By DeAnn Welker
All of the plots thicken this week, and it turns out it's all about men and how they are all apparently mysterious and/or douchebags. In Susan and Gaby's lives, it's their lying husbands. This week, the women discover that Carlos let Mike borrow $50,000 and they're both lying to their wives about it. Susan and Gaby set up a dinner where they make Mike think that Susan might be having an affair with Carlos, and where they make Carlos think Mike's been spending money like crazy since the loan. Needless to say, the guys end up eating crow, and it's not clear if Susan will ever be able to trust Mike again. The good news, though, is that it seems like she'll pay off his debts (why he would rather Carlos do that than her is beyond my comprehension, since they are MARRIED), and Gaby might get her ski chalet.
Bree's mysterious man is Sam, who gets less mysterious and more crazy when they run into his mom -- alive and well -- working in a grocery store. Turns out he's pissed since he found out that she hid a letter from Rex from when he was four, offering to take him in for full custody to give him a better life. Sam's angry and resentful that Andrew got the life he wanted to have, and he ends up throwing things while he tells Bree this. Bree and Andrew make up, and he wants to get rid of Sam, but she's scared of him and doesn't think it will be that simple. Of course not. Danny's still friendly with his biodad/murderer Patrick at the coffeeshop, until Nick comes in and Patrick asks lots of questions about him. He learns he runs at night, so he finds him running and plows into him with his car. Nick could tell it was intentional so, while he's in the hospital, he tells Angie to take Danny and run. She won't leave him, but does send Danny away. After three days she finally tells Nick she'll go join Danny, but she goes home first, where Patrick's waiting for her with candles lit all over the house (wha... why?). He invites himself to stay, saying she can't stop him or she'll go to jail, too, and they both know she won't kill him, and if she tries to run he'll kill Nick in the hospital.
Finally, there's Eddie, who's living with Tom and Lynette now. He adores Lynette and goes ballistic when Porter is rude to her and then calls her a bitch. It's a full on psychopathic rage, so Lynette tells him to learn to breathe through it, which is what she did when she grew up with an alcoholic mother. When Tom comes home from work and starts lecturing Lynette about not having dinner waiting, Eddie starts counting and breathing. Serial killer comedy: It's so wacky! Tom wants Eddie to get lost, but Lynette wants to take him to therapy. Which they do, and the therapist wants his mom to join. Lynette goes to track down Barbara and the neighbor says she's been gone but her car's there; it's so weird. I'm finding myself more concerned about this Eddie plot than I have been about anything on this show possibly ever. I think it's because I don't want anything to happen to Lynette. Couldn't they make sure the crazy people only live with Bree and Susan?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the season's most outlandish moments. And check back soon for the full weecap!
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.
Previously: Mike was poor, so he borrowed money from Carlos. Andrew studied up on Sam, who said his mom was dead. Eddie killed his mom, and Lynette invited him to move in with their family. Angie revealed to Gaby that Danny's real father is "a really bad guy." Now: Mary Alice's Voiceover starts: "Many years ago, a terrorist fell in love with a woman." We see Patrick Logan lying awake in bed when his alarm goes off. "This woman believed in the terrorist and his cause." Angie cooks eggs. "Until an undercover agent showed up, determined to stop them." Nick shaves. "The terrorist wanted to attack those he thought were hurting the planet." Patrick looks at a blue shirt. "So he got the woman to help him build a bomb." Angie sets down food and stares ahead. "But something went wrong, and someone was killed." Nick stops shaving, and stares at himself in the mirror. "The terrorist didn't care. He said it was unavoidable." We see his fake IDs. "The woman wanted to turn herself in, but she was pregnant." We see a picture of Angie with a baby. "So the agent convinced her to run away with him, and he raised the child as his own." A recent picture of Danny and Nick. "So they escaped from the terrorist, hoping and praying he would never find them. Unfortunately, he did."
Patrick walks into Danny's coffeeshop once again, and they make more small talk about his novel. Patrick tells Danny that endings are a bitch, and he really needs to surprise his audience. (Hey, is he speaking for Marc Cherry?) Patrick doesn't see Nick walk in behind him, so when Danny says, "Hey, I know you're my dad," he's a little worried. Until Danny finishes "But you've still gotta close the door when you come in." Nick invites Danny to join him for a run tonight, they chit-chat, and then he leaves. Patrick keeps his back to Nick the whole time, then asks Danny if that was his dad. Danny says yeah, and he should have introduced them. He says his dad runs every night, and is pretty inspiring. Patrick asks if kids his age don't usually hate their dads, and Danny says they've had their issues, but he's sacrificed a lot for him, so this is how he pays him back. (What is how he pays him back is not clear.) Patrick agrees payback is important. That night, Nick goes for his run and Patrick's out driving. MAVO: "It took the terrorist 20 years to find the man who betrayed him." He sees Nick running, passes him, turns the car around, and mows him down. "And his plan for revenge was just getting started." Title card.
MAVO continues about how our mothers tell us to beware of mysterious men, and we see all the neighborhood children not taking candy or getting into cars with someone we don't see. But Penny opens her door to Eddie and Lynette lets him right in. He has grocery bags, so tells Lynette he decided to go to the store for her since she was cool enough to take him in. The washing machine buzzes, and Eddie jumps to put the clothes in the dryer, but Lynette says it's Porter's turn. Porter tells her he can't; he's late to go to the mall with his friends. They argue about it, and then Eddie tells Porter not to talk to his mother like that. He ends up muttering, "Bitch," and turning to go meet his friends. Eddie runs after him and pushes him to the ground, yelling, "Don't talk to your mother like that," and starts choking him. Lynette has to pull him off of Porter, and then she sends Porter away. Eddie cries that he's sorry, he just can't watch her be disrespected like that. He goes to do the laundry, and Lynette watches him with concern.
Mike shows up at Carlos's to give him some money. Carlos yells, "For the church raffle! So Sister Mary can finally replace her..." Then shuts the door and says quietly, "Gaby's home." And she's going to buy that these two are working together on a church raffle? Um, okay. Mike thanks Carlos again for saving his ass, and says he's making a lot of cutbacks so he can pay him back quickly. Carlos asks him to make sure Gaby doesn't find out, and Mike's like, duh, then she'd tell Susan. Mike hollers to give his best to "Sister Carrie" as Carlos opens the door to go in. Inside, Gaby's waiting in a sexy nightie. He says, "Woah," since it's the middle of the afternoon. She asks him to come upstairs, but he replies, "No thanks. I can't afford it. Every time you offer me afternoon sex, it is because you want something, and it is not afternoon sex." She shows him a flier for a ski chalet in Aspen she wants. He lies that all their money's tied up in a business deal, but he won't tell her what deal.
When Mike gets home, Susan's lying on a piano. He wonders why it's there, and closes the curtain as he asks how much it cost. She says it was free, since her aunt Regina died. But she wants Gaby to think it cost $30,000, since she's always flaunted how much they spend on everything and now it's Susan's turn. Mike tells Susan not to stoop to Gaby's level; she's better than that. She says she's really not. Agreed. He tells her he's serious; she's not telling Gaby she paid for this piano. She says this is her chance and wonders when she'll ever get so lucky as to have an aunt have a stroke while driving again. Sam and Bree are at the supermarket, which she notes with horror is out of cilantro. Bree wants to go to the kosher aisle to get a few things for the Schwartzman bar mitzvah, but Sam notices a store clerk and tells Bree he needs to get baking soda. It's in the cart, so Bree follows him and catches him arguing with the store clerk. He tells her it was just someone he used to know, and that they'll go to Hudson's Market downtown. Bree tries to protest, but Sam says it's all about cilantro.
Angie visits Nick in the hospital. He has one of those bandage things wrapped around his head, which only happens on TV. Angie asks him if he saw who hit him, and he says no, but the car drove past him, then turned and swerved right into him. He tells her to get Danny, go home, and get whatever they can stuff into a couple bags, and leave. She says Nick's not travel-ready and she's absolutely not going without him. He tells her to go to the place they talked about, near Carbondale, just for a few weeks. She says not without him. She'll send Danny, but this is as far as she and Nick run. He asks what they'll do it if is Patrick, and she says they've been asking that question for 20 years, so now they'll find out.
Lynette gets up in the middle of the night and wakes Eddie, who's sleeping fully clothed on the couch, to ask him about what happened with Porter. Eddie asks if she's mad or wants him to leave. She says no to both, but she needs to know what that was about since it looked like he really wanted to hurt them. Eddie says her family doesn't appreciate her. She tells him that sometimes her family is unappreciative, but what happened today can't happen again. He knows. She tells him that she also grew up with an alcoholic mother, so she was angry all the time, but she had to find a way to control herself. She says she had a great counselor, who taught her to breathe deeply and count when she thought she was going to lose it. She tells him to try it time. He says he's really sorry about what he did. She says it's fine, but not to ever do it again, then she thanks him for wanting to. He looks sad, and I can't help feeling sorry for the little killer.
Gaby's at their business manager's office. She threatens him by grabbing his hand and putting it on her ass and saying she'll tell Carlos if he doesn't tell her what he's doing with their money. He finally tells him that he let one of their neighbors, Mike, borrow $50,000. She says his business is in big trouble. Gaby worries about Susan, who she says is one of her closest friends and never said a word. She asks the guy for parking validation, which he only gives her after she puts his hand on her ass again. Angie's giving Danny money and instructions to leave, but he says it's stupid since it's been 20 years and they haven't seen or heard from "this Patrick Logan guy." She says she's not going to debate this with him and asks him to just humor her, because if she's wrong she's just wrong, but if she's not... He takes her money and goes.
Bree's back at the market, approaching the store clerk who was arguing with Sam. The clerk knows who Bree is. A lot of boring buildup to the very obvious reveal that she's Sam's mother. She and Bree grab coffees at the market to discuss this further. Bree asks if she's aware Sam tells people she's dead. She heard that, and says Sam's a complicated boy. She asks Bree if Sam told her who his father was, and then asks if he mentioned the letter Rex sent him. Apparently, Rex had just started his practice and wrote to say he could give Sam a better life and asked for full-time custody. Sam's mom declined the offer, and Sam never knew about it until he found the letter a few months ago. When he realized he could have lived in that nice house all those years, he was livid. Bree still doesn't get why he'd pretend his mom's dead, so she reiterates that he's a complicated boy.
Gaby shows up at Susan's and gives her groceries that she pretends she thinks will go bad, and her cupboards are cluttered, so Gaby would be doing her a huge favor. Susan invites her in to see the piano, and Gaby's like, "Wow." Susan says, "Me wanty, me likey, me getty." Gaby asks how much it "costy," and Susan responds that Mike doesn't want her to say, but if she told Gaby, her jaw would drop 30,000 times. Gaby asks if it's the best time, right after Mike's truck was repossessed. Susan says they got a big cash infusion, and Gaby turns to storm out but quickly comes back and says, "You owe me $50,000!" Susan has no idea what she means, so Gaby tells her not to play dumb, since Carlos loaned Mike the money. But Susan isn't playing dumb, of course. She is dumb. Susan says that Mike told her business picked up, and Gaby says he lied to Susan just like Carlos lied to her. Gaby's mad Susan spent the money on a piano, but Susan says she inherited it and was trying to make her jealous. Gaby, "Oh, honey, given different circumstances, that so would have worked." Susan's pissed that she has the money sitting in the bank and Mike would rather borrow it from them. She picks up the phone to screech at Mike, but Gaby has a better idea.
Tom arrives home from a work trip, and he's starving. Eddie's at the table, which Tom sees doesn't have a plate covered with tinfoil on it, so he's disappointed. Lynette tells him there was one, but one of their fifty children must have inhaled it. He says "Dammit," and she tells him to calm down. But he always had food waiting for her when she was working. She agrees he was so considerate in his eighth month. He snarks that he keeps forgetting she's the only person who's ever been pregnant. They continue to have a regular-old argument and Eddie starts counting and breathing. Tom keeps yelling when he sees there's no food in the fridge, and Lynette tells him he might want to take it down a notch. But he doesn't. Then he notices that Lynette's watching Eddie count and asks what the hell he's doing. Lynette tells Eddie it's okay, and Eddie counts to "26, 27..." as Tom tells him to stick a sock in it. Lynette makes Tom kiss her, and tells Eddie it's okay, see?! Eddie starts to calm down a bit. Lynette whispers to Tom that they'll talk about it later.
In their room, Tom unpacks and asks if Eddie attacked their son. Tom wants him out, but Lynette says he's not some exchange student from France; he comes from an abusive home and they have to accept he has some baggage. Tom: "So I have to wonder if he's going to punch me anytime I raise my voice to you?" Lynette says she's not sending him back to live with that woman. She suggests therapy might help. Tom yells, "So now we have to pay for his therapy?" Lynette says maybe "we all stop yelling at me. What a concept: Be nice to Lynette." Tom: "Fine. We'll try the therapy." Ha.
Bree's making flower arrangements and filling Orson in on how Sam's a big liar and his mom's been working at the market all this time. Orson says he guesses his instincts were right, and Bree asks him not to gloat. He knows she's upset and stops. She tells him that when Sam showed up, she felt like she got a little piece of Rex back, which was wonderful, but this forced her to remember Rex was a liar, too. Orson holds her hand, which is when Sam walks in and asks if he's interrupting something. She asks Orson to excuse them, and then confronts Sam about his mother being alive. He says, "She is dead... to me." Then he tells her the same story about the letter Rex wrote when he was four. She says his mom loved him and wanted him with her. Sam says his mother should have wanted more for him. He says that while Andrew got bicycles for Christmas, Sam had to sit in the trailer with mittens on because she couldn't pay the heating bill. He yells she should have wanted more for him and shatters a vase against the sink. Then he calms down and says he's going to talk with the Schwartzmans about their bar mitzvah if she wants to go over the menu later. He leaves, and Bree looks more than a little worried.
Lynette's in the therapy waiting room when Eddie and the therapist come out. She asks how it went and Eddie says it was kinda weird, but the therapist says Eddie did very good work today. Eddie goes to the restroom, and the therapist says Eddie has some issues that will take time to work through. She asks how much more time at $130 an hour. The therapist says it would work faster to get Eddie's mother in here, but he thinks she won't agree to that. Lynette says she can get her in here, and then asks if everything will be okay then. The therapist says to just get her in here. Lynette looks worried. Later, she's knocking on the door of Eddie's old house, calling for Barbara. No answer, obviously. As Lynette goes to leave the neighbor asks if she's looking for Barbara Orlofsky. She says no one's seen her for days, and her car's still here. "It's weird."
Andrew shows up at Bree's and says there's a crazy rumor going around that she has something for him. She says just an apology, and he says if it comes with one of her muffins, he may accept it. They hug, and she tells him he was right about Sam from the start and she should have trusted him. He says he doesn't even need a muffin now. Orson asks what they'll do about Sam now, and Andrew thinks it's easy to just get rid of him. Bree says it might not be that simple, since she saw a side of Sam last night that has made her afraid of him.
Gaby and Carlos show up to Mike and Susan's for dinner. The women act all fake and happy about their dinner party, and Susan says she wanted to show them the piano she bought. Carlos is like, "That looks pricey." Susan says, "$30,000, plus delivery and tax and a biannual tuning fee." She asks them not to tell Mike she told them, because he's embarrassed about how ostentatious it is and is telling everyone they inherited it from Susan's aunt. The women go to check on dinner, and Carlos asks about the piano. Mike tells him not to worry about it, since Susan inherited it from her dead aunt. Carlos: "Wow. Without even blinking." Susan asks if anyone can help her set the table. Gaby offers up Carlos, leaving her with Mike in the kitchen to get wine. Mike asks if they have any big trips planned, and Gaby cries and says she thinks Carlos is having an affair because she discovered $50,000 is missing from their accounts. Mike thinks it can't be an affair, so Gaby asks if he's covering for him, since she stole his cell phone and he called Mike's house 100 times. Mike says he hasn't been talking to him. Gaby tells him to give Carlos the name of his divorce lawyer the time they're not talking.
In the other room, Susan pretends to drop an earring, and says she just got them today. She pretends to find it, and then says that would have been $3,000 out the window. He asks her if she bought $3,000 earrings and she says of course not; Mike did. He's so generous now that they're loaded again. She tells Carlos she's never noticed how veiny his forehead is before. Get it? Because he's angry. And only getting angrier. Mike and Carlos confront each other by the door. Mike's all friendly, saying they have a bit of a problem. Carlos is like, "No kidding," and Mike wonders if Gaby told him. Carlos says no, he heard it all from Susan. Mike's not surprised the way those two talk, but at least it's not true. Carlos tells him it's true and they both know it. Mike: "It is?" Carlos tells him not to act surprised, and then says he never should have written that check. Mike, the dumbest person in the world, asks him if he paid for it. "Ew."
The women walk in then, just in time to interrupt before the guys figure out they're talking about different things. When Carlos sits down, Susan sticks her boobs in his face as she offers him food, saying she has two nice big meatballs for him. He says he's fine. Gaby says she saw him leering at Susan's breasts, and Susan asks Gaby to leave Carlos alone. Gaby: "Oh my God! It's you." She says Susan's the one having the affair with Carlos, which makes sense with all the phone calls to this house. He asks if she looked at his phone, and she's like, "Yes, and thank God I did." She turns to Susan: "Whore!" Carlos asks if Gaby's lost her mind; he's not having an affair with Susan. He asks Mike if he believes him, and he says he guesses, but why is Carlos calling over here all the time. Carlos says he isn't, and asks Susan to confirm it for him. She says, "Forget it, Carlos. We might as well confess." Carlos: "Confess WHAT?!" Susan tells Mike that he wouldn't take her money, and she always knew Carlos had a thing for her, so she told him she'd sleep with him if he would loan Mike money. Gaby fake-gasps, and Mike gets up to fight Carlos. Carlos says he didn't touch her, but only loaned the money to a friend, who screwed him over by buying a piano. Mike repeats the piano was an inheritance, so Carlos asks about the earrings. Mike asks her if she bought diamond earrings, and she says, "Oh, yeah, with the $50,000 you borrowed from Carlos." The guys figure out they've been had. Susan asks Mike if he feels betrayed and humiliated, because she only did this to show him what it feels like when the person who's supposed to love you the most lies to you. Gaby says she just did it because she wants a ski chalet.
Later, Mike and Susan are alone. He doesn't know what to say so she'll know how sorry he is. She says she does know and she's not looking for another apology. What she is looking for is his word that he won't freeze her out like this again. He swears, and she says good. The camera backs up to show piles of bills. She asks if it's everything, and he asks if she wants him to walk her through it. She says no, she just wants to get a sense of where they stand; she'll ask if she has questions. He kisses her on the head and leaves her there, crying over his bills.
At the hospital, Angie asks him why they're putting him in a coma on purpose, since his brain seems fine. "It's not like you think you're Napoleon." Nick looks at her and she makes sure he doesn't think he's Napoleon. He says there's a little swelling pushing against his skull, and they say this is going to relieve it. He says he'll only be out a couple of days, and tells her to be with Danny. She says she was thinking of bringing him back, since it's been three days and nothing's happened. She's starting to think Nick was wrong, but he says they're not taking any chances. He starts to get out of the hospital bed and says he'll drag her out of town himself. She says she'll go stay with Danny if it will keep him from killing himself. He says okay, and tells her she's easy to get along with. She shakes her head and gives him a kiss.
When she gets home that night, there are candles everywhere. Patrick, behind her, says, "Hey, Angie." She turns and he says she doesn't seem surprised to see him. Then he tells her he's already found her gun, so don't bother running to get it. She tells him to go to hell, and he says the suburbs must be forcing her to think in clichés. She says it was him who ran over Nick, and Patrick asks if she'd believe him if he said it was an accident. She says he'll never find Danny, and he says that's okay; they're not that close. She asks if he's going to kill her and he says no, he needs her alive. She's going to do him a favor. She asks what kind, and he says they'll discuss it tomorrow. He's had a long couple days, what with searching the house for firearms and running down Dudley Douchebag. He asks which way to the guestroom, and she asks if he really thinks she'll let him stay here. He says she has no choice, because if she calls the cops, they'll arrest her and Nick. She asks if he isn't afraid she'll kill him in his sleep. He's not, because the past 20 years showed them both she's not a killer. He says if she runs away, she should stop and say goodbye to Nick, who won't be around long if she runs. He says to do what he says, and he'll let them both live.
MAVO's back, talking about mysterious men. First, Patrick. "They make promises they have no intention of keeping." Then Sam. "They tell lies to get what they want." Eddie. "They may be more dangerous than they seem." Cut to Susan. "Yes, our mothers told us we cannot trust the men we don't know." She turns to Mike. "And those we do know? Well, we can't always trust them either."
week: Announcer guy says words like revenge, money, betrayal, power, sex and blackmail. Patrick points a gun and we hear a gunshot. Gaby calls someone a liar. Lynette says there's no way her son hurt that girl. The announcer says there are no words to describe the danger coming to Wisteria Lane. Susan's voice: "Oh my God." Patrick grabs Angie. Bree tells someone (presumably Sam) to get out.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the season's most outlandish moments.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, likes that almost everyone has a big, mysterious storyline as we approach the finale. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.