Here we go 'round the Edberry Bush so early in the morrrrning. Sorry, folks...in a last-ditch effort to get rid of this nagging cough from hell, I have upped my dosage of prescription cough syrup to "Lethal." Yes -- this could turn out to be the most exciting ride since "It's A Small World" opened up.
Now then...onto this week's exciting episode of Edward....
Ed opens with the now prerequisite "Previously on Ed" recap. In a nutshell, Ed has fallen for Bonnie; Carol's not thrilled about it; and the concept of "Wall-to-Wall Whores" to boost attendance in the bowling alley, raised in Episode One, has still not been pursued, which leaves Uncle Bob a very sad man indeed.
We kick off the show with Ed and Bonnie waking up in bed together. Oh, that's great "family" material, NBC: two unmarried people having the sex thang. If I were any more of a prude, I'd be scraping my eyeballs with a spackler right about now. And in case there's no such thing as a spackler and it's a word I just made up due to the excessive amounts of cough syrup I just ingested, substitute the words "pointy-assed stick" in its place, please. Ed asks Bonnie whether she's ready for his traditional morning-after joke. She says she is. He holds out his hand and says "Hi, I'm Ed Stevens. And you are...?" Bonnie chuckles more than she probably should. She's probably heard that same line in the same situation hundreds of times before and, yes, I'm insinuating that Bonnie is a whore...got a problem with that?! Ed asks how she likes her eggs, and then guesses "Denver omelet." Bonnie shoots down Ed's egg plans by saying that she has to get to work and catch up on some stuff, about which she doesn't go into great detail. Sounds to me like the traditional morning-after blow-off. I've heard enough of those to recognize them a mile away. Ed tries to talk her into eating one of his Denver omelets, which is the only breakfast named after the mile-high city, but she gets up out of bed and starts getting dressed. Ed looks dejected, sad, and pissed that he bought all those eggs for naught.
At the bowling alley, Ed's taking care of business when Mike walks in. Mike wants to know how the night went with Bonnie. Ed says great. Mike wants to know on a scale of one to ten, and Ed says, "Eleven." But he's giving himself an eleven, not Bonnie. Ouch. Mike reminds Ed that he's married, and that he needs adjectives and adverbs like "blood-curdling" and "passionless." Ed says that he doesn't think that sleeping with Bonnie was such a good idea, after all. Mike looks at his watch and documents the time and date as the day Edward J. Stevens became a homosexual. Mike offers Ed his full support towards his new lifestyle. Ed explains that he and Bonnie have nothing in common, and that he doesn't see a future with her. Mike asks whether Ed's going to tell Carol, and Ed says he isn't, because she went nuts on him the last time when he didn't tell her about Bonnie. Shirley brings Ed his Denver omelet, and Mike grabs it and begins chowing down as if it were for him. Ed looks depressed again. This is twice that Ed has looked down and out, and the opening credits haven't even run yet.
Wait. There are the opening credits. I spoke too soon.
Commercials. Oh, shit. There's something even worse than PMS out there. It's PMDD: Prementstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I swear to God, if any of you people email my wife to tell her about this, I will hunt you down like a rabid dog. She doesn't need to know about stuff like this, because she will claim to have it and then starting aiming guns at my head once a month. Oh wait. There's a cure: Sarafem. Never mind.
Back in the bowling alley, Ed walks in as Phil and Shirley set up folding chairs. Ed asks what's going on, and Phil welcomes him to the "Phil Stubbs Love-Atorium." Shirley throws a handful of glitter in the air to emphasize the importance of the name. Phil explains that, with Valentine's Day right around the corner, this is a good way for lonely Stuckeyvillians to hook up and get some righteous sex on the big day. Ed stops him and says that -- instead of Phil's explaining this latest idea, Ed's shooting it down, and Phil's just doing it anyway -- Phil should just name his price on how much he thinks this will make, and Ed will give him that amount right now. Phil smiles and says, "It's like watching a little six-year-old trying to buy a whole candy store with a handful of pennies," which means...there is no price for Phil's latest idea. Nancy walks in and needs to speak to Ed. Phil gets all slimy grubby toward Nancy, telling her to come by later tonight if she's looking for action. She brings up the fact that she's married, and Phil says that everyone needs a little something on the "schnide." I think he meant "side," but Phil's too cool to actually say "side." Hence...my strictly heterosexual love affair with this man. Anyway, Nancy wants to talk to Ed about Rev. Carver, who's been ousted from the pulpit by the president of the church.
Ed and Nancy walk to the church, reminiscing about Rev. Carver and how great he is. He married Mike and Nancy, as well as Ed and Liz. Nancy slips Ed a note from Mike that reads, "Ten dollars if you call Rev. Carver 'Padre.'" Ed laughs. I post this week's $10 bet on the graph that I keep above my desk of all the $10 bets issued so far, and note a steady decline in the hilarity involved with each passing week.
They bust up all in the church and Rev. Carver is speaking to a less-than-packed house. Timothy McVeigh will probably have more people at his wake than the number of people here. Rev. Carver is played by Charles S. Dutton, the guy who played Roc oh so many years ago. I used to love Roc. Watching that show made me feel proud of my African-American heritage. Granted, I'm a fat, middle-aged white guy. But my great, great-grandfather once slept with a black woman, and I think that's reason enough for me to proclaim "Black Power!" at the top of my lungs, and mean it, sister. Carver is talking some trash about Ralph Waldo Emerson, and it's so incredibly boring that the show smartly keeps his sermon in the background while Ed and Nancy converse.
After the sermon, Nancy and Ed greet the Reverend. He seems to be a super guy, asking how Nancy's "big goofy husband" is doing. Nancy introduces Ed, who used to sing in the choir and had a voice like a goat with a tracheotomy. Ouch. Then again, if the good Reverend would spice up his sermons with vicious slams like that, he might just have a congregation to whom to preach. Ed blows off this nasty little dig at his singing voice, and asks the Reverend if the scuttlebutt on the street about his being canned is true. The Reverend confirms that the rumors are true, saying that attendance is down; the President of the church doesn't feel Rev. Carter's doing enough to boost attendance, and that it's time to get someone a bit flashier in the position. It comes out that Dick Knight is the president. This is the same Dick Knight that sells used cars in town. Yes...a used-car salesman also serves as the president of a church, which means that Stuckeyville is actually the portal to Hell. Ed assures Rev. Carver that he will talk to Dick Knight, and see if he can change his tune, adding, "...Padre." After Ed says "Padre," there's a long, uncomfortable silence. Rev. Carver finally says, "You've been watching too many episodes of M*A*S*H*, haven't you?" Ed, who will latch onto any excuse given to him at this point, says, "Yes sir," just to ease the humiliation.
The girls are having lunch with Ed and grilling him about his date with Bonnie. Ed finally caves and says he picked Bonnie up and that they went to the drive-in movie, where they held hands the entire time. Afterward, they went out for some ice-cream sodas and met up with Archie and Jughead and then went to Inspiration Point, where they necked. The girls are kinda dejected that the words "rock-hard penis" didn't materialize anywhere in his description. Ed tries to blow off the whole night as "nothing special." Ed's obviously pissed that Bonnie didn't stay for eggs.
Back in his office, Ed's working when a pounding on the window is heard. It's Dick Knight, who just happens to be the best friend of Harry Balls and Jack Hoff. This guy is too, too pushy. Dick grabs Ed by the arm and says that they need to go outside to help get rid of Ed's hangover. Ed says that he doesn't have a hangover, but Dick doesn't listen and pulls him outside anyway. Whaddayaknow -- there's a new little sports car in the parking lot of Stuckey Bowl, and Dick insists that Ed get inside. Ed says he's not buying a car, and Dick utters his trademark line, "And I'm not selling you one." Ed brings up Rev. Carver, and Dick says he's a nice guy, but that doesn't put asses in the pews. Ed tries to save Rev. Carver's job but Dick says that he's not living up to his contract, and that if they don't have people in the pews, they lose money. Dick brings up Rev. Porter, a more flashy minister on the other side of town. That guy knows how to draw a crowd, according to Dick Knight, who tells Ed to go check him out, and to go enjoy that car. Ed reiterates that he's not buying the car and Dick yells, "I'm not selling it!" over his shoulder as he runs out of the parking lot.
Back inside, Phil is welcoming everyone to the Phil Stubbs Love-Atorium. There are two guys and one woman sitting in the folding chairs. This is obviously the New Coke of dating services. Shirley is playing the Love-Atorium Theme Song over the massive boom box that's always around the bowling alley. Phil introduces the concept of speed dating to the three people. Every guy in the room gets twenty seconds to talk to every woman in the room, and if they're lucky, by the end of the night they may have made a few love connections. The tall guy with hair talks to the woman. He works at the soap factory. She's a pastry chef. Her favorite pastry is the cannoli. They rotate. The stubby, bald guy introduces himself to the same woman Chuck just did. Chuck imports bauxite. I think he said "bauxite." I rewound the tape several times, and "bauxite" was all I could get. He then goes on a lengthy discussion on what "bauxite" is. It had something to do with aluminum, I won't bore you all with the gory details here. ["According to my dictionary, bauxite is a clay-like material containing alumina, from which, as one might guess, aluminum is made." -- Wing Chun] But the description of it takes up all twenty seconds of his time. Phil blows the whistle. The guy keeps trying to talk, and Phil about takes his head off in anger and tells the woman to disregard his last statement. Then it's the woman's turn to decide which man she wants -- the guy who was boring or the guy that was real boring. She goes with the boring guy and leaves Chuck looking like a human Charlie Brown. Phil's excited that his first Love-Atorium has been a success, and tells the happy couple to "bang themselves silly." Chuck's a bit ticked because he paid $40 for this crap and was promised a date. Phil says, "Let's face it, Chuck, the only man that can promise you a date is my man Andre downtown. Look for the pink El Dorado." Chuck's still mad, and is whining that he never stood a chance against the other guy because he looked like Lee Majors. Phil, feeling Chuck's pain, tells him that he's going to get him a date, adding, "Follow me." Chuck asks where they're going, and Phil replies, "The plastic surgeon. I'm kidding, Chuck. You're a handsome man," and then rolls his eyes.
I'll tell you what -- if my kid were old enough to be watching Ed, I'd have a ton of explanations about sex to be hand out this week, and we haven't even reached the fifteen-minute mark yet. Luckily, my boy's three months old, and doesn't understand sex at all. Yet even with that strike against him, he's getting more tit than me lately. Go figure.
In the hallway at City Hall, Ed catches up with Bonnie. Bonnie's clearly blowing him off in the typical "I'm being as civil as possible with you considering we had some pretty wild sex last night and now I think I may have made a mistake" fashion. Believe me, I got that reaction from every woman that I ever managed to get drunk enough to sleep with me. I know that blow-off quite well, my friend. Ed gets a bit pissed with her attitude, and says that maybe he's old-fashioned, but when he sleeps with a district attorney, he wants to be able to have a civil conversation afterward. Bonnie wants to know how she's not being civilized. She tells him to relax; it was just one night. He agrees that it was one night. He didn't tattoo her name on his arm or anything stupid like that. He says that she's the most bizarre woman he's ever met. She agrees with him. He walks away. Ice crystals form on Bonnie's eyelashes, and she's inside a warm building. She is the ice princess, kids.
Commercials. Providence is an all-new episode on Friday night. Great. I'll be sure to rearrange my social calendar for that one.
Rev. Carver, Ed, and Nancy pay a visit to the Heavenly Path Cathedral where Rev. Porter is performing. Not preaching -- performing. The congregation is clapping away, and the electric guitarist in the choir is enjoying a particularly hot solo. I recognize Letterman's announcer as the keyboard player in the band, and get all gooey because I finally recognized someone in a low-key performance during Ed. Yeah, I'm still kicking myself after missing Mary Ellen Walton as the judge in the first episode -- sue me. Rev. Porter's introduced, and Bob Odenkirk walks into the spotlight. Odenkirk never fails to crack me up with his smarmy demeanor. ["I missed Odenkirk?! Damn. Stupid Dawson's Creek." -- Wing Chun] Porter tells a joke about asking Jesus to arrange a date with Jennifer Lopez for Porter, and Jesus says, "What do I look like? A miracle worker?" This gets a huge laugh from the rambunctious congregation. He then does an impression of Jack Nicholson doing a Bible reading. No wonder this guy is putting asses in pews -- he's good! Just as he starts to introduce wacky headlines from around the world, Rev. Carver has seen enough and he, Ed, and Nancy leave. Carver says if that's what it takes to keep his job, he needs to retire. Carver likes giving forty-five-minute-long sermons about ethics, not Nicholson impressions. Nancy says that, even though she doesn't go to church every Sunday, she knows he can't leave Grace Church. Carver says that Grace Church will still be there, with or without him. Ed corrects him by saying the building will still be there, but it won't be Grace Church. I have to agree. It's the preacher that makes a church, not the building. There. I said it. Uncle Bob's stance on religion is out there for all to mock and ridicule. Begin casting stones at dawn.
Carol shows up at the bowling alley, trying to cajole Ed into a little batting practice down at the batting cages. The town is covered in snow, and she wants to go hit some balls. It's something she hasn't done since she kicked Nick Stanton to the curb, and I meant that with plenty of puns intended. Ed agrees to go because he's still whipped like a bad puppy when it comes to Carol.
Ed and Carol get to the cages, and Carol tells him to watch and learn. Ed says that he has something to tell her. Carol says that she knows she looks like Robocop with the batting helmet on; she's heard it all before. He tells Carol that whatever he had with Bonnie is over. Carol says that's great, and asks if he's free for Valentine's Day, because she and Molly are having a pathetic little loser party for people with no dates on Valentine's Day. He agrees to come to their party, probably because the concept of such a party just reeks of a Molly and Carol sandwich to any half-intelligent man. She continues her batting practice, and Ed blurts out that he slept with Bonnie. This frazzles Carol a bit, but she plays it off like it doesn't really bother her at all. But, deep inside, Carol's ovaries are just itching for a little Ed juice, if you get my drift and only the most ignorant of you wouldn't. Carol wishes both Ed and Bonnie a hearty congratulations, and then swings at the ball with all the fury of Lizzie Borden swinging that ax.
Back in the bowling alley, Phil is ready to teach Chuck how to pick up women. Using Shirley as his practice woman, Phil tells Chuck to start talking to her. Chuck manages to utter, "Hi, I'm Chuck. How are you today?" when Phil yells "Stop!" Chuck asks what's wrong, and Phil says, "How do I put this? Everything!" Phil gives Chuck some breathing tips, and then asks to see Chuck's walk. Phil says that Chuck's walk is all wrong: he prances like a cute little bunny. Phil shows him the cool walk that looks like a man stalking his prey. Then Phil bounces around Chuck, looking like a drunken marionette. I vow to follow Michael Ian Black's (Phil's) career until the day I die, or he quits getting gigs because he's one strange duck. ["He's in an upcoming movie that did well at Sundance, called Wet Hot American Summer. Seriously!" -- Wing Chun]
Ed walks into his office, and there's Bonnie, sitting in a chair and wearing a hat that can only be described as a combination of the butt-ugliest hat ever shown on television with frozen vomit on a stick. It actually had horns on it. Horns, I'm tellin' ya. Bonnie explains that when she was a little girl and had been bad, her Mother made her wear a hideously ugly hat called "The Hat of Shame." My question: has Ed done any research to determine that Bonnie's last name may actually be "Crawford"? I doubt it. Bonnie says that she wears this hat for Ed, and feels bad about blowing him off earlier in the episode. She's worried that she may have come off kinda bitchy to the audience at home watching her, especially any fat, middle-aged white guys that have to recap this show for Mighty Big TV, the best G.D. TV recapping website in the history of the internet. ["Fuckin' A!" -- Wing Chun] Ed asks whether that's the same hat she wore as a child, and Bonnie says it isn't, and that she had to shop all day to find the most hideous hat in Stuckeyville. Ed believes her, which turns out to be a major advancement in their relationship. Bonnie asks Ed if he's ever been so nervous and confused after spending the night trading sex juices with someone for the first time that he acted like a total nasty-assed bitch the day. Ed, nice guy that he is, probably hasn't, but acts like he has. Bonnie wants to make up for being such a cold-hearted snake in City Hall by cooking him dinner for Valentine's Day. She plans on cooking him a dinner that will make his head explode. Somehow, I don't doubt that. She'd probably orgasm while watching someone's head explode. The damned black widow in human form, that's what Bonnie Hane is. Ed says he already had plans, sliding around satin sheets with Carol and Molly, but he'll cancel those plans to come and let his head explode at Bonnie's.
We then have some commercials. Nothing of great importance. I think wild lion cubs are now wearing Pampers. Or something like that. Oh...some guy proposes live to his girlfriend on television. This has got to be the most clumsy proposal ever staged on television. It made me uncomfortable to watch such a loser propose to his woman. It was really bizarre and uncomfortable.
Back at Grace Church, the organist tries to liven up the festivities by announcing Rev. Carver. The good reverend emerges from behind a curtain with a spotlight in his eyes that leave him temporarily blind. He tries to tell a joke that was so bad and screwed up that there's no way I can transcribe it here. The congregation just stares at him like his head exploded, and Bonnie Hane had nothing to do with it. Ed, Nancy, and Dick Knight are standing at the back of the church, and Dick's not impressed with Rev. Carver's lame jokes.
After the service, Ed and Nancy walk with the Reverend, who's visibly pissed about his comedic timing, mentioning that he's no David Brenner. Hey, Reverend...who is, huh? Nancy and Ed try to tell him to keep doing what he's doing. The Reverend says that doesn't work anymore; you have to have fireworks and dancing monkeys. Ed mentions that he wants to fight Dick Knight in court over this. The Reverend says that he doesn't want to fight in court, and that maybe it's time he just opened that tile and grout store that's been his pipe dream all these years. Heh heh. You've gotta love that line. He's been a minister for thirty years, but he always wanted his own tile and grout store. Heh. Still gets a chuckle out of me. Somehow they convince him that he needs to fight in court. The fight is on.
Skipping all the stuff that goes on before a case actually gets to court, we now end up in court. Dick Knight is on the stand, and is being grilled by his attorney. Dick says that Carver's a fine man, but that the bottom line is they need more people in the congregation to make more money and keep the church going. Dick even tries to sell a few cars during his testimony. He's such a likeable sleaze -- kinda like Bonnie Hane, except she's lickable and not likeable. Dick is forced to read Rev. Carver's contract; it states that he's supposed to work in the best interest of Grace Church, and he hasn't done that. Ed's turn. Ed asks how Dick Knight measures a good car salesman. Dick says that a good car salesman moves cars in and out at a rapid pace. A case of dollars and cents. The same goes for ministers. The church is there to help people. Ed asks whether the church is there to make money, or to help people? Dick says that it's there to make money so that it can help people. Ed asks which is the better church -- the one that helps a small number of people a great deal, or the church that helps a large number of people just a little bit. Dick thinks that Ed's missing the point. Ed says that Dick's missing the point. Ed asks whether Grace Church's bills have always been paid. Dick says yes. Ed has nothing further. My ass itches, so I scratch it. Probably a little more than I needed to, but sometimes those lines become blurred. Have I scratched enough? Am I scratching too much? Not that this has anything to do with Ed. It's just that sometimes I'm looking for a viable outlet for my ass-scratching questions. Sorry.
Back in the bowling alley, it's wheels on the pavement time for Chuck. Phil tells Chuck to pick out a female in the bowling alley, and try out everything that he's learned from Phil Stubbs Love-Atorium. Chuck picks out a woman, but before Phil allows him to approach her, he wants to check out Chuck's facial expressions. Phil calls out emotions: "sad," "cool," "impressed," etc., and Chuck goes from emotion to emotion beautifully. He does manage to screw up "Swedish." Phil reminds him to elongate the face to achieve "Swedish," and Chuck's ready to go. One more thing: Phil's ultimate pick-up line. He gives it to Chuck on a piece of paper. Chuck asks if Phil's serious, and Phil assures him that line would get him more tail than a thousand pesetas in a Venezuelan whorehouse. I'm not sure if I spelled "pesetas" or "Venezuelan" correct, so bear with my uncultured ass. ["It's okay -- I'm on it." -- Wing Chun] Chuck approaches the woman as she's walking away from her bowling team, hands her a jacket, and says, "I own a speedboat." The woman says, "What?" and Chuck gives her his "Super Cute" facial expression, which looks like his nuts have just been hooked up to a car battery. She says, "Excuse me," and walks away, leaving Chuck looking like an even bigger loser than he actually is. Shirley takes perverse enjoyment in the whole scenario. Gee, Ed fans -- I wonder why?
Carol's leaving a coffee shop when Ed approaches her on the street. It is amazing how many times that has happened on the show. Ed must have Carol Radar or something -- he's always walking up to her on the street. Ed tells Carol that he can't make the big pathetic loser Valentine's Day party because Bonnie wants him to come over to her house, and since he's already had sex with Bonnie and never had a threesome with Carol and Molly, logic dictates that he'd have a much better chance of nailing Bonnie then plugging Carol and Molly full of cheap vodka and getting them to do a naked Hokey Pokey in the shower stall with him. He doesn't actually say this, but it was implied. At least, in my sex-deprived mind, it was implied. Actually, Ed says that he has to work, but then changes his mind and says that it's not work: he's going to Bonnie's. Carol thinks that Ed has some sick need to tell her everything that's going on in his dating life. Carol tells Ed that she doesn't care. They're friends. That's it. He doesn't have to lie to her, because she doesn't care. She walks away, leaving Ed to say "I'm sorry" to nobody in particular.
Commercials. You can buy tuna in a bag now. Welcome to 2001. You thought computers named HAL were going to be killing us in outer space by now. Wrong. Tuna in a bag. That's it.
Back in court, Dick's attorney says that Rev. Carver refuses to do the part of his job that he hates: bringing people into his church and keeping them there. That's the bottom line. Ed says that it doesn't matter whether Rev. Carver is popular or not: he has the ability to touch people with his words. It's better to be good than popular. I don't agree, but that's only because I'm one popular asshole.
Back in the bowling alley, Phil has dressed Chuck up like Cupid and is giving him another pep talk. Chuck feels stupid. Phil doesn't care, and asks Chuck to repeat his new opening line. Chuck says, with vigor, "I'm Cupid. I own a speedboat." Phil's impressed, and sends him off to be castrated by the female wolfhounds that inhabit the Stuckey Bowl. Chuck takes a few steps and says that he can't do it -- he won't do it. He's going to do it his way. Chuck takes his Cupid wings off and climbs up on top of the bowling-shoe desk/ checkout/ thing that I've never really known what to name so I've always avoided talking about it for the last thirteen recaps. Chuck then gives a moving speech that I think needs to be transcribed word for word. Here it is in its entirety:
Excuse me. Excuse me. [People stop bowling and turn to look at Chuck, wondering to themselves if this nutjob is packing heat.] Can I have your attention, please? Thank you. My name is Chuck Harris. I'm not a rock star. I don't speak with a fancy French accent and I don't own a speedboat. I'm just a nice, simple guy from Stuckeyville who imports and distributes bauxite for a living. [A guy yells, "What the hell is bawxite?"] It's used in abrasives, furnace linings, and spark plugs. [The guy says, "Ah...gotcha."] It's Valentine's Day, and I, Chuck Harris, don't have a Valentine. [Phil balances the boom box on his head, à la John Cusack in Say Anything; the stereo is playing Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is."] So if there's a gal out there who would like to spend some time with a regular guy like me -- a guy who will never be president [Shirley stares at him lovingly] or a lion tamer, or a king -- step on up here to this shoe counter. Step on up and take a chance that maybe, just maybe, Chuck Harris may be worth a roll of the dice. Because you know what? There ain't nothing wrong with Chuck Harris just the way he is. Nothing at all. [People resume bowling. Nobody steps up.Chuck looks pathetic.]
Back at City Hall, the jury has reached a verdict in the case of Dick Knight versus Rev. Carver. We at home are asked to suspend any belief in time and space that we may have previously entertained, because Bonnie asked Ed to have Valentine's dinner with her before Ed even asked Rev. Carver to take this whole mess to court. The entire selection of the jury, selection of attorneys, judges, etc. must have been done in about thirty seconds, because the jury has already reached a decision and Ed still has to have his dinner with Bonnie.
Rev. Carver gets to keep his job. Dick Knight's an ass. Carver gets to go back to preaching to a handful of people immediately. The world spins.
Carol's walking to school when Ed runs up yet again. Ed's saying that he feels really guilty about boinking Bonnie when he moved to Stuckeyville and bought a bowling alley so that he could be ramming Carol with his spoot stick. Carol says that their friendship is complicated. She says that they're not ready for each other, but...she's jealous. Ed says that's normal. She says it's crazy. She doesn't want him right now, but she doesn't want him dating others either. Gosh, Carol. You want to have your cake and eat it too. Gee whiz, Carol. Gee whiz Mighty Big TVheads. Can you now see why I've been on this woman's case for several months?! Because she's a wishy-washy hot-assed woman! She asks whether they will always be friends, and Ed does her one better: even if they end up marrying others, they should agree to meet once a week to do it (meaning sex). Maybe I'm a softie at heart, but that sounds like a damned good arrangement to ol' Uncle Bob, kiddies. Carol says that Ed's strange. Ed says he's strange but intriguing. Carol opts for just strange.
At Bonnie's house (the real portal to Hell, mind you), she's apologizing for treating Ed like shit lately. She tells Ed that he's the first guy she's boned since she was stood up at the altar. Ed admits that she's the first woman who's ridden him naked like a mechanical bull since his wife was caught pulling a train on the U.S. Postal Service. Gosh -- in the field of sexual dynamics, they're even. She asks about Carol, and he says that they're just friends. Bonnie says that she can tell they're not "just" friends. Ed says that they have a complicated relationship. He asks what they do now, and she says that they need to start "checking all emotional baggage at the door," which means porking with reckless abandon and not expecting to talk to each other the day. They start macking like a couple of gangsta lovers.
In church, Rev. Carver is speaking to a congregation slightly larger than before, probably composed of people who are just there to see what all the hype was about. Carver is going on and on about St. Valentine and the history behind Valentine's Day. If I wanted history, I'd be watching the History Channel, Roc. How about giving me a little video montage on what everyone's doing while you're preaching?
Done. Ed and Bonnie are playing Stratego. Ed's obviously losing, so he tips the board over and they laugh and then start kissing again like a couple of junior-high students who just got their braces off. Carol's eating alone when Molly comes into the picture with chopsticks in her mouth, imitating a walrus. It's such a wide open visual joke that I refuse to demean myself by making fat jokes at Molly's expense. Well...actually, I just can't come up with a real good zinger right now, so I'll let it slide. Chuck and Shirley are at the batting range, and it's damned nice to see that since Ed's been getting a little nookie, Shirley's vulva will be getting a nice little workout of its own. And, finally, Phil is spending Valentine's Day in the best way possible...watching a stripper slide seductively down a pole.
The show concludes with Rev. Carver wishing everyone a happy Valentine's Day, as the maudlin music reaches a swelling crescendo.
week, Bonnie announces that she may be leaving Stuckeyville, which elicits a roar from every Edhead nationwide. And John Goodman shows up as the former owner of the Stuckey Bowl; he wants to buy it back now that Ed's worked his bowling mojo on the place.
Don't forget...Ed's on Tuesday, February 20, at 10 PM EST, 9 PM CST for one night only. Tune in for a very special Ed. Or don't. And just read my recap. Either way...you'll walk away confused and angry. Mwah!