Previously: Joey is torn between Creepy and McFly; Jen plays Dr. Laura; Dawson starts attending film school with Pander and maintains his bizarre likeability; Jack is still allegedly gay.
Okay, people. I'm kicking the habit this week. This whole Liking Dawson thing I've been going through the last couple of episodes? It's over. Cold turkey. I can't live like this anymore. So, we open with Jen, clasping her hands over Dawson's eyes and leading him into Grams's kitchen. "No peeking," she squeals. "I'm not peeking, I swear," Dawson chuckles, right before Jen walks him straight into a door. "Ouch," Dawson yelps. "It was a door," Jen explains. "Yep," Dawson chirps. Okay, so he's not acting like a dick and they're running him into walls? I'm never going to get this monkey off my back. Jen sits Dawson down at the kitchen table and uncovers his eyes to reveal…nothing. Dawson points out that the whole "unveiling of gifts" doesn't really work if there isn't a gift to reveal. "You realize, to criticize the method by which the presents are presented means you never get a present again," Jen explains. "You're very pretty," Dawson immediately points out. "Okay," Jen forgives him. She hauls out a big red bag, and explains that she bought him something for "the first day of school." Dawson grins and wonders if she hit the sale at Old Navy. "Nothing smells more like the first day of school than cheap fleece," Jen snarks. Hey, I have plenty of nice things from Old Navy, young lady! Including a very cozy baby blue and yellow fleece long-sleeved tee, which is perfect for the many UCLA sporting events I attend. So, shut up, Jen. Actually, Jen's gift is a giant bag of school supplies: pencils, erasers, paper, the works. Then Jen presents "le piece de le resistance [sic]," which is not only incorrect French, but also makes it sound like she's giving him a dagger used by Jacques le FrenchLastName to kill a bunch of Nazis. It's actually an ET Trapper Keeper. Jen looks extremely proud. "Oh my God," Dawson says, not entirely happily. Jen twitters about how she was going to put Reese's Pieces in the pencil holder, blah blah, blah, and Dawson is like, my God, what have I created, and finally manages to shut her up long enough to thank her. Jen wonders if he's nervous about his first day of school. Dawson shakes his head. He's not taking a heavy course load, anyway, he says. Jen agrees it's best to ease oneself into "the rigorous college schedule of napping and drinking." Isn't that the truth? How I miss the afternoon nap of my college days. Drinking, I can do at work, but napping? Not so much. Anyway, Dawson loads up his backpack, and they make plans to meet for lunch after her radio show. Kiss, kiss, and the Head heads out. "Wait, baby!" Jen calls after him. "Baby, you forgot your Trapper Keeper!" Dawson's like, yes. Yes, I did. "Oh," he mutters. "Oversight on my part. Why would I leave the house without this?" he says, picking up his notebook and finally making his escape. "Have a good day at school, sweetie," Jen calls. Dawson waves and walks out the door. "He is so cuuuuuute!" Jen squeals to the wall. Jen? Dial it down. Also, I'm still liking Dawson. If this goes on much longer, I'm going to have to check into TWoP headquarters for reprogramming.
Joey And Audrey's Erotic Adventures. Er -- "dorm room." Audrey's nowhere to be found, but Joey and McFly are lolling around, discussing Creepy's novel. McFly calls it "a step away from being a Jackie Collins novel." Joey rolls her eyes, and says she wasn't aware McFly was so familiar with Jackie's work. "Don't be ashamed or anything," she tells him. Hey, I learned a lot about sex from Jackie Collins! Although, God knows, she's no Judith Krantz. Really, no one writes better beach reading than Ms. Krantz. Come on, the Scruples trilogy? Genius. Anyway, Joey, predictably, enjoyed Creepy's moronic literary effort. McFly rolls his eyes, and dubs the book "all smut and no substance." Besides, he tells her, he knows that the only reason she likes Creepy's book is because she thinks he's a babe. Joey insists that she totally does not! And then she hypothesizes that McFly doesn't like Creepy's book because "it's affecting [his] mojo with the ladies." How could an assignment affect McFly's mojo? Maybe Creepy himself could affect McFly's mojo, but his book? Not so much. Unless girls are running away from him screaming because they think he's an idiot for reading it. Hey, I just stopped dating a guy because he had horrible grammar. I'm serious. He and the comma had never been introduced, and I just couldn't do that anymore. Anyway, McFly claims that this theory proves how little Joey knows him. "I have no mojo to speak of," he chirps. Hee. "I think you have a little," Joey flirts. And he does, because then he asks her out! She's his density -- er, destiny. Actually, he asks her if she'd like to "maybe see something, or eat something, with [him]." Joey translates that he's asking her to dinner and a movie. Aw, dinner and a movie! I haven't been to dinner and a movie with a boy in ages! Probably because I return their letters covered in red pen. "This way sounded much better. To me. In my mind," McFly stumbles. Aw, he's cute. I'm a stickler for grammar, but awkwardness is sweet. I'm a complicated woman. Joey would love to go out with McFly. They're grinning at each other when Audrey flings open the door. She covers her eyes when she sees McFly. "Are there naked people in here?" she asks. "No," Joey says. "Oh. Bummer," Audrey says, uncovering her face and tossing her stuff on the bed. She starts to mock the amount of product in McFly's hair, which he takes as his cue to bail. When he gets to the door, he turns to say something, then sees Audrey, claps his mouth shut, and leaves. "Someone's got a boyfriend," Audrey singsongs. Joey tells her to shut her piehole. But Audrey wants the scoop. Joey insists that she and McFly are "just getting to know each other."
So, Jen struts her stuff all the way through Jack's frat house, en route to delivering his mail. "Why do I feel like all the boys are looking at me?" she asks. Jack looks up from his game of pool to explain that they are. "Oh," Jen says. Then she tosses his things onto the pool table and suggests he start having his mail forwarded. He sniffs that he'll get to it eventually. Jen notes that something "kind of official" came for him. Jack opens said official letter, scans it, and tosses it down. "Jack, you are on academic probation!" Jen squeals. Jack is slightly peeved that she's been reading his letters. Jen continues to squeal about Jack's poor grades. Jack rolls his eyes. "Jen, you can play, or you can go," he says. Jen chooses to go.
College of Convenience; Dawson hitches his backpack up and looks around. People are acting arty: painting stuff, smoking, wearing berets. The usual. Dawson goes inside the student union and has a few precious moments of peace before Pander spots him and screams his name across the room. Dawson looks less than thrilled to be so singled out. Then he heaves a giant sigh of resignation. Yeah, I still don't hate him. Crap. What is wrong with me? Is this, like, Bizarro World? Am I going to start, like, voting Republican and watching JAG? Nothing against Republicans, I mean. Although I once broke up with a guy for being a Republican. Come on, are grammar and similar political beliefs too much to expect in a mate? I think not. So, Pander's all, let me give you a tour of this place. And Dawson's all, if you insist. So Pander starts leading Dawson around the place, talking shit about everyone he passes. Dawson looks ready to die. Pander glares at one guy, and proclaims him a genius, then says that it's "too bad his ego is the size of a small country." Ego glares at Pander and Dawson. "Hi, I'm new here," Dawson offers. And I laughed at his delivery. AGAIN. I am ill, I tell you! Mentally ill. Very mentally ill. Pander keeps shit-talking, and Dawson finally steps in and says that he'd like to introduce himself around. Alone. Pander's like, "Fine," and stomps off. Dawson sighs.
Over at the radio station, Jen's still playing Dr. Laura. Except for the part where she's all cheerful and happy, lighting candles and sniffing flowers and snuggling teddy bears and singing the praises of love. I am not kidding. Her first caller is Audrey, who's doing yoga in her dorm room and asking about the origins of the phrase "booty call." Jen yammers some crap about love and romance, and Audrey rolls her eyes. She's really calling to ask about some guy. "Let's call him Buttface," she says. But Jen interrupts to advise that Audrey seems to have "lost the love," and she needs to find it again! She needs to nurture the love! She needs to "have tea with a worthy man." She needs to let the sun shine in! Audrey stares at the phone in shock and horror.
Stepford Frat. Jack's heading out to play some football with the bros when he runs into Blossom. Blossom wants to know about the hottie with Jack's mail. Jack breaks the news that Jen is involved with someone, but surprisingly doesn't toss in the fact that she hates the Greek system with every fiber of her being. Anyway, he says, she just came over to harass him about his grades. Blossom thought Jack was on the honor roll in high school. "I was, but now I'm on academic probation. Who says men can't change?" Jack laughs. Blossom, not so much. In fact, he's pissed -- Jack's crap grades reflect poorly on the house, he bitches. This segment of this particular plot isn't horribly unrealistic: I know that many frats, especially those already in trouble with the school for one reason or another, get in serious trouble if the house GPA dips below a particular point. So, Jack swears he'll make up his grades. And Blossom indicates that he'd better. "Why aren't you studying?" he asks, bossily. And Jack's all like, thanks, Mom, I'll get to it!
Film School. Dawson's trying to concentrate on the movie they're watching in class when Pander tosses a fat script on his lap and hisses that Dawson needs to read it. Because he wants Dawson to direct it. "I'm not looking for a new film," Dawson says. Hmmm, that was almost annoying. Nope, not quite. But close. I may be seeing the light, here. "Read it, we'll talk," Pander says. "AWESOME Trapper Keeper." Dawson thanks him, and makes a mildly perturbed face.
Joey's walking to class. McFly stops her and asks how she feels about Indian food. "For Friday. Some people have a problem with curry. I'm not one of them, but if you don't enjoy naan, what's the point?" he asks. Hee. How cute is he? Joey grins. "You are so odd," she says. "Am I too odd?" McFly wonders. Joey swears he isn't, and promises to keep him informed as far as Indian food goes. They're grinning at each other when Creepy slithers up and ruins everything, telling them that they're late for class. "So are you," Joey sasses. McFly excuses himself to allow his new girlfriend to pick up on their professor. Creepy's got news on the "Lazar front." The project is done; he's going to be published in "an obscure journal that no one, not even [his] mother will read." And he's taking the team out for dinner Friday night. Joey's like, yay! As Creepy walks past her to go scam on some other undergraduate, her face falls. She's remembered poor McFly and their Indian Food And Movie To Follow plans. I saw this plot on Gidget once. Sally Field managed to work it out. I'm sure Joey can handle it.
Grams's. Dawson's reading Pander's script, although he swears he's not interested in having anything to do with it. Jen washes the dishes and makes a knowing face. She wants him to do it, you can tell. For reasons that must be connected to the spinectomy. Dawson explains that he doesn't want to "make that kind of commitment to a film, especially someone else's film." Jen nods, and scrubs in silence. Dawson gets up and looks at her and grins. "I know what you're doing," he says. "I've been in therapy. I know the tricks." Jen giggles, and tells him that he's "got a twinkle in his eye," and she can't take full credit for it. Part of it must be attached to the idea of getting behind the camera again. At the very least, she offers, he ought to talk to Pander about it. Dawson twists up his mouth wryly and promises to think about it. Jen nods, pleased, and explains that she's got a meeting with her producer at the radio station before her show. But they're still on for lunch, right? Right! Kiss. Kiss. I'm not even vomiting. No, this liking of Dawson is not going anywhere, even with the talking about "film" and all the mackery! Oh, the horror.
Pacey waits for Audrey while she finishes her yoga. "Carpooling was a mistake," he muses, as she assumes the lotus position. "I can see that now." Audrey untwists herself and announces that she's done. But first they have to help Joey with "her dilemma." Joey hisses that she has no dilemma. "Joey made two dates for the same night," Audrey pipes up. "Audrey, when my eyes bug out like this, what does that mean in your world?" Joey asks through gritted teeth. Audrey smiles serenely at her, as Pacey dubs this all "very Marcia Brady." He inquires about "the contestants." Joey looks ready to stab herself with a pen as Audrey does the honors, calling Creepy "the forbidden fruit." Ew. Joey insists that her outing with Creepy is not a date. It's "an academic group activity." Audrey points out that the evening could still end up with the two of them "wrapped around each other like squid." Yikes. Squid are not so sexy. Joey swears that the squid sex thing will not happen. She's only canceling on McFly, she says, to "further [her] academic career." Pacey makes the salient point that her academic career is in pretty good shape, but her social life is not. "I have a social life! What's this?" Joey asks. Pacey and Audrey exchange looks. "Listen, I'm all for you bedding down with the gorgeous professor," Audrey begins. "Oh, yeah. Been there. Done that. It's good," Pacey offers cheerfully. Hee. I can't believe the writers actually remember TaMARah. When it comes down to a choice between homoeroticism and continuity, I give the latter a "yay" every time. ["Too bad they don't seem to remember that Joey and Pacey broke up less than a year ago, and that as a result Joey might not be talking about dating in front of him, but whatever." -- Sars] Audrey doesn't think Joey's got the guts to hop in the sack with the old guy. And, she points out, McFly has "serious boyfriend potential." Pacey raises his brows dramatically in the background. "Unless you're not ready for a boyfriend yet," Audrey offers. Behind her, Pacey actually turns around, so unwilling is he to hear this conversation. It's funny. Joey protests that she's more than ready for a boyfriend. Pacey inches as far away from this conversation as possible. Oh, funny, funny Joshua Jackson. Run. Run as far away from this sinking ship of a show as your feet will carry you. Run, my boy! Run! Run like the wind! Audrey's all talking about "letting your guard down," and "allowing yourself to be intimate with somebody new." Joey squeals that she's "absolutely ready!" Pacey wants to die. "Great, then I guess you'll be going out with [McFly] tonight," Audrey says. And then she and Pacey leave. Joey looks perplexed.
Frat House Of The Corn. Jack skips up the walk, waving his sociology quiz in the air like a schoolboy running home to Mommy. Mommy -- er, Blossom -- scrutinizes the quiz briefly, notices the "A-" in red across the top, and finally apologizes for "getting all up" in Jack's face over his schoolwork. Jack brats that it felt more like Blossom was "on [his] back." No comment. Anyway, Blossom's all, let's go out and celebrate tonight! Passing your quiz, woo! Walking home without tripping, woo! Putting your shirt on right-side out, woo! Jack woos enthusiastically in agreement.
College of Contrivance. Pander's still harassing Dawson about directing his film. In fact, he presents Dawson with a shooting schedule. And Dawson finally just out and tells Pander that he can't do it. He's sorry. Pander is gobsmacked. Pander is also the new Dawson; irritatingly obsessed with both movies and himself, and wearing several chunky man-chokers. "You have to do it, Dawson. You're the only one who can do it," he whines. Dawson's like, nope. But he can't leave it at that! He has to say "no," and then start giving Pander notes on the script. "You have notes on my script?" Pander squeals. Dawson mutters that he might have a few. Pander takes this as an invitation to grab Dawson by the arm and drag him off to lunch, over Dawson's strenuous objections. I'm sure the hate will return in just a second, you guys. Hang tight. I'm going to hate Dawson with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns any minute. I'm waiting. Seriously, just a minute. I'm still waiting. Shit.
Liberty Hell. The Ballad Of Jen And Pacey. Well, it's more like the peppy pop ditty of Jen and Pacey, since they don't have any kind of angst-ridden thing happening, thank God. Jen sits on the edge of the counter and watches Pacey knead bread and complains that her producer has informed her that she's "lost her edge." Pacey kneads and says nothing. "I am nothing but edge, Pacey. I am razor sharp," Jen squeals. Pacey nods supportively as Jen exposits that she has to go back to what she was like "before," or her show will get canned. "'Before' what?" Pacey asks. Jen doesn't know. She makes a thinking face. "Before Dawson!" she finally says. Except for the part where she and Dawson were already going out when she got the Dr. Laura gig. Writers, that was just last week! I might have somehow been infected with this Liking Dawson thing (like anthrax!) but I can remember what happened a week ago! I guess Jen and Dawson weren't schmoopily happy then, though. Whatever. "And the clouds part," Pacey narrates. "Nobody likes happy people," he says. That was the runner-up in the competition for TWoP's new tagline. Jen hypothesizes that it's better to get lurve advice from someone in "a healthy, loving relationship." Pacey rolls his eyes. "I prefer to get my advice from people who are more dysfunctional than I am, that way I feel good about my life," Pacey says. Jen swings her feet against the counter and looks thoughtful. "I can do nasty and sarcastic," she insists. "I just need something that can take me there. Pacey, say something disgusting." Pacey looks up and smirks. "Sure. You want something sexist, or just downright vulgar?" he asks. Jen's considering her options when her cell phone rings. It's Dawson. "Helllllllo, my little pumpkin," Jen coos. "Pumpkin head," the viewing audience mutters. "Oh, you are so fired," Pacey mutters to his dough.
, Joey lies to McFly to get out of their date, telling him she's sick! Because she's mean! And she sucks! I don't know why she doesn't just tell him that Creepy wants to take that stupid academic group out for dinner and she needs to go to kiss his ass, and the two of them can do the Indian food and movie thing on Saturday! What the hell? Poor McFly looks absolutely crestfallen. Joey looks guilty. As well she should! Stupid, stupid girl.
Jen's sitting on Dawson's bed, reading Lucky magazine in an attempt to regain her edge. "Oh, man! I got nothing. I really like those shoes," she sighs. See, that's the beauty of Lucky. There are no ire-inducing articles like "How to Lose Thirty Pounds in Thirty Days!" or "Get Him NOW! Three Hundred Ways to Totally Bury Your Natural Personality In Order to Snag Some Guy Who's Probably a Complete Idiot to Begin With." Instead, there are just articles on, like, cute shoes, and cute bags and cute coats and cute bath items and cute sofa pillows and I love Lucky. See, I'm a magazine whore, and Lucky is my favorite new john. Anyway. Enter Dawson. Jen looks up and whines that she's lost her edge and is about to lose her show and it's all his fault because now she's happy and boring. Dawson chuckles and sits down on the bed and breaks the bad news that Pander wants to go to dinner with them. "Oh, baby, you going to do the movie?" she squeals. Dawson doesn't know. Probably not, he says. Then why does Pander have to come with them to dinner, Jen whines. "Just say the word and I'll tell him to forget about it," Dawson tells her. Jen makes a series of faces, then tells Dawson that it's fine. At this point, Pander pokes his head into the room. See, he was eavesdropping. Because he's annoying. He looks at them staring at him and says he'll wait downstairs. Dawson rolls his eyes.
Cue several shots of a fake Boston skyline. Creepy's little dinner party is breaking up outside of a cozy-looking restaurant. Every other student has plans for the rest of the evening, but not Joey. She's just going back to her dorm. All alone. All alone and unloved. Creepy holds his arm out for her to take and offers to escort her. And also to have sex with her. Okay, not in so many words.
So, they walk and talk and Joey kisses his ass about his idiotic book. "I thought it was honest and complex," Joey gushes. Creepy cocks a brow. "Okay, maybe not complex, but riveting." And the part about "the girl"? Joey thought it was "beautiful." The part about the girl is also Creepy's favorite part, surprise, surprise. This entire plot line disgusts me entirely.
At the local pizza parlor, Dawson and Pander argue vehemently about Pander's script, and Jen can't get a word in edgewise, no matter how hard she tries. To cut to the chase: Pander is a jerk, and Dawson isn't standing up for his old lady.
Elsewhere in the fine city of Boston, Joey and Creepy are still walking around talking about his stupid, stupid book. Joey offers that "the girl" is not how she pictured Creepy's wife at all. "I don't have a wife," Creepy says. "You said you did," Joey informs him. And he did. In the season premiere! "Must have been trying to rationalize some bad behavior," Creepy offers. "I use the 'wife and kid' bit to get me out of things I don't want to do." My notes here read: "Insert Angry Rant." But do I really need to go there? You know that story. Instead of being grossed out by this admission, Joey is thrilled that Creepy's swinging single. For his part, he excuses this wife-and-kid fib by telling Joey that he doesn't lie, he "creates characters." She asks about "the girl" in the lame-ass book. "Sadrine was very real," Creepy waxes poetic. "Sadrine"? Spare me. But she was real! Real! And he loved her! Joey wonders why he and "Sadrine" broke up. Um, he's a creepy liar? Just a guess. Creepy tells her that Sadrine was "crazy." They stare at each other. "You stop wanting that as you get older," Creepy offers. "What do you want? When you get older?" Joey breathes. Stare. Stare. "Coffee," Creepy says. "You want coffee. You want to get some coffee?" Please. Joey would tag along if Creepy offered her a cup of cold blood.
Dawson and Pander: arguing. Jen: frustrated by the fact that they're both still ignoring her. Finally, in the heat of the cinematic argument, Pander fires Dawson. "You can't fire me, I never agreed!" Dawson squeals. Not all that irritatingly. I know. I think whatever I have, it's terminal. Pander stomps off in a total huff. "Can you believe that guy?" Dawson asks. Jen's mouth just hangs open.
Creepy and Joey are walking around, holding cups of coffee. They sit down on the bench overlooking the Charles. Or whatever that body of water is. The bay? I only know about the Charles because in the first Anastasia Krupnik book, they live in Boston and she and Robert Giannani go down to the Charles to look for junk. I really liked those books. Anyway. Creepy asks Joey about "a certain story about a certain boy," and wonders what ever happened between the two of them. Joey sighs and explains that "it's over." Creepy lies and says he's sorry to hear it. "What can you do?" Joey shrugs. "Start dating," Creepy offers. Joey says that dating is "just hard." Word, sister. And I'm not throwing perfectly nice boys out with the bathwater the way she is! Well, not ones that can spell, anyway. Creepy agrees that dating is hard. "So, what's the point?" she asks. "No point," Creepy shrugs. "You should probably quit, and join a nunnery. You'd look good in a habit." Joey smirks and tells him that's not such a bad idea. "And give up all those first crush butterflies?" Creepy asks. "Never!" Joey sips her coffee and shares that, for her, the butterflies never come with the right people. So, what's Pacey? Chopped liver? It didn't work out, sure, but he's a very nice boy. "So, who gives you flip-flops, Joey Potter?" Creepy asks. Oh, ew. She stares at him. "People who shouldn't," she breathes. "Well, that hardly seems fair," Creepy says. Stare. Stare. Stare. Stare. Stare. "No, it's not fair at all," Joey says. Then they move in slowly, slowly, slowly and then kiss for about half a sec, thank God, because that was just about all I could possibly handle. Also, no tongue, praise Jesus. Then they leap apart. "Oh. Okay. Oh. Wow. I'm going to go to prison, aren't I?" Creepy asks. Joey leaps off the bench and offers that it wasn't entirely his doing. But she should go. They should go. But not together. Apart. To their house. Or dorm. Or whatever. Both Joey and Creepy look awkward and skeeved, which is at least somewhat realistic. And I have to admit that while I wanted to barf during the kiss, I didn't have the almost uncontrollable desire to blind myself. That's an important distinction, people. "Good night, Professor," Joey offers. "Good night," Creepy responds. She walks away. He covers his eyes.
Liberty Hell. Drunken Jack. Drunken Blossom. Drunken brawl. Stupid subplot. Oh, you want more detail? Fine, but just this once. I'm about to boycott Jack altogether, his storylines are so stupid and predictable. Basically, Jack's in the middle of a death spiral into the battle of the bottle, and Blossom is all confrontational and admits that all he cares about is "the house," and then he slurs that talking to Jack is like "talking to a chick," and then everyone starts throwing punches and Pacey has to break it up. Blossom yells that "it wasn't worth bringing [Jack] into the house," which it seems they only did to please the administration by being more diverse or some damn thing, and Jack shoves his hand through a bunch of glasses, breaking them and cutting himself. Finally, Pacey manages to wrestle Jack into submission, as the frat brothers leave en masse.
Joey's dorm. She finds, in front of her door, a basket of goodies for the sick and a handmade card from McFly. She looks at a bottle of NyQuil and makes a sad and guilty face.
Grams's House For Premarital Sex. Jen's doing her make-up. Dawson enters the bathroom, commenting that he's been thinking about how he could have handled "last night" better. Jen's all, "No shit." "Poor [Pander]," Dawson sighs. "The guy was really upset. Granted, he's obnoxious. But he's got a really unique voice." Jen makes an irritated face. Dawson admits that Pander reminds him of himself. Jen makes an even more irritated face. Then Dawson says that he thinks he's ready to direct someone else's work. It'll be a new challenge for him. And he wants to apologize to Pander. Jen continues to apply her make-up in stony silence. "Are you mad at me?" he finally asks. So she lets him have it! "No one listened to me!" Jen hollers, then tells him that the first sex scene in Pander's script is "totally gratuitous," and she was trying to tell them that all night! "It's just an excuse for [Pander] to see some boobs in the flesh! Why don't you give him twenty dollars and tell him to get a lap dance!" she yells. Dawson just stares at her. Jen's mouth drops open. "Oh my God, it's back!" she yells. "I gotta go!" She runs out, then comes back and smacks him enthusiastically. "I forgive you," she chirps, and leaves again. Dawson is confused.
Audrey's doing yoga when Joey storms into their room. "I kissed [Creepy] last night and just dumped [McFly]," she announces. Audrey falls out of her headstand. "Ouch," she says. "That. Wasn't. Fair." Then she scampers over to Joey and demands to know everything. Joey first babbles that she didn't exactly break up with McFly, as they weren't technically going out, but she did give him back his NyQuil. That makes me so sad. Audrey doesn't really care, because she wants to hear all about the big kiss. "Tongue?" she asks. "We kissed. I pulled away. End of story," Joey says. It's not like she slept with him. Even if she sort of wanted to. "You wanted to sleep with him?" Audrey chirps. Joey doesn't know, she says. But she does know that she freaked out, the way she always does. And she's so sick of that! She came to Worthington to be a different person, Joey explains, "but [her] stupid life followed [her] here." Audrey rolls her eyes and offers that "that was an unfortunate turn of events." And now Joey's trapped at Worthington as herself, of all things, because she can't change now because everyone knows her! Man, Joey, just embrace your nerdish dorkitude and be happy with yourself. This is basically what Audrey says, telling Joey that all the opportunities she's been getting have come her way because of who she is. Who she really is. And she needs to seize said opportunities. Carpe Creepy, in other words. Then Audrey leans in conspiratorially and asks Joey to rate the kiss on a scale of 1-10. "Twenty," Joey confesses. Oh, NOT. I saw that kiss! It was like, a six! Tops! "Yeah, it was good," she says. The girls giggle together.
Over at the radio station, Jen's flaunting her newly rediscovered edge, railing against thong underwear. Dude, sometimes it's your only defense against visible panty line. What are you supposed to do?
Jack slinks back to Liberty Hell to pay Pacey "part of what [he] owes" for the damage to the bar. Pacey's all, you totally could have gotten me fired. "Do you want to talk about what's wrong with you?" Jack doesn't. But Pacey will have none of his attitude. Because he's been there. He's gone down the slacker road. He's gone down the road of the bad grade. He's…since when is Pacey the Obi Wan Kenobi of this show? ["Since, like, the second season." -- Sars] "What do you want from me, huh?" Jack spits. Pacey just wants to know why Jack's hanging out with a bunch of guys who attacked him, and left him bleeding and alone. "Is it worth it? Are they worth it?" he asks. But Jack has to go. He stomps off in a huff. Pacey looks sad. He knows that Jack's racing toward nothing but heartache. Heartache, and maybe not graduating.
College of Contrivance, where Dawson and Pander kiss and make up. Actually, Pander listens while Dawson apologizes for…something. I'm not entirely sure what. Maybe not listening to Pander? Sounds good. Let's go with that. And, Dawson? Don't apologize to that tool, okay? Because you're treating Pander the way other people used to treat you, and it bugs. Long story short: Dawson will direct Pander's film. Pander will star in the flick. And I suspect that this story arc will usher in the return of the hate for Dawson. Don't you think? It will, won't it? Please tell me that it will. Because, just now, when I told Dawson not to apologize to Pander, I really scared myself. I thought Dawson was being too accommodating. Dawson. And I wanted him to stand up for himself. DAWSON. Dawson Leery. Is this what rock bottom looks like? Please, somebody, make it stop.