By M. Giant
Mary Alice points out a sign on the bulletin board at Mike's rehab center: "A man is only as sick as his secrets." Orson walks by it, not noticing, because he's too preoccupied by flashbacks: the first night he met Mike, with his dead (murdered by Mama Hodge) mistress out of sight behind the center island. And then the time Mike seemed to recognize Orson while in Orson's dentist's chair. And then Orson's mom insisting that Orson remedy the situation. And finally, the flashback of Orson plowing over Mike in his car. That was a pretty decent stunt right there -- can't blame them for reusing it. Mary Alice tells us that Orson is worried about Mike's reasons for asking Orson to visit him in rehab. When Orson gets to Mike's room, Mike is all grim and ambiguously threatening, making Orson more and more nervous until he, quite unsurprisingly, asks Orson to forgive him. For writing that pill prescription, that is. Orson tells Mike not to apologize, and Mike is visibly relieved as he says, "If you don't get this stuff off your chest, it'll eat you alive." As Orson leaves, his on relief overriding his guilt and shame, Mary Alice makes with the judgy-judgy some more.
Gabby is getting a little tired of taking care of Carlos all the time -- stuff like fishing the carrots out of his soup, reading the paper to him, and generally treating him like a human being. Admittedly, he is being kind of a whiny bitch about the carrots, but she's unnecessarily mean when she refuses to let him tag along shopping. And when he finds another carrot, she says, "Just eat them! They're good for you're -- Just eat them!" That was unusually sensitive of her.
Gabby arrives for lunch with Bree, Susan, Katherine, and Edie at Scavo's Pizzeria. Where's Lynette? Waiting their table, of course. Bree gives some excited exposition about the upcoming Founder's Ball, which apparently didn't happen back when Katherine lived here the first time. Katherine offers to help Bree with the planning, and Bree accepts, much to everyone's surprise. They figure Katherine and Bree are going to be at each other's throats over the project. "I've faced cancer and a tornado," says Lynette, "But I'm runnin' from this."
As Lynette goes over to the counter, who should walk in but Rick. Lynette's kind of flustered to see him. Tom, who comes jealous-husbanding right over, isn't, so much. Anyway, Rick has stopped by to let them know that he's opening up a new place of his own on the nearby corner. He even poaches a customer right in front of them before sauntering out. Tom looks like he's auditioning for a new gig as a wooden Indian.
Orson's sleepwalking, and since he and Bree are still staying in Susan's house, he ends up in Susan's kitchen, muttering, "I had to do something." Where the patented Desperate Housewives wackiness comes in is in the fact that Susan finds him there while seeking to satisfy a late-night pregnancy craving, and also from the fact that Orson is naked. Madcap!
Tom comes home from work three hours late. Lynette, sitting up in bed and sporting a head of growing-back-from-chemo hair that makes her look like a dandelion impersonating Annie Lennox, accuses him of stewing over Rick's return. But Tom insists that he's welcoming the competition, and has spent the last three hours working on their menu. He compliments her new look, and she gives the mirror a rueful smile and agrees, "Yeah, it's coming back." Ooh, significant.
The morning, Orson comes downstairs to find Susan busily disinfecting the stool his bare ass was perched on the night before. Of course he has no idea what happened last night, and is quite disbelieving of Susan's story. When Bree comes down and hears about it, she decides that Susan had a sex dream. Orson plays along, saying temporarily single Susan just projected her feelings onto the "nearest available sex machine," in such a dorky way that I can't help cracking up. He bops off, and Bree suggests Susan simply climb into the tub with a romance novel. But Bree's old-fashioned, so she doesn't also suggest a shower nozzle.
Gabby is not at all dressed for her sojourn to "Price Warehouse," especially the heels that are so not suited for a trek across an expansive parking lot. She runs into Lynette on the way in, and complains about the lack of valet parking and the excessive number of handicapped spaces near the door. Lynette points out that Carlos, being blind, probably qualifies for a permit. Gabby gets a glint in her eye, because it's been almost ten minutes since she was a total asshole, unless you count all the condescending remarks she was making to Lynette just now.
Bree and Katherine sit at the Mayfair kitchen table, going over plans for the Founder's Ball. At first they seem to be going out of their way to be nice to each other and leave space for each other's ideas, but when Katherine hauls out a scrapbook the size of a tombstone, it becomes clear that things will very shortly be, as they say, on.
Dylan and Julie are up in Dylan's room with cookies, as Dylan complains about the whole thing and how she plans to beg off Katherine's request that she be a greeter. Julie's like, yeah, I'm in though, and also, stop being such a downer all the time. Dylan seems to be getting on board. Meanwhile, downstairs, Bree is trying to swallow both Katherine's relatively avant-garde ideas for the ball, and her pride at Katherine's condescending attitude. "Isn't learning fun?" Katherine smarms.
A couple of cops show up at Lynette's house investigating an act of vandalism. She thinks they want the kids, but they're in fact looking into a window-smashing at Rick's new place. Tom shows up at the door in his work shirt and is cool as ice as he tells the cops he was home early that night, enlisting Lynette as his accessory after the fact by making her his alibi. Put on the spot, she lies to the cops as well, and then Tom follows them down the sidewalk before she can talk to him about it. Yeah, he's going to pay for that later.
Gabby is already back at the store, happily loading up her convertible in the handicapped spot. Carlos is nowhere in sight, if you'll pardon the expression. A guy in a wheelchair, on his way in from the distant reaches of the parking lot, complains to Gabby about her taking the spot. She's predictably unsympathetic. "I have to walk in heels all day long!" she complains. "You get to sit in a chair and roll!" Things escalate, with another guy rolling up and then going off to get a security guard, while Gabby gets into a physical altercation with the first guy and sends him coasting down the lane. "Well, it's official, I'm going to Hell," Gabby realizes before rushing into her car. Was it Sartre who said, "Hell is Gabby"?
Lynette comes to see Tom at work and asks what the hell's up with him, with the whole making her lie to the police deal. "Did you know perjury is, like, this whole big thing?" she demands. Tom says she's overreacting, which she says she would be if she threw a brick through him. Tom explains that he just went by to see how the construction was going, saw the picture window, and a pile of bricks. Lynette says they got over the whole thing with Rick, but Tom is clearly not.
Susan is all jubilant at having caught Orson naked again, this time in her front yard. Now she has proof that she isn't crazy! "I didn't mean to do it," he mumbles. "I didn't mean it, Mike." Susan finally catches the snap that he's sleepwalking, which means that the proof that she isn't stupid will have to wait for another occasion. She slaps him awake. "Oh, dear God!" Orson exclaims as he realizes his state, and he dashes off for home. Susan has to yell out and remind him that he's staying with her, and he scampers back in. "There you go," Susan cringes.
Inside, wrapped in a blanket and sipping a cup of coffee, Orson claims to Susan that he doesn't sleepwalk. Susan asks if anything's bothering Orson and brings up what Orson said about Mike, and Orson suddenly thinks it would be a good idea for him and Bree to move back home. And in the meantime, since Susan's got a teenage daughter in the house, he agrees to sleep in boxers. Now that's a gentleman.
Gabby wants Carlos to come along with her to run some errands. He says he doesn't want to be a burden, but she insists he get out and live his life. Cue the montage of Gabby driving all over, parking in handicapped spots using Carlos like one of those dummies people get so they can drive in the carpool lane. Until she comes out of the beauty salon to find the car empty. Turns out Carlos got hungry and asked a kid to take him to get a burger. After Gabby finds him and starts leading him back to the car, Carlos hears someone yelling at Gabby about whether that's her car parked in the handicapped spot. He's rapidly and righteously pissed that Gabby is using him to get good parking, and she gets all emotional as she says that if she's always going to have to be worried about stuff like leaving the toothpaste in the right spot for Carlos to find for the rest of her life (which I don't believe for a minute -- this show will cure him, mark my words, even if it has to jump five years into the future to do it), then she's taking the sweet parking spots. So there.
This must be the Founder's Ball. The banquet hall is all dressed up, and so are Bree and Katherine as final preparations are being made. But all is not well, as Katherine has taken over all the food stuff. She even told the chef that nothing is to leave the kitchen without being tasted by Katherine, because people say stuff like that for lots of reasons having nothing to do with setting up plot points for later.
While Gabby helps Carlos with his cufflinks, he apologizes for what he's putting her through. Her response is almost sweet: "If it were anybody but you it wouldn't be worth it." She says he looks good, and he tells her she looks more beautiful than ever. "Just a hunch," he explains. He shouldn't follow his hunches so much, because her hair looks like flat-ironed ass.
Back at the banquet hall, Bree is just about to throw out some dodgy spinach dip when she receives a final humiliation: she gets word that Katherine is going to be presenting the big award that Bree usually gets to give. Bree picks up the dip and is about to head to the dumpster, but Katherine stops her, reminding her that nothing leaves the kitchen without her tasting it. Bree manages a smile. "Dig in," says our serial poisoner.
When the party starts, Bree goes up to a table of her friends, who are surprised that she and Katherine pulled it off. "We were sure one of you would end up killing the other," Lynette says. And as Katherine rushes by in the background on her way to the bathroom, Bree says, "You should really have more faith in people." With that, she excuses herself to follow Katherine.
In the bathroom, Katherine vomits extravagantly, but refuses to accept Bree's advice to go home -- despite the fact that she's pale and de-coiffed and looking like, in Bree's words, "she should be in line at the needle exchange." Katherine is dead set on presenting that award. Bree wishes Katherine were simply dead.
Later, as a still-visibly-fucked-up Katherine takes the podium to present the award, Bree sits at the table with her friends and complains bitterly about Katherine's always stealing the spotlight. Right on cue, Katherine announces Bree's name, causing the literal spotlight to fall on Bree. Okay, not literally literally, but you know what I mean. Not that Bree couldn't use a Fresnel upside the head now and again. Lynette has to remind a shocked Bree to walk to the stage as Katherine concludes a glowing speech over thunderous applause. But as Katherine yields the podium, she pleasantly says in Bree's ear, "I know you tried to poison me." So, have a good speech, Bree!
We don't get to hear Bree's speech, though, because Lynette gets a call from Andrew and we have to listen to that instead: it seems that Rick's place is, as they speak, burning to the ground. Lynette turns and looks at Tom's empty chair. But then Tom arrives and takes his seat. Oh, good, mystery solved. That's a relief. I'd hate to think he did anything else stupid.
As the party breaks up, Katherine confronts Bree about what happened. "Was there a straw that broke the camel's back, or were you planning on killing me all along?" Bree comes clean: she's got her niche around here, and she doesn't know how to be friends with Katherine, who also fits into the same niche. Katherine says that it's a shame, because they could be best friends. Tough, steely Katherine has yet another almost-crying moment (I think this makes twelve episodes in a row, by my rough count), but manages to keep the tears from falling as she says that she understands Bree better than anyone. "Who knew you were so insightful?" Bree manages. Katherine just takes Bree's hand, pulls her close, and says, "Isn't learning fun?" Okay, where's that spinach dip?
Meanwhile, Julie and Dylan are both glad that Dylan had fun, and is starting to lighten up. "Thank you, Julie," Julie makes Dylan say, not once but twice. In fact, Dylan has lightened up so much that when Katherine and Bree show up to take pictures with them, Dylan takes her mom's arm.
Julie comes in late, to find Orson sitting at the foot of the steps, mercifully in pajamas. Julie realizes that Orson is sleepwalking, and is about to help him to bed when Orson says, "I'm sorry I ran you over, Mike." Julie swallows hard, and appears to decide that Orson can get his own ass to bed after that.
morning, Mary Alice gives an obvious monologue about blindness. There's Carlos's literal blindness as he gropes for the newspaper on his front step; Lynette's alleged blindness to Tom's jealousy (even as she reads a banner headline reading ARSON SUSPECTED IN RESTAURANT FIRE, as though anyone else in this town cares); Bree's blindness to the possibility of making a rival into a friend; Orson's obliviousness to his own guilty feelings, and to the fact that Julie is staring holes in the back of his head. Finally, and most obliquely, we see someone living in squalor in a different neighborhood with a different newspaper, flipping to the style section as Mary Alice warns us against people who are blind to the evil in their own hearts. She tells us we need to find them before they find us, as the mysterious figure circles Dylan's face on a Founders Ball photo. Hold on, now -- you're telling me there are two newspapers in the world that give a shit about Fairview restaurant fires and Founders Balls? This show has always been about shockers at the end of the episode, but this one blows me away.