Previously on Ed: this little ho' bag by the name of Bonnie Hane came to town and antagonized our hero and personal savior, Ed. Then she started flirting with him. Seeing as Ed hasn't been laid since his ex-wife developed a sudden interest in the U.S. Postal Service -- and more importantly, its carriers -- Ed began flirting back. They kissed. They had the sex thang. Bonnie then gave Ed the cold shoulder so Ed decided he wouldn't have anything else to do with her. Then she warmed back up to him, and like a big dumb dog, Ed dove back in for more punishment. Carol admitted that she's jealous of Ed and Bonnie, which was a really stupid thing for her to say because now she's halfway committed to being there when Bonnie dumps Ed again which is bound to happen because, as I stated earlier, Bonnie Hane is a ho' bag.
Are we all caught up now?? Good. Let's proceed to this week.
At the bowling alley, Ed and Bonnie are at the shoe rental counter, all happy and cute and earning about a 9.8 on the old Uncle Bob Sickeningly Sweet Vomit Meter. A man comes up to the counter to rent a pair of shoes, and Bonnie wants to be the one to spray them with disinfectant. THAT, my friend, is true love. She sprays them and then says, seductively, "Fresh as a mountain breeze." You can tell Ed wants to jump her bones like a wolverine, but he shows restraint. A big, loud, obnoxious fellow walks in. He looks suspiciously like famed TV and movie actor John Goodman, but everyone calls him Big Rudy. He's slapping hands, and greeting everyone by name. As it turns out, Big Rudy is the guy that Ed bought the bowling alley from all those weeks ago. He seems like a logical choice for Stuckey Bowl owner as he's about as eccentric as your average Stuckey Bowl employee. He calls Ed his esteemed successor as the captain of this creeky old schooner we call the Stuckey Bowl. He calls Kenny a big Steakasaurus (one of my all-time personal favorite dinosaurs) and asks him if he ever finished writing his novel. Kenny admits he's stuck on chapter eight. Big Rudy's eyes meet Shirley's and he shakes her hand grudgingly. He greets her and she greets him with a "Rudolph." The sexual tension is thicker than Hugh Hefner's penis. Phil quietly clues Ed in on the tension with, "There's a long and complicated history between those two." Rudy announces that he's buying drinks for the house. Ed, feeling his testosterone level drop off the charts, offers to spring for the beer nuts, as we run smack dab into the opening credits.
And some commercials. Michael J. Fox is peddling Gateway Computers now. I'm sure that was his plan all along...quit a successful sitcom...start hawking shitty computers. It's like every success story ever told in reverse. he'll be dragging vacuum cleaners door-to-door and finally flipping burgers at Burger Hut. And please...no hate mail on the Gateways if you don't mind. I'm sure there're PLENTY of you out there with Gateways that have never had a problem. I had several. Now I have a Compaq. No problems.
Back from commercials, Nancy introduces Molly and Carol to the group of bonafide dorks in Nancy's den that she refers to as her "book club." El Dorko #1, a rugged looking geek by the name of Jeff, tells Molly and Carol that before they can officially join the club, they have to answer a question designed to test their basic literary knowledge: "What's the first line of Moby Dick? Carol blurts out, "Call me Ishmael." Jeff says "Okay Ishmael...what's the first line of Moby Dick?" I laughed my ass off and then poked myself in the eye with a fork to calm myself back down. Molly gives Jeff a look like, "I might like you better if we slept together."
Back at the bowling alley, Ed's still at the shoe-rental counter when a customer walks up bitching about how when Big Rudy owned Stuckey Bowl, if you bowled over 250, you won a free pack of smokes. He then says smugly, "I just bowled 253," like he should be on the cover of Sports Illustrated or something. Ed, always aiming to please, tells Shirley to "get this nice gentleman a pack of cigarettes please." Shirley gets lost in a quick daydream, counting how many times Big Rudy would utter that exact same sentence to her, and moments later, find himself on the receiving end of a tasty hummer in the broom closet, compliments of the Shirley Machine.
A young lass with a somewhat hippie look about her approaches Ed. Her name is Amanda Bays and she's the lead singer of The Solids, the local band with such memorable classics as "You Never Wrote Those Songs, Bitch," "You're Out Of The Band," and "Don't Try And Sue Us (We'll See You In Court)." She wants to sue her bandmates because they've kicked her out of the band and they're playing the songs that she says she wrote. Plus, they might think she's a bitch. As it turns out, The Solids have a chance at a record deal, but only if they dump Amanda first. The music industry is a cold, cold bitch, people. All Amanda wants is for the band to quit playing her songs because, dammit, they're HER songs. I'm no fancy Stuckeyville lawyer, but that sounds fair to me. Ed asks her if she can prove that she wrote all the songs and she says she can -- they're all scribbled down in a notebook...IN BLOOD!!!
Okay...it wasn't really in blood. But it would have been cool if she had said that. I think I probably woulda gotten a pee shiver over it.
Ed tells her to get the notebook and then announces that he's pretty sure he can beat the living dog shit out of her former bandmates in a court of law and agrees to take her case. They grope on it. Which -- once again -- wouldn't it be cool if instead of "shaking" hands on a deal, we "groped" on it? If it's someone you're not particularly attracted to, you could ruffle their hair or something to seal a deal. But if you found them appealing, you could, like, grab a chunk o' butt or something.
I'm rambling, aren't I?
Through the miracles of modern-day technology, Ed arrives in the offices of Ms. Bonnie Hane. He bursts into her office and begins babbling in a Law & Order-intro monotone that I thought was kinda witty myself about how her day is broken up into two categories: prosecuting and having lunch. He asks her to lunch. She giggles like a little schoolgirl and they're off. They're walking down the street and Ed is positively giddy because he's finally emptied the sperm ducts out of the old scrotal sac area with an actual female. Ed asks her to ride piggyback on his back. Bonnie refuses because she's a bitch. Ed pushes it; he really wants her on his back. It's the early part of their relationship and he believes they should be frolicking and romping. Bonnie says she's not a fan of public affection, which is like saying Timothy McVeigh wasn't a fan of the government. Ed is shocked that she won't ride piggyback on him and taunts her with phrases like, "What...you think I can't lift you?" and, "Are you feeling unwieldy?" Bonnie finally agrees and the happy young couple piggyback down the street.
Unbeknownst to the goofy twosome, Molly and Carol are walking towards them. Molly is prattling on about the "Call Me Ishmael" guy from the Book Club the night. Carol prods Molly into admitting she has a bad case of the hornies for Jeff. Molly admits it and Carol says, "Looks like love is in the air for Molly Hudson," which makes Molly beam. All of a sudden, Carol sees Ed and Bonnie coming towards them, and Carol forces Molly to turn around and they walk briskly down the street to avoid crossing Ed's path.
Ed sees them from behind and knows it's Carol and Molly because when you look at the two of them side-by-side from behind they look like the number "10."
Back at Stuckey Bowl, Amanda Bays is giving an unplugged set of her greatest hits to a small crowd consisting of Kenny, Shirley, and Phil. In what is one of the more hilarious sight gags in the history of the show, Kenny has a single tear running down his cheek as he listens to the song. Phil looks as if he's in love, and Shirley looks like Dawn Wiener's older sister from Welcome To The Dollhouse. Ed asks Amanda the name of the song. It's "Watching Him Go," a little ditty she fired off when her boyfriend Gideon left her. Kenny chimes in with, "Some of the most powerful art has been born out of heartache." Ed notices Kenny's tear and is taken aback but is polite enough to not point out that Kenny's a Wussosaurus. Ed asks Amanda if she has her notebook. Nope. She can't find it. Even though I know it does no good, I mumble "Fuckin' liar" at the television in a venom-drenched voice. She's there to tell Ed that the Solids will be playing LIVE at the Smiling Goat with their new lead singer that evening. Ed, a big fan of wuss rock, says he'll be there and try to talk some sense into the band.
Ed walks away and runs into Big Rudy. Rudy wants to bend Ed's ear about something. Ed, always open for a little bending of the ear, agrees to listen. As it turns out, Big Rudy wants to buy back Stuckey Bowl. He's heard how great it's doing now that Ed put a little elbow grease into the place, done some renovations, and generated some interest in the former hellhole. Even the lawyer gimmick, which Big Rudy doesn't exactly "get," seems to have caught on with the citizens of Stuckeyville. Ed's flattered that the word on the street about Stuckeyville is a positive one. But there's a reason the Rudy Man is being so complimentary...he wants to buy the business back. Ed, borrowing a line from used car salesman Dick Knight, says, "I'm not selling it." Rudy offers him ten percent more than what Ed paid for it. I dunno about you, but I woulda sold it in a heartbeat at that point. Then again, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Ed turns him down flat. I moan and say, "Doh!" as I stare at Ed and wonder how one man can be so stupid. Then I poke myself in the eye with a fork, bellow like a wounded bear, and continue watching. Rudy is amazed at Ed's stupidity as well, and ups the offer to fifteen percent, reminding Ed that he will be "farting through silk" with that kinda cash on hand. I'm sweating bullets as I await Ed's response, which is a slightly amused "no." Rudy assures Ed that he will come around to the offer and he walks away. Ed runs into Phil, who's pissed because when Big Rudy owned the place, he never made Phil mop the floor. Ed reminds Phil that when Big Rudy was running the place, it was a dump. "Hey! Don't count your chickens," Phil says. Ed is dumbfounded and asks, "How does that even apply?" and Phil, without turning around, shrugs like he knows something we don't. Could Phil be masterminding the buyout of Stuckey Bowl?? Stranger things have happened in Stuckeyville, my friend.
Carol's walking out of school, and like clockwork, there's Ed. Ed mentions to Carol that he saw her and Molly walking towards the pie shop and watched them turn around. Ed thinks she's uncomfortable around him and Bonnie when they're together. Hey Ed, I've got two words for ya: duh-uh. She admitted last week that she was jealous of you two being together. Cut her some slack, huh?? Naturally, Carol panics when this is mentioned. Ed decides to go one better and ask her to come to dinner with him and Bonnie. He says they can all have a few drinks and put this behind them. Then he decides to goad her into attending the Bonnie and Ed Smooch Fest '01 by saying, "Come onnnnnnnn," over and over again. He draws the phrase out longer and more annoyingly each time he says it. Carol finally remarks, "Bonnie is a very fortunate woman."
Inside the Smiling Goat, Ed and Mike are tossing back a few cool ones without the constant urge to scream "WASSAAAP?!?!" at each other every few seconds which proves that there are still men out there who don't need to act like total idiots while indulging in alcoholic beverages.
Or maybe I spoke too soon.
Hillary Sanders walks in the door. She happens to be a girl from their high school days. Ed senses the scenario for a humiliating scene and bets Mike ten bucks that he won't speak to Hillary in a British accent. Hillary greets both men and Mike greets her with a pretty decent British accent saying, "'Ello 'Illary." As Mike tells her the story of his life so far, you can tell Hillary looks like she's holding a conversation with Hannibal Lechter. There's fear in them there eyes. She excuses herself and hauls ass away from Mike as quickly as possible.
An old man rings a dinner bell to get everyone's attention and introduces The Solids. They've hired a skanky tramp who looks strung out on something to sing. She has a voice like a bird...a buzzard. After the first set, which thankfully, we don't have to sit through, Ed approaches the band members at the bar. He congratulates them on a great set and introduces himself as Amanda's lawyer. The female guitarist can't believe that Amanda's suing the band because they kicked her out. The male guitarist can't believe their good fortune: this is something straight out of Behind the Music...you know...local edition. Ed says they don't have to play with Amanda, but they can't play her songs. The female guitarist says that Ed needs to take all this up with the band's manager and hands Ed his card. Ed decides to pay the guy a visit.
Carol shows up at Nancy's house a little late while Molly is already sitting at the table wolfing down a tumbler full of wine. Nancy welcomes Carol to Fondue Fest 2000, and Molly corrects Nancy over the actual year that we're currently residing in. Carol invites Molly to have dinner with Ed and Bonnie. She has sixty tests to grade and can't do it. Carol says she can't do it alone. The doorbell rings and Nancy says it must be Jeff, the "Ishmael" guy who left his backpack at the house. Sure enough, Nancy gives the Amazing Kreskin a run for his money...it's Jeff. He apologizes for being a class-A moron, Nancy tells him to think nothing of it, and he's already a step ahead of her in thinking nothing of it. Nancy gets a wild hair up her ass and wants to ask Jeff something. Molly and Carol are huddled around the fondue pot, scarfing down fondue like it was ummmm...fondue, I guess. Nancy and Jeff enter the room and Molly starts blushing when she greets Jeff. Y'know...she's a real cutie, that Molly. You can tell that she's lactating as soon as the guy walks into the room. Nancy tells Carol that she's solved her problem with the whole "Third Wheel on the Ed and Bonnie Date" problem. She's asked Jeff to accompany her on the date and he's agreed. Molly looks like she just swallowed a live eel. She looks like a female George Costanza, trying valiantly to shrug off this latest attack on her self-esteem...losing the one guy who she's admitted to having a crush on to her buddy, the gorgeous ex-cheerleader, Carol Vessey. I say it's just a matter of time before the writers of Ed have Molly climb a clock tower with an Uzi and start taking out every skinny blonde in sight.
Hey...whadda ya know?? Commercials. Jared has kept the weight off thanks to Subway. Y'know, this guy is getting more TV time than Regis Philbin lately. I am anticipating a huge Jared backlash soon with people throwing shit at him wherever he goes. Hey. It happened to O.J. It could happen to Subway Boy too.
Back to the show. Ed's walking down the street and arrives at a pet store. He checks the business card of The Solids manager one more time, realizes he's in the right place, and enters the building. There's a Quasimodo look-alike staring at a lizard in an aquarium, and the guy behind the counter is politely telling the guy to step away from the lizard cage; it's an $80 lizard and doesn't need the humpback's company. Ed asks if the guy is Jody Hasler. Yeah, it's him. Ed asks if he's the manager of The Solids and Jody says yeah, he books them. They'll play anything but bat mitzvahs. They'll do bar...but not bat. You have to draw the line somewhere, he explains. Jody tells the bell ringer to stay away from the lizard. Ed tells Jody who he is and that he's representing Amanda, and The Solids must learn new songs if they ever want to make it in the music world. Jody says now is not the time to be learning new songs with Bruce Bazzuti coming to town. "Who's Bruce Bazzuti?" Ed asks. Why, he's the brother of Ben Bazzuti. "Who's Ben Bazzuti?" Ben is the Vice-President of Marketing at Sun Coast Records. At this point, Jody snaps and tells Quasimodo that he just bought an $80 lizard because the guy won't quit staring at the lizard. Jody excuses himself and Ed leaves.
Back at the bowling alley, people are running out of the place at an alarming rate. Ed wanders in and sees ferrets scampering everywhere. He asks Phil, "What the hell are these things?" Phil responds, "I'm thinking ferrets." Ed looks around and sees Big Rudy sitting at the counter and watching everyone run from the ferrets. Ed accuses Big Rudy of trying to sabotage his bowling alley with ferrets. Big Rudy says that he should be offended but he's not because he knows how stressful it is to own a bowling alley. Big Rudy leaves and tells him to have a pleasant afternoon. Yeah. Cleaning up ferret shit equals a pleasant afternoon in my book.
In the courtroom, Ed is asking Amanda Bays about the repertoire of The Solids, specifically how many of the songs that the band performs were written by her. Amanda says all of them. Alone. All by herself. Ed asks her to produce the notebook to prove these allegations. Well...damned if Amanda STILL hasn't found the notebook. How long has she had now? Twenty minutes to find this thing?? As it turns out, Amanda left the notebook in the band's practice room. She gets kicked out of the band, she turns around to sue the pants off the band, and her notebook turns up missing. Ed finds this interesting. When the female guitarist gets on the stand, she has a totally different recollection of how the songs were written. She says that she and Amanda wrote the songs together. She wrote the melody and most of the lyrics, and Amanda wrote the bridge. This, according to the band's lawyer, qualifies the two as a songwriting team. Kinda like Lennon and McCartney, except these two suck sloppy moose balls.
Carol shows up at the swanky Stuckeyville bistro, ready for her rendezvous with Ed and Bonnie. She spots Bonnie at the bar, approaches her and they do that fake female hug thing that tells the audience, "Wait a second...these two like each other." Wrong. These two get along like Saddam and George Dubya. Don't let a little hug fool you, grasshopper. Carol mentions that she likes Bonnie's necklace. It's...pearly. Bonnie's wearing a pearl necklace. I'd go into detail on why I think the fact that Bonnie's wearing a pearl necklace is so funny, but I've corrupted enough minds over the last several years. God knows if you don't get the humor in that, you're not getting it outta me. Ed walks up just as they are getting past the pearl necklace remark and asks Carol if Molly will be joining them. Carol says no, Molly's at home drowning her sorrows in a bottle of cheap wine, a box of caramel flavored bonbons, and her worn out video copy of Sleepless in Seattle.
Tonight, ladies and gents, Carol has an official date. That's Jeff's cue to walk in and totally screw things up. He immediately starts acting like he and Carol have been dating for months, calling her "hon" and kissing her, acting like a total dweeb. At dinner, he tells a fake story about how he and Carol went shopping for a Mercedes and during a test drive, Carol was so frightened, she was only driving 5 mph down the street. It's really kind of amusing, because Jeff really has no clue about the relationship between Ed and Carol, and thinks that his sole purpose at the table is to make Ed jealous of their "relationship." Carol asks Jeff to come talk to her for a second, so they get up from the table where she explains that he's really making a total ass of himself. Ed mentions to Bonnie that he thinks Carol's dating a grifter. Not a particularly decent grifter, but a grifter nevertheless.
Bonnie has something to tell Ed. A few months ago, she applied for a courtship for an amazing judge, and she got it. He's a federal judge in Washington. Ed's impressed until he realizes that – hey, wait a second -- they're a thousand miles from Washington. The sad news is Bonnie HAS to leave this weekend. "So this is it?" Ed asks. Bonnie is afraid so. Ed asks when she heard about the promotion. Bonnie hesitates and then says, "A month ago." Ouch. So, the entire time she was wrapping Ed around her little finger, she knew she would be leaving town soon. Double ouch. Ed's not impressed with Bonnie's particular brand of skullduggery and it shows on his face. He could have avoided the heartache if she had just been straight up with him. Christ. I'm starting to sound like a Britney Spears song over here.
Meanwhile, Jeff's totally freaking out with Carol because Nancy told him specifically that this date was "not a date." Jeff misunderstood the situation and was under the impression that he was to portray a hotshot playboy squiring the lovely Miss Vessey. Carol starts laughing and they share a decent little chuckle over the whole mess. They start to walk back to the table to explain Jeff's insanity, and see that Ed and Bonnie are engaged in a rather heated argument. So they hit the bar instead.
As usual, Bonnie and Ed are fighting. Ed is chastising Bonnie for sucking him into her world when she knew she'd only break his heart, and Bonnie is laughing a seductive, evil laugh while licking her demon lips. Actually, Bonnie says she didn't know it would turn out this way between them. Ed says it's typical Bonnie Hane behavior and Bonnie says, "If that's how you feel." Ed reiterates that's how he feels. Bonnie leaves. Ed gets up to leave and sees Carol and Jeff yukking it up at the bar. Jeez. He pretty much trashed his relationship with Carol to pursue Bonnie, only to have Bonnie break his heart so that when he's ready to turn to Carol for solace, BAM!!! Carol's got some new eccentric young stud to keep her company. Irony, baby. It's a cruel, cruel fact of life. Ed leaves the bar to the sounds of Carol and Jeff hooting away.
Commercials. God bless commercials. They give me a chance to fine tune my sloppy notes on the show, plus retrieve a tall, cool beverage. Thank you Mr. Commercial Guy.
Back to Jeff and Carol, now walking down the street. Jeff's beating the crap out of himself for calling Carol "hon." He can't believe he did it and tells Carol that he's going to move to Tibet and become one of those monks that Richard Gere is talking to. He must mean the monks that carry gerbils in their pockets, but he doesn't specify this fact. Carol thinks it was kinda cute how he called her "hon," and they share a few nice moments on the street. Carol says she had a great time tonight and Jeff pushes for another date. Carol, showing a moment of clarity, says that as much as she'd like to go out with him again, she has to tell him something about Molly. Jeff resists saying, "Molly? The fat girl from the book club??" and just sticks with, "Molly?" Carol tells Jeff that Molly thinks he's really cute, which takes Jeff aback. Carol, satisfied that she has sold out her best friend, tries to get Jeff to give Molly a call, telling him, "She's amazing." I throw out the old Fortune Cookie joke by finishing up her sentence with "...In Bed!!" and then slapping my knee with laughter until it bruises slightly.
In the courthouse, Ed's slinking down the hall like a wounded man who just saw his own heart ripped from his chest and eaten by a rabid wolverine, when Bonnie walks up. She says hi to Ed and Ed is very curt with her. She says that he's fallen off the face of the earth lately, and he's nonchalant about his sudden fall from earth. She's called him ten times to apologize. Ed excuses himself to get back to court. Bonnie follows him, poking him with pointy little verbal daggers. They get into an argument over her taking the job. He's not going to ask her to stay because he knows she won't. She asks if he even considered asking her to stay, and he says no because she wouldn't. This goes on for what seems to be an eternity, and Ed finally loses it. He tells her, "Good luck with your new job, good luck in Washington, good luck with your life, and I hope you become President of the Universe someday because that's all you want anyway."
Ouch! Ed, quickly now: grope between your legs for me. Because I think you may have just grown a set of balls, young man.
Bonnie, whose arsenal of snide comebacks must have reached critical stage, retaliates with, "You can be mean," and walks away. Had she followed up that statement with, "And you're a man with piercing blue eyes," it may have been the absolute worst comeback of all time.
In court, a freak on the stand is being asked what is his relationship to Carrie Thomas. He says she's his lady, because he realizes he's in court and, "She's my bitch" may not have flown as well in front of a predominantly female jury. He says that Carrie wrote the song "Watching Him Go" for him because he has curly brown hair and the lyrics mention curly brown hair. It's Ed's turn. Ed brings up the fact that in the lyrics her soul retracts from "his steely gaze." So Ed wants to see the cat's steely gaze. The guy sighs and gives Ed a typical stoner look. Ed says it's not steely enough for him, and asks if anyone's soul retracted from the guy's gaze. Luckily, no souls have been retracted. The public defendant says this is ridiculous. Ed agrees and says that it's ridiculous to think that just because this guy has brown hair it means that Carrie wrote the song. Good point, Matlock.
Molly's walking down the street when Carol flies out of the pie shop to tell her all about the date with the guy that Molly's puddlin' for. Carol reiterates that NOTHING HAPPENED, so that Molly won't come after her à la Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. In fact, Carol tells Molly that they talked about her and that the Jeff door is wide open and maybe Molly should give him a shot. Molly says she prefers the "coy" route when it comes to asking men out. On a side note, Molly has dyed her hair so orange that the only other television personality whose hairstyle it could possibly be compared to is Bozo. She looks like Bozo, people. Molly, do us all a favor -- go back to brunette. Jeff is never going to feel completely comfortable sitting across a candlelight dinner from a clown.
At the bowling alley, Ed is installing security cameras with Phil's help. This way, the time Big Rudy tries to sabotage the bowling alley with ferrets, deadly venomous rattlesnakes, or werewolves, the whole thing will be caught on tape and Ed will be able to ruin Big Rudy in a court of law. Carol walks in and asks if they're beefing up bowling alley security. Duh, you insensitive witch...I think that's what security cameras are for. Phil turns around, looks at Carol, and says "Whoa! You look great. Did you sneak off somewhere and get some work done?" Carol doesn't know whether to be offended or aroused and opts for neither while answering him with a "no." Stubby gives her a look that screams "Phil Stubbs' Love-Atorium is now open for business." Carol doesn't even humor him with a glance.
As Ed and Carol walk to his office, she asks what happened to him and Bonnie the other night. The night Bonnie broke his heart. You remember...right? I recapped it about a page ago. Ed says a thing happened and leaves it at that, but he wants to know about Carol's new "boyfriend." Carol shoots down any possibilities of a steamy hot Stuckeyville rumor by saying he's just a guy from Nancy's book club, and why is she getting the third degree from Ed when he has a girlfriend. Ed says he won't have a "girlfriend" for long because Bonnie's leaving town. Carol looks like Ed McMahon just showed up at her doorstep with a million dollar check and half a bottle of Dewar's. She's happy, let's put it that way. She says "good for her." Ed repeats the phrase sarcastically. Carol senses his despair and says that if Ed really liked the woman, he wouldn't let her go without a fight. If she recalls, he showed up in her classroom wearing a suit of armor, he made her a goofy rock video, and he even hired a skywriter to send her a love message. Edward J. Stevens FIGHTS for his femme fatales, baby...so why is he stopping now? Ed stands there, letting those words soak into his skin like sulfuric acid. Maybe...just maybe...it's time Ed got off his ass and fought for the woman he loves.
An outside shot of the bowling alley clues us in to the fact that it's now after hours at the hub of Stuckeyville's entertainment. Phil's walking through a darkened room. Big Rudy is waiting for him. Rudy's glad that he showed up. Phil says that curiosity is a tempting mistress. They begin walking around. Big Rudy is buttering Phil up like a hot ear of corn, telling him that while others are content to sleepwalk through life, Phil rocks the house. Big Rudy asks if Ed is giving Phil a piece of the action, a share in the business. Phil says no. Rudy says that Ed should be because Phil is full of fantastic ideas. Phil says that while Rudy owned the place, he never offered Phil a piece of the business. Rudy says that's because he was as blind as a one-eyed maggot. What it boils down to is that Rudy wants the bowling alley back, but he needs someone on the inside to help bring Ed down. He thinks that Phil is the one to help him in his quest. When he owns the alley, Phil will have a corner office and a piece of the pie. Phil weighs his options: stay faithful to Ed and never advance, or help Big Rudy put Ed out of business permanently. Big Rudy brings up the fact that a guy like Phil has no business handing out bowling shoes for the rest of his life. Phil thinks for a second and says, "Ed will just have to understand...this is business. What do you need me to do?" Rudy grins and says, "Now you're thinking smart." They shake on it, and I'm left, sitting in my recliner, surrounded by cold popcorn that flew out of my bowl after this sudden turn of events. As of this very moment, the Phil Stubbs Phan Clubbs is officially out of business. I cannot condone his heinous actions. My hero is dead. R.I.P. you goofy bastard.
Hey!! Commercials!!
Shirley walks into Ed's office with a videotape, saying there's something that happened on the security camera that Ed needs to see. Shirley is a rat!! She's a rat fink!! She's finking on the Stubber and Big Rudy!! You go girl!!! Normally, I won't pat a ratfink on the back, but in this case, you bring 'em down, Shirl!!
Wait just a damned minute here. Shirley ain't ratting anyone out. The video is of Kenny, who managed to stand motionless at the shoe-rental counter for five hours. They fast-forward through the video and sure enough...Kenny's just standing there while the world goes on around him. "He's so talented," Shirley swoons.
Now wait a second here. I always detected a little sexual chemistry between Shirley and Kenny. It's been pointed out that Shirley and Rudy have a sexual past between them. And last week, she took El Loserino Chuck under her wing in order to show him the ins and outs of how to please a meek and quiet woman. Ladies and gents...could our mild-mannered bowling alley employee be the Heidi Fleiss of Stuckeyville, using her own body for pleasuring the animal instincts of the male citizens of our fine little burg?
....Nahhhhh.
Back in court, it's closing arguments time. Amanda has no evidence that she wrote all the songs herself and if she can't prove that she wrote them, she shouldn't win the case. Meanwhile, Bonnie slithers into the courtroom, hissing quietly and darting her forked tongue in and out of her mouth. Ed stands up and makes a speech about loyalties. Amanda didn't just start The Solids...she IS The Solids. And just because a pet store employee waved a one in a million chance at a record contract, the band turned their backs on Amanda. It's just not right. Wow Ed. Great defense. Sheesh. How much do you charge for that shit??
The judge makes his ruling. Since Amanda can't prove she wrote the songs, the band can continue playing them. Case dismissed. Mr. Stevens, you're an idiot.
We jump over to Bonnie's humble abode where Ed and Mike are hiding in the bushes. Ed is dressed up like a retarded superhero with a giant "S" plastered on his chest and a sign saying "Don't Leave." Yes, this is Ed's feeble attempt at trying to win Bonnie over so that she'll stay in Stuckeyville. Mike is having second thoughts on Ed's outfit. The suit of armor was romantic. This? Not so much. Ed tries to explain the concept. He's Captain Stuckeyville. He wants her to stay in Stuckeyville and he's...Captain Stuckeyville. It makes perfect sense to Ed. Bonnie walks up the sidewalk. Ed gets a bit nervous and tells Mike to shoot off the fireworks ten seconds after he approaches her. Ed watches her walk to her door and realizes he can't approach her. He can't ask her to stay because he knows how much she wants to go. That Ed. Dammit all to hell. He may have had a fleeting moment of meanness early on, but dammit, deep down, that lawyer's got a heart of gold. I hop up from my recliner, give my TV a nice hug, brush some popcorn off my seat, and plop back down in the chair to enjoy the thrilling conclusion of Ed.
Thrilling my ass. Back in the alley, Ed and Amanda are eating nasty-assed snack bar food and talking about losing the case. Gee willikers Ed, it's called EVIDENCE. You need it in a case like this, you bubble-headed buffoon. Ed asks if Amanda is going to start another band. She thinks she's going it solo. Just then The Solids walk up. They want Amanda back in the band. After some soul searching, they realize what they did was wrong and that they need Amanda to make it big. Amanda asks what happened to her replacement. Weeeeell...that's a long story we'll make short here: she got a better gig playing for a better band than The Solids. Ahhh...humility. Served best while piping hot. Amanda points out that this isn't an apology, they just need her to get the record contract. Carrie says that's not it. Amanda is the heart and soul of The Solids, dammit, and they WANT her back. So how about it, Amanda...come on back to The Solids and rock the casbah and get that big record deal??? As I sit on the edge of my seat, waiting with baited breath and picking a worm out of my molars (Baited breath?? Worm in my molars?? God...I slay me!), Amanda turns The Solids down hard. Ouch. You're screwed, Solids. Good luck in Tinseltown you buncha tone-deaf idiots.
Bonnie shows up at Ed's house. He lets her in. I saw on Salem's Lot that when you invite a blood-sucking vampire into your home, they can pretty much chow down on your dumb ass. I shield my eyes, waiting for the jugulars to flow freely. Alas, Bonnie keeps her fangs to herself. She does mention that it's her last night in town. Ed realizes this without even having to check a calendar. She says that she saw him in court today and he did a decent job for not having a shred of evidence in his favor. Ed says it's too bad that people don't know how to be loyal anymore. Bonnie takes that as a dig against her, but Ed says it's not. He wants her to stay but he couldn't let her stay even if she offered because if she stayed and turned down the job to stay with him, she'd end up resenting him. So there's no other choice.
She says she's sorry that they'll never know what woulda happened between them. Ed says that statistics prove most relationships don't last so they're saving themselves a whole lot of heartache down the road. "Still," Bonnie says, "I'm glad it was you that got me back on the horse." OHMIGOD!! She's strung out on heroin and Ed is the one who drove her to it!! She's a smack goddess!! She's riding the H train, petting the white horse, passing out in a puddle of her own sick!! Ed thanks her for getting him back on the horse, too. OH SWEET JEEBUS!! You mean to tell me that Ed's a horsehead, too?? I mean...c'mon...I could accept the two of them sharing a joint now and then...but HEROIN?!?
Oh. Wait. She meant getting back on the horse as far as getting involved again with people in a relationship. My bad.
Bonnie says she has to go. She says, "Goodbye Ed Stevens," and my heart melts. Ed says, "Goodbye Bonnie Hane," and dammit dammit dammit...I have tears welling up in my eyes. Okay, maybe Bonnie is a bitch, a black widow, a whore amongst whores, an evil skank, and Satan's slut. But my boy Ed REALLY likes this gal, and I think that's going to have to be enough for me to bend the rules here and say...don't go Bonnie. Ed needs your ass.
Before I can say it, Ed and Bonnie are macking like a couple of fifteen-year-old virgins behind a curtain at the school dance. I'm glad that on their last night together, they could put aside their differences to engage in a little Jamaican tongue wrestling.
Back at the alley. Christ, how many times have I typed in those four words today? Rudy is rigging one of the ball returners so it will cause "a little accident" to befall one of Ed's customers while that evil bastard Phil watches and cheers on Rudy's every evil action. Rudy has quintupled the speed of the ball return, so that when it comes back, it may shoot off the track and smash somebody's foot. With a lawsuit like that, there's no WAY that Ed can stay in business. Phil begins laughing maniacally, pointing a flashlight under his chin to give off some pretty frightening vibes. Rudy asks him what he's doing and Phil says he thought it was about time for a fake evil laugh. Rudy ponders actually getting Phil involved with this scam. Just then, Ed walks in saying, "Phil, what possible reason could you have for calling me down here at 2 AM?"
Phil, in what has to be one of his coolest moments ever on the show, turns the tables on Rudy. "Ed," he says, pointing an accusing finger at Rudy, "This is the man responsible for the sabotage of one Stuckey Bowl bowling center." Rudy is shocked. Phil continues, "That's right Rudy, I've captured every moment of it on security cameras. You, sir, have been served up like trout on a sterling silver platter." Rudy's hurt and says, "I trusted you." Phil, borrowing a line from The Godfather says, "You made a classic mistake, sir. You tried to get me to take sides against the family. Now, let's get his most heinous act committed to videotape." Ed takes Rudy aside and says that if he does one more thing to sabotage Stuckey Bowl, Ed will press charges against him. Rudy says "okay" and goes to leave. Phil rolls a ball down the alley, explaining to Ed exactly what Rudy had done by quintupling the speed of the...all of a sudden the ball comes flying out of the chute, heading straight for Ed's head. Ed ducks and the ball goes sailing through his office window. Ed and Phil stare at the broken window. "Was that absolutely necessary?" Ed asks. "I think so," Phil lies.
Musical montage time. Ed and Bonnie are lifting a table onto a moving van. Nancy gives Carol a drink at her book club meeting, and Carol and Nancy walk away, leaving Jeff and Molly alone to talk and flirt. The Solids are playing their gig with Carrie looking terrified as she sings lead for the brother of the marketing guy at the record company who looks less than enthused about the band. Ed and Bonnie share a deep kiss after she's all loaded up, and the camera zooms in on Bonnie as she gives us a look that says, "Am I doing the right thing?" My heart melts even more for this woman. Phil is mopping at the bowling alley, then starts dancing with his mop as if he were Fred Astaire and his mop was a mop. Meanwhile, Kenny and Shirley are watching him act like an idiot on the security cam and sharing a giggle. And as Bonnie pulls away on the cold winter's day, Ed's left standing on the sidewalk with his hand raised in a silent wave and a few tears in his eyes as the show ends.
Dammit. I finally cozied up to Bonnie and she's gone. I finally turned my back on Phil and he redeems himself. I finally think Ed's being a horse's ass, and it turns out he was just hurt.
This was a great episode. Damned good episode. I had a feeling that once Bonnie was gone the show might pick up again and it has. That's not to say that I think Bonnie will remain gone. Please. Bonnie Hane will be back. I know she'll be back.
...I hope she'll be back.
Keee-rist I'm such a sap for a good romance.