By M. Giant
Mary Alice would like you to know that Victor isn't above using deception to get what he wants. Which makes him different from other politicians...how, exactly? Well, what Victor wants this week is revenge for Gabby's affair with Carlos. So he's going to take her on a "romantic" little boat ride without telling anyone. And that film-noir lighting on his face does not bode well for anyone concerned.
After the credits, we're at Lynette's, where Bree has brought a swaddled, screeching Oompa-Loompa to wave around at her friends. Lynette, Gabby, and Susan all do their best to holler their congratulations over the baby's howling, until Orson has mercy on the women and brings the kid back home. Tom comes in and brings up the additional good news of Lynette's cancer being gone. Great news all around! Even Lynette's mom Stella gets into the act, as she comes downstairs in a bathrobe -- as does a heavyset, older man named Stan, also in a robe. Tom's robe, in fact. Apparently Stella met him at the card club last night. So Bree has a baby, Lynette's cancer-free, and Stella got some. So why is everyone suddenly acting like somebody died?
Later, Susan is trying to light a fire under Mike to go over to Bree's for dinner. She has to do it through the bathroom door, because Mike's locked himself in there with his new best friend, his pill bottle. He says he's too tired, but Susan says there's no way out of it. "This is what we do in the suburbs," she says. "The suburbs," Mike growls.
Dinner ends up being even less enjoyable for Mike than he anticipated, as he finds himself in a conversation about $10,000-a-year preschools, even though their baby "still looks like a seahorse." And speaking of other couples with babies, Bree mentions to Orson that they're invited to a friend's kid's bris that weekend. Orson begs off, pleasantly saying, "I just don't care to watch them ritually mutilate their child." It quickly comes out that Bree is pro-circumcision, and Orson is strongly anti-. Probably because he didn't enjoy it much himself when his mom took him to have it done when he was FIVE. Yikes. I wouldn't be a fan myself.
Later, Mike is taking yet another pill in Bree's kitchen when she catches him at it. He downplays it, saying it's just aspirin that he takes for aftereffects from his accident. But after he leaves, he seems to have dropped one of his pills on the floor. Bree picks up the tablet and holds it up to the light, looking distinctly unhappy that a guest would trash her kitchen this way.
Meanwhile, Victor and Gabby are just boarding Victor's yacht. It takes kind of a while, because Victor has to explain why they're not leaving from the marina, and why there's no crew for this voyage. And then he has to glare darkly at her back as she walks the plank. Onto the boat, that is.
Lynette has decided it's time to kick her mom out of the house, now that she doesn't need her help any more with the fatal disease she's been battling. Lynette says it's not just Stan, but the smoking and the swearing and the kids' mixology lessons. Lynette figures Stella can afford to get her own place, since she came up with ten grand before, but Stella admits that was all she had. And Lynette's sister Lucy had already kicked her out. "Not to put too fine a point on it," Stella says, "but your cancer couldn't have come at a better time." Must be nice to be wanted.
Julie is still trying to help Dylan uncover the mystery of her family. She does this by asking for Susan's help with a "genealogy" project for school. Susan tries to be discreet for about ten seconds, but she quickly caves and tells Julie about the vague remark Katherine made at her party a few weeks ago, that Dylan's father had been abusive. But don't tell anyone, 'kay? So Julie goes right to Dylan, who heard the whole thing because she was waiting in the room. That's Susan's discretion for you.
Bree is going through her Generic Drug Manual, which is the size of a brick yet contains only one picture of a pill that matches Mike's completely featureless, oblong, white capsule. So Bree calls Susan and asks to stop by. And then when Mike comes home for lunch, Susan confronts him with the pill. She says it's a narcotic, according to Bree, and Mike smoothly says that they were prescribed after his accident, he found some in the back of the medicine cabinet, and he's been carrying them around since then in case his shoulder acts up. Susan is beyond relieved to hear it, but still has to tell Mike all about how worried she was that Mike was going to extreme lengths to score dope. They hug, and Mike tucks the pill in his jeans pocket and heads upstairs, reaching around like his shoulder's hurting now. Probably got poked by one of Teri Hatcher's bones during that hug.
Bree's decided to go get the baby circumcised after all. But no sooner does she find herself in a doctor's office than the doctor whips out a letter from Orson saying that he doesn't want the kid pruned. Bree is so shocked that reading it teleports her back to her kitchen, where she angrily recites to Orson, "Please feel free to show her this letter and assure her of its wide distribution to hospitals and physicians across two neighboring states." Heh. Orson's really looking out for that foreskin. Bree's pissed that Orson thought this was necessary, and he mildly points out that obviously it was. He asks her why she's so pro-snip, and she says that the uncircumcised variety is "unsightly" and she doesn't want the kid made fun of for being different. Orson tweaks her for her adherence to tradition and conformity at the cost of pain and reduced sexual pleasure. Bree's like, "Yeah, speaking of which...?" She does not like to lose.
Katherine comes home to find Dylan on the laptop, doing her genealogy project. When she finds out Dylan is researching her dad, she freaks and slams the laptop hard enough to nearly cost Dylan a finger. Which would put a dent in her cello career. But Dylan's done being bullied, especially now that she knows Katherine talked about her dad at game night. She physically prevents Katherine's attempt to close the laptop, shoving her away and daring her to slap her again or kick her out of the house. "I am officially no longer afraid of you," she says. Katherine needs a new tactic.
Susan's over at Bree's house, and Bree doesn't seem as convinced as Susan was about Mike's story. She gives Susan a little tour of her former hiding places for booze and advises Susan, "Trust but verify." So Susan goes home and gets to work verifying. If by "verify" you mean "ransack." Susan is all sweaty and exhausted and just about to give up when one of Mike's flashlights doesn't work. And why might that be? Well, you have to put the batteries in right. And they have to be the right kind of batters. And they have to actually be batteries, and not a freezer bag full of painkillers, which is what Susan finds inside the light. So really, she neither trusted nor verified.
Lynette has decided that she and her mom need to go have "lunch" with Lynette's sister Lydia. Lydia, of course, is not having it. The minute Stella gets up from the table, Lydia tells Lynette that their mom made her crazy when she lived with her, and when she moved out she got her life back. Except Lynette notices that Lydia seems to be saying all this in therapy-speak, and busts her for reading affirmations off of index cards. She snatches them away, and realizes that Lydia's serious about not taking her mom back. Not that that keeps her from lying, "She's totally not like that anymore," when Lucy mentions the time Stella brought home a guy from a bar. Lynette appears to let it go, and tosses the index cards back so they fall on the floor. And while Lydia is bent over picking them up, Lynette grabs Lydia's car remote and pops the trunk on her sister's car. Stella returns and starts in on Lydia's hair, so neither of them notice that instead of going to look for the waiter like she claimed, Lynette has run outside, taken her mom's luggage from her trunk, put it in Lucy's trunk, and driven off. All of this so we can see through the front window, while neither of the other two women notice. Thank God Lynette's cancer-free, so I can go back to hating her without feeling bad about it.
Edie has called Carlos over to pick up one of his paintings. Noticing that it looks like she put a foot through it, he obviouses, "There's a hole in it." "Yeah, I don't get modern art either," Edie says. This scene is really just an excuse for Edie to tell Carlos that if he thinks she's mad about his affair with Gabby, he should have seen Victor when he found out. As Edie closes the door on Carlos's face, he doesn't look too worried about his painting any more.
So Carlos calls Gabby to warn her, and she seems pretty sure that Victor doesn't know. Otherwise why would he be acting so sweet and taking her on a boat trip. Carlos is like, he what? Gabby: "Oh, crap." Right then is when Victor comes below. Gabby drops her cell phone in a flutter. Victor confiscates it, saying they agreed on total privacy and she can have it back when they return. Aw, isn't that sweet?
Later, Gabby finds Victor slicing up French bread with an unnecessarily large knife. She makes an excuse about wanting to go back to shore for a jacket. Victor, who I love because he has no time for anyone else's crap on this show, just comes out and tells her that he knows everything. Gabby starts apologizing, pointing out that Victor was always gone and plus she's also really needy. Victor doesn't seem impressed. He drops the knife, which doesn't calm Gaby much. From a compartment, he pulls out a big soft-sided suitcase and is opening it up. "It's bad enough you betrayed me. Now I have to listen to your whining?" He says he has something for her, but before he produces it, she blindsides him with an oar, knocking him over the side and into the ocean. And then she takes the helm and drives off, leaving him hollering and swimming uselessly after her.
Katherine seems to have come around on Dylan's father. She tells Dylan that she' written down his mother's name, date of birth, and last known address. In short, everything Dylan needs to find him. But before Katherine gives it to Dylan, she makes her promise not to bring her father there or tell him where she is. Apparently he nearly killed her last time she saw him, when she said she was leaving and taking Dylan. Katherine really works it as she tells the story. Finally, all teary, she holds out the folded piece of stationery. And suddenly it's not all that important to Dylan after all. Try to act surprised that as soon as Dylan leaves, Katherine unfolds the paper to show us that it's blank.
Lynette is out front haranguing her kids about not keeping their treehouse clean when her sisters squeal up in Lucy's car, trying to ditch their mom back at her house. This turns into what looks like it could become a big ugly row over who wants their mom the least, until Lydia suggests they bring it inside while Stella herself stands there looking thoughtful to Lucy's car. Thoughtful and unwanted and wondering if a homeless shelter could really be that much worse than dealing with these assholes who hate her so much.
While Orson is napping, Bree sneaks out with the baby to go to her friend's bris. And after the ceremony, Bree approaches the rabbi to ask if he can do hers too, and even claims to be Jewish. The rabbi's surprised to hear that this tall, red-haired, fair-skinned woman was born with the surname Rabinowitz. "I should only have a nickel for every time I've heard that," she says. Bree keeps up the Yiddish syntax as she explains to the rabbi about her "big stubborn goy" husband who's against the circumcision. Finally he gets her to promise, "I swear to you before God that his child will be as devout a Jew as I am." Good enough for the rabbi.
So when she goes home and tells Orson that Benjamin's been circumcised, he's rather piqued. Actually, no, he's pissed off. She claims that he considered his feelings, but since the baby has her blood, the decision was really up to her. And now Orson is enraged. "So who am I to Benjamin?" he demands angrily. "A friendly uncle? A male nanny?" Chastened, Bree says she has to remember it's love that makes them a family and not blood. So she hands the boy over to him. "Your son would like you hold him. By the way, his Hebrew name is Simkha." Okay, all better.
Gabby has somehow managed to dock that big huge boat by herself. Carlos meets her at the dock, and is kind of surprised to hear that Victor didn't exactly come back with her. Gabby claims that he was coming after her with a gun, so Carlos figures they can claim it was self-defense, as long as Gabby still has said gun. Gabby nearly strains something making a thinky-face, and leads Carlos to the suitcase -- which contains nothing but a sweater. So they decide to go back out and find Victor. Oh, why not just head home, rent Open Water and call it a day?
Stella is sitting out on Lynette's porch listening to her daughters arguing about how much they all don't want her. This turns into a reminiscence of all of Stella's past drunknesses. At some point, Lynette realizes her sisters don't care about their mom at all, which she doesn't understand. And which means that she's keeping Stella after all. And then she has the balls to act like they're the assholes, like she didn't just ditch her at a restaurant. Shut up, Lynette. Have some more cancer. She's still on her high horse when one of the kids comes in to ask where Grandma's going. The L's rush out just in time to see Stella leaving in a cab. Lucky Stella.
Gabby and Carlos have managed to find Victor, still afloat and in one piece. Wow, rich and lucky. They haul him back aboard, and Victor says he only wanted to talk to Gabby, to find out if they have a chance and if she's still screwing Carlos. Speaking of whom, what's Carlos is doing on his boat? "Besides saving your life?" Carlos says. He reminds Victor about what he said a few weeks ago, boasting that he'd spend anyone who cuckolded him into oblivion. He taunts, "How tough are you without your ATM card?" Victor doesn't make a move at first, but then he sucker-punches Carlos and groin-knees him to the deck. He's about to go after Carlos with that bread knife, but before he can, Gabby knocks him overboard again with that same oar. Carlos is ready to haul him back on board and tie him up, but Victor hasn't come up to the surface this time. He's like, "Fuck this, I'm swimming back to the Mad Men set."
So when we see Carlos and Gabby, the boat is docked again, and it's dark. Victor's gone. Carlos is stressing about how they can't prove they killed Victor in self-defense, and it's not going to look good that the two of them were on the boat together and Victor didn't come back. Gabby says that maybe nobody has to know they were there; she can say Victor went out alone, despondent and on the verge of suicide. Carlos points out that the boat's there with them, and Gabby says they can fix that.
Mike comes home to find Susan sitting on the steps, holding his stash. She calls him a drug addict and a liar, and he says he can explain. He says he didn't want to tell her he was back on the stuff because he didn't want her to feel guilty. Oh, here it comes. He says that he wrenched his shoulder putting in Mrs. McCluskey's water heater, and the doctor told him to take some time off work the same day he found out Susan was pregnant. And ever since, he keeps hearing about all the stuff they're going to need, like $10,000 preschool. Oh, and don't forget that D&G suit he had to buy for the new neighbor because Susan is a moron. I brought that up, not Mike. He says he wants his son to have the advantages he never had. Susan says the baby just needs a healthy father. So Mike dumps the pills down the kitchen drain. Good enough for Susan, even though Mike doesn't run the garbage disposal or even the water after them. They're just sitting down there in the trap, as though waiting for some drug-addicted plumber to go back in after them.
Mary Alice starts rambling about deception, and how you find it in the best homes. "Parents rely on it when dealing with inquisitive children," as Katherine and Dylan chill at home. "Women use it to help keep secrets big and small," as Bree throws away a pregnancy pad. "Lovers need it to cover up inconvenient accidents," as Gabby and Carlos watch Victor's boat steam unmanned into the night. Mary Alice concludes that deception gets us what we're looking for, as Mike gets up while Susan sleeps, and goes after the trap of the kitchen drain to get his pills back. Sorry, Susan. You should have realized that an addict is one thing, but an addict plumber who uses the plumbing to "get rid of" his junk is another.