By DeAnn Welker
Everyone's making connections this week, and it's (mostly) all for the better. Bree has a big ol' fight with Alex, who tells her exactly what we've all been thinking: That's she's mean and cold and emasculating her husband. She gets snippy about it, but comes around to realize he's right -- and that she needs someone like him calling her out on it so she doesn't get even worse. Meanwhile, Edie tells everyone she left Creepy Dave and they respond by ... talking to Susan about her plans to move in with Jackson. Then Edie and Susan end up locked in a basement, and they sort of bond: They insult each other, Edie spills her childhood stories, then slaps Susan. I said sort of. But they both learn from it, because thing we know Susan makes a mysterious call to Jackson and then sits on her porch alone, while Edie takes Creepy Dave back. In the interim, though, Creepy Dave stays with Mike and bonds with him. He learns that Mike is falling in love with Katherine, and that she is thinking of moving to Baltimore. So Creepy Dave gets Katherine some flowers to keep her close, apparently making her the "Mike has to lose what I lost" target instead of Susan.
In storylines that seem to somehow matter less, Lynette finds Porter by faking a car accident, his case is quickly thrown out off-screen, and then Lynette and Stella have a heart to heart that leads to twice-weekly get-togethers for the mother and daughter. And Carlos goes back to work, leaving Gaby at home with her brats. They won't listen to anything she says, so she'd like Carlos to please yell at them. He says this is what she wanted: him unhappy at work and her at home with screaming kids. He does seem to cave and tells them to listen to their mom by the end of the episode. But nothing is happy in the Solis household, despite him listening to her. Theirs is the only story that didn't feel like they were connecting, but more like the connection they used to have is beginning to unravel.
Previously: Lynette talked to Porter on the phone, but didn't know where he was. Katherine and Mike got together, while Edie left Creepy Dave for being married. Creepy Dave told his wife and daughter's tombstones that he would make Mike pay by making him feel what he lost. Oooh, ominous.
Mary Alice tells us it's been a long journey for Dave, but he can still remember the whole thing: Walking outside his front door to get the news of the car crash. Running into the hospital to find out his wife and daughter had died. Being dragged into a psych ward after his mental breakdown. Strolling into a hotel weeks after his release and bumping into a beautiful blonde (Edie). Marching down the aisle -- or, rather, a courthouse hall -- with that woman, who happened to be from Wisteria Lane. But now said bride has kicked him out and he's still walking down the street. He doesn't know how he'll follow through on his plan, until Mike comes out to talk to him. He tells Mike Edie kicked him out, and it's probably for good. Mike feels bad for him, and invites him to stay with him. He says Creepy Dave saved his life, so this is the least he can do. Creepy Dave has to agree with that. Mary Alice: "And, just like that, Dave's dream of revenge had been salvaged. And he started to feel his long journey would soon be over." I just have to say: I think Mary Alice is way too impartial in all of this. I feel like it's about time she took sides on something instead of narrating like she doesn't care about anyone involved.
At 9:02 the morning, Edie calls her friends to tell them something happened. They all (Susan, Gaby, Bree, Lynette) show up by 9:06 to get the details. Wait ... these are all of Edie's friends? Poor Edie. With friends like these, who needs a creepy, psychotic husband? Edie's sniffling into a tissue as Susan says you don't kick a man out for being previously married. Edie points out it's the not mentioning it that makes it a problem. Bree says maybe he was with his wife only a short time, and she meant nothing to him. Edie doubts it since he walks around talking to her ghost. Gaby suggests a spa weekend, but Edie would rather get lost in her work. Susan manages to turn the conversation back to her by saying she might be able to help Edie by letting her find a renter for her house, since she's probably moving in with Jackson in Riverton. Gaby, Bree, and Lynette all think this is a great idea, because they think Jackson's great. And also because they want her to leave (they don't say that, but I know it's true, because no one would want to live with someone like Susan, all fake sweet but really narcissistic and selfish). They all make it about Susan, and gather her in a group hug as Edie looks on, baffled that they're all completely over her juicy news.
Creepy Dave looks either creepier or completely foolish in overalls and a white T-shirt as he's mowing Mike's lawn. Katherine walks up and asks if he'd like to do hers when he's done. He explains it's the least he can do for Mike, since he's letting him crash here. She says that's really nice of him, and brave since Mike is so attached to his lawn. She loves his roses (which actually are really colorless and bland, but I guess that's sort of fitting for Katherine), so Creepy Dave offers to cut her one. She says no since Mike might freak out. Mike comes out and greets her. She says Dylan called, and wants her to move to Baltimore to help her with the baby. Mike just asks what she said, and won't offer an opinion -- though Katherine tries and tries to get him to say he wants her to stay. Creepy Dave looks on like the psychopathic stalker that he is. Mike runs inside to answer a phone call, and Katherine plucks one of his roses on her way out of the yard, telling Creepy Dave that, on second thought, Mike probably won't even notice it's gone. Well, of course not: It's colorless and bland. Yet, still a step up from Susan's selfish whining.
Bree's explaining to the boys how their house will need to be entirely re-landscaped, but she'll take care of that, of course. Orson comes down the stairs whooping it up about a grill, which he says will be there tomorrow. He explains how amazing this grill is in terms of BTUs and charbroiling power. Bree very cutely says that if he thinks he's happy, imagine the salesman who overcharged him. She goes on to say he never met a sticker price he didn't like. Alex gets defensive and tries to take his side, but Bree doesn't relent, saying there's a reason he gets a fruit basket from a car dealership. She then asks Orson to hush. Alex asks Bree to "please not do that." She feigns ignorance, and Alex says he's referring to her emasculating Orson, because it reminds him of his mom, and is what he thinks drove his dad away. Orson and Andrew try to pretend nothing's happening by talking about how cool the grill is: It makes rotisseries, and maybe even soup. Hee.
The girls are crying in Carlos's arms because they don't want him to go to work. Because, you know, they'll be left with their mom. They would rather be with their daddy than have lots of money. Gaby is not thrilled about this.
An old guy knocks on Lynette's door, and she welcomes in "Mr. Fishman." He tells her that Porter's at Stella's, driving his sister crazy. Apparently his sister, Muriel, lives in the retirement home and Porter's driving her nuts. The rules clearly state "no visiting after dark," but Porter's been there for a week. Lynette calls to tell Tom to call Bob and say they can make the hearing tomorrow. Mr. Fishman keeps on about how bad Porter is: watches TV late, steals orange juice (huh?). Parker comes down and Lynette says she'll be right back, then she leaves him there with Mr. Fishman, who asks him to make her a sandwich.
Edie's showing Alex and Andrew their new home. They ask if she can clean up the basement before they move in, and she agrees that having old junk around really sucks. Susan comes up yelling "Edie!" and Edie mutters, "Case in point." Then she goes in to the basement, completely ignoring Susan, who follows her in and lets the door shut behind her. Edie says she heard Susan, which is why she kept watching. Susan says the mailman switched their mail again, and Edie says she knows; Susan's mail is in her garbage. Susan asks what's wrong, and Edie explains: She had big news this morning, and Susan prances in with her news of moving in with Jackson. Susan snarks that she thought they gave her latest breakup the three seconds it deserved. Susan tries to leave, but they're locked in. Edie's key is in her purse in the kitchen, and no one knows either of them are there. Oh my gosh, you guys! Maybe they'll die! That would be awesome.
Gaby tells Juanita it's time for her bath, but Juanita's watching her movie. Gaby turns it off and tells her to move. Juanita ignores her, so Gaby grabs her and drags her across the room. She makes it to the stairs, but can't get any farther because Juanita's as big as Gaby. Seriously, that little girl needs to be slapped. You do not let your daughter treat you like that. Gaby tells her she'll forget all about this if she'll go get in the bath now. Juanita sticks out her tongue and "Pfffts" at Gaby. Gaby tries to pull her up the stairs, but hurts her back. Juanita gets back up and goes to the TV and turns her movie back on.
Stella's watching TV when Lynette comes by looking for Porter. Stella pretends not to know her, and then tells all of us what happened: "You're the girl who stuck me here three years ago." So we know how Stella ended up here, and why she's so bitter. Lynette asks if Stella knows what's going on with Porter, and Stella says she reads the papers, and everyone's crying for Porter's blood. Lynette says they have a great lawyer who thinks he can get the case thrown out. Stella pretends she'll call Porter in that case, so Lynette can take care of him just like she took care of her. Stella says Porter's safe; she heard Muriel ratting her out to her brother, so she made sure he was safe. Lynette pleads with her, saying this is wrong. Stella: "Sucks to feel helpless, doesn't it Lynette?"
Back in the basement of my worst nightmares, Susan's doing a ridiculous slow-motion knocking on the door. She's on her knees and leaning on the door with her butt stuck out, and everything about it makes me dislike Teri Hatcher for even playing this scene this way, all helpless and thinking she's sexy while she's pathetic. Ick. Not having any of that. Thankfully, Edie agrees. She says, "Wow. I'm getting a real pleasant picture of what you're like in the old sackaroonie." She sort of ruined the snark by using the word sackaroonie, but at least she tried. She tells Susan they're stuck here, so to please get over it. Edie tells Susan that moving in with Jackson is stupid, pathetic, needy and hilarious, but totally expected. Oh, and Susan calls Jackson "the man I love" even though she said last week that she's "getting there." Edie asks if Susan's ever been without a man ever, and then pulls out a calendar to document the history of Susan's dating life. I know Susan will love this, because it's all about her, but I don't know how Edie or I will get through it. They start with high school. She was dumped by her first boyfriend and had a new one by lunch.
Orson comes in to the bedroom as Bree's getting ready for bed and says he's feeling randy and would like to do it. Bree says there's 15 minutes before the news, so that should fit in. Ah, the Hodge pillow talk. So hot! As they move the pillows from the bed to the bench at the foot of the bed, Bree says she can't get over Alex saying she emasculates Orson. He agrees that Alex didn't use the best manner to make his point, but he agrees with him that she's tough. He says she's tough, but it's because she has to be since she runs a business. She doesn't see herself that way. Orson says he and Andrew are used to it, and Alex will get used to it too. Then he tells her that even though it's his turn, she can be on top if she'd like. We cut away before we see what she decides.
Edie's putting the finishing touches on the "Who Didn't Susan Date?" calendar. The conclusion: Seven boyfriends in high school and college, with only 41 days single. Edie calls it a cry for help. Adulthood is only slightly better, where she had several months single after both of her marriages ended. But Edie points out that wasn't of her choosing, since they dumped her. Susan turns it around on Edie, saying she's famous for the number of men she's conquered. Edie thanks her, but Susan says it wasn't a compliment and calls her a tramp. Edie says it's true she's been with a lot of men, but she goes after them because she wants them, not because she needs them. Susan doesn't see the difference, and Edie points out Susan has holes in her heart, because she's weak. She goes to bang on the door some more as Susan looks thoughtful. Or at least as thoughtful as Susan can look.
Lynette's in the car crying into her phone to Tom, explaining that Stella won't tell where Porter is. Tom asks if she told Stella Porter could end up in jail, and she says of course. Tom tells her that she's really upset, so she should just hang up and come home. Lynette says Stella's so angry at her, she'll never tell them where Porter is. Then Tom hears her gasp as her tires squeal. He says, "Lynette?!" as we cut to commercial.
When we return, Porter and Stella are running into the hospital looking for Lynette. Stella feels bad, saying it's all her fault. The nurse says she's not finding a Lynette, and Porter asks if that means she's dead. Lynette comes out and says, "No. It means she outsmarted her mom." Lynette explains she saw two cars in an accident, and it made her think, "That could be me," so she pretended. Lynette and Tom talk Porter into court, because Bob talked to the judge, and he thinks he can get them to drop the charges. Tom and Porter walk off and Stella tells Lynette that was a rotten thing she did, since Stella thought she was dead. Lynette says she learned from the best.
Gaby yells at Celia and Juanita to pick up their clothes. She counts to three, and they don't do anything at all. She threatens to call Carlos, and then she does. He's in a business meeting, though, so he can't deal with it right now. Gaby is annoying me with this. She's the one who insisted he go back to the job, even though he told her it would mean no time for the family again.
Mike and Creepy Dave show up at Bree's for Orson's barbecue. Mike says Katherine couldn't make it, and then he goes inside for a beer. Creepy Dave follows him, because he either wants to be just like Mike or he wants to kill him. It's a fine line. Inside the test kitchen, Creepy Dave asks if Katherine's not feeling well. Mike says she's not, but she also might be "miffed" with him. It's about Baltimore. Mike says he doesn't want her to go, but he doesn't want to come between her and her daughter, or grandchild. Creepy Dave says he thought this was because Mike was still hung up on Susan. Mike says no; that's over. Creepy Dave says that most guys he talks to say they only fall in love once, and spend the rest of their lives wanting that person. Mike says that's not the case here, because he's falling in love with Katherine. Creepy Dave can't believe it's that serious; he totally has to change his killing plans now that Mike's in love with a different woman. What an inconvenience!
Andrew goes to get their guests and some steak sauce. Orson says they won't need steak sauce, because these steaks are perfect. Alex, Orson, and Bree dig in, and Orson notices they're over-done. Alex says they're just "well done," so Orson asks Bree. She really couldn't say, though, because she doesn't want to upset anyone. Meaning Alex. But she smiles sweetly at him. Bree says that grilling is so manly that she wouldn't want to suggest Orson failed at it, since Alex might see that as emasculating him. Alex asks if she's going to let that go, and she says that for all she knows, saying Orson's steak tastes like charcoal might be "de-balling him." In other words: No, she's not letting that go. Orson once again pretends nothing's happening. Alex tells Bree she could make her point and still be nice, and Bree tells him that it's also nice to show gratitude and respect when someone buys you a house. Alex says he's going to have to decline the house, and gets up and storms off. Andrew walks up right then and asks Bree what's wrong. Bree: "Orson burned the steaks!"
Edie's asking how you can tell if pickles have botulism as she inspects an old home-canned jar. Then she says it doesn't matter since she shoots the stuff into her forehead. Oh goodie; a botox joke! But then Edie smells the pickles and decides she'd rather wait until Susan dies and eat her instead. Susan ignores all of this, not even cracking a smile. Susan says that maybe she does feel incomplete without a man, but she wouldn't trade places with Edie for anything because she treats men like tissues: use one, throw it away, move on to the . Edie tells Susan she knows what men are really like because her dad had an affair when she was 16. He left her mom and her for this new woman and her 10-year-old daughter. When he came to move his stuff out, he also took Edie's horse collection. When she asked about it, he said he gave them to his new 10-year-old stepdaughter, who would enjoy them more since Edie was too old for them. Thus begins Edie's hatred of men. Susan gets all teary, and Edie's all, "Oh god. Are you crying?" Susan says she gets it, and she never should have judged Edie. She says it's not Edie's fault; she is the way she is because of her father. She hugs Edie. Edie slaps her and tells her not to psychoanalyze her. She was just explaining what jerks men are. Susan says she was just giving her a free pass for being such a slut. Then Susan pushes Edie into some boxes, which fall on her.
Gaby asks the girls to pick up their toys and they won't. They're also snotty about it. Gaby asks why Juanita's being such a brat; when Carlos asks her to do something, she just does it. Juanita says, "That's because I love Daddy more." Sad music plays as realization creeps across Gaby's face. And as much as their story has had little to nothing to do with anything that matters this season, Eva Longoria is really acting the hell out of all of this -- playing so far against type that I actually forget how hot she can be until she shows up all smokin' at something like the Golden Globes. She says, "Fine," and throws the toy on the floor in front of Juanita, then goes out to the front porch to cry. The gardener comes by and asks if she's okay, and she says her kids know how to push her buttons, and they're not afraid of her. He tells her to practice her big voice. When he demonstrates, she asks if he has an extra 15 minutes. Inside, he's telling them to clean, and they're listening in fear. Gaby says she knows how much the girls love Carlos, but he's the one who sent Reggie over.
Edie's making Susan guess which month various magazines in the boxes that fell on her are from. It's really a silly game that would be nearly impossible, and it's clearly making Susan miserable because when she misses one, Edie throws it at her. I say it's a silly game, but then my sister and I used to go through every magazine that had a big list of people with biographical information (such as the "50 Most Beautiful People" issue of People) and guess how old each person in it was. I'm telling you: It's a fun game. Then again, it might not be quite as fun now that I'm not 9 years old. But I do tend to know how much older than me most celebrities are, so see! It made me smart. (Or maybe dumb?) A guy walks in and they tell him they've been locked in there all night. He says it's a good thing he came in to check the rat traps then. Edie's glad she didn't remember those until just now. She also tells Susan to forget everything they talked about, because she will deny it if she ever tells anyone. And then she adds she'll bring Susan's mail over.
Lynette's back at Stella's. She came by to tell her that the judge threw out Porter's case. Stella just looks sad. Lynette says she didn't put her in her to punish her; she didn't have a choice. She explains that after Glen died, Stella was out of control: gambling in Vegas and drinking. She brought Stella here because she loves her. Stella asks why she doesn't come visit then? Lynette says it's not pleasant. Stella says she's angry, but can't help it. Lynette asks her to try to be less angry, but Stella says anger's all she has left that's keeping her alive. Lynette tells her she will die someday either way. She says she'd like to be there with Stella, but things have to change for that to happen. She'll come at least twice a week, and she'll bring the kids sometimes. Stella would like that, and tells Lynette how good the kids turned out. She asks how Lynette learned to be such a good mom, and Lynette says she has no idea. Stella asks Lynette to get her flask for her, and Lynette looks scoldingly at her. Stella says she can't be nice, forgiving, and sober.
Carlos comes home from work and the girls greet him. He's happy to see how much they helped their mom, and Juanita says the scary man told them they had to. Carlos looks puzzled. Then he's telling Gaby he can't believe she'd let someone who they don't even know -- who left a flier in their mailbox -- do her parenting. She tells him the girls told her they love him more, and he says that when he was running things, they said they loved her more. He tells her not to get her feelings hurt, and to stop asking strangers to discipline the kids. She says she wouldn't do that if he would do it. He asks if she wants him to go to work all day, never see his kids, then come home and scream at them. She says only for 15 minutes, then "it's Carlos time!" He says he won't do that, and she says she just wanted them to have a normal life. He eloquently says, "Well guess what, Sweetie? Dad's unhappy at work. Mom's home with the screaming kids. You got one."
Bree sees Andrew at work in the test kitchen, and asks if she can talk to him. He says they can talk about work, but not about what happened at the barbecue. She tries to anyway, but he says he'll leave. He's not getting in the middle of this, and tells her to talk to Alex if there's a problem. She says she tried, and he wouldn't listen. Andrew grows a pair and asks, "Don't you mean 'obey'?" She looks shocked, and a little sad, but Andrew goes on that Alex isn't her husband or her son or her employee and -- gasp! -- not everyone has to listen to her. Andrew says he'll do the work he was doing tomorrow, and leaves.
Katherine arrives home to a bouquet of red roses with a card that says, "Don't go." She goes over to Mike and tells him she got the flowers. She gives him a big kiss, and then stops to ask if they were from him. He says, "Oh, yeah." Which seems sincere, but then we see Creepy Dave looking on as if he orchestrated it all. I'm so confused. Maybe he orchestrated it by talking Mike into doing something? Because I don't think Mike would have responded so quickly and knowingly if they weren't really from him.
Alex pulls up at Bree's and he says he doesn't want to get into a whole thing with her. She says this won't take long; she just wants him to take the house. He says what happened at the barbecue will happen again, because that's who they are, so they shouldn't make it worse by living on top of each other. He starts to walk away, but Bree says she wants to tell him something she hasn't told anyone -- not Orson or Andrew. She knows she's changed since her business took off, but she didn't want to admit it. She's become selfish, impatient, rude. She never suffered fools gladly, but now she finds fools everywhere, and she doesn't want to be that way. She needs someone who's not afraid to speak up and call her out when she crosses those lines. She wants him to be that person. He asks if his mother-in-law just gave him permission to criticize her, and she says she did. He says he's a lucky guy, takes the keys, and they hug.