Episode Report Card Monty Ashley: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT I Bring You... FIRE!
By Monty Ashley | Season 1 | Episode 6 | Aired on 10.28.2009
Will interrupts Kat at the hospital, and she's probably getting annoyed at all these people getting in the way of her work. Lady's got a job, people! She gets mad at him for telling Joanna about them, and also claims to follow the rule of "chicks before sticks". She emphasizes that she cares more about Joanna than him, and Will ignores this. Will asks what would happen if there were no Joanna, and she points out that she's still a married woman. She insists that she's not interested, and he doesn't look like he buys it.
Joanna is lying on the couch snacking again. After all that walking around, she's regressed to the state of complete immobility on the couch. She can't reach the remote control, and then it magically moves toward her hand. Just then, there's a knock at the door. Personally, if I had just discovered telekinetic powers, I would be more interested in that than in answering the door, but Joanna gets up and opens it. It's Pastor Dunn! He clamps a rag over Joanna's mouth and nose, and she passes out. Do kidnappers normally knock?
Exciting music plays as Pastor Dunn's van zooms down the road with Joanna tied up in the back. Pastor Dunn speaks in vague terms about his plans for her, but he does mention that he's going to take vengeance on her and release her from her spirit. That doesn't sound too good. She gets him to look into her eyes, although I'm not sure using the rear-view mirror counts. She Hypno-tells him to do what she says, but it turns out that priests have some sort of anti-witch field. He shakes off the suggestion and continues down the road. Man, what a ripoff. You'd think having Hypno-eyes would be really helpful, but they only work about 50% of the time. It's like the Jedi mind trick. Say! Do you think Pastor Dunn is a Toydarian?
Kat goes to the Gazette offices to talk to Penny. Penny's first words are "backstabbing slutbag", so it's going to be a tricky conversation. Penny emphasizes that she's Joanna's best friend. Not Kat. Penny is Joanna's best friend. Kat needs Penny to call Joanna, because she's not answering Kat's calls. Kat leaves, saying "Something is wrong. I can feel it." Penny goes with her.
Roxie shows off Bun's stereotypical witch costume, and Bun asks if she really used to wear that stuff and, if so, she was stupid. Roxie laughs this off, because she's still in a good mood about saving Darryl's life. Because there's no way the statue could have killed someone else. Mia comes in to complain that talking to Josh was a terrible idea. Then Chad comes in to yell at Roxie about not doing anything when Darryl fired him. Chad is also sick of listening to Roxie and Darryl banter all day. He stomps out without even answering her question about whether he'll be picking her up for the bonfire.
Kat and Penny arrive at Joanna's place. She's missing and they're worried. Penny calls the police. She's got a good eye for detail, since she can tell that the ice cream has been melting for one or two hours. Unfortunately, Joanna has not been missing for 24 hours. Kat says to tell the police that she has been missing 24 hours, which you'll have to admit is logical thinking. Unfortunately, Penny already told them about the ice cream. So the cops will not be participating. Kat finds Joanna's keys in her purse and says they should go get Roxie. Penny thinks even less of Roxie than she does of Kat, so she goes off to find Joanna on her own.
Joanna is now tied to something in a garage as she watches Pastor Dunn perform woodwork. He's drilling some wood, which you're welcome to interpret as some sort of Freudian symbol. Joanna sees something that looks like a giant chisel and uses her new Jedi powers to bring it closer to her. As Dunn continues his drilling, she quickly chisels the ropes and tiptoes ... farther into the garage. Dunn sees her! She hits him in the face with a chain! Then he throws her against a pillar and she slumps to the ground unconscious. That was productive.
Bun is dressed in her stereotypical witch outfit and musing about maybe started a new, cool life. Kat rushes in, recaps the Joanna situation, and demands that Roxie go into a trance and find Joanna. Right now! But that's not how Roxie's visions work. Kat panics about kissing Will while Bun looks through Joanna's purse. She drops the keys, because they feel like they're on fire. Fire! Roxie and Kat jump to the conclusion that the bonfire will be involved and rush out, leaving Bun to do whatever NPCs do when the player characters are busy.
Penny is performing actual police-type work, walking down the street and showing Joanna's picture to people to see if they've seen her. They have not. She runs across Jamie and sits down next to him in an empty cafe. Penny admits that she should have checked the facts more carefully, since she's the fact-checker. Oh! So that's what Penny does! Anyway, Penny leaves on her quest, on slightly better terms with Jamie.
Bun wakes up in Roxie's place. And Darryl is watching her. Gah! She tells him that he shouldn't be here, and he tries to make her define "here". In Eastwick? In the house? He accuses her of having her memory and leans in to strangle Bun. But just then! Enter Mia, dressed as Raggedy Ann. She asks Darryl how he got in, and he makes up an excuse and leaves. Bun leaves with Mia.
Joanna is inside a coffin! And there are a lot of holes drilled in the top, so at least she can breathe. Her mouth is duct-taped shut, but not very well. She screams, and we zoom out to show that her coffin is on top of the bonfire, which has already started. I wonder how Pastor Dunn got his coffin onto the pile without anyone noticing. Anyway: peril!
The bonfire is surrounded by a giant party and the song "Disco Inferno". You know, the one that goes "Burn, baby, burn"? Subtle! So no one can hear Joanna's screams. Mia and Bun walk through the crowd and Josh shows up. He's shocked to see Mia in a costume, and she assures him that she'd even go trick-or-treating if it would make him forgive her. They kiss.
The fire continues. Say, where the hell are Roxie and Kat? They left before Bun even fell asleep, and it was daytime then. Oh! Here they are now, already giving up on finding Joanna in the crowd. But they see Pastor Dunn, suspiciously glaring at the bonfire. He ignores them as they ask if he's seen Joanna, and he says they're too late. Only he says it ominously, like "You're TOO LATE." Then Roxie decides that the friend-with-statue that Bun meant must be Joanna because there's a statue nearby. Roxie realizes that Joanna must be in one of the coffins! Kat wants to climb the burning pyre, but Roxie stops her. Roxie goes off to stop the fire (...somehow) and wants Kat to talk to the Sheriff. Kat agrees, but then walks toward the bonfire with a determined look.
Jamie is alone in his room, because he never comes down for the festivals. He looks through an old book and puts a talisman of some sort in an envelope.
Roxie finds some firemen, but they don't seem to want to put out the fire. They assure her it's safe, and then there's some comedy where they can't understand her because the music's so loud. So she says "My friend's in the fire!" but they hear "I have a flat tire." That sort of thing. It's a classic!