Wow, I wonder if I even remember how to do this. It's been a while since we've had a new episode. Who are these people? What is my name? Where am I? What have I been drinking? Okay, those are probably questions for my therapist, so let's just get into this. Previously, on Dawson's Creek: Deputy Doug had issues with Pacey's new high-paying job, Dawson's movie career tanked, and Joey and Pacey made out in a Wal-Mart.
We open in Pacey's apartment. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it primarily Emma's apartment? Did Pacey and Jack take over the lease when she, you know, vanished into thin air? On the other hand, considering how much shit I gave the writers for devoting an episode to Joey waiting in the Add/Drop line last year, I guess I shouldn't complain about being denied a scene about transferring a lease. Anyway, Pacey is watching the enormous television that Emma's erstwhile fiancé broke a couple of weeks ago. I'll just assume that this is a new television that looks exactly like the old one. Maybe Pacey invested in some Big Screen Insurance? I don't know. Anyway, he surfs through the channels, starting with It Happened One Night and flipping through any number of things, landing on something I should probably recognize but don't, in which a man in period dress says, "The problem is, you can only marry one of us." Off-screen, a woman tells him that, if she didn't know better, she'd think he was jealous. Hey, is that supposed to remind us of anything? Because I'm not entirely sure that I see the parallel. It sounds familiar, but I'm just not sure. Something about this exchange -- I can't think what! -- prompts Pacey to think of Joey, and he gets off the sofa and walks to the window. He stares dreamily out at Liberty Hell's Kitchen, clearly thinking about his one true love: beer. Or, you know, Joey. Whatever. And by the way, Joshua Jackson has finally taken about ten pounds of hair off his pompadour, and this new haircut, plus his freshly-shaved face, combine to make him look about five years younger and twenty-five times cuter than he has all season. After several minutes of swoon-worthy gazing, he closes the window and puts on a coat. He opens his front door and finds Joey, her hand raised as if to knock. Katie Holmes looks very pretty here, mostly because her hair is tied back and it looks all one color. I know Katie Holmes is trying to grow out her roots or something, but this two-tone hair thing is looking more and more horrific as the weeks pass. Has she never heard of a semi-permanent rinse? She could temporarily dye her hair something approximating her natural color and by the time it rinsed out, she could just chop three inches off the bottom -- which she needs to do anyway -- and there you go. Does no one else read InStyle?
At any rate, Pacey certainly looks pleased to see her. Joey apologizes for her bad timing, and Pacey assures her that it's "cosmic timing," because he was on his way to see her. They sputter inarticulately for about ten minutes, until Joey invites herself inside. Pacey offers her something to drink, then wonders if she'd like to order a pizza. Joey sort of half smiles at him and tells him that what she really wants is for them to "stop being so polite." And, I assume, for them start getting real. Wait, that's a totally different show. Pacey snarks that he's been meaning to "emotionally abuse her" for weeks, so that sounds like a great plan. I feel like this show has been emotionally abusing me for the past two years. Joey makes her Pacey, You Silly Boy, Please Take Me Seriously face, and then they stare at each other for an hour, and then she asks him if he regrets telling her what he told her, and he asks if she regrets hearing it, and she's all, "Have you met me? I love it when people tell me they love me and, for your information, that happens to me all the time." Actually, she tells him that it's hard to regret "hearing something that's already been in the back of your mind." Pacey grins charmingly as Joey sits at the breakfast bar and tells him that she regrets "reality as just a general concept." She asks him if he remembers reading Choose Your Own Adventure books as a child. Pacey reminds her that he was "pretty much a functional illiterate until the ninth grade," which may be true, but dude, those books were tailor-made for the functionally illiterate, because they had, like, ten words to a page. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed them myself, and I actually think whoever came up with the concept is a genius and ought to be very rich right now, but they're hardly Little Women. Joey briefly explains the concept of the Choose Your Own Adventure series (which, for those of you unfamiliar with the books, is basically thus: the books are structured so the reader is the protagonist and gets to choose what happens. For example: "You are in the woods. A mountain lion charges you. If you run away screaming, turn to page 12. If you try to wrestle the lion to the ground, turn to page 56." Eighty percent of the time, you end up dying. Good times). She then tells Pacey, very sadly, that she consistently "cheated on" those books. She'd just go back to the beginning until she got a happy ending. Pacey quite rightly points out that everybody did that. It was sort of the point of the books. Joey, very concerned, whines that it's not a very realistic way to lead your life. Um, I hardly think the Choose Your Own Adventure books are blueprints for life, as they had thousands of grade schoolers being tortured by the Incas (the Inca book being my own personal favorite in the series. Let's not ask what that said about my elementary school-era psyche). ["It could be worse. I was a Your Code Name Is Jonah woman myself." -- Sars]
So, Pacey asks Joey why she thinks "one false move is going to ruin [their] entire story." Joey just looks at him. "History," she finally says. "That was then," Pacey points out, leaning over to look into her eyes. He points out that they're older now, that they've changed. "I'm not going to run out on you if I don't like your choice," he says. Joey blinks and wonders what it is that he's afraid of, then. "That the whole possibility thing is just a mean trick," he says softly. At this, Joey stands up and announces that "[she] doesn't like this chapter. It's too negative." Well, Joey, I hear that the best way to solve that kind of problem is to run away from it, so you're totally on the right track. Way to go! Pacey calmly explains that he's just playing through the "worst case scenarios" because he wants to make sure that they're grown up enough to be together without "replaying [their] past history." Dude, if we have to replay their past history, I quit. Joey looks up at him plaintively. "I'd really like to look into our future," Pacey tells her. I don't know how Josh Jackson manages to say these lines without sounding supremely cheesy, but let's all be grateful that he somehow manages. He tells her that he just doesn't want her to hold his "prior history" against him. Joey looks at the ground as The Tinkly Piano Music Of The Other Soulmates -- You Know, The Pair That People Actually Care About plays in the background. She whispers that they've both said things they regret. "But we've changed, haven't we?" she asks. Pacey gazes at her lower lip. "Yeah," he breathes. Joey stares dreamily back at him. Pacey stutters that he's going to go "think about things," and she probably ought to go think about things, and, in fact, she should probably actually leave, before he loses his ability to think about things. Because, I presume, all the blood is rushing from his brain.
Joey smiles at him. Oh, you two! Just make out already! "Pace, I don't know," Joey says. "Don't you think this is a little too delicate to handle without a plan?" Pacey grins and says that, while he appreciates her love of organized living, he doesn't exactly know how to schedule life-changing decisions. Joey admits that she just needs to know who's going to call whom and when. Mid-plan-making, however, Pacey stops her. "Like you've ever needed an excuse to call," he says, and smiles and leans in to kiss her, but she moves her face away gently. "I should go," she says. I don't understand why they don't just make out. What's so wrong with making out? Can someone please make out here? "Of course," Pacey tells her. Joey starts to go, but then turns and smiles. "About that pizza," she says. "Well, that would be an entirely different story," Pacey agrees, and they stare longingly at each other, right into the credits. Is "pizza" a code word for "making out"? I really don't get why they have to do all this talking about everything. I mean, I get it -- this show is all about people running their sassholes when they probably ought to just shut up and make out -- but it's ceased to be interesting. Television is a visual medium. Can someone on this show actually do something for once instead of talking us all to death?
Worthington College For Girls Who, Against All Reason, Will Not Make Out With Pacey. Joey and Professor Flip-Flops walk through campus together. He, by the way, is remarkably well-preserved, because he really could pass as a student rather than a professor. I think that's partially because James Van Der Beek is aging so poorly, but the show has us conditioned to believe that he's nineteen, which means that, comparatively, Flip-Flops is believable as, like, a grad student. Anyway, Flip-Flops is harassing Joey to have pity on him and watch Harley, because he's scored a hot date with a sociology professor. He says that Joey and Harley can study and he can "try and find a button-down shirt from this decade." Joey rolls her eyes and agrees, although she tells him that she's unsure about "this whole dating thing." She thinks he needs to "look inward." Flip-Flops smirks. "You're so wise, since distance left you single," he snarks. Joey has no response to this, so Flip-Flops continues, telling her that Harley has been "extra loopy" lately. "I think she's into the drugs," he worries. Joey assures him that Harley's loopy behavior can be attributed to hormones, and tells him not to worry about it. He doesn't seem to hear this, telling her that Harley has pictures of boys pasted over her bed. "Why there, Potter? What purpose do you suppose those pictures could serve in that particular location?" he asks. Joey stops and looks at him. She assures him that Harley is normal, "even clichéd." My question is this: Why do we care about Harley's hormonal development? She's been on two episodes. Could it be that she's here to teach Joey a lesson? Surely not! Anyway, Flip-Flops retorts that he corrupted "a lot of normal girls," and he'd rather Harley turned out like Joey: "Anxious, bookish, prone to having boyfriends who live far, far away." Joey sarcastically thanks him and keeps walking. "So, no boys at the house. No boys calling the house. No boys slowing down walking past the house," Flip-Flops calls after her. Joey turns and warns him that the more attractive he makes the opposite sex seem, the more Harley will want to bone one of them. Well, not in so many words. "I've just accepted that I am powerless against the high school alpha male. I can't fight them, so I'm going to build a moat around the house," Flip-Flops sighs. He's really kind of grown on me. Is that wrong? I guess I always fall for the snarky adult who says mean things to the protagonist. At this point, Flip-Flops asks Joey about her high school boyfriend, which stops her in her tracks. She shortly responds that "people change," and walks away. "Three-thirty, Potter. And leave your open mind at home!" Flip-Flops calls after her.
, we cut to The Obligatory Dawson Storyline In Which He Interacts With No Other Regular Character Because All Of The Actors On This Show Hate The Beek. The Head stands on the lawn of Capeside High and stares at its front doors. Oh, God, here we go. This is so clearly The Our Hero Revisits His Past So As To Learn Something Meaningful About Himself plotline. Also known as: naptime. "Dawson Leery, this is your life," Mel Silver says, coming up behind him. (Now, don't go writing me snippy emails: I know that the guy who plays Film Teacher Mr. Gold is, in fact, the identical twin of the actor who played Mel "Father of David" Silver on Beverly Hills, , but as far as I'm concerned, it's close enough. They're identical! They're both Mel Silver to me, now and forever.) "I was just thinking that," Dawson says. Mel Silver thanks him for coming to speak to his film class, and Dawson takes this as an excuse to complain about how poorly his career is going, what with The Worst Movie Ever Made going straight to cable and whatnot. Mel Silver nods sympathetically. "Slow going?" he asks. Dawson retorts that he's wondering why he didn't go to law school. Law school? Dude, try getting an undergraduate degree first. Not to mention the fact that you're only nineteen! I'm pretty sure that it's not too late for a career change. Mel Silver, however, just smiles. "Sounds like you're ready to take over my class. Let's go, Dawson," he says.
Meanwhile, in Boston, Pacey's at work, doing his usual wheeling and dealing. He soon, however, gets a phone call that sounds more personal than professional. "Okay, what hospital are you guys at? I'll be there soon," he asks. And I'm so happy about the new haircut that I'm not even going to complain about the fact that Pacey just ended a sentence with a preposition.
Cut to Capeside General, where Deputy Doug leans against a counter, perturbed and balding in his uniform. Pacey rushes into the hospital, looking suave and professional in his posh overcoat. Doug tells his brother that their father is up and walking, and that they've taken him for some tests. He tries to continue with his Hey, Dude, Our Dad Is In The Hospital story, but Pacey is too busy wondering why Pa Witter isn't ensconced in a private room. Doug stammers that all the private rooms were full, as Pacey, um, paces and wonders about his father's tests. Doug tells him that Pa Witter didn't have a heart attack, just an "exaggerated arrhythmia." He admits that he doesn't know much about the medical terminology. "Well, who can I talk to around here who does know what the hell they're talking about?" Pacey snaps. Doug looks hurt. That line looks much meaner typed out than it actually sounded; it's pretty obvious that Pacey is just being snappish because he's worried and scared. Doug passive-aggressively sniffs that he's been somewhat busy, trying to keep their family from falling apart. Pacey retorts that he would have been there to help a lot sooner if someone had called him sooner, and Doug snaps that he didn't have a lot of time for phone calls, what with the whole rushing their dad to the hospital thing, and he's really sorry that things aren't up to snuff for "the Wall Street wannabe," but he's been busy concentrating on "more important things, like the fact that [Pa Witter] survived!" Pacey just stares at his brother -- possibly wondering why Doug is wearing so much eyeliner -- as he stomps away.
Over at the high school, Dawson shows the class The Worst Movie Ever Made. They clap as the credits roll, and Dawson wonders if they have any questions. Some guy points out that our beloved missing-in-action Todd directed the movie, rather than Dawson, and Dawson sputters that he actually got to direct the ending. A nerdy kid who might as well be wearing a shirt that reads "Dawson Part Deux" points out that Todd is best known for directing "gratuitous fleshy music videos," whereas Dawson is "more of a sentimental realist." Dawson furrows his not inconsequential brow. "Is that the word on the street?" he asks. Mel Silver explains that he showed the class some of Dawson's "early work," for "a little compare and contrast." Dawson II asks if Dawson had to struggle not to put too much of himself into Todd's movie. I know there's a dirty Todd/Dawson sex joke in there somewhere, but I just can't find it. That's what happens when you've got a month between recaps: you lose your ability to make juvenile cracks. Dawson explains that because he spent so much time (in bed) with Todd, they eventually had "a shared vision" for the ending. Dawson II wonders if that's such a good thing, seeing as the movie went straight to cable. Dawson just laughs, and somehow this strays into a conversation about how Woody Allen and Dawson both dropped out of film school, and let me assure you, Dawson, you are no Woody Allen.
Eventually the bell rings, and Dawson II comes up and introduces himself as "George." He'd like Dawson to watch his short film, all eighteen minutes of it. After some hemming and hawing, Dawson says that he would love to. "Hey, thanks, Mr. Leery," George says, and scampers off. "Please tell me he didn't just call me 'Mister,'" Dawson says to Mel Silver, commenting that George must be a handful. "Dawson, waiting six years for you to experience this was well worth it. Thanks again," Mel Silver says, and races off to the Beverly Hills Beach Club, where his son David is scheduled to perform his hit song, "(You Are So) Precious To Me." Dawson stands alone in the classroom and makes a face and stands silently under a poster which reads, "If it's not in the frame, it doesn't exist." So, what does that say about Jack's sex life?
Over at The House of Flip-Flops, Harley is doing homework in her room, her stereo blaring. Joey stomps in the room and turns off the music. She exposits that Flip-Flops is going to want to read this essay that Harley is working on when he gets home, and Harley better get right to work, because Joey expects to see an introductory paragraph in half an hour. With this directive, she leaves. Harley turns the music back on, and a floppy-haired boy falls out of the closet and onto her bed. They start making out. Naturally, Joey comes back inside to turn off the music and busts them. Harley stammers that "Patrick" is her "study partner." Also, clearly, the mini-Pacey to her mini-Joey.
Capeside General Hospital. Pacey walks into the lounge to see Doug watching an infomercial. He fetches them both coffee from the vending machine and sits to his brother in silence. He offers that he got Pa Witter a private room. Doug, of course, has to make some crack about bribery. Pacey apologizes for snapping at him earlier. He explains that he was just upset, and he thanks Doug for taking care of the rest of the family during the day. "I was just on edge," he says. Doug comments that Pacey ought to try watching their father collapse. Pacey sighs and agrees that the entire thing is really scary. He spent so much time pushing Pa Witter's buttons, he says, that he forgot "there were real feelings under there." Doug just stares at him. Oh, Doug. Why are you being so tiresome?
Flip-Flops Estates. Joey marches Harley and Patrick into the living room and announces that they're going to work downstairs and in plain sight for the rest of night. Harley rolls her eyes. "Okay, Joey, I get it. Boy in room: bad. It's not like we were in our skivvies or anything," she whines. Patrick smarms that surely Joey had a lot of cute boys in her bedroom back when she was in high school. Joey just raises an eyebrow. "Look, Josephine, I didn't mean to cause any trouble," Patrick continues, saying that he doesn't want to hurt the "bond" she and Harley have. "I'm sure the three of us can work together," he finishes. Now it's Harley's turn to cock a skeptical brow as Joey sits down with her backpack and rolls her eyes. "Not the way you're thinking," she snarks, and takes a book out of her bag. Wait, didn't Flip-Flops say that there were no boys allowed in the house? Even if that's unrealistic (and I don't know that it is, considering that Flip-Flops isn't home and I am suddenly turning into my mother), shouldn't Joey abide by her employer's rules and ask Patrick to go home? Of course, that might get in the way of Harley and Patrick Teaching Joey A Valuable Lesson About Her Past. "Harley, I've clearly caused some stress here, and I respect the responsibility this woman's taken in your life," Patrick announces. Joey covers a smile and asks how old he thinks she is. "It's not old so much as wise, really," Patrick says. Harley shoots him an irritated look as he continues, saying that Joey "seems to be a timeless sort. Pained by the world, but more beautiful because of it." Joey nods very seriously. "That's very deep," she comments. "Unfortunately for you, I know your kind, and you're harmless," she continues, informing them that they're studying downstairs for the rest of the night.
Although it is still light in Boston, it's dark in Capeside. Don't ask. Over at Capeside General Hospital, Pacey makes a call to Joey. He gets her machine, but hangs up before leaving a message. Doug grabs him, telling him that Pa Witter is awake and can see the two of them. They hustle into the hospital room, where their father is talking to the doctor. Pa Witter tells Dr. Contrivance that Pacey is "the one [he] was telling [him] about." Pacey shakes the doctor's hand and shamefacedly admits that he's the "black sheep of the family." Dr. Contrivance smiles and corrects him, saying that Pa Witter was actually bragging on him. This, of course, cues up the obligatory "Pacey will be taking care of all of us one of these days" comment from Pa Witter, and the accompanying snarly expression from Doug. Pacey waves the compliments off and asks after his father's health. Pa Witter thanks him for coming. "I know how busy you are," he says.
Dr. Contrivance says the boys can each talk to their father, but they have to do it one at a time. Pacey starts to leave, but Pa Witter stops him, saying that he wants to talk to him first. Doug snaps that he's been waiting all day, so he can stand to wait a few more minutes, and then he stomps out. Dude, Doug, way to make your father's life-threatening illness all about you. So, Pacey sits by his father and chats aimlessly about traffic and how glad Pa Witter is to see him. Doug, I'm sure, is moping around the hallway, singing "Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me (Guess I'll Go Eat Some Worms)."
It's dark at Capeside High, too, although Dawson told George that he was going to watch George's movie in "ten minutes" and George specifically said that the movie was only eighteen minutes long. There's no way that darkness fell twenty-eight minutes after film class ended. Anyway, the credits roll on George's little movie, and Dawson says…nothing. "Thanks, thanks a lot," George says sarcastically, then comments that Dawson's silence "speaks volumes." Dawson tells George that he doesn't know him well enough to interpret his silence. George points out that Mel Silver is only silent when he's planning how to "eviscerate [him]." At this, Dawson says a whole bunch of nothing, mostly about how weird it is to come back to Capeside and his past and yadda yadda yadda. George wrinkles up his nose. "No offense and other obligatories, but I'm as ill-suited to psychoanalyze your crippling self-doubt as you apparently feel you are to critique my film," he says. And score one for George! The kid gets up to go, explaining that his mother serves dinner at six. Dawson finally admits that he's stalling because he doesn't know what to say. "Keep going," he finally forces out. "Your film's good. Very good." He then tells George that he needs to work on continuity, like, physician, look out the window and heal thyself. Dawson admits that George has "the stuff you can't teach." George smiles. "So I'm a natural genius," he interprets. Dawson snorts. "You are so much like me when I was your age," he laughs to himself. George tells him that Mel Silver agrees. Dawson nods and says…ut(IDEdkrtjetn3 *8enyAAA. I'm sorry. I pass out from boredom every time Dawson starts talking about, like, the beauty of his craft, or whatever it hell it is he talks about when he starts talking about movies. I do, however, wake up in time to hear George tell Dawson that he has "the stink of a burn-out talent" on him. Dawson rolls his eyes and good-naturedly tells George to "get out" before he "rubs off on [him]." George starts to go, then turns and tells Dawson that he thought Creek Dayz was good. "Not too many people have heart anymore. You can't lose that, right?" he asks. "Hope not," Dawson says thoughtfully. Lesson thus imparted, Dawson tells George to stay in school, keep his nose clean, and to stay away from organized sports. Whatever. The only way I could be interested in a Dawson plot, really, would be if it involved spontaneous human combustion. ["Will any human do? Because I'm volunteering." -- Sars]
Back at the hospital, Pa Witter tells Pacey that Ma Witter has been using a cookbook called Bacon Makes The World Go 'Round, and he thinks she's trying to kill him with cholesterol. He laughs that Pacey's the only one who has any money, so he doesn't know why Ma Witter is going after him. She's not trying to kill you, Pa Witter: bacon actually does make the world go 'round. Pacey makes a worried face and tells his father that he needs to listen to the doctor. Pa Witter assures Pacey that he's fine. "Hell, you've probably got the same thing," he says. "I don't know what your brother is getting worked up about." I hope that's not foreshadowing a Very Special Episode in which Pacey develops a heart condition. Pa Witter is still complaining about poor misunderstood Doug. "He needs to get a life. Like you did," he says. Pacey doesn't really have a reaction to this, and Pa Witter wonders if Pacey doesn't have to get back to the office. Pacey assures his father that business will take care of itself. Pa Witter smiles and tells Pacey that he's a good kid. "You grew up to be one of the good guys, Pacey. I always knew you would. I should have told you that more often," he says. Pacey smiles. "Well, maybe I just didn't always hear you," he says, taking his father's hand. Aw. People, I'm not made of stone. Pacey's wanted his father's approval for years! And now he's gotten it! Parental approval and a haircut! There is a God!
Flip-Flops Manor. Joey reads, Harley types, and Patrick stares at Joey. "Joey, I noticed you're reading Don DeLillo. White Noise is one of my favorite books," he says. Joey snorts. "When in your fifteen years did you find time to read it?" she asks. Patrick enthusiastically informs her that he's actually sixteen, and digs for his driver's license to prove it. Harley finally turns to him and asks him to please shut up. Patrick says that he and Joey can go in the other room if their conversation is disturbing her. Harley shrieks at him that he can just leave. Patrick blinks. "What's your problem?" he asks. "I asked you over here to be with me, not to salivate over my babysitter. I mean, do you have any idea how gross that is?" Harley asks. Patrick rolls his eyes and says that he can't believe Harley still needs a babysitter. "When your parents go out of town, don't they make you stay with the Johnsons?" she asks. "Yeah, that's just for safety reasons," Patrick explains. "Yeah, so you don't choke on your own spittle," Harley snaps. "Spittle" is a sadly underutilized word. At this point, Joey steps in and tells both of them to shut up. "Easy for you to say, Helen," Harley says. Joey makes a quizzical face. "You know, the face that launched a thousand ships? Get people all riled up and then go knit somewhere in solitude?" Harley explains. The knitter is actually Penelope, but that was a nice try, kiddo. Joey points out the mix-up in epic poems, but Harley isn't too humiliated by not knowing The Odyssey and…whatever poem Helen of Troy is in. The Iliad? It's been a while. ["Well, she's actually in both of them, but this show isn't called Classics Geek so I'll shut up now." -- Sars] "Point is, my boyfriend is blatantly flirting with you," Harley says. "Since when am I your boyfriend?" Patrick asks. "Oh, I hate you so much right now," Harley says, turning on him with some serious venom. "I hate you with the burning passion of a thousand STDs." Patrick, still stunned by this "boyfriend" revelation, sputters that they haven't had The Talk, and Harley squeals that they can't -- every time she tries to be serious with him, he turns into "some freak of nature and [does] things like this." Yes. Welcome to adult relationships, Harley. Joey closes her eyes, and Harley launches into a litany of charges against him, which include stuff like selling her out in homeroom and blah blah blah, and then Patrick admits that he likes "to keep [his] options open." At this, Joey covers her face in horror. Harley snits that he can take her off his list of options. "That should make things much easier for your tortured, assy soul," she says, and stomps off. I giggled at the "assy" part, I must admit. Patrick looks at Joey questioningly, and she just looks down at her book. "I probably shouldn't have said that thing about the options," he admits. "To begin with," she agrees.
So, Pacey has to go outside to find Doug to tell him that it's his turn to talk to Pa. Doug is, like, hanging out in an alley, moping. I'd like to make it perfectly clear that I empathize with Doug. It sucks to feel unappreciated, especially when you feel like you're the person who's been doing all the work. However, a family crisis probably isn't the time to decide that you're fed up, and to retreat to poorly lit breezeways to sulk. Anyway, the Witter brothers have this very dull argument about how Pacey's getting all the credit after doing none of the work, and Doug finally admits that he's been taking care of the Witter clan for years and he's sick of it. Sick! Pacey waves his index finger around threateningly and yells that Doug chose to stay in Capeside. And Doug yells that he has made choices -- responsible ones! -- even though he knows that's a foreign concept to someone who plays "musical careers." And so Pacey is all, what's your problem? Am I stepping on your turf, or something? "I'm a member of this family," he reminds Doug. Doug rolls his eyes. "Yeah, conveniently," he says, bitterly explaining that Pacey has this habit of sweeping in with gifts and pulling the wool over everyone's eyes, so they all "forget." Pacey's all, "Forget what? Am I not allowed to change?" Doug has no real response to this, so Pacey starts waving his threatening finger around some more. "Ultimately, this is not about our father, which is kind of pathetic considering the condition that man is in right now," he shouts. "This is about you wanting to see my face every day, knowing you're still the good son. That you're top dog. Well, that's just sad!" Pacey tells Doug that he "had to leave sometime," and points out that it's not as though he's abandoned them forever. He comes back when he's needed, and you know what? Maybe -- just maybe -- Pa Witter is happy to know that Pacey isn't going to hold a grudge against him for the rest of his life! "In a strange way, this might be a good thing," Pacey insists. Doug sniffs, irritated and bratty. "It is a good thing. And it's all yours, little brother. It's all yours. Enjoy it while it lasts." And then he stomps away. Well! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
Joey and her new low-slung pants knock on Harley's bedroom door. Patrick leans against the hallway wall and stares at her. Joey yells that Harley is blowing things way out of proportion. Patrick awkwardly and halfheartedly agrees, yelling that this probably isn't the first time he'll incur her wrath. "And I mean that in the best way possible," he adds. He turns to Joey and says that Harley likes it when they fight. "Probably because that's the only form of communication you're capable of," Joey snaps. "I'm capable of other forms. I think," Patrick says. Joey glares at him. Patrick finally admits that Harley is "way smarter" than he is. "I tried the [totally intelligible] thing with her once, and it wasn't pretty," he continues. "I was complimenting her and I felt all sweaty. I was a freaking mess." Joey informs him that, contrary to what he may have heard, "the sweaty palms thing is actually pretty endearing." [Note: It's only endearing if you already have the hots for the sweaty-palmed person. If you don't, then the sweaty palms are just gross.] Patrick shifts his weight from one foot to the other. "Then she'll look at Peter Guerin and be smitten with his unavailability and his freakish height and I'll be history. If I keep up with the witty abuse, at least I'll be the funny one," he says. Joey shakes her head. "It is true," she groans, "you guys are all the same." Patrick gives her a long look, and then informs her that she has "some anger." Oh, Patrick. You haven't seen anger yet. Not until you've spent some time in TWoP Towers, especially when we're out of Diet Coke. "You've been hurt. You've lost someone," he says. Joey ignores him and knocks on Harley's door some more. "In case you haven't noticed, so have you," she points out. Patrick shrugs that he never could have held onto a firecracker like Harley, anyway. He thinks he needs "an older woman." He waggles his eyebrows at her suggestively. Joey informs him shortly that it's never going to happen. "Look," she says, "Harley is this great sassy girl who, if she's smart, will never want to speak to you again," she says. Ah, the sassy girl routine. That act has never really worked for me. Not that any act has ever really worked for me. Wow, that was really, really bitter. Wonder where it came from? Anyway.
"You slay me, Joey," Patrick breathes. Joey just stares at him. "The only thing I want to do to you is give you some advice. Walk away, right now," she says, backing him into the wall. "Don't ever mention me again. Go home and strum your guitar, or whatever it is you do, and then dream up some fantastic gesture to get this girl back. And never think that there is one day when you have to stop doing that sort of thing, because that's the worst thing that a guy can do, give up the chase. And Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. Be realistic. If I wasn't such a nice girl, I would have laughed in your face and called you 'junior' the second I met you." Patrick looks vaguely alarmed and asks her why she didn't. "Because you remind me of someone I know," Joey tells him. "Now, get out of here before I remember everything that pissed me off about him when I was your age." She gives him a little shove. "We might never speak again," Patrick squeals, as he stumbles down the hall. "I'm crying on the inside," Joey snarks. "Good-bye, junior."
Back at the hospital, Pacey sticks his head in his father's room, where Doug and Pa Witter are watching television. He's heading home, he says, but promises his father that he'll drop in before he goes back to Boston in the morning. Pa Witter thanks him for the private room, and Doug makes a bratty baby face. Pacey just looks around the room for a moment. "No, that wasn't me. Doug took care of the room," he lies carefully. "Nice seeing you, Pa. Good-bye." Doug looks vaguely stunned and then smiles at his father.
Flip-Flops Manor. Finally, Joey just opens Harley's door. The girl is reading InStyle. Maybe she can advise Joey on her hair problems. Harley pointedly ignores Joey until she sits on Harley's bed and assures her that "wouldn't go after [Harley's] guy." "Go after her guy"? What am I watching, American Dreams? Actually, at this very moment, I am, but that doesn't make that turn of phrase any less dated. Anyway, Joey tells Harley that going after Patrick wouldn't "be kosher." She doesn't mention the fact that trying to put the moves on a sixteen-year-old boy would be gross at her age. Harley admits that she knows Joey wouldn't be interested in Patrick. She thinks Patrick was "just testing [her]." She simply doesn't understand why Patrick would want to test something that's already on shaky ground. She asks if Joey had this hard a time when she was in high school. Joey laughs that of course she did, but that everything seems 20/20 in hindsight. Now, she says, the problems she had with Pacey seem "petty" and all the obstacles she ran into with Dawson seem "unnecessary." Harley furrows her brow. "Dude, how many boyfriends did you have?" she asks. Joey laughs that it wasn't as "racy" as it sounds. Darling, it doesn't even sound that racy. Harley asks Joey what she would tell her old self, if she could. Dude, who talks like this? That's such a contrived question. Joey thinks about it, however, and then admits that lately she's been wondering why she can talk to Oliver without feeling scared, and that she realized that when she was sixteen, everything was motivated by fear. "Maybe it's just about taking a deep breath and forgiving yourself for yesterday's mistake," she says, telling Harley that she's going to want to "punch Patrick in the face" when she sees him at school, but that he's going to say something that might make her want to change her mind about doing him bodily harm. "Hear it, Harley. Don't be afraid to move forward." Or, you know, go ahead and punch him in the face. It'll be good for ratings. Harley wraps her arms around her knees and asks Joey why she didn't go to Los Angeles with Oliver, if she's so ready to move forward. Joey smiles. "Because it's not just about him. It's about me and what I'm ready for," she says. Oy. Harley asks what it is that Joey's ready for. "That's none of your business," Joey tells her, and directs her to get back to her essay. "When is this battle ax thing going to end?" Harley asks. "You're becoming most unpleasant." Joey slides off the bed and says that it's never going to end. "I'm honing my wench skills," she says, and, turning the radio on, leaves the room.
Pacey stops by Casa Leery on his way back to the Witter homestead. And who does he run into? Dawson! They awkwardly explain what they're each doing in Capeside, and walk down to the deck to talk. Pacey says that it's so disconcerting to see his father ill. Dawson says that he understands, although, really, Dawson never saw the Flash ill -- just very orange, and then felled by a marauding ice cream cone. Anyway, Pacey says that seeing his dad in the hospital made him think of Dawson. "I wasn't ready for that, you know," he says, admitting that all he wanted was to be a kid again, and let everyone else take care of him. Dawson smiles sympathetically and says that he knows exactly what Pacey is talking about. He wonders when they turned into adults. Pacey shrugs, and Dawson tells him that, when he was watching this stupid kid's stupid film over at Capeside High, all he could think was the "[he] didn't know anything." I have to admit, this scene is kind of nice. It feels natural, and it's nice to see the boys interacting again. And the older I get, the more I feel like I don't know anything, either. Probably because I really don't. Especially as far as math is concerned. Dawson tells Pacey that he'd like to "start all over again. Do things the right way." Pacey gazes thoughtfully across the creek. "Yeah," he says quietly. "Yeah, I'd like the time back. But I wouldn't have it the way it was. I just want to pinpoint that moment in your life when everything goes wrong." Dawson looks down at his shoes. "I think it was puberty for me," he says. "I could skip that, too," Pacey agrees. The boys laugh, and Dawson makes some comment about how he can't afford to make a movie, now that he has something to say, and Pacey says something about how he's the go-to guy as far as raising capital goes, and how obvious is it that someone's setting up some kind of money-related plot twist with that little conversation? Anyway, Dawson comments that it's cold, and invites Pacey into the house for some coffee, and the boys walk up the path and into Casa Leery together. As much as it pains me to admit it, that scene was nicely done by both actors.
Back in Boston, Joey gets into her dorm room and takes off her coat. She picks up the phone and calls Pacey, but she gets his voicemail. "Hi, it's me," she says. "So, I thought that I would have an answer when I picked up the phone, but I didn't. And then I thought I would think of something as I was talking, but no such luck. Pace, I think the problem is trying to figure this out alone. I think we should do it together, you know? You know how they say, if you could do it all over again, what would you change? Well, I'd change a lot of things, but I'm also really lucky I have a chance. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not going to look at you and think of everything that happened. I'm going to look at you and think of everything that could." She makes a thoughtful face, and asks him to call her, then hangs up and starts at the ceiling thoughtfully.