Andrew is not happy to find out that Sam is his half-brother. Orson questions why Bree is so eager to welcome Sam the Robo into the Van de Kamp fold. Sam, of course, is bad news. Danielle comes home to meet him and, after an awkward family dinner, Bree tries to give Sam Rex's guitar. Andrew decides to break it into pieces. Later, he and Orson express suspicion about Sam.
Susan tries to make MJ feel like a winner by selling a bunch of chocolate for his school fundraiser, in the hopes that he'll win a prize. Juanita is competing in the same contest and Susan and Gabby get nasty about it. Susan extorts favors from troubled friends and Gabby sluts it up in front of construction workers. Susan frames Juanita for theft and insubordination in order to slow her down. Gabby kidnaps MJ. Juanita reveals to Susan that she feels pressure from Gabby to make friends. Gabby finds out that Susan lets Juanita win the contest, so she tells MJ that he's a winner.
Lynette catches Irina and Preston sleeping together in her house and freaks out. Preston and Irina decide to get their own apartment. Lynette plays along like she thinks it's a great idea, because she imagines the rigors of living in an apartment will tear them apart. Instead, Preston decides to bypass college and get a blue-collar job. BLUE. COLLAR. Also, Irina decides that she and Preston will get married in a week, instead of six months in the future.
Katherine feels apprehensive about letting people know that she has a girlfriend. At the party to celebrate Mrs. McClusky's cancer free-ness, Katherine comes out -- by having an argument with Robin in front of an opened window. She decides that she can't take the glare of prying eyes, so she and Robin go away to Paris together to figure out what they have together.
Nick is still pissed that Angie told her mother about Patrick. She assures him that everything will be fine. Patrick (the awesome John Barrowman) gets information about Angie's whereabouts from her neighbor, then kills said neighbor. Later, he stakes out Nick.
As we look at a bookcase loaded with a few books but mostly pictures of Bree and her family, Mary Alice tells us that photos can be deceiving (like how Andrew has a barely beard to make him look older). Bree's pic is hiding disappointment, Andrew's rage, Danielle's unladylike behavior. And, the family photo with Rex hid that he had another kid. Andrew is holding the picture of Rex and the young Sam. He is sitting across from Sam and Bree in the living room of Bree's home. Andrew can't believe that Sam is his brother ("half-brother, to be precise," responds Sam. Yeah, let's get semantic now) and we see Orson looking on in his chair in the background. Bree agrees that it's shocking but says that he shouldn't be angry with Sam. Andrew notices her touch Sam's shoulder and says that he's not angry, but needs some time alone. As he's walking away, he tells Sam that he'll hug him later. Bree says that it went better than she expected. She tells Sam that Danielle is coming later and she and Sam will get on well. Orson asks Sam to lock up the test kitchen. Alone with Bree, he asks her why she's so excited by the arrival of Sam. She says that she's ashamed because Rex kept Sam in the shadows. She's going to treat him like a Van de Kamp. Mary Alice says that photos (like certain members of the family, are not to be trusted) and we see Sam listening to Bree's spiel from around the corner. He smiles like he's up to no good.
Mary Alice, still tethered to earthly civic duties, tells us that the Oak Ridge private school ("Private School" isn't in the name, is it? That would be a little bougie, though I wouldn't put it past them) has a candy selling fundraiser and whichever student sells the most candy wins a prize. Of course, for someone to win, someone has to lose. We see MJ sitting forlornly on a bench in the hallway of the school as kids with boxes of candy are walking by. Susan comes by and asks him if he's picked up his box of candy yet. He hasn't and doesn't think it matters because he never wins anything. Cut to Mike who is stunned that Susan PROMISED MJ he would win the contest (personal experience: this is where the parents pull out their checkbook and buy the candy themselves. Thanks Mom and Dad!). Susan explains that he was about to cry and she wants to raise a child with completely unrealistic expectations of what the world owes him. She says that he sucks at sports, card games, and academics. She thinks that every child should feel good about himself and Mike wouldn't understand because he wins everything (Was his drug addiction and subsequent jail stint a prize? Remind me not to compete for that), however, SHE knows losing. Oh God, says Mike, she's not going to talk about the jumprope contest, is she? She is. She was in the finals of a jumprope contest with Barbara Frisco (Mike mouths her name as Susan says it. He's heard this story so many times!) and Barbara had allergies from dandelion season. She was all watery-eyed and puffy and jumping blind, until her mother gave her an antihistamine, which Susan considers a steroid. Therefore, Barbara was juiced, says Susan as she whinily slams her hand on the kitchen counter. She asks Mike if he'll be supportive and he agrees, with the condition that she never repeat that story.
Preston, his mustache and Irina are naked in bed together when Lynette knocks on the door. She's there to pick up laundry. She mentions that she had already made Irina's bed, but Irina says she took a nap. Then, Lynette notices Preston's pants on the floor. She says she'll see Irina downstairs, then closes the door but stays in the room. Porter immediately steps out of the closet and says how close that was. Lynette reminds him that she and Tom have said that they don't want them sleeping together in their house -- Penny is in the room. Suddenly, Porter bursts in to warn Preston that Lynette is around. He sees his mom then acts like he was just coming in to grab, uh...this little league trophy! Preston bolts down the hallway too. Irina says that Lynette wouldn't have a problem if she liked her, which Lynette tries to deny, but...is actually looking for this little league trophy! She bolts down the hallway of grownups.
Robin and Katherine fall back into bed post-flagrante. They're so glad that they did not nap like Irina. Robin gets up to look out the window and Katherine asks her to close her robe, for fear that if Roy sees her from door, his heart won't be able to take it. She says that Mrs. McClusky was deemed cancer-free and Roy is throwing her a party. Robin's excited for them to go together, but Katherine says she doesn't think they should go "together." Robin wants to know what their status is and Katherine is uneasy about putting a label on it. She says she really likes Robin, but doesn't want to move faster. Robin gently reminds her that she's the one who suggested they not nap and she was right about that.
Susan, Bree and Lynette are playing cards when Gabby bursts in with Juanita in tow. She tells Juanita to "hit it" and Juanita starts giving a stilted reading of a sales pitch. She's selling candy. Oh, no she didn't. Her pitch includes that she's selling candy so she doesn't end up on the streets, which I think is a nice touch. Bree and Lynette both agree to buy a bar and Gabby reminds them that she bought tons of crap from their kids, so they're going to have to do better than one bar. Susan gets looks from Bree and Lynette, so she tells Juanita to go play with MJ. Then, she explains to Gabby that the girls have already agreed to buy bars from MJ. Gabby says that they can buy from Juanita too. Susan goes further and says that MJ is having self-esteem issues and needs to win the contest. Gabby understands but does not care. Juanita doesn't have friends and needs the prize, which is a party. It'll help her fit in. Neither back down. Bree wonders what they should do and Lynette points out that if they buy the same amount of bars from each of them, it'll be a wash. Why buy any at all? Gabby and Susan do not appear to buy into this idea. Bree and Lynette both reach for their wallets.
It's a party at Mrs. McClusky's. Gabby tells Karen that she was shocked to hear that Karen had lung cancer. She didn't know that she smoked. She never did, replies Karen. You don't have to be a smoker to get lung cancer. Roy tells Gabby that it could happen to her. Nice. Carlos proposes getting a drink, since they're apparently dying anyway. Katherine and Robin enter and Katherine reminds her that they're not a couple. Robin says she knows that they're on a "covert lesbian mission." Katherine just doesn't want to freak everyone out. Robin reminds her that she stabbed herself and blamed Mike -- being a lady lover isn't the same level of mind-blowing. They bump into Tom who says that this is the best cancer party ever. He says that he was talking to Karen's doctor and Katherine apparently made quite the impression. The doctor likes her! Katherine agrees to speak with him.
Gabby catches Susan "Willy Wonka" Delfino selling candy and tells her that doing so at an "I Survived Cancer" party is tacky. Susan explains that the antioxidants in chocolate fight disease. We all should remember that. Gabby insists that the kids are supposed to be selling the candy, when Lee pops up and shames Gabby for selling Bob candy so close to "Speedo season." This show was created by a gay man and that's what we get? Card revoked.
Robin watches Katherine flirting with the doctor. She interrupts and pulls Katherine outside. They pass Roy and Karen telling Lee a story about a woman who died of lung cancer and was a non-smoker. Roy tells Lee that he could be that girl. Remarkable. Really. Robin confronts Katherine for flirting with the doctor and their argument gets heated. Inside, Roy begins to propose a toast celebrating Karen's recovery. After the toast, Karen asks for a moment of silence, to remember those who didn't make it. This is the point when Katherine and Robin move their argument to the open window. There, Katherine insists loudly that enjoying sex with Robin doesn
't necessarily make her a lesbian. Everyone hears.Bree has made dinner for the family, including Danielle and Sam. She wonders aloud what Rex would think if he saw them all sitting there. "Probably, 'Who's the guy in the wheelchair?'" says Orson. Bree says that Sam got his MBA while working and taking care of his mother. He also worked with the underprivileged. Danielle says that his experience reminds her of her first job. Andrew reminds her that she worked at the mall. Outlet mall, she corrects. She knows what working with the poor is like. They're always late. Bree says they wanted their kids to work with the less fortunate. Andrew jumps in and says they took the opportunity to disappoint her once again (she really did kind of say that). Bree says that Rex loved music and Sam says he plays the guitar. Wait! Rex played guitar! She tells him to wait a second. The thing we see, Sam is playing a classical piece on Rex's guitar. Brilliantly. Bree offers to give the guitar to Sam and Andrew protests. He has been taking lessons. Bree asks for a recital and he tries to stumble through "Jingle Bells." It's awful. Bree stops him and tells him to give Sam the guitar. He refuses. Finally, he breaks the guitar on the mantle. Sam, sounding like a robot, says that his presence has brought unhappiness, so he must retreat to his pod. Bree says that he has acted admirably in the face of rudeness, then looks at Andrew. He reminds her that, though Sam is the perfect son, he isn't hers.
Oh look, it's Angie and Nick. Angie asks him if they're talking yet and he doesn't respond, so she plops a revolver in his lap. She says he might as well shoot her. He's upset that she told her mother about Danny's parentage. She says her mom would never have let him go without the truth. Nick says that he loves Danny and needs to tell him the truth about Patrick being his father, but Angie insists that Nick is the only father Danny needs. Nick tells her to get the gun out of there before someone gets hurt. She clicks the unloaded gun three times and smiles. She says she didn't think he'd shoot her, but she's not stupid.
Angie's mom's neighbor takes a call from a mystery man. He says he wants to drop by for the "information." She agrees and tells him that he'd better bring money lest she suffer from "selective Alzheimer's."
In her car, Susan makes a phone call to a college friend who owes her a favor. She's selling her candy. MJ, in the backseat, points out that Gabby is selling candy to some construction workers. While wearing a tight dress. Susan assures MJ that he's going to win.
Preston and Irina tell Tom and Lynette that they're moving to their own apartment. Lynette says that she thinks it's a great idea. Later, she tells Tom that living in a crappy apartment will tear them apart.
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Gabby confronts Susan, who is selling candy to MJ in a wheelchair. She reminds Gabby that she saw her selling to construction dudes with no bra on. They both insist that the problems of their kids are more important than the other's.
Karen sees Katherine outside and asks her how she is. Humiliated. Karen says that having lesbians steal your thunder at your cancer-free party would be worse. She asks if Katherine likes Robin. She thinks she does. So, why does she care what anyone thinks? Katherine says she just does. Karen says her options are to break up with her or move somewhere where people don't gossip. Karen's hinting that she needs to get the hell of Wisteria Lane. Katherine hugs her to thank her for the advice and Karen puts the brakes on. This is how rumors get started, she jokes.
Irina is making borscht for the fam, when Lynette and Tom arrive. Preston says that they put a deposit on a place. Apparently, they have a huge place. You see, Preston is putting off college and getting a job. He's going to be a gutter at a meatpacking plant and he's getting $14 an hour. Tom is excited by this. Maybe Preston will get discounts on steaks. Lynette is not pleased. Irina says that it's a good job that Preston has. Lynette replies that, maybe in Russia people are happy when their kids gut cows, but not her. I hope meatpackers don't watch this show. Irina says that Preston will support his wife, which is what men do when they love someone. Lynette replies that Preston isn't in love with her. She's Eurotrash and materialistic. This gets Lynette a tureen of borscht in the face as Irina stomps off. Who throws shit on a pregnant lady however shrill? Russia is a scary place.
Nick finds Danny working on a bicycle in their garage. He gives him a beer (illegal, right?). Danny has his first job and will use the bike to get there. It's his first job. Nick can't believe Danny is grown. Danny wants to know why Nick is all pensive. Since he's his dad, he knows that something is up. Nick responds that, yeah, he is his dad, and keeps his mouth shut. Ooh, he was about to tell him that he wasn't his dad.
Patrick, played by John Barrowman, arrives at the neighbor's house. He has brought roses. She tells him what she knows and he gives her money. She says that she likes Rose and wouldn't want anything to happen to Angie. Um, what did she think would happen? So, he stages a break-in and strangles the lady. He's the best part of this episode. More killing!
The day, as Lynette is cleaning borscht off of the kitchen. Irina arrives and says that she wants them to get along. Lynette says that she will fight for Preston's best interests. Oh yeah? Well, Irina says they are getting married in a week. Lynette freaks out and Irina says that she thinks she knows her. With a smile, she gives Lynette a kiss and says, "From one Mrs. Scavo, to another."
Bree shows Sam Rex's old yearbooks. She says that Rex was smart, funny and graceful. Sam asks her what's wrong and she says that she never gets to talk about Rex. She misses him. Sam says she can talk to him. Orson watches them talk. He goes outside to find Andrew. He's embarrassed at how he acted at dinner. He says that he still doesn't trust Sam. Orson doesn't trust him either. He thinks that he's up to something. They need to find out more about him. Andrew agrees to investigate.
Susan asks MJ's teacher about the sales rankings. He's second to Juanita, by two bars of candy. Susan goes back to her class where Juanita is. She plants a cell phone in Juanita's bag and calls it in order to put Juanita in detention, thus keeping her from making a final sales push. Gabby gets a call that Juanita is in detention. So, she kidnaps MJ, luring him with soda. She calls Susan and sends a pic of MJ to the phone. They agree to exchange the children.
Susan and Juanita talk. Juanita says that she wants to win so that Gabby will be proud of her. She thinks Gabby is embarrassed because she doesn't have any friends. Gabby arrives and takes Juanita in a huff. Susan tells MJ that they need to talk about what winning really means.
Robin finds bags packed and Katherine standing by a window. Katherine says that she can't live her life with everyone judging her. She thinks Robin should leave and she'd like to go with her. She wants to figure out what they have together. Robin thinks that Paris is a good place to figure it out.
The winner of the fundraiser is...Juanita! Gabby is thrilled. She asks the teacher if it was close. It was, until the last day, when Juanita sold 40 bars and MJ sold none. Hmm. Gabby finds MJ and says she's sorry that he didn't win. She asks why he didn't sell any candy on the last day. He tells her that it's a secret and his mom told him that it's only a good deed if you don't tell. Gabby gets it. She says that his mom is a winner, just like him.
Mary Alice says there are a lot ways to win. A hasty retreat -- Katherine and Robin piling into a car. Cheating -- Andrew is looking at some file of Sam's. Some opponents are defeated with a smile -- we see Lynette offering cookies to a smiling Irina and Preston. I'm not sure who's winning there. But, Mary Alice says that it's not enough for some that they win. Someone else has to lose. We see Patrick, in his car, watching Danny.
Jeff Long is a writer/actor in Brooklyn. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com
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