By Evany
Amnesia, hustlers, and yard sales: oh my! So, Mike is out of his coma! At least, his eyes are open and he's talking. He may actually qualify as still comatose, though. Edie is his Whorence Nightingale and, while she's spoon-feeding him pudding, poisons his last-two-years-missing memory against Susan. Which isn't really a difficult task, seeing as Susan is sleeping with the Ever After prince when Mike wakes from his coma. When Susan finally visits Mike, he tells her that he doesn't want to see her again. Lynette takes an interest in her child, Parker. He doesn't want to play Little League and had permission from Gay Matt to quit. She, however, decides that humiliation and personal injury be damned, he's gonna keep on playing. She bribes the pitcher from the opposing team to lob some softies to poor Parker. He manages to hit one, but knocks the kid out cold, which somehow forces the pitcher to explain why he has a fifty spot in his back pocket. So, Parker's off the team. Oh wait, Lynette then bribes the COACH to let Parker back on the team. At his game, Parker actually hits the ball, and it looks like he's going to make a run, until he trips and hurts his ankle. So, he's off the team again. And, it's safe to say that Lynette still didn't learn anything from the experience. Bree learns that Andrew was a hooker while on the streets. In fact, he was patronized by some society gal's husband. Bree decides that she should tell his wife that they have more in common than china patterns, and the lady decides that Bree should know Danielle is sleeping with her History teacher. Orson, while able to intuit from very little information that a young man was selling his flesh while living on the streets (though who wants to wager that Andrew has been hooking since 2002?), doesn't know how to knock off a guy in a coma. He is pretty shocked when he heard that Mike was awake. Gabby and Carlos continue to feud. Since he won't pay spousal support, she sells his stuff. Then, he decides that, if he has to support her, he is going to live in the house. She changes the locks. He breaks in. She gets arrested. Yeah, that part was odd. Then, on the way back from the clink, Carlos tells Gabby that he thought they'd get back together and that all of their bickering was just fun Sonny and Cher stuff. She sets him straight on that theory and he throws her out of the car. Her retribution? She decides to give up her claim to several of their marital assets. But, she adds that they hold to sentimental value for her. Yeah, that's really gonna hurt Carlos. Good thinking there.
Previously: all the stuff last week, plus Orson drove (over) Mike into a coma.
So okay, Mike's awake. Edie goes racing around the hospital, shouting out the news. The news spreads like a virus throughout Fairview. Mike's doctor calls his Aunt Ida (which seems weird, why would he call his aunt before calling Susan, who very clearly left word with the hospital to call her if there was any news? He and Aunt Ida must be very, very close). Ida runs up the street and tells Lynette. Lynette tells Tom (who according to MAVO, is "busy playing a computer game"). Tom sends an email to Carlos (who was "busy plotting strategy with his divorce lawyer"), and the email buzzes his cell phone. Carlos calls Gabby, who's busy meeting with her divorce lawyer. Gabby calls Bree. Bree goes into the living room to tell Danielle. Danielle calls Julie. And Julie calls Susan. And Susan? Her phone is out of range, so she doesn't get the news. But she's taking a huge bubble bath with Ian, and also moaning, so what does she care?
And ROLL THOSE CREDITS!
Casa Cover Up. Danielle is putting the finishing touches on a diorama of Fairview for a "History Fair" at school. Her diorama tells the story of "Edward Sibley," the town's "founding father." With a montage of olde timey photos, MAVO explains that Edward was not exactly perfect; in fact, he was a "bootlegger, a womanizer, and a horse thief." The one-woman glee squad that is MAVO uses the fact that Edward managed to rewrite history to segue into Bree's latest plight: how to spin the whole Homeless Andrew story?
Danielle sits down at the breakfast table with Orson, Andrew, and Bree. Bree wonders out loud what story they should cook up to explain Andrew's six-plus month absence. I really find it hard to believe that Bree had no reason to explain Andrew's unexcused absence until now. Not even when people asked where her son was at her wedding? Or when the school called and wondered why Andrew never showed up for classes? Or wait, maybe Andrew graduated last year (I'm never exactly sure how old the Wisteria kids are, what with the gooeyness of this show's timelines). If so, then how about this zany excuse: "Andrew went to college." It's a little crazy, but I think people might just believe it. But no. Danielle suggests they tell everyone Andrew was absorbed by a cult, and they had to rescue and deprogram him, which Bree vetoes as potentially more embarrassing than the truth ("Why not throw in a killing spree, too?"). Orson has an idea: "Drama camp. It reflects Andrew's interest in the performing arts, while giving us a private joke to savor about the drama of his estrangement." Which is actually kind of funny. Orson's going to go far in this family, if only because he's so willing to join in on the favorite Van de Kamp pastime: finding an alibi. (Remember how Bree made Rex pretend they were taking tennis lessons when really they were going to couple's therapy? Aww, remember Rex?) Andrew has a revolutionary idea: how about they tell the truth? Bree stares at him blankly, then she turns to Orson and says, "We're going to need a name for this drama camp." By the way Orson -- whom I'm assuming has heard the news about Mike since Bree or Danielle surely told him -- really seems to be taking the news well. Or maybe he's just doing a great job of covering up his panic? Yeah he's going to fit riiight in.
Gabby is crabby. It seems Carlos is refusing to pay her crazy-high demands of spousal support, so she's hosting a big garage sale to make ends meet, and everything she's selling belongs to Carlos: his golf clubs, his fancy cufflinks, his baby blanket (hand-knitted by his mother)...everything. Carlos rolls up (she made sure to send him a flier about the big sale) and he is not pleased. Carlos threatens that if she doesn't call off the garage sale, "the gloves are coming off." Gabby: "Oh honey, the gloves aren't just off, they're [yelling to the milling crowd garage-sale shoppers] 70% OFF! Get your cashmere gloves!"
It turns out that Lynette has another flaw: she's also a creepy competitive sports mom. Parker doesn't want to play in little league anymore, and Tom gave him permission to quit, but Lynette is having none of it. Way to undermine your husband, Lynette! She forces her son outside, where she throws balls at him, and he stands there, whining that all the balls she's throwing are too fast! Lynette: "If I threw any slower, we would be bowling." Tom comes outside and asks what they're up to. Lynette: "I'll tell you what we're not doing: quitting." Tom is confused. Lynette says that Parker has "five more games" and that he "made a commitment," so he's playing some god-damned baseball. Tom, under his breath, points out that not only does Parker hate baseball, but he "kinda sucks." Lynette blah-blahs about sending Parker the right "message" about what someone does when the "going gets rough." Tom accuses her of being a "hard ass." And her ass does look very firm in this scene. Lynette: "It's called parenting, Tom. Watch and learn." Lynette throws Parker another ball, and this time it hits him. Lynette sure is fun.
Ian and Susan have extended their three-day weekend at the cabin to a full week, and now they're giddily trying to invent another excuse for staying for yet another day. So Susan's been up there all this time, unreachable, without cell phone coverage, and yet she hasn't found a way to get in touch with Julie to tell her where she is? Julie must really be worried sick by now. Or at least she would be if the writers weren't so busy warping time for the convenience of the storyline. But okay, Susan has been away for over a week, drunk on sex, and has no idea that Mike is awake, fine. "If we keep this up, we could be here until Christmas," Susan jokes. And (again!) the way things work on this show, she's probably right. Ian tells Susan that he thinks he's falling in love with her, and Susan actually seems kind of into it. They kiss, they snuggle. Ugh, it's hard to watch, isn't it?
And now for The Scene in which Edie Feeds Mike Pudding. Mike -- in a "Young Frankenstein's monster does 'Puttin' on the Ritz'" voice that I think is James Denton's idea of how someone would sound after erupting suddenly out of a coma -- says that he thinks he "can feed himself." Edie: "You said that yesterday, and I wound out with a cleavage full of pudding." Now that's a mental picture: like two bald men, covered in chocolate. Take that, Blue Man Group. Edie reminds Mike that the "therapist" said it's going to be a good while before Mike's ready to go home. This makes Mike sad. Mike is homesick. Mike also, it appears, has amnesia. He's convinced that it's still 2004, which means he remembers Bree and Rex, but not that Rex is dead. Like all of Season 2 never happened! In Marc Cherry's dreams!
Cut to Edie pedoconferencing down the hospital hallway with the doctor, who explains that Mike's condition is called "Retrograde Memory Loss," and it's the result of the "swelling of the frontal lobe damage." Most patients only lose a few weeks, though, so Mike's case is (conveniently) unusual. The doctor suggests that Edie do some work with Mike to help jog his memory, and she evilly says that she's sure she can "fill in a few blanks." Cue the "Oh Yeah, Edie Is Going to Mess with Mike's MIND" music.
And cue The Bad News Bears anthem. Lynette and Tom are sitting in the stands at Parker's little league game. Lynette is telling Tom about a lead she has on a PR job, but Tom isn't interested. His dreams, remember his dreams?!? Parker strikes out. Lynette embarrassingly yells, "It's okay P-dawg, you're going to get 'em inning!" Parker, walking back to the dugout, shoots his mother a scathing look. So Lynette walks over to her son and has a loving and frank conversation about how life is full of things that aren't fun and we're not always great at everything we try, but you never know when something unpleasant like forced baseball is going to produce something truly great, like a new best friend or a life-long love of the smell of freshly cut grass.... Just kidding! Lynette does not have a heart-to-heart with her son about the hard knocks of life. Instead, like the concerned and loving parent she isn't, Lynette turns to the woman sitting beside her in the stands and starts pumping her for information about the pitcher who just struck out Parker.
Later, during a break in the game, the pitcher kid is trying to buy a cotton candy, but he's fifty cents short. Lynette leans in with a dollar and tells the Cotton Candy Man to "give the kid whatever he wants." She invites the pitcher (his name is Nicky) for a walk, and tells him how she knows all about how his dad lost his job, how the allowance money probably isn't flowing as easily as it once was. Then she casually mentions that Parker's having some trouble hitting the ball, which pitcher kid has indeed noticed. She whips out a fifty and ask Nicky whether he'd be willing to practice with Parker after school, you know, just give Parker a few tips something to help him learn and improve. Just kidding! Lynette isn't interested in long-term plans to help her kid actually improve at anything. Are you kidding? No that fifty is for something far less savory, as you'll soon discover.
Gabby pulls up in front of her house. She's wearing the same turquoise-print scarf in her hair that she wore to the garage sale, and I think even the same turquoise track suit, so either it's the same day, or funds are, indeed, so tight that she's unable to afford new outfits. Criminal! Gabby: "What are you doing here, I means besides lowering my property value?" Carlos reports that he's ready to give in to her spousal support demands. Unfortunately, since paying off Gabby is going to be such a huge drain on his finances, he's also moving back home, and his lawyer reports that he's perfectly within his rights to do so. Gabby stomps her little foot and gasps and gapes.
Back at the Field of Shattered Dreams, Parker's up at bat again, and Lynette smiles and wiggles knowingly in the stand. Oh god, what has she done now? Nicky pitches the ball, and it's a nice and easy one. Suspiciously nice and easy. Remember that fifty Lynette gave not-such-a-saint Nicky? It was a payoff so he'd soft-pedal his pitches to Parker. Which is like three different terrible acts of parenting all rolled into one; by buying off the pitcher, Lynette is condoning cheating, the use of money to solve problems, and the corruption of a talented kid with an unemployed dad. Not only that, but she's essentially declaring that her son's skills are so unredeemable that his mother has to buy his success. In any case, Parker still manages to miss the pitch, even though it's served up on a platter. Nicky serves up another easy pitch, but it's another strike. Lynette gives Nicky a piercing look, and the kid shrugs in confusion. Strangely, not one parent in the stand or kid in the field catches the highly suspicious exchange. So dumb. Nicky throws one more pitch, and this time, Parker gets a good piece of it. Unfortunately, Parker hits it straight at Nicky, and the ball thunks the kid's head and he falls to the ground, unconscious. The team all gathers around, and Nicky's mother (?) comes running up. As Nicky struggles to consciousness, the maybe-mother spies the fifty sticking out of the back pocket of his uniform. Nicky mutters something and slowly points over at Lynette. Lynette pulls a face almost identical to the one she gave when Snora IDed her as the Carlos matchmaker at Bree's wedding, and she grabs Tom and runs. This happens to Lynette a lot. What was that you said to Tom earlier, Lynette? "It's called parenting...watch and learn"?
Down at the History Hoedown. Bree congratulates Danielle's teacher, Mr. Fallutti, for getting Danielle so fired up about history. Mr. Fallutti has that reluctantly balding look of a guy in his mid-thirties. He tells Bree not to "tell anyone" but Danielle is actually his "favorite student"...in bed! (But I get ahead of myself; more on that later.) Hot for Teacher Danielle, wearing a dress that's really more of a negligee, sidles up and smiles hugely at Bree and Fallutti, and he looks at her all, "don't stand so, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me." Across the room, Andrew leans down to take a closer look at another diorama at the same moment as some dad-guy leans in for a closer look. They lock eyes, and clearly they recognize each other. The dadman can't quite place Andrew, so Andrew jogs his memory. The man gave him a ride in his car once? "You know, the one with the reclining seats?" Panama! (Reach down between my legs, ease the seat back. You know what I'm sayin'? Wow, two Van Halen references in one paragraph? That deserves a prize or something, like maybe my own pair of pants sewn out of ladies panties, Ã la the pair famously owned and worn by Diamond Dave. Whom, incidentally, I once met at a strip club in Los Angeles. But I regress.) A look of horror crosses the dadman's face, and he races away, bumping into Orson on his way out of Dodge. Orson, who recognizes the man as "Dr. Keck" (a fellow dentist maybe?), asks Andrew how they know each other, and Andrew laughs and says, "drama camp." Orson: "Oh, dear god." Andrew, who actually seems upset, still manages to laugh wryly as he says, "I...ah...performed for him once." Ha! Orson very nicely puts his hand on Andrew's shoulder and asks him whether he's okay, and Andrew, looking shaky, claims that he's fine. Orson marvels that Dr. Keck is a "very respected member of the community." Andrew: "They all were." Watching the exchange from across the room, Bree looks thoughtful.
Later, back at the Van de Hodge manse. Bree asks Orson what he and Andrew were talking about down at the diorama fair. Orson tries to escape the conversation with an offer to make some cocoa, but Bree presses the matter. Orson sighs and explains that, while Andrew doesn't want him to say anything, he doesn't want to hold anything back from Bree. So after getting Bree to agree to not to tell Andrew that he just spilled the beans, Orson explains: "When Andrew was on the street, he didn't just beg for money; at times, he did things to earn it." Bree, who by the way is working on some needlepoint in this scene, the picture of old-fashioned womanhood, says, "Oh, good! I'd hate to think he had no work ethic at all." The "Oh Boy" music tiptoes into life. Orson: "What I mean is, men hired him...ah...to...do things, things he wasn't proud of." Bree, innocently: "Yard work?" Ha. Orson is "afraid not." He stares at her meaningfully, but she can't quite catch his meaning. She asks if the things Andrew did were really "awful," and Orson dances beautifully around the subject, explains that no, the things Andrew did were not awful; in fact, he and Bree do these things all the time. He just doesn't give her money for it...? Finally, his meaning hits home. Bree, who you may recall is a Republican, looks shocked, her face a mask of surprise like she's just been rear-ended. Without getting paid for it. Orson, brusquely: "I think someone could use a cocoa." Dr. Orson is actually growing on me!
In the kitchen, Orson foams up some milk and advises Bree not to "judge Andrew" because the poor boy was "desperate." Bree paces and mutters that she blames herself for driving him to these depths. Oh, whatever; I'm so tired of Bree's endless naive surprise and retroactive concern over what Andrew resorted to. What did she think Andrew would do when she deserted him without money or connections? Orson comforts that the "important thing is that [Andrew's] home and he's safe." Now Bree wants to know what Dr. Keck has to do with the matter: "Is he treating Andrew for awful disease?" Oh. So I guess that means that Dr. Keck isn't a dentist. Unless Bree is worried about gum disease. Orson spells it out that Keck was a "client" of Andrew's. Bree is shocked. Bree can't believe it. Keck is married! Keck plays on "Tom Scavo's bowling team"! Orson: "Well it's clearly not the only team he plays for." Ha! Orson hands Bree the cocoa, then he goes to cut into a pie that's sitting there on the counter. Bree absently tells him not to cut it; the pie is for Mike. Now it's Orson's turn to look as though his fender's been bent. So somehow Orson managed to miss out on the gossip of Mike's awakening? A completely different kind of "Uh Oh" music swells. Bree explains that she left Orson multiple messages about Mike's miracle on his phone, didn't he listen to them? Which is pretty weak, considering that Bree and Orson have shared multiple scenes between the alleged message-leaving and now, and it's pretty unbelievable that Bree wouldn't have brought it up before now.
Casa War of the Roses. Bree, Lynette, and Gabby are sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. Bree is polling the Ladies about whether or not a person who knows a man has cheated on his wife is obliged to tell the wife. Lynette says yes, definitely, because of the possibility of the man passing his wife an STD. Bree totally agrees: "That's what I was thinking! I mean that's how Bunny Connors got chlamydia." Gabby gasps: "She told me she got it from wearing somebody else's bathing suit!" Which I...don't really think can happen. Unless the bathing suit was very, very small. Lynette: "No, that's how she got crabs." Ha! Crabs are funny. Gabby (who by the way is wearing an intense coral-covered top with a glittery snake woven into the neckline, which is plunging all the way down to funky town) dishes: "With Bunny it's always something. If it's not the clap, it's a botched facelift." Bree brings them back on topic: to tell the wife or no? Gabby says no, citing how the wife always hates the person who tells her. And Gabby does speak from the authority of a wife recently cheated upon. Lynette to Gabby: "So if Tom was cheating, you wouldn't tell me?" Gabby: "No, but I'd hire someone to beat the crap out of him." Lynette: "Aw, you're sweet." Evany: "Aww, this scene is awesome."
Gabby starts to say something generic to Bree to the effect of how she just needs to "follow her heart" (which kind of goes against what she just said, which was more like a definite no, don't tell the wife, but okay...it kind of feels like Eva Longoria is just filler-talking here, waiting to get interrupted), when Carlos walks in behind Gabby, wearing his boxers and an undershirt, and starts rooting around in the refrigerator for a beer. And then he reaches and scratches that intimate area between the upper thigh and the ass. Bree, confused, asks Gabby whether she and Carlos are back together. Gabby is confused, until she turns and takes in the lovely site of Carlos scratching his thass. She grabs the beer out of his hands and hisses at him to put some pants on. Carlos would happily put some pants on, if only Gabby hadn't pulled his wet laundry out of the drier. And then Gabby brings in the big guns: she accuses him of peeing in her shampoo. Peeing. In her shampoo. Which seems pretty extreme? And considering which show I'm recapping here, that's saying a lot. Carlos: "You should know that if I was going to do something like that, I wouldn't do it to your shampoo. I'd do it to your mouthwash, soup, and decaffeinated coffee." Mouthwash, soup, and decaffeinated coffee? That's...unexpected. If I were playing $20,000 Pyramid and my partner gave me the clues "mouthwash, soup, and decaffeinated coffee," I don't think I would guess "things people pee in." Carlos waves at the Ladies and leaves. Gabby: "To answer your question, no, we are not getting back together." The ladies shrug and go to pick up their coffee cups, and then all at once, the pee thread occurs to them, and they put those cups right back down on the table.
Oh, right. Ian and Susan. Sigh. Once again, they're lolling in bed post-coitally, listening to romantic French tunes (Edith Piaf? Eartha Kitt?) and weaving their fingers together. Speaking of French singers, Ian invites Susan to actually accompany him to France month. Susan: "Okay! You got to promise me that we'll actually leave the hotel room." Ughhhh. Ian: "It's Paris, dear, you can pretty much make love anywhere." Ewwww. I know I've gone on record as saying I like these two together, their zinging dialoging at least, but for whatever reason, I'm now having real trouble watching the two of them sexing it up. Maybe it's the grossness of how neither of them is acknowledging the strangeness, or dare I say sadness of their coma mates stuck back at the hospital, but their chemistry-o-meter is hitting the negative numbers. And watching them coo and giggle is very cringe inspiring. In fact, if I weren't recapping, I'd probably be muting my way through this scene. The phone rings, and Ian and Susan awkwardly editorialize about how they guess that sometimes cell phones do actually get reception up there, after all. Susan answers the phone. It's Julie, who immediately spills the Mike news. And POP! Goodbye to all of Susan and Ian's French-kissing. Susan is frantically trying to find out when Mike actually woke up when the phone goes dead again. Susan leaps out of bed and gathers up all her clothes. Only...it looks as though Ian's sitting on top of her bra. Cringe!
At the House of Many Bribes and Many Brothers. Tom reports that Parker has been kicked off of his team, and so has Nicky. Nice work, Lynette. But Lynette of course is not shamed: her cause was noble! She was just trying to rebuild Parker's "shattered self-esteem"! Tom, unable to resist a little I Told You So, says how things would have been so much better if Lynette had just let Parker leave the team like he wanted to. Remember that part? Lynette: "Well excuse me for not wanting my son to be a quitter!" Lynette doesn't actually have a great sense of priorities: quitting little league isn't nearly as bad as getting kicked off little league because your mother has no confidence in you. What is Lynette's hang-up with "quitting"? It's confusing. But then Tom puts it together: Lynette's obsession with Parker quitting is clearly really about her rage over Tom being a quitter! Subconsciouses are complicated. They scream that she just won't let him live his dreams, and how she too has a dream, and that's "keeping this house." Just then Parker walks in, all suited up for baseball practice, and asks them what they're fighting about. Lynette tries to spin their rage at each other as "excitement" over the fact that they've decided that Parker no longer has to play baseball. But, ironically enough, thanks to Parker's one hit, the kid is now totally thrilled and excited about baseball. He races outside, yelling at his parents to come help him practice. Tom, brushing past Lynette: "So what's on the of your parenting handbook?" Exactly.
Back at the Cabin of Unfortunate Lack of Chemistry. Susan is cramming her stuff into the trunk of the car and frantically scolding Ian to hurry. Ian mumbles something British about gas valves and raccoons and doors that need to be locked. Susan, near tears: "I bet you'd move faster if Jane were awake." He glares at her, stung.
Contrast-cut to Edie, in bed with Mike. She's showing him a book of photos. "Here's the picture you took of me in my bikini at that pool party. You could have warned me I was showing a little nip!" Ha ha. Nipples, like crabs, are funny. Edie points to a photo of Susan and tests the waters by asking him if he remembers her. Mike Frankengroans that he remembers Susan, and that she's "pretty." Edie: "Yeah, she is. Sort of. In this picture. Is there a date on this thing?" Also ha! Mike: "The nurses said that she visited me a lot. We were close, huh?" And like Parker diving on Nicky's fifty-dollar soft pitch, Edie starts swinging. She passionately tells Mike all about how Susan "slept with other guys," and then she reminds Mike how he dumped her "twice." Which is actually all true. Mike, looking confused, wonders why Susan kept coming by the hospital, considering their history. Edie says that Susan's now a "bit of a stalker" and that Edie was worried that Susan was going to "disconnect one of [Mike's] tubes or something." And then the final blow. Edie: "But don't worry. She's glommed onto some new guy and she's up at the mountains at his place with him right now." Edie rubs Mike's hand. Mike, all spaced out, says, "[Susan] told the nurses that she really loved me." Edie: "That's the one thing about Susan that you can never forget: she is a liar." Huh, I guess Edie still doesn't feel even with Susan for sleeping with Karl, even after burning Susan's house down. The camera pulls back to reveal...
...Orson, watching Mike and Edie through the hospital room's window. The "Ominous Oboe" swells. Mike's doctor appears and tells Orson not to be surprised if Mike fails to recognize him when he goes inside, what with his "significant memory loss." Orson smiles. Doctor: "Sure you don't want to go in? Miss Britt's here all the time, she won't mind." Orson, menacingly: "No, I've waited this long, I can wait a bit longer." Hm, if Orson still has it in for Mike, why did he wait until he woke up to bump him off? It seems like Mike would be pretty helpless lying there in a coma. Maybe Orson has a car fetish and can only kill people by turning them into speed bumps? Somehow that wouldn't be a surprise.
Casa Mr. and Mrs. I Hate You, I Hate You, Too. Carlos comes home, his arms stuffed full of groceries. His key no longer works. Gabby has changed the locks. He pounds on the door, but there's no answer, so he heads over to the window and spies Gabby sitting in the living room with her heels kicked up, sipping on what appears to be an iced coffee. Gabby is still wearing her slutty coral snake top, so it's either the same day, or she has yet to change after a full night stripping at The Fairview Full-view. Carlos yells through the window that his key isn't working. Gabby, like a kindergarten teacher to small child: "That's probably because I had the locks changed." Carlos puts down his groceries and picks up a patio chair and poises himself to throw it right through the window. Gabby casually picks up the phone and walks away from the window. She dials 911 to report an "intruder"; behind her the chair blasts through the window. Gabby: "Can you tell them to come armed? [And then, in a conspiratorial whisper] I think he's Mexican." Whee!
Cut to Carlos in cuffs, trying to explain to two cops about how he actually owns the house, and that he and Gabby are married. Gabby confesses that they actually are married, but they're going through a messy divorce. Gabby: "And everyone knows, the wife keeps the house and the husband gets the crappy apartment. It's the American way!" The two policemen exchange glances. Carlos screeches that Gabby's just trying to punish him. Cop One to Carlos, sympathetically: "I hear that. You believe the stuff my wife pulled when we split." The cop unlocks Carlos's cuffs, and Gabby gets all bent out of shape about how cops aren't allowed to "take sides." To underline her pique, she lightly hits the cop on the arm, which the cop chooses to interpret as assault. Gabby tries to explain to the other cop that it was just a "swat," and to illustrate, she hits him, too. Gabby is an idiot. Calling 911 for her own peevish purposes? Touching a policeman? Idiot.
Cut to the two cops bodily lifting Gabby, feet first, into the back of the police car while she screams "police brutality!" Carlos sips her iced coffee in the background.
Lynette is over at Parker's coach's house, trying to convince him that he shouldn't boot Parker from the team just because of her insanely inappropriate behavior. All Lynette wants is one more game, just long enough for Parker to see that he's a failure and quit the team on his own! Coach says something suggestive about how the team needs new "batting helmets," and Lynette reaches for her checkbook.
Bree surprises Dr. Keck's wife, Vera, by arriving on her doorstep with a basket of "shortbread biscuits." And that's not all she's brought!
Cut to Vera looking profoundly shocked, with Bree sitting on the couch across from her. So I guess Bree opted to tell the wife about Doctor NAMBLA's dalliance with Andrew after all. Bree tries to comfort Vera by confessing that the news wasn't easy for her to hear, either. Vera, with ominous restraint, asks Bree why she felt the need to tell her about this whole thing? Bree says something about how knowledge is power or whatever, but unfortunately it turns out that Vera -- who has always known that the Doctor had some very special patients -- was infinitely happier not knowing any details. Bree sincerely apologizes, explaining that if the cheating husband were on the other foot, she would have wanted to know about it. Well then, the timing on this one couldn't be better for Vera, because it turns out that she has a little news about the Van de Hodge family that perhaps Bree would enjoy learning: "Danielle is sleeping with her history teacher." Wow, Danielle sure got over Matthew pretty quickly. Ah, teen love. Vera, with honey-dipped sarcasm: "But where are my manners. I should have brought some biscuits with that." Oh, I like Vera.
Back to the tainted baseball diamond. Parker is once again at bat. Tom and Lynette are in the stands, having a cute heart-to-heart about how she doesn't actually think of him as a quitter, thought she'll admit that she does resent him, just a touch, because he gets to pursue his still-ominously-undefined dreams while Lynette is stuck supporting the family. What about her dreams? You know, Lynette might want to "write a book or start a magazine" someday. Modern Bribe, maybe? Bad Mommy? Tom nobly volunteers to take that crappy PR job Lynette's been pushing on him, but she tells him to stick to his dreams. They kiss. And just then? Parker hits one deep into outer field, all on his own, without Lynette paying anyone to do anything to make it happen. Imagine that! As Parker rounds the bases, Lynette whines that he's never going to quit baseball now. Wow, could she be a shittier mom? "Luckily" Parker trips on his way into home and hurts his ankle.
Later, in the car, Tom and Lynette proclaim the injury a "bad sprain," and announce it's severe enough to keep Parker off the field for the rest of the season. Tom and Lynette surreptitiously exchange a low-five.
Down at lock-up. Gabby sits on a chair, looking dejected forlorn. Carlos strolls in, looking boyishly gleeful and dashing, his Wooly-Willy mustache and beard looking luxuriously and impossibly thick. He's there to bail her out.
Later, while driving Gabby home, Carlos tries to get Gabby to agree that the "hour" she spent in jail was "funny," but she's too deep into her sulk to get in on the joke. He scolds her to just get over it already, and then he voices what everyone on the boards has been saying for months: "You know as well as I do we're going to end up back together." Unfortunately, Gabby does not think the idea of being reunited feels so good. No, not at all. Gabby tells him straight up that she doesn't love him, and she hasn't "for a very long time." Really? I find that hard to believe. Perhaps she's just swimming in denial. Either that, or bad writing. Or both! Anyway, Carlos doesn't believe her, either; he thinks that she's "just trying to hurt [him]." Oh, says Gabby, if that were all she was up to, she would told him all about how she slept with John the Gardener. Carlos gives her the hairy eyeball for seven million beats, then he abruptly pulls over and physically removes Gabby from the car and leaves her by the side of the road. In the middle of some forest-y looking part of Fairview. I guess Gabby's in for her own stint at drama camp!
House of Inappropriate Sexual Liaisons. Bree is upstairs screaming at Danielle about sleeping with her teacher, a thirty-five-year-old man. Danielle: "Robert says age is just a number!" That is pretty gross. Downstairs, Andrew is reading a muscle-car magazine and chuckling over the battle raging above him. Danielle busts out with the classic "I love him and he loves me," and she slams out the front door. Bree collapses onto the stairs, and Andrew gets up and comes over to her. Bree sighs that she's "so tired of feeling like the worst mother who ever lived." Andrew: "You're not...there's grandma!" She says something about how she tried to provide a good example for her kids, tried to demonstrate the difference "between right and wrong." And yet...if that were true, she really should have turned Andrew in when he ran over Mrs. Solis, right? Way to live by example, Bree! Andrew, who's being uncharacteristically nice in this scene, explains that he and his sister know the difference between the dark side of the force and the light side, they just seem to keep choosing the dark. Bree is confused. Andrew explains to the universal truth about kids: the more you push them to be one way, the sexier and awesomer the other way seems to them. Bree, laughing tiredly: "You're awful." Andrew: "I know. I blame shoddy parenting." Funny! And also awww! She puts her arm around him, and warmly, lovingly tells him that vis-Ã -vis his stint as a not-so-happy hooker, well, there's "nothing [he] can't tell [her]." Andrew looks surprised and moved. Oh man, double awwww. And three sniffs!
Ugh, back to Susan and Ian. Really? Do we have to? Okay, they pull up in the hospital parking lot, and Susan springs from the car, yelling out to Ian that she'll pick up her bags later. He springs from the car, and they do some yelling back and forth in the parking lot that it's really not his fault she was gone when Mike woke up, how she does think it's fault, and she blames his cuteness, and his persuasiveness, and his being so attractively "English." Anyway, Susan wishes the whole sexing thing never happened! Wait, does this mean they're not going to Paris? Ian does a whole impassioned speech that Susan's the "best thing to have happened to [him] in years!" Considering he's been wallowing in the coma ward for the last three years, that's not saying a whole lot. It's like, "Mmmm, this cake tastes so much better than feces!" Susan explains without really explaining, "It's Mike, it's My Mike." And Ian looks at her all emotionally then tells her to run to him. And the "Are You Crying Yet? How About Now?" music swells, but since these two together as a couple still makes me cringe, it's lost on me.
Inside, Susan runs up the hallway. Uh oh, here we go. She scuttles over to Mike and kisses him and tells him how much she's "kicking" herself for not being there when he woke up. Yeah, Mike asks, where was she? Her smiley face falters, and she says, "I was...in the country. But I'm back now!" He gives her a dismissive Frankenstein "okay." Susan, noticing that he's not thrilled to see her, asks, "Is something wrong?" He confesses that he doesn't even remember her, then he dismisses her, claiming fatigue. Susan, clearly thrown, smoothes his sheets and then tells him that she'll be back tomorrow. Mike: "I'd rather you didn't." He says something vague about "therapy," and "maybe week." Susan is sad. Very, very sad. And ooooh, that Edie is good!
Trot out the MAVO! As you'll recall, this week's theme is "rewriting history": As Susan leaves the Mike's room, behind her we see Edie slithering in to Mike's room. up is Andrew, standing around on Wisteria Lane, surrounded by a pod of teenaged boys and telling them all how "drama camp was awesome...we're talking zero supervision." Gabby's divorce lawyer, on the phone, tells Carlos's lawyer that he can have the family photo albums because they "hold no sentimental value for Gabby," while Gabby sits to the lawyer looking like a fragile little liar. Lynette explains to a pod of mommies, also standing around on Wisteria Lane, that the bribery rumors about Parker are totally not true! He quit baseball due to his terrible injury! Vera pours coffee for some friends and tells them that Dr. Keck is "working late again"...in bed. And then back to Edie. Mike asks her whether he was "ever in love with Susan?" And Edie, looking deep into Mike's eyes and rubbing his shoulder, tells him, "I don't. I really, really don't." C-cold-hearted s-snake!
So what's that: one Paula Abdul reference, one Johnny Hates Jazz, one Peaches & Herb, a Police, and two Van Halens? That's the sign of a pretty okay episode in my book. Of Love!