Mike walks into an examining room where...Ed is sitting! How funny! Wouldn't it be weird if your friend were also your doctor? I guess it would be cool, because, you know, free drugs. Not that I take drugs. Nor should you. I'm just saying, in theory. Anyway, Mike's all, "Okay, Mr. Stevens. How we feeling today?" Ed asks Mike not to use the "big doctor voice," but Mike clearly likes the big doctor voice. Ed points out that he once saw Mike get his head stuck in a banister, so it's hard to take him seriously. Mike fits Ed with a blood pressure cuff and asks if he's had any problems lately. Ed says that when he was getting dressed and bent down to pick up a sock, he heard a crackling. Mike says deadpan that Ed has "two weeks to live, maybe three if [he cuts] back on the salt." Ed says that he'd never heard a noise like that from his body before. He never has? I'm a good five years (okay, four) younger than Ed, and I've been hearing crackling for years. He must be in really good shape. Mike points out that Ed is "just getting older," and assures him that it's nothing to worry about. Ed wonders why getting older is nothing to worry about. Mike kind of kneels in front of Ed and tells him to "turn [his] head and cough." Ed's all, "Excuse me? I don't think so." Mike says, "Yeah, okay." Testicle jokes are funny. And...credits.
At the bowling alley, Ed is giving out shoes. Phil comes up and asks "Bossco" if they can "rap," because he needs "a taste, you know -- juice." I love how Phil can put together words to form sentences that still make absolutely no sense. Ed says basically what I just said. Phil thinks that Big Rudy was right -- that Phil deserves a percentage of the profits, or as Phil calls them, "the whole condito." Ed points out that "condito" isn't a word. Phil takes that opportunity to resign as manager. Ed's all, "What?" as Phil hugs him, says goodbye, and walks off. Ed tells Phil's departing back, "Wait, you're not quitting!" Apparently, Phil is. I don't think it'll take, though.
As Phil walks out, Kevin Pollak walks in with a really bad comb-over. His character's name is William Johnson, and he's a chemical engineer. He asks if Ed likes bacon, and Ed, of course, loves it, as all right-thinking people do. Pollak asks to speak privately, so they head into Ed's office. You know, I used to think of Bradley Whitford as the poor man's Kevin Pollak, but I guess The West Wing kind of reversed those fortunes, huh?
In Carol's classroom, she is telling a "Mark" that he can't do his book report on Johnny Tremain because "it was written for ten-year-olds." It was? I thought I remembered my brother reading it in seventh grade. Mark points out that it won a Newbery Award (which it did, in 1944), which Carol retorts is "an award for children's literature." And not to be a nit-picker, but as a former bookseller, I have to say that the official rules state that the books' intended audience can be "ages up to and including fourteen." I'm not sure what grade Carol teaches, so maybe they're a little older than that, but not by much. Everyone is dressed in summery clothes, especially Carol, who is wearing a sleeveless shirt. Despite her clothing, Carol tells the class that it's time for "winter projects" and that she has assigned them into "groups of four," and that they should check the bulletin board for group assignments. We see Warren doodling a really terrible picture of his crush, Jessica. You know, the one he tried to impress with the CPR on Ed a few weeks back? The bell rings and the kids get up to leave. Warren checks the bulletin board and sees that he is assigned to read Walden, and his group includes Mark, Jessica, and some girl we don't know named Donna. Warren is thrilled, and tells Carol so, wondering "what god [he has] pleased to deserve such a favor." Carol pretends that she didn't know that Warren had a crush on Jessica. Warren tells her that she's "an awesome lady," and that some women would be jealous that Warren's affections turned to someone "younger and prett..." but before he can finish, Carol dismisses him. Man, that Warren needs to learn when to hold his tongue, huh?
Back at Stuckey Bowl, Pollak is opening up a bunch of Tupperware containers, explaining to Ed that they contain a sampling of all the various brands of bacon on the market. Ed tries a few, saying that they "taste like bacon." Ed has a lot more reserve than I would -- I'd be totally chowing down on all the bacon. Bacon tastes good. Pollak pulls out a special sample, asking Ed to try it. Ed munches and then says, "Oh. My. God. This is the most fantastic piece of bacon I've ever tasted in my life." Pollak smiles tightly and says that he invented it and he wants Ed to help him get a patent. Ed asks if Pollak "invented a new pig," and Pollak launches into a fancy explanation that I don't understand, but it's all very scientific, and it results in "an increased bacony flavor." Ed asks how much the process costs, and Pollak replies that it's currently at "$2300 a slice," but that he's going to do some experiments later today that he thinks will bring the cost down. Just then, Carol and Molly show up to take Ed to lunch. Ed introduces them to Pollak. Carol offers to meet Ed over at "the pie shop." Ed finishes up with Pollak by promising to run a patent search. Pollak offers Carol and Molly some bacon. Carol tries some, but it looks like she's just being polite. What is wrong with these people? If someone offers you bacon, you don't turn it down? Has the whole world gone mad? Molly takes a bite and says, "Holy crap!" So it's some good bacon. Got it.
Ed, Mike, Nancy, Molly, and Carol are having lunch. Molly remarks that Ed's new client is "kind of cute," and Carol agrees, clarifying it as "in a sort-of absent-minded professor way." Mike loves that movie. Jeff the Calculus Teacher walks in, and Carol starts teasing Molly and waving to him. Are they in the sixth grade or what? Molly wants Carol to stop. Carol encourages Molly to go talk to him or, even better, ask him out. I really want Molly to get a trim -- her bangs are totally in her eyes and she looks like a shaggy dog. Molly doesn't ask guys out anymore because they say no. Carol and Nancy are disgusted with Molly, which is easy for them, since one is married and the other is a total babe. I feel you, Molly. Ed reaches for the sugar and hears another crackle. Ed says "crackle" about ten more times before Carol stops him by saying, "It's called getting old." Ed doesn't look too happy about it.
Warren is in the library, using a computer. He's looking at a website called "Walden for Cheaters." Heh. That's pretty funny. As he reads through some quotes from Thoreau, he mumbles, "Jessica Martell, prepare to be impressed." He finds one quote in particular, and memorizes it along with the page number. I mention all this because it's important later.
A delivery man enters the bowling alley with a package for "Mr. Stanley Glick." Before Shirley can reject it, Phil reaches over and accepts it. Hey, I thought Phil quit? What's he doing there? Phil explains to Shirley that he uses Stanley Glick as an alias to avoid junk mail. Ah, kind of like having a Hotmail account to avoid spam. You don't really avoid it -- it all just collects in one place and you go in once a month and dump it. Shirley asks what Phil got, guessing that it might be "one of those 'Girls Gone Wild' videos." Shirley adds that she "went wild once on a trip to Scranton, Pennsylvania, but nobody was there to capture it on videotape." Shirley fascinates me. So many layers. And I'm not just talking about her makeup. Phil shows her that he has ordered a set of tapes called Succeed Like a Champ! which are going to help him get "a nice fat raise." Ed walks in and says that he thought Phil quit, but Phil says that he doesn't recall that happening and strolls away.
In his office, Ed calls Information to get the number of the U.S. Patent Office. Okay, he could just do a web search -- I'm pretty sure you can search patents online. One more reason Ed needs a computer in his office. Oh, but he's the kinder, gentler lawyer, who doesn't use a computer. Whatever. Anyway, Ed puts Information on hold because he has another call. I'm so sure the Information operator stuck around on hold. Anyway, it's Mike, calling to inform Ed that Pollak is in the hospital due to "some kind of accident at the lab." Mike knows this because the hospital called Dr. Jerome for his records. Ed says that he's on his way over. Hey, he totally hung up on the Information operator! Ed is mean.
Mike is all fuzzy, since we're seeing him from Pollak's point of view. He comes into focus as Pollak wakes up. Mike tells him that there was an explosion in the lab. Ed enters and asks Pollak if he's okay. Pollak doesn't know, so Mike fills in that he has some minor injuries, but nothing serious. Pollak remembers hearing a big bang, and that's the last thing he remembers. Mike tells him that the paramedics said that the explosion lodged some huge pieces of metal in the wall, a few inches from Pollak's head. Pollak realizes that he "could have been killed." Mike and Ed nod soberly. Pollak looks horrified that he almost died. Mike and Ed nod soberly again. I think they just used the same footage twice.
In class, Warren is meeting with his group to discuss Walden. Mark and Donna say that they haven't read the book yet, and Warren is incredulous, saying that he didn't just read it, he "devoured it, as one devours a rare steak." Warren takes that metaphor a bit too far, bringing blood into it. Warren proclaims the quote that he cribbed from the website, which I'm not going to repeat, because I think most of Walden is crap. I mean, Thoreau was taking his laundry to his mother's house. He wasn't living off the fat of the land or anything. But don't get me started. I agree with the whole appreciating nature, and figuring out what's really meaningful in life stuff, but I knew too many dirty hippies in college who read Walden while listening to their bootleg Phish tapes and drinking soy lattes, all paid for by their parents' contributions to consumer culture, so I'm a little turned off by the whole thing. And that's all I'll say about that. ["Thank god you saved me the trouble, because I could not possibly agree more. I will also add that it was pretty arrogant of Thoreau to choose to live 'simply' off the land when it's clear he only had the luxury to make the choice at all because he was wealthy and white." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, the other group members are impressed that Warren knew the page number for his quote, and wonder if he has a "photographic memory." Warren spouts some crap that I can't believe even a teenager girl would find impressive or endearing about giving good literature a place in your heart. I think that I would've burst out laughing.
Phil trots into the bowling alley and proceeds to talk to Ed, while saying "Ed" at least once, if not twice per sentence. Phil also touches Ed on the shoulder while talking to him. Ed is weirded out, as any normal person would be. The phone rings, and Ed answers it. We don't find out yet who was on the other end, but Ed says that he'll be right down and hangs up. He asks Phil to call Mike and tell him to meet Ed "on the corner of Main and Walnut," and that it's an emergency. Phil says "Ed" a few more times. Love that Phil.
At the corner of Main and Walnut, a crowd has gathered to watch a man climb down the side of a building. It's -- no surprise -- Pollak. He's gotten rid of the comb-over, so you know he's footloose and fancy-free. As Pollak reaches the ground, Ed runs over to find out what's going on. Some cops are waiting for Pollak too, and say that it's a good thing Ed is a lawyer, because Pollak needs one. Ed asks why Pollak was scaling the building, and Pollak says that he'd never done it before. Pollak adds that he's done wasting his life. Ed asks how he got up there, and Pollak says that he jumped up, grabbed the flagpole, and pulled himself up. The flagpole is fairly high off the ground, and Ed has a hard time believing the squatty Pollak reached it. Mike walks up and asks how Pollak got out of the hospital. Pollak walked out. The police arrest him for "disturbing the peace and reckless endangerment." Pollak is really, really psyched about getting arrested as the cops lead him away. Mike wonders if Pollak's okay, and Ed says that he seems like a different guy. Mike thinks he's suffering from "post-traumatic stress disorder," and that it's common with near-death experiences, so maybe they should get him to a psychiatrist. As Mike walks away, Ed tries to jump up and grab the flagpole, but he doesn't even come close. He's got the ups of, well, me. Mike wants to know what Ed's doing, and Ed says that Pollak is in his mid-forties, and he can grab the flagpole. Ed's thirty-two, and he can't. Mike looks at Ed like he's crazy as Ed keeps trying. Mike tells Ed that he's "one embarrassing human being," and walks off. I'll tell you what's embarrassing -- Ed's baby blue ski parka.
In Carol's classroom, Warren sits and reads while the other members of his group wander in. They all look at him, and finally Mark hits his desk to get Warren's attention. Warren looks up distractedly and asks if the others read any of it. Jessica says that it was "kind of interesting." Donna thought it was "incredible," but Mark is "so not into this." Warren says that he read -- "I mean, re-read" -- the first three chapters last night. Then he gives a Keanu-like, "Whoa!" Warren is amazed that the guy picked up and moved to the woods for so long. Mark is unimpressed, saying that he needs "at least a C minus on this project to pass English." Warren is all, "Forget about grade," because the book is about life, and then delivers an anti-consumer rant about giving up the stuff. Donna nods as if she agrees, while Mark and Jessica just look kind of confused. Donna interrupts to read the inscription. Warren grins, and so does Donna. They are having a real meeting of the minds. Warren thinks that the answer is, "Get out of the rat race! Simplify! This is just a big wake-up call!" Warren notices that Jessica is kind of staring at him, so he downgrades his enthusiasm to, "Whatever. I only read the first few chapters. The rest might suck." I think we can all see where this is going.
At the courthouse, Ed is defending Pollak. Ed starts out by saying that Pollak is "a law-abiding citizen," who has never made trouble before. Pollak interrupts and stands up to deliver a speech about freedom and justice. Ed calls Pollak over to ask what he's doing. Pollak says he's "never been on trial before," so he wants to "make the most of it." Ed tells the judge that Pollak recently had a near-death experience. The judge says that he'll drop the charges, but he doesn't want to see Pollak in there again. I don't think that's going to happen, given that we're only about halfway through the episode. Ed suggests that Pollak go see a psychiatrist. Pollak thinks that everyone else needs to see a psychiatrist, because he's the only one who is really living his life. Pollak offers to buy Ed a drink at the Smiling Goat, and tells Ed to "bring the girls."
My most hated song ever assaults my eardrums as the scene opens. It's "Hot Hot Hot." I really could not hate a song more than I do this one. How could the same people who chose the excellent Foo Fighters theme song pick this to be included in an episode? Anyway, I'll just get through with this scene as quickly as possible. Pollak leads a conga line through the bar, followed by Carol, Molly, Nancy, and some extras. Ed and Mike watch gloomily as Mike remarks that he hates dancing. That's not dancing, Mike. That's walking around while trying desperately to hold onto the person in front of you and hoping that you don't fall down and get trampled by all of the drunken fools behind you. Ed is amazed at the change in Pollak. Mike says that Pollak is "ruining the illusion [he's] created in Nancy that [he's] the most exciting human being on the planet." Heh. Ed says that scaling buildings won't change the fact that life is temporary. Mike tells him that he's a "depressing date," and comments that Ed should "use it or lose it." Mike explains that Ed isn't as active as he was at eighteen. Nancy runs over and pulls Mike out to the dance floor. Molly and Carol run over and tell Ed that Pollak is great. Ed's still gloomy. The two women pull Ed out to the dance floor. I don't get to see Ed and Mike dancing? That almost would have made up for having to hear that song. Almost.
Phil is at the bowling alley, listening to headphones and repeating "inspirational" phrases about being a general, and the sun, and the moon, and the planets. Ed walks up carrying a big box and asks Shirley what's going on. Shirley explains that Phil bought some tapes to help him get a raise. Phil concludes by yelling out that he is going to "SUCCEED! LIKE! A CHAMP!" Phil sighs contentedly and takes off the headphones, just as a customer approaches to get a pair of bowling shoes. Ed says, "Okay, then." See, that was funny because of the juxtaposition of Phil's melodramatic repetition and the mundane nature of getting bowling shoes. Or something. Come on, Phil is always funny. You just have to see it -- it's impossible to describe.
Mike walks into Ed's office, asking why Ed told him to come over. Ed holds up a notebook that says, "The Life & Times of Edward J. Stevens" and then has some date in 1986 that I couldn't read. They are missing out on such a book tie-in opportunity here. I would totally a buy a fictionalized version of Ed's teenage diary. It would be like The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, except probably with less sex and molestation. I hope. Anyway, Ed tells Mike that it's his journal. There's some back-and-forth over whether it's a journal or a diary. Anyway, Ed was going through his journal and found the current week, but when he was eighteen, and thinks he can "still do all that stuff." Mike begs to differ. Ed will prove it by doing everything he did at eighteen, this week. Mike tells him, "Medically speaking, you have a brain the size of a marble." Ed's not listening, thinking that these actions will make him "eighteen, again." Wasn't that a movie starring George Burns?
Carol walks out of the school. Molly, behind her, calls out, "Hellloooooo!" Carol asks if that was supposed to be a greeting, and Molly asks why she should say the word normally when she can stretch it all out like that and have fun with it. I totally agree. But she still needs to get her bangs trimmed. Carol asks if Molly has "gotten into the rum cake again." "Again"? Molly makes Carol ask who guessed her out to dinner. Carol's all excited, and guesses, "Jeff Alexander!" Molly replies that it was actually Pollak. Carol is kind of stunned and not sure why she should be happy about this. Molly seems as shocked about it as Carol, who finally recovers and congratulates Molly on finally getting a date. Hey, I've been the "less-pretty-but-with-a-great-personality best friend" in real life -- I know how Molly feels. Carol extols Pollak's many virtues as she and Molly walk off. Warren swoops down on them, breathless. He reads Carol a passage from Walden, like, enough with the book already, Warren! Molly and Carol agree that Thoreau was cool. Warren starts blabbing about "making genuine ho-cakes," when no one would do that because that's what convenience stores are for. Molly and Carol bid Warren goodbye and he excitedly runs off.
Ed sits at the pie shop in front of a wall full of pictures, which is labeled "Two Pie Club." Carol asks why Ed has to eat two pies, and Mike expositions about Ed and the journal and being eighteen. Ed says that on this date the year he was eighteen, he became a member of the "Two Pie Club." Ed looks for his picture on the wall and pretends not to be able to find it, until Mike can't take it anymore and points it out. Hee! It's a funny picture. Ed suggests that they look for Mike's picture, but Mike tells him that they both know he's not up there, because he couldn't eat two pies. The girls laugh at Mike's tiny, tiny stomach.
Molly and Pollak are on their date at The Smiling Goat. Pollak is telling Molly how life is all about sunrises, because they are an opportunity to do everything. Molly feels guilty about "hitting [her] snooze button over and over every morning." I do that, too. Except it's usually in the afternoon. The waitress arrives and reels off the list of specials. Pollak tells her to bring them all of the specials, because why try one thing when you can have everything? Wow, I wonder what wacky thing Pollak will do , and how it will match up against the wacky thing that Ed does ?
Mike, Nancy, and Carol help Ed into the bowling alley. Apparently, he ate so much that he lost the ability to walk. They see Phil standing there, wearing the same clothes as Ed and sporting the same "hairstyle." I put it in quotation marks because it's not really a style so much as a "run my fingers through my hair while it's wet and then leave the house." Carol asks what's going on, and Phil explains that he is "role-modeling," getting ahead by dressing like the boss. Ed walks up to Phil and looks him up and down. Ed says that he gives up, and offers Phil "five percent of the shoe return." Phil can't believe it, and Ed begs him to return to normal, or as close as Phil can get to normal. Phil gives a big speech about how they live in a "doggy dog world." Nancy pipes up that it's "dog-eat-dog world, not doggy dog." Phil retorts, "No, it's doggy dog world. You know, like we're all dogs?" No, actually it's a Snoop Doggy Dog world. It's Snoop's world, baby, and we just live in it. I'm sorry -- I just can't stop laughing at Phil's goofy hair.
Pollak walks Molly home. Molly says she had a great time. Pollak gives her a big speech about how he's not crazy, but he wants to "guzzle" life. He got a wake-up call, and it would be crazy "to not answer it." Molly doesn't think he's crazy. Pollak gives her a big smooch. Molly asks why Pollak picked her and not Carol. Pollak says that Molly is more fearless. Molly doesn't even invite him in with that one, though. What does a guy have to do to get some nookie around here?
Ed is sleeping on the couch of his office. Warren walks in and asks what happened, and Ed tells him that it was "too much pie." Warren walks in and starts preaching the gospel of Thoreau. Warren tells Ed that every man has to make decisions about life. Ed thinks his decision will be not to eat any more pie. Warren thinks that he's going to go live in the woods for a weekend, at "the top of Mount Precipice." Ed pulls out his journal and tells Warren that in high school, he used to get up before dawn and run to the top of Mt. Precipice with a full backpack on, and he could do it in -- Ed refers to the journal here -- "one hour, eight minutes, forty-two seconds." Warren annoyingly keeps quoting Thoreau. Ed reminisces about how he used to watch the sunrise and try to make decisions on how to live his life, and now he wonders why he bothers. Warren says that Ed is bringing him down. Ed asks the reason for Warren's visit. Warren wants to know whether he can get in trouble for spending the night in a state park. Ed tells him that it's against the law, but that if he gets caught, it's only "a slap on the wrist." Shirley comes in to tell Ed that "there is a gentleman bowling naked on lane six."
Ed walks through the cheering crowd that has gathered to find -- wait for it -- Pollak bowling naked. The ball return (hee!) conveniently covers up his naughty bits. Pollak rolls one down the lane while the crowd cheers, and Ed grins.
Ed confers with a now-berobed Pollak in his office. Ed tells him that he "can't bowl naked." Pollak wants to know why not, but before Ed can answer, Pollak presents him with a booklet he wrote himself called Do Everything!. Ed points out that if Pollak gets arrested again for disturbing the peace, he'll go to jail. Pollak thinks that the peace needs to be disturbed, and says that he wants to make waves. Pollak chews the scenery some more, and throws off his robe. Ed winces.
In the school hallway, Warren approaches Jessica, who says she thinks that Walden is pretty cool. Warren tells Jessica that he's going to "take to the woods," and he wants her to come with him. Jessica doesn't get it. Dude, look at her. This girl clearly spends many, many hours on her eye makeup alone. She is so not going to the woods. Warren lays out his plan for her, but Jessica passes, because she doesn't think her parents would go for it. Warren suggests she tell them that it's for school, and she walks off, saying she'll think about it. Donna (the plain girl in the group) walks up behind Warren and asks him if "Jessica Martell is what Henry David had in mind when he said, 'Simplify'?" Warren watches Donna walk off. I think he just had an impure thought, but I can't be sure.
Carol walks into the bowling alley, looking for Ed. She calls his name a few times and then finds him passed out on one of the lanes. Good thing there wasn't a fire nearby, or he would have pulled a Michael. Carol wants to call Mike, but Ed says that he's okay. He was trying to bowl fifty games without sleeping. Carol asks why, and Ed gestures to the journal. He reminds her of the Charity Bowl-A-Thon their senior year. Carol is starting to worry about him, and points out that most people go through a mid-life crisis, and he's going through a "one-third-life crisis." Ed says that he's not eighteen anymore, and Carol grabs his shoulder sympathetically. Ah, Ed. None of us are.
Pollak walks into school and gives Molly a bouquet of flowers. Don't they have any security at this school? He's allowed to roam the halls freely? Molly asks what he's doing here, and Pollak says that he had a great time the other night. Molly says that it was the best date she's ever had. Pollak announces that he's leaving town, because there's so much for him to do out there. Molly is shocked, because she thought that Pollak was going to ask her out again. Pollak says that he'd like to, but that he needs to "get out there and start doing everything." Molly asks him to drop her a postcard once in a while. Pollak doesn't think that kissing her goodbye in front of the students is a good idea, but he does it anyway. What the hell? They've already seen Carol serenaded by a knight in armor. What's a little kiss? Some cops show up to arrest Pollak for disturbing the peace. Pollak goes willingly, and Molly offers to call Ed for him. Molly sadly looks down at her flowers.
In the courtroom, the judge asks Ed whether he has anything to say on Pollak's behalf before a decision is rendered. Ed stands and gives us the lesson of the episode. Basically, Ed says that since life will end eventually everyway, some people just give up. Instead, Pollak lives deliberately (just like Thoreau, see!). For Pollak, living deliberately means doing everything. Ed doesn't know if his life system is right or wrong -- and notes that it should be refined so that he doesn't bowl naked -- but that he at least has a system. Ed points out that Pollak is leaving town tomorrow, and asks the judge to let him go. The judge says that he sympathizes with Pollak, but that he can't let the incidents go unpunished, so he sentences Pollak to one night in jail. Ed starts to protest, but Pollak says that he's never spent the night in jail, and that it might be exciting. Ed tells Pollak that he's incredible and shakes his hand goodbye. Is that the last we'll see of old Pollak?
Oh, God. Are the music editors trying to torture me? Did they know that I would be guest-recapping this episode? "I Don't Wanna Work" by, I believe, Todd Rundgren, is playing in the bowling alley as Phil hands out bowling shoes. As he hands out each pair, he tells Shirley that he just earned another "3.75 cents." The camera pans over to Mike and Ed, but not before passing by Kenny dressed up as a bowling shoe, trying to hawk shoes. Mike starts up a ten-dollar bet, but Ed says that he's not in the mood. Mike promises that it's a good one, and that it's "conceptual." Ed can't resist and tells Mike to go. Mike says, "Ten buck if you give me ten bucks." They exchange ten-dollar bills. Mike looks really pleased with himself. Ed thinks for a minute and then says, "Ten bucks if you give me twenty bucks." Mike looks confused, while Ed grins.
The gang is eating breakfast at the coffee shop. Molly says that she barely knew Pollak, but that she already misses him. Carol tries to comfort her by saying that it can't take that long to do everything. Nancy points out that Jeff the Calculus Teacher has just entered. Mike reminds the viewers that he's the guy Molly had a crush on. Nancy asks how he knew about that, and Mike deadpans, "I pick things up, sister." I don't know. Mike just cracks me up with the deadpan. Carol tells Molly to go ask him out, and Molly agrees. Carol looks a little stunned at how easy that was. Molly walks up to Jeff (and her boot heels echo on the floor) and greets him. Jeff is so Steve from Sex and the City that I'm having a hard time buying him in this character. And even if I can forget Steve, he's so the creepy copycat sniper from Homicide. Sorry. Those are my issues. Anyway, Molly asks whether he wants to go out sometime, and Jeff thinks that would be great. Molly gives him her number, which is not really asking him out, is it? Jeff grins like an idiot, but Molly doesn't look that happy that her crush just agreed to go out with her. Nancy and Carol hoot with joy. Molly starts to say something, but then looks outside, and says, "Oh my God! Look!"
The gang rushes outside into the snow to find Pollak riding down the street on a horse. Pollak says that he realized that he's never ridden off into the sunset before. Ed adds that he's sure there's a sunset out there somewhere. Pollak tips his cowboy hat to Molly and rides off.
Ed's alarm clock goes off at 5 AM. He gets out of bed and drives to Mt. Precipice as Neil Young's "Long May You Run" plays on the soundtrack. Aw. This guy I knew in college used to sit on top of his hippie van that had been painted by all his friends and play guitar and sing this song, and dedicate it to his van. He loved that van. I'm all nostalgic like Ed over here. Anyway, speaking of Ed, he runs up the mountain with a backpack on. He reaches the top of the mountain with much huffing and puffing, and enjoys the view. He checks his watch, and starts to look disappointed, but then notices the view again, and smiles. He sits on a rock and pulls some water out of his backpack. Then, he pulls out Pollak's book, before hearing someone yell, "Ed, my good man!" It's Warren, wearing long underwear under a flannel shirt. Warren scampers out of a tent and up the hill to where Ed is sitting. Ed reveals that he was thirty-seven minutes slower than his old time. Warren quotes some more Walden, and I hope after this episode that I never have to hear it again. I'm sorry if you like Thoreau, but you can always go read the book again, I guess. ["But why would you, when you need to use that time to Live Deliberately! Whatever." -- Wing Chun] They enjoy the view. Warren offers Ed a Lifesaver. Just then, Donna comes out of the tent and tells Warren that breakfast is ready. Woo, Warren! You go, dawg! She's all cute in a stocking cap and sweater. Warren hands Ed his copy of Walden and says, "Trust me, Ed. Simplify. Simplify." Warren joins Donna and invites Ed for breakfast, but Ed declines. Ed looks at the two books in his hand, saying out loud, "Simplify. Simplify. Do everything." What will Ed do? I don't see why the two philosophies are necessarily opposite -- it's not like Pollak said, "Buy everything." But maybe that's just me.