I'm actually embarrassed to try to explain the logic of this one even in recaplet form, but after Dexter discovers the same kill wound in EJO as in the Doomsday victims, Colin Hanks sees Dexter hovering over EJO's body and locks him in the basement. He is then kind enough to have a conversation in front of the basement window with Tyler Durden in which we learn that it was Colin Hanks, not EJO, who was the real Revelations freak, and when EJO told him he needed help, he killed him. However, this information comes from Tyler Durden, whom Colin Hanks basically tells to eff off, so…after he had himself convinced that he was doing all this stuff because of Tyler Durden, now, just as Dexter learns the truth, he decides he doesn't need him anymore? Sure. Dexter then gets so obsessed with catching Colin Hanks himself that he cuts off EJO's dead hand and uses it to put his prints all over the church, and then…decides to keep the hand in the morgue, rather than dump it in the swamp? I…okay?
After the police finally get to the church (really considerate of them to take an entire day to show up when it was close enough to be in visual range of the wifi source), they all see from the paintings that the tableau is going to involve wormwood. Meanwhile, Colin Hanks mines EJO's blog for disciples (I'm glad all these freaks have Vimeo accounts) and finds a guy pledging his loyalty to EJO, so Colin Hanks goes to meet him and his wife, who are total zombified religious nuts he has no problem convincing to help him.
Everyone learns that Colin Hanks has a history of psychosis and even might have killed his parents, and then thanks to an unwitting assist from Deb, Dexter realizes that Colin Hanks is going to go back after Holly, the original Whore he let go, and tracks her to her rich boyfriend's boat, the Ricochet Rabbit. Unfortunately, Colin Hanks and his zombies get there first by hours (given what Dexter went through to find her, how they could possibly have tracked her down, and that quickly, is totally beyond comprehension) and kill her; the good news is that Dexter follows and stabs an assailant in a hazmat suit – only it's Zombie Husband for some reason. After Dexter realizes that wormwood is going to come in the form of poison gas, he finally caves and calls the police. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to him, Greene gives Batista a lead about the Zombie Freaks' posts, so Batista goes to investigate (sans Quinn, who's drunk as usual) and questions Zombie Wife, leading to Colin Hanks knocking him out. Of course, there are two episodes left, so he's surely safe enough for now.
Oh, and Matthews invites Deb out to dinner, but before that happens, she gets hold of the dead call girl's effects and figures out that Matthews was the john. I feel like I've been doing this long enough that the "you know, if anyone cares" should be understood.
We start right where we left off, and Dexter crunchily moves EJO's frozen arm out of the way to reveal a familiar-looking kill wound, while upstairs, Colin Hanks and his big sword move to the trap door. By the way, I didn't address this last week, but I'm not sure why Colin Hanks would have preserved EJO's corpse rather than disposing of it, but again, the writers obviously couldn't think of any credible way to reveal that EJO was dead. When Colin Hanks sees Dexter standing over the corpse, he looks shocked, as if he thinks Dexter killed him, although if he's under the impression he was just talking to EJO a few minutes ago, I'm not sure how he accounts for EJO's corpse being FROZEN SOLID. As if to clear things up, Dexter accusingly tells Colin Hanks that he, Colin Hanks, killed EJO, and Colin Hanks's response is to screw up his face like he was just told he will not be having dessert this evening before closing and locking the trapdoor on Dexter.
Colin Hanks then goes outside and, conveniently in full view of Dexter, has a little chat with Tyler Durden in which the latter tells him that he did, in fact, kill him, and then Harry makes a "joke" about how funny it is that Colin Hanks talks to someone who isn't there, like, we've seen extensive evidence that Dexter does not, in fact, talk to Harry, that the chats we see are representations of Dexter's inner monologue, but the show has twisted its own internal logic so far that pretzels everywhere are jealous.
Anyway, it obviously makes absolutely no sense for Tyler Durden to flip the script and start acting like Colin Hanks's Jiminy Cricket rather than his Svengali, but I'm guessing this is the end of the fantastically stupid and contrived, both thematically and plot-wise, EJO storyline, so there's that, at least. So, to get this wrapped up: Colin Hanks went to EJO with the Revelator sword, which got EJO canned; EJO then told Colin Hanks that his claims that the two of them were the Witnesses showed that he was delusional and needed help, whereupon Colin Hanks tried to prove that EJO couldn't be hurt by stabbing him with the sword. You'd think a university professor might have been like, "Um, maybe try it on yourself first?" Anyway, Tyler Durden opens his shirt to show that he's bleeding from the wound, as if that makes any sense, but even less probable is Colin Hanks trying to deny it and telling off Tyler Durden, adding that he'll get some new disciples that will help him. Dexter, of course, has been observing all this instead of maybe trying to get out of there and grab Colin Hanks while he's having this little exchange, but once Colin Hanks has safely departed the scene, Dexter's like, durr, I have to stop him, and takes about three seconds to break out.
There's also a conversation with Harry about Mos Def and faith and other bullshit, and Dexter says the F-word before getting a text from Deb, telling him the police are canvassing a one-mile radius around the IP address from EJO's blog, like, (a), why would she bother telling Dexter that if he's not involved in the search, and (b) THEY SHOULD HAVE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING COP IN MIAMI ON THIS! As we'll see, it's going to end up taking them at least, I would say, sixteen hours to make it to the ABANDONED CHURCH, which was within visual range of the circle's midpoint and also, you'd think, MIGHT MAKE A GOOD HIDEOUT. This show, seriously, and its glaring deficiencies in logic and continuity wouldn't be so apparent if the pacing weren't glacial.
Harry claims that the police are "closing in," like, that's not exactly how I'd put it, guy, but he does suggest that Dexter might want to get out of the way and let the police handle this. Dexter, however, does not want to hear this, and then decides that if the cops find EJO, they'll focus their hunt on Colin Hanks, so he's going to dispose of EJO's corpse, which MAKES NO SENSE and THIS IS PAINFUL and Colin Hanks DEPARTED THE SCENE NOT FIVE MINUTES AGO AND ALSO DIDN'T HAVE A CAR, don't you think it might be worth TRYING TO CATCH HIM NOW INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT THIS BULLSHIT? No, not only does Dexter not do that, but he cuts off EJO's hand so he can leave his fingerprints all over the scene, like yes, that is definitely an efficient use of his time.
As he carries out his grisly plan, he muses that all he has to do is finish this up and then strike the kill room, and he really so much deserves for the police to walk in on him right at this moment. I mean, it's not like he'd have any notice, and also his car is still parked outside for them to stumble upon, but sure, take your time, Dexter. Also, Dexter decides that EJO's hand helped him once, so he'll just stash it in the morgue for a rainy day, like AUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH how does that make ANY sense? And he didn't even take the opportunity to say that it might "come in handy" down the line! If I give this episode another F, it's because the first eight minutes earned a Z. (Actually, I'm only upping the grade to a D because I liked the Deb stuff this week -- everything else made excrement smell good by comparison.)
It's morning -- MORNING -- by the time Dexter makes it to the Colon, and finds Colin Hanks's laptop, like, of course he'd have left it on and logged in so Dexter can post as the administrator, and he writes that he was wrong and "this" was all the Devil's errand. Meanwhile, Colin Hanks has gone to something called an "Internet café" and is also checking the blog, as if he wouldn't have logged in as EJO himself, and looks at all the video comments (as IF) and comes across one we saw last week from a "Doomsday_Adam," so I guess "Doomsday Adam" was already taken. Doomsday_Adam, a lazy-eyed freak, pledges his support to EJO, so Colin Hanks sends him an email, which, if I understand correctly, is how Jesus recruited the Apostles as well. While he's waiting for a response, he sees Dexter's lame post, and instead of taking it down, he replies "to the False Prophet" that he's "not fooling anyone." Of course, he's just going to sound like a crackpot commenter, but there is no way I can care...
...because the police are just now checking out the church, which GOOD WORK, especially the part where Deb says Doomsday Killers in an abandoned church is "too fucking perfect," like YOU DON'T SAY. Once she, Batista, and Anderson have cased the place for a bit, Deb has a panic attack...
...while Quinn's just waking up after having passed out in the passenger seat of his car, legs out the window. I mean, honestly.
DVO babbles about figuring out Colin Hanks's kill as Dexter arrives back at the church. Deb intercepts him, and even Dexter notices that she looks out of sorts, so she tells him what happened, and he's the one who has to label it a panic attack, like, wouldn't a cop be familiar with the symptoms? Also, Dexter tells her he had a similar attack in the Ice Truck Killer's room with all the blood, and Deb has to ask why, like I know she's not herself but you'd think she'd still remember about the BLOODY STORAGE UNIT in which Dexter was found. Deb notes that at least Dexter's was logical, and wonders what set her off, prompting Dexter, kind of hilariously, to speculate that she's pregnant, and even though Deb uses "fuck" or a conjugate thereof three times in responding, it's clear that he's succeeded in talking her down, and they head inside...
...where Batista, after sarcastically thanking Quinn for showing up (does he have no supervision outside his partner?), gives a run-down of all the paintings; after the five tableaus that already have been executed, he reaches wormwood, which Anderson says involves a star that crashes to Earth and poisons mankind. Deb then gets a call from Matthews, and when she's off, she quizzically tells Batista that Matthews wants to set up a dinner with her. Batista congratulates her for making it into Matthews's "inner circle," and I'm not sure what he's basing that on, but anyway, Dexter finds a prescription bottle with [Colin Hanks's] name on them and resolves to check them out, but then Deb comes out of nowhere and plucks it out of his hand, much to Dexter's rather poorly-hidden chagrin, not, of course, that Deb notices. Deb calls Anderson over and asks him to check out the lead, and then Dexter checks the blog and sees that Colin Hanks posted that he listened to Dexter once and made a mistake, but he's going to fix it. Dexter isn't sure what he's on about, although since Dexter did go to Colin Hanks's office specifically to congratulate him on turning over a new leaf with respect to the event in question, you'd think he might spend two seconds figuring it out.
In Dexter's doughnut shop, Greene is sucking on Jamie's neck, and kids, don't make me take back my stamp of approval here. Greene then tells her that he'd like to show Dexter his video game to find out what a real blood-spatter analyst thinks of it, but he's intimidated to do so. Jamie tells him that Dexter is really just a big softie, so he should go for it. If there's anyone on this show whose advice ever works out, I'm hard pressed to think of who it might be.
Some female cop runs into Deb in the hallway and hands her the dead call girl's personal effects, and of course LaGuerta just happens to be nearby to overhear this and give Deb some shit about it, and then they head into the briefing, which LaGuerta is running this week so she can have her one scene, and also so she can snot at Deb about how she's pitching in so Deb can concentrate on "other cases." Deb, however, evenly acknowledges that she's the boss (and this is only one example this episode of how great a job Saint Therapist is doing with her) and steps to the side so LaGuerta can...ask everyone to bring her up to speed. Obviously, she has no idea of anything that's been going on, so after about twenty seconds Deb steps forward and asks about the blood in the jars they found (forgot to mention that before, but we've seen that it belongs to Colin Hanks). Dexter confirms that it's Colin Hanks's type, and also matches some of the blood used in the Bowls of Wrath, and Deb speculates that it might also have been the blood that Colin Hanks made Holly Benson drink. Not really sure why this is super-important for her to bring up, but she is showing up LaGuerta so I'll allow it, and also this prompts realization to dawn on Dexter: Holly is the mistake Colin Hanks intends to rectify. After using not-Google to track down Holly's address, he finds Greene trying to get his attention with an offer of doughnuts, but Dexter blows right past him. Rude!
Colin Hanks (he's wearing a hat and dark glasses, by the way, and Dexter, in case you're taking notes, that's called a "disguise") turns up to Doomsday_Adam's place and introduces himself, and Doomsday_Adam practically has his own personal version of JizzFest when he recognizes Colin Hanks. Colin Hanks asks if he minds if he comes in, as "I'm kind of being hunted," and okay, Colin Hanks, you made me giggle there. Doomsday_Adam then calls in his wife "Beth," who looks just as touched in that special place to see Colin Hanks and explains that Doomsday_Adam has been out of work for a while, which I suppose also explains how he has time to record video comments and post them to unheralded blogs. Beth breathlessly asks if EJO will be joining them, and Colin Hanks, again hilariously, is like "Not today," and although this show is terrible I will at least say I'm enjoying Colin Hanks more now that he's ditched the Tyler Durden projection. He also explains about the false prophet, and then when Beth serves up a plate of crackers and Velveeta and apologizes that it's all they have, since Doomsday_Adam has been out of work for a while, Colin Hanks intones that he understands, and magnanimously adds that sometimes it feels like God has forgotten them. You'll notice, however, that he does not eat the Velveeta. Faith in God only goes so far. Anyway, Colin Hanks asks them to trust and obey, and Doomsday_Adam and his lazy eye tell him they're ready. Colin Hanks replies that that's great, "but I need to know that you're fully committed." This would be the part where he'd normally ask for a donation, but again, he's seen the Velveeta.
Dexter breaks into Holly's place, and I can't deal with Harry much at all here, but I do have to point out that one minute he's asking Dexter if he isn't "putting a lot of eggs in the Holly basket," and the he's opining that Colin Hanks is "determined to find her wherever she is." I mean, do they have a different writer for every word that comes out of his mouth? Dexter finds an address for her boyfriend and takes off...
...to an expensive villa-looking place. A surly teenaged girl answers, or she's at least as surly as possible while hosting a pool party for a bunch of friends. She's the boyfriend's daughter, and she tells Dexter that her Dad's in Spain or Portugal or something, and that Holly is her dad's "sex-retary" and also a "total slampig." She speculates that Holly might be on her dad's yacht, which is "probably some kind of fuckpad," and sticks up her middle finger as a message for Dexter to give to Holly. While Dexter goes about his business, can I just stay and have a cocktail with this girl?
Holly's just turning up to the boat, which gets the Ricochet Rabbit episode title, when we see Colin Hanks and his two zombie disciples pull up nearby, like, HOW COULD THEY HAVE FOUND HER? I suppose it's theoretically possible that after the meeting at Doomsday_Adam's house, they went to Holly's place, which Colin Hanks could have taken note of while she was in his custody, and tailed her here, but given how heavily they slather on the exposition normally, I find it hard to believe the writers thought of that and then didn't show it. Also, there's no reason they wouldn't have just taken her at the apartment. Regardless, the three of them quickly get onto the boat and capture Holly, and soon, Colin Hanks has the boat moving.
Batista finds Quinn sleeping at his desk and chews him out, and I DO NOT CARE. Deb and Anderson then join them, and Anderson lets them know that Colin Hanks's psychiatrist passed away a couple years ago, but he got a court order releasing the records, and Colin Hanks was on anti-psychotic medication, as he'd had violent tendencies since childhood, a lack of empathy, and delusions of grandeur -- the shrink even thought he killed his parents. Well, I hate to speak ill of the dead, but how is it that Lisa seemed not to know about any of this? Or maybe she did and was just weird about discussing it, but you'd think she'd at least have inquired as to whether he was keeping up with his medication. Oh, I see, it's all so Deb can note how odd it is that Colin Hanks's sister seemed to think he was a good guy and Dexter can pointedly respond "Maybe she didn't know," like STOP DRAWING CLUMSY, TENOUS PARALLELS BETWEEN YOU AND COLIN HANKS, DEXTER. Not only is it annoying, but, and I hate to say it, Colin Hanks is a lot better at what he does that you've been lately.
Dexter and Harry have a tiresome little bitch session as Dexter tracks down the Ricochet Rabbit, and as he conveniently knows the marina where it's housed, he heads out.
Deb tells Saint Therapist about her freak-out, and Saint Therapist focuses on the significance of the church, realizing that Deb probably associates it with loss, given all the funerals she's been to. Deb then tells Saint Therapist about how Dexter calmed her down, and realizes how Dexter's always there for her, even relating how when she had nightmares as a kid, she'd sneak into Dexter's room and curl up on the floor, and Dexter wouldn't even know she was there. She asks if that's weird, and Saint Therapist, as you'd expect, turns the question around. Deb thinks about it, and then smiles: "Not really. He's my brother. I think it's sweet." Aw, Deb! It's not too late for you! In my book, that is, which is all I care about.
It's night, and the boat is parked, and let's cut to the chase: Beth is initially reluctant, but Colin Hanks tells her they'll be purifying Holly's soul, and after he slits Holly's throat, Doomsday_Adam stabs her. Well, that was lovely.
Meanwhile, Dexter is just getting home, and I'm not sure what urgent errand he's been up to since he figured out what marina to check out. He was leaving the station in a huge hurry; how far away does he live? And how drunk are the writers when they break these episodes? Dexter's chagrined to find Greene there waiting to take Jamie out on a date, as he was hoping she could stay, and they have these things called PHONES, Dexter. I mean, he's had Harrison for a while; he doesn't know the drill of childcare by now? Dexter resigns himself to staying home, and things only get worse for him when Greene corrals him into looking at his game while Jamie puts Harrison down.
So the game is called Homicidal Tendencies, and the twist is that you, the player, can be a serial killer -- Dahmer, Jack The Ripper, the Bay Harbor Butcher. DVO unnecessarily tells us he is the Bay Harbor Butcher, and then correctly tells Greene that his concept is offensive. I mean, yes, there's this, and also the Dexter video game, but even if you're okay with the concept of being a random or fictional serial killer, being able to choose Jeffrey Dahmer is a bridge too far, and I'm disappointed in Greene that he doesn't see that. Not to mention the concept, in my opinion, pales in importance to the game features and playability, so this is just another way to get at Dexter's Seasonal Issues that manages to be both shoehorned and on-the-nose, as he asks who would choose to be a serial killer. I'm with Dexter, though, when he tells Greene that it's a bad idea and he should do something else. Yeah, go back to that awesome Batista representation! Greene is so upset by Dexter's rejection that he actually cancels his date with Jamie and runs home, not that Dexter's opinion really means shit if Greene has sold a bunch of games already and as such should really be running it by buyers, so Jamie resignedly asks if Dexter still needs a sitter...
...and then Dexter hits the marina and discovers that the boat is gone, so he sets off an alarm that gets the security guard out of his office and sneaks in to review the place's camera footage. The guard stopping to have a smoke gives Dexter enough time to see Colin Hanks pulling the Ricochet Rabbit out, so he pulls up the boat's records and sees that it has something called "Sea Tracker" and takes note of the password (seems a little self-defeating for the password to be on the registration)...
...which he's then relaying to someone at Sea Tracker, I guess. He tells the guy on the other end that his girlfriend ran off with his boat and he doesn't want his wife to find out, getting the sympathetic dude to give up the boat's location without the usual protocol of informing the police...
...and thing you know, it's dawn, and it seems really dubious that Colin Hanks would take the boat too far away from Miami, but I don't know how else to explain the fact that Dexter isn't there yet. It must have taken him at least sixteen hours to go from the station to home, then to the marina, then here. I mean, what a joke, right? Unless he decided to crash for the night, but he never does that with a kill in sight. Anyway, on the boat, Colin Hanks, wearing a protective suit and mask, is tending to some chemicals he has cooking in a lab he's constructed on the boat; satisfied with the progress, he takes twin metal canisters out onto the deck and presents them as "wormwood" to Beth and Doomsday_Adam, who, you'll be surprised so learn, simper at him like morons in response. Doomsday_Adam asks if that's it, but Colin Hanks tells him they have to cover their tracks, as the world won't end if they go to jail without finishing their tasks. Well, it might anyway, but then they wouldn't get their seventy-two virgins. (Wrong religion?)
Deb checks the dead call girl's stuff and does some POLICE WORK (shocking, I know) involving a card from a flower shop to figure out that Matthews was her regular john. She's like, fuuuuuuuck, and it's hard to blame her, but when she calls Dexter, he has to tell her he's got some personal business. She, however, is cool with waiting until he gets there, adding that she knows he's got her back when it counts. Dexter's like right, gotta go...
...while Batista notices Greene being all sad puppy about his stupid game and don't make me start hating you too, and also I'm surprised that Batista would go out of his way to chat with Greene since he was willing to call his own sister a two-dollar whore rather than have him date her, but Greene is happy to talk to someone -- he's found a post from Doomsday_Adam at his home talking about how he and his wife have been chosen to be soldiers in the final battle. So not only did they track down Holly, implausible as that already was, but they waited to do so until Doomsday_Adam recorded yet another stupid video comment? I'm amazed, truly. Batista agrees that the guy seems batshit enough to be worth checking out, and Greene goes the extra mile by providing Batista with Doomsday_Adam's real name and address. Batista compliments his work, prompting Greene to whine after he's gone that it's nice that someone appreciates him, like, first off, you've got a nice, hot girlfriend who puts out, and I also must say that it comes off as a little desperate to be so jazzed about a compliment from a dude who CALLED YOUR GIRLFRIEND A TWO-DOLLAR WHORE TO TRY TO STOP YOU FROM DATING HER.
With his stupid Trans Am parked in front of Doomsday_Adam's place, Batista gets Quinn's voicemail for, apparently, the fourth time, and then, unwilling to wait any longer, heads to the door. He couldn't get someone else to back him up? I understand his frustration with Quinn, believe me, but if you're so worried about his rep just say he's ill. Don't go into a potentially hostile environment alone, right? I can't believe Batista would be quite so stupid as to do this. Also, BETH ALREADY GOT BACK TO MIAMI WHEN IT TOOK DEXTER LIKE TWELVE HOURS TO GET TO THE BOAT? She and the boys didn't even have their car! But yes, Beth answers and is shifty as hell, but, under pressure, lets Batista in...
...while Dexter has FINALLY gotten to the boat. He sees someone in a hazmat suit and heads in to attack, but when he tries to hit him with his usual needle, the guy sees him coming, and a struggle ensues that ends with Dexter stabbing him in the heart. However, as a newborn baby called to inform me, it's actually Doomsday_Adam, not that it makes any sense for his wife to have gone with Colin Hanks instead of staying here to help him. When Dexter takes off Doomsday_Adam's mask, Doomsday_Adam tells him he's too late before expiring, and Dexter is not too happy that things still haven't been set right. All I can say is, there are still two episodes to go, my man.
Batista is obviously skeptical when Beth tells him Doomsday_Adam's videos were meant as a joke, but is ready to let it go with a warning until, on his way out, he notices a bunch of books by EJO on the shelf. And he obviously isn't expecting any violence from Beth, but still, wouldn't you turn around just to be sure if you're going to make a statement linking her to a serial killer? Batista gets what he deserves as Colin Hanks appears and knocks him out with -- I'll give him style points for this -- the large wooden cross that was on the wall, and while Beth is freaked out that they've got a cop on their hands, Colin Hanks thinks that this is a sign -- God wants them to stage wormwood at Miami Metro. Well, if this leads to some thinning of the series-regular herd, I'm going to root for Colin Hanks to stick around a little longer.
On the boat, Dexter pulls up the anchor and finds Holly's corpse but no sign of wormwood, and then, out of understandable frustration with yet another stupid, circular conversation with Harry, kicks a garbage bag, spilling its contents -- two chemicals which, when combined, produce poison gas. Dexter realizes that a whole mess of people could die now, and, despite throwing Harry's hand off his shoulder, which always happens when you're having an internal conversation, he concedes defeat, calls 911, and gives the boat's address along with the information that the DDK suspects are hiding out there, and they have poison gas. A pretty lame way to end another awful episode, but in the scenes to come, I think I saw a shot of a painting depicting Dexter as the devil, which was kind of hilarious? I have to find my fun somewhere.
John Ramos is a writer and film producer living in Los Angeles. Believe it or not, he's worked with Michael C. Hall, as well as Lucy Liu and Peter Fonda, on his film "The Trouble With Bliss," (formerly "East Fifth Bliss") which will be in theaters in March 2012 and about which you can get information here.
Also, he writes about film and television on his blog "Pull Up A Chair," which he would just love for you to visit. And you can follow him on Twitter here.