By DeAnn Welker
This show stops being fun and gets mean this week, starting with Carlos, who's still treating Lynette badly at work. When she won't move to Florida, he puts her in a storage closet for an office, and has no remorse. Gaby sees her there and acts like she won't help, but then does. Too late, though, because Lynette's also lawyered up. Friendship terminated, folks, because then Carlos gives Lynette a task she can't complete and fires her. But she says she's not going quietly. And, because Lynette is the best character on this show, I officially hate Gaby and Carlos again. At least for now.
Katherine tells MJ what a bad person his mom is, and Mike threatens her. Then, when he arrives a birthday party to pick up MJ, he's told Katherine already got him. When he gets to Katherine's he sends MJ home and tells Katherine what they hadn't wasn't real; it was nothing, and all he ever thought about was Susan. She asks him to kill her if that's true, but he says he doesn't care about her enough to do that. So she calls the cops and says she's bleeding, then stabs herself (we don't see it, but we do see the knife, which is awfully bloody).
Angie and Nick worry the cops are going to come questioning him since he was at the coffee shop so late the night before Emily got killed. But then Julie breaks Danny's heart by telling him they'll never be together, and he tries to commit suicide. The trip to the hospital seems to distract Nick and Angie a bit -- they reminisce about the day they changed their identities. Oh, and we find out she killed a man, which is why they ran. He didn't have to, so she sees it as a big, old sacrifice. When Danny wakes from his post-suicide-attempt coma, he tells the nurse (Mona from Wisteria) that his name isn't Danny; it's Tyler. My problem with this is that if they changed their identities in 1991, as Angie says in the episode, Danny would have been awfully young, and you'd think he'd be used to being Danny by now.
Oh, and Susan discovers Bree and Karl's affair and tries to hurt Bree in self-defense class. But she ultimately comes around and is happy for the relationship, despite Orson (who's only in the episode for about one second, at the end, when Bree's watching him meet with the ex-con she and Karl set up to blackmail him).
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vloggers Val & Beth think DH is too over-the-top.
Previously: Gaby discovered Lynette's pregnancy, so Carlos offered her a promotion -- in Miami. Katherine broke down crying to Susan over her love for Mike. Karl came up with a plan for Bree to blackmail Orson into a divorce by getting him to associate with a known felon. Nick made a call to an agent on his disposable phone, and a waitress overheard. He left the shop, and then someone showed up and strangled her (after she asked said person if they'd forgotten something).
We pick up on the waitress's body as Mary Alice tells us her name (Emily Portsmith) and how quickly word of her death traveled, since everyone in town knew her. Her family was known and respected (they cry when they get the call). She had been popular in school (so we get a shot of Parker on the bus, which is odd, since he seems years younger than Emily). And her loyal customers (our Desperate Housewives) were shocked that she'd been married. Mostly because another young woman had been attacked a few weeks before. We see Susan telling Julie what happened. So, everyone in Fairview knew there was a killer, and they'd soon learn he wasn't finished. We get a close-up of brown shoes and jeans as our killer drops a gum wrapper. If you have any idea why this happened, please let me know, because I'm at a loss.
The day, the Wisteria women (sans Katherine, of course) get together for their weekly poker game. It's a full house (get it?) because in addition to Bree, Gaby, Lynette, and Susan, Mrs. McCluskey, Angie and Mona (who Susan selected at the neighborhood watch meeting) are there. But no one is in the mood to gamble, so they all sit around and discuss how similar Emily's murder was to Julie's attack. They all talk about how worried they feel, so Mona suggests taking a self-defense class at the hospital, where she works. Bree's okay with that, but pulls out her gun and says she really feels safer with her .38 Special. She offers it to Susan, but she's off guns ever since she accidentally grazed Katherine. Bree: "So, you're still going with 'accidentally'?" Susan glares, but it seems to be all in fun. I think. Julie walks through the room, and Mrs. McC invites her to self-defense, but she tells them her attack came on so suddenly, and she blacked out so quickly, that no self-defense could have helped her. "If someone really wants to get you, they can get you." Well, that really put a damper on this whole, "Let's get pumped in self-defense classes" coffee klatch.
Scavos'. Tom's sewing Penny's costume (while reading the sports section, which he says cancel each other out) when Lynette's pouring her coffee for work. Tom offers her a bottle of pricey bourbon, but since it's 8 a.m. and she's pregnant, she passes. He says it's for Carlos, though, to smooth things over. Lynette thinks Carlos will get over it, so she's sure she won't need the bourbon. Tom pushes, but she's all breezy about how she's too valuable to be sent to Florida. Immediate cut to a "Bon Voyage, Lynette" party when she shows up at the office. She asks to see Carlos in her office, and he smirks as he obliges. She tells him she's not moving to Florida, so he says that's fine; this can be a goodbye party. He says the opening he has for her is in Florida, and Tim's already been given her job. She tells him if he wants her gone, he's going to have to fire her, but he's not about to do that and open himself up to a lawsuit for firing a pregnant woman. (But just wait; he might change his mind about that.) She tells him she'll just get to work then, but notices the picture on her desk isn't of her kids. Carlos says those are Tim's kids, and leads her down the hall to her new office: a storage closet. She says the twins have a bigger office. Which is not at all true. She looks great for carrying twins.
Back at Susan's, she checks in on Julie to see how she's doing. Susan tells Julie that since the police think whoever attacked her also attacked Emily, now is the time to tell them about the married man she was seeing. Julie insists he had nothing to do with it, but Susan says sometimes men who cheat have more than one girlfriend. Julie says there's no way he could hurt or kill someone. Then she adds, "Why would he want to attack me, and then get back together?" Susan asks if she's started seeing him again, and Julie says no, but even if she did, it's her life. Susan says she's right about that, and says life was much less complicated when Julie was seven. Julie says she's sorry she grew up, and Susan says she is, too. Ouch, Mom.
Nick watches all about the strangling on the news, when Angie comes in and breezily shuts off the TV. She says if the cops hadn't wasted so much time on Danny, they might have caught this guy before he did this again. At this point, I have to interject and wonder how Angie doesn't suspect Nick. I mean, she knows he had an affair with Julie and she got all jealous when she saw him flirting with Emily. One might think she doesn't suspect him because she actually knows he did do it, but if that were true, this conversation would never happen because there's no one else around, so it isn't occurring for anyone else's benefit. He doesn't respond, so she asks him what's up, and he tells her he was at the coffee shop right before that girl closed up. Angie says, "Oh, please be kidding." He's not, though, as we know. He says no one saw him, but the cops still might find out and come question him again. They might even want to run his prints, so he suggests they don't wait for that to happen and just leave now. But Angie's sick of running now that she finally has friends and feels like a real person after 18 years of being a ghost. He says fine; maybe they'll get lucky and the cops won't come. But he doesn't know how much luck they have left.
Bree's in a grubby hallway somewhere. She knocks on a door and asks the guy who answers if he's Lamar Benjamin. She chirpily tells him she's Bree Hodge, and he knows her husband from the state penitentiary, and wonders if he has a moment. Lamar's got nothing but. Inside, she looks uncomfortable, but fakes pleasant quite well. Lamar sizes Bree up and says, "Damn! Flossy did okay for hisself [sic]." Orson was Flossy because he got them all dental floss and then made them use it. Lamar thought it was a pain in the ass and was glad when someone used it to strangle a guard and it was taken away. That's one use for it, but not quite as genius as these guys nearly escaping using floss. Bree lies to Lamar that Orson's spoken fondly of him and his other "prison friends." Lamar's surprised, since Orson seemed kind of mad when he used him as a shield in a yard fight. Bree says he tells that story now and laughs... so she was wondering if he'd pay Orson a visit to cheer him up, since he's so depressed. Lamar's not willing to break parole and risk going back to jail. But Bree gives him $300 (and another $300 to come later) and promises she's good at keeping secrets. He's all, "What the hell?"
Karl shows up with mint chocolate chip ice cream to cheer up Julie, after Susan told him she's been upset. She worries that her attacker is out there, since he knows where she lives and what she drives. She's afraid to go anywhere, since she could be followed. Karl suggests they switch cars, and she's surprised he's willing to drive her tiny car. He says as long as there's AC, he'd do anything for her and gives her a sweet kiss on the forehead.
MJ's ball rolls onto Katherine's lawn, and he sees her on the porch looking sad and asks if she's okay. She tells him life's complicated, but it's just grown-up stuff he wouldn't understand. He shrugs and turns to go, but crazy Katherine calls him back and shrugs herself -- "Since you asked..." Later, MJ's looking sad and thoughtful as Mike talks to him about parties and ponies. He realizes these childhood dream moments aren't getting through to MJ and asks if he's okay. MJ says he's worried about Mrs. Mayfair. "She's not getting any younger, and it's really hard to meet guys in this town." Mike laughs and asks where he heard that. He says Mrs. Mayfair told him, and she also said that Mommy stole him from her, which makes her a bad person. Mike tells MJ his mommy is a great person, and then storms angrily out of the house. He finds Katherine working in her garden and steps on her work. He asks if she actually told his 6-year-old son that his mother's a bad person. Katherine stands up and says she would have used more colorful language, but like Mike said, he's only six. Mike tells her she's never seen him angry, but if she wants to, she can just talk to MJ one more time. Then she'll know what he's capable of. Katherine tells Mike she loves MJ and would never do anything to hurt him, but Mike replies ominously, "One more time." I get that Katherine's a lunatic, but maybe if someone actually were nice to her instead of the whole block taking Susan's side, apparently, she might not be such a wreck. Someone, at the very least, least needs to get that woman into therapy, like, yesterday.
Susan's at a stoplight somewhere when she sees a blue Mini Cooper parked at the Shangri-La Motel. Because there is only one blue Mini Cooper in all of Fairview, she immediately knows it's Julie's. She pulls in to it and calls Julie, who's at the library. She tells her mom that's where she is, but Susan's not buying it. They have an entire phone conversation in which there's a total lack of communication (like most relationships on this show) that culminates with Julie telling her mom she only has an hour and wants to finish the old favorite she's diving into. (Susan: "And vice versa, I'm sure.") Susan commands Julie to get out of there now, and Julie hangs up on her, with "Mom, I'll see you soon." Susan: "You bet you will." In the room, Karl is undressing and delighting in the blackmail photos. Bree makes it clear that they're not turning Orson in, even if he calls their blackmail bluff. Outside, Susan finds a housekeeper and says she's looking for the redhead from the little blue car, who's with a man. Susan says the redhead's her daughter, and the housekeeper's like, "Damn, you look good." Susan loves this and thanks her, then asks what room they're in. Back in the room, Bree finishes her spiel about not hurting Orson and Karl tells her that her inability to hurt a man she used to love reminds him why he loves her so much. Then they start to get busy as we see Susan peeping. She gasps: "Oh my God! Oh my God!" Commercials.
Gaby shows up at Carlos's office for lunch, but has to run to the ladies room. When she comes out, she sees Lynette in her storage closet. She says hi, and then they have an awkward moment about the "comfy" office. Lynette tells Gaby she has to talk to Carlos. She knows Gaby's upset, but her keeping her pregnancy secret wasn't personal; she just knew she'd tell Carlos. Gaby thinks that is personal, since she didn't trust her not to tell Carlos. Lynette's guessing Gaby's not going to talk to Carlos, and Gaby says, "Good guess." Gaby looks sadly down the hall at Lynette, who looks back at her, depressed.
All the teenage types from this show -- Porter, Danny (sporting a trimmer hair cut) and Ana -- are gathered outside the coffee shop with a guy we've never seen (whom we quickly learn worked at the coffee shop), discussing how shocking it is that Emily's dead. Danny asks who found her, and her co-worker says he was late, thank God, so it was the assistant manager. Julie approaches, and she says she didn't know Emily but guesses they're sort of connected now. Porter takes the coffee boy home, then Ana tells Danny they should go, too, but he says he's going to stay and talk to Julie and doesn't need a ride. Danny asks Julie on a date (to eat or to Emily's funeral, which is odd). Julie says she can't hang out with him, and it's complicated. Danny asks if it's 'cause she slept with his dad, and she asks if he knew that, why would he still... He blurts, "Because I like you!" And he's forgiven her. She tells him that's nice but weird, and it's never going to happen between them. They part, and he sits on a park bench and looks constipated (or sad; it's hard to tell).
At home, Angie's looking out the window, wondering if the cops are going to come. Nick suggests maybe they think about turning themselves in. Angie asks him to please tell her he didn't talk to them, but he says he did, but he's not stupid: He used a prepaid and the call lasted less than a minute. She says they know they're alive now, though. Danny comes in and cries in the other room as they scream at each other. Angie yells that she killed a man, so they'll only want to make a deal that involves her death. She's never talking to them again. Danny cries his way to his room.
Gaby and Carlos are in bed later, as she tells him she can't get the sad image of Lynette out of her head. "The only thing missing in that cramped little office was a hamster wheel and wood chips." Carlos figures Lynette will quit after a couple more days, but Gaby wonders if they're doing the right thing. He convinces her they're justified, since she shouldn't have taken the promotion without telling him she was pregnant (which is NOT true; women do not have to disclose that information to accept a job or a promotion). Gaby says that's why this is their opportunity to do something they never do: forgive. She says Tom and Lynette have been their friends for 15 years and gave them sausage of the month last Christmas. He agrees the sausages were good, and he sort of misses them. Gaby says Carlos should have seen the defeated look in Lynette's eyes when she left her in her office... Which segues to Lynette angrily telling Tom in their bed how the look in Gaby's eyes was like, "Screw you, Lynette. I win." Lynette says that's when she called the lawyer. She's suing them, and Carlos is being served papers tomorrow. Tom sits up and says, "Wow, you are really getting worked up here." Lynette: "We are not having angry sex." Tom, laying back down: "Just thought I'd ask."
Angie comes into Danny's room and barks at him about not putting his clothes away. He's lying face down on his bed, and she thinks he's napping at first, but sees an empty bottle of pills. She panics, and he won't wake up, so she yells for Nick.
Self-defense class is in session, with Gaby, Mrs. McC and Susan in attendance. Bree arrives late and says she had three parties to prepare for. Susan scoffs under her breath that it must be tiring juggling all those affairs. Bree wonders what's up. They have to team up in class. Mrs. McC gets Gaby, and Bree and Susan are together. Susan says she can be persuaded to attack Susan. Mrs. McC flips Gaby onto her back without listening to the instructor, who tells the attacker to put the victim in a chokehold. Susan relishes doing it to Bree, who tells her it's a little tight. Susan asks if it feels bad being betrayed by someone you trusted, and then says she knows about her and Karl. She calls Bree a traitor, and they continue to verbally spar as Bree tries to get out of her chokehold. When the instructor tells them to switch, Susan's not willing to let Bree get behind her since she's already stabbed her in the back (not really, actually; she didn't do anything fitting that definition). The instructor makes Susan let her go, and Susan flips Susan around and puts her in a chokehold, then tells her Orson has put her through hell this year and Karl means more to her than just a fling. She's not giving him up, and is willing to end their friendship over it. Bree leaves, telling the instructor she's defended herself enough for one day.
Scavos'. The whole family comes down the stairs and tells Lynette goodbye, as they head to Penny's pageant (she's dressed as an angel). Lynette apologizes to Penny, but says Dad's recording the whole thing so she can watch later. Penny's obviously sad as she leaves. But Lynette gets up after a second and goes after them, hollering, "Wait up!"
At the hospital, nurse Mona tells Angie and Nick that Danny will be under observation for 72 hours, standard procedure in suicide attempts. Angie thanks her for everything, and Mona leaves. Danny's still unconscious as Angie rubs his head and asks what he was thinking. Nick hugs her from behind, and says he's sorry he called the feds. He was just trying to make her life easier after doing so many things to make it harder and everything he's done to this kid. Angie says, "November 10, 1991." She asks if he remembers it rained all day, and that they went to the diner before they met up with the others. He remembers his pumpkin pancakes, and that she didn't have anything. She says she had coffee and forgot her umbrella in a booth. "And then eight hours later, neither of us existed anymore." She turns and tells him she had to run, but he didn't, and he gave up a hell of a lot so she wouldn't be alone. He touches her face and says he'd do it again; he'd do anything for them. She knows that. This doesn't seem like the same guy who was just begging Julie to take him back, does it?
At work the morning, Lynette's looking haggard in her office. Carlos knocks and says it's 9, and wonders if she has his reports. She says she just needs one more hour. He sighs, "If only I needed them by 10, but I told you I needed them by 9." He asks the lawyer if he was not clear, but the lawyer says he was crystal clear. Lynette says he knew it was impossible to get this done in a night, but he says it wouldn't have been impossible if she'd skipped her daughter's pageant, and he knows she went. Seriously, this is low. Lynette and Tom would never, ever do this to them if the roles were reversed. I hate him so much right now. So, he fires her. She asks if he's really going to do this, and he checks with the lawyer, who says he's within his legal rights. She starts to cry that she was up all night on this. Carlos snottily says that's a shame and gives her some papers from legal to sign. Lynette says she's not going to go quietly. Carlos says she doesn't care how she goes. He just wants her gone. She pushes the papers away and cries when he and the lawyer leave.
Hospital. Mona's at Danny's bedside when he wakes up. She tells him she's glad he's awake; she lives down the street and promised his folks she'd take good care of him. She asks him by name if he wants juice, and he says, "Tyler. It's not Danny. My name's Tyler." Mona looks puzzled. As is Mike, when he shows up at a birthday party to pick up MJ, and the mom there tells him that his neighbor, Katherine, picked him up already and told the mom he couldn't make it. He rushes away as the mom yells, "Did I do something wrong?" [Yes, because either you don't really know who she is, or you know that she's Mike's ex-girlfriend, both of which should keep you from giving her someone else's child. - Z] He arrives at Katherine's, where she's cutting a casserole to MJ, who says, "Hi, Daddy." Mike sends him home as Katherine wields the knife (which switches which direction she's holding it when the camera cuts away and back) awfully close to MJ's head. Katherine pretends she was doing Mike a favor when she saw MJ standing there, looking so forlorn. When MJ's gone, Mike asks Katherine what he told her. She says MJ deserves to know the truth, that what she and Mike had was real. Mike says they had nothing; that the whole time he was with her he was thinking about Susan. Every time they touched or kissed, he was wishing she was Susan. Katherine cries and holds the knife handle-out to him, with the blade pointed toward her. She asks him to please kill her if he means it, since that would be less painful. He takes the knife and throws it on the table, as he tells her he doesn't care enough about her to kill her. She cries as he leaves.
In voiceover, Mary Alice says the world is a dangerous place, and we must defend ourselves from those who want to hurt us. We see an anonymous woman learning self-defense. Julie's getting in a car worrying about a strange man at the one. Lynette's packing her office up, looking at Carlos (MAVO: "the employer who holds a grudge"). Bree watches Orson (MAVO: "the husband who won't let go) talk to Lamar. MAVO finishes up that we all try to defend ourselves so we won't get hurt. Katherine picks up her phone and fake-panics to 911 that she needs an ambulance, because she's losing a lot of blood. We get a close-up of the place on the table where the knife is as it's picked up and MAVO says, "Until we realize that our pain can hurt someone else." We stay on the table as we hear Katherine gasp and then see her hand drop the bloody knife back onto the table. We hear her fall to the ground. I guess handing the knife to Mike is how she planned to pin this on him? So she planned it all along, since he threatened her and she knew how he'd react. Tricky, tricky. And, of course, batshit insane. But that's what makes Dana Delaney such fun to watch this season.
week: The last episode of the year. Announcer Guy says it's the most shocking episode of the year, which began as a typical Wisteria Lane holiday and then became a tragedy. Not all will survive as a plane crashes onto the street. Announcer Guy: "But a hero will rise. In the most breathtaking episode of the season." I'll admit it: I can't wait.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vloggers Val & Beth think DH is too over-the-top.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, is glad she's never had a boss like Carlos or a friend like Gaby. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.