So is it me, or is it Hollywood? I mean, am I the only one who finds himself consistently and repeatedly rooting for the villains -- arch, witty, intelligent, and stylish -- to triumph over the alleged heroes -- usually a whiny collection of brats whose unfounded sense of entitlement frequently eclipses any actual personality traits that could be considered admirable? Take a look at Disney cartoons: Eartha Kitt, Jeremy Irons, and James Woods versus David Spade, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and Tate Donovan. I mean, can there be any question as to which team's banner we should be waving?
I'm just saying this as advance warning for my recap of the Kevin Williamson-Katie Holmes vehicle (and that vehicle is a rusted-out, stripped-down 1972 Chevelle sitting on cinderblocks in the "Godawful Estates" trailer park) known as Teaching Mrs. Tingle. The title, if you weren't aware, was altered from the Congressional-Task-Force-on-Teens-and-Violence-in-the-Media-unfriendly original, Killing Mrs. Tingle, because of Columbine and all. Because violent titles lead to violent kids. You remember that horrible rash of matricides following the release of Throw Mama from the Train, don't you? I've read that the ending was changed, too. Again, they claim it was the whole "violence" thing, but I suspect that the original ending featured Helen Mirren just sitting in front of the camera, crying and shrieking, "What have I done? What have I done to deserve this? Please, somebody, put me out of my misery! I just needed to keep my work visa valid. I had no idea it would result in such torment!" for fifteen minutes and it didn't test well with preview audiences.
Anyway, some Jewel-sounding woman croons about "trying to try" and "waiting for nothing" and other offenses to the ear of anybody who, like me, prefers evocative lyrics that make sense. The camera pans through a room full of trophies, certificates, ribbons, and books. Obviously Williamson got a larger budget for "props that indicate high-school intelligentsia" than the director of Varsity Blues. The camera lands on Leigh Ann "Joey II: Return to the Wrong Side of the Tracks" Watson, busy putting the last touches on what appears to be a summer-camp advanced leatherwork diary project.
Mom wanders in, wearing the drab colors of the only job working-class women in Hollywood's America ever have -- the diner waitress. Mom is exhausted from pulling a double shift, but comes in to swoon at Leigh Ann's project anyway. Mama Exposition asks Leigh Ann whether she'll find out about her scholarship today. Leigh Ann tells her not until after finals. She'll only find out her class ranking today. But she did find out that her grant and loan applications were declined. So she's pinning all her hopes on a single scholarship. I'm going to avoid extended comment on this ludicrous contrivance -- for now. Not because it isn't completely and utterly stupid. There's only one scholarship for which she is qualified? But because issues like these have been discussed ad nauseam on the Dawson's boards over similar nonsense on that show this season. I'll only add that you practically have to be in prison for a felony to not qualify for even a small college loan.
Teaching Mrs. Tingle
Leigh Ann runs out to catch a ride with somebody driving a pretty red convertible. Katie Holmes looks absolutely terrible here. Her bangs are pulled up over the top of her head to a ponytail in the back, while the rest hangs limply around her face. And she's wearing an incredibly ugly plaid mini-skirt that is very unflattering to her legs. She looks like a Catholic schoolgirl who spent last night sleeping on a bench in the bus station.
We cut to Grandsboro High School as the credits roll. Helen Mirren gets top billing in the cast. As well she should. She should have been listed before Kevin Williamson. In fact, they should repeat her name after every other name in the credits. Because she absolutely owns this movie. ["And she's trying to sell it on eBay." -- Sars]
School crowd shots. Cliques as far as the eye can see. Leigh Ann and her friend Jo Lynn "Call Central Casting for a Zany Redhead" Jordan (played by Marisa "Who?" Coughlan) are trying to find a parking space. Leigh Ann needs Jo Lynn's prediction about where she'll be in twenty years for the last issue of the school newspaper. What is with their names? Are they Dixie Chicks or something? Anyway, Jo Lynn recites some unfunny cynical prediction about being a drug-addicted movie star with a gay husband for the singular purpose of telegraphing to us that she's an aspiring actress. And zany. Don't forget zany.
Oh, she's a zany expositionist as well. She helps Leigh Ann write her own prediction: "Leigh Ann Watson, famous journalist, wins the Pulitzer Prize for her personal yet searing account of being a thirty-eight-year-old virgin." The Pulitzer family calls in a hit on Kevin Williamson. You would think our budding reporter would have picked up on the concept of research, especially as it pertains to the, oh, I don't know, millions of scholarships out there. Oh, and in case you forget which one is Katie Holmes, remember: Leigh Ann = virgin.
The two girls park and head towards the school. They greet a girl named Trudi, who has been saddled with a very unfortunate flat-straight-and-curled-inward-at-the-bottom hairstyle, making her head look like an auburn-colored gumdrop. She's holding a rather large model of the Bastille as her project. (My birthday is Bastille Day. Shout-out?) Trudi Gumdrophead is all snippy with Leigh Ann and Jo Lynn, so we know there must be something wrong with her.