This Is The Way The World Ends…

S06E12

Stranded in the water miles off shore, Dexter thinks he's going to die, but he's rescued at the last minute and makes it back to Miami. Since he thinks Colin Hanks is long gone (with no particular basis for that, I feel compelled to point out), he brings Jamie and Harrison back to the house, with both the solar eclipse and the pageant only a day away. Deb, thinking that Dexter had an accident on his boat, comes to see her shirtless brother and slobber love all over him and GROSS, and then they get a call to the home of the couple that Colin Hanks murdered most recently, in which Dexter is of course first person in so he can obliterate the Dexmaster face before anyone else sees it, which is completely preposterous. However, Dexter notices a drawing Colin Hanks left behind of the eclipse, and wonders if he can exploit the fact that Colin Hanks thinks he's dead. But this point is a double-edged sword, as since Colin Hanks has Dexter's wallet and keys and thinks he's dead, he decides to hide out at his place.

Before we go any further, let's mop up the other silly plots: Greene asks Masuka if he can stay on permanently, which leads to Masuka telling him he's not good enough, which is possibly the most hilarious thing that's ever been said on this show. Also, Deb takes a good guess as to where Colin Hanks is going to be for the eclipse, and with her speculation and Colin Hanks's drawing Dexter figures out exactly where it is. And, LaGuerta does some actual police work, which is kind of amazing, and leads them all to realize that Colin Hanks is going to make a sacrifice. Oh, and Deb really is in love with Dexter, like EW, SAINT THERAPIST.

At Dexter's place, Colin Hanks discovers Harrison's existence (without killing Jamie, thankfully) and learns about the pageant. He succeeds in kidnapping Harrison and taking him to the appointed place, with Dexter in hot pursuit, of course. Dexter invokes his Beast-ness in getting Colin Hanks to forego killing Harrison, but Colin Hanks has Dexter inject himself with his own needle in return for sparing Harrison's life. But of course, Dexter faked him out and captures him, and seriously, I think the Scenes From Week about this bit were longer than it played out in reality. Anyway, after Dexter returns Harrison to Jamie's care, he has a verbal dance with Colin Hanks right before he kills him…witnessed by Deb. Okay, that should have happened a year ago, but I still didn't see that coming, so one good thing happened this season, at least.

Check out this interview with Colin Hanks, courtesy of Hulu's The Morning After show:

It's night out on the water, and a shivering, ashen Dexter hangs on to a small piece of the exploded rowboat as DVO fatalistically opines that it's fitting for him to die in the same place he left so many others. And are they going to give you a stern talking-to when your corpse floats down to them, Dexter. Night turns to day, and DVO continues by wondering whether the world will be a better place without him, but, after the piece of wood to which he's been clinging finally gives up the ghost and sinks down, he kind of answers his own question by saying he's going to miss watching his son grow up.

Exhausted, Dexter sinks down, resigned to this being the end, but when he pops back up, he sees a boat coming toward him; soon, he's being hauled onto it, in shock at his good fortune as much as at his near miss. A woman tells him in broken English that he's lucky, and that God is looking out for him, and Dexter isn't too tired to raise his atheist eyebrows at her.

Later, after Dexter's gotten some shut-eye, a man who seems like the captain, or at least the driver, pulls a gun and starts shaking everyone (they're Cuban refugees, odds are) down, but keeping his back turned to the white dude who almost drowned turns out not to be as safe a move as he thought, nor is threatening to kill a pregnant lady, because this gives Dexter all the Code sanctioning he needs to pick up a fishing spear and run the guy through. Everyone's like, thanks? Hilariously, Dexter tells them they're safe, and then heads up to drive the boat...

...and soon, they're in shallow enough water off the coast of Miami that everyone swims for it, and given that they've all got their luggage wrapped in plastic, I'd guess they anticipated this part. Probably happy it was only a few hundred yards. As he staggers onto the beach, DVO says since Colin Hanks said it's finished, he has no way to find him, so he's going home to Harrison. I'd point out that Dexter's not taking the whole End of the World thing into account, really, but he's had a rough twenty-four hours, so I'll let it slide. (I will point out, though, how terrific it is that the physical exertion of STAYING AFLOAT FOR AN ENTIRE DAY didn't seem to bring on any more dizziness. That would have been inconvenient!) On the beach, Dexter exhaustedly asks some dude if he can borrow his phone, and it would have been awesome if he'd charged Dexter a quarter.

Colin Hanks is watching, of course, the local news, which tells us that the solar eclipse is the day. Colin Hanks is drawing something on a paper bag when he looks up and...berates the corpses on the floor for smelling bad. Ha ha...ha?

By Couch Baron

Dexter is waiting somewhere when Harrison appears, accompanied by Jamie, who's like, "I cannot believe you fell off your boat and swam to shore!" That's good thinking, Jamie. I can't believe it either. Dexter is most adorably thrilled to see his son...

...and then they're arriving home, with Jamie having to let them in since Dexter lost his keys, wallet and phone. Yikes! That's a lot of busy work to make himself whole again. And Harrison's cute and all, but once again, they wouldn't be showing him toddle into the apartment for twenty seconds if they had sufficient story to work with. Homeland had more tension in one minute than this finale has in its entirety. (If you want another indication, I've done about three hundred recaps for TWoP, and I banged this one out more quickly than any other one, and by a lot, too.) Anyway, Dexter scarfs down a banana and some water as Jamie tells him he's lucky, and then reminds him about the pageant before she leaves. Dexter and Harrison then play for a while, and it's super-cute, of course. Later, lying in bed, he tells Harrison that if God or some force saved him that day, he's sure it was for Harrison, and I guess Harrison is young enough that there's no danger of him bringing this up years later all, "What did you mean by that?"

Colin Hanks bangs the legs off a table and menacingly grabs a knife and...an apple, and then puts some things in a basket and tells himself, "Today's the day," like what a POINTLESS scene, and then we have to see him going to his car and putting the basket in his car and getting in his car and driving his car away, and with how little of consequence happens in this SEASON FINALE, I can't imagine how tough it must have been for the editor not to have made the cut come in at eleven minutes.

Deb barges into Dexter's apartment where OF COURSE he's just putting his shirt on, and she hugs him and cries and slobbers all over him and it's gross. I mean, of course she's upset because she heard his boat washed ashore and he wasn't answering his phone, but let the man put his shirt on, Deb. She tells him she loves him, and he returns the sentiment in those words, and then she's stunned because he never said it before and EW. Her phone then rings, and I'd like to believe it's editorializing about the fact that she's been hugging him for like three minutes, but it's actually news of a double murder with blood evidence, so Dexter goes to finish getting ready, at which point Deb looks like she needs a post-hug cigarette. Gross!

By Couch Baron

When Dexter gets to the scene, Batista tells him they've been waiting on him, which is RIDICULOUS, like at least Masuka would have gone in, when have they EVER waited for Dexter and they would ALWAYS search the entirety of the premises for more victims, anyone alive, etc., but of course the story can't permit them to go in and see the Dexmaster painting, which is so inconsequential they never should have done it in the first place. God! It's maddening how lazy the writers are. When Dexter gets in and sees the painting, he of course realizes it was Colin Hanks's handiwork, and then spies a hammer lying nearby and raises an eyebrow...

...and then Quinn shows up late LIKE ANYONE CARES, and then they all go in without Dexter having told them to so WHAT WAS THE POINT OF LETTING HIM GO IN FIRST, and Batista wonders why Colin Hanks would have smashed in the Beast's face, and Dexter's like, no idea, let me go photograph the victims, which you'd think I would have been doing in the ten minutes I was in here alone, no? Then Deb finds him and thinks he's giving her the eye and EW, and then Deb tries to get her hormones under control and concentrate on work, but she can't, so she decides to go back to the office. Maybe a cold shower on the way, too. Dexter then notices something in the trash and fishes out the drawing Colin Hanks did, like, I don't know what the point of him doing it was if he was just going to throw it out, but anyway, it seems to depict a tall building and the eclipse. DVO realizes that maybe Colin Hanks isn't finished, and adds that his one advantage is that Colin Hanks thinks he's dead...

...but we'll see that that cuts both ways. Colin Hanks apparently was going to return to the crime scene, which makes no sense given the pointless scene from before, but it does give us another chance to see his No Dessert Face when he catches sight of the cops. He pulls over and wonders what to do now, and then bites into that apple WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE, and we see him chewing on the damn thing for five seconds. In the season finale. Finally, though, he gets an idea -- since he's got Dexter's wallet and keys and the dude is dead, because what kind of contrivances would have had to come together for him not to be, why not crash at his place for a while? Of course, you'd think it might be risky to turn up to the place of someone recently deceased and as such might be overrun with cops, but I suppose he's fairly light on options. On the other hand, the eclipse is in only a few hours and he still needs a sacrifice, right? Oh, was I not supposed to notice that?

At Little Rock Metro, Greene notes that the last day of his internship is coming up, and wonders if there's any way he could stay on permanently. Masuka tells him that they're an elite crew, and... I'm sorry, I dislocated something laughing so hard. Yeah, you're so fucking elite that Greene had to save you from the Horrific Nightmare Of An Intern, Masuka. Just totally fucking first-rate, there. Other terrible work follows in the form of an indescribably embarrassing Yoda imitation, but as an afterthought, he says maybe he'll throw Greene some consulting work, so I guess we'll be seeing him season. Greene then looks across the office at Dexter, not for the first time this scene, so I guess Deb's got some competition. THANK GOD.

Deb has some pictures of the Lake of Fire tableau, taken by some dude in an airplane, and now that I think of it, weren't the tableaus meant to be seen on a grand scale? I guess after the wormwood fiasco, there wasn't that much point. Everyone thinks that means Colin Hanks is just sitting around waiting for the eclipse, which is only four hours away, but Deb thinks she has an idea, and calls everyone over to her desk and swallows hard when Dexter is close to her and OH MY GOD HAVE YOU NO DIGNITY AT ALL? The sketch is of the two Witnesses, with what Batista thinks is a dog, atop a mountain watching the eclipse, and Deb theorizes this means Colin Hanks will be finding one of the highest points in Miami from which to take it in. I'd point out that Colin Hanks following EJO's drawings doesn't necessarily seem like a given now that we know Colin Hanks KILLED HIM, but it turns out she's right, and anyway, I'm exhausted. Deb declares her intention to request police on the rooftops of every tall building in Miami, but Dexter takes another look at the drawing and realizes that Colin Hanks's rendition of it is a little different. And not just because it only has one Witness!

In Dexter's office, DVO recalls that Colin Hanks told him he'd be standing atop "a shining pillar of light," and Dexter does some online research and quickly guesses he's going to be at a particular solar-powered building. Deb then comes in and after being gross for a bit tells him he needs to do a final forensics sweep on the DDK church so they can clear it, and Dexter tells her he'll do it after Harrison's pageant. Deb's then awkward and gulpy again and asks if they need to talk since he did just almost die, but he tells her he's okay, and calls her "Sis," like THANKS FOR THAT.

Batista tells Quinn he's putting in for a transfer for him, since Quinn's too much of a liability. Quinn's contrite and mature about the whole thing, of course. (Just wanted to see if you were still reading.)

Deb is showing LaGuerta the sketchbook and explaining her theory. When she gets to the part about the cops on the roofs, LaGuerta reflexively balks as she does a mental calculation of the manpower involved, but then signs off on the idea. Deb thinks LaGuerta is just setting her up to fail so she can fire her, but LaGuerta tells her that everything she does, she does for the good of the department, and of all the boring things on this show, LaGuerta ping-ponging between being a stone cold bitch and being not quite a stone cold bitch has to be in the top three.

Colin Hanks turns up to Dexter's and uses his key, picking up a package outside while he's at it, which we know contains the Ice Truck Killer hand. He checks the place out -- God, Dexter, that is one tacky-ass bedspread -- and picks out a denim shirt of Dexter's, although if he's going to change clothes you'd think he'd take the opportunity for a shower too. Then we see him eating cereal, in what I feel compelled to remind you again is the SEASON FINALE, and THEN he takes his knife and slices open the box and takes a look at the hand, but then he hears Jamie's voice coming from the adjoining apartment, so he hides in the bedroom. She doesn't notice anything suspicious, although the fact that Colin Hanks's knife is too big to fit in the butcher block is curious if you think about it, and then we see interminable shots of Colin Hanks walking down the hall and checking out the other apartment before finally intoning, "So the Beast has a son." He sees a flyer for the pageant...

...to which we cut. Harrison, of course, looks adorable in his lion costume, and Dexter joins him and puts on his own mask and growls, scaring a nearby kid. Heh. Cut to the kids and adults walking two by two into the Ark, and that's pretty good set construction for a parochial budget. All the people in the audience take pictures, none more enthusiastically than Jamie...

...while Deb sends the troops out. Quinn then tells Batista he talked to his union rep and he's planning to claim he's an alcoholic and get help, which will prevent him from being transferred or fired and who cares.

At the command center they've set up, Deb muses that she still doesn't get the dog in the photo, and LaGuerta, of all people, is the one that suggests it might be something else -- maybe a lamb? Everyone recalls the sacrificial lamb in the EJO art installation, and after Greene pulls up photos LaGuerta sees that it had an omega but no alpha on it. Deb realizes the symbol's significance and wonders if Colin Hanks might have one more kill to take care of...

...so she calls Dexter, who steps out of the room to talk to her. He recalls that in the drawing, one of the Witnesses has a sword. When Deb tells him that the lamb in the drawing could represent an innocent of some kind, Dexter's head snaps back toward Harrison in alarm, and he gets off the phone, because the kid is gone. If you're wondering how long Dexter was on the phone, the answer is about forty seconds, by the way. Not going to bother commenting, just letting you know the facts. Dexter learns from one of the nuns that Harrison left with a man wearing the lion's mask, and again, I'm not going to bother discussing the improbabilities. Too close to the Omega of this season here. Dexter rushes outside, but of course in forty seconds of walking at a pace a two-year-old could keep up with, Colin Hanks is out of sight.

Miles away, apparently, Colin Hanks, now unmasked and walking down the street in broad daylight holding a kid's hand with a whole city looking for him, is singing a little ditty about God's children as he and Harrison approach the solar building...

...which does have a policeman on top of it. However, when said policeman sees Harrison scampering around and goes after him, he gets Colin Hanks's sword to his face. Honestly, Colin Hanks, I don't know how you expect to get into heaven if you keep going off book like that.

Deb is doing her check-ins with the cops on the roofs; at first the solar building doesn't answer, but Colin Hanks is there to give an all clear into the walkie-talkie. You'd think they might have some sort of code in anticipation of situations like this, but, well, you know what I'm going to say by now. As the eclipse comes, Colin Hanks stands by his little sacrificial basket and claims he's the Alpha and Omega, and raises his sword to end Harrison's short life -- but Dexter appears and yells at him to stop. Colin Hanks is momentarily stunned, and Dexter wonders how the world can end if the Beast is still alive. Colin Hanks agrees that it can't, so Dexter suggests he take Harrison's place. Colin Hanks instructs him to take out one of his needles and says he'll put Harrison on the elevator down to safety if Dexter injects himself, and Dexter agrees, trying to reassure a now-crying Harrison that it's going to be all right. When the elevator comes, Dexter appears to inject himself, and he topples over; surprisingly, Colin Hanks keeps his word and lets Harrison leave. But of course, when Colin Hanks comes over to Dexter to kill him just as the eclipse occurs, Dexter grabs him and knocks him out. I don't know if Dexter faked the injection or if, more likely, he chose a needle lacking any tranquilizer, but it's pretty weak of Colin Hanks to be taken in like that. He thought Dexter was literally the Devil; you'd think he'd be wary of some tricks. Dexter rushes over to the elevator and gets Harrison, who obviously is too young to figure out the buttons, and man, can that poor kid stop having to endure traumas like this?

At the command center, this time the solar building fails to check in, so Deb and her team rush off. They find the officer's corpse but, of course, fail to turn Colin Hanks up, and Deb is despondent at her apparent failure. She steps away to go to pieces in some measure of privacy, but LaGuerta goes over to tell her she made the right call and assures her Deb will find Colin Hanks, adding that Deb will be a great Lieutenant if she learns to prioritize and act with less emotion. She urges Deb to take control, and it's a nice enough speech but see above for my feelings on LaGuerta's behavior.

Dexter stops home, taking a moment to re-dose Colin Hanks with animal tranquilizer and kind of hilariously wonder about him wearing his shirt, and then drops Harrison off with Jamie, saying he's got to take care of the crime scene for Deb but won't be too late. I think you may eat those words, Dexter. He cutely tells Harrison that he loves him no matter whether he's a lion or a lamb, and then DVO adds that maybe love is all he needs to pass on to his son. Aww.

At Carson City Metro, Deb barges into Saint Therapist's office and informs her she told Dexter she loves him. She asks if this is horribly wrong, and instead of using smoke signals, semaphore flags, and every other form of communication possible to say "YES, GOD DAMN YOU, YES!" Saint Therapist merely asks if it feels wrong, and instead of doing what I just suggested Deb says she's always been avoiding the fact that she's in love with Dexter, and she wants him to understand. Well, good luck with that, and by that I mean bad luck with that. Bad, terrible luck with that.

Colin Hanks, on Dexter's table, starts to come to and woozily greets Jesus, but Dexter stepping into frame wakes him up in a hurry. Dexter intones that this is the way the world ends, and given how culturally removed Dexter always seems, I wonder if the line is a coincidence rather than a quotation of The Hollow Men. Colin Hanks yells about bringing about the end of the world, but Dexter, dripping with contempt, says he's known men of faith before, and they would never have used religion as an excuse to commit multiple murders. Colin Hanks spits that Dexter is a great example of how putrid man has become, but Dexter diffidently replies that he's a father, a son and a serial killer, making the sign of the cross as he utters the words, which scores him points in my book.

Colin Hanks claims Dexter will burn in hell, but, as Dexter takes his blood sample in the usual way, he easily counters that he belongs right where they are. "Because maybe there is a place for me in this world. Just as I am." Dexter goes back to the theme of light and dark, fairly tiresomely, but then picks up Colin Hanks's sword and tells him he knows the world will be a better place without him. Colin Hanks babbles some more about believing in God's plan, but Dexter notes that by that logic, God wants Colin Hanks to die on Dexter's table, and then snarls that God has nothing to do with any of this.

By Couch Baron

And at this moment, DEB OPENS THE DOOR. Colin Hanks yells that this isn't how it's supposed to be, but Dexter demurs before stabbing him in the heart -- drawing a gasp from Deb, who's witnessed the whole thing. Dexter breathes "Oh, God," which I guess is supposed to be funny or poignant or something else that it's not, and we're out. And I'll give the show an infinitesimal amount of credit for taking a drastic step to move the story forward, but honestly, Dexter has become such a sloppy character that a moment like this was long overdue, and he's lucky the person who discovered him is someone who might be conflicted about turning him in.

So on that note, I will bid this horrible season the best of riddances, and say thanks so much to you all for reading. And if you want to catch me in a much more favorable mood, join me when Mad Men comes back on the air.

John Ramos is a writer and film producer living in Los Angeles. Believe it or not, he's worked with Michael C. Hall, as well as Lucy Liu and Peter Fonda, on his film "The Trouble With Bliss," (formerly "East Fifth Bliss") which will be in theaters in March 2012 and about which you can get information here.

Also, he writes about film and television on his blog "Pull Up A Chair," which he would just love for you to visit. And you can follow him on Twitter here.