A bride is getting dressed for her wedding -- it's Susan! The ceremony apparently goes swimmingly, with all in attendance. Then, halfway down the aisle, the newly re-wed couple is stopped by Katherine, looking disheveled. Cut to earlier, and we see that Mike talked to Katherine, and she accepted things and gave him his engagement ring back. Susan hemmed and hawed over going to see her until her wedding dress was accidentally delivered to Katherine, and Kath tried it on while making a big tomato sauce. Kath finally confronts Susan before the wedding and tells her she needs to apologize during the ceremony, so Susan promptly locks her in the closet. She busts out just in time to greet the recessing couple, and Susan gives a long, heartfelt apology, which Katherine kinda accepts, but then she says she is not Susan's friend any more.
Bree is feeling guilty over cheating on Orson, and wants her indiscretion with Karl to be special, at a fancy hotel. Of course, she knows people at that hotel, so they have to settle for a cheaper motel, which necessitates the two of them going shopping for sheets and flowers. After Orson tells her that, yes, he feels guilty for blackmailing her into staying married, but that guilt is sometimes necessary for happiness, Bree decides not to put off her own little guilt trip any longer, and after the wedding she's undressing Karl in their redecorated hotel room like a shot.
Lynette is depressed over the pregnancy, because if they continue to get pregnant with twins every time one child leaves the house (one of the older twins went to Europe), they'll never be free. After making an expectant mother cry in the waiting room, Lynette and Tom see the sonogram, and Lynette realizes she doesn't love these kids.
Gaby is being stern with the rebellious Ana, keeping her from wearing a skimpy top to school and forbidding the 16-year-old from going to a club opening. Carlos wants her to sign the guardian papers, but Gaby is waiting to see if Ana will straighten up. After Ana goes to the club anyway, and Gaby shows up on stage and blackmails the druggie patrons into giving her up, the two have a long debate over who had a tougher childhood, until Gaby signs the papers and Ana is officially better off than Gaby was.
Lee has gotten his broker's license and taken over all of Edie's old listings, and the first house he sells is Mary Alice's old place, which is still cheap because of her suicide five seasons ago, apparently. The buyers are Angie Bolen (Drea de Matteo, who still has her Sopranos accent), her slightly off husband Nick, and her son Danny, who may be the reason they had to move. Danny's starting college, so he convinces Susan's recently returned daughter Julie to tutor him in math before putting the dating moves on her. His dad warns her off, and Danny doesn't take it well. We get a glimpse of Angie's back, which has a nasty burn scar on it, and then we see a hoodied figure strangle Julie as she's taking out the recycling. She may be dead. The lesson? Don't recycle.
Previously: Five seasons happened, the last one ending on a faux cliffhanger, as Mike got married to someone, but it could have been Katherine or Susan. Also, Carlos's bratty niece moved in with Gaby and Carlos, and Gaby put her foot down. Lynette found out she's pregnant with twins. And Bree is using Karl as her divorce lawyer, and also making out with him.
Now it's wedding day, as Mary Alice tells us about all of the bride's fineries: veil, garter, shoes, because the bride wanted only the best for her wedding day since she was about to marry the best man in the world. We see Susan's face as Mary Alice says, "For the second time." Julie's there, and she asks Susan how she feels. Her response: "Like the worst person in the world," because of Katherine. Julie tells her not to worry about it, but I think if you feel that bad about it, maybe you shouldn't be going through with it. Mike and Susan are pronounced man and wife and Katherine greets them in the aisle, all sexy in a red dress as she snorts, "Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?" I think I love angry Katherine much more than the whiner from last season. Opening title cards.
Eight weeks before the wedding. Mary Alice says it's easy to find sin in the suburbs if you look behind closed doors. You'll find your neighbors cheating on their taxes (Lee), drinking too much vodka (Orson), and stealing their father's magazines (Parker, looking at a nudie mag called "Bare Cheeks"). Mary Alice says some sinners occasionally repent as we zoom in on Karl and Bree kissing in his office. She says they can't go through with this, but he thinks that making love with her divorce lawyer would be a great way to get back at her husband for blackmailing her. He throws her down on the couch, but she says she'd rather not break a commandment on his couch, but somewhere where she can feel special. He concedes she's not the only person he's had sex with there, but she's the only special one. That's not enough for Bree. So Karl says he'll find them a hotel. Bree leaves, but not without making it clear to Karl that this visit isn't billable.
Ana tries to rush out of the house to school without eating, but Gaby stops her, and plays fashion police. She knows no girl who spends as much time on her hair and makeup as Ana would leave the house in the frumpy gray sweatshirt she's wearing, so she makes her lift it. Sure enough, she has on a skimpy half tank underneath. Gaby makes her go change, and while she's gone, Gaby and Carlos bicker about Ana. It's basically the same thing as last season -- Carlos thinking nothing Ana does is a big deal because she's had a sad life and Gaby thinking everything she does is bad -- except now Carlos is trying to get Gaby to sign papers saying they will adopt Ana, or at least be her legal guardians. The best moment of the scene is when Ana leaves the room, she tells Gaby maybe she'll wear one of her shirts, so it will get to go somewhere other than the supermarket. Juanita cutely says, "Oh, snap," and Gaby's like, "Hey! You, I can hit." Ana comes back out in a cute T-shirt and asks if that's better. Carlos is all, "Yes. Thank you," but Gaby's too smart for Ana's trickery and pulls the skimpy shirt out of Ana's back, holding up for Carlos, all, "See?!"
Lynette's sitting at her kitchen table when Tom walks in and asks what he smells. Without missing a beat, she says, "Despair. Paralyzing fear." Tom's like, "Oh. I thought it was waffles." Lynette points out she'll be in her 60s when these twins finish high school, and Tom protests, but then realizes she's right. He reminds her how much fun they had raising the first four, and she reminds him how close to the finish line and being alone again they were, and Preston is even moving out: "We will never be done if we birth two every time one moves out. That's just math!" Heh. She storms out, and Tom sighs, "Eight and a half months to go. Yay."
Mike's at Katherine's, asking if she's all right, apparently after breaking up with her. She says she's great, and she could never picture themselves old together anyway. She gives him his engagement ring, which he says isn't necessary, but she says she doesn't need another reminder of him. She seems remarkably together in this scene, but that line's awfully telling. Sad. Then Mike's back at Susan's explaining that Katherine is okay, and seems to be trying to take the high road. Susan wonders if that means she wishes them the best, or that she's going to cut Susan's brake line, so she careens off the high road. Mike says Katherine's dealing with it, and now that she knows, it will be easier for Susan to talk to her. Susan's all, "Why? Why? You're the one who was dating her. I think we're good now." Mike says she has to deal with Katherine at some point, and Susan says she will, but then makes excuses why she can't right away. Mike says she can't avoid the person living across the street from her for fifty years, and Susan says she'll just do it until Katherine's too old to avoid things. Mike tells her not to worry, because Katherine's really going to surprise him. Is this show just trying to make Mike and Susan even more hateable? Because it's working. Susan looks out the window and sees Katherine staring at her. Well, that was sort of a surprise, I guess.
Lee's showing Mary Alice's house to a family of three: Drea de Matteo, Jeffrey Nordling, and newcomer (unless you count the Canadian series Heartland) Beau Mirchoff. Lee's telling them all the great things about the place, and Jeffrey's character, Nick, seems impressed. Lee is also impressed ... with himself, and he tells them it's his first listing. He adds how lucky he is that the lady who normally does real estate on this street just died. Nick's all, "Congratulations." Drea's character Angie is like, "Cut the crap. Why can we afford this place?" He tries not to tell them, but then says that Mary Alice shot herself in the head in the room they're in. Angie's like, "That's it?" Tom says, "Yeah," in a way that also asks, "How does that not creep you out?" They say they'll take it, so Tom goes to get the paperwork. Nick says he thinks they can be happy here, and asks their son, Danny, if he agrees. Danny eerily replies, "Why are you asking me? I didn't want to move here." Angie mysteriously responds only, "Whose fault was that?" Well, TELL US! But they don't. Instead, Danny watches Julie arriving home and hugging Susan across the street.
Six weeks before the wedding. Bree's having some sort of welcome gathering for Angie with all of the ladies (sans Katherine). They compliment Angie's treats (Bree let someone else serve food in her home? I'm not buying it), and she tells them to eat up so she doesn't eat them all, since they go right to your ass. Everyone eyes her as if she's done something terrible, and thankfully she doesn't act all weird about it, but just asks, "Okay, I'm sorry. Do you guys not say 'ass'?" Lynette's like, "We do. Show her, Bree." But, instead of obliging, Bree says she heard Angie's son's starting college. Angie says that he starts week, but Susan thought he already started since, sometime off screen, he asked Julie to tutor him in math. Hmmm. Mysterious. After all, why would anyone prepare in advance for school?
The doorbell rings, and Bree says it must be Katherine. Susan's all, "Katherine!?" She tries to pretend it's no big deal, but her shrieking gives her away. She says she was going to talk to Katherine, but has been so busy with the wedding plans. Gaby says Susan probably shouldn't open with that. And why wasn't Katherine invited to Angie's "getting to know you" mixer, anyway? Katherine comes in to drop off the menu for some event that's three months away, because she has a lot of free time on her hands these days. Katherine looks at where Susan's literally hiding behind Lynette and says, "Hello, Susan," and wonders why she hasn't seen her much lately. Susan says she's been using the back door a lot lately. Oh, that wacky Susan. But then Katherine out-wackies her because Lynette points out her sweater's buttoned all wrong and her bra is completely showing. Katherine doesn't know where her head is, giggles, then stops and glares at Susan before leaving. Angie's like, "Was it just me or was that the most awkward moment ever?" Bree: "You bet your sweet ass it was." So she did oblige after all.
Lynette's in a waiting room full of pregnant women watching a husband and wife be all cute and lovey. The husband goes to get water and the wife says it's their first. Lynette, "Yeah, I got that." When Lynette says she has four at home and two on the way, the pregnant lady says Lynette's so blessed, since she can't imagine anything greater than being a mommy. She says she knows it's a lot of work, but her husband's going to be really hands-on. Lynette's like, "Yeah, that's not going to happen." He'll change a diaper or two, but won't help out with the four a.m. feedings. The woman tries to say Lynette's wrong, because her Johnny's different, and Lynette's like, "Does he have boobs?" Then she goes on that the soon-to-be-mom can kiss bikini-wearing goodbye, because even though she looks great in her dress, Lynette assures her she's all saggy and gross underneath. She compares her stomach to stucco and her breasts to deflated balloons. Lynette says that this being a great experience is just a lie every generation tells the so they can get grandchildren. The lady's like, "Please stop talking to me." But Lynette won't. She says she needs to hear this: She's going to feel lonely but never be alone, her kids will hate her, and her husband will buy her bad gifts. The husband comes back to find his wife crying, and Lynette tells him it's hormones, so he should probably get used to it.
Karl takes Bree to a less-than-five-star-hotel and takes off his shirt. She stands in the doorway and tells him this isn't what she was expecting, what with it being filthy and hideous
. He reminds her (and fills us in) that he took her to a nice place last week and she saw someone she knew, so they had to leave. He says that once he gets started, she'll never even notice the dust, but the sheets disgust her and she can't lie there and wonder how many junkies have died. He's like, "What do you want me to do about it?" My advice would be to give up on trying to nail Bree, but she takes him sheet-shopping. She throws some sheets into her cart, which is full of pillows and bedding. Now she'd like to get some flowers, since she'd like this affair to be nice. He says she actually doesn't want it to be nice, since she doesn't want it at all. She disagrees, but he points out that she's been throwing up roadblocks along the way. He unpacks the cart as he talks, and then says she's a good girl who won't break the rules no matter how miserable she is. He thought this would be fun, but he can't help it if she'd rather be good than happy. He leaves her in the store. I'm hoping they took separate cars, then, because that would be rude to just leave her behind. Although I wouldn't put it past Karl.A delivery guy shows up at Katherine's with a delivery for Susan, who isn't home. He wonders if Katherine will sign for it. The box says "Bridal Couture," so Katherine brilliantly susses out that it must be Susan's gown. She says she'll take it, since they do stuff like this for each other all the time. "In fact, just last month, she took in something of mine." Ooh, what's she going to do to the dress?
Susan gets home to see the note on her door saying they left the package with Susan and she immediately panics. Because, you know, this means she has to go over there. And also, because KATHERINE HAS HER WEDDING GOWN! Knowing Susan, I bet she'll just buy a new one. But, nope, she drops her groceries and heads over to Katherine's. She knocks on the door and Katherine answers it wearing Susan's dress. Susan says she didn't see that coming. Really? Because I totally did. Susan asks Katherine if she wouldn't mind taking it off now, but Katherine has to check her sauce. She heads into the kitchen where marinara is bubbling up, and Katherine insists she must keep stirring. Katherine gets all threatening about expensive fabric and how Mike used to love her sauce, but he also used to love her. Susan puts the lid on the pot and says that's enough; she'd like her dress back now. Katherine cries and compliments the dress as Susan unzips her.
Back at Susan's, Mike can't believe Katherine was wearing the dress, but Julie and Susan are blotting all the red spots out. Julie thinks they can stop now since an all white dress on Susan's third wedding is sort of a joke. Susan asks her to save it for the toast. Mike wonders if he should go talk to Katherine again, since she's hurting more than he thought. Susan wonders how he could possibly defend someone who kidnapped her dress and held a pot of sauce to its head. He says he's not, but he's worried. Susan says she isn't. Or, she is, but she's mostly sick of Katherine since no one congratulates her because they all feel so bad for Katherine. Uh, yeah, honey, that's what happens when you steal someone's fiancée. Get over it, or don't go through with it. Susan wonders why no one remembers that Mike was with her first. She turns to Julie and says, "SHE stole MY leftovers; does no one remember that?" Mike asks if Susan just referred to him as leftovers. Which does seem a little weird now that they're back together, but then again, it's Susan. She's crazy and annoying and self-involved. If Mike loves her, he obviously knows that. Susan says the point is that she and Mike have a child, and she's tired of feeling like the other woman. She leaves, and Julie tells Mike that the scary part is that's the more stable of the two women he could marry. I wouldn't say that, actually. I also wouldn't say that these are his only two options in the world. Just if he wants to stay on this show.
Gaby's driving Mrs. McCluskey to the grocery store and they're talking about her boyfriend. That's right, Mrs. McC has a "companion." She tells the story about how it started one night when Roy asked if her bathtub was big enough for two. Gaby's like, "TMI!" They pull up to Gaby's, where Ana's washing what must be Carlos's car. She asks "Aunt Gaby" if she'd like her car washed, and Gaby's like, "Let me guess: You want something." Ana says there's a party tomorrow night. Gaby says she can go, but she has to be home by 10. Ana says the party doesn't start until 11, because it's at a nightclub downtown and everybody's going. Gaby says not everybody, but thanks for washing the car. Ana kicks a bucket, but literally, and storms inside. Mrs. McC is impressed by Ana's charm of course -- who isn't?! -- and says teenage girls are the best reason not to have kids. She's happy Roy had a vasectomy. Uh, right, like she hasn't gone through menopause. She walks off as Gaby vomits in her mouth.
Julie's tutoring Danny in math, but he interrupts to ask her to a movie. He says it's not like a date, since friends go to movies all the time. She says okay, which pleasantly surprises him. Nick comes in and asks Danny to take the trash out right now, and then he thanks Julie for not shooting Danny down, since he's probably not her type. Way to trash your own son, asshole. But Julie says she likes Danny; he's nice. Nick agrees, but says he's clearly not in Julie's league. Ew. Did he just hit on his son's love interest?
Gaby goes in to Ana's room to tell her goodnight, but she's asleep and snoring. But Gaby's too smart to fall for that, so she pulls back the covers and Juanita's there. She looks at her mom and sort of shrugs, saying Ana paid her $5. She loves money as much as her mommy already. So Gaby's at the nightclub with all of the young kids. She sees a giant bodyguard and asks him for a lift. He lifts her up and then gets a little inappropriate, so she jumps down and opts for paying the DJ to use his microphone. She describes Ana and asks if everyone would look around and point her out. They all boo Gaby, even more when she says Ana's only 16 and came here even though she wasn't supposed to. Gaby threatens to call the cops with their drug-sniffing dogs and the crowd quickly produces Ana. Gaby tells her she told her not to mess with her.
When they arrive home, they sit in the car for a minute, while Gaby says she can't keep doing this. Ana's like, "You're going to throw me out? Fine. You'd actually be doing me a favor." She says she can take care of herself, and Gaby wonders how she'd make money at 16. Ana's going to be a model in Paris or New York or something, and no one will ever tell her what to do again. Gaby asks if she thinks it's that easy. Ana reminds Gaby it was for her, and she left home at 15. Gaby acts like it was totally different, since her stepfather wasn't nice and her mom didn't care about her. Ana's all, "My father left when I was three and my mom's been in and out of prison ever since," or hasn't Gaby been paying attention every time someone on the show tells us that? Ana says she can beat Gaby at this game, and Gaby says this isn't a game, it's her life. Ana says she doesn't want to stay where she's not wanted. Gaby says they feed her and give her shelter, but Ana reminds her that Gaby's also keeping all her options open. Turns out Ana heard the conversation about whether to sign the papers. Gaby rushes in, where Mrs. McC is baby-sitting, and finds the papers. She pushes Ana into the living room and signs the papers. "No more options. I am now officially your guardian." Ana asks if she's supposed to hug her now, and Gaby says she's not going to want to do that, since now she's going to be watching her like a hawk to keep her from ruining the life she was so anxious to start living. Ana says she's so mean, and Gaby agrees and says she wishes someone had been this mean to her. Ana touches Gaby's signature on the paper, because the show wants us to get that she's touched.
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As Mrs. McC's walking home, she sees Julie and Danny having a fight. She's trying to explain something that's "complicated," but he tells her it's simple; she's selfish and she can go to hell. They both go into their respective parents' homes, as Mrs. McC looks on nosily, as usual.
One day before the wedding. Bree's putting the finishing touches on the church, where Orson shows up. He says they should take this opportunity to talk to the church about counseling. Bree wants a divorce, not counseling. But he says she's taken to sleeping in the guest room again (well, at least she remembers they have one), which just isn't right. Bree agrees he should have given her the master room. He says that withholding sex isn't going to make him give up, since he went without it for three years in prison. She thanks him for clearing up a question she didn't know how to ask. He reminds her that they stood at this altar eight years ago and made a vow, and she says she has struggled with that, but she's not his wife anymore, she's his captive (what with the blackmail and all). He says he feels bad for that, but sometimes guilt is a small price to pay for happiness. I like that it's Orson's logic that convinces her to have the affair.
Lynette and Tom are at the ultrasound. Both babies have good, strong heartbeats. Tom thinks this is awesome, and totally worth cutting class for. He asks Lynette if this isn't great, and she hesitates a long time before saying, "Yeah, terrific." The doctor goes to get the nurse to clean her up, and Tom asks what's with her. He knows this has been a shock, but it's been three months, and he wonders when she's going to start getting excited about their kids. She sits up and cleans herself off, as she cries that she doesn't love them. She grabs her clothes and Tom just says, "Lynette." She asks him not to look at her that way because if she can't talk to him about this then she's in big trouble. He says this is just because they weren't planned. She reminds him none of their kids were planned, but she loved each of them the moment she knew they were coming, but it's different this time. She sobs that she doesn't love these babies. Tom walks toward her and tells her to stop saying it. He says she will care about them when she holds them in her arms, just as much as the others. She stops crying and says, "Okay," but it's clear she doesn't mean it. This is a sad and serious storyline for these two, which I like. I like them being funny and light, but they're so good at the drama that it's nice for them to get storylines like this.
The day of the wedding. Bree and Orson are walking into the church when Karl shows up. She tells Orson to meet her inside, and she gets into Karl's car. She tells him Orson will drink too much tonight like he always does at weddings, so she'd like Karl to meet her at the Shangri-La Motel at 9. He asks if she won't bail again, and she says she's already booked the room, changed the sheets, and cleaned the bathroom. Ha. So much for spontaneous, right? She tells him to kiss her, and he does. Right out in the daylight in front of the wedding. Karl wonders what happened to the good girl, and Bree says she decided guilt's a small price to pay for happiness. See, show? I think we got it without her having to repeat Orson's line. We're not that dumb.
Susan's alone in her wedding dress, looking in a mirror when Katherine stalks up behind her and says she thinks it looked better on her. I don't disagree. Susan wonders why Katherine's here, and Katherine says Susan might have noticed Katherine's been out of sorts lately and it just hit her why that is. She said, sure, she was dumped by the love of her life, but it was more than that. Her friend, who was sort of responsible for her world imploding, never bothered to cross the street to see how she was doing. Katherine pulls petals from Susan's bouquet and says this friend didn't have the decency to apologize. Susan's like, "I'm very, very..." but Katherine cuts her off and says not here. She wants the apology during the ceremony since everybody in town knows how Susan humiliated her. Katherine's even found a perfect spot in the wedding. After a reading, but before "We've Only Just Begun." Ew. Gross wedding, Susan. Especially for your third, and second to the same man. Since, you know, you technically began years ago. Susan's not going to do it, but Katherine says if she doesn't, she'll make a scene people will still be talking about on Susan's golden anniversary. If you heard something, that's me scoffing at the thought that Susan and Mike will make it 50 years. Susan agrees to do it, but says she's not happy about it, and would like to get it over with. She asks Katherine to get her gloves, which are in the garment bag, then she locks Katherine in a closet, apologizing that it's only until after the ceremony.
As the wedding is finishing up and Mike and Susan are kissing, Katherine's banging on the closet door, finally knocking it down. And if you thought she was pissed before, you should see her now. This is her, "Sorry I'm late" moment from the beginning of the episode. Mike asks what she's doing here, and she's like, "Susan knows." Mike doesn't know what she's doing here, but he's asking her nicely to leave. Because he's so nice, he adds that if she doesn't, he'll drag her out of this church himself. She gets teary and says she's sorry; she'll go. But Susan tells her to wait, and she runs back to the microphone. She says she just wants to say something. Then she motions to her videographer not to capture this part, please.
She says the day Mike asked her to marry him, AGAIN, was the happiest day of her life. AGAIN. (Okay, so she might not have said that second again, but everyone was thinking it.) But for someone else, it was the day her whole world fell apart. She looks at Katherine, who's crying. Susan admits that she didn't care, because, "In that moment, I was a selfish person." In that moment? That's an interesting interpretation of herself, isn't it. Susan said she chose her happiness, but she is truly sorry for changing Katherine's path. Well, technically, she didn't change it herself or anything. She hopes Katherine Mayfair finds happiness and can find it in her heart to forgive Susan. She arrives to Katherine and lowers the mic, adding, "... and be my friend again." Katherine hugs Susan, who says, "I hope that helped." Katherine whispers: "Honestly. It didn't." She leaves and Susan smiles knowingly, like, "Well, she got me."
Angie and Nick are in their room, wondering where Danny went to after the wedding. Angie wonders what's gotten into Danny, picking fights with girls in public (so, wait, they saw it, too?), and staying out late. Nick says, "He's a teenager," but Angie wants Nick to go look for him, since they can't afford to make waves here. Angie says that everyone has to think they're nice normal people. Nick agrees. Angie unzips her dress, and we see a ginormous scar on her back, as Mary Alice begins her wrap-up:
"It's not hard to find sin in the suburbs." We see Bree and Karl in a hotel room, as Alice tells us you'll find people cheating on their husbands. Then we see Lynette as Mary Alice says they resent their children. Katherine looks straight ahead ominously as Mary Alice says they also plot against their friends. Only, you know, not technically "friends" at this point. Mary Alice: "But as much as we like to talk about the sinful things people do..." as Julie takes out the recycling. "...we forget there's a difference between sin and evil..." Someone comes up behind Julie and chokes her until her feet stop moving. Said person runs off, leaving her lying there, apparently dead. "...there's always someone to come along and remind us." Uh-oh. So,
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is it really going to be as obvious as last season, and be either Nick or Danny? Ooh, or could it be Katherine?!DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, will never again take out the recycling at night. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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