By Evany
Welcome to Season 3, everybody. As you recall, when last we saw our housewives, Gabby gave Carlos the boot after discovering that he was cheating on her with the maid/surrogate; Tom's lovechild has moved to town with her fantastically annoying mother; Orson ran over Mike and brought Bree flowers. And away we go! After an Orson flashback (in which all signs point to his murdering his wife), we get a brief, rain-sodden montage of the day after the Season 2 finale (Gabby meets with a divorce lawyer, Bree and Orson french, etc.). Okay, then we leap six months forward. Xiao Mei the Money is now showing in a big, about-to-have-a-baby way, and Gabby is reluctantly taking care of her. The two bicker, Gabby threatens to have Money sent back to China just as soon as the baby is born, and Xiao Mei runs away. Edie spends the entirety of the episode struggling to sell the Young house in the face of rumors that it's the (alleged) scene of a murder and finger-mutilation (CreePaul is reportedly in jail). She also discovers Xiao Mei gobbling sandwiches in an empty closet (what?) and returns her to Gabby. Tom is bonding with his lovechild, Kayla, but the girl's horrible mother keeps coming over to the house, too, which makes Lynette crabby. Susan is spending all her time down at the hospital, hanging out with Mike, who is in a coma. Also pining away in the coma ward is Ian, whose wife has been unconscious for the past three years. Ian and Susan strike up a friendship over a coffee montage, which culminates in Ian asking Susan for a date. After a heartfelt scene between Susan and catatonic Mike (in which she confesses that she's lonely and then yells at Mike to "wake up!"), Susan agrees to go to dinner with Ian. Orson proposes to Bree and she accepts. At lunch with the ladies, Bree confesses that she and Orson are waiting until they're married to have sex; Gabby is shocked. But then later Orson starts talking cleaning products and Bree gets all fired up and they go upstairs for some oral pleasuring. Bree experiences some kind of mysterious episode and races off to the doctor. Diagnosis: orgasm. Later, at the engagement party, Roseanne's sister drops by to accuse Orson of bumping off his first wife. It really isn't a Fairview engagement party unless somebody accuses someone of murder, is it?
Hello and welcome back to the show! For those of you who just tuned in, here's where things stand now: Orson the creepy dentist ran over Mike with his gutless red rental car just as the plumber was heading over to Susan's trailer to pop the question. Tom's eleven-year-old lovechild and her fantastically annoying mother, Nora, have moved to town, and Lynette is not at all pleased. And the Gablos has hit the rocks, what with Gaby catching Carlos sexing up their maid and uterus-for-rent, Xiao Mei. Remember?
So is it time for Gablos to start splitting up the CDs, or will this fiery portmanteau find a way to weather this storm? Will Mike live to tell the tale of his high-speed collision with an unassuming rental car? Is Lynette destined to rip Nora's face off with her teeth? Will we ever learn what makes crazy Orson so crazy? And will Marc Cherry find some way to dig himself out the hole that was Season 2? Well pour yourself a frosty glass of rosé and dust off your special Desperate Housewives-watching short-shorts, because the premiere, she is upon us!
After we return from the previouslies, the MAVO flashes us back to "last year," when Orson was still married to a wan, forlorn woman named Alma (played by Valerie Mahaffey, who, at age fifty-three, is looking great). Their house is over on "Lakeview" (ah, but which lake? The one where Betty tried to euthanize her son with drugged ice cream, or the one where CreePaul dumped Deidre's body? The possibilities, when it comes to deathly lakes in Fairview, are endless). MAVO tells us that this particular day "began normally enough." Alma is unpacking the groceries. We see her place a can of organic tomatoes into the one open slot in a ferociously organized cupboard packed with canned vegetables that are all the same size and brand. , we see her delicately sliding a man's coat into the one open slot in the most insanely ordered closet ever. Then she carefully places a perfectly folded towel onto a perfect stack in the linen cupboard, and pats it gently. This deadly tidiness, we learn, is all per Orson's "instructions."
Just before noon, Alma sits down to sew a button onto Orson's shirt. Her pet parrot, Baby, is out of its cage and standing to her on the table. She coos at the bird, then she looks up at her reflection in a mirror, and the way the parrot's cage is positioned, it looks as though she is behind bars. MAVO: "Something inside Alma broke, and she decided that it was time to fly away." Alma is like a caged bird.
, there's this creepy scene where a terror-stricken Alma de-lints Orson with a lint roller. MAVO tells us that Alma knew she'd better not to say anything about her plans to make a break for it, because Orson thought she was still totally thrilled with the marriage, "and Orson Hodge did not like to be contradicted." Orson turns to let Alma get his front lint, and the abusive husband music swells!
Orson leaves for work. At noon? Who knew the hours were so flexible in the dentistry world? I need to talk to my career counselor about getting in on some of that action. Alma watches Orson's car pull away, and then she wind-sprints upstairs to pack up her stuff. Bags in tow, she grabs Baby's cage and makes a dash for the door, but somehow she trips and the cage tumbles away and the bird flies up to a second-story banister.
Orson pulls up at a stop sign, looks down, and notices Baby birdshit on his sleeve. His face hardens.
Back at home, Alma frantically tries to get Baby to come down: "Mama's in a hurry!" Baby: "Hurry, hurry." Evany: Run, Forrest, run!
Orson's car pulls up out front. Oblivious, Alma keeps on with the bird begging. Then Orson strolls in, and in one short second, he takes in the stricken expression on Alma's face and her packed bags. The bird flies back into its cage, clearly picking up on the sudden air of imminent danger that permeates the room. Orson cocks his head, gives Alma the "tsk" face, and slowly closes the door. And the violins go crazy! Someone, it seems, has been sleeping with the enemy.
The following day, Alma's best friend "Carolyn Bixby" (played by none other than Jackie from Roseanne, a woman with a truly awesome comedic face and timing) stops by the house. MAVO: "And like most nosy neighbors, she knew you learned more if you didn't knock."
On cue, Lakeview's version of Mrs. Huber opens the door and walks in to find Orson, wearing sinister black rubber gloves and mopping down the hardwood floors in the front room. The tableau he cuts is very crime-scene chic. You can see the cogs in Jackie from Roseanne's brain start to whir: why, when Alma does every last ounce of the housework in this home, would Orson ever, ever be mopping? She natters chattily that Alma missed their morning coffee date, and Orson glumly confesses that Alma up and left him last night. Jackie from Roseanne does an awesome job making one word -- "Left?" -- sound like a fully articulated accusation. Orson explains that he and Alma had a "bit of a row" (not the boat kind, but the kind that rhymes with "wow," because Orson is secretly now British). Jackie from Roseanne nods in agreement: she and her husband had indeed overheard some "raised voices" coming from Hodge House. Orson looks more than ready for the conversation to be over, but Jackie from Roseanne keeps prying, asking him where he thinks Alma may have gone. Orson: "I don't know, but I wouldn't worry about it, I'm sure she's fine!" Just then, Jackie from Roseanne notices Baby sitting quietly in the room. Hm, you can see her thinking, Alma would never leave her Baby behind.... On cue, Baby clucks, "Orson, no! Orson, NO!" And suddenly, I'm shivering all up and down my timbers. Do you recall that Baby is in the habit of repeating everything Alma says? Creep City! Jackie from Roseanne looks over at the bird, and for the first time her nosy bravado falters just a bit; maybe she's not entirely safe with this man? Orson uses her momentary faltering to hustle her out the door. Jackie from Roseanne nods a puzzled, prim goodbye through the crack of the shutting door.
The thing we see is Orson dropping the empty birdcage to the trash out in front of the house. The bird is gone -- gone before I could even work in a "nobody puts Baby in the corner." R.I.P., Baby.
Six Months Ago. It's the day after the night of the Season 2 finale, about six months after the parrot extermination scene. All the springing forward and falling back is a little confusing here in the beginning, but just try to stay focused.
Unusually enough for this...Florida? California?...town, the weather is gloomy. It's raining, it's pouring. MAVO gives the rundown on what all the Housies are up to today. Bree and Orson are on their first date; you may recall that one of the last things we saw was Orson giving Bree a bouquet of flowers, after helping her escape the mental ward (where Orson was visiting a mysterious woman, not wife Alma). As I said, timing-wise, this day falls about six months after Baby bird's swan song, so I guess we know one more thing about Orson: he moves fast, like a cheetah. Then again, Bree started dating George, what, a month after Rex's death? So they have that in common, which is nice. Bree and Orson are soaking wet, running up Wisteria Lane. Orson stops and turns and gathers Bree in his arms, and they have themselves a vertical From Here To Eternity moment.
Meanwhile, Gabby is talking to a divorce lawyer, while Xiao Mei nervously serves them tea.
Tom and Lynette are meeting Tom's illegitimate daughter, Kayla, for the first time. Horrible Nora is there, too, and she strips off her raincoat and drops it dismissively in Lynette's direction. Lynette scowls.
In the street behind Lynette, we see Susan burst out of her trailer and run to her car. According to MAVO, Susan has just learned that "Mike Delfino has been badly injured in a hit-and-run accident and was now in a coma at Fairview Hospital." Lucky for Mike, that particular hospital has played host to at least one miraculous coma rebound, so perhaps he's in good hands.
Over at the Young house, Edie is standing out in the pouring rain, putting a "For Sale" sign out on the lawn. When last we saw her, Edie was immobilized in the hospital with a huge bee-stung head. Kudos on the preternaturally swift healing, Edie! MAVO: "Edie had planned to spruce up the property by washing down the driveway, but she was pleased to see the rain had already taken care of that." Edie very sexily walks across the lawn -- seriously, is she wearing anything under that raincoat? -- and looks down at the driveway meaningfully. Why? What needed cleaning? I thought all of Felicia's blood was limited to the kitchen and the garage? MAVO: "This is what rainy days are good for; they make everything clean again, which is necessary on a street like Wisteria Lane, where everything can get so messy." No kidding. So far there've been four -- no five -- deaths (Mary Alice, Mrs. Huber, PI Ironside, Rex, Matthew), two acts of arson (Edie's house, Susan's house), a hit-and-run (Mrs. Solis), a kidnapping (of Susan by Zana), an assault (on Felicia by Zana), statutory rapes (Gabby and John the Gardener, Hempy and Andrew), and two bloody fingers (Felicia's...though that was self-inflicted).
Today. As in six months after the big rainstorm. It's raining again, or maybe it never stopped? Edie's having an open house at the still-for-sale Young house. Mrs. McCluskey, to a prospective buyer: "The police found her severed fingers in the garage. And they never found Felicia's body. I wouldn't be surprised if someday you opened a cabinet at...HELLO!" Edie swoops in and gushes that Mrs. McCluskey simply must come see the "marble backsplash," and then yanks the old woman off to the side. Edie, whispering: "What are you trying to do to me, you back-stabbing cow?" Mrs. McCluskey says that they were just talking about how CreePaul is selling the house because he's in jail, and the conversation just "flowed" from there. Edie tries to manhandle her out the door, but Mrs. McC makes a lunging dodge for the free sandwiches. "Those are for potential buyers," Edie scolds, "you withered old mooch!" "Withered mooch"! Mrs. McC scoffs at the idea of potential buyers: "Maybe you'd have an easier time with the Applewhites' house with that 'rec room' in the basement." These ladies have good zing together. It's enough to make me want to change into my "hee" tee!
Casa One-Too-Many Mommies. The house is covered in red and green, like Christmas just exploded all over their living room. Lynette is wearing a red velvet jacket (nice) and Tom is in a tie. Nora and the illegitimate Kayla are there, too. And the entire Scavo brood is lined up on the couch, wearing wintry dress-up clothes. Hey, look! Penny finally, finally made the leap from endless baby to tot! So that's one thing I can cross off my list of Desperate concerns: "Penny = a little person?" Tom whispers his thanks to Lynette for being so understanding, acknowledging that it's maybe a little weird for her to have her husband's lovechild included in the family Christmas card. Lynette kisses him reassuringly and goes over to the camera to work on the focus.
While Lynette is peering through the viewfinder, Nora sits down on the arm of the couch. She's wearing a saucy Santa hat; clearly, she expects to be included in the photo. Wow, everyone on the Holiday Greetings list is going to think Tom and Lynette have suddenly turned polyamorous. Lynette pulls Tom aside to "adjust his tie" again, and then hisses at him that he has to get Nora out of the picture -- both literally and figuratively. Tom whines that Nora sat down so fast, he didn't know what to say. Lynette: "How 'bout 'You're in the frame, bitch. Move.'" Because what illegitimate daughter doesn't love to hear her mother referred to as "bitch" by her newly discovered biodad? Lynette and Tom proceed to have one of their super-loud "secret" conferences, Lynette screaming because Nora's over for dinner three nights a week, and now with the Christmas-card thing, it's all too much! And really, I think Lynette is right on this one: Nora, it seems, has some troubles with boundaries.
Just then, Nora herself moseys up and says, in a weird robotic baby voice, "Don't fight! It's the holidays!" Lynette sighs and then sternly explains to Nora that she would "prefer" it if Nora weren't in her family photo. Nora's expression sours, and she turns to daughter Kayla and says, "Honey, we gotta go. They're kicking us out." Ugh, she's awful. Tom tries to stop them from leaving, explaining that Kayla is actually still welcome to stay. Nora: "If I'm not your family, then she's not your family." Double ugh. Way to put your child's best interests first, lady. Kayla -- who is wearing a very cute velvet dress and a ribbon in her hair -- sincerely tells Tom and Lynette that it's fine if she's not in the picture; she doesn't mind. Lynette's heart breaks just a bit, and she caves. So okay, everyone's in the picture! Really, what's the problem? Can't they just Photoshop Nora out later? And that's exactly what Lynette whisper-suggests to Tom as they're setting up for the Full Family shot: "Put Crazy at the end and we'll crop her out later." Should I be worried that I'm beginning to think like Lynette? But Nora's wind is up, and as the camera timer's about to go off, she says, "I think this is a little stiff...I have a really fun idea." And then she leaps across the couch, spreading herself over the laps of all four Scavo children, Playboy bunny-style. The camera snaps just in time to capture Lynette's horrified expression. Okay then, can't they just retake the shot? Apparently, they cannot; the Scavos are stuck with this single, one shot. Merry Christmas!
[Meta report: At this point in the recap, I've decided to take the advice of fellow recappers Sobell, Keckler, and AB Chao, whom I had dinner with over the summer (yes, they are all as pretty as they sound). I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine, because apparently recaps, like late-night phone calls, go better with alcohol. You shall see!]
Casa "Hell is Other People's Children." Gabby, looking a little shopworn, brings a food tray to Xiao Mei the Money, who is lying in the master bed and looking very, very pregnant. Money is cranky that her lunch (soup and a pickle) includes no crackers. Gabby apologizes, saying that it's all they have. Money snidely asks, "Ever heard of a store?" and then she throws her pickle onto the floor. Gaby does some squawking that Money had better come and pick up the pickle (which sounds titillating but is not), until Money not-so-sweetly reminds her that picking up pickles isn't good for the baby. Money sure has acquired some unpleasant characteristics. I guess living with Gabby can do that to a girl. Gabby, chastened, turns to leave, but Money calls her back and demands that Gabby rub her feet. Gabby: "Cut it out, Xiao Mei, the doctor didn't say anything about rubbing your chubby stumps." By the way, if I ever get married, I want "rubbing your chubby stumps" to be part of my vows. Gabby points out that Money could have it worse: she could be staying with Mr. Solis in a "dingy, one-bedroom apartment," with "no air conditioning and no cable." And yet didn't Gabby forbid Money from going off with Carlos? Money: "You are meanest person I know!" Gabby: "I am THE meanest person. You've been in this country a year. Modify your nouns, dammit." Money, deliberately: "What a bitch." Looks like somebody's been listening to Top Chef Dave Martin. The "girl fight" music swells, and Gabby tirades that the second that baby's born, she's going to put Money on the "first plane back to Shanghai, and [Money's] going to going to be on all fours in a rice paddy before the epidural wears off." These two sure are fun. It's like a winsome girlish sleepover, only with threats and racial slurs. Money whines that Gabby promised to help her "start a new life" working at a restaurant in Chinatown. Fairview has a Chinatown? Gabby: "Tell that to my Chinese friend, Sue Me." Somehow I don't think it's altogether wise of Gabby to remove Money's one incentive for sticking around?
[Meta report: The kind of chardonnay you find at the bottom of the refrigerator, the remnant of some long-ago party? Doesn't actually taste so great. Ice cubes. I'm adding ice cubes.]
Down at the coma ward, Susan is shaving off Mike's round-the-clock shadow. So far, she's managed to nick him in four places. Of course. You know something, I think Teri Hatcher has gained some weight over the summer; she actually looks pretty good! That makes me very happy. A doctor comes in and reports that the results of Mike's latest MRI are unchanged. Susan brightly asks how soon it's going to be until the MRI. The doctor kindly tries to temper her optimism, but she's convinced that he's coming back to her, and cites a coma patient in Peru who came back after ten years of unconsciousness; Mike's only been down six months.
Bree and Orson are at home, finishing up a risotto dinner. Orson retrieves a pink pastry box from the kitchen: it contains a little tartlet and a little cake that looks an awful lot like a Tiffany box. Bree, who is too full for dessert, tries to balk. Orson: "Here, let me take half." He reaches over and pulls the lid off the box dessert. It's a ring! Bree is shocked. This is so sudden, etcetera. Orson: "I've only known you for six months, but I've loved you every minute of it." Which would be sweet, coming from someone other than a wife-murdering, black-rubber-glove-wearing hit-and-run artist. Bree hesitates: since Rex died, she hasn't been "exactly lucky in love." Orson passionately explains that he too once thought like that: "When Alma left me, I was shattered. But I realize now it was the luckiest day of my life, because I was free when I met you." Bree sits there looking pained for a few moments, and then relents. Oh, Bree. Orson slides the ring onto her finger, and then casually breaks the bow off the top of the box-cake and eats it -- a simple act that he manages to make look wildly sinister.
, MAVO introduces us to Ian Hainsworth: Ian is a very sad man whose wife, Jane, has been in a coma ever since she was in a "tragic horseback-riding accident" three years ago. We get a quickie montage of Ian buying coffee from the hospital vending machine and looking glum. Then we see him run into Susan, and they exchange sad smiles. , we see them hanging out together, sipping coffee. As MAVO coyly points out, "Misery loves company, and Ian was loving this company more and more every day."
In the now. Susan -- wearing a very clingy dress in light blue silk jersey -- is exercising Mike's arm by rotating it in a circle. Suddenly, she gets an itch on her face and uses Mike's hand to scratch it, which...weirdly cute! Ian walks in carrying two cups of coffee and busts her mid-"coma patient puppet" act. He holds out one of his cups and invites her to come have coffee. Unfortunately, she's late for a lunch with the ladies. At least, she thinks that she's late. Is it 1 PM yet? Just the opportunity Ian was looking for: he busts out a watch, which he has purchased specially for Susan, inspired by her constant need to run out into the hospital hallway to find out what time it is. Incidentally, Ian has a lordly English accent of the kind rarely heard off the Elizabethan stage. (My boyfriend, Marco, was convinced it was a fake, but I thought it sounded too overblown and forced-sounding to actually be fake. And I was right! Actor Dougray Scott was born in Scotland. Whatever that means.) Susan tries to reject the gift as too extravagant, but Ian points out that it's a "Fauxlex." He says something fantastically sincere to the effect that it would make him "happy" if Susan accepted his shitty knockoff watch. So Susan takes it and scampers off to lunch, and Ian watches her go with an "I wonder what color underwear she has on" stare. I can't tell, is he cute? Or super-sleazy? He's like Eric Roberts in that way; they both share that same attractive repulsiveness.
The ladies are all meeting for lunch down at Orson's club, which Bree points out is very "elegant," and it's going to be even better once they finish with all the pesky construction...construction...construction. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but did that reference to the construction site seem too irrelevant to be anything other than a "flag for later"? Bree is wearing a light pink sleeveless sheath dress with ruffles at the neck and sleeve, a long strand of pearls, and white gloves. She looks great, but also mildly insane. Lynette accuses her of dressing like she lives in the "1880s," and all the ladies smile hugely at this hilarious observation. The ladies all prod Bree about why she invited them to lunch, and she keeps insisting that she just wanted everyone together so she could invite them all to a dinner party, which sounds weird, which is why they're not buying it.
Finally, Bree caves and takes off her gloves to show off her rock. The ladies coo on cue. Lynette makes a comment about how quickly things are happening, and Bree beams that she knows, but that it just "feels so right." She gushes about how great Orson is: "Warm, wonderful, generous...." Oh, Bree. Gabby pounces on the "generous" part of the list, and nods knowingly about how clearly that means he's "good in the sack." Bree primly informs her that she and Orson haven't actually had sex. Gabby tosses back her frosty brown Charlie's Angel hair and laughs and laughs, until she realizes that Bree wasn't actually joking. Gabby questions the wisdom of buying the cow so blindly: "You wouldn't buy a car without at least taking it for a little test drive." The boards are afire with talk that this line -- the whole scene, in fact -- is a direct lift from Sex and the City: specifically a scene where Charlotte announces her engagement to Trey MacDougal (who, coincidentally, was also played by Kyle MacLachlan) and then confesses that they're waiting until marriage to have sex. And it's true, the Sex in the City line, delivered by Samantha is: "Honey, before you buy the car you take it for a test drive." And that is indeed very similar to the Gabby line -- almost identical, in fact. Which is pretty embarrassing, especially considering that the audience for both shows has a lot of overlap, so the Desperate writers could have had little hope of getting away with it.
Bree reminds everyone to act surprised at dinner when she and Trey-I-mean-Orson make the announcement. Gabby: "Don't worry, I'm just going to replay the look I had when I found out you hadn't banged him yet." "Banged"? Okay, maybe it's just me, but this scene feel a little awkward? Overly, lazily coarse? Forced? Maybe Marcia, Teri, Felicity, and Eva had a four-way fight right before the cameras started to roll; that would explain the strained undertones. Though I think the writing is weird, too. Which is sad, because typically I really enjoy the full-force lady scenes.
Scavo HQ. Lynette is wearing the same headband from lunch, but a different shirt, so she either changed, or this is an entirely different day and she's replaced her necklace obsession with a scarf fixation. Tom is filling up balloons using a tank of helium in preparation for a birthday party for Parker, to which Lynette has invited the illegitimate daughter Kayla, but not the annoying mother Nora. Tom is worried that Kayla is just going to spill the beans to Nora after the fact, and then Nora is going to "blow a gasket." Lynette gets that arch, angry Lynette look and asks him if he's really more afraid of Nora than he is of his wife. Tom, after one of his funny little "processing" beats, tells Lynette, "You scare the hell out of me, baby." Ha!
Coma Corner. Ian is visiting with his wife. Susan saunters in wearing that same ultra thin-fabric-ed dress she wore to lunch. So this is the same day? Whatever, Susan has two cups in her hands; there's no coffee today, so she got Ian a smoothie. The flavor choices are strawberry or...strawberry. Ian: "Well, I hate strawberry, so I guess I'll have the strawberry." Another ha!
Ian heads into the bathroom to add water to a wilting bouquet of flowers. Susan goes and sits to the bed. In a nice nod to continuity, Susan softly says, "Hi, Jane" -- I don't think someone who hadn't spent the last six months dealing with coma patients would have spoken to the unconscious woman. Ian -- who apparently is not nearly as tactful or sensitive -- yells out to Susan from the bathroom to ask her whether she'd like to go on a date with him. In front of his catatonic wife? Someone who, depending on what you believe, may or may not be able to hear him? That seems...unbelievably callous. Well, there goes any "Ian=nice" momentum they built up in the flashback montage. Susan is so startled he asked her out that she turns around too quickly and manages to spray her strawberry smoothie all over Jane. As Ian keep blithely talking from the bathroom that they could go to a cute little "bistro," Susan frantically tries to mop up the mess with some Kleenex, which doesn't go well. Once she realizes that the project is beyond the powers of tissue, she grabs a blanket and covers up the spill. Aw, there's the spazzy Susan we remember.
Ian comes out of the bathroom, and Susan snaps into a standing position, looking supremely guilty. Ian says something to the effect that he hopes he wasn't too forward (he was), and that maybe she's not quite ready yet, and clearly he's been doing the coma watch longer than she has, but whenever she's ready, all she needs to do is say the word. Susan is too distracted by the smoothie situation to listen with her full attention. She just blurts that she's hungry, and he smiles and says, "Let's go to the blood bank and swipe some sugar cookies." Another funny line! On their way out, Susan stops a nurse and tells her that Jane may need a sponge bath: "She had a little accident." You know, when I heard that Susan was going to have yet another love interest, I was less than thrilled. But I weirdly like her and Ian together. I don't know if I like them as a couple, and I still don't know how I feel about him (other than that he's capable of casually asking out a woman in front of his ill wife?), but at least their dialogue is funny.
And now the inevitable scene in which Nora finds out about the birthday party. The party is in full swing: there are kids running around in birthday cone hats, there's a pony, and a clown, and streamers, and face painting. The cordless phone rings, and Lynette, the little idiot, picks it up. It's Nora! Surprise. And she immediately zeroes in on the sound of screaming children. Still dumb, Lynette tries to shush the party, which of course doesn't work at all. So Lynette scrambles to get inside and away from the noise, but the damage is done. Nora actually heard Lynette's shushing! She icily tells Lynette to let Kayla know that she called, and they hang up. Tom, looking worried, rushes over and asks Lynette whether Nora bought it. Lynette: "No. I think she'll be over here in ten minutes." So, classic Lynette: she decides to move the entire party.
comes a frantic scene where everyone's tearing down streamers and gathering up balloons and presents. Lynette, on the phone: "Hey, Gabby. It's Lynette, got a little emergency over here. Is it okay if we use your back yard? Great, great. And we take complete responsibility for whatever the pony does. I hope you get this message soon." Funny! Meanwhile....
...Edie is giving a tour of the Young house to an older couple who are very concerned about the neighborhood being quiet enough, seeing as they're retired. Edie opens the front door to demonstrate the sedate qualities of Wisteria Lane, and the couple is treated to screaming kids and clowns running up the street. Nice.
The party is all safely relocated over at Gabby's yard when Tom remembers the cake. Lynette blurts out a funny little "gah." She runs back to the house, picks up the cake, and is just about ready to beat a safe retreat when Nora arrives. Lynette panics, puts the cake on the floor, and slides it with her foot into the room. And it really does glide. Lynette makes forced-relaxed chit-chat with Nora, and allllmost has Nora convinced that Tom has taken the kids out for movies and ice cream, but then a kid comes out of the bathroom. He's wearing a party hat and his face is painted up to look like a cat, and he's totally confused: he missed the whole party relocation. So clearly, the jig with Nora is up. But a far sadder story: the poor kid with the sensitive stomach who has to spend fifteen minutes in the bathroom at birthday parties. We all know that kid. That kid's life is not easy. Cut to....
...Nora stalking out the front door. Lynette scampers behind her, apologizing, as Nora scans the street looking for evidence of a party. Just then, she notices one solitary balloon floating up in the sky. It's a red balloon. (A nod to the magical balloon of Le Ballon Rouge, which the school forced us to watch during every rainy-day lunch from Grades 1 to 5?) Nora takes off running, and Lynette follows in hot pursuit. Remember the scene where Edie chased Susan up Wisteria Lane? Just like that. Lynette manages to snake in front of Nora and blocks the gate into Gabby's yard as Nora tries to force her way into Gabby's yard. Nora starts screaming for Kayla, and both the girl and Tom come running out. Nora makes a stink that she's been lied to and then lied to again, and now she and her daughter are Audi 3,000,000. Tom sees the disappointment on his daughter's face (even if Nora can't), and immediately downshifts into groveling, saying how sorry he is, that they shouldn't have lied, how Nora should come back and enjoy some cake. Lynette shoots him a look, and then she takes off walking.
Tom runs after Lynette, and then they dig into one of their awesome scenes. Tom pleads that he's just trying to think of Kayla. Lynette, very emotional in that very emotional way that Lynette does best: "I know you love her. Why else do you think I'm willing to put up with all this for six months? Why do you think I'm willing to say to my college roommates, 'Yes, that's my husband's lovechild and her mother in our Christmas picture'? Because. I am. Your wife. You always come first with me. Do I still come first with you?" Tom stares at her intensely, and then he makes a decision. He spins around and goes back to where Nora and Kayla are standing. "I guess I'll see you later, Nora," he says firmly. Nora, faltering, tells him that she's going to take her daughter. Tom: "Well that's a shame. I've got to go hoist a piñata." Literally! (I never get tired of the "literally." Never.) Kayla, stricken by the news that she's going to miss bashing tissue-covered cardboard until its candy innards explode, pleads with Nora. Nora looks at Kayla, at Tom, at Lynette. And then she blurts out an enraged "FINE! I'll be back at 7. But there had better be a corner piece of cake waiting for me." Well bargained, Nora. Always, always get the cake. Nora turns to leave, and she and Lynette exchange a feisty stare as Nora passes. Tom sends Kayla into the party, and Lynette comes up to Tom and very sincerely thanks him. Tom: "I'll be back in twenty minutes." Lynette: "Are you going to go buy a piñata?" Tom: "I sure am." How did he know that an invented piñata would do the trick? More importantly, how long is this storyline going to linger? Because I'm getting a little overdone with Snora's shrill relationship with the Scavos.
Gabby -- looking very That '70s Show in skin-tight white jeans and a butter yellow cami-and-top combo -- comes into the bedroom carrying a tray. She yells out to Money that lunch is ready, and turns on the TV. She shouts to the MIA Money that her "favorite soap is on; there's a doctor fondling a patient on the operating table." But even with that cheese lining the trap, the mouse still does not come. Gabby runs over to the closet. It's been picked clean!
Over at Carlos's crappy condo, Gabby pulls up in her shiny convertible and screeches to a stop. Carlos is out front, carrying a moving box. Gabby "casually" asks Carlos whether he's seen Money lately? Somewhere? Maybe?
Chinatown. Carlos is scolding Gabs for "losing" the baby. Gabby: "I know exactly where it is. It's inside some crazy Chinese woman." The line is kind of funny? Mildly? But since I've seen it three hundred times in previews, it falls super-flat here.
Orson is washing wine glasses in Bree's sink. He's wearing rubber gloves again, but this pair is a cheerful yellow. Bree is on the phone, telling another friend that they need to act surprised when the engagement gets announced at Saturday's party. Orson teases her gently (and of course creepily) that there's going to be nothing left to announce, what with her telling everyone in advance. Bree asks him why he's rewashing the wine glasses, and he tells her that he spotted some streaks. As he starts telling her about the kind of formulae he likes to use in these situations ("undiluted red wine vinegar"), Bree looks shocked. At first it's not clear if she's mad that he's second-guessing her cleaning powers or what. But then, as he explains what he likes to do with tougher stains ("a fifty-fifty mix of alcohol and water, and for those really...intractable stains, we're talking shower doors, I wipe on lacquer thinner with a towel"), she grabs him and kisses him and drags him upstairs before he even has a chance to turn off the sink faucet. It looks like Orson has found Bree's trigger: cleaning fluids. Wow, just wait until she sees him in his black rubber gloves.
Upstairs, Bree and Orson kiss and make sexy noises. Orson pulls off his rubber gloves with his teeth, and Bree struggles out of her shirt (nice mauve bra!). Orson starts heading down to "Mexico," and Bree taps him on the shoulder and asks him, "Did you lose something?" His head pops back up and he mutters something about how he "just thought..." Then Bree delivers the line that you've seen in the preview five billion times: "I don't do that, I'm a Republican!" Orson: "I'm a Libertarian. I believe in minimizing the role of the state and maximizing individual rights." I've never heard it described in just that way before! Orson proceeds with what we presume is Bree's very first oral examination. Oh god, I can't look. Downstairs, the water starts to fill up the sink. Orgasmic, Bolero-style music swells. Water starts flooding out on the floor. Upstairs, Bree sits up with a gasp: "Oh no!" Orson scurries back up to head level and looks into her mouth, "What? You didn't crack that veneer again, did you?" Bree gasps that she has to leave.
Bree's sitting on an examination table in a hospital emergency room. The doctor examining her is played by a woman I totally recognize, but since she's been in every television show ever created, I can't figure out where I know her from. Bree's describing how she thinks something inside her may have "ruptured." Or maybe it was a "spasm" or even a "small stroke." The doctor starts asks about the severity of the pain, Bree tells her that, oddly enough, it didn't hurt. Finally, the doctor cottons to the truth: "What were you doing at the time?" Bree: "I was with my fiancé. We were...lying down. Resting." The doctor informs Bree that she thinks what happened to her is called an "orgasm." Bree doesn't believe that's the case. You see, she's had orgasms before. The doctor gives her a disbelieving "mm-hmm?" Then she asks Bree to describe these supposed orgasms. Bree: "You know, that warm sensation, that tingling feeling of relief when it's over. This was much--" Doctor: "Better?" Bree, surprised by the dawning truth of it, agrees. Doctor: "That's because it was an orgasm."
Saturday night, the night of the big engagement party. It's raining again (still?). People are laughing, they're admiring Bree's engagement ring, they're drinking champagne.
The doorbell chimes. It's Jackie from Roseanne! Bree -- who is wearing an amazing "Marilyn over the subway grate" dress in perfect teal green -- answers the door with a huge smile on her face. Oh, Bree. (Remember when this show was nothing but "Oh, Susan"? Well, it's the "Oh, Bree" show now!) Jackie from Roseanne walks into the party and announces in a loud, cutting voice that she's "not there to celebrate." Oh boy, here we go. She chides Orson for making such quick work of the new engagement; then she asks if Bree, by any chance, knows that she's marrying a man who murdered his wife? Orson, skittishly: "MY WIFE LEFT ME!" Jackie from Roseanne, quiet now that the room is hooked on her every word: "And no one ever heard from her again -- not her friends, not her family. Just dropped off the face of the earth." And the "he totally did it" music swells! Jackie from Roseanne tells Bree to "get away from [Orson] while [she] still can." Always the loyal one, Bree marches over and commands Jackie from Roseanne to leave. Jackie from Roseanne screws her face up into a shrewish pucker: "Fine, be a fool. Just don't be surprised when you go missing, too." Jackie from Roseanne takes her leave, her work here done.
Bree shuts the door behind Jackie from Roseanne, and then, looking at no one, she turns and heads straight into the...den? Orson follows her and immediately starts apologizing for her having to go through that little scene. Bree looks crushed and confused. Orson steps closer to her (run, Forrest!), and whispers that he did try to find his wife, but that her family "claimed" not to have heard from her: "Personally, I think she was just trying to punish me." Bree, struggling to catch up, asks him if he's still married. Actually, no, he got a divorce based on "grounds of abandonment." Phew. He takes Bree's hand, and sincerely (but still creepily) does the whole "you can't possibly think..." number. Bree immediately puts his fears to rest. Of course, she still loves him. Boy, after that whole George saga, you'd think she'd be less trusting. But okay, she still loves him. She and Orson look into each other's eyes, and she's tearing up just a bit. From the emotions? No, because Orson is squeezing her hand in a painful vise grip. Once she points that out, he immediately lets go. But still not the most encouraging sign, that fact that he's capable of unconsciously hurting her. And then there's the whole "murderer" thing.
Bree heads back in to the party and stoically announces that the "buffet is open." Susan tries to come up to her and comfort her, but Bree holds up an hand, and in that one gesture, you can see that if anyone says anything sympathetic to her, or tries to make her feel better, she's going to crumble. So Susan keeps her distance, and the party grinds back into gear. Okay, so I have a few thoughts about all this:
Thought #1: Somehow this all feels so familiar. Didn't Felicia use the party for Edie and Karl's (doomed) engagement to make her big public pronouncement that CreePaul killed her sister (remember? In a supreme act of weirdness, she wrapped up Mrs. Huber's dentures as a gift for Edie?). And then there was the woman who came and warned Bree about George. This seems to be a well the writers on this show like to dip into pretty frequently: "the woman who overshares."
Thought #2: One (or as I like to say, "Juan") wonders why Jackie from Roseanne didn't phone the police back when Alma first went missing, what with all those compelling clues like the parroting parrot, and the crime-scene clean-up, and the fight Jackie from Roseanne and her husband overheard. Though maybe that all relies too heavily on circumstantial evidence?
Thought #3: You know, doesn't Orson seem a little too guilty? In Televisionese, someone who appears as 100% guilty, as Orson does is, by definition, innocent.
Thought #4: And yet, Orson may not have actually killed his wife, but as Mike and Baby well know, he's very big on silence. So either way you slice it, Jackie from Roseanne had still better watch her back, and probably her front.
And finally, Thought #5: Boy, Bree just keeps running down the field and Lucy keeps yoinking the football at the last minute. I wonder how long it'll be before Bree's lying on her back again, with sucker stars circling over her head?
[Final meta update: I just finished my second glass of wine, and I don't feel the alcohol at all. In fact, the only thing I feel is sort of bored, which is strange, because alcohol doesn't typically do that to me. Oh wait. Yeah, even with orgasms and the racial slurs and the murder accusations, this premiere still isn't quite the thrill-coaster I was hoping for.]
Which brings us to the MAVO montage! Back at the party, the guests have all left and the food is picked over. Bree, looking fantastically depressed, walks out into the pouring rain with a bag full of party trash. MAVO: "Every storm brings with it hope that somehow, by morning, everything will be made clean again, and even the most troubling stains will have disappeared. Like the doubts over his innocence." Bree stands there by the trash cans, in her bedraggled party dress, the rain pouring down, while Orson watches her from the house. MAVO continues: "Or the consequence of his mistake." Lynette comes home to find Tom and Kayla playing a card game on the floor. Lynette smiles at them and they wave back, but as she turns to close the door, you can tells she's struggling with things. MAVO: "Like the scars of his betrayal." Gabby comes home, and Money is sitting there, snacking on a carton of something. MAVO: "Or the memory of his kiss." Susan comes home and sits down in front of a framed photo of her with Mike, staring at it glumly. MAVO: "So we wait for the storm to pass, hoping for the best." There's Bree, still standing there in the rain. Behind her you can see Orson heading back inside. MAVO: "Even though we know, in our hearts, some stains are so indelible," the camera pans in on that ominous construction site down at Orson's club, "nothing can wash them away." We close in on a stretch of exposed earth, the music shrieks, and then there it is: a human hand! And, since it's still pretty fleshed out, it's probably not Alma! (Unless Orson kept her iced for the past six months.)