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Previously: just everything that went down last week.
This week's MAVO flashback intro paints the rosy picture of Bree and Hempy's budding romance: "On her first day of sobriety, Bree Van de Kamp found a cork, which reminded her of Chablis." Bree huffs the found cork deep and hard, � la Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet. MAVO: "So she called her sponsor, who came over with a DVD, which they watched till her craving had past." We see Hempy and Bree sitting there on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn between them, and they're just laughing and laughing. MAVO: "Five days later, after she developed a thirst for merlot, Peter arrived with a deck of cards." We see the two of them playing what looks like Spit and, again, there is the laughing and laughing. , MAVO tells us, Hempy came bearing "Chinese takeout" in responses to Bree's dangerous "thoughts of vintage chardonnay." And in the Chinese food flashback, the hilarity has reached such a fevered pitch that Hempy's face is shiny and veined with the strain of so much laughing. Meanwhile, Bree looks happier and more carefree than I think I've ever seen her. And, oh my god...she's drinking a Diet Coke directly from the can! Without a coaster! Are we really sure that Bree is sober? MAVO: "By her twentieth day of sobriety, Bree had stopped thinking about alcohol altogether, because her thoughts were now centered...elsewhere."
In the now, Bree and Hempy are playing chess at the dining-room table, and they are sitting awfully close -- maybe the chess-club kids had the right idea after all? Checkmate INDEED. Bree takes one of Hempy's bishops with her knight, and then launches in on one of the weirder preambles to a proposition ever: what, she is curious to know, does Hempy think is the best method for overcoming addiction? He gamely lists "shock therapy" and "hypnosis" as potential approaches, but cites the "one day at a time" approach as his personal favorite. When he asks Bree why she wants to know, she tells him she guesses she's just "impatient to get on with [her] life." And by her "life," it's clear that what she really means is her "plans to rub down Hempy's naked form with essential oils."
With the land thusly tilled, Bree leans in and kisses Hempy lightly on the cheek. He looks up at her with alarm, and then he starts scratching his chest like suddenly he's broken out in his very own case of the kissing rash. Bree tries to breeze the kiss off as just her way of thanking him for being so nice to her these past few weeks. When Hempy doesn't respond -- in fact, he looks like his mind's been completely imploded (and, having recently attended a local high school's take on Cats, I know the look well) -- Bree voices some concern. Hempy finally manages to confess that not only is he an alcoholic, but that he's also a member of "Sex Addicts Anonymous." Bree laughs like he's just told her about his addiction to unicorns. Poor, sheltered Bree. After a beat or two, she comprehends that he's not joking, and says, "But it was just a kiss on the cheek!" Hempy: "Doesn't matter. The slightest touch gets my juices flowing." Much like a Thanksgiving turkey. Bree, with suspect sympathy, asks how long it's been, and he mournfully confesses that he hasn't...stuffed a turkey (my euphemism) in a whole year. Bree can almost taste those juices now! Hempy babbles on about the "plant, pet, person" rule that they have at SAA; once he can manage to keep a plant alive for a period of time, and then do the same with a pet, only then can he "can start dating again." Bree: "So, how are you doing [with that "fern, fido, fellatio" thing]?" Hempy, wryly: "I'm on my fourth ficus." Bree, all "speaking of ficus," leans in and plants one right on his lips. Then, without at all recognizing that she's just done the irresponsible equivalent of someone handing her a drink, she says, "See? I think you can handle affection better than you give yourself credit for." So sweet. And yet so totally selfish and unaware and retarded.
“ Bree, still lying on the table, hugs Hempy's torn shirt to her face and inhales deeply like it's the world's sexiest Chablis cork ever. ”
For a second, Hempy just sits there, looking like he's been tazed. But then something (un)snaps inside him, and he lunges at Bree, tears of his own shirt with one hand (which is kind of an amazing feat), and pushes her back onto the table. Knights and castles go flying, a vase full of tulips crashes to the floor, and the heels of Bree's pumps are digging into the dinner table. This from the woman who couldn't have sex with a burrito dripping nearby. Things look like they're about to get seriously serious, when suddenly Hempy regains his senses. He mumbles something about having to leave, and then he just takes off running. Bree yells after him, "But you forgot your shirt!" Hempy, wind-sprinting out the door, yells back, "Keep it!" MAVO: "And though she didn't know it, Bree had answered her own question: the easiest way to overcome one addiction is to replace it with another." Bree, still lying on the table, hugs Hempy's torn shirt to her face and inhales deeply like it's the world's sexiest Chablis cork ever. Uh oh.
Speaking of "temptation," according to MAVO, that's also the name of the club where stripper-mommy Libby works. MAVO informs us, using her very best Romper Room voice, that Temptation has a very loyal clientele, but that when they "cross a line" (we see a nebbishy man grabs a lapdancer's ass), they get "punished." And by "punished," MAVO means that a boyish bouncer comes up and mildly escorts the offender out of the club. Take that! "Punished," MAVO tells us, just like a "certain married couple was about to discover." Huh? The lapdancer sidles over to where Gabby and Carlos are sitting, and offers them a dance. Carlos hesitates, and Gabby shoots him a look until he politely declines. The Solises are there to give Libby a wrapped and bowed gift: it's a fancy camera she's been asking for. Gabby complains about all this pregnant-ass-kissing they've been going through, and Carlos sternly tells her that when it comes to getting their baby, they'll "kiss whatever needs kissing." Just then, Libby waddles up, and she is not pleased to see them at her place of work. She snatches the present and turns to leave, but Crabby snits about how much money they spent on the present, and that the "least [Libby] could do is open it so [Crabby and Carlos] could bask in [her] happy expression." Just then, the boyish bouncer comes over to ask if perhaps there's a problem. And indeed there is: it turns out the bouncy bouncer is actually the father of Libby's baby. What? But last week, Libby said she didn't know who the father was. Crazy.
Julie and Susan are having breakfast for lunch with Karl bounces in. Julie pointedly asks how come he still has keys to the house, and Karl smarms that he needs access so that he can look out for his "two favorite ladies." Wary Julie watches Susan flirtily feed Karl a sample of her omelet, and then she corrects him: "You mean, 'two of your three favorite ladies.'" Both Karl and Susan look confused. You remember...Edie? Karl's current live-in love? Karl snaps his fingers: of course, Edie! Which reminds him; turns out he proposed to Edie last night. Julie is relieved and thrilled by the news, but Susan is confused: wasn't Karl going to wait six months first? Seeing as he's actually still married? He assures her that it isn't going to be a problem: the "classy wedding" he and Edie are going to plan will take months to set up. This prompts Susan and Karl to start reminiscing about their own wedding, and gushing about how happy they were. Julie desperately tries to steer things back to Edie, but Susan and Karl only half listen. Karl takes off, and Julie eyes Susan suspiciously.