“ The joke bombs, and then in turn the joke about the joke bombing also bombs, and I think my joke about the joke about the joke bombing bombing just bombed also. See? When I said I had nothing, I meant it. ”
I've got nothing left, folks. Nothing. I just don't care anymore. Joey's a bitch? Fine, don't care. Dawson's a smug, self-absorbed suck? Whatever, don't care. The writing is the primetime-drama equivalent of stereo assembly instructions translated poorly from the Japanese? Carry on, don't care. Don't care, can't care, haven't cared for a while, don't anticipate caring again for a good long time, and should never have cared in the first damn place, so if you'll excuse me, I have to go marinate in the sweet sweet love of the Samuel Adams brewery, so here's the recap: the gang graduated, and Pacey bolted to Florida. Okay? Can I go now?
"No"? "NO"? Look, I've suffered enough for you people! I've driven to Pennsylvania in the middle of the night! I've posted bail for literary conventions! I've sat at this desk with a bottle of tequila hooked up to an IV and a noose around my neck, and it's not like I get paid to -- oh. Right. Oh, dear. Okay, then. My mistake. Sorry.
Previously on They've Finally Broken Sars's Spirit And Left Her A Bitter, Gasping Husk Of Her Radiant Former Self: Gretchen ditched Dawson, but not before signing his yearbook using one-hundred-percent pure Vermont maple syrup as ink; Pacey told Joey that she deserves better than Capeside, and that he is Capeside; Jen harangued Grams into moving to Boston; Mr. K offered Pacey a job as a deckhand on his yacht.
Front lawn of Capeside High. Principal Derek Smalls, sporting a mullet that looks like he used a fan to style it, blathers on expositionally by welcoming the seniors to the graduation rehearsal, blah blah blah. Seniors mill about, not listening. Quick shot of the assembled gang. Principal Smalls tunes up the bass for an expositional rendering of "Ramble On," but not before letting us know that Joey won the Capeside Pinnacle Award and will therefore deliver the salutatorian speech at graduation. How convenient. Shot of Joey "Friends, Romans, Countrymen -- Lend Me Your Spine" Potter doing the blushing thing. Apparently, she has to give her speech, or a version thereof, at the rehearsal, and Principal Smalls calls on her to do so; pulling a "whatever" face, she heads for the podium, to sarcastic applause. "Go West, Young" Dawson Leery yucks it up. Pan across Jen "The Night The Lights Went Out On" Lindley, biting her lip wistfully, and Jack McPhee "-berace," grinning. Joey approaches the mic with trepidation, admits that her speech "isn't quite ready yet," adds that she doesn't have anything to say right now, and thanks the audience. The gang claps sardonically some more. Joey tromps back down, fists stuffed in pockets, and sourly tells them not to say a word. Dawson puts his hand over his heart and blinks rapidly, "overcome." Joey glares at him. Heh. Principal Smalls warns the assembled not to think about pulling any graduation-related pranks, and the gang turns to look expectantly at Drue "The Lizard King" Valentine, who smiles and ducks his head all "don't look at me." Principal Smalls makes a joke about security "tighter than Ricky Martin's pants." The joke bombs, and then in turn the joke about the joke bombing also bombs, and I think my joke about the joke about the joke bombing bombing just bombed also. See? When I said I had nothing, I meant it.
“ Pacey looks over his shoulder to see Joey peering at him like he's got the world's largest piece of spinach stuck in his front teeth, then looks back at The Flash, who says pointedly that Pacey should spend the time before the final studying, not hanging out at the rehearsal. ”
Off to the side of the stage, enter Pacey "Edna Pontellier" Witter at a jog; in the crowd, Mitch "The Flash" Leery knifes through the crowd to get to Pacey, and Principal Smalls continues to provide graduation-themed white noise in the form of bibbling on about "housekeeping details." The Flash intercepts Pacey, who apologizes for his tardiness with an excuse about his American history teacher yammering on past the final bell and starts to head for his seat, but The Flash stops him again; meanwhile, the rest of the gang has turned to stare openly at the two of them. Nice manners, y'all. The Flash says it isn't about the lateness, unfortunately: "It's about your grades." Pacey deems that "vaguely ominous." The Flash cringes that Pacey's "right on the bubble of being able to graduate." Well, it's a good thing the writers gave us a bit of lead-up to that after introducing the storyline eight months ago, because now we have a smidgen of emotion invested in the outcome of -- oh, right. They didn't. And we don't. Because they threatened to flunk him, and that's the last we heard of it until now. Pacey immediately gets bent out of shape, bitching that he sacrificed his "entire senior year" (he did? I don't remember that), pulled "double class loads," did everything the school required, blah blah bleh. The Flash tries to buck the little camper up, telling Pacey that "it's not over yet" -- if he does well enough on his English final, he'll graduate. Uh huh. Because the writers have set the plot up well enough to earn a cheap Bruckheimer-movie payoff like that. Not. Pacey looks over his shoulder to see Joey peering at him like he's got the world's largest piece of spinach stuck in his front teeth, then looks back at The Flash, who says pointedly that Pacey should spend the time before the final studying, not hanging out at the rehearsal. Pacey asks if The Flash is kicking him out. The Flash twangs a neck muscle by way of response. Pacey asks The Flash not to "do this to" him. The Flash is sorry; it's not his decision. Pacey glares over his shoulder again -- whether at Principal Smalls or at the gang isn't clear -- and waddles off in a really weird gait like he's got a full load in his pants or something, and the gang just keeps right on staring at him as a cat gets jammed into a gift envelope.
Back from commercials, we fade up Pacey clomping home in a funk and finding the sidewalk blocked by Doug "Thin Blue Fine" Witter's patrol car. Pacey grumps at him. Doug says he drove right past Pacey a minute before, and Pacey blew him off. Pacey poor-mes about avoiding eye contact with authority figures "at all costs." I almost brought up the fishing trip here, and the fact that said fishing trip and the circumstances surrounding it gave viewers the impression that the brothers Witter had a little closeness going, but then I remembered that I don't care about such flagrant disregard for continuity and character development anymore. Anyway, Pacey gets in one of his patented non-hilarious Doug-is-gay cracks and walks past his brother, and Doug snarks, "Please God, may that never get old." Um, too late. Doug asks Pacey how he's doing. Pacey turns around and grunts that he's "never been better," and Doug ignores the tone to ask, "How's school?" Pacey repeats what The Flash told him, and us, before. Doug, sounding sincere, says he's really sorry to hear that, and Pacey self-pities that Doug can go home and tell their parents that Pacey is "living down to expectations" as usual, so they can cancel the huge graduation party he's sure they planned for him. Hey, why don't you whine about it, Pacey, because that'll help (tm my mother). Pacey starts to walk away, but Doug jogs after him, asking him when he'll know "for sure" whether or not he's graduating. Pacey has one more final to take, and it's "Mr. Kasdan's lit course," which isn't exactly his "best subject." Doug offers to help him study; Pacey is momentarily touched, but quickly reverts to woe-is-me mode and tells Doug to do something useful with his time instead, like "solve a murder." Doug says he's serious, and Pacey snipes that "everybody's serious," but he doesn't understand why the school won't just graduate him, because the sooner he gets out of there, "the better off everyone involved will be," and he huffs off. Doug looks after him, worried.
“ Tobey brandishes a wet rag at Jack, and then there's about eight seconds of splash-fighting and mock-wrestling before we quickly fade into the scene, because Kerr Smith doesn't think the kids need to see two wet guys tussling on TV every week. ”
Capeside High hallway. Joey has a block and can't deal with writing the speech. Dawson theorizes that "that block has a name -- Pacey." Joey starts to deny it, but then confesses that Pacey "has been known to occupy [her] thoughts on occasion." "Occupy"? Shut up, Joey. Dawson calls what went down at the rehearsal with Pacey and The Flash "painful," and Joey says she would have gone up and said something to Pacey, but she knew he'd just "resent [her] for it." Dawson went up to Pacey in study hall the other day, apparently, and Pacey "made it very clear" that he didn't want any help from Dawson either -- and, actually, that's an instinct I can understand. Joey splutters that she just wants to stay friends with Pacey: "Is that asking too much?" Dawson, hesitantly: "Well" Joey rolls her eyes and nods, "It is asking too much." Dawson shrugs all "well, duh." Joey asks what she should do: "I mean, he needs help!" Dawson banals something about both of them in the relationship and still having feelings and feh, but it couldn't hurt for Joey to let Pacey know she cares, and it might help her to write her speech. Joey smiles at him all shy and "thanks for understanding," and he smiles back all "buck up little camper," and I don't care.
Outside the House Of Tobey, "Pretty Please With A" Tobey "On Top" is crouched by the back wheel of the McPhee Saab. Hey, continuity! Except that Andie drove a grey Saab and this one's black, but maybe they traded it in or -- right, not caring, let's move on. Jack asks Tobey what's wrong, since he's lost in thought "in a galaxy far far away." Heh. As the boys wash the car, Tobey asks if they can talk about something, and there's a bit of self-deprecating banter before Tobey gets to the point -- he wants to talk about them, meaning him and Jack, and "what [they] are to each other." Jack says he's "always been honest with" Tobey about where they "stand." Yeah -- as far apart as blocking will allow, according to the htrosexuel majeure clause in Kerr Smith's contract. Tobey confirms that they're "dating," and Jack flaps his arms in the affirmative, so Tobey asks him to finish the sentence: "That would make me your?" Jack furrows his brow. "Boyfriend," Tobey finishes, and says that Jack "can't say it yet," and in fact goes out of his way not to say it. Insert "yeah, but it's rude to talk with your mouth full" joke here; I would make it myself, but I dont care. Anyway, Jack doesn't think it's true that he avoids saying it and wah, and Tobey wants to know how Jack thinks it makes him feel when Jack can't say it and wah, and Jack's like "fine, fine, I'll say it, when it's appropriate" and wah, but Tobey isn't satisfied, asking for Jack's definition of "appropriate" -- when nobody's around? Around just a few people? Wah wah wah? Jack's not having it and grunts, "Let me surprise you, all right?" Tobey rolls his eyes; Jack quickly changes the subject to whether Tobey gets off work early the day. Tobey, tersely: "Yeah." Jack, annoyed: "What?" Tobey, insecurely: "What if she doesn't like me?" "She"? Nice attempt at "suspense," "writers," but we've all seen the promos and we know it's Andie, so just say "Andie." Jeez. Anyway, Jack's all "oh please," and Tobey's all "it could happen," and Jack threatens Tobey with the hose, and Tobey brandishes a wet rag at Jack, and then there's about eight seconds of splash-fighting and mock-wrestling before we quickly fade into the scene, because Kerr Smith doesn't think the kids need to see two wet guys tussling on TV every week. The adults who craved wet David Monahan stripped to the waist would beg to differ, of course, but that's another matter entirely.