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Before we get started, I want to pause for a moment to introduce a new feature: it's called the Inexplicably Missing In Action Review, and it's a quick rundown of all the characters whom you probably were expecting to see in the episode, especially those whose storylines supposedly lie at the very core of this season's (supposed) big mystery, yet still they are nowhere to be found. This week's IMIAR includes: Danielle, Tom, all three Applewrongs, and (aside from a short, short appearance right at the beginning) Hempy. So you can stop looking around for them in every scene, your eyes, at first, bright with eager expectation, then slowly fading to confusion, to irritation, to disgust. Just my little way of helping you manage your expectations downward.
Okay, everyone with me? Then, let's MAVO. This week she starts out by introducing us to a one Mrs. Pate, played by Amy Hill (who, according to IMDB, has been in every single show ever made, including Andy Richter Controls the Universe). Mrs. Pate is a teacher. She is also a master of manipulation and control, as demonstrated by the ruler she slaps into her palm like a cop with a billy club. MAVO: "As a teacher, she had found that the best way to control unruly students was to instill a strong sense of shame...in their parents." You can almost hear MAVO's eyebrow arching archly. We flashback to Mrs. Pate, browbeating parent after parent, each in turn cringing and wilting under the heated guilt of having raised such inferior stock: one little girl destroyed the class hamster "Patches," one brought in his dad's Nazi memorabilia for show and tell, wow, and another has been beating up kids for their "milk money" (does such a thing really exist anymore, school milk sales?). Back in the now, Mrs. Pate sits down with Lynette. MAVO gushes, "Of course, Mrs. Pate also knew that when it came to unruly children, some parents had more reason to be ashamed...than others." Is this the same singsong that Mary Alice used for her inside voice? If so, there really wasn't much to the mystery of why she blew her brains out. Lynette has been called in for this particular parent-teacher conference because of a very "serious incident": apparently Parker offered "a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her VAGINA." Now. Before I even take on the VAGINA part, first let me pause to discuss "Cindy Lou Peeples," lest I risk the wrath of the many giddy people who posted on the forums and emailed me directly about the matter. Now hear this: yes, Cindy Lou Peeples is a shout-out to The Golden Girls, specifically the double episode "Home Again Rose," in which the Girls crash a high school reunion, and DoroMaude randomly puts on the nametag for a one "Cindy Lou Peeples," and then she wins the Queen of the Reunion Award, or something. And finally, the reason for the Golden shout-out, assuming a person needs such a thing, is that Marc Cherry got his start writing for the Girls. Okay, with the crazed Golden Girls fans (and they are legion) now sated, back to the Cindy Lou cookie VAGINA incident.
“ Turns out giant baby Lily is just lying peacefully there in her bassinet, which is either very lucky... or the soothing effects of the blood of Satan that she may or may not have coursing through her. ”
Gabby's running late to meet Bree for lunch, so she races down the stairs, still wiggling her earrings into place, and calls out to Money that she's leaving, and that she'll be back in a little while. Without bothering to get a visual on Xiao Mei, Gabby takes off. Hmm, methinks this will end in tears. The fat, wet tears of an oversized infant left unattended!
Down at the restaurant, Bree's already seated, and she's wearing the same blue and grey outfit from before. Gabby flutters into her seat, and apologizes for being late. Then they make chitchat for a few minutes until Bree conveniently works in a reference to Gabby's maid, who apparently Bree just left at the spa. After a few seconds of confusion, Gabby pieces it together: today is the day of Money's all-day spa treatment, meaning Gabby has left her baby at home, completely unattended!
Cut to Gabby's sporty sports car taking one of Wisteria's corners at, like, 70 MPH. As the "watch out, abandoned infant" music burbles gaily, Gabby tears upstairs, screaming "Mommy's coming!" Turns out giant baby Lily is just lying peacefully there in her bassinet, which is either very lucky...or the soothing effects of the blood of Satan that she may or may not have coursing through her. Gabby coos how sorry she is, and kisses the huge devil baby again and again.
Later, Carlos arrives home unexpectedly because his "interview got cancelled." So does this mean this is the day after Carlos and Gabby fought over who would get up to attend this baby? Or maybe this is just another round of interviews. Whichever! Gabby is upstairs doing yoga with Lily cradled in a sling. Carlos offers to take the baby, but Gabby refuses, and Carlos looks all happy, mistaking the sweaty clinginess that comes from great disaster narrowly averted for the beautiful and natural bonding of a mother and child.
Susan struts into a ballroom decorated with blue and white balloons and a huge banner reading "Happy Bar Mitzvah, Neil." Karl is there, listening to the band play, and he rushes over to her and says, "Bridezilla's got me auditioning wedding bands." Ugh, poor Edie. Karl asks Susan what she thinks of the band, and Susan stares at him like he's gone crazy: she thought there was some kind of emergency? Susan turns to go, but Karl grabs her, insisting that there totally is an emergency: "I need to have somebody to dance with, so I can see if these guys have the power to help me get my groove on." Karl does some embarrassing dad dancing, and Susan stands there, huffing. Karl signals to the band, and they immediately downshift into "You Are So Beautiful." Susan, giving him a look: "That was not a coincidence." He shrugs, spins her around, and makes crush-eyes at her while he says, "This was playing the night we first kissed; it's our song. Remember?" Susan in fact does remember. And you know what else she remembers? Edie. Susan says she keeps trying to figure out whether Karl's really changed, but really he's just that "same weak coward who walked out on [her] three years ago." In Susan's very own first act as a grownup, she turns, and walks out that door.
“ Cut to Parker, cradling a new baby... PUPPY! Just what the Scavos need: another chaotic element that requires looking after by someone other than the parents, who both work. ”
Early morning. CreePaul is asleep in bed until some sort of disturbing flapping noise outside his window wakes him up. He and Zana, wearing their cute little matching jim-jams, stumble outside, and discover that exterminators have tented their house. Felicia appears in her slippers and robe, and she pretends to be embarrassed about lining up the men with deadly gases with the wrong address (but really if she thought exterminators were coming, she wouldn't be still wearing her sleep gear, so it's all clearly a ruse). At this point, CreePaul totally snaps. He gets right up in Felicia's face and yells, "These little mind games are going to stop RIGHT NOW!" Felicia leans in, and very, very softly -- so softly that neither the exterminators nor the gathering crowd of neighbors can hear -- she says, "What are you going to do, blow out your brains like your wife did?" At that, Creeps totally loses it: he grabs Felicia by her collar, and shake-shake-shakes her. And she plays it up for all she's worth. Once the exterminators manage to get Paul away from her, she says to the gathered crowd, "Did you hear that? He assaulted me!" So that was her plan? Riding and riding him until he attacked her? Somehow that's a little cruder than what I've come to expect from Felicia.
Woo-Woo HQ. Lynette is trying to make Parker understand that there are just things, things like VAGINAS, that he shouldn't talk about in polite company. Parker: "Why?" Lynette explains that it's "rude." Parker just keeps hammering at her with the "Why?"s, until finally she reaches her boiling point, and says, "Because-it's-dirty-and-wrong-and-I'll-wash-your-mouth-out-with-soap-that's-WHY!" Oh Lynette, will you never learn? You always pretend to be so put off by Mrs. McCluskey's advice (just like with the whole "dropping the kids off on the side of the road" scenario), but eventually you end up doing exactly what the old woman says. Lynette looks disgusted with herself, while Parker looks like a just-clubbed baby seal. Blink, blink. MAVO: "In that moment, Lynette saw a look on her son's face she had never seen before." Then, in rhythm with a series of flashbacks, MAVO describes the totally happy and excited face that Parker had when he discovered dinosaurs, then baseball, then trains. In short, it turns out that she didn't need to shame Parker, she just needed to line him up with a "brand-new obsession."
Cut to Parker, cradling a new baby...PUPPY! Just what the Scavos need: another chaotic element that requires looking after by someone other than the parents, who both work.
Susan answers the door. It's a hangdog Karl. He just stopped by to let her know that he finally broke things off with Edie, and he totally didn't do it for Susan (Susan's face saddens just a shade over this news, even though it's exactly what she told him she wanted); he did it for his new, not-at-all-cowardly self. Karl solemnly admits that he had no business even considering marrying Edie when he knows "what real passion and real love feels like." Hoo boy, Susan's in trouble. He turns to leave, and Susan is almost home free, but then she weakens, and invites him in for a "bottle of wine," which is tantamount to her saying "take off your pants," considering the fact that a split bottle of wine is the exact same way their last round of sexing got started. Rest in peace, Susan's fledgling maturity. Rest in peace.
Bree brings down the last of Andrew's things, and hands the box to her father to tape up. Since the box is wide open, Bogamil gets an eyeful of what's inside, and he picks up the top item: it's a video called Rods, and it's got a photo of a shirtless and very tan, muscular man on the front. The movie's tagline is "One hustler you'll WANT to catch." (By the way, I did a search for the movie, and while I couldn't find an exact match, I did find a DVD by the same name that apparently is about UFOs. So those of you who assumed the movie was pornographic should get your mind out of my dreams, and into my car.) Bogamil furrows in displeasure and confusion, and Bree snatches the movie from his hand, apologizing that it's "one of Andrew's adult videos," and that although she doesn't approve, "boys will be boys!" Especially very tan and muscular boys. Bogamil reaches into the box again, and picks up a magazine. Eleanor scolds him to "stop looking at that filth." Bogamil, thumbing through the magazine, totally consternated: "I don't get it; where are the woman? This is all just a bunch of...naked men." Eleanor comes over to take a closer look, then she covers her mouth, in aghastment. Bogamil stutters that he doesn't even know what he's looking at, and Eleanor prissily names it: it's "pornography for homosexuals." On cue, Bree returns to the room, and with her patented unflappable Bree cheer, she says, "I wish you hadn't gone through that [box]. Now we have to have an unpleasant conversation!" Bogamil, in the small voice of orphan Oliver asking for a second helping: "Bree, is Andrew...gaaaay?" Bree: "Dad, Andrew hates labels. I'm sure it's just a phase." Eleanor: "Excuse me, he has a magazine titled Leather Daddies in Love. That does not sound like a phase to me." (Note: I searched for that publication, too, and all links just point back to Desperate Housewives, so it appears that the title's still available, if you act now!) Bree points out that, phase or no phase, it really isn't Bree's problem anymore, since Andrew is moving in with her parents. Panicked, Eleanor calls Bogamil into the other room for a "serious talk," and Bree smiles hugely to herself.
“ Getting your millions yanked over some porn that may or may not have been yours to begin with -- that's a setback worthy of Dynamite magazine's special 'Bummers' section. ”
Later, Bree's cooking at the stove (and wearing an insanely cute '50s pink-patterned apron) when Andrew comes home, and asks where his grandparents are; he's ready to start packing up the car. Bree tells him, in even, emotionless tones, that they took off already, but that they left him a letter. As Andrew picks up the envelope, Bree explains, with admirable cluelessness, "It seems they came across some personal items of yours that upset them." Andrew, reading: "They're taking away my trust fund?!" Somehow I always thought the trust fund was a byproduct of Rex's death? But maybe that's only because it was never really mentioned before then. In any case, getting your millions yanked over some porn that may or may not have been yours to begin with -- that's a setback worthy of Dynamite magazine's special "Bummers" section. Andrew, all freaked: "What am I supposed to do now?" Bree: "Well, now that you can't afford to become emancipated, I guess you're going to have to stay here with me." Andrew looks like he's been punched in the face, except we've seen what he looks like after he's been punched in the face, and he looks way more stunned in this scene. Bree turns, looks deep into his eyes, and tells Andrew that they can "make this work" if they just "let go of [their] anger." Andrew burps out a little, cornered "no," and turns to leave. Bree, with blinding brightness: "Oh! I had a chance to have a nice chat with Justin the other day. He really seems very sweet. I've invited him over to dinner tonight; I hope you don't mind." Andrew looks at her, and his face is such a turmoil of emotions, it's difficult to know exactly what he's feeling. Is he grateful that Bree has finally made a pro-gay gesture in his direction? Or is he mourning the loss of the hot sex that can only come from parental taboo? It's difficult to tell.
Susan and Karl are in bed, kissing and spooning in tipsy, post-coital bliss. Susan, smiling: "Now I wish I hadn't torched our wedding photos." Karl laughs, and keeps kissing her, and she says something philosophical about how crazy it is that things have wound up "back here again." Karl asks her how she feels about "us," and she giggles that she feels "good" and "happy." Uh oh, I feel a fall a-coming. Karl asks whether Susan's sure she's not having any "second thoughts," and she looks at him, amazed: "I can't believe you actually want to talk about feelings. You really have changed!" Uh oh cubed!
So the phone rings, and of course it's Edie, and of course she and Karl haven't exactly broken up yet. Oh, you know, Karl was just manipulating Susan into bed so that he could be sure of her feelings before he dumped Edie. (Hey, a friend and I were just talking about this phenomenon -- the burning need to know what the other person's feeling before you decide how you yourself feel, and how it's like going to Vegas, and yelling at the dealer, "Show me your cards!" before actually betting.) How is it that Karl's savvy enough to find a way into Susan's bed, but not quite smart enough to fix things so that Edie doesn't call over there directly afterward? So dumb. Anyway, Edie wants Karl to pick up a carton of juice, which Susan thinks is an odd request from a woman whom he just dumped. Predictably, Karl reveals that the breakup is actually more of a "work in progress." Susan: "She doesn't KNOW? ...That means that you just cheated on her, with ME! You made me the other woman!" Which is slightly funny, and complicated, considering that Susan and Karl are actually still married? Also, even if Karl and Edie had been broken up, sleeping with him just an hour after the deed had supposedly been done wasn't exactly classy. Karl: "Please don't be angry. I tried to break up with her, but because I wasn't sure you wanted me back; it just wouldn't come out of my mouth. But now that I know that you want me and love me again, it's a done deal!" Oh, Karl BAD!