Annoying Mr. Shack

So is it me, or is it Hollywood? I mean, am I the only one who finds himself consistently and repeatedly rooting for the villains -- arch, witty, intelligent, and stylish -- to triumph over the alleged heroes -- usually a whiny collection of brats whose unfounded sense of entitlement frequently eclipses any actual personality traits that could be considered admirable? Take a look at Disney cartoons: Eartha Kitt, Jeremy Irons, and James Woods versus David Spade, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and Tate Donovan. I mean, can there be any question as to which team's banner we should be waving? I'm just saying this as advance warning for my recap of the Kevin Williamson-Katie Holmes vehicle (and that vehicle is a rusted-out, stripped-down 1972 Chevelle sitting on cinderblocks in the "Godawful Estates" trailer park) known as Teaching Mrs. Tingle. The title, if you weren't aware, was altered from the Congressional-Task-Force-on-Teens-and-Violence-in-the-Media-unfriendly original, Killing Mrs. Tingle, because of Columbine and all. Because violent titles lead to violent kids. You remember that horrible rash of matricides following the release of Throw Mama from the Train, don't you? I've read that the ending was changed, too. Again, they claim it was the whole "violence" thing, but I suspect that the original ending featured Helen Mirren just sitting in front of the camera, crying and shrieking, "What have I done? What have I done to deserve this? Please, somebody, put me out of my misery! I just needed to keep my work visa valid. I had no idea it would result in such torment!" for fifteen minutes and it didn't test well with preview audiences. Anyway, some Jewel-sounding woman croons about "trying to try" and "waiting for nothing" and other offenses to the ear of anybody who, like me, prefers evocative lyrics that make sense. The camera pans through a room full of trophies, certificates, ribbons, and books. Obviously Williamson got a larger budget for "props that indicate high-school intelligentsia" than the director of Varsity Blues. The camera lands on Leigh Ann "Joey II: Return to the Wrong Side of the Tracks" Watson, busy putting the last touches on what appears to be a summer-camp advanced leatherwork diary project. Mom wanders in, wearing the drab colors of the only job working-class women in Hollywood's America ever have -- the diner waitress. Mom is exhausted from pulling a double shift, but comes in to swoon at Leigh Ann's project anyway. Mama Exposition asks Leigh Ann whether she'll find out about her scholarship today. Leigh Ann tells her not until after finals. She'll only find out her class ranking today. But she did find out that her grant and loan applications were declined. So she's pinning all her hopes on a single scholarship. I'm going to avoid extended comment on this ludicrous contrivance -- for now. Not because it isn't completely and utterly stupid. There's only one scholarship for which she is qualified? But because issues like these have been discussed ad nauseam on the Dawson's boards over similar nonsense on that show this season. I'll only add that you practically have to be in prison for a felony to not qualify for even a small college loan. Leigh Ann runs out to catch a ride with somebody driving a pretty red convertible. Katie Holmes looks absolutely terrible here. Her bangs are pulled up over the top of her head to a ponytail in the back, while the rest hangs limply around her face. And she's wearing an incredibly ugly plaid mini-skirt that is very unflattering to her legs. She looks like a Catholic schoolgirl who spent last night sleeping on a bench in the bus station. We cut to Grandsboro High School as the credits roll. Helen Mirren gets top billing in the cast. As well she should. She should have been listed before Kevin Williamson. In fact, they should repeat her name after every other name in the credits. Because she absolutely owns this movie. ["And she's trying to sell it on eBay." -- Sars] School crowd shots. Cliques as far as the eye can see. Leigh Ann and her friend Jo Lynn "Call Central Casting for a Zany Redhead" Jordan (played by Marisa "Who?" Coughlan) are trying to find a parking space. Leigh Ann needs Jo Lynn's prediction about where she'll be in twenty years for the last issue of the school newspaper. What is with their names? Are they Dixie Chicks or something? Anyway, Jo Lynn recites some unfunny cynical prediction about being a drug-addicted movie star with a gay husband for the singular purpose of telegraphing to us that she's an aspiring actress. And zany. Don't forget zany. Oh, she's a zany expositionist as well. She helps Leigh Ann write her own prediction: "Leigh Ann Watson, famous journalist, wins the Pulitzer Prize for her personal yet searing account of being a thirty-eight-year-old virgin." The Pulitzer family calls in a hit on Kevin Williamson. You would think our budding reporter would have picked up on the concept of research, especially as it pertains to the, oh, I don't know, millions of scholarships out there. Oh, and in case you forget which one is Katie Holmes, remember: Leigh Ann = virgin. The two girls park and head towards the school. They greet a girl named Trudi, who has been saddled with a very unfortunate flat-straight-and-curled-inward-at-the-bottom hairstyle, making her head look like an auburn-colored gumdrop. She's holding a rather large model of the Bastille as her project. (My birthday is Bastille Day. Shout-out?) Trudi Gumdrophead is all snippy with Leigh Ann and Jo Lynn, so we know there must be something wrong with her. Oh look, there's Michael McKean, standing on the steps as the principal, vaguely greeting students with the unconcerned smile of a man who no longer cares how bad the script sucks as long as he's getting paid. ["The IMDb lists his character's name as 'Principal Potter.' Can Kevin Williamson not bust out a phone book and pick out a new name once in a while? 'Tingle'? 'Tringle'? 'Jo Lynn' and 'Joey'? What is his freakin' problem?" -- Sars] Meanwhile, Jo Lynn zanily freaks out when she sees some cute boy, whom she describes as having a "wrought-iron ass." A what? Is that a compliment? The only things I mentally associate with the words "wrought iron" are fences, fireplace tools, and those strange collectibles for men (like Civil War figurines and crap) they sell on home shopping networks. I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I'd rather not have my ass compared to a $49.99 bust of Robert E. Lee. Are all of my recaps going end up with me referring to my own ass? Jo Lynn tosses her bag to Leigh Ann and runs over to the guy, who is currently bending over looking at something on the ground. Jo Lynn deliberately runs into his ass (not the smartest idea if it is indeed made of wrought iron) but pretends it's an accident. The boy stands up and turns around, giving us all a view of Barry Watson, the blandest hunk that has ever been gushed over by a teen magazine. Really. Does anybody swoon over this guy? The moment my eyes leave the screen I forget what he looks like. Poor gwen and Cate, having to endure him and his non-hunky, non-smoldering non-acting on 7th Heaven. I promise myself to light candles for the two of them time I go to church. Which is never. But it's the thought that counts, right? Jo Lynn zanily flirts with the boy. Well, no, flirt implies subtlety. She really tells him she's had the hots for him since third grade and then plants a kiss on him. He, however, is clearly more interested in virginal Leigh Ann. The girls run into school, while Barry (no, we still don't know his character name yet) grabs a rock from the ground and puts it in his backpack. So, here she comes, the incomparable Helen "Mrs. Tingle" Mirren, striding purposefully down the hallway. Williamson makes the idiotic directorial decision to shoot Helen from all sorts of different angles without showing her face to build tension, as if the fifteen-year-olds that likely constituted the audience for the original release are going to shout out, "Dude! It's that chick from Prime Suspect on PBS!" when they finally see her. So Mrs. Tingle strides up to Principal Lenny and Coach Wenchell (played by Jeffrey "Hey! It's That Guy!" Tambor). Principal Lenny tries to excuse himself from conversation with the coach and flee before Mrs. Tingle gets to him, but he's too late. Mrs. Tingle corners Lenny to remind him that she still hasn't received the learning materials she ordered for summer school. Oh, she's evil, I tell you, evil. Demanding that the school spend money to assist in the education of its students. She's going straight to hell. They do the "I Need It/We Don't Have the Budget" dance, performed as part of every teacher-administrator conflict in the history of education-themed drama, so I'll spare you the play-by-play. Mrs. Tingle, however, adds a new move at the end of this little waltz by congratulating Principal Lenny for four years with AA, then suggesting that she knows he's fallen off the wagon. I think she's going to get those learning materials. Cut to Mrs. Tingle's class. Jo Lynn is dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gives some breathy performance about how she (Marilyn, not Jo Lynn) advised John Kennedy with his presidential problems while they were in the sack. I turn to my notes to write down "zany" and "aspiring actress" to Jo Lynn, only to discover I already have. Because I already got that, thank you very much. She concludes, "Ask not what your mistress can do for you, but what your mistress can do for your country." The answer to that inquiry, if you recall, was "Stand on that steam grate and let America see your panties." The students applaud. Mrs. Tingle is nonplussed: "Thank you, Miss Jordan, for that nauseating distortion of American history." Word. Jo Lynn tries to defend her performance, but Mrs. Tingle slaps her down fourteen different ways, pointing out she has no facts to back up her statements and that her acting stinks, too. Jo Lynn gets pouty because Mrs. Tingle is just so mean and sits down. I'm sorry, who's the villain in this movie again? I guess the villain is "accuracy," which explains a lot about Kevin Williamson's entire body of work. Those evil teachers, requiring that students get their facts straight. They'll never make it writing scripts in Hollywood with that attitude. Mrs. Tingle strides across the classroom, exuding confidence and superiority (a.k.a. "evil" in Williamson's world). She calls on Brian Berry, a cute, bumbling boy who stumbles his way up to the front of the room. Don't you just love cute, bumbling boys? Cute, bumbling Brian yanks out his project, a medieval crossbow he made himself. Sweet. Why don't I ever see boys like you at Renaissance fairs? Umm…not that I go to those things. The class ducks as he yanks the crossbow out, thinking that it's loaded. It's not, but then cute, bumbling Brian proceeds to load the crossbow in front of the class as he explains how it works. And because he is a bumbling boy, the crossbow goes off by accident. The crossbow bolt flies through the class, heading straight for Trudi Gumdrophead's gumdrop head. But that's okay, Trudi Gumdrophead has enough time to hold up her school folder, which I guess must be made out of Kevlar (insert your own joke about violence in schools here), because the arrow gets lodged in it, stopping it from…um…killing her. Rather than shrieking, pissing herself, and fainting (three things I probably would have managed to do -- all at the same time, no less), she just sits there, looking stunned for one brief moment. The rest of the class barely cares. Barry Watson pronounces the incident "cool." This is what they kept in the movie? This crappy little incident is probably far more dangerous than any scene in the film that shows actual violence, simply for the casual manner in which everybody treats the near-death of a student in the middle of class. Except for Mrs. Tingle, because she's…um…evil? After starting with the utterly bizarre command, "Don't tease us, Mr. Berry. When you shoot, make it count," eliciting a wonderful "the hell?" look from Trudi Gumdrophead, she yells at cute, bumbling Brian for being stupid, and tells him that he's broken the law by bringing a weapon to school and to sit down before she has him arrested. Poor, cute, bumbling Brian. If he knew that this crossbow was going to end up getting five times as much screen time as he did in this film, he probably would have built a fort out of Popsicle sticks instead. And I must be an even bigger villain than Mrs. Tingle, because I would have sent cute, bumbling Brian home and gotten him suspended for at least a couple of days. Even if he is cute. Anyway, she calls on Barry Watson, referring to him as "Mr. Churner." So we have a last name for him at least. Should I call him "Stomach Churner," or does that sound too much like a Mad Magazine name? Mr. Churner steps forward, plunks the rock on Mrs. Tingle's desk, and says simply, "Plymouth Rock," before returning to his desk. Mrs. Tingle derides him and tells him she recalls another boy sitting at that desk twenty years ago with "no future" written all over him. Then she tells him to "give [his] father [her] best." Some of the students even go "ooh" over this well-executed snap. I don't know if I would have ever liked a teacher like Mrs. Tingle, but I certainly would love to sit around and have drinks with her. She calls up Leigh Ann, telling her to "dazzle us, will you?" with a wonderful insincere smile and jazz-hands gesture. I can't do it justice in print. It's just this perfect little moment that says, "I utterly loathe the lot of you. Each and every one," without saying it out loud. Leigh Ann brings her leather book to the podium and explains that she has painstakingly recreated an entire year of the journal of a suspected witch during the seventeenth century, documenting actual events written in quill and ink the old fashioned way. Well, isn't that pretentious? Really pretentious. Okay, obviously a lot of work went into it, and assuming she did more research than she did with her scholarship hunt, I'd have to say it's A-worthy by public high school standards. It's certainly more work than I ever put into anything when I was in school. But still -- pretentious. Mrs. Tingle even looks a bit interested as she walks over and grabs the journal from the podium while Leigh Ann talks. Mrs. Tingle interrupts Leigh Ann's speech to read an entry: "October 10, 1692. Another girl was burned at the stake today. I fear William Griggs will point to me . I fear my future will be nothing more than smoldering ashes. If this be true, I pray the wind will carry my ashes far from Gallows Hill, to a place that allows me sing and dance in the open air." And where, exactly, would one find a place where the ashes of dead girls sing and dance? Because that would be the creepiest place ever, and I want to make sure I don't stumble across it. Leigh Ann explains that the girl she modeled the journal on did end up being burned at the stake. Mrs. Tingle responds, "Always the victim, aren't we, Ms. Watson?" Leigh Ann tries to make a case for a comparison between society then and today's society and attempts to describe the situation as "ironic," which causes all the hairs on the back of my neck to stand at attention. Fortunately, Mrs. Tingle is there on my behalf. She slams the journal shut and viciously, derisively explains to Leigh Ann the actual definition of "irony," eliciting a round of applause from the MBTV home office and English teachers everywhere. "For example," Mrs. Tingle explains, "if Miss Watson was expecting an A on her history project, she might find the actual results to be rather ironic." I love you, Mrs. Tingle. She tells Leigh Ann to sit down and calls on Trudi Gumdrophead, who stands up to give her presentation, rather than asking to go to the restroom to clean up the pee stains that should be all over her lower body and chair after being mere inches away from getting shot in the face. Leigh Ann looks terribly disappointed as she wanders the halls after class. She wanders up to a bulletin board where they -- and I am not making this up -- have the students' class rankings posted up there for everyone to see, complete with scores. Excuse my language here, but what the fucking fuck? Aren't those things, like, confidential? In fact, if I recall some vague school confidentiality rules I learned back in my college days, this is a violation of federal law. Trudi Gumdrophead is there to gloat at Leigh Ann, since Trudi outranks her as number one in the class by a single point. Trudi is all snotty and rude because, god forbid, we can't have anybody ranked higher than Leigh Ann who actually deserves to be there. "I'm sorry about that scholarship," Trudi says. "Hope you weren't counting on it. Oh well. Have a nice day." The hell? What scholarship is this, the "Ford Motor Company 'We're Number One' Scholarship for Valedictorians"? You know all those poor salutatorians, having to strut their stuff as topless dancers to work their way through college. Oh, Vivica A. Fox wanders up after Gumdrophead leaves, playing a guidance counselor for one sixty-second scene that nevertheless earns her a spot in the opening credits. She tells Leigh Ann that she can still get the scholarship because she still has one week to "take [Trudi] down." Wow, that's a healthy attitude toward educational achievement. Except replace "healthy" with "horrifyingly unprofessional and emotionally scarring." Leigh Ann whines about Mrs. Tingle hating her. Vivica calls Mrs. Tingle a bitch and says she hates everybody, including Vivica. I hate you, too, after that comment about taking Trudi down. Then she proceeds to call Trudi a bunch of insulting names because she comes from a rich family and says that Trudi's good grades are a result of kissing ass. What a wonderful, professional woman this is, pitting students against each other. What, does she get a commission if Leigh Ann lands this scholarship instead of Trudi? She tells Leigh Ann to believe in herself, then wanders off to collect her well-earned paycheck for that illuminating scene. Cut to the gymnasium, where Leigh Ann and Jo Lynn are working on some sort of extra credit involving seating arrangements for graduation. Stomach Churner shows up, asking if they're interested in a three-way. Ew. He sits down to them and pops open a beer. Leigh Ann freaks because they'll get expelled if he's caught with a beer. Churner asks them if they want one. Jo Lynn says yes, because she's hoping he'll be more open to her advances if she joins him or whatever. If you've ever been desperate to make a good impression on somebody you're interested in who is not quite as interested back, you understand what she's doing. Churner asks Jo Lynn why they've never dated (hey, guess her gambit worked). Jo Lynn prattles off some story about them almost getting close at some party when she was a sophomore. I wouldn't bother mentioning it, but it turns out that this pointless little story isn't so pointless later in the movie. Then Churner asks Leigh Ann why the two of them have never dated. Instead of shooting back that Mrs. Tingle is indeed right and he's a pointless, do-nothing, bland slacker, she begs him to get rid of the beer because she doesn't want to risk not graduating. He offers to help, however, and produces some paperwork. Jo Lynn grabs it out of his hand as he explains that it's the answers to Mrs. Tingle's final. Leigh Ann asks him where he got it, and he says, "You're not the only one with a brain around here." Yeah, because stealing a test from the meanest teacher in school and then waving it around in front of one of the top students is such a smart thing to do. They bicker. Leigh Ann tells Churner to "slither away," but he slides the test into Leigh Ann's backpack. Oh, look. What wonderful timing. In walks Mrs. Tingle. Mrs. Tingle derides Leigh Ann for having to resort to extra credit in the hopes of being valedictorian. The three of them try to book, but as they pass by Mrs. Tingle, she sees the test in Leigh Ann's backpack and snatches it out. She must have used her dark bitch powers to have guessed that a piece of paper sticking out of a student's backpack was a stolen cheat sheet and not just some classwork. Or it was bad writing. Whichever. Leigh Ann tries to explain, but Mrs. Tingle tells her to explain it to Principal Lenny: "The smartest girl in the school caught cheating -- the irony of it all." Oh, Mrs. Tingle has her own musical background theme, which is about as close to sounding like the Wicked Witch of the West's theme from The Wizard of Oz as you can get without opening yourself up to a lawsuit. I think they might just be playing it backwards. Mrs. Tingle answers the door in her scary powder-blue robe, while her scary little adorable pet muffin doggie barks at Jo Lynn. Jo Lynn apologizes for interrupting her, then takes responsibility for stealing the test before breaking into a ludicrous sob story about having a deathly ill mom. Like nobody had ever tried to pull this on a teacher before. Mrs. Tingle's dog yawns. Hee. Mrs. Tingle doesn't buy the story at all. Because she's evil, even though no teacher on earth would have bought it. Because if that story were at all real, there would have been notes and meetings with guidance counselors and all sorts of official stuff. Mrs. Tingle responds, "Poor dear. I pray you're a good waitress." Then she slams the door in Jo Lynn's face. I hope your mom's in the burn unit, Jo Lynn, 'cause you're needing some treatment yourself. Jo Lynn goes back to the others, and after some more bickering, Leigh Ann decides to go up to the door herself. Because, you know, she's going to be so much more credible now that her best friend was caught in a lie. Mrs. Tingle opens her scary French door, which I note has a scary etched image of a pheasant in the glass. Leigh Ann manages to beg her way in to talk. Mrs. Tingle must have been struck by the plot contrivance stick, because she fails to close the door all the way, even though she knows there are other people right outside. As Leigh Ann tries to convince an utterly disinterested Mrs. Tingle that she didn't cheat, Churner notes that the door is still open and drags Jo Lynn up to the house. Inside, Leigh Ann whines, "Do you have any idea what's going to happen to me?" Yes, you'll essentially be playing this same character for your senior year on Dawson's Creek. But without the cheating part. ["Word. That was Andie's department." -- Sars] She claims innocence, and Mrs. Tingle sneers, "Even the innocent sometimes burn at the stake. Now take your sniveling self and get out." Because getting a bad grade and being accused of cheating is just like getting burned alive for simply drawing the wandering eyes of the married men or speaking your mind as if women had a right to do so. Anybody want to hazard a guess at what Kevin Williamson's history grade was? But never mind that, Churner storms in to confront Mrs. Tingle and says he stole the test. Mrs. Tingle doesn't care and tells them all to leave. Jo Lynn runs in as well as Leigh Ann tries to apologize for Churner. Tingle orders them all to leave before she calls the police. Oh, hello, plot contrivance. Churner pulls up cute, bumbling Brian's crossbow, which must have just been sitting around -- loaded -- on her living room table. The girls exclaim, "Luke! Put that down!" Finally, a first name. Should I go with "Puke Churner" or "Lunch Churner"? Eh, I'm getting a little too ponderous with the wisecracks. Soon I'll be dropping anvils myself. We'll just call him Luke. Luke orders Mrs. Tingle to put the phone down. He says, "It's time for Tingle to learn a lesson." Mrs. Tingle looks at him with an expression that says, "Boy, I played Ayn Rand. You are so out of your league." She asks him what she's going to learn. He tells her that she has to learn that she can't treat people the way she does. What, like she's superior to them? Well, nobody has given me any evidence otherwise, so I think she should just run with it myself. Anyway, Leigh Ann shouts Luke's name again, causing him to turn his head to look at her. Tingle takes the moment to grab the crossbow from him and smack him in the face, hard. She orders them to leave again and sets the crossbow down (okay, maybe she's not that superior) so that she can call the police. Luke grabs her, and they struggle. Jo Lynn grabs the crossbow up from the table to try to get Tingle to back off from Luke, but trips over the little barking muffin dog and shoots the bolt. The bolt glances off the side of Tingle's forehead, and she goes down. The three kids freak. Jo Lynn wants to run away, but Leigh Ann says they can't. Luke checks Tingle out to discover that her forehead is bleeding, but she's just unconscious, not dead. They bicker about what to do. It's as tedious as you can imagine. If it was worth it, I'd cut and paste the scene from the recap of I Know What You Did Last Summer when they ran over the fisherman and just change the names. But I don't care that much. Anyway, they do the only reasonable thing they can do with an injured teacher -- they bring her upstairs to bed and tie her down. They quarrel some more about what to do . Leigh Ann thinks they'll be able to reason with her when she wakes up. Yes, of course. That seems likely. Everybody's behaved so reasonably up until now. Leigh Ann needs to run home to check on her mom, who, she explains, tends to fall asleep with cigarettes burning. If that doesn't rank among the five lamest plot contrivances ever, I don't know what does. Hello, Leigh Ann, they have these fancy new inventions called telephones. You can talk to people without being in the same room as them. You can say, "Mom, put out that cigarette and go to bed." Luke makes some crack about Mrs. Tingle looking like Regan in The Exorcist. Leigh Ann tells him not to "screw this up," because they're on the road to victory and all with Leigh Ann's brilliant "Talk Reasonably To The Stone Cold Bitch While She's Tied to Her Bed" scenario. Leigh Ann heads home, her "poor little me" face in full bloom. Sure enough, her mother is asleep in bed with the television on and a cigarette in her hand. The camera pans from Mom's face, down her uniform, lingering on her plastic name tag long enough for me needlepoint "I Get It!" onto a sampler to hang over my fireplace. If I had one. Leigh Ann takes the cigarette out of mom's hand, waking her up. Mom asks if her project went over well, and Leigh Ann lies that it did. Mom's all proud and hugs Leigh Ann, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the actual expression on the girl's face is similar to that of a person walking down that last stretch to the electric chair. Mom falls back asleep. Meanwhile, back at the evil, scary dream home, Jo Lynn is pathetically watching over Luke, who is asleep on the floor of Mrs. Tingle's bedroom. She tries to kiss him, but is interrupted by the sound of Mrs. Tingle pulling on her bindings as she wakes up. In the only camera shot in this whole film that rises above bare mediocrity, we slowly pan up from the foot of the bed to Mrs. Tingle's face, full of enough pure black hatred to power ten thousand Death Stars. And then, a second later, her expression melts seamlessly to that of helpless victim. She begs Jo Lynn to untie her and complains that she's in pain. She says her vision is blurry and begs Jo Lynn to call an ambulance after she unties her. Jo Lynn falls for it. She unties her and starts apologizing. She doesn't get very far, though, as Mrs. Tingle rises up righteous and starts to strangle the girl. Unfortunately, Luke pops up with the crossbow and that horrible hair, looking like a singularly ugly Charlie's Angel in an episode taking place in a medieval castle. They tie Tingle back to the bed, gagging her this time. Jo Lynn compliments Tingle on her performance. You know, like "actress to actress." Because Jo Lynn's an aspiring actress. They have to remind us, because it's quite possible that the amount of drugs necessary to endure this film might cause the viewer to forget that information. Luke takes Jo Lynn out in the hall to chat. He tells her to go home and he'll handle things. She decides that right now -- after having been choked and all -- is the perfect time to move in for the nookie. She plants a kiss on Luke, who pushes her away, saying this is the wrong time for kissing. Tingle sees it all from the bed. Morning. Leigh Ann returns to prepare breakfast for Tingle in her scary giant French provincial kitchen with a center island and everything. Jo Lynn bounces in and starts doing some zany voice exercises. Because she's…oh, right, you get it, too. Sorry. She calls the school and pretends to be Mrs. Tingle. Her impersonation isn't bad, really. Molly Ringwald answers the phone, and Jo Lynn (as Mrs. Tingle) tells Molly that she's come down with the flu and will be out a few days. Principal Lenny is there. He and Molly celebrate. Because everybody hates…oh, you say you get that, too? Sorry. It's all starting to rub off on me. If I start confusing "whining" with "intellect" and "codependency" with "romance," will you please kill me? Back at school, Trudi Gumdrophead wanders past Leigh Ann and says something mean. Whatever. Luke comes by and asks Leigh Ann what she's reading. It's some sort of criminal law handbook. She tells Luke that they're looking at charges for several crimes, including criminal assault and conspiracy to cover up a crime. Well, bloody duh. If she's the smartest kid in this whole school, then maybe there is only one scholarship available. Oh, and don't forget kidnapping. She says the only way they'll get out of this is to convince a jury that they're the victims. Luke says, "We were victims. That woman drove us to drastic measures." Oh, I see. This is the "Bitch Panic" defense. If you can't reason with somebody because they're mean, then you have no choice but to break the law. Shut up, Pukehead. Leigh Ann points out that kidnapping her for eighteen hours goes beyond drastic measures. Luke apologizes and then offers to convince Tingle to cooperate. Cut back to scary dream house, where Jo Lynn is giving Tingle some pills. Tingle's all nice-nice, but then asks Jo Lynn if she ever tires of being Leigh Ann's "second banana." Jo Lynn denies it, but Tingle twists the love-triangle knife into the girl's gut by asking her why Leigh Ann ended up with the "leading man." Please do not use those words in connection with Barry Watson. I shudder at the thought. Jo Lynn says that Leigh Ann hates Luke, but Tingle tells her she needs to learn to "read between the lines." Apropos of nothing, what are they doing when Mrs. Tingle has to go to the bathroom? Actually, perhaps that's apropos of something after all. Except I don't know how to use the word "apropos" in any other context. Anyway, Leigh Ann and Luke arrive right after Mrs. Tingle finishes tormenting Jo Lynn. What amazing timing. That's totally not predictable and contrived. Oh wait, this time I seem to have an extra "not." But, then again, I don't think I can use "Not!" enough in conjunction with this film. Leigh Ann calls Jo Lynn downstairs to talk about "Plan B." So Luke's brilliant idea is to blackmail Tingle with scandalous photos of the two of them in compromising positions. That would work for me. I mean, not because Tingle's a teacher and Luke is a student. I would be embarrassed to be seen naked with that pale, limp-haired scoop of low-calorie vanilla ice milk regardless of my age. I'd probably be laughed out of town. Leigh Ann doesn't like the idea because it's "wrong and immoral." Luke points out, "So is she." Save it for the jury, dude. Jo Lynn tries to convince her to go ahead with the plan. Leigh Ann says, "This can't be the only way to get into college." Oh, but it is, Leigh Ann -- it is. All across the country teachers are being tied up and kidnapped as we speak. That's why your college loan application was rejected. You forgot to include Form 1332-B, Police Report of Teacher Abuse. God, could this be any more stupid? Forget I asked. I'm sure it will be. Anyway, they finally convince Leigh Ann. They talk about how the plan will work. Oh, and the house has all those nifty floor grates for central heating, through which Mrs. Tingle is hearing the whole thing. An ovary sings as Leigh Ann wanders through the scary dream house. She sees all the student projects, which have been graded. She opens up her leather journal to see that Mrs. Tingle gave her a C. Oh, no! The world shall surely end for Leigh Ann now, right? A lifetime of serving coffee because she got a single C. Eh -- I have nothing to add, other than to read the recap for "Self Reliance." Upstairs, Luke is feeding Mrs. Tingle. She acts somewhat flirty. Then she brings up Leigh Ann and how Luke is attracted to her. He says Leigh Ann's not interested in him, but Tingle suggests otherwise, then makes a repulsive allusion to Cleopatra and Antony. Luke says he and Leigh Ann already had their moment and it passed. Tingle convinces him to explain. Turns out he ran into her in some party when they were sophomores. She was uncomfortable there, and the two of them spent the whole night in the bathroom hanging out. That was actually rather subtle. The first time I saw this, I had forgotten about Jo Lynn's story about this party earlier. Mrs. Tingle says, "Sounds incredibly Zhivago." Oh, look. My skin. It's crawling. Can we not refer to any piece of literature that would not be classified as "young adult" in relationship with Luke, please? Anyway, the day, Leigh Ann acted like he didn't exist. Oh, look, in comes Leigh Ann. "Enter, Ophelia," says Mrs. Tingle. Leigh Ann gives her a "the hell?" look. As do I. Whatever. Jo Lynn comes in with a disposable camera. They start their little blackmail scheme. Luke starts to undo his pants. Ew. Ew. Ew. Make it stop! I want my mommy! They all stop when they hear the gate open. Luke rushes over the window to look outside. It's Coach Wenchell, walking his bike into the front yard. I love you, Coach Wenchell. I owe you my eyeballs. The kids panic as Wenchell approaches the house. Jo Lynn gags Tingle as the other two head downstairs. Wenchell rings the doorbell and knocks. He's holding flowers. He uses a key from under the flowerpot outside to get in. Leigh Ann and Luke hide in some room to a painting that probably costs thousands of dollars. Wenchell works his way upstairs. Jo Lynn locks herself in the room with Tingle, keeping Wenchell from coming in by again impersonating Tingle and telling him she's not feeling well. Winchell says, "It's me, Spanky." Ugh. My skin has crawled off my body and is hiding in the bathroom until this movie is over. Wenchell says, "I miss my chilly mama," causing Jo Lynn to scream. Like, ha ha. Not (tm Sars). Jo Lynn tries to get Wenchell to leave. Mrs. Tingle is making all sorts of noise and thumping the bed, which Jo Lynn is trying to cover up as coughing, et cetera. Wenchell says, "I want my pom poms." My skin draws a bath, because it knows it's going to have to soak for a while. Jo Lynn tells him to go downstairs and she'll come down in a few minutes. He does as she says, singing "Like a Virgin" on the way down. My ears pop off my head and join my skin in the tub. Good thing I can read lips. Jo Lynn decides to go for some improv. She pulls out a scarf and a robe, puts on some of Tingle's perfume, and grabs the camera and a bottle of wine. She goes downstairs and shuts off the lights. She tells Wenchell to close his eyes, and then she takes his glasses off and blindfolds him. He thinks he's in for a hot time. Jo Lynn makes him drink the wine. Time passes. It begins to rain. Wenchell has a high tolerance for alcohol. They've gone through several bottles of wine. Wenchell mutters something about loving it when Tingle blows in his ear. And, of course, when she spanks him, which grosses everyone out. Hey, maybe that's where Tingle gets the money for her house. I hear that professional dominatrixes (-matrices? -matrici? Where's my copy of The Transitive Vampire when I need it?) make a lot of money. Anyway, Jo Lynn tells him to drink some more as Luke pours him another drink. Wenchell follows the noise and grabs Luke's hand. Then he starts kissing it. Jo Lynn tries to get him to let go while Luke tries to slap Spanky's hand away, but this, of course, turns him on even more. So then he leaps up and plants a big ol' kiss on Luke, and then he passes out. You would think that Williamson, being openly gay and all, wouldn't resort to lame humor regarding people with non-traditional sexual proclivities. You'd be wrong, though. Anyway, the kids drag the coach up to the bed. Turns out the coach is married, so this will be quite a scandal. Tingle says they'll deny everything, but Jo Lynn points out that it doesn't matter. It'll be "a scandal." Ah, do you get it? If not, Luke says, "just look at the current climate. Facts are no longer relevant." So they're, like, doing to Mrs. Tingle what she was going to do to Leigh Ann. Get it? Get it? I'll stop now. My fingers are warning me that if I get any more condescending they'll join my skin and ears in the tub. Photos are taken. Tingle still has a giant bloody bandage on her forehead, which will, duh, raise a lot of questions regarding the validity of the photos. I mean, people aren't generally that kinky. So they drag Wenchell back downstairs. Leigh Ann tells Jo Lynn to stay behind while she and Luke drop Wenchell off at home and drop off the film. Jo Lynn whines about always having to stay behind and asks Leigh Ann if there's something going on between them, and of course Leigh Ann doesn't know what Jo Lynn's talking about. More fodder for the lust triangle. If anybody cares. Nobody cares, do they? I didn't think so. So Leigh Ann and Luke drive Wenchell back in Luke's truck and deposit him on the front porch of his house. Joe Lynn sneaks a peek through the window to see Mrs. Wenchell reading. The Symphony of Becoming Just Like One's Enemy plays while Leigh Ann adds "Peeping Tom" to her list of broken laws. Maybe she's not so different from Luke after all. Luke drags her back to the truck. Back at the scary dream home, Jo Lynn is going through Mrs. Tingle's fabulous collection of scary robes. Jo Lynn plays with the dog some more. Can we move along, folks? We don't have all night. Tingle derides Jo Lynn's acting some more. Jo Lynn asks Mrs. Tingle if she's been in love, pointing out that she is a "Mrs." and wondering what became of the "Mr." Mrs. Tingle says her husband left her. Jo Lynn wants details. Tingle explains that she also planned to leave Grandsboro once, before she fell in love with this guy. They got married, but then the guy cheated on her with her best friend. She plays this up to the hilt: "The one I trusted with all my heart. Lying to me. Betraying me. Stealing the only man I ever loved. While I played the poor, pitiful sidekick." Heyyy, waitaminute. This sounds familiar. Wait, don't tell me. It'll come to me. Yes…yes…no. Darn it. Well, if I figure out what this reminds me of, I'll let you know. Tingle looks meaningfully at Jo Lynn, who looks horrified. She calls Tingle a liar and says there's nothing going on between Leigh Ann and Luke. Who said there was? Jeez, aren't we stretching to find a comparison? Oh, wait. Wait. There's the…nope. Lost it again. Darn it. Tingle tells Jo Lynn that Leigh Ann and Luke have been seeing each other secretly since tenth grade. She repeats the story Luke told her about hanging out in the bathroom. Jo Lynn says that Leigh Ann is her friend. Tingle responds, "It looks like I'm the closest thing you have to a friend." Jo Lynn says she doesn't believe Tingle, though she's nearly crying. Tingle: "You're not too quick, Jo Lynn. You might just make it as an actress after all." Hee. It's not nice to burn people who are on the edge of a total freakout, but hee nevertheless. Meanwhile, Luke drops off the film at a photo shop that has a big blue neon sign that says "One Hour Photo." Leigh Ann is crying quietly in the truck, but it's not obvious because she's all wet from the rain. Luke comes back to say that they can pick the photos up anytime tomorrow after three. Hello? Is it too much to ask for continuity within in the same scene, folks? What, are they getting slides made? The lack of scholarship funds available to the townsfolk of Grandsboro is beginning to make a lot more sense now. Luke tries to cheer Leigh Ann up by telling her it will all be over soon and everything will be okay. He knows this lawyer that gets abusive husbands off with the "Bitch Panic" defense all the time, so this should be a breeze. They return to scary dream house. They call for Jo Lynn, but she's nowhere to be found. Tingle, still tied to that damned bed, which does not appear to be urine-soaked to me, tells Leigh Ann that Jo Lynn went home because she was tired of being Leigh Ann's lapdog. And I'm tired of having to write two names for each of the girls, believe you me. Leigh Ann calls Jo Lynn's house. Jo Lynn's mom answers. She has a mom! Amazing. Mom tells Leigh Ann that Jo Lynn said to say she's not home if Leigh Ann calls (hee -- dontcha love moms?) and adds that she hopes the two of them will work out whatever they're fighting over tomorrow. Tingle and Leigh Ann give each other stink eyes. Leigh Ann hangs up. Then Leigh Ann harangues Tingle, wanting to know why she's so bent on destroying her. Umm, hello? Bound to bed, blackmail photos -- any of that ring a bell? Tingle says she doesn't want to destroy Leigh Ann, she wants to "teach her." Kevin Williamson -- oh, sorry -- Leigh Ann rants, "That's bullshit. You hide behind your degree, but the reality is that you're jealous of every student you teach. You never got out of this town, did you? You went to high school here, now you teach here, and you're gonna to die here. And you resent anyone who has a future, anyone who's going to get out and have a life." So if you live in a small town, that means you have no life and are an utter failure? God, shut up, Leigh Ann. You, too, Kevin. Tingle: "No, I resent what you're going to do with that life. Selfish, mindless pursuits of your generation will only bring us closer to destruction and I despise it." Leigh Ann tells Tingle she has only herself to blame if that happens, being a teacher and all. Tingle shoots back that poor Leigh Ann is trying to play up that innocent "Salem Witch" comparison again. Leigh Ann responds, "Ironic, isn't it?" Uh, no. Tingle: "You still don't know what that word means. [Word.] Metaphoric, yes. Symbolic, maybe. But there's no irony involved. Will you please look that word up?" Yes, please. And when you're done with the dictionary, would you please bring it back with you to Wilmington? And stop by Sars's on the way. I'm sure she has some words she wants to highlight in there. ["I'll be using it to inflict blunt-force trauma, but thanks for thinking of me!" -- Sars] There's more argument. Tingle tells Leigh Ann that she's scared: "You lived your whole life in fear. Terrified of making a mistake. Scared to death you won't get that A, that scholarship, that ticket out. Afraid you'll never escape your mother and her name tag, or your father, who won't return your calls." She adds that Leigh Ann shuns the boys because she's afraid she'll mess up and get pregnant and get stuck here. "I know all about it, Leigh Ann. I wrote the book! I. Know. You." And then thunder booms. Really. And excuse me, but I hope nobody expects me to believe that the dream house lady is stuck in this town. She could sell that sucker and move pretty much anywhere she wanted to and start over. And, of course, we can't have anybody voluntarily deciding to stay in a small town. No, the purpose of small towns is so that really smart people have someplace horrible to grow up in. It builds character. Nobody's supposed to enjoy living there. Anyhow, the dialogue here is just horrible, as you can read, but both Helen and Katie do great jobs with what they have. Helen is every inch the angry woman who has squandered her talents, and Katie is utterly terrified of this woman's power. Leigh Ann stumbles out of the room, holding back tears. Downstairs, Luke has built a fire in the fireplace. Leigh Ann joins him. Oh, look. Wet, angry, teen sex. Leigh Ann jumps him and starts making out with him. Woo, Leigh Ann's a top. And she's wearing a bra. Too bad Katie didn't bring both the assertiveness and the bra back with her to Capeside. Eww. Barry's chest. Chicken, anybody? Poor Mrs. Tingle can hear it all upstairs through the ducts. She starts struggling to escape. Obviously the horror of having to listen to those two go at it has caused the adrenaline to run full force, and she manages to pull part of the bed frame apart by her wrist. Eww. More Barry chest. The two are lying together wrapped in a red blanket. AIEEEEE! You can see the start of Barry's pubes! This is so not fair. Aaron gets Wonder Boys and I get Barry Watson's pubes? I am so calling Amnesty International. My eyeballs roll out of my head and into the tub with my ears and skin, leaving me temporarily unable to continue the recap. I beg them all to come back. They agree, as long as I promise to take them to see Before Night Falls this weekend. Anyway, Luke has found Tingle's grade book. He suggests changing Leigh Ann's grade, but even with an A, Trudi Gumdrophead would still end up valedictorian. So he suggests changing Trudi's grade, too. Leigh Ann says that's not right, but Luke responds, "What's right anymore?" Excuse me, Heathers called. They said to step the hell off unless you'd like a Drano enema. Leigh Ann goes ahead and changes their grades. You know what? Luke is really the villain in this movie, not Tingle. Every single thing the kids do that gets them further into trouble is all Luke's idea. I knew there was a reason I despised him. Morning at scary dream home. Luke is going to watch Tingle while Leigh Ann goes to school to find out what's wrong with Jo Lynn and picks up the pictures at the "900 Minutes Equals One Hour" photo lab. At school, Leigh Ann sneaks into the guidance counselor's office and drops off the grade book. Why the guidance counselor's office? Don't ask me, I just recap here. I'm sure there's several steps before grades get from the teacher to the guidance counselor, like through department secretaries and such, but whatever. Cut to Molly Ringwald's history class. She's lecturing about Napoleon and Josephine. She calls Josephine a "slutbag whore" and Napoleon a "short, little asshole." My skin threatens to peel off again. Jo Lynn is in class, but refuses to acknowledge Leigh Ann. There's cute, bumbling Brian. Aww. After class, Jo Lynn stomps off and Leigh Ann chases after her as Molly posts the final project grades. Hey, Trudi Gumdrophead has her hair pulled back in a ponytail today. Too bad, the name has stuck. She freaks out because she got a B on her project. Back at scary dream house, Luke brings breakfast up to Tingle's room. He opens the door and walks in, but the bed is empty. The door swings shut behind him, and we hear several crashes and a grunt of pain from Luke. Oh yeah. Fire up that stove, Tingle. Today's theme ingredient on Iron Chef is pasty WB boyflesh. At school, Molly Ringwald goes chasing after Leigh Ann. Molly tells her that they've discovered that some of the grades for history class had been altered, including hers. Leigh Ann says, "That's impossible," but Molly says they just talked to Mrs. Tingle. Oh, she is so busted. Leigh Ann runs off. She confronts Jo Lynn, thinking that she called in and pretended to be Tingle to get back at Leigh Ann. Jo Lynn says she doesn't understand what Leigh Ann's talking about. Jo Lynn must have gotten a dye job in the middle of the night, because her hair appears to be redder than it was previously. Jo Lynn confronts Leigh Ann about her interest in Luke, demanding to know if they had sex. Leigh Ann admits it and apologizes. Jo Lynn busts Leigh Ann and tells her that she's no innocent, and that she's just like Tingle. Except she's not nearly as smart. Or witty. Jo Lynn stomps off. Leigh Ann runs back to the house, realizing that it wasn't Jo Lynn who called, and therefore Tingle might be free. She wanders through the house calling for Luke. She goes up to the bedroom and sees somebody tied to the bed wearing a robe -- and a lampshade concealing the head. "Mrs. Tingle," Leigh Ann asks. Yeah, Leigh Ann, she got a little tipsy and decided to party down. How dumb are you? She pulls the lampshade off to find Luke, which comes as a surprise to absolutely nobody but Leigh Ann. She runs downstairs because she hears a sound. She searches for Tingle. They try to play this off as some scary, intense scene, and totally fail. I mean, she's a mean teacher, not a serial killer. Come on. Anyway, they confront each other. Tingle explains she called Principal Lenny and told him her version of the story: she caught Leigh Ann cheating, so Leigh ANn and Luke stormed the house and held her prisoner. Leigh Ann says she won't go along with that. Why not? It's pretty accurate. Tingle pulls the crossbow on Leigh Ann and tells her she's going to look good in a name tag. Leigh Ann whines that Tingle just wants to see her fail. Blah blah blah. Leigh Ann says she won't let Tingle get away with it. But then Jo Lynn walks in to say that Tingle will. She offers to be Tingle's alibi. What the hell does Tingle need an alibi for? She's not the one who broke the law. Anyway, Jo Lynn, pissed at Leigh Ann's betrayal, went and picked up the blackmail photos. Without them Leigh Ann has nothing to use against Tingle. Jo Lynn saunters over to Tingle, who looks all smug, now that she's the one with the zany sidekick. But then, in the most dramatic moment of a zany aspiring actress deception since Shelley Long's character pretended to get shot in Outrageous Fortune, Jo Lynn pushes Tingle down and grabs the crossbow, snarling, "Don't tell me I can't act." She points the crossbow at Tingle, but -- oops, Tingle's holding the arrow. The girls run. Tingle chases Leigh Ann and starts smashing her against the walls. The background music tries to suggest to me that the kids are on the run from Freddie, Jason, Michael Myers, Chuckie, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, and possibly Lou Pearlman, and not some pissed-off teacher. Come on folks, get a grip. Both Tingle and Leigh Ann are bleeding. Jo Lynn tries to pull Tingle off of Leigh Ann, and they accidentally push Tingle down the stairs, where she lies limp. Leigh Ann goes down to see if Tingle's alive. She leans down. Tingle's eyes pop open, and she tries to strangle Leigh Ann. Leigh Ann breaks free and runs for the door. The music attempts to suggest to me that we're watching an epic battle scene in a Conan movie. Pipe down, brass section! It's a damn history teacher. Leigh Ann tries to unlock the front doors as Tingle loads and shoots the crossbow. Leigh Ann opens the doors, but the arrow goes through the frosted glass window, shattering it and striking her. The girl falls to a heap on the floor. Mrs. Tingle looks shocked, realizing that she's flipped her lid. She slowly walks over to the body. But then the other front door swings shut and Leigh Ann is standing there. I immediately rewind to see if they actually showed Leigh Ann going through the doors. They didn't. It's actually Trudi Gumdrophead, who must have come to the house to complain about her grade. We see an arrow sticking out of her, but no blood. Leigh Ann leans down to feel her neck for a pulse. Then she tells Mrs. Tingle that she killed Trudi. Mrs. Tingle freaks, because she didn't mean to hurt anybody. Just then Principal Lenny storms in and sees Trudi and wants to know what happened. Leigh Ann tells Tingle to confess, which she does. Principal Lenny is horrified. Tingle admits that she wanted Leigh Ann to fail. And now she's gone and killed Trudi. And then, brought back to life by the overcooked strings on the score, Trudi sits up and exclaims, "A B? I don't think so." Once again, the arrow actually got lodged in her Kevlar-coated notebook, which she was holding up to her chest. At least she fainted this time. In fact, she faints again after her announcement, perhaps making up for her failure to respond appropriately the last time she was nearly killed. Principal Lenny calls the police and tells Tingle she's fired. And then of course, the police are going to take the kids away and charge them with kidnapping and assault, right? Right? Oh, look. It seems the "Bitch Panic" defense actually works. We cut to graduation, where Leigh Ann is being presented with that one scholarship. All the kids applaud sedately in their graduation outfits, which are no doubt covering the fast-food uniforms they'll be stuffing themselves into for the rest of their lives because Leigh Ann got the only scholarship on Earth. End credits. So, like, if somebody's a bitch and doesn't do what you want them to and doesn't answer to reason, feel free to inflict any number of felonies on them. Because eventually they'll crack and commit a felony in return, and, you know, all your crimes get cancelled out. Keep that in mind, David E. Kelley, if you run out of bizarre defenses to use in either of your lawyer shows.