The episode starts with a wounded Dexter wandering around a deserted warehouse area. He looks like he’s in trouble. But, then, we see him call 911 and ask for assistance. He tells them that he has been stabbed. But, really, he was just looking for a clever way to get to some EMT workers who had been letting people die for profit. There are lots of moving parts in that scenario, but Dexter seemed to make it work just fine. He kills them with defibrillators.
Angel’s sister Jamie is Harrison’s new nanny. She’s gorgeous. Dex and Deb interview at a Catholic school where they would like Harrison to matriculate. It’s revealed that Dexter isn’t Catholic and he says that he doesn’t believe in anything. Meanwhile, Laguerta is promoted to Captain. She seemed oddly chummy with Deputy Chief Matthews on the dais and it seems she blackmailed him into her position by finding out that he was featured in a book of clients for a big time madam. Score. It also appears that Laguerta and Angel got a divorce in our time away. She has recommended Angel to take over her job.
Dexter goes to his 20 year high school reunion, mostly to get this guy who was super popular and who he suspects killed his wife -- a girl from high school who was also super popular and also nice. He goes to the reunion and finds out that he was a lot more well-known than he thought he was. He even gets a BJ from a pretty girl. He finds the guy and kills him, though not without having to play touch football (really poorly) first. Dexter playing touch football is one hundred percent the highlight of this episode.
Meanwhile, Colin Hanks and Edward James Olmos are in a boat in a swamp looking for a pregnant snake. Then, they sneak up on some guy selling fruit by the side of the road. When the man is found, baby snakes had been sewn into his body. Gross. Colin Hanks is crazy and our guest for the season.
Deb is at a restaurant with Quinn and he’s clearly about to propose when an armed dude comes in and starts shooting. Deb saves the day while Quinn is in the restroom. Dexter goes back to the school and tells the admissions lady that he wants Harrison to have exposure to God and stuff. The lady says that they will do their best to find a place for him.
We begin with the mother of all "Previously on Dexter"s. It's Dexter and Dexter in a nutshell, with Prado, Arthur and Lumen featuring heavily. Funny enough, there's not a trace of Julie Benz to be seen. Weird contract stuff at work? Maybe a budget thing? I wonder if maybe she gets paid more for the use of her image than John Lithgow, since he was a guest and she was a principal? I always think about this stuff when you see something like this -- Rita was so important to Dexter's life, I can't imagine that not showing her face is supposed to help the storytelling here, right? After all that, the wry humor of the opening sequence feels a little dated. Has this show outgrown these credits? I think they're absolutely brilliant, but they do feel like they're for a different show now.
So, it looks like Dexter is in trouble. He's breathing heavily and stumbling around clutching his side. We see him drop a bloody knife and call 911. He says that he has been stabbed and needs help. The dispatcher is unflappable. Go public services. She sends an ambulance Dexter's way, to some abandoned warehouse-looking area. By the time they arrive, Dexter is lying on the ground and struggling for breath. Oh, but wait. As the two paramedics are over him, he gets all Antonio Banderas in Desperado with some syringes and renders the EMT dudes unconscious. They awaken strapped down in their ambulance, which to their misfortune appears to be done up like a killing room. You see, these guys were part of a plot to kill patients in order to harvest organs. In his heart of hearts, I feel like Dexter would really love that sort of work. He offs the guys with a defibrillator, which is kinda cool. I wonder if there's some philosophy behind the idea that people don't really just freak the fuck out the minute they wake up and see that they're strapped in saran wrap. Not just because I'm an audience member of this show, I'd know that things weren't looking good for me if I was being prepped to travel like chicken livers. But, maybe the guys in charge assume people are always in a sort of bargaining-with-God state of mind? I think waking up in plastic and getting your cheek cut and some guy listing your worst crimes is totally primal scream time. Let it go, girl. As Dexter is dumping the bodies off the Slice of Life, he VO's that he has learned that periods of darkness can overcome us at any time, but he knows that he can overcome. He feels smarter and better.
He's at home now, putting away his slides. He walks down what feels like three hallways in his apartment, then opens a door. There's a really cute girl in a bikini top there and he calls her Jamie. He VO's that it's not what we're thinking. Angel is behind her and says hi. Dex VO's that it's really not what we're thinking. She's Angel's sister. Then, he says that buying the apartment to his other apartment was a great idea because now it means that he can come and go as he pleases. Wow, Angel, what a succinct and specific way to reveal the information about this apartment that we needed to know. The writers sure are lucky that they have a character like Angel who so reliably communicates exactly what everyone needs to know. Wait -- the writers of this show are lucky because everyone loves to begin their sentences with an expository clause that ties the world up in a neat little bow. I don't know. This bothers me. It happens too much. It feels too easy. Was it just to hard to think of another way for that information to be revealed? I know that the tone of the show is a little heightened and could possibly be used as an explanation for this sort of stuff, but it has stopped working for me. Angel was watching Harrison while Jamie went for a swim and says that he's sleeping like... a baby. Dexter says that he's not a baby anymore --- he has his first pre-school interview the day. Angel wishes him luck and Jamie says that she plans to stay late the night, she already has calendared Dexter's high school reunion. Oh sweet. High school Dexter. Angel makes some remark about Jamie being underdressed as they leave the apartment and it's so obvious and now we know everything about their entire relationship. So, I guess the nanny from last year didn't get her moment with writing staff? I really thought she was going to have some creepy presence in a storyline.
Dexter goes to check on sleeping Harrison. Then, the day, Dex and Deb are walking around a school with a nun as she talks about structure and freedom and all of that stuff that kids need. She says that admission into the pre-school means acceptance into the secondary school, which is a feeder school to "the finest Ivy league schools in the country." That's redundant, since Ivy League schools are considered the finest schools in the country. The very term Ivy League denotes quality, as well as ivy. Not that I'm not sick to hear about hearing about people's effing Ivy League educations. Yeah, your school is old. Congrats. We had margaritas at mine. I'm pretty sure I win under any standard. The sister says admissions are rigorous and asks how they were referred. Angel's kid went there. Oh, in THAT case, this should be a breeze, because of the social pull Lord Poncy Chauncy Angel Batista has. I mean, he is always flexing his social muscle, with the shirts and the... shirts. Really? My point is that the writers are just making shit up that contradicts other shit now. Deb points out for the nun that Angel is part of the police department and they PROTECT them (subtle, I know, but at least that sounds like something Deb would say). The sister remembers Angel's daughter and says she did well there. She assumes that Dexter is Catholic and, though in VO he admits that he's sort of intrigued by a lot of the bloody Jesus imagery, he says that he is not. Protestant? No. Jewish. No. Muslim? Heh. She asks him what he believes in and he says nothing. He doesn't believe in anything.
Later, when he's putting Harrison into his car, Deb asks him if he's not sold on this place. He's not and the religion aspect is part of that. Deb also wants to know if it's true that he doesn't believe in anything. He says that he does in fact believe in a set of principles. What principles? Rules that he can follow in the world that will keep him out of trouble. Deb is kind of confused. She admits that she's not very religious and her mother had to drag her to church, but she thinks that a belief system based on not getting in trouble sounds like something you might teach a puppy. Not poodles! If it's not about their quality of life, poodles are like, "Later, Asshole, I AM FANCY." Deb thinks that philosophy sound cold and empty. This looks like it's news to Dexter. She continues that he has to think about what he wants Harrison to believe. She tells him that she'll see him back at the station for LaGuerta's "costume party" and then he's on his way. He thinks a lot about what he wants to teach Harrison to believe. He doesn't want Harrison to get his dark passenger, but he hasn't spent much time thinking about what he does want him to get.
At the station, Matthews is on a dais with LaGuerta, promoting her to Captain. Quinn sneaks in late and sits to Deb, who asks him where the hell he was. He says that he was running an errand. She asks him why he smells like an old lady and he says that it's because he was at the mall and they sprayed with cologne. Must be Donald Trump's new scent. Deb says that the only thing he usually smells like when he goes to the mall is a corn dog, but he says that it was too early to eat a corn dog. Also, the people spraying Britney Spears' latest scent, Corn Dog, were not yet on duty. I'd get that cologne, by the by. Angel shushes Quinn and Deb. Masuka cranes his neck to Deb's ear and says that Matthews and LaGuerta seem really chummy and he wonders, of course, if they're doing it. Deb finally admits that they do seem friendly.
Later, Matthews gets into a car with Maria. They seem happy to see each other. She says his speech was beautiful, which she expected since she wrote it. Yeah, this was all an act. He tells her to give him "the book." It looks like a USB data stick thingy. Apparently, Mr. Lawman was in the book of clients of a recently apprehended madame. This makes sense. She says that anyone else would have thrown him to the wolves. He says that she shouldn't talk to him about integrity, seeing as she divorced Angel as soon as she realized that he wasn't a careerist. I'm sorry, Angel Batista? Angel, with the shirts and the alcoholism and the shirts? He has never, under any circumstances, to anyone who even knows what the word "career" (or even "careen" or Tia Carrere) means, ever seemed like a careerist for even a moment. He's a cop who does his job well. If there is any greater ambition underneath that, he has never made that known and I just think this little moment was a lot of bullshit. I understand that they've written Maria into a corner and are trying to take her more closely to her ambitious and conflicted roots, but they're doing that by partially rewriting another character and I just think that sucks. She tries to deny Matthews's charge, but he cuts her off. He tells her to watch herself because she apparently just started playing with the big boys.
In the station, Masuka is giving a tour to a bunch of peeps in white lab coats like his. He's apparently a professor of forensic pathology for extension and online classes at the local university. Deb thinks this is funny. Masuka introduces Deb, Quinn and Angel to "the future of forensic science." Angel focuses on a busty blonde and says that the future looks very bright. So not sexy. After they're gone, Angel wonders if he should maybe start teaching a class and Deb proposes the class, "How To Rob A Cradle" because of the young age of the girl he was ogling. He reminds her (and us!) that he's twice divorced and to give him a break. Dexter shows up and asks who the lab rats are and Deb says they are "the future of boring." Heh. He's carrying some dry cleaning that he plans on wearing to the big reunion. Deb asks if he's heard from the school yet. He hasn't. Then, she says that she can't believe he's going to his reunion, since he's the only person who hated high school more than her. That's a good point. Why is he going? He says that it will be good to catch up with some of the old friends. She says that he's looking to get laid and he just concedes, "You got me." Now, why is it that Dexter knows to just play along with her line of questioning, but not when the lady from the church asks him if he believes in anything?
Later, at home, Dexter is looking through some pictures and reminiscing about Janet, this pretty girl from his high school who was nice to him when no one else was. She and Joe Walker were voted Most Beautiful Couple. We see slow-mo memories of Joe grabbing Janet's bruised arm in the hallway at school. Pressing people's bruises is the WORST, unless, I guess, you create the bruises in the first place. That's worse. Fuck this Joe, guy. Rules are you can't fucking press the bruises that you made. It's just a rule. So, Dexter has a lot of pictures of them. They got married and moved away after school. Years later, she died, apparently of suicide. There was blood under her fingernails though. Dexter wonders how that could happen when her fingers were wrapped around the grip. I also wonder if maybe every forensics person in the country besides Dexter is just really dumb or something? Why is it that he can pick all of this out from just reading about it? It seems like the blood thing would've been a red flag for just about anyone with even rudimentary knowledge of crime scenes and whatnot. Like, they thought to check under her fingernails but weren't set into action by the findings? Dumb.
OK, now it's nighttime and someone's paddling a boat in the darkness. I'll be damned if it isn't Edward James Olmos and Colin Hanks. Eddie is leading Colin he says that "they" like to be near the shore. Then, he adds that Florida water snakes don't lay eggs, they give birth to live young. Gross. 20 or 30 at a time. So gross. They find a really old one and Colin scoops it up with a net. Then, he picks the snake up and says, as he watches the unborn young slithering beneath the skin of the mama, that there are a lot of them. Eddie says that he will need seven. You see, in the off season, I feel like the writers spent more time thinking about whatever gross quirks the killer would have and less about just honoring their own freaking characters.
Here's Dexter at his reunion. He VO's that high school combines the warmest elements of a federal work camp with that of a third-world poultry farm. I have never let my mind rest on the idea of third-world poultry farms for even a second. I still apparently can't. My mind is actually not letting me. I will say though that probably, though I've no experience with either, a federal work camp's warmest elements (cafeteria? library?) would not even be that different from a third-world poultry farm's (family meal? chicken races?), so the analogy really just serves to make Dexter sound a little like a dramatic teenager. He adds that it's a miracle that he didn't kill anyone in high school and this is one of those moments where Harry, in the background, looking like "You're telling ME!" would have been really appreciated.
He walks in a tent set up for the occasion and it looks like everyone is having a reasonably good time. He picks up his name tag at the registration desk and there's a cute pic of him from high school on it. He VO's that he was invisible in high school. Then, as he's putting name tag on, a guy come's up really excited and is like, "Dexter!" Dexter has to look at the guy's name tag and is like,"Alan?!" Looks like Alan was invisible, even to invisible people. But, they were biology lab partners and Alan says he'd never seen someone dissect a fetal pig as quickly as Dexter did. Maybe he'd had a lot of experience seeing fetal pigs dissected, so Dexter's acumen was truly outstanding to him and made him visible. Aside: my lab partner Becky (who's a humanitarian-genius now and deserved better than me as a lab partner) named our pig Samneric, then realized it was a girl. Samnerica. I have the hands of a surgeon and the gore-tolerance of a beauty queen, not to emasculate any outward bound or Saw-loving beauty queens out there. Alan also is aware of Dexter's success in the Miami PD. Really doesn't sound like he was invisible. Alan suggests they look at the activities planned for the weekend, but Dexter blows him off. He VO's that there is only one activity he is interested in that weekend.
He sees Joe from across the room. He notices that Joe is still the center of attention. Why shouldn't he be? Sounds like he's a real go-getter. Want to avoid the late-30's paunch? Fine. Stay fit. Want to not be married? Kill wife. Done. Why does Dexter even do any in-person investigation anymore? Is he ever wrong about who he's going to kill after getting even the smallest hunch while perusing dead people photos on the web? He should just trust his gut. It's apparently never wrong. He says that he's finally going to get to put his class ring to use. We see him situate it on his finger and he VO's that he sharpened part of it so that he could draw some of Joe's blood when he shakes hands with him. He's on his way over when he's stopped by Mindy, his date for the spring formal. So, again, not invisible. She says that she was very sorry to hear about Rita. She introduces Dexter to her wife and tells Dex that he's the last man that she ever dated. But, not that he would have noticed. He was too busy being invisible. He tries to make his way over to Joe again and is stopped not once but twice by people who are excited to see him. Once it's a guy who is familiar with his blood splatter work. Then, it's by a hot girl named Tricia. She wants to "catch up" but he says that he has to say hello to some people first. Does this seem weird to anybody else? That Dexter's perceptions about his own visibility are so off? Fine, maybe his current appeal is the result of having been in the news and being one of the best preserved of his classmates. I'm not sure memory really works like that though. Another guy stops him and remarks that it looks like someone has been working out. OK, so, truth be told, my own grandmother pays more attention to me when I'm at my thinnest, so maybe his visual appeal is the thing getting him noticed. Again, two more people stop him to offer condolences about Rita. He's cute, but come on. They're in Miami. There are hot people everywhere there. Right?
While he's being the most popular invisible person in Florida, Joe gets away. He goes to the bathroom because he's a little freaked out. Harry is there. He reminds Dex that he's had a personal tragedy, he looks better than he did in high school and he has a cool job. Totally a recipe for popular. He hates it. This is truly the thinking that makes him a psychopath, if you ask me. He doesn't like being on everyone's radar, especially when he has a whole bunch of stuff used to kill people hiding in his trunk. Harry tells Dexter to enjoy being popular. Time will tell but that does not sound like the Harry that we know.
Authentic Harry or not, it facilitates Dexter holding court with a bunch of people in Angel shirts. He tells them that blood splatter is less job, more calling. Some dude with his back to the camera because they didn't want to play SAG wages or something lifts a beer and appears to say, "You guys are the modern American cowboys." Absolutely not. That's what the Real Housewives are. So, he finally makes his move over to Joe and gets his ring ready, but Joe gives him a fist bump and it makes him cut himself. Also, he doesn't remember Dexter. Joe, you see, is hot and rich, so Dexter is not impressive to him. Dexter says that he is a "lab geek" for the Miami PD, which is what finally rings a bell with Joe. Dexter is feeling a little deflated, it appears. He offers his condolences about Janet dying and Joe says he'd heard the same thing about Dexter. So, remembering that Dexter was a lab geek in high school is what rang a bell with him in regards to his wife having been slain at his house? Weird. Unless Joe was lying about not knowing who he was in the first place, which is entirely possible. Joe says that, even after three years, he gets really angry at Janet for leaving him the way she did. He spots Tricia across the room and is impressed that the prom queen still looks as hot as she did in high school. His one regret is not having spent enough time preparing for his AP English test. Kidding. He regrets not having tapped Tricia's sweet ass. But, Dexter reminds him, he was dating Janet at the time. Um, yeah, that's right, he responds. He goes to say hello. Then, everybody line dances to "U Can't Touch This." Including Dexter. Everyone seems so alone. I wonder if they all have astral dead parents talking to them from the sidelines.
The day, Colin Hanks and Edward James Olmos are scoping out a fruit stand on the side of the road. Eddie tells him to get cracking. Colin takes a duffle bag out of his trunk and approaches the fruit stand guy. Once he gets to the guy, he starts reciting religious sounding stuff with trees and numbers and things. Colin asks the guy for oranges and when he's turned around, Colin pulls a mega machete out of his bag. Orange you wishing you'd stayed in bed this morning?
Maria is packing up her office when Angel pays her a visit. She says that she's recommending him for her position. He says that she doesn't owe him anything (she does), but she says that she's recommending him because he's the best person for the job. Really? Welllll, she also needs someone in that job who she can trust. She tells him that he needs to start thinking about his future. Right? It's a miracle that a guy who needs to think about his future in a job he's already good at has the wherewithal to enroll his daughter in a known Ivy league track school. OK, I'm letting go of that. She tells him to think about the job and then she calls him Lieutenant Batista.
Meanwhile, Dexter is trying to teach himself football rules, because he's going to play a game of touch football with the people from his reunion and still needs to get Joe's blood. Deb comes in and tells him there's a situation. They arrive at the fruit stand and it's a crime scene. Gross, there are entrails in the scales. Masuka is being bombastic in front of his students and tells them that a very lucky someone will get to be his intern and everyone assumes it will be the hot girl. Deb deduces that the killing could have been drug related. Quinn pulls her aside and asks her to have dinner with him later because he needs to talk to her about something. She tells him to just say it, but he doesn't want to so she tells him that he's being weird and he says she's weird and she says he's weird and stupid. She says that if he bought another big screen TV and expects her to pay for it, he should return it. GAAAAHHH -- she is so good! I love her. I hope this is a great season for her. Dexter tells her he has to go suit up for some flag football and she wonders if she's hearing things.
Now for the football game. Dexter is not good. Then, he drops the thing that he was going to use to prick Joe. In a huddle, Harry is there and tells him to get dirty and elbow Joe in the nose. He does and gets some blood on a tissue and scene. Later, he matches the blood to the blood found under Janet's fingernails? Really? I don't care if it's Kurt and Goldie, they're gonna test the spouse's blood first if strange blood is found on the scene of something violent. LAME. Dexter takes off because he wants to go kill Joe. Angel stops him and asks him about Harrison's preschool interview. Dexter says he's not sure why there has to be religion involved. Angel says that God has put a desire for Himself in every person. Dexter says that he's not sure there is a God. Angel stumbles over trying to explain how we all have moral goodness inside of us (mmm, no) and faith. Dexter VO's that it doesn't make any sense.
Angel and Jamie go to dinner. She says that Dexter is a very good boss. Angel says that he feels like Dexter is finally moving past Rita's death, but Jamie thinks that the pain is so much sometimes that he has to disappear sometimes on his boat. Uh oh. It makes me nervous when they start dropping info like this. Like maybe Angel's going to get in Dexter's way at some point, like ole' Doakes. Angel orders a bottle of champagne and tells Jamie that he's the Lieutenant. Jamie takes her sweater off and Angel tells her that she looks naked. He doesn't want anyone to think they're dating and now she's all sexualized. She reminds him that she's his sister, even though they didn't grow up together. On another show, where people talk organically and stuff, this wouldn't seem so weird. But, since the dialogue is so clunky and expository, this makes me think that there going to be some weird incest angle happening? Right? Gross. She says he's just like their father.
The nun who Dexter interviewed with arrives at school and he's waiting for her. He apologizes for sounding indifferent about religion earlier. He says he wants Harrison to have a normal childhood, so he wants him to go to the school. The nun focuses on him, then says she'll see what she can do.
A lady is jogging on the beach when she discovers the fruit stand guy's body. Dexter arrives on the scene as Masuka's intern is taking pictures. It's not the hot girl! Deb is surprised and Masuka seems offended. He says that he chose the student with the highest test scores. They approach the body and the intern confirms that the guy is dead. Deb notices that someone cut the chest of the guy open after he was dead. It's Omar Rivera. He has been stitched back up. The stitching is in the shape of Alpha and Omega, which Quinn recognizes because dated some sorority girls when he was younger. "Of course you did," replies Deb. Then, the guy's chest starts moving. Dexter cuts open the stitches and "Holy freaking fuck! Snakes!" Deb really voiced my feelings there. Dexter counts seven snakes, then Masuka's intern passes out. Masuka is not a little excited that the runner-up for intern is the hottie. Dexter says that someone put the snakes into Omar's body. Dexter recognizes that this was not done by an amateur.
Dexter is back at the reunion and getting ready to off Joe when Tricia stops him in the hall. She tells him that she made it through high school by cheating off of his papers. She says she never noticed how cute he was and pushes him into a chemistry room where she proceeds to thank him with her own nakedness and a bj. Once she's (or rather he's) done, she bounces away, but not before he snatches her phone. He texts Joe from that phone and tells him to meet him for something dirty. He goes to some storage closet where Dexter is waiting. Dex is about to knock him out with an injection when he slaps the syringe out of his hand. He VO's, "Fast reflexes. I hate jocks." He tries to throw a punch at Dex, but he dodges and gets him with a choke hold. Joe wakes up on his death bed. He tries to say he didn't kill Janet, but Dex shoves a football in his mouth. Then, he says that he and Janet were having problems. Divorce was going to be sooo expensive, so he killed her. Dexter reveals the tattoo of Jesus on Joe's chest and asks what He would have done? Dex asks him how he believes in God and still killed someone. He mumbles something about being forgiven for killing people. So, Dexter will be forgiven if he kills Joe? No, not that way. In fact, he says that God will give Dexter life everlasting and a lot of other nice things if he spares Joe. Still not working. Well, then, God will SMITE him if he kills Joe. Dexter is tired of this. He knocks him out with a hammer, then stabs him as he VO's that it's "Hammer Time." That whole God breakdown was pretty interesting and thoughtful.
Deb and Quinn are having dinner and she says that the Coast Guard thinks that Omar Rivera's body was dumped in the water no more than a quarter mile off shore. Quinn is distracted. He seems nervous. Geez, you know why. This has been transparent. Deb points out that he's about to drink from the candle on the restaurant table. He goes to the bathroom and practices proposing to Deb in the mirror. Deb is sitting alone when a guy comes in and starts shooting. She jumps into action and starts shooting back. Someone is filming on their phone as Deb tackles and cuffs the guy. She holds her side but otherwise seems fine! Deb is a badass!!! Once again!
Dexter is walking Harrison to his new school and VO's about how he is "not unhappy" believing in nothing. We see Eddie and Colin looking at the water. Eddie's talking about weird Revelations stuff. Eddie says that it has begun and chuckles. Dex says that he has to think about what Harrison might want as an adult. Maybe he'll be interested in "those kinds of things."
Jeff Long is a writer/performer in Brooklyn. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com and followed on Twitter at @jblong.