By Evany
Kayla comes to live with the Scavo brood, but now suddenly she's this heinous snot, apparently because she blames Lynette for her mother's death. Gabby is still dating that guy (the dad of the uppity pre-teen beauty pageant girl), even though they don't seem to have much in common: he likes brainy documentaries and pudding picnics, she's obsessed with weirdo silver leather space jackets. But when an anonymous admirer sends Gabby a basket full of roses and she becomes obsessed with trying to prove that Carlos is the one who sent them, the new boyfriend dumps Gabby. Holy Virgin Julie is worried that she'll lose Austin if she keeps refusing to go all the way, so -- with a shocking lack of fanfare -- she gives it up and Austin slides on in to home. But it turns out she's not the only tour stopping in Austin: that Danielle Van De Tramp (hey, she gave herself the name) is sleeping with him, too. Susan, despite last episode's promise that she'd never see Mike again, goes to visit Mike down at the jailhouse (where, by the way, CreePaul makes an appearance as a fellow inmate in orange), but only to tell him about how she's managed to get him a lawyer and also how she can't see him anymore because it makes Ian is jealous. Of course Ian finds out about the visit and pitches a fit. Susan does some screeching about "trust" and "love." At the word "love," Ian melts and starts kissing Susan all up in her neck, causing Susan to writhe and make noises of arousal, causing me to writhe and make noises of "eek." Alma shows up at Bree's doorstep with some story about how she's been living off the grid in Winnipeg this whole time, knowing that her suspicious disappearance would be blamed on Orson, all out of revenge for Orson's affair with Monique. Bree invites Alma over to a dinner party so she can rub Susan's nosy nose in the fact that Orson's clearly not a wife-murderer. Fur flies, and Bree and Susan are now Best Friends For-NEVER. Oh and also, Alma buys a house on Wisteria Lane. And she has some sort of hypo-freaky mystery thing going on, what with her self-injecting some unknown substance directly into her thigh. Insulin? Heroin? Fertility drugs? The antidote to some poison she plans to administer to Bree? A survival fluid that lets mortals breath in the alien air of Fairview? Redhead juice? Botox? I DON'T KNOW!
Previously on Desperate Housewives: all the stuff we learned in the last episode (Mike got arrested for murdering Monique, Susan promised Ian she'd stop seeing Mike, Alma's back), also Lynette promised dying Snora that she'd look after daughter Kayla.
Okay, so we start off with Mary Alice unraveling that whole "Orson was an abusive, obsessively compulsed husband" story she told us back in the first episode of the season. Now she's retelling it to us from an entirely different point of view.
This time around, we discover that Alma "tricked" Orson into marrying her by getting pregnant, an assertion that MA supports with some footage of a pregnantly-plump Alma all done up like a bride, flanked by the glum-looking groom, Orson. Mama Hodge is also there, looking thrilled. MA tells us that Alma hoped that Orson's feelings for her would grow over time, but then there was some sort of miscarriage, and "Alma found herself married to a man who seemed to despise her."
And now we get the same footage from the first go-round: Alma doing some darning and telling Baby the parrot how much she loves him. Only this time, Alma notices there's lipstick on the collar of the shirt she's fixing. Orson was having an affair! MA: "Alma realized the only way to get her husband to appreciate her was to leave him. Immediately." Is that scientifically proven? I hadn't heard that. So then we get the same scenes of Alma frantically packing up her bags and running all over the house, and then screaming at an escaped Baby (with far more urgency than the moment now calls for, seen from this perspective) to get back in his cage. I'm not sure why "Operation Appreciation" had to be slapped together with such abruptness. Certainly someone who had the wherewithal to create a pregnancy trap could also spend a little time crafting her departure? Anyway, so Orson comes home unexpectedly (there's the unplanned bird guano on his sleeve, if you remember), and he catches Alma standing in the living room with her bags all packed. He says, "Going somewhere?" in a way that is now supposed to be seen as "puzzled yet amused," where in the first telling, came off as "profoundly menacing." Alma defiantly explains that she's leaving to spend the night in a motel, news Orson receives with bored calm -- clearly not the uproar Alma was hoping for. Alma runs after him to give him the explanations he never asked for: she's leaving because he's cheating on her! Orson, bored: "Ah, I see." Alma: "Aren't you even going to deny it?" Orson: "On the contrary, I want to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS! For the first time in my life, I'm actually in love." In love with someone else, that is. Orson, looking like a huge burden had been lifted, skips out the door, leaving a distraught and confused Alma in his wake. MA: "It was at that moment Alma realized it wasn't enough to leave her husband. He had to be punished."
All in all, the retelling mostly fits what we saw the first time around, but I still think there was some lingering creepiness, for instance the glimpse we saw of Orson making Alma de-lint his suit before leaving the house, that doesn't quite fit in with this new version of the story. So much for the omniscient narrator! Or maybe MA was deliberately misleading us the first time around? Either way, her reliability as Wisteria Lane's one truth teller has been shaken considerably. Mary Alice lies. She lies!
Back in the now, a determined-looking Alma (looking significantly cuter in a loose sort of graduated bob-style haircut that's a very pretty light auburn) beelines right up to Bree's house. Bree opens the door, and Alma chirps: "Bree Hodge? I'm Alma Hodge. I believe we have someone in common." Marcia Cross's body double collapses to the floor in a dead faint, and Alma smiles the tight smile of someone whose plans are coming to fruition. Something about her is off, like biting into a soft, dusty apple.
CREDITS!
When we get back, MA introduces us to the golden part of the Wisterian's day, right before the kids get home, when the Ladies get together to gossip over coffee about whomever couldn't make it to the gossip session that day. Lynette (wearing the ubiquitous men's shirt), Gabby (ubiquitous sweat suit), and Susan (actually a very pretty dusty-pink top with delicate, fluttery sleeves) are perched on the creaking white wicker furniture found on the Scavo veranda. Susan dishes that Bree and Orson are back together, and then she shares her newfound knowledge of Orson's mental-patient past. Gabby: "How'd you find that out?" Susan, nonchalantly: "I snuck into his office and riffled through his things." Lynette: "Of course you did." Gabby very rightly points out that a teenaged stint in on the mental ward does not a murderer make. Susan insists that it's still a "piece of the puzzle," along with the fact that he had an affair with Monique, who then turned up dead, combined with the whole suspiciously missing first wife thing.
Bree has recovered from her faint, and now the Mrs. Hodges are tea-ing up in the living room. Alma explains to Bree, with perky "just us gals" over-familiarity, that she's been hiding out in Winnipeg all this time, eschewing credit cards for cash so she'd be untraceable in a deliberate and vengeful attempt to cast suspicion on Orson, all fueled by jealousy over his dalliance with Monique. (What, she couldn't send one postcard to her neighbor and friend Aunt Jackie from Roseanne? That seems cruel and heartless. Though really, all we have is the word of the unreliable Mary Alice that the two women were even that close...Jackie may have been nothing more than the annoying neighbor that keeps insisting on stopping by.) Apparently another one of Alma's hidden hopes was that Monique would be frightened by Alma's disappearance and leave Orson. Alma, I'm beginning to think, is not exactly the best judge of human nature: First she thinks mysteriously disappearing for a night in a hotel is just the ticket to reel in a distant husband? Then she decides that her sudden disappearance will scare a mistress into abandoning her husband? While that outcome is I guess vaguely possible, I don't think it's so sure-fire that it's worth spending almost a year hiding out in Winnipeg, a town where wintertime temperatures drop below 30 degrees (Fahrenheit), a town that world curling champions Don Duguid, Kerry Burtnyk and Georgina Wheatcroft all call home. Really you have to be willing to leave a few fingers behind, to make a plan like that work.
Bree and her eighth-wonder cleavage ask why Alma decided to come back at all, and Alma gushes that she's recently received the help of a good therapist. Alma: "He told me that by holding on to my anger, I was really just hurting myself, which was hard to deny. I mean, hello! I'm here in Winnipeg with the deaf aunt and no credit!" She ends this revelation with an insane Stepford robot smile that severely undercuts her claim of newfound mental wellness. Just then, Orson arrives home from work and his jaw swings when he sees his two wives sitting pretty on the couch. "So," saucy Alma says, "What is it with you and redheads?" Yeah! Wasn't Monique a redhead, too?
Gabby is sitting out in Wisteria Lane's little park, suffering her way through a picnic with her new boyfriend Bill. Bob? In any case, he's wearing a jaunty little newsie cap that is perhaps just a shade overly precious. Gabby's cell phone rings: it's Carlos, who's gleefully watching her pretend to enjoy herself from Mike's house across the street. "Who's the dork?" he asks. "What's with that cap?" And then in a singsong, he taunts, "Extra, extra, read all about itttt!" Apparently Gabby hasn't noticed that Carlos moved in with Mike. Carlos: "Gabby, my car's been in the driveway for three weeks. Even you can't be that self-absorbed." Gabby smugs that she's been too busy to notice (i.e., she's been too busy "delivering the paper" to newsboy Billy Bob). Carlos: "So when you going to tell Jimmy Olsen there that you hate picnics?" Gabby hangs up and Cappy's bleach-bright smile fades just a little at the hot-breaking news that his girlfriend's ex-husband has moved in across the street.
Casa All My Children...Lynette is giving the three Scavo boys their instructions: Tom's bringing in Kayla, who's moving in with them, and they have to be nice to her because she's been through a lot. A shell-shocked-looking Kayla comes in, and the boys all stand there, staring at her. Lynette narrows her eyes at them and they all zombie over to her and start petting her all reluctantly. With more prodding from Tom, the boys then each give Kayla a gift: a harmonica, a book (Harriet the Spy!), a video game. And Lynette gives her an antique doll, which used to belong to her grandmother. Penny, by the way, is nowhere in sight, and good thing: I'm guessing she'd want her mother's precious doll way more than Kayla, who's supposed to be twelve years old and way too old for dolls. Kayla gives a very under-whelmed (or maybe just shy?) "thanks." Tom says something about making chili for dinner, and Kayla heads upstairs. As she climbs the stairs, she deliberately lets the doll's head knock against the banister. Hmmm.
Polygamy Palace. Bree, Orson, and Alma make small talk. Apparently the secret to the moistness of Bree's pound cake (not a metaphor) is sour cream. And the way Bree says this, "sour cream," it like it's supposed to be a barb, but it doesn't quite translate. Alma asks after Baby the bird, and Orson explains that he set it free. Alma tsks him, and he snaps. What does she want with him? Apparently all she wants is "closure." Uh huh.
Julie is sitting on her bed, doing homework. Oh my god, is that a puka shell necklace wrapped around the knob of her headboard? What are we supposed to make of that? Susan comes in: She "ran out of lipstick" and wants to borrow Julie's lipstick. As in, both Susan and Julie have one tube of lipstick, each? Most women have more than one tube of lipstick. In fact, most women have at least ten tubes of lipstick. Make that twenty. In alllll different shades. So the idea that Susan "ran out" is just lame. At the very least, she could have asked for a particular shade of Julie's that she admired. I don't get it, is it really that hard to come up with a believable excuse for these exchanges between mother and daughter? (I guess not: remember the absurdly critical need for travel toothpaste that sent Julie to the store on the day of the great hostage crisis?) Susan laughs at the name of Julie's lipstick: "Cherry Berry," and Julie swoons that Austin likes its flavor. Susan: "Oh I so did not need to know that." Yeah, me neither; the idea of Austin and Julie macking makes me want to put my hair back in a ponytail, you know, just in case I need to barf. Everywhere. Anyway, Susan's off to go see Mike down at the prison, which (as Julie points out) is in direct violation of her promise to Ian. Susan explains that clearly Ian knows, like intuitively, that she has to tell Mike about his new lawyer before she begins her vow of never seeing him again. Here's an idea: She could call the lawyer and tell him to explain to Mike who hired him and why. Or she could leave a message for Mike at the jailhouse. But instead, Susan decides that the best plan is to pretend that there's nothing for jealous Ian to get upset about, for she and Mike are clearly over, done, kaput. Julie shares my suspicious doubts: "I was just wondering because, you know, you're putting on lipstick to go to a prison." Susan looks surprised by this searing insight into her complicated soul. And the "Could Susan Be More Irritating?" music soars.
Bree and Orson show Alma to the door, where Bree spies Susan scrambling out to her car. Ah ha! Bree's eye's narrow into a smug "Evil Plan" squint, and she invites Alma to come over for a dinner party to meet a few of Bree's friends (i.e., Susan).
Down at the jailhouse. Susan informs Mike that she's set him up with a great lawyer. Mike insists that he's going to pay her back some day, and she waves him off with a vague sort of non-explanation. So she's not going to tell him that her new boyfriend, Ian, is footing the bill? Oh, Susan, all wishy-washed up, as per usual. Mike marvels that he ever believed Edie's lies about Susan, and then he tells her what a great friend she is. Susan uncomfortably informs him that, regarding her great friendship? Actually she won't be visiting him anymore, regarding the fact that it makes Ian tense. Mike confesses that he would behave just like Ian (what, possessive and desperate and mildly creepy?) if their roles were reversed. Susan and Mike shake hands and exchange a soulful look, then she leaves and he stares after her, looking heartbroken. Or maybe it's just gas.
Dinnertime at the Scavos. The kids (even Penny...or the back of her head, at least) all belly up to the dinner table. Lynette made Kayla's favorite: tacos! But I thought Tom was making chili tonight? Thought it turns out that Tom's not there: he's still working on getting his pizza place ready to open. While I appreciate the nod to continuity, it seems weird that he'd miss out on Kayla's first dinner home. Kayla takes her plate and heads over to the television. Lynette tries to stop her, based on the Scavo family rule of "no TV at dinner." "But my show is on," Kayla brats. Not The O.C., not Ugly Betty, but "my show." My 83 year old grandmother used to call Murder She Wrote her "show." Once again I ask, how old is this girl? One second she's being played six years too young, the she's 66 years too old. Anyway, Lynette caves and lets bratty Kayla watch her television "just this once," which enrages the P boys. Lynette tries to make them stick to the rules, but they exchange a look and then stand as a group to go join their new sister, Lynette hisses and snaps and blusters until they sit back down. One of the Ps -- Parker? Posey? -- asks if Kayla's going to get dessert, too. Kayla, smugly, yells out, "Of course I do." Lynette sits there, looking unsettled.
Gabby and Billy Bob are home from the movies. He's all fired up about the documentary they just saw: "You know, I read that the director shot over 400 hours of film?" Gabby: "Really? I only counted half that." Billy Bob chortles over her boredom and nicely offers to let her pick the movie. They kiss. Gabby notices a huge bouquet sitting on her porch. Gabby coos over how nice it was for Billy Bob to cowboy up with the romantic gesture, but he denies it. The card reads, "Loving you from afar..." Gabby apologizes over the awkwardness of the situation, but Billy Bob is very understanding. Too understanding: Gabby wistfully says something about how Carlos would have gone bananas if some guy had gone and sent her flowers. The "Wait a Minute!" fiddles swell, and Gabby gets a gleefully suspicious look in her eye. Speaking of Carlos...clearly that minx sent the flowers! Much to Billy B's chagrin, Gabby marches over to Mike and Carlos's bachelor pad, where Carlos is pumping free weights. She accuses him of sending her the flowers, he denies it, but Gabby totally doesn't believe him. She throws the flowers at him, huff! Carlos laughs a Jolly Green Giant laugh. Far more intriguing than the Case of the Anonymous Flowers is the magical mystery that is Gabby's gleaming silver leather space-suit jacket trench-thing with three-quarter-length sleeves. And I'm not talking about her silver leather space blazer. Or the silver leather space mini she wore back when she was pregnant. This is an entirely new item. Which means that Gabby owns three different insane silver leather items. Why? How?
Back at Taco Night. Lynette is clearing up after dinner when she finds her antique doll in the trash. Its arm has been ripped off and it's covered some sort of ominous brown something. Lynette is hurt!
Later. Tom is home, and Lynette is in her PJs, scrubbing off her makeup as she tells him about all the naughtiness that Kayla got up to tonight. Oh okay, apparently that the brown substance was chili. But I thought it was taco night! Wait, the Scavos put chili in their tacos? Are you allowed to do that? Lynette moans about Tom never being home anymore, and he explains that their "life savings" is tied up in the restaurant, which is why he has to be down there all the time. I'll buy that. Tom counsels Lynette to start taking a "firm hand with Kayla," that the girl is "part of [their] family now." Lynette: "Yeah, I should treat her as badly as I treat my own children." Tom chortles knowingly. Side note: Felicity Huffman, in a courageous nod to verisimilitude, has actually removed all her makeup in this scene. Wow, an actress playing a "go to bed" scene sans makeup? Are you allowed to do that?
Austin and Julie are lying in her bed, churning their tongues together in a circular fashion. You can tell it's Austin because he has, of course, removed his shirt. The Torso makes a move toward Julie's third base (that's South for those of you who don't play baseball), but she rebuffs him. He claims that it's totally "cool" if Julie isn't ready for sexing. The strains of "Like a Virgin" soar.
The day, Julie is over at the Van de Hodge house, eating sundaes with Danielle and Andrew. Julie has just told them how great Austin is being upon hearing the news that her knees have been fused together by God. Andrew snorts and accuses Julie of being wildly naive: no teenaged boy is "cool" with not getting sex, so if he's saying he's fine with Julie's prudish ways, it's only because he's actually relieving his urges with someone else. Danielle (who is wearing a '70s zigzag cinch sweater in yellows, browns, and oranges that I actually kind of love), nicely comes to Julie's defense, snitting to Andrew that "not all guys pressure girls for sex." Andrew: "Yeah, gay guys don't. But Austin's not gay. Not even after three beers." Yay! Andrew leaves and Danielle gives Julie some more mom-style advice, like how Austin doesn't deserve Julie if he can't wait for sex. Julie still looks worried. Danielle: "Take it from a girl who's known at school as 'Little Miss Van de Tramp.'" Julie: "I thought you made that up?" Danielle: "Only because it was nicer than the other names they were calling me." Huh, Danielle is actually kind of likable in this scene. (Hold that thought!)
Billy Bob has talked Gabby into donating some of her old clothes to a homeless shelter. Oh man, could he be more wrong for her? He gushes about how much fun do-gooding is, but Gabby's not listening; she's too distracted watching Carlos jog by. BB and Gabby get into the car, and Gabby asks if they can stop at the florist's on the way down to the shelter: she needs to get her mother some birthday flowers. Since Gabby isn't really on flower-giving terms with her mother, this is clearly a ruse. Oh-ho, this is going to be rich.
Susan places a call to Ghostbuster Ridley. She wants to "drop a dime" on Orson. She actually says that. "Drop a dime." Ghostbuster greets this tired lingo with an exhausted, resigned sigh. That's exactly how Susan makes me feel! She tells him about how Orson was having an affair with Monique. In the middle of the call, her call waiting beeps. She clicks over and it's Bree, inviting her to a dinner party. Susan is pleasantly surprised by the olive branch, and (after clicking back and forth with Ridley a few times) she warmly accepts the invitation, saying how relieved she is to be putting their fight behind them, what a great friend Bree is, etc., etc. Then, before Bree even finishes her last sentence, Susan clicks back to Ridley again to add that Orson also spent time in an insane asylum. I'm impressed that the writers showed such restraint in this scene -- I was so sure that Susan was going to mix up her calls and ruin everything. Instead she just revealed herself to be kind of a bitch.
Gabby rolls into the florist and tries to sweet talk the woman -- sort of a matronly, mom kind of lady -- into letting her see the receipt for the anonymous bouquet of flowers. The woman sifts through a box of slips and finds the one in question, only there's a note on it: the buyer wants to remain anonymous. Gabby does some more of her patented smiling and wheedling, but the woman refuses to budge: "Do you know how many girls don't get flowers? I work in a flower shop, I've never gotten any freaking flowers! So stop your whining about who sent them and just be glad that they did." Bitter Flower Lady heads into the refrigerated walk-in, and the "Gabby's Going to do Something Idiotic" music twinkles. Gabby locks Bitter Flower Lady inside the walk-in with a broom handle and starts riffling through the box of receipts. Bitter Flower Lady, muffled: "I know where you live!" Gabby: "Oh yeah? Well stop by, we'll hot tub." (For some reason this throwaway line strikes me as very funny.) As you so know he would, Billy Bob strolls in and busts Gabby right in the middle of this slapstick tableau, with the caged woman and Gabby standing there with receipts clenched between her teeth. Gabby tries to explain that she was only trying to confirm that Carlos sent the flowers. Realizing that Gabby is perhaps obsessed with her ex-husband, Billy Bob breaks up with her. Gabby, looking sad but a little relieved, too, concedes that she probably isn't ready to date just yet. Bitter Horndog Flower Lady pipes up that she's MORE than ready to date. Billy Bob shoots her a trapped animal look.
Lynette and four-fifths of the kids are down at the ice cream parlor. (Penny is once again MIA. Maybe she's down at the restaurant with Tom, playing with a saw and some rusty nails?) Everyone is finished and getting up to leave, but Kayla remains behind, sullenly spooning her ice cream. Lynette is running late for Bree's dinner party, so she tries to rush Kayla along, but Kayla responds to the rushing by spooning the ice cream into her mouth with deliberate chameleon-slowness. Lynette smirks at the boldness of Kayla's brattiness, sends the boys out the car, hunkers down to Kayla's level, and tells her that she understands why Kayla's mad, understands that she misses her mother and isn't happy about being "stuck" with Lynette, but the last thing Snora told Lynette as she was dying was she wanted her to look after Kayla. The girl gives Lynette a blank look, then, with demon-possessed calm, she resumes spooning her ice cream: "We can leave when I'm done." Lynette loses it and grabs the girl's arm. Kayla starts to scream, "You're not my mommy!" The entire place goes silent, everyone is staring. This is not unlike the battle of wills diner scene that played out when Lynette first butted heads with Snora. I guess it's no surprise that Kayla picked up a few of Snora's manipulative traits over the years. And, to be fair, she's a little girl, and her (awful, pole-dancing) mother just died, and all she knows about Lynette is that she was the one thing standing between Kayla's father getting back together with her mother. Even so, there's a big part of me that would like to give Kayla a big pinch. Lynette, exasperated, just walks outside and gets into the car. Is she going to drive away? No, she just sighs dejectedly, then she catches a glimpse of her hell boys in the back seat. "Guys," she says, "how would you like to eat dinner in front of the television for a whole week?"
Back inside the ice cream place. Kayla looks up to see her half-brothers all lined up. The middle one slaps his fist into his open hand all menacingly.
The doors burst open outside and the four kids spill out, Kayla screaming and all four boys yelling and tugging her toward the car. Lynette quietly opens the back door to the car and the kids all file in.
Julie and some guy are having their own picnic out in the Wisteria Lane park, only it's at night, and there's no food, and it's a lot more...horizontal. I think it's Austin, only I'm confused. This young gentleman is wearing a shirt AND a jacket. Austin? Is that you? I almost can't recognize you unless your head's perched atop two nipples surrounded by three square feet of ultra-tan plastic Ken doll skin. But yes, sigh, it is Austin. After some heavy breathing and moist smacking, Austin's hand wanders down to Julie's second base(s) and fumbles around with the buttons of her blouse for a few seconds. Then he sighs and sits up. Julie is puzzled. Austin: "It's getting late, I got your blouse unbuttoned. That's usually when we call it a night." Oh but not tonight! Julie asks him if he actually wants to call it a night? Austin, confused, wonders if she's thinking "pizza." Julie gives him a coquettish look and then starts in with the frenching again. Oh she wants pizza alright, if by "pizza" Austin means "exploring the pubic triangle." And...pop goes Julie's virginity! I'm actually kind of pleasantly surprised that they opted to keep this event so low-key. I was sure we'd have to sit through months and months of hand- and gut-wrenching before we got Julie's hymen out of the way. And queue the "Cherry Pie" anthem.
Mike is eating lunch down at the big house. A tattooed man from central casting (bald, goatee, tattoos everywhere including that tear at the corner of the eye) questions Mike about the nature of the deed that won him a spot at the table. Mike explains that he actually can't remember, and Inmate Man nods knowingly; he's impressed by the ingenuity of Mike's "fresh approach," though he isn't sure the "jury's going to swallow it." The focus on the camera shifts to reveal the man sitting at the table behind Mike. Why it's CreePaul! Even though I think CreePaul should be in prison and Mike should be in regular old county jail while he's awaiting trial? But okay, Fairview rules: the two fathers of Zana (remember him) are both in the very same "lock up." And here's what CreePaul says: "I believe you."
Tom tucks Kayla into bed. She's clutching what appears to be...yes, it is. It's a baby harp seal stuffie. Right, so in case you were looking for cues, that should set the tone. Tom explains that Mrs. McCluskey will be downstairs the whole night, and he and Lynette are going to be just across the street (over at Bree's dinner party). Kayla is very nice and sweet -- clearly her heinousness is only directed at Lynette. Tom gently asks her what the deal with her Ice Scream fit earlier today. Why is she so upset with Lynette? Kayla, blankly: "Because it's her fault my mommy died. Mom only went to that store because Lynette was trying to steal me." Ah, yeah. I can actually see Snora saying that to Kayla as she set off to go confront Lynette.
Tom explains that that isn't true, that the situation is "way more complicated than that." Which in fact isn't the most comforting, or even helpful, thing he could say here. He tells Kayla that Lynette loves her, and that Kayla has "got to give her a chance." Kayla agrees that she'll be good and Tom kisses her on the forehead. Aw. But then Demon-seed Kayla says: "But I'm never going to love her. And you can't make me." The camera pans up and we see Lynette peeking through the doorway, looking crushed. Oh whatever. If Lynette thought this was going to be a totally smooth transition, moving half-orphan Kayla into the house, she wasn't really thinking things through. And even a bitter girl who swears she won't ever love someone can change over time. Didn't Lynette see International Velvet? Also, Lynette: stop eavesdropping.
Gabby stops by Mike and Carlos's house on her way to Bree's dinner. She's wearing what appears to be a mink coat, which seems like overkill seeing as Carlos, who is sitting out on the front porch, is wearing nothing but jeans and a long-sleeved tee. Gabby drolly reports that Carlos has "won," as in the scheming she suspects him of has succeeded in breaking up her boring relationship with Billy Bob. But she wants Carlos to admit that he sent the flowers. Carlos: "Gabby, if was going to send you flowers, I wouldn't send pink roses. I'd send you white orchids because I know they're your favorite. And if I wanted to cheer you up: sunflowers. And for the flu, blue irises." Are you writing this down? Because you might want to remember all these tidbits for when the inevitable Desperate Housewives trivia game hits the shelves. Gabby sits down to Carlos and says, "I hate that you know me so well." They share a nice little moment -- she complains about having to "eat pudding out of a cup" at her horrible picnic, he commiserates that he got "dragged to the ballet" by a date recently. Gabby: "So you are dating. That's why you've been lifting weights and jogging?" Carlos: "Well if you want to bag the big game," he lifts his arm and makes a muscle, "you got to work on the big guns." She laughs and then bittersweetly tells him that he's "going to be a tough act to follow." Carlos: "Back at you, babe." Kind of nice! And up swells the "Why Can't You Two Idiots Get It Together and Get Together?" violas, xylophone, and tuba.
Bree's dinner party is about to start, and she's keeping Alma hidden upstairs so she can make a big surprise entrance -- all the better to shame Susan. Bree coaches Alma to keep quiet about all of the sordid Monique+Orson details, and Alma sunnily agrees. Bree: "All they need to know is that you're back and we're on good terms." Alma: "And Orson didn't kill me." Bree and Alma giggle conspiratorially until the doorbell interrupts them. There's something repugnantly "Elephant Man at the circus" about the way Bree is using Alma in this scene. Not to mention the fact that the whole setup is designed to publicly demonstrate how wrong Susan is. Bree runs off to get the door, and the smile immediately vanishes from Alma's face. It was all just a put on! (Which reminds me, didn't Alma return to Fairview at the beckoning of Gloria? If so, where is Mama Hodge in all this?) Alma reaches for her bag and pulls out an IV needle, uncorks it, and plunges it into the dark meat of her thigh. What. On. Earth? Am I missing something? Is Alma a drug addict? A diabetic? Or have I just been away from the suburbs too long...maybe this is some sort of secret housewife thing? I don't know! I don't think I even want to know! Holy shit. (I don't like needles.)
Susan arrives with Ian on one arm and a conciliatory bunt cake in the other. Bree seats everyone (Lynette, Tom, Susan, Ian, Gabby, Orson) and then announces her big surprise: "This is Alma Hodge, Orson's first wife." And then to Susan, in a stage whisper: "Oh and about that apology...anytime you're ready." And the "Zinger" zither swells.
Later, as Susan, Gabby, and Lynette gather in the kitchen to put together dessert, Lynette says: "You've got to hand it to her, just when you think Bree's thrown every conceivable theme party, she hosts a 'Shame on You for Thinking My Husband Killed Someone' dinner." Susan, who is wearing an AMAZING DRESS (deep teal, sweet scooped neckline, mini-cap shoulder detailing, contrast stitching ) THAT I WANT AND WANT, is all, "So Alma's alive. Big deal. We still don't know what went down between Orson and Monique." And the doorbell chimes.
It's Ghostbuster Ridley, come to bring Orson down to the station for some questioning. Susan immediately looks profoundly guilty, and Bree zeros right in on it. Bree, gasping: "Susan!" Susan: "I didn't know they were going to come tonight!" Oh, Susan. Orson heads off with Ridley, and Bree and Susan light into each other. Bree told Susan about Orson's affair in confidence! Susan couldn't possibly sit on information that might help Mike! In the middle of the exchange, Susan lets slip that she spoke with Mike earlier in the week, so suddenly now Ian's all worked up (because she broke her promise not to see Mike). Ian storms off, Bree tells Susan their friendship is over, Susan leaves, Bree heads into the kitchen, Gabby goes after Susan, and Lynette follows Bree. Tom and Alma sit there, alone, for a few moments, and then Tom semi-hilariously turns to her and says, "So, Winnipeg. It must get pretty cold up there."
Susan's house. Ian's only there to pick up his coat, and then he's totally going to leave. Susan: "You had to know that I would go one last time to explain everything to him!" While I agree that she had every right to go to visit Mike and explain things, I think she's completely deluded if she thinks that Ian would automatically be okay with it, sans an 82-hour discussion beforehand. Is Susan really that out to lunch? Anyway, Ian yells at her something about how she already left him once for Mike, which I guess hurt his feelings. Susan yells, "Things are different now, I love you, you don't have to worry about that anymore. God, if we're going to make this relationship work, then you're going to have to trust me..." She trails off once she realizes that Ian's gone all silent and google-eyed: "You just said that you loved me," he purrs. And then he kisses her all up her neck. Her rage dissolves into passion, etc. Whatever, guy who's still married to a woman who's clearly going to wake up from her coma any day now.
Oh hey, Austin. Still keeping on top of the whole chest-epilation routine, I see? Austin is lying in bed with a woman's draped arm across his perma-bare chest. He says, "Look, I think we should stop doing this." And if you're thinking, Oh man, he's dumping Julie after she gave away the milkshake for free?! then relax. Because...it's not Julie. It's Danielle! Austin is half-heartedly trying to end it because he doesn't want Julie to get her feelings hurt, now that she's actually started sleeping with him. Little Miss Van de Tramp: "Me neither. So let's just not tell her." Zow.
Okay so now we head over to what I think is the old Applewhite house. Maybe? Or the Young house? Or maybe Mrs. Huber's? Whichever house it was, Edie (wearing what appears to be a tiger-striped halter top layered over a fuchsia satin tube top...you know, typical real estate garb) is now selling it to Alma. Edie, for no good reason, asks Alma why she chose Wisteria Lane for her nest, and Alma -- who apparently is standing in for Mary Alice for this week's closing remarks -- tells her: "I've been moving around a lot in the last few months, and I need a place where I can really settle down." We see Kayla, standing to a tree, her arms crossed, looking sullen. Lynette, standing on the porch, looks toward Kayla longingly. Alma continues with her weird soliloquy to Edie about how she wants to live in a place "where people have some sense of moral value," and we see a self-satisfied looking Danielle strolling up the street, fixing her bra strap, with a guilty-looking Austin watching her out the window. Alma continues: "Where friendships are good, and strong, and last forever." Bree and Susan take out the trash at the same time, but Bree doesn't even look at her.
Edie, brightly: "Then I think Wisteria Lane is the place for you." Alma: "Good. More than anything, I just want to fit in."
And then, finally, Mary Alice chimes in with, "Oh you will, Alma. You absolutely will." Huh. It looks like they're dipping back into the "Stranger With Secrets Moves into Town" well once again. Haven't we done this already with the Applewhites? And Art the pedophile? And both those turned out great.