on?" Warren looks at Carol and tells her to close her eyes, he doesn't want her seeing this. Carol says, "See what?" Warren says he's here to beat the living shit out of Ed, throws up his fists, and says, "Let's go, bitch!" Ed motions with his hands and says, "What's this about, Warren?" Warren sees the hands move and shields his face in horror like Ed was about to slug him. Warren says Ed told him to ask Jessica to the prom, but guess what...she shot him down. Warren adds that Ed understands women about as well as Steve Kmetko. Ed asks, "Who?" and Carol says, "The guy from the E! Channel." Ed says, "Oh" and Carol clarifies, "He's gay" to which Ed replies, "Really??" Man. A slam on the Kmetko-man. The writers are feeling ballsy tonight. So that's it...Warren's junior prom...and he has no date. Ed says he's sorry, he had no idea. Warren mimics him. Ed says, "Warren," and Warren says, "'Warrrren,'" in a great impersonation of Ed. Warren gets in his car, after telling Ed to shut up, and drives off. Ed says he feels bad, and Carol tells him not to...that Warren always lands on his feet. Now that the moment of sexual passion has been successfully squelched, Ed and Carol start talking nonsense again. Ed's telling Carol that shooting stars are really the size of apple seeds, and she doesn't believe him. Ed acts appalled and tells Carol that he's only trying to unlock the secrets of the universe for her as the episode ends.
This was a big step forward after the last few dismal weeks. A court case that only took up about five minutes of air time, a healthy dose of Phil and Warren, twists, turns, and Nancy looking pretty freakin' hot. There have been better episodes of Ed, but not many.