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Recapped by Evany · Aired 05-13-2006

Welcome to the episode of suffering, everybody! Susan can't get her fire insurance money until she proves Edie is the arsonist who burned the Mayer home to the ground, so she confronts Edie while wearing a wire. Edie gleefully furnishes Susan with a confession, but then Susan's twitchy behavior tips Edie off to the presence of the bug. Susan makes a run for it, and Edie gives chase. They tussle in the park, and a hive of angry yellow jackets is roused. Cut to Edie lying in the hospital, her face a Raging Bull of stings, her body swollen to super-size. Susan, whom for some reason escaped the wrath of the hornets, stops by and gamely offers not to give Edie's confession to the cops if Edie will just state for the record that she saw like a random hobo or whatever start the fire. But Edie refuses: she'd rather go down for arson than help Susan in any way, shape, form. Bree can't sleep ever since she gave Andrew the boot, and her haunted sleeplessness culminates in a horrifying meltdown right in the middle of Danielle's birthday party. Danielle runs crying to Matthew and discovers that he's been locked up in the basement, so she clocks Betty with a tire iron and together she and Matthew run far, far away. Danielle's goodbye note isn't exactly the nicest (it bluntly blames Bree for everything), and it sends Bree straight to the nuthatch, where she politely checks herself in for observation. Suspicious Lynette follows Tom when he leaves on another one of his Atlantic City business trips. And her suspicions are richly rewarded: she sees Tom go to another woman's home, drink wine with the woman, and then suggestively head upstairs with the woman. When Tom returns from his trip, he discovers that Lynette's made good on her long-ago promise to take the kids and leave if she ever caught him cheating. Felicia finally makes her big move with CreePaul; armed with a stockpile of her own her blood plus two of her own fingers (I know), she stages her own murder scene at the Young house and neatly traps CreePaul in a tight little frame-up. Xiao Mei the Money is officially pregnant, and Carlos jumps to pamper her: he takes over Money's house work, he makes Gabby stop wearing perfume or scented beauty products because they make Money barf, and then he gives Money the master bedroom. Gabby is not amused, so she Money-bombs the bedroom by spraying the walls, floor, furniture, and bed with of all her most scented scents, and Money is forced to move back to her old room. Carlos is not amused, and he heads out for a night on the couch, where he finds a sexy Money waiting with a sympathetic bare shoulder and a sexy roast beef sandwich. And cue the plucky and delightful "cheating Gabby is in danger of an ironic comeuppance (in the form of Carlos cheating with the secretly sexy and now-pregnant maid)" music!

Previously: oh, just all the heartache (Bree breaks up with Andrew), and betrayal (Betty discovers Matthew set up Caleb to be put to sleep), and betrayal (sadly, what happened in Atlantic City did not stay in Atlantic City for Tom), and betrayal (Susan confesses her affair with Karl to Edie), and betrayal (Edie torches Susan's house) from last week.

We open on Susan's blackened home. Susan unburies that famous cheery photo of the Ladies (Bree, Gabby, Lynette, MA, and Susan all smiling, arm in arm) and lovingly brushes away the soot. MAVO tells us that Susan has always believed that there's one silver lining to life's big, tragic events: you find out who your friends are. We flash back on Bree serving a tearful Susan a tray of homemade cookies after Susan's grandmother died. MAVO: "And when the critics panned [Susan's] third book [because critics love playing the heavy with children's book illustrators?], it was Gabrielle who hired the handsome masseur." We see a similarly teary Susan, sitting on the exact same couch, but this time, the comfort of cookies has been replaced by a swarthy man in a wife-beater who is precariously perched on the arm of the sofa and giving Susan's stooped shoulders an awkward and a seemingly very un-relaxing rubdown. , we see Susan sitting on her crying couch on the eve of her divorce finalization, and this time it's Lynette who administers Susan's salve: a very stiff scotch. Back in the charred house now, MAVO notes that Susan's friends are once again front and center to help her "pick up the pieces." Bree, Lynette, and Gabby come up to Susan, and together they insist that Susan move in with Bree for a spell, what with Bree having extra room since Andrew's departure. Susan, gratefully: "I don't deserve friends like you." Lynette, sarcastically: "We're aware of that." The ladies chuckle. Just then, Kyle McOrsonlin emerges from the wreckage and says something inane to Susan (while Mike looks up from his cinder sorting to eye him suspiciously) about needing more trash bags. Wait, so the ominous random dentist is in this scene, and yet Julie is completely MIA? Way to shoehorn a random minor character into the mix while completely overlooking a main player who really should be on site, processing her losses. But okay, let's just say that Julie's at school, or flapping her angel wings down at the local soup kitchen, or living on Karl's houseboat or wherever it is that he lives now that he broke up with Edie. (And while we're cataloging the MIA, where's Hempy in this episode? Or, at the very least, where's the scene that shows Bree getting a new sponsor? Or is Bree's alcoholism MIA now, too?)

Enter Bud Penrod (played by Hey! It's That Guy! Stephen Tobolowsky) of Town and Country Insurance, the "Can Do" people. He looks at Susan's demolished house and hilariously comments, "Well that's no fun at all, is it?" Susan ruefully agrees, and then asks how long she'll have to wait for her check. According to Bud, the fire department has ruled the incident as arson, so her claim is going to be held up until the police figure out who's responsible. And really, do you blame Susan's insurance people for being a little cagey? After all, her house has been deliberately licked with flames (at least) once before. Bud and Susan go back and forth about who might hate Susan enough to do such a thing. Susan draws a complete blank, insisting that she's universally loved in Fairview. Why, the entire neighborhood is there trying to help Susan put the cinders of her slashed and burned life back together again! And yet...what about the spurned little doctor Ron? Or Susan's bio-father's wife, the one who spray-painted Susan's garage with foot-high letters that spelled out "WHORE"? Or Susan's ex-agent, whom she rejected and deserted when he was at his very lowest? Or hey, what about the paperboy, who probably still hasn't recovered after his heinous Susan-caused crash? Conveniently forgetting all these injured parties, Susan continues to insist that she's totally popular. But then she spies Edie, who's standing across the street in an outfit of head-to-toe pink with not a smudge of neighborly soot to be found. Not only is Edie not helping out Susan out, she's showily sucking on a phallic and also outfit-matching popsicle (one of those pink and yellow sherbet Missile pops) with suspiciously carefree glee. A look of grim understanding passes across Susan's face, and cue the abbreviated title sequence (sigh).

(And goodbye to Mr. Penrod! It's a lovely and all-too-brief visit from the Tobolowsky, but fear not, we'll be able to get our Tobolowsky fix soon enough in National Lampoon's Totally Baked: A Potumentary, due out later this year.)

MAVO welcomes us back with a trilling speech about the life of yellow jackets -- how some of them yearn to fly free of the hive and "leave the stress and noise of constant companionship behind them," only to discover "how dangerous it is to be alone in the world." Over the desperate strains of "Pointed Analogy" music, the camera follows a solo CGI yellow jacket as it flies to its doom under the grinding toe of Felicia -- who, as you'll discover before this night is through, is even crazier than everybody thought (and we all thought she was pretty crazy to begin with).

After demolishing the CGI yellow jacket, Felicia looks up and notices that Zana is taking out the trash. This, it seems, is exactly the distraction Felicia's been waiting for (even though taking out the trash takes, what, all of twenty seconds?); she hastily tiptoes across their backyards, through the Youngs' back door, and into the kitchen. Felicia opens some cupboards, sorts through some drawers (Zana isn't back yet? Really?), and then...bingo! She opens another set of cupboards, and there they are: the keys for the Youngs' SUV, the pool house, the house itself -- all clearly labeled and hanging neatly on a row of pegs. I have no idea why Felicia was so sure she'd find such a boon (and I grew up in suburbia), but it is lucky for her that she did, because in walks CreePaul. Felicia grabs a bag of flour and heads for the front door, and CreePaul shouts at her that he's going to call the cops. Felicia, breezily, creepily: "No need! I just needed to borrow a little flour. I'm a little bit psychic, and I predict fresh-baked cookies in your future!" She turns and leaves just as Zana returns, finally, from his epic trash-removal journey. CreePaul snaps at Zana to grab some trash bags: they're going to toss out all their food. Zana: "You think she was trying to poison us?" CreePaul: "All I know is we're eating out tonight."

Edie is up on a ladder, changing a light bulb on her front stoop, when Susan shrugs her way up. "I apologize in advance for how this is going to sound," Susan stutters, "but by any chance, did you burn down my house?" Edie, a glorious vision of pink with hand on hip, simply says, "Yes." Susan is aghast. Susan is confused! By way of clarification, Edie calls Susan a "sleazy little whore." Susan is still confused! So Edie patronizingly directs Susan to the "acid" letter that she sent, in which Susan confessed to sleeping with Karl. Susan: "You weren't supposed to get that; I stole that back from the mailman!" Oh, Susan. So now Edie's doubly mad, what with Susan not only sleeping with Karl, but then also admitting to trying to cover it up. Susan tries to direct the conversation back to how Edie "maliciously set fire" to Susan's house. Edie admits that she might have "overreacted a tad." Susan, wailing and flapping: "You can't just go around burning down people's homes!" Edie: "Why not? You burnt down my home, you stole Mike from me, you slept with my fiancé. That's the trifecta! You're lucky I didn't torch your car." All good points...except for that Mike part. Since when did Mike ever belong to Edie? Susan says that she's going to call the cops, and Edie's all, "And tell them what?" It's not like anyone heard her confess just now -- it'll be Edie's word against Susan's. And in that matchup, my money's on Edie, considering Susan's history of failed attempts at getting the police to believer her.

By Evany

Bree tidies up Andrew's room in preparation for Susan and Julie's arrival, while Danielle, bored and anemic, looks on. Bree manic-babbles about what fun it will be with all four girls living together -- just like a sorority! Ugh. Danielle: "Why are you pretending to be happy? I heard you walking around your room, all night long, crying." Bree brushes her off, and tells Danielle to stop worrying -- that Andrew is capable of looking out for himself: "And if he can't, he shouldn't have run away in the first place." Ooh, so Bree lied to Danielle and told her that he ran away? That's probably going to come back and haunt her. Of course, things people say coming back to haunt them is what this show is all about. Bree hugs Danielle, and gushes that maybe Andrew leaving will be a boon, seeing that Bree can now concentrate all her super-mommy powers directly onto Danielle. Danielle: "There's definitely room for improvement." Bree looks at her with question-mark eyes, and Danielle explains. And, you're not going to believe this, but apparently somewhere in the middle of Bree's alcoholic spiral, Danielle's birthday got overlooked! Bree is scandalized. And so am I, frankly; Appearances-Are--to-Godliness Bree must have been pretty out to lunch for her to have missed her daughter's birthday. And isn't it really unlike bitchy Danielle to let such an oversight pass? In any case, Bree is sure fired up to make right with Danielle, and promises to throw Danielle a huge party. While Danielle thinks a rager might be "cool," what she really wants is Andrew's room. This seems to throw off Bree, who is obviously clinging to the idea that Andrew might return home someday. Which is weird, in light of how convinced she seemed that she didn't want him around just last week? Danielle: "Mom, you forgot my birthday. You're really in no position to negotiate." Bree hems and haws that Andrew may come back someday. Danielle: "He won't. Like you said: I'm all you have left." Just listen as the "horrible, unfeeling teen daughter" music swells!

While Lynette looks on, ruffling her hair in suspicion and frustration (and wearing a light blue men's top with rows and rows of goofy embroidered grey dots, which I either love or hate, I still can't quite decide), Tom cheerfully packs for a trip with "Jerry" and some of the other guys from the "old gang" to Atlantic City (which, according to the official Atlantic City website, is the city that is "Always Turned On"). Tom: "It's been forever since I've been, so how could I turn that down?" Lynette: "'How,' indeed?" Tom's married-forever meter picks up on Lynette's sarcasm, so he starts to grill her. She denies that anything's wrong and laughs dismissively, so Tom turns back to his packing. But then Lynette finally gives in, and all in a rush, she says, "Except that I know you've been to Atlantic City three times in the last month without telling me." Tom bursts into laughter, but Lynette doesn't join him. Tom: "Am I going to have to ruin the surprise? Because it's a really good surprise." Lynette immediately gives him the green light to obliterate the surprise. Tom, with unbridled enthusiasm, reveals that he's up for a top spot at Jerry's firm, "Huffington Promotions." He hands Lynette the business card of "the CEO himself" and challenges her to call the man if she doesn't believe him. Lynette's tension melts, and she puts the business card down on the bed and hugs him in huge relief. And yet...wouldn't Lynette be just as upset by the possibility of Tom taking a job in Atlantic City, thereby uprooting the entire family? Tom, teasingly: "Did you think I was cheating?" Lynette guffaws and then spits out a couple of denials, but then yes, yes, she laughingly agrees that maybe, just maybe, she thought that there was another woman. Tom turns back to his packing, and Lynette continues to say that her suspicions weren't all that nuts, what with the flowers and the show tickets, and...speaking of which, what about those flowers and show tickets? For a split second, Tom's face freezes in a very suspicious way, but then he turns back to Lynette, and, with conviction and sincerity, he tells her that Jerry was his date for the show, and the flowers were "for Milt's wife." Lynette bobs and weaves, bobs and weaves, pretending that she's all totally cool and down with Tom's story, except...why flowers for Milt's wife? Tom, looking fed up now, gives her a look, and she backs down. Lynette retreats from the room, gushing out an "I love you" as she goes. Tom "I love you"s back, and then he turns back to his packing. But then at the last second, Lynette turns back and sees Tom slyly move that business card into his bag -- you know, the one with the phone number that he told Lynette to call to confirm his story? Lynette looks sick, and the "Cheating Cheetah Cheat Cheater" music thrums. Wow, Tom is a liar. An agile and quick-on-his-feet liar. It's kind of surprising he didn't do better back at the old ad job.

Gabby comes downstairs and finds Carlos operating a vacuum cleaner, while Money is lounging on the couch. Gabby asks them where all her "beauty products" are, and Money weakly points to a huge plastic box. Gabby: ??? Carlos sheepishly explains that he "forgot" to tell her, but she needs to ixnay all the sniffy products. Gabby, shocked: "Even my hair pomade?" Carlos defers to Money, who says, "It gives me stomach ache." Gabby: "Yeah, well it gives me volume, so I guess we're both going to have a problem." Carlos asks whether she has "to be so high-maintenance." Gabby retorts that he "married a model," meaning that "maintenance is [her] only skill." You know, I would have thought Gabby would be more sympathetic, considering she did quite a lot of morning sicking, too. Money tries to put a halt to all the fighting, and she says in her little smile voice, "Please, if Mrs. Solis smell bad, I be okay!" To paraphrase Dolly Parton in Straight Talk: "Get down off the cross, Money, because someone else needs the wood!" Carlos stares and stares at Gabby, and she finally relents: "Fine, but when my hair starts to smell like hair, I don't want to hear a word."

Danielle, wearing a robe, staggers down from bed to find her living room filled with pink and pink and even more pink balloons. There are balloon bouquets in all the corners, and in the middle of the room is a huge balloon topiary of the number "17." Bree jumps out and yells, "Surprise!" Uh oh. Danielle, who's clearly kind of scared, hesitantly asks whether Bree was "up all night making that thing?" Bree, with alarming alertness, says that she "just wasn't tired." Also, Bree's arranged for a "fajita bar and a juggler": "Now relax, it's a very hip juggler; he only performs to Beatles songs." Ha, ha! Could anything be worse at a high school party than a "hip juggler"? Other than your mother's mid-manic episode, accusing an overweight friend of licking the frosting off your cake? Oh wait. Danielle tells Bree that she just wants a casual party, but no balloons or jugglers: "I mean, c'mon, my friends would all make fun of me." Bree looks crushed, but then she snaps back into action, pulling out a pair of scissors and frantically stabbing at the balloons. Danielle wheels around in that "whatever" teenage way and goes back upstairs. Susan comes down, and as Susan passes her, Danielle says, "Just another morning at the Van de Kamps." Bree crazily asks Susan whether her out-of-control balloon popping perhaps woke her? Susan grabs Bree's balloon-stabbing arm and gently asks whether all is well with her. Bree, with ax-murderer calm, says, "She says she doesn't want balloons, I'm fine!" Then she returns to the popping.

With a rhythm that perfectly synchs with the balloon popping, we transition to Matthew, who's banging on the dungeon door at the exact same tempo. Nicely done! Matthew is thirsty and begging for water. Betty sits outside the door, silently listening to his pleas. Matthew yells and bangs a while longer, then, in defeat, he asks, in a subdued quiet voice, "You want me to say I set Caleb up? Yeah, I did." He tearfully says that it was just that he couldn't stop thinking about "all those years" they spent looking after Caleb, and how he just wanted a "normal life." Matthew sniffles and "sorry"s and begs. Betty stonily shakes her head, and then she turns and hits the door with enough force to make Matthew jump. Betty: "You were willing to stand by and let me murder your brother without a reason. That's an unforgivable betrayal. I am so consumed with rage, it's best you stay in there, because if I let you out, I don't know what I might do to you." And the "Mommy Dearest" music soars!

Susan goes over to Mike's house for a lesson in personal wire-tapping. Because what plumber doesn't know how to get the goods on tape? He explains the basics, and then he gingerly lifts up her shirt to tape the equipment onto her body, thereby revealing Susan's disturbingly age-inappropriate navel ring, desperately clinging to the unwholesome perch of her 2% body fat. They make uncomfortable small talk, and Susan explains this is all so she can get the proof the insurance company needs, get on with her life, and avoid "overstay[ing her] welcome" over at Bree's, where "things are sort of weird." So of course, Mike offers to let her and Julie move in with him. Susan's all, but what about that girl you're dating, the one you took to the movies, and he's all, that was just a "one-time thing," and then he asks about Orson, whom Susan claims is nothing but her friend, and blah, blah, blah. And now suddenly I'm confused again: why was she all sexy-feeding him store-bought pie last week if she wasn't sure he was dating another woman. Sigh.

Down at the airport, Mrs. McCluskey is telling Lynette not to worry, and that she'll be keeping the four Ps safe while Lynette goes off to stalk Tom. Mrs. McC, by the way, is wearing a charmingly whimsical coat of pale, pale blue covered in ghostly white clouds. Heads up to all of you desperate geography students: according to Lynette, stalking to the "Always Turned On" Atlantic City requires a trip all the way "across the country" (meaning the fair state of Eagle is on the left coast). Also of note: apparently Fairview is big enough to warrant an airport sizable enough to require a whole bank of Arrival and Departure monitors. Lynette panics that maybe she's doing the wrong thing, stalking her husband; maybe she should "look the other way": "Lots of women can do that!" Mrs. McC: "But we both know that you're not one of them." Lynette, worried and scared, asks what she's actually going to do if she finds out her suspicions are true. Mrs. McC puts her hand on Lynette's cheek and calmly informs her that Mrs. McC owns a gun. Not to mention a taser And make way for the oboe, which toots the merry toot of the "elderly murderous eccentric (in coat of clouds)." Wow, Mrs. McC and Lynette make an awesome allegiance.

Julie, sitting on the couch at Danielle's mellow and very, very well-lit party, looks around and notices Bree's not there. She heads into the kitchen and finds Bree ferociously at work, icing a cake. Julie, who's surprisingly chipper (considering all her belongings just went up in smoke), asks Bree how she's doing, and Bree reports that she is FINE!!! Julie: "It's just that people have been asking about the cake, and you've been icing it for over an hour." Bree, confused, says that she's not at all sure what's wrong with her. Julie nicely suggests that maybe it's Bree's lack of sleep: she and Susan could hear that Bree was "up all night." Bree mutters that the frosting keeps coming out "too thick," and Julie gamely suggests that people aren't really going to care if it's perfect or not. Bree, like she's just been slapped in the face: "People care about details! Some day, when Danielle looks back, I want her to remember how perfect her caked looked and how hard her mother worked to make her happy. THIS CAKE IS A SYMBOL OF MY LOVE!" And while I believe that cake does equal love, and vice versa, I can't help thinking that Bree's gotten her priorities a little mixed up in her head. Also, she's totally, revoltingly nuts, and it's obvious that she's heading for a terrible, terrible fall. And yet: nice seersucker apron with flower-accented pockets! With her bare hand, Bree claws a layer of frosting off the cake, and Julie, who's clearly begun to sense the depths of Bree's crazy, backs away from the darkness.

Eventually, Bree manages to get the cake frosted, and she comes out from the kitchen with candles and crazy eyes blazing. The teens all sing the "Happy Birthday" dirge, and Bree sets the cake down on the table. But then, holy shit, she notices that one of the candles isn't lit! Bree screams "STOP!" The singing crumbles to an uncomfortable silence. Danielle tries to get her mother to calm down, but Bree's calm setting seems to have completely worn away, and instead of calming down, she wind sprints back to the kitchen. (Why not just use one of the lit candles to remedy the problem? I don't know.) Danielle to Julie: "Welcome to my own private hell." And then? Some suicidal blond girl named "Barbie" walks right up to the cake and swipes off a hunk of frosting with her finger! And then she eats it! Bree, all smiles, returns from the kitchen with her little igniter; then she looks down at the damaged cake and all hell breaks loose. Seriously, if Danielle thought she knew what "private hell" was before, she had no idea. With murder clearly in mind, Bree looks around the room, taking in all the guests' stricken faces. She starts pointing at people, yelling, "Was it you? Or YOU?" Danielle tells Bree that she's being "embarrassing," but Bree is in a place where words hold no meaning. Then Bree's crosshairs land on an unfortunately large girl and she says: "YOU. You look like a girl who enjoys her frosting." Unforgivable! The girl looks like she's been slapped. Danielle, mortified, tries again to get her mom to see reason, and Barbie even tries to step in, but Bree is too busy trying to smell frosting on the larger girl's breath. Totally panicked now, the girl screams that the offending frosting-poker is Barbie. BARBIE! Bree spins and unleashes the full heat of her fury onto Barbie. Barbie jumps back, somehow bringing the cake with her. As the cake hits the ground -- shlermp -- Bree downshifts to full Joan Crawford mode: "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!! Now it's ruined, EVERYTHING IS RUINED!" Danielle runs off in tears, and Bree softly announces to the room that they shouldn't worry about the cake; she'll "clean it up later." All Danielle's friends, who clearly are not at all worried about the logistics of the cleanup, stare after Bree, as she walks out of the room with chin held high. Oh man, I actually kind of hate Bree right now.

Gabby, wearing her silk coral PJs, comes up and finds Moneylocks asleep in her bed. Carlos, mid-toothbrush, comes out and explains that he's given Money the use of their bedroom, because the bathroom is so much closer and the bed is so much more comfortable than in the guest bedroom. Why they didn't work this out earlier in the day is beyond me. They should have fixed up Money's room with all the amenities the very second they decided to set her up as a surrogate. Also, if Gabby and Carlos are using the guest bedroom and bathroom now, why is Carlos in here brushing his teeth? Anyway, Gabby and Carlos bicker and bitch, and Money looks on with the blanket pulled up to her chin like Kilroy, her big, worried saucer eyes ping-ponging along with the rhythm of the argument. Martyr Money gets up and volunteers to go back to her own bed, but the act of standing brings on the vomit, and she stands there a minute with her hand clamped over her mouth. Gabby gives an exasperated, eye-rolling O, and Money runs off to the master toilet. Is Money maybe working it? Hm.

Cut to Gabby and Carlos tossing and turning in Money's twin-sized bed. They bicker some more, and Carlos petulantly tells Gabby that everything's going to be fine; they'll buy a nice big bed tomorrow. Gabby: "That is not the point. We're a week into this pregnancy and already you're putting Xiao Mei's needs before mine!" Carlos: "Well she's the priority now. She's the mother of my child." No he didn't! Yes he did. No. Yes. Gabby rather ineffectually snits that it's her "egg," and Carlos sighs and says Gabby knows what he means: Money is..."the oven." Gabby interrupts emphatically: "a well-cared-for, well-paid OVEN." They tussle and turn, and then Carlos "accidentally" kicks Gabby, and she goes flying out of the bed. That does it! Gabby grabs the pillow and heads off to sleep on the couch. Carlos yells at her for taking their only pillow, and I am somewhat skeptical. Really? There are only three pillows in the whole house? How did things get so spartan in Casa Solis? Surely things weren't this bad when Mama was alive?

Danielle, upset from her disaster of a birthday party, heads over to the Applewrongs for some Matthew-flavored comforting. After her pebbles thrown at the upstairs window elicit no response, she opens the hinged basement door, à la those seen in Kansas of the Wizard of Oz, and heads down into the basement. (Geography watch: I know we just established, what with Lynette's flight pattern, that Fairview is on the west coast, and yet...I'm pretty sure we don't really have that kind of basement here in California, hm. Also: I would have thought the secret Applewrong basement dungeon would have been somewhat more difficult to access?) Of course she discovers Matthew, but she's unable to get through the locks. She tells him that she's going to get him out, and he warns her about the dangers of Betty. Danielle: "I know a little something about psycho moms. Trust me, I'll be fine."

By Evany

Wired-up Susan -- wearing a very, very cute pink mannish button-up blouse covered with embroidered branches and birds (underneath which, as we soon see, is a very cute baby blue bra with pink flowers and black lace trim) -- makes a typically ham-fisted attempt to trap Edie's re-confession on tape. Edie -- who (despite the fact that she appears to doing little more than hanging around her house, eating popcorn) is wearing an insanely tit-tastic, night-on-the-town top (with a zip-front closure that can't...quite...make it...to the summit of Edie's daunting, swelling bosom) -- gleefully gives Susan another confession. The problem is her mouth is so full of popcorn that her words are too garbled to help Susan's case. So Susan, who is for some reason completely incapable of subtlety, rams her chest up by Edie's mouth and asks her to repeat her confession. Finally Edie figures out what's going on. She rips open Susan's cute shirt (thereby revealing the aforementioned bra, plus a bunch of tape and wiring). Susan makes a run for it, and Edie gives chase, yelling at the top of her lungs, "You can't outrun me, Mayer, I'm in the BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE!" Ha, ha, ha! Susan: "Oh good, then you'll be prime-meat pickings when you go to jail!" Tee hee!

Edie pursues Susan, and they hit the Wisteria Lane park. Under the watchful eye of Mrs. McCluskey, Susan trips, and she and Edie engage in a sexy wrestling match, with Edie's barely contained rack making every effort to break free. Edie falls and hits her head on the corner of the gazebo, which just happens to be the post upon which the yellow jackets have made their home. You remember the yellow jackets, from back in the beginning of the episode. Back when, like, Johnson was President, and hippies freely roamed the earth? The yellow jackets start to swarm, and Edie starts to swat. Susan stands up and watches, as Edie starts to scream and scream. Why aren't they biting Susan? Is it because yellow jackets are attracted to meat, and there simply isn't enough meat on her bones to attract their interest? Maybe!

Lynette pulls up in front of a house, and watches as Tom goes inside. It's nighttime, so clearly they've been driving for some time. After wrestling with herself (in a much quieter, and less boob-forward way than Susan and Edie), Lynette gets out of the car and goes up to the window. She sees Tom laughing and smiling and drinking wine with a beautiful brunette in a little black dress; then she sees the two of them making their way upstairs. Lynette is shattered. She returns to her car slowly, and with great emotion and sadness, she drops her head onto the steering wheel. Dear Felicity, you are such a pretty lady and such a fine, fine actress, I wonder if maybe you want to go? [Check box YES] [Check box NO]

Gabby wakes up after a long, uncomfortable night on her and Carlos's ridiculously small couch. MAVO: "Nine months of long nights on the couch loomed before Gabrielle." And yet, didn't Carlos say that today they would go buy a nice, new bed? MAVO, continued: "And she had decided that she would not take it lying down." Gabby gets a pesticide pump from...the garden shed? Let's say? And she fills it with all her many tinctures and fumes. It is what the high school kids called a "suicide" (only our concoctions more typically were comprised of a half-inch of everything in the parents' liquor cabinet). Slowly and methodically, Gabby sprays down the bed, walls, drapes, chairs, and carpet of the master bedroom with her Money-be-gone concoction. MAVO: "[Gabby] dipped into her supply of forbidden perfumes, determined that in this battle, she would be the one to come out smelling like a rose." After effectively pee-marking her entire room, Gabby heads off with a jaunty, accomplished spring in he step. In the hallway, she crosses paths with Money, who tells Gabby that she's just going to take a little nap in the bedroom. Gabby: "Sure, knock yourself out." Money heads inside -- beat, beat -- then she comes barreling, tripping, stumbling out into the hall again, her mouth poised for a full barf attack. Gabby smiles an evil, evil smile.

Tom comes home and finds himself greeted by an ominously empty house. He heads over to Mrs. McCluskey's, and sees the old woman out in front, clipping her hedges with a gigantic pair of clippers. He politely asks whether she knows where Lynette is, and Mrs. McC grimly informs him that Lynette now knows all about "the other woman," and she took the kids and the puppy, and left: "Boy, you're just lucky you're not my husband." And then she lustily takes her HUGE clippers and snaps them shut in a very provocative way. Hm, it seems like leaving the whole kids+puppy circus behind for cheating (?) Tom to deal with would have been more of a punishment? But yeah, maybe he's attached to those kids, or something, whatever? Grumble, parent's love, blah-blah?

Edie is at the hospital, and she is not looking so great. I'd say the makeup artists from the Halloween-hideous pregnant witch incident have been at it again: her lips offer a new, disturbing twist on the "bee-stung" ideal, what with the redness and the scabs, like she's been sucking on an entirely different flavor of popsicle, maybe one made of battery acid. Meanwhile, the left half of her face just looks bruised, but the right half is swollen and misshapen into a fright-mask of a look that is not at all unlike Dumb Donald from The Fat Albert Gang -- only, whoops, she isn't wearing a knit cap over her eye; that's actually just her grotesquely swollen flesh. And her neck, arms, and body are pure Mama Grape. It isn't really her hottest look; in fact it's difficult to even look directly at her (I found taking periodic breaks to bury your head deep into a couch cushion helps to ease the strain). Susan (who appears to be wearing some kind of Tickle-Me Elmo pelt) stops by for a visit. With kindness and even bigness of character, she offers not to give Edie's taped confession to the police. All Edie has to do is tell the police people that she saw someone -- a hobo, maybe -- set fire to Susan's house: "And then the insurance company will pay the claim, nobody gets hurt...how does that sound?" Edie, bitterly: "Take your stinking deal and shove it." Wow. Edie then tirades that Susan's responsible for all the terrible, awful things that have happened to Edie (which is pretty much true): "No more pretending to be friends. When I get out of here, I'm going to destroy you!" And coming from Edie's monster hole of a face, it's a scary, scary threat. Unsinkable Susan says that clearly it's "the meds talking," and she offers to come back tomorrow. Edie: "Don't bother!" Susan: "Okay, Edie? I'm in trouble here." Edie: "Oh, I'm sure you'll turn on the waterworks, and the whole neighborhood will come running. They always do." Susan denies it, but Honest Edie tells Susan that she never does miss "an opportunity to play the victim." Full of disgust,she adds: "And you think just because everybody always comes to your rescue, it means that you're loved. Well it doesn't. It means that you're helpless." Susan is perturbed.

By Evany

Susan returns to Casa Van de Crazy and finds Bree on her hands and knees, scrubbing away at the cake spot. Bree, by the way, looks completely wasted: puffy and wan and wilted like a tired sponge. Susan tries to send Bree to bed, but Bree, it appears, is now totally incapable of sleep. Susan rather gingerly asks whether Bree's "okay," and Bree says she guesses that Susan heard what happened. Susan: "Yeah, when you flip out in front of the pep squad, word travels fast," which earns a half-ha out of me. Bree tries to explain the sensation of her freakout: "Suddenly I was on the outside of my body, watching a woman who looked like me becoming a raving maniac." Susan starts to suggest some sort of brain-doctor-style help, but Bree insists that she's fine; she just needs to sleep. Only she can't sleep; you see, every time she tries, she sees "Andrew's face in that rearview mirror." Bree tells Susan what really happened with Andrew: he didn't really run away; really, she "dropped him in the middle of nowhere." Susan looks at Bree with sadness and a touch of horror. Bree: "So I just need a little time to forget what I've done, and then I can sleep again." Susan very nicely offers to stay up and help Bree with the cleanup. Aww, Susan!

Lynette is parked out in front of Tom's hotel when he comes strolling outside, a cell phone to his ear. She ducks comically, and then her phone starts to ring. Like an idiot, she answers it, and they have a super-weird and awkward conversation about what he's doing, blah blah blah. Then she slips up and asks him, "Where's Jerry?" Thrown, he lies that Jerry's "right here." But then he asks her to let him talk to the kids -- which she, of course, can't do -- so she counters by asking to talk to Jerry, whom she can see is nowhere in sight. And then? The car alarm starts going off right behind Lynette. Excruciating! Tom starts to marvel at how crazy it is that he can hear the alarm both "here" and "through the phone." Lynette panics and says something ridiculous about "physics" being "spooky," and then she hustles her way off the phone. Tom gets into his rental car, and Lynette pulls out and follows. And my cringe muscle burns and burns in shame.

Betty comes downstairs with Matthew's breakfast, and out of the dark, Danielle charges at her and clocks her over the head. Betty falls to the ground. Danielle looks slightly shocked by what she's done, but she still grabs the dungeon keys off unconscious Betty. Matthew yells that Danielle was only supposed to steal the key, but Danielle urges him to run away with her, and together they skedaddle (after Matthew pauses to grab Betty's gun off the breakfast plate, of course).

At home, an exhausted and shiny-pale Bree carries a basket full of laundry into Andrew's room, which is now decorated with Danielle's things. And there, she finds this note from Danielle: "Mother, Matthew and I are running away together and we're never coming back. If you want me to be happy, you won't try and find us. Living in that house with you was like being in a prison. You drove me to do this, so I hope you blame yourself. Have a nice life."

After this, we see Bree packing up her bags and calmly, with a little, sad smile, checking herself into the Fairview Meadows Psychiatric Hospital. Is it just me, or does Danielle's storyline totally have "happily ever after" written all over it, like in blood?

Paul wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into the kitchen, where he promptly slips in something...very slippery. He turns on the light and discovers that his kitchen floor has been painted with a huge swatch of blood. Also, his blood-covered hands have now marked the light switch. With a curse to "that psychotic bitch," he gets up and follows the trail of blood into the garage, where he's greeted by a flashing car full of Fairview's finest. And Felicia's trap is sprung! He tries to explain that Felicia isn't dead; rather, she's the one who made the call; in fact, she's undoubtedly somewhere nearby "laughing her ass off" over his predicament. But the police are unmoved by his story, especially once they find two of Felicia's fingers right there in the trunk of his car. Wow, Felicia is totally, utterly, stomach-turningly crazy. And eww! CreePaul and I have the exact same red-topped plastic storage boxes! I need a shower. A hot, hot shower. CreePaul, upon seeing the fingers, lying there amongst the blood and his jumper cables: "Man, she's good."

MAVO summary (with smarmy, "haunting" piano under): "It's a shocking moment for each of us, that moment we realize that we are all alone in this world." CreePaul is settled into the back of a police car. Hey, where's Zana? MAVO: "The family we take for granted could one day abandon us." Tom sits on his couch, alone, in the dark. MAVO: "The husband we trust so implicitly might betray us." Gabby sits on the couch, as Carlos and Money play a rousing game of chess off to the side, huzzah. MAVO: "The daughter we love so deeply perhaps won't return to us." Curled up on her bed at the crazy farm, Bree calmly stares off into space. MAVO: "And then we could end up all by ourselves." Puffy, hideous Edie lies alone in the hospital, not a flower in sight (sad!). MAVO: "Of course, some see great value in going in alone," Susan stands in front of burned out house and hugs her Elmo pelt closer to her thin frame with a small smile of self-satisfaction. MAVO: "For example...."

By Evany

Back on Wisteria Lane, Mike is waiting for Susan's to get home from the hospital. She gets out of her car, and he asks her whether she's given any more thought about his proposal to let Julie and Susan stay at his place. And Susan? She turns him down! Susan: "Yeah, I think it's best. I don't want to get a rep around here for being a charity case." Susan, with likable confidence, tells him that she's going to try to work her way out this particular pickle on her own, and reminds him that she's "stronger than people give [her] credit for." She invites him to stop by for coffee some time -- you know, once she gets running water, and a coffee maker -- and together they laugh a nice, normal laugh. How satisfying is it to see Susan finally getting called out on her bumbling and spastrickery? And then actually taking that criticism to heart and using it to fuel actual improvements? THIS [opening arms into a wide-open, world-hug of a stretch] SATISFYING!

In the Gabby-scented room, Carlos, who somehow is still capable of generating surprise over Gabby's selfishness, is complaining to Gabby about what she did to Money, while simultaneously flapping a cushion around by the open window with hopes of airing things out a little. Gabby is lying in bed, with her nose tucked into a copy of what appears to be Maxim, though the magazine's title, everything but the Ms at the beginning and ending, is blocked by a big pretty lady head, so I can't be sure. (Maybe it's actually Mom Magazine.) She dismissively tells Carlos that "it's perfume, not toxic gas." Carlos is frustrated. Gabby gives him her spiel that he cares more about that baby than he does about her (and bombing your room is the best way to combat that impulse?). Carlos is very frustrated. He tells her that he prefers not to sleep in the room with her tonight, seeing as the "air is just a little too toxic" in there.

By Evany

Downstairs, Carlos is curled up on the minuscule couch, when Money comes in, wearing an itsy bitsy virgin-white nightie carrying a plate full of roast beef sandwich. Money asks Carlos whether Gabby "kicked [him] out, too." He nicely, parentally, tells her that "marriage is complicated," which is something she will come to learn on her own "someday." He very winningly asks her whether she wants to watch some "trashy American TV" with him, and then he scoots over to make room for her on the mini-couch. She offers him the roast beef sandwich, and he sigh-fully reminds her of Gabby's "health kick" diet and hands her back the plate. Money pushes the plate back toward him and softly, meaningfully says, "I will not tell." Carlos stares back deep into her eyes, and it's clear that they're suddenly no longer just talking about roast beef. I mean, they are, just not literally.

By Evany

A man shows Felicia into a cabin, and he apologizes for the dust, explaining that not many people make it up that far, what with the cabin being "completely cut off." Felicia jokes that "dropping off the face of the earth" is just her "idea of a vacation." He laughs and tries to hand her the keys. And yet...something prevents her from grasping them. He dips down to pick them up, and then places them more carefully into her hands, and we see that half her hand is missing, and it's covered in a bandage. And with a huge, under-medicated smile: "I'm sorry, I guess I'm all thumbs!" Wow. Wow!

Up : lay in a towering supply of stiff, stiff drinks, because here comes the extended-remix-sized season finale!

Desperate Housewives TV Show - No One Is Alone - Desperate Housewives Photos &amp; Videos, Desperate Housewives Reviews &amp; Desperate Housewives Recaps | TWoP

Desperate Housewives TV Show - No One Is Alone - Desperate Housewives Photos & Videos, Desperate Housewives Reviews & Desperate Housewives Recaps | TWoP