Previously on Ed: this little ho' bag by the name of Bonnie Hane came to town and antagonized our hero and personal savior, Ed. Then she started flirting with him. Seeing as Ed hasn't been laid since his ex-wife developed a sudden interest in the U.S. Postal Service -- and more importantly, its carriers -- Ed began flirting back. They kissed. They had the sex thang. Bonnie then gave Ed the cold shoulder so Ed decided he wouldn't have anything else to do with her. Then she warmed back up to him, and like a big dumb dog, Ed dove back in for more punishment. Carol admitted that she's jealous of Ed and Bonnie, which was a really stupid thing for her to say because now she's halfway committed to being there when Bonnie dumps Ed again which is bound to happen because, as I stated earlier, Bonnie Hane is a ho' bag.
Are we all caught up now?? Good. Let's proceed to this week.
At the bowling alley, Ed and Bonnie are at the shoe rental counter, all happy and cute and earning about a 9.8 on the old Uncle Bob Sickeningly Sweet Vomit Meter. A man comes up to the counter to rent a pair of shoes, and Bonnie wants to be the one to spray them with disinfectant. THAT, my friend, is true love. She sprays them and then says, seductively, "Fresh as a mountain breeze." You can tell Ed wants to jump her bones like a wolverine, but he shows restraint. A big, loud, obnoxious fellow walks in. He looks suspiciously like famed TV and movie actor John Goodman, but everyone calls him Big Rudy. He's slapping hands, and greeting everyone by name. As it turns out, Big Rudy is the guy that Ed bought the bowling alley from all those weeks ago. He seems like a logical choice for Stuckey Bowl owner as he's about as eccentric as your average Stuckey Bowl employee. He calls Ed his esteemed successor as the captain of this creeky old schooner we call the Stuckey Bowl. He calls Kenny a big Steakasaurus (one of my all-time personal favorite dinosaurs) and asks him if he ever finished writing his novel. Kenny admits he's stuck on chapter eight. Big Rudy's eyes meet Shirley's and he shakes her hand grudgingly. He greets her and she greets him with a "Rudolph." The sexual tension is thicker than Hugh Hefner's penis. Phil quietly clues Ed in on the tension with, "There's a long and complicated history between those two." Rudy announces that he's buying drinks for the house. Ed, feeling his testosterone level drop off the charts, offers to spring for the beer nuts, as we run smack dab into the opening credits.
Okay...it wasn't really in blood. But it would have been cool if she had said that. I think I probably woulda gotten a pee shiver over it.
Ed tells her to get the notebook and then announces that he's pretty sure he can beat the living dog shit out of her former bandmates in a court of law and agrees to take her case. They grope on it. Which -- once again -- wouldn't it be cool if instead of "shaking" hands on a deal, we "groped" on it? If it's someone you're not particularly attracted to, you could ruffle their hair or something to seal a deal. But if you found them appealing, you could, like, grab a chunk o' butt or something.
I'm rambling, aren't I?
Through the miracles of modern-day technology, Ed arrives in the offices of Ms. Bonnie Hane. He bursts into her office and begins babbling in a Law & Order-intro monotone that I thought was kinda witty myself about how her day is broken up into two categories: prosecuting and having lunch. He asks her to lunch. She giggles like a little schoolgirl and they're off. They're walking down the street and Ed is positively giddy because he's finally emptied the sperm ducts out of the old scrotal sac area with an actual female. Ed asks her to ride piggyback on his back. Bonnie refuses because she's a bitch. Ed pushes it; he really wants her on his back. It's the early part of their relationship and he believes they should be frolicking and romping. Bonnie says she's not a fan of public affection, which is like saying Timothy McVeigh wasn't a fan of the government. Ed is shocked that she won't ride piggyback on him and taunts her with phrases like, "What...you think I can't lift you?" and, "Are you feeling unwieldy?" Bonnie finally agrees and the happy young couple piggyback down the street.
Unbeknownst to the goofy twosome, Molly and Carol are walking towards them. Molly is prattling on about the "Call Me Ishmael" guy from the Book Club the night. Carol prods Molly into admitting she has a bad case of the hornies for Jeff. Molly admits it and Carol says, "Looks like love is in the air for Molly Hudson," which makes Molly beam. All of a sudden, Carol sees Ed and Bonnie coming towards them, and Carol forces Molly to turn around and they walk briskly down the street to avoid crossing Ed's path.