The pressure is officially on.
With Ed winning a People's Choice Award for Best New Comedy, that's bound to bring three or four more people to this spot to read my recap for the show.
My palms...they are a-sweating.
Sooo...um, hi. I'm Uncle Bob. I'll be your nervous recapper.
Okay. Niceties aside, let's dive head-first into this pool of bad puns, empty thoughts, and terrifying attempts at dull wit and see what made Ed tick this week.
The show opens with Ed cleaning his house. A knock at the door finds an older couple on his doorstep. "Hey c'mon in!" Ed says, clueing those of us at home in on the fact that these people could very well be Ed's parents. "Come here you skinny bastard," his father says, pulling him close as he hugs him. Ed asks how the flight went and Ed's mom says she almost died of embarrassment. Apparently, Ed's dad always pre-orders the Kosher meal on flights because that way he knows he's getting something fresh to eat. However, on this flight there weren't enough Kosher meals prepared, so he had to give the meal to an actual Jewish guy...after a coin toss which turned into 2 out of 3 due to Dad's bad luck. The parents take a look around the house and try to act impressed. Dad says he enjoyed Ed's New York home, with its scenic view of the Chrysler building. Ed tries to pump up his humble abode by pointing out that he has his own back yard and garage here in Stuckeyville. And the guy door drives a Chrysler, so it's close to what he used to have. Mom says that she got a letter from Liz, Ed's ex, who is now living in Soho. Dad asks what rent is going for these days in Stuckeyville and Ed says that he's actually bought the house. The parents kind of stare at each other and say that they thought Ed just needed a break from his real life. "This is my real life," he tells them. And the disappointed looks continue as we slide into a tidy little batch of commercials.
Back from commercials, Molly and Carol are walking down the street. Molly is babbling incessantly about taking over as coach of the Girls' JV Basketball team, which is currently celebrating its forty-seventh consecutive loss. Molly thinks she can do wonders for the team's self-esteem. Finally, she admits that one of the reasons she'd like to take over the team is so that she can holler (and then she hollers), "HIT THE SHOWERS, YOU PUNKS!" which frightens the crap out of a nearby lady.
Over at the bowling alley, Ed is carelessly throwing pencils into the ceiling when Kenny steps into his office. Kenny informs Ed that some young hooligans have stolen the "T" out of the "Stuckey Bowl" sign again, so that the sign now reads "Suckey Bowl." Ed finds this oddly amusing. You've got to give the guy credit...he's half loopy.
Molly and Carol run into Agnes Buchner, an old friend of Molly's from high school. Agnes is warm toward Molly -- not so much toward Carol. Agnes tells Molly that she looks the same which Molly responds "Minus the Psychedelic Furs t-shirts." Molly introduces Carol to Agnes and reminds her that they were all classmates. Carol tries to talk to Agnes and hits an icy brick wall, with Agnes clearly snubbing her. Agnes bids them both farewell and Molly says, "See ya, Aggie!" Carol chimes in with an ultra-clumsy "See ya, Aggie...nes."
Back at the bowling alley, Ed is taking down the Pro Shop/Lawyer sign down from outside his office. Phil walks up and watches him. Ed asks Phil what he needs and Phil admits he just likes watching Ed work...it's "poetry in motion." Phil asks, "So what's the story? Are the feds finally busting this little dog and pony show?" Ed explains that his parents are visiting and he wanted them to think he was taking this seriously. He then asks Phil for a favor. "Do you want me to hide all the bowling balls?" Phil asks. "I need you to..." Ed starts, and we can tell he's really trying to choose his words carefully here "...try to be a little less...Phil." Ed tries to explain himself, but Phil interupts him. "I read you loud and clear, Señor. Don't worry your pretty little head," he says. Phil leaves to stash the signs away as Ed's parents walk in. Ed welcomes them to his new office; Mom says that she didn't realize his offices were in a bowling alley. Ed corrects her by telling her that the law office is adjacent to the bowling alley -- not in the bowling alley. Dad steps in the office for a second, turns around and says, "I'm still in a bowling alley." There's very little wool to be pulled over Pop's eyes. Ed tries to gloss it over, when his Mom asks whether his clients have to change their shoes before they come in his office. Ed says they don't. I look for a trickle of blood to come out of Ed's mouth where he's been biting his tongue, but there is none visible.
In a café, Molly, Carol, and Nancy are eating lunch. Carol's upset that Agnes blew her off earlier. Nancy says it's kind of ironic that sweet head cheerleader Carol is worried about what nerdy little Agnes thought of her. Molly points out that Carol never went out of her way to be nice to any of them in high school. Carol, a master debater if I ever saw one, counters, "I didn't know you guys." Wow. In your face, gals. Molly and Nancy try to smooth it out, saying that Agnes never got to know Carol the way Molly and Nancy have. Carol wants to know what that means, and Molly changes the subject: "You've got to try some of this Shepherd's Pie. It's shepherdlicious."
Meanwhile, Ed's entertaining his parents with the story of Stuckeyville Stan or whatever the hell that magician's name was earlier in the season. Dad reminds Ed that a year ago, he was working on a $300 billion merger that changed the structure of the national economy. Ed points out that he was working for a corporation then; now he's just working for himself, and he likes that better. The new Phil comes in quietly, dressed to the nines in sweater and slacks. He's coming across as the world's most attentive waiter, when he mentions that there's some gentlemen here to see Ed, and should he send them in? Ed's practically rendered speechless by Phil's politeness and says "Sure." Ed asks his parents to stick around and watch him in action. Dad says, "Send in the clowns,."
Kenny and Shirley are on the roof of the Stuckey Bowl. Kenny's complaining as he replaces the "T" on the sign. "Third time this month...these punks think they're funny," he growls. Shirley chimes in that she thinks Family Feud is funny, and that her favorite part is when somebody gives an answer and the whole family yells, "Good answer!" but they still get the answer wrong. This always tends to make Louie Anderson say something hilarious. "He's a funny guy," Kenny agrees. "He's a comic genius," Shirley confirms adamantly. Then Kenny shares a revelation. "I prefer Hollywood Squares," he says. Shirley looks at him blankly. He explains, "I've got a thing for Whoopi."
Okay...all together now: ewwwwww.
Back in the office, one of the potential clients checks out Ed's parents and asks, "Are they cool?" Ed assures them that his parents are, indeed, cool. One of the guys announces that they are in serious trouble. Apparently, a co-worker by the name of Ted Schmidt is suing them for playing a prank on him. Ed asks what they do and, as luck would have it, they're both box makers at the local box-making plant. "See that box behind you?" one asks Ed. "We made that box." The two then begin a short story on how they play pranks on each other and others at the box factory. The younger guy once filled a guy's shoes up with non-dairy whipped topping. That's a prime example of the intensity these two bozos bring to the table of hijinks.
Back up on the roof, Shirley is admiring Kenny's handiwork, saying that this "T" is the nicest "T" they've ever had. Kenny is visibly disturbed (more so than usual) and asks Shirley to accompany him on a stakeout that evening on top of the bowling alley, to capture the "T" thieves. Shirley mentally checks her social calendar, realizes she has nothing planned for the entire millenium, and agrees to join Kenny in the stakeout.
In the school hallway, Carol asks Molly whether she's signed up to teach the JV team yet. Molly says she was just on her way to sign up. Carol says that she wants to coach the team. As if stealing all Molly's thunder through high school and now adult life were not enough, Carol wants to steal the limelight from her once again by taking the position that Molly had wanted. With friends like Carol, who needs sharks? Molly asks for some motivation behind Carol's request and Carol just says she has a "Basketball Jones," which is an obscure Cheech and Chong song for you kiddies out there. Molly knows that it's all because of the Agnes Incident, and Carol starts whining that Molly shouldn't always be the champion of the underdog. Carol constantly felt like an underdog in high school. Molly corrects her by saying she was an "overdog," not an underdog. Carol considers telling Molly she was an "uglydog" but chooses to keep her big trap shut.
Back in Ed's office, Ed asks the two gentlemen about this prank that went horribly, horribly awry. The older guy says that it's a little complicated, but a videotape demonstration may help the explanation go quicker. They pop the video in, pop some popcorn, close the curtains, prop their feet up, and watch the video. It's a video of some winning lottery numbers coming up on the screen. Ed is given a lottery ticket to pay attention to while the video rolls. All six numbers are on the ticket. "This is a winning ticket," Ed says. His mom screams, "Oh my God!" while Dad tells Ed to run away, it's his ticket now since the guy gave it to him. The pranksters tell the Stevens family to relax, explaining that what they just witnessed was the prank that they pulled on Ted. I'm beginning to think there hasn't been a bigger family of suckers on TV since the Clampetts. The video was from last Wednesday, they bought the ticket on Friday with the winning numbers. It seems that Ted is a lottery freak, they bought the ticket and slipped it into his weekly pile of tickets. When the time came for the numbers to be drawn, they secretly slipped in this videotape to make Ted think that he won. These are two devious sons of bitches. I was taking notes like a madman in hopes of someday being half as evil as them someday. Ed thinks that Ted just needs a few days to calm down over the incident. However...there's more. As soon as Ted saw that tape, he went nuts. He quit his job and left his wife. Now he's holding them responsible. Ed agrees to take the case. His parents are sick to their stomachs, thinking Ed has gone off his rocker in deciding to represent these yahoos.
A few commercials blast through my TV speaker. I don't pay attention to them, because I only buy stuff from telemarketers.
Back at the bowling alley, Phil's reading a book while listening to classical music when Ed's dad walks in. "Is my son around?" he asks. Phil says no and is overly accomodating to Dad, suggesting everything from local cuisine to sightseeing tours to humor him until his son comes back. Dad declines politely, but then changes his mind. Dad decides to confess a few things about Ed to this polite young man. "I'm concerned about Ed...he's renting bowling shoes. It's like he snapped!" Phil counters, "I wasn't going to say anything, but frankly I think he's lost it." Phil blames it on the girl. "What girl?" Pops asks. Phil says, "Carol Vessey." Dad blurts, "Who's Carol Vanessy?" Phil feels his pain and says "Oh, Mr. Stevens." Phil is in total ass-kiss mode which fits him like a glove.
Ed goes to see Mr. Durford, the supervisor at the box factory. He asks Mr. Durford to give Ted his job back, because the only reason he quit was that he thought he won the lottery. Mr. Durford refuses, and upon further prodding, admits that even though Ted insulted him, he was prepared to forgive him. But when he insulted the company and its product, he went over the line. Ted actually said, "Boxes, who needs them?" Durford takes the liberty to answer the question: "We all do. You wouldn't want to live in a world without boxes. You couldn't survive a day without boxes. You may think you could, but you'd be wrong." The guy is clearly a perv for cardboard.
Meanwhile, Carol is joining Ed's parents (Alan and Natalie, we learn) for lunch. She asks if Ed's running late. Here's a shocker...Ed's not joining them. Mr. Stevens tells Carol, "What we discuss here stays here." She agrees. Mr. S. says that he doesn't care how or why Carol talked Ed into buying a bowling alley, he just wants Carol to relinquish her hold on Ed and asks how much it will cost to get her to convince Ed to move back to New York. Carol's visibly shocked, because the Stevens family all think she's doing the nasty with little Ed when she hasn't even gotten to second base with the strike-out king. Alan tells Natalie to get the checkbook and starts naming figures. $500? $1,000? Carol's offended and excuses herself by saying she's late for basketball practice. Ed's mom asks if they can get her something to go? Carol declines the offer and leaves. Had it been Molly, I bet she'd still be sitting there chowing down.
Kenny and Shirley are back on the roof, with Shirley scoping the place out through her binoculars. "We're going to need Night Vision goggles like they had in Silence of the Lambs, except they wouldn't be the killers," she informs Kenny, like they're married and Kenny's made of money. Kenny says that he loved Jodie Foster in that film, how she was tough and feminine. Shirley hesitates before stating her opinion on Jodie's character: "Clarice was the architect for the modern female hero," she says quickly. "Intelligence and non-threatening beauty combined with a moderate physical strength and a strong but not unbreakable moral code." Kenny's impressed and asks her if she made that up. Shirley says she saw it on the TV Guide channel. Kenny nods in approval, agreeing, "That's a good channel."
Across town at the high school, Carol bounces into the gym, full of pep and energy, to face a bunch of lifeless young girls. Not that they're dead. God, no. That would be the basis for a horror movie, not Ed. What I mean is, they're all sitting there with no enthusiasm. One girl wonders why a former Miss Teen USA would want to work with them. Carol scoffs at that remark and says she was never a Miss Teen USA. It's decided that the Miss Teen USA rumor was just that -- a rumor. Carol tries to pump them up by telling them they're a great group of girls and instructs them all to get on their feet. The girls slowly rise from the floor like deflated helium balloons. Carol informs them that they'll all be doing some "basket making." She glances up to find the baskets, but the janitorial staff has raised the goals to the roof. "Are they always that high?" Carol asks. "They stopped lowering those last month," one of the players responds. Carol shifts into plan B: "Ball throwing." Trouble is, the girls only have one ball to practice with. Carol, coming off like a regular Coach MacGyver, decides that they will do some ball bouncing. Whoever bounces the ball the highest wins a fruit roll-up, which is basically treating the basketball team like a bunch of trained seals. Carol decides to go first, and bounces the ball on the floor. The ball has no give to it and just sits flat on the floor. Plan D kicks into overdrive: calisthenics. Carol then starts doing the most pathetic-looking jumping jacks in the history of exercise.
Ed's in his office when Carol bursts in with her basketball. Indicating the basketball, Ed says, "I'm afraid I can't let you bowl with that. It's too bouncy." As always, Carol doesn't listen to Ed, and admits that she needs to know everything about basketball, before tomorrow. I assume they're talking about the actual game and not the drugs, sex, and thug life surrounding the professional level of the sport.
In somebody's driveway, Ed and Mike are trying to teach Carol and Nancy about the "Pick and Roll." They demonstrate the move and Carol admits it's a sneaky move and she likes it. Ed gives her the ball and tells her to try it, while patting her on the ass. Carol turns around with venom in her eyes. Ed quickly explains that's called a basketball pat, and he even called her "Buddy" to prove it was just a friendly pat. Carol turns back around and Ed debates on sniffing his fingers.
In the courtroom, everyone is watching a video that was secretly taken of Ted the day he thought he won the lottery. Ted begins freaking out on the video, telling everyone to kiss his $20 million ass. He tells Durford that the reason he's quitting is because the company sucks, Durford sucks, boxes suck. In the video, you see one of the defendants trying to calm Ted down, but Ted's wound up -- hell, he just became a millionaire. The tape is shut off and Ed asks the defendant what happened . The defendant says that Ted ran off before the pranksters could tell him the truth. Ted went home, told his wife he was leaving her, and took off. The defendant says that they're always playing pranks like this at work, and recently put a live ferret in a guy's locker. The defendant then says that he really tried to tell Ted it was fake, but it was too late.
Back in the gym, Carol has successfully taught the girls the "Pick and Roll." Before the scene can reach a steamy and erotic shower sequence, we're back in the courtroom. I sit in my recliner and repeatedly slap myself in the forehead like an autistic child, pissed that I didn't get to see any skin.
Anyway...back in the courtroom, the defendant is being cross-examined, basically reiterating that they had no idea Ted would freak out so suddenly over the lottery ticket. The prosecutor asks if the defendants ever heard Ted bitch about his job. The defendant said yeah, Ted hated his job and was always talking about the day that he won the lottery, when he'd walk out of the rathole. But the defendant always thought that was "just talk." The prosecutor corrects him, saying that this time it turned out not to be "just talk."
Back in the gym, Carol and Ed are picking and rolling. Carol's excited that her girls had such a good time practicing earlier that day, and that even though it may sound corny, they seem like brand-new people now. She finally tells Ed that she has to tell him something. Ed says he knows what it is -- that she's wildly attracted to him, that they should quit torturing themselves and start doing it already. Carol blows off his subliminal seduction and tells him that she had lunch with his parents and that they tried to get her to talk him into going back to New York, offering her $1,000 to do it. Ed's about as pissed as he can possibly get, which is similar to watching a Muppet lose it. "That's it, I'm telling them to leave," he says. Carol then asks Ed whether he thinks his life was better in New York. Ed says that maybe it was, on paper. But he never got to play basketball on a weekday afternoon in New York. Carol then slaps him on the ass and calls him "Buddy." Ed grins, and truth be told, probably ran home and slapped his little German soldier around several times just thinking about that butt slap.
Good Lord...more commercials.
We're back in the parking lot of Stuckey Bowl, the sign of which now reads "Suckey Bowl." Kenny's beating himself up over it, saying that they were only gone a short while and he has no idea how this happened. Shirley has a theory that the thieves are masters of deception sort of like David Copperfield. Shirley's reasoning is based on the fact that she once saw Copperfield change a fat guy into a pony. Ed's listening to her deduction while opening the coat closet, which has a bunch of "T"s stored in it. He hands them a "T," and the dynamic dunces are headed back up to the roof when Ed's parents waltz into the alley. Ed tells them that they need to sit down and talk. He's peeved that they had lunch with Carol. Dad says that they didn't have lunch with Carol, just in case Ed is bluffing. Ed tells his parents that what they did was very humiliating. His dad says that they were worried because they're his parents. But when they saw his eyes in the courtroom that day, they realized just how wrong they were about the situation and discovered that he was happy here in Stuckeyville. Ed's taken aback by their change of heart when Dad announces that they're leaving for the airport now, since their work is done. Hugs are exchanged and the parents take off.
Back in the gym, Carol is addressing the team. She has good news and great news. The good news is, she managed to finagle them a whole slew of new uniforms...which amount to cheap t-shirts with their names and numbers on them. One of the players asks what the great news is. Carol announces that she has challenged the varsity girls to a scrimmage. The team is horrified at Carol's stupidity, with one player pointing out the obvious. "They're going to kick our...can I say 'asses'?" she says. "Sure," Carol says. "...Asses," the girl finishes. It's generally agreed amongst the team that they probably wouldn't even hit double digits. Carol then gives the team a pep talk with as little actual pep involved as humanly possible, trying to boost them up.
In the courtroom, Ted tells Ed that this prank ruined his once happy life. Ed wants to find out just how happy Ted was with his job and wife. After reading Ted's last five employee evaluations, Ed discovers that Ted was constantly late, called in sick more than anyone else, and has an overall bad attitude. Plus, he probably still listens to Barry Manilow. Ted says that it was just a job. After a bit more prying, Ed gets Ted to admit that he's been seeing a marriage counselor and has run up quite a tab at the local Stadium Motor Lodge. Ed asks if Ted was going to the motor lodge to meet his wife. Ted admits that he was meeting someone other than his wife there. Ed then says, "Sorry your perfect life was ruined." It was a cold and callous thing for Ed to say, but he's such a charming bastard, he could have just as easily been saying "Good morning!" and it would have come out the same way.
Ed returns home to find his parents inside, waiting for him. Ed asks whether their flight was cancelled; Dad tells Ed to follow him into the living room. There, a semi-circle of wooden chairs have been set up. Ed barely recognizes the first guy, George, who offers Ed coffee or a menthol cigarette. Ed declines both. He spots Phil there and asks what's going on. Phil looks severely depressed. George tells Ed that life is like a footpath through a dark African jungle. As long as you stick to the path, you're okay. But when you start veering off, that's when you get into trouble. When George was Ed's age, he was into everything...booze, whores, gambling, smank...(Ed looks dumbfounded and mouths the word "Smank?" in a true comedic moment). But Ed doesn't need to worry anymore. He's among friends. Phil pipes up, "We love you, Ed" and tells Ed it's an intervention. Ed's not impressed.
On top of the bowling alley, Kenny and Shirley stand guard over the "T." Kenny's relieving any of Shirley's doubts by telling her that even though he's a big man, he's quick. He once caught a live chicken with his bare hands like Rocky Balboa. Shirley is oblivious to Kenny's ramblings as she spills out her latest deep thoughts: she wants to know if you put a hamburger in a blender and blended it until it made a hamburger sauce and then poured it over a hamburger, would it double the hamburger flavor? Kenny thinks about it and decides that it'd be more like eating two hamburgers rather than doubling the flavor. "But it's not," Shirley protests. Kenny thinks about it and suggests that she should send that to Readers Digest.
At Ed's intervention, everyone's taking turns talking loudly into Ed's face. His dad yells, "You're having a nervous breakdown!" Phil, relying on early '80s dance music lyrics, tells Ed, "If you're going to ride, don't ride the white horse!" Ed's had enough and tells them as much. He then asks to speak to his dad alone. Dad admits that he just didn't want to stand back and watch Ed make a huge mistake with this whole "Return to Stuckeyville." Dad then tells the story of when Ed was five and Dad was offered a promotion in Dallas. Dad turned the promotion down. It was the best opportunity of his career and he let it go...because he was scared. Dad tells Ed that he's been thrown off the horse and is too scared to get up. And if he doesn't hurry up and get up, he'll never know what he could have achieved.
In the courtroom, final arguments are being presented. The prosecutor says that if someone played a prank and stole a Stop sign from a busy intersection, there would inevitably be a crash and those people would be held responsible. This lottery hoax ruined his client's life and these two jokers should be held responsible. Ed says that stealing Stop signs and doing what his clients did are two different things. There's no way that they could have expected him to go nuts. For some ungodly reason, Ed finds this moment to be a perfect opportunity to tell the old story about how he was fired from a successful job, went home, and found his wife doing a naked horizontal mambo with the mailman. For some people, having a drastic life change is the best thing they can go through. Ed truly believes that Ted's better off now without his crappy job and his estranged wife, and that it was the lottery ticket that gave him the courage to change his life.
Back up on the roof of the alley, Kenny mentions that there's a big basketball game tonight and everyone in town should be there, thus the "T" should be safe. His manly instincts then lead him to believe that Shirley and he can leave their post and go watch the game. Shirley agrees to go to the game with him. Kenny says that he thinks this experience has brought them closer. Shirley dissipates any sexual overtones from Kenny with a curt "I disagree."
Back in the courtroom, the judge is convinced that the defendants could have had no idea that Ted would go nuts. Therefore, the Judge finds for the defendants. Everyone's happy and Ed's parents are finally proud of their little boy.
At the gym that evening, the Varsity girls come bounding out onto the court. When it comes time for the JV team, Ed hits the boom box, playing "Also Sprach Zarathustra." Molly dims the lights and a spotlight shines on a door. Ed announces the team in a booming deejay voice. The girls slowly come out, shielding their eyes from the spotlight.
The game begins and the girls are on fire, hitting one basket. After that, it's a major struggle for them to even look alive.
Up on the roof of the bowling alley, Kenny's welding the "T" down. Shirley is admiring his technique and asks where he learned to weld. "In the joint," Kenny blurts out matter-of-factly. Shirley looks like he just stuck a gun in her ribs.
Back in the gym, the members of Carol's team are getting their asses kicked harder than that team that always plays the Harlem Globetrotters. The scoreboard reads 68-8. Carol calls for a time-out. The varsity coach is livid, screaming, "There's only six seconds left, you're losing by sixty points, why are you calling time out?"
Carol gives the girls one last pep talk and tells them to go with the pick and roll. The pep talk doesn't really work the magic she was hoping for and one of the girls asks if she can say anything else to motivate them. Carol says ,"Win one for the Gipper," and apparently that's all it'll take to turn these girls into winners.
While Queen's "We Are The Champions" plays, the last six seconds of the game are stretched out over an excrutiatingly long slow-motion montage. For anyone who has never seen a single movie or TV show revolving around a group of misfits trying to win a game...they end up scoring a basket, pushing their final score into the double digits of 10. The crowd goes nuts, the team shares a group hug and Ed tells Carol, "That's got to be the greatest fifty-eight-point loss in the history of the game."
After the game, everyone heads over to Stuckey Bowl for the after-game party. Ed pulls his dad aside and asks to talk to him. He thanks Dad for trying to help Ed out and understands his reasoning. Dad tells him never to be afraid to take risks. Ed tells Dad that returning to Stuckeyville was his risk, and that staying in New York would have been the safe thing to do. Dad asks if Ed could at least get separate entrances for the law office. Ed stands firm and says, "No," then tells him to look on the bright side: for the rest of Dad's life, he'll have free bowling.
The camera pulls back and focuses on the sign above. The "T" is safely in its place. However, the "E" in Stuckey has been moved so that the sign reads "Stucky Bowel."
I've got to say...this was one of the weakest episodes yet. Too little Phil...too much parents. That's my opinion. I wouldn't try to scam a cup of coffee with it if I were you, though.