“ Only without the, um, graphic parts, because then this would be an entirely different kind of movie, and if I were recapping it, it would probably be for an entirely different kind of website. ”
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I've got to tell you up front that this is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, and that my primary reason for writing this recap is to warn people away from it.
Open on the corner of a brick building, at night. A sign on the side says "Lindenhurst Academy." A security guard wanders over, leans against the corner of the building, and lights a cigarette. A voice-over says, "When I tell people I went to boarding school, they either picture a castle in the Alps, or a bunch of ivy-covered buildings in New England. But Lindenhurst was right in the middle of the Dairy State. Right in your backyard." I'm not sure if that's supposed to sound ominous or not.
Switch to a bubblegum-pink room. Two blondes are facing each other, and the one whose face we can see looks nervous. The other tells her, "Come on, Lisa. You'll like being a modern woman," and hands her a tampon. The perspective changes, and we see that the other blonde is Busy Philipps. She's got on a black furry hunter's hat with the earflaps and all, a bunch of little braids, and a red T-shirt that says "first woman president." Behind her, perched on a sink (because this is a bathroom), is Lolita. Er, "Dominique Swain." But Lolita is shorter, so I'm just going to call her that until I find out her real name. Lolita asks Busy if she likes being a modern woman. Oh, and we find out that Busy's name is "Karen" here. Karen starts explaining to Lisa, now locked in a stall, how to put in the tampon, while holding her own tampon aloft and going through the motions herself. Only without the, um, graphic parts, because then this would be an entirely different kind of movie, and if I were recapping it, it would probably be for an entirely different kind of website. In her stall, Lisa looks sickened. Lolita's VO tells us that "Lisa used to be friends with some other girls. We called them the Frosty Posse." The Frosty Posse (which looks like only two girls to me, not a whole posse) is at the sinks in towels and mud masks, looking disgusted. Lisa folds up some toilet paper, sticks it in her panties, throws away the tampon, and announces that she got it. The three girls exit the restroom, Karen telling the Frosty Posse, "Boo!" over her shoulder. It's just as unfunny as it sounds. LolitaVO says, "They called us The Smokers." Roll the credits.
thing you know, a shirtless Oliver Hudson is trying to seduce Lisa. She asks him to turn the light off and get a candle, but all in this sort of plaintive, whining way.
Karen and Lolita are outside, heading up a fire escape, wondering if it's okay that they left Lisa alone with Oliver. An older woman almost catches them going up the stairs, and they hurry back down. I don't know why they were going up in the first place, but whatever.
“ Okay, um, ew. Not that I condone boys getting all disgusted by what is a completely natural and unavoidable part of being a woman, but if a guy has his hands down the girl's pants, you'd think she'd give him a little more notice. ”
Oliver gets back into bed with Lisa, and Lolita's VO tells us that "[Oliver] was the president of our class, but he paid somebody else to do his campaigning for him. It wasn't that he didn't want to do the work. He just didn't know how." Lisa and Oliver start getting it on, and Lolita continues, "Lisa. Little Lisa Stockwell. She didn't get high until her senior year. That was with me." Oliver apparently encounters something he doesn't like in Lisa's panties, and asks what it is. She tells him, "It's that time of the month." Okay, um, ew. Not that I condone boys getting all disgusted by what is a completely natural and unavoidable part of being a woman, but if a guy has his hands down the girl's pants, you'd think she'd give him a little more notice. Oliver doesn't seem too upset, and just says, "Tonight?" To which Lisa responds, "I'm sorry."
The old woman opens her window and looks outside, and Karen swears and starts flicking her lighter. LVO tells us, in a nutshell, that Karen was smart and had a scholarship to Lindenhurst, then hints that Karen was ashamed of her background. Karen tells Lolita to set off the fire alarm while she goes to get Lisa.
Lisa and Oliver are still in bed. He asks if she's ready, and she nods nervously. Karen starts pounding on the window, and Oliver deflowers Lisa unceremoniously. She cringes, Karen pounds harder on the window, and Oliver keeps going. After a moment, he gets out of bed, still wearing his jeans -- what, he can light a candle, but he can't trouble himself to take his pants off? -- and lets Karen in. She's all frantic, telling them that "we're totally busted, we've got to get out of here, like, now." Karen starts throwing clothes at Lisa, telling her to get dressed. Lisa starts whining at Oliver, "Why did you do that?" Oliver, very rationally, tells her that she said she was ready. "Well, you could have waited." "I've already waited six months." "I have waited seventeen years." Blah blah blah adolescent-boy-hormone-cakes. Lisa whines some more, and then the Dean of Boys walks in and catches them.
LVO tells us that she was "just an average schoolgirl," as she holds up a lighter to a smoke alarm and sets it off. Outside, the students file out of the dorm like they've done this a million times, and the dorm mother catches Karen racing over to join them.
All three girls are in the principal or headmaster or whatever's office, and my GOD does Karen look freaky. She's got on orange pants, a vintage-y shirt with a sunset design on it, her hair in bunches all over her head, and silver streaky makeup swooping from her nose across her cheekbones on both sides like a mask; remember that, because they will beat us over the head with the mask thing throughout the film. The Authority Figure tells her that she's "no longer walking on thin ice," that "the ice has melted." Karen busts his lame overextended metaphor by pointing out that it "makes [her] pretty Christ-like, then." The make-up is much, much worse up close. Authority Figure tells her that her scholarship is in danger, and she gets all serious. Then he tells them that they've all received detention, probation, whatever. We never actually see this punishment happen, so I'm not gonna bore you with the details. Then he lights a big old phallic power symbol-- uh, I mean, "cigar."