Wow, have I procrastinated, writing this recap. Instead of working on it, I ate a sandwich. I addressed my Christmas cards. I sang the opening number of Cabaret. I watched Bring It On. Three times. Yeah, this episode was bad. Real. Bad. On the other hand, there was no Dawson. At all! How painful can it really be? I know, famous last words.
A full moon shines on Grams's Boston manse. Joey, Jack, and Pacey let themselves inside, shedding their outerwear as they go, and complaining vigorously about the movie they've just seen. "I have now officially lost my faith in Hollywood," Pacey announces. "It wasn't that bad," Jack says. Pacey retorts that it might not have been that bad "through the haze of [Jack's] ear-drum shattering slumber," but "as someone who watched that movie, it sucked!" The threesome wander into the dining room and sit at the table, as Joey, looking very pretty in a red long-sleeved tee, complains that she's "so tired" of the "Insert Your Vengeful Psycho Here Movie." She thinks they're too unrealistic. Because Dawson's Creek is on the forefront of realism in television, dontcha know? "You know what the problem is?" Jack asks. Got a sec? Because I have this list, somewhere…Pacey responds that the problem is that Jack "talks in [his] sleep, and [he] talks about things [Pacey] doesn't want to know about." Jack snorts dismissively and explains that the problem is that "people forget that the scariest things are things that are actually possible." That's why Hitchcock is so great, he says. Joey points out that people don't go around dressing like their long-dead and poorly embalmed mothers every day. "Well, you save that for special occasions," Pacey snarks. "Maybe I've just lost the will to scream," Joey says. Oh, dear God. We get it. It's all meta. They were all in bad slasher flicks (Katie Holmes in Disturbing Behavior and Teaching Mrs. Tingle, Joshua Jackson in The Skulls and Urban Legend AND Gossip AND Apt Pupil, like, get a new agent, Josh, and Kerr Smith was in that movie with the airplane, the name of which I can't -- Final Destination. And Kevin Williamson writes, like, exclusively bad teen slasher pics, the originalScream notwithstanding, because that one was pretty good). This episode would have been relevant and fresh in, like, 1998. "Oh please," Pacey chuckles, "you were once and will forever remain the number one skittish kitten in my life." Joey shoots him a dirty look. "Not to worry. It's part of your charm," he assures her. Jack snorts, and reminds Pacey that he, Pacey, was "scared of Grams" until just recently. Pacey comments that Jack must be scared constantly, living with her and all. Jack agrees, in a very, very poor British accent, at he "never [knows] what might be lurking in the shadows." Joey rolls her eyes and gets up from the table, wondering who else is hungry. "A girl can't survive on Dots alone," she says. Even if she looks like it.
Joey wanders, alone, into the kitchen as Scary Music plays on the soundtrack, and the house is suddenly all dark and the back door blows open and someone turns on a fog machine. Jesus. Seriously, God? Hi. Yeah, I know this is a pretty minor request, what with all the hungry people in the world, and, like, the war and all, but if there was some way for you to make it so that I only have to deal with a fog machine and Ominous Music Of Imminent Danger once a week, I would really appreciate it. I mean, it's okay if you mix it up, sometimes. I don't care if Dawson's is all Pseudo-Scary, as long as The X-Files is about, like, Scully's struggle with the heartbreak of psoriasis, or something, but recapping two shows about fog in one week is hard. Thanks. Also, I'm still waiting for that pony. Anyway, Joey is all, "Very funny, guys. I'm shaking in my boots." A red handball ball bounces down the stairs and out the open back door. The fog swirls. The music wails. Joey steps outside and picks up the ball. "What? Is this the part where the twins come out and invite me to play forever and ever?" We should be so lucky, really, but if you want to be technical about it, in order for that to be an accurate homage, Joey would need to be riding her Big Wheel, not picking up a ball. ["Unless it's an homage to The Changeling, which I doubt, since that's actually a good horror movie." -- Sars] Naturally, at this moment, the back door slams in her face, magically locking her outside. Joey rattles the doorknob. A hand lands on her shoulder, and she whirls around, screaming, as the door swings open and she falls backwards into Jack. Jack and Pacey laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh! "I think our work here is done," Pacey announces. Joey grabs the ball back from Jack and glares. Pacey says something unintelligible.
Back to the kitchen table. "You guys do realize that this calls for serious revenge," Joey says. Pacey tells her that they were just out to prove that she's afraid of her own shadow. "You know, you two wouldn't be so sure of yourselves if you knew what a weathered scream queen I was," Joey says. Shouldn't that be, "what a weathered scream queen I am"? That sentence just sounded awkward to me. Anyway, Pacey snarks that he forgot that she's "seen it all." Joey sucks her lips into her mouth. "I don't spend all my time with you lay-abouts," she says, and while I must give Joey props for her use of the word "lay-abouts," I'd like to point out that, thus far, she seems to have spent no time whatsoever with Jack or Pacey, much less all of it. Anyway. She's "seen things. Disturbing things. Behavior, that is disturbing. And that makes me want to teach things to a woman named Mrs. Tingle." Jack asks her to tell them her tale. "I don't think you can handle it," Joey announces. Pacey is all like, whatever. "Okay, Pace," Joey says solemnly. "It was Halloween night. Audrey was walking with me to the library, which was in itself a sign of the apocalypse…"
Fade to Audrey, all gussied up in an ivory satin, bias-cut '70s prom dress, complaining that she knows "half a dozen" parties she and Joey could be hitting right now. Even though it's still daylight. In November. In Boston. Which means it can't be later than 4 PM. But anyway. Joey insists that she has to go to the library. Joey, in the first moment of realism in this episode, is wearing a baggy sweatshirt and what look like pajama pants. It's about time this show highlighted the lazy grunginess that most college students fall into eventually, if not immediately. "Nobody should be alone in the library on Halloween," Audrey says. Joey counters by explaining that the reading material she needs for class LIVES in the library! She's not allowed to check it out! And besides, she's not in the mood to party, "with everything that's happened." I guess that's a reference to The Death Of the Flash. Audrey makes a face, as Joey gives her a once-over and asks her who she's supposed to be. "I'm Carrie! Carrie White! Tragically misunderstood telekinetic heroine of the Stephen King book!" Audrey explains animatedly. Joey points out that she ought to be covered in blood. "Well, I guess," Audrey concedes. "But bleurgh. What cute boy is going to want to talk to me if I'm red and sticky all night?" Audrey, it seems, subscribes to my own theory about Halloween costumes, which is that there are two kinds of people; those who want to look gross, and those who want to look hot. Personally, I go for the latter. Joey chuckles. "How are they going to know you're not just some generic homecoming queen or beauty contest winner?" she asks. "Because. I'll tell them," Audrey explains. Joey comments that at least Audrey has the hair right. "Thank you," Audrey says. "I used to wear my hair like this when I was on Freaks & Geeks, a far better written show. But a girl has to eat, you know?" They head toward the library, Audrey moaning about how badly her shoes hurt. Dude, I have so been there. I'm there right now. I'm, like, the mayor of there.
Library. Josh from Popular pushes a book cart around in the background and pretends that he's just another extra, even though his name was in the credits. It's nice that the WB is finding work for the Popular folk. Okay, I guess mostly they're finding work for Harrison, since he's all on Felicity now. Did I ever tell you that I went to college with Chris Gorham, the guy who played Harrison? Because I totally did. We lived on the same hallway in the dorms! I totally know him and shit. Or, you know, I did. While I was in college. He's an extremely nice guy. Ahem. Anyway. Audrey and Joey sit at a table in the reading room; Joey reads. Audrey stares at her. Joey looks up and insists that she's "perfectly safe." Audrey waves her hand dismissively, saying that she doesn't want to be "the first idiot at the punch bowl, anyway." Joey reiterates that she's not coming to the damn Halloween party. "Well, who asked you to?" Audrey retorts. Joey laughs, and assures Audrey that she's serious; she's studying tonight. She's staying at the library. Audrey can leave. She's fine. She's safe. She's in no danger. Nothing bad will happen to her. Now, if Audrey will excuse her, she needs to go change into a filmy white nightgown and wander around in the dark, so safe is she. Audrey reflects that when she's scared, she likes to count out loud. "One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six," she counts. "It's very calming." Joey says for the seventy-fifth time that she's not scared. She's utterly surrounded by people, she points out. Audrey looks up and catches a glimpse of a creepy dude behind them, slowly shelling and eating peanuts. "Check out the creepy guy at one o'clock," she hisses. "He's eating peanuts. And he keeps looking at us. Don't look now! Don't look now. Okay, go." Joey peers over her shoulder and catches Peanuts watching her. "Maybe it's the tiara and prom dress that caught his eye," Joey snickers. Audrey just exposits that, recently, this girl was, like, totally attacked in the library, and you know what? She wasn't the only one. Joey could be ! A studious guy to them tells them to shut up. Joey tells Audrey to leave, already. She stands. "I'm going. Put your life at risk. See if I care," Audrey says. "Are you sure you don't want me to walk back with you?" she says, gathering her bouquet and scepter. "Hey, Miss America, are you coming or going?" Studious Guy asks. Joey assures him that Audrey is going. Audrey rolls her eyes. "Goodbye, Beauty Queen," Studious Guy calls. "Excuuuuuse me," Audrey begins. "I'm Carrie, okay? Carrie White. From the book and the movie. Is that not obvious to you? God!" With this, she stomps out of the library. You know, it's nice to see a girl on TV with a normal body. Busy Philipps is a babe, but she's no waif. And thank God.
Eventually, the library empties out, and Joey is alone at her table with her books and her notes and her maniacal desire to achieve. Dear Joey: It's called a Xerox machine. And you can use it to make facsimiles of reading material that you're not permitted to remove from the library. With these items (called copies), you can read your assignment from the safety of your own dorm room, on the bus, or even in the bathtub. Look into it. Love, the world. So, anyway. Joey's the only loser left in the library, other than Peanuts and Josh. Peanuts ambles over and asks if he can borrow her pen. She gives him one. He stares at her. Ominous, whirly music. Joey stammers that he can feel free to keep the pen. "You shouldn't be here after dark. It's not safe," Peanuts says. Joey cheerfully informs him that her boyfriend is going to pick her up, "as soon as football practice lets out." Joey's dating a football player? Awesome! I had the hugest crush on -- oh. Hey, you guys, I think she's lying. Also, as though a school like Worthington would have much of a football team. Anyway. Peanuts tosses a legume in his mouth and walks off. Joey makes a freaked-out face and walks over to Josh, who's sitting behind a big old counter, and asks him for the reading for "the intellectual history of Europe." He gets her name, and runs off to look for it. Peanut watches from the back of the library. The Ominous Music Of Something Funny I'm Too Tired To Think Of (or, rather, Of Which I Am Too Tired To Think) wails in the background.
Anyway, Josh finally comes back and hands her some stuff and tells her that there's one more book she can find in the stacks and he's looking for another one. That's a lot of reading for one night. Too bad Joey doesn't know about the wonderful world of photocopying. "Can I help you with something else?" Josh asks. Joey wonders if he's going to be around for a while. "Another hour or so. Why?" Joey's just wondering. Josh grins. "You worried about that guy?" he asks, nodding toward Peanut. "Kind of," Joey admits. "He's just…a little creepy. He keeps staring at me." Josh assures her that Peanuts comes to the library all the time, and he's "pretty harmless." Okay, I'm sorry. I just have to lecture you guys for a little moment. Really, just very briefly. Ahem: if you feel uncomfortable in a situation like this, then listen to your instincts and go home! Seriously, is getting your reading done more important than your personal safety, Joey Potter? Because that's wack, and I say that as someone who used to study a lot. The Gift of Fear! Read it!
Okay. See, that wasn't too painful, was it? Later, Joey's walking, all alone, through the stacks. There are strange whisper-y noises in the background, which were also on The X-Files a couple of weeks ago, like, leave me alone, Chris Carter! God! Joey finds her reference book, but looks up and right into Peanuts's peanutty face. "Psst, come here," he hisses. "Do you want to buy an A?" Sorry, I was watching Sesame Street this morning. Do you remember that skit? Where one of the characters was dressed like a flasher, but he had letters and numbers on the inside of his jacket? In retrospect, that was pretty funny. ["My family still sings 'Would You Like To Buy An O' all the time. 'It'll cost you just a nickel --' 'A NICKEL?' 'Shhhh.' 'A nickel?' 'Riiiiiight.'" -- Sars] When my sister was a baby, I used to watch Sesame Street with her all the time, and it was so full of inside adult jokes. Like, on Monsterpiece Theatre, one day, there was a skit called Twin Beaks and…sorry. Right. Dawson's Creek. Joey backs away from Peanuts and runs and runs through the stacks and takes a corner rather quickly and runs right into Josh! "Whoa, sorry," he says. She gasps that she's "having a bit of a moment," and she thinks Peanuts is following her. Josh tells her that Peanuts just left. Are you sure? Sure I'm sure! Josh asks her if she'd like him to call her a campus security officer to escort her back to the dorms. Joey shakes her head. Josh tells her that the final book she needs for her reading is in Special Editions, downstairs, and that they're open for another ten minutes.
Special Editions. Creepy Music. Walking. Walking. Walking. Music. Music. Walking. Music. Joey finds the door to Special Editions closed and locked. She hears something behind her, and whirls around to find nothing. Of course. Her rational and reasoned response to this is running off and hiding in a broom closet. Outside the closet, things rattle around, someone walks past the door, and then, silence. Finally, Joey sticks her head out of the closet. She races back into the stacks and right back into Peanuts. She screams and dashes the other way, and into Josh. "I'm so happy to see you," she gasps. "That creepy guy is down here." Josh is saying that he knows that when Peanuts bashes him over the head with a book and he falls down. "Should have listened to me, sweetie," Peanuts says, and Joey punches him in the stomach and runs away, a recovered Josh on her heels. They get to the door, and Josh reaches out and locks it! "What are you doing?" Joey asks. "So, you think you could put up a fight? Because I like that," he sneers. Turns out Peanuts was a cop. "And he was right. Should have listened to him, sweetie." So, yeah: Josh is the bad guy. Moving. Right. Along. He gets all in her face, walking her back into the stacks and against a table, and then Joey hits him right in the face with a roundhouse kick, like all that Tae Bo is finally good for something. Josh and Joey fight. Katie Holmes is no Sarah Michelle Gellar, I have to tell you. And this bit, right here, where she kicks him in the face? Is, like, physiologically impossible. Anyway, the slam to the face knocks him out, just as Peanuts stumbles up behind them. Why didn't he show her his badge, back there in the stacks? Jesus. "Wow. You sure Crouching Tiger-ed his ass," he comments. Except without the cool suspended-in-thin-air part. "Yeah, I guess that kick-boxing class actually paid off," Joey says, as this completely cheesy and stereotypical Ching-Chang-Chong Fakola Music Of The Orient twangs on the soundtrack and Joey and Peanuts stare at the unconscious Josh.
Back to Grams's. "That's a decent thrill, Jo, but as scary as the stacks might be after-hours, I think the frat house has you beat in terms of the creep factor," Jack says. Joey makes the obligatory "so, I assume you're talking more than keg stands and roofies?" comment. Jack snickers that he "gets enough of that" from his "common-law wife," and I assume he means Jen. "What could a fellow possibly have to worry about in the arms of his brethren?" Joey asks. Nah, that joke is way too easy. I'm not even going to stoop to that level. "Late night, in the basement," Jack begins, "with the right provisions of course, the mind can start to play tricks on you." I have a note here that reads "provisions joke," and I have no idea what that means right now. I don't know why I didn't make a note that reads "late-night basement joke," because that seems way easier, humor-wise. Anyway, Jack walks up to the frat, where he's greeted at the front door by several frat-clad bros, who yell at him that they want "the basement" totally "cleared out." Ahem. No comment.
Basement. Remember Jack's Frat Rat friends, Caesar and Red? Yeah, they're in the basement, too. "We are way cooler than these dorks," Caesar says, looking at a picture of Frat Brothers From Days Of Yore. Jack finds a transistor radio in one of the boxes they're futzing with, and tunes into Jen's show. "Is [Jen] hot?" Caesar asks. "I don't really know how to answer that," Jack says, which is such a lie. People are either hot, or they're not, and I think you can tell even if you're not interested in their gender. I mean, I like boys, but I know when another girl is a babe. "Yes, or no?" Caesar asks. "Yes," Jack admits. "Bring her over sometime," Caesar offers, and I'd love to see that, because Jen would kick his ass. Jack coughs instead of answering. He's got the flu, he says, and he's all hopped up on medication. At the mention of "medication," Caesar takes out a flask of Jack Daniel's and talks Jack and Red into getting liquored up with him. How does he accomplish this, you ask? He tells them that they're at the "peak of their sexual primes." And he wants them drunk, in the basement of the frat house. Oh, no: he thinks they "should be out partying tonight instead of in latrine duty hell," and they need to "live a little." "I believe this is what as known as peer pressure," Red says, taking a swig. Woo hoo, drinking and cleaning! Crazy! Jack coughs and yelps as he takes a swig of the JD. "That's some strong stuff," he wheezes. As Jack sputters, Red looks at an old picture, which just happens to feature his father. Red's father, not Angry McPhee. This discovery just serves to set the scene for this vignette, by the way; the year Red's dad pledged the frat, some guy killed himself for reasons unknown, but Caesar thinks it's because he had a slutty and unfaithful girlfriend. Damn womenfolk. Why can't they just mind the house and the children and leave the catting about to the gents?
Anyway. Jack doesn't feel so well. "Dude. This is a vomit-free zone. There's a bathroom back there. Why don't you go use it?" Caesar suggests. So Jack goes into the oldest, nastiest bathroom ever, where he washes his face and stares into the mirror. A shadow flashes behind him, and he whips around. Nothing. He walks into the basement. It's empty. He rubs his eyes. A rocking chair in the corner knocks back and forth of its own accord. The lights are out. The wind blows. The picture falls to the ground, its glass shattering everywhere. Music plays clearly over the transistor radio. It's "Beyond The Sea," in, like, the eighth rip-off of The X-Files in this segment alone. Jack runs through the empty frat house, listening to mysterious banging. Sounds like the wind to me, and nothing more. Jack wanders from room to room, finally finding a door with a rattling knob. He opens said door very, very slowly, revealing a guy bound and gagged on the floor of the closet. Do you get that? Do you get it? He's IN THE CLOSET? And he's GAGGED? Like, he must be silent about his true nature? GET IT?
Jack hauls him out of the closet (ahem) and unties him. "I'm okay," the guy says, falling into a chair. "A couple of the guys locked me in there. Hazing, you know," he explains. Jack yelps that the guy could have died, and demands to know who was behind such a nefarious trick! Bound & Gagged doesn't want to say. "I'm a new pledge. It'd be indiscreet." Jack says that he's a new pledge, too, and he's surprised he's never seen B&G, whose name is Chad, ever before. Blah blah blah blah blah blah, Chad informs Jack that the bros already hate him. They hate him! Jack wonders why they let him pledge if they hate him and all. Turns out Chad's father was a founding member of Sigma Ew, and Chad's a legacy. They had to let him in. Jack's all, but, dude, the bros are awesome! Chad says they've "been on [his] case since day one." "Why?" Jack asks. I am so bored. I want to stab myself. I'm just going to fast-forward through some of this talking, okay? Yada yada, Chad is gay. He's gay, gay, gay. And Jack's gay, too! He's gay! He's also gay, although he doesn't date, kiss, or have sex with other boys. But, see, the frat brothers are cool with Jack being gay! "This shouldn't happen," Jack tells Chad. "We're living in the 21st century." Suddenly, I've just noticed, Jack's mullet has returned. This is scary. "Maybe you are," Chad says. And groans. He needs to sleep, he says. Jack goes to get him a glass of water. "You're not calling for help, are you?" Chad asks. Man, he sure is whiny. If I was a ghost out to teach Jack a lesson (or something), I'd be a lot sassier. Also, I'd haunt the assholes who tied me up and gagged me, not poor Jack. "Jack?" Chad calls after him. "You're a cool guy. A great addition to the house. I wish there were more like you." Jack smiles and says he'll be right back, and walks into the other room. He picks up his cell phone, and as he dials, the transistor radio twitters and begins playing another song. A contemporary song. Jack catches sight of the picture that broke earlier -- and Chad is in it, natch. "No way," Jack breathes, and runs back into the living room. Which is empty. Man. Could this episode be more weak-ass? I want to die! Finally, we pan outside the deserted room to the front of the frat house, where a lone light bulb swings in the dark, dark night.
Back at Grams's, Pacey lies and tells Joey and Jack that they sure "spin a scary yarn." "But what the world needs is a good, old-fashioned urban legend," he says, "much like the film of the same name, in which I took second billing to the Noxzema girl and that chick who was on Cybill." Jack dismisses the entire concept of the urban legends as a bunch of "stories about a guy with a hook for an arm who kills an amorous couple." Pacey insists that those stories exist for a reason. "Right. To discourage teenagers from drinking and having sex in the woods," Joey says. "Say what you will," Pacey begins, but he has experienced things. Jack snarks that Pacey's leading "a double life," one which takes him to "the fathoms of the sea, and the seedy underbelly of the city." Jack is absolutely right, Pacey says. "I have seen the dark side," he announces. And, he says, the "scariest stuff" does happen in the midst of the everyday. For example, he begins, there was this one time with She Who Shall Not Be Recapped…"Who's [SWSNBR]?" Joey interrupts. Pacey cocks a brow in her direction. "Do you really want to have this conversation now?" he asks. Joey looks at her lap and hides a smirk. "No. Sorry. Sugar high." Heh. That was amusing. On the other hand? SHE WHO SHALL NOT BE RECAPPED? Again? No! No! No, God, noooooo! She climbed into a cab last week and rode out of my life forever! For! Ever! Damn you, writers! Damn you all to hell! Have you no pity? Have you no mercy? What did I ever do to you, you sons of bitches?
God. God. I so don't want to even do this! There's a boycott in effect! A boycott! Okay, how's this: Pacey and She Who Shall Not Be Recapped are driving home and Pacey flashes his headlights at someone and then that someone chases them, and it's all supposed to be scary, especially at the end, when SWSNBR is killed. The end. Excuse me, there's the phone…
Fine. I'll recap this segment. But only because I'm contractually obligated to do so! So, Pacey is giving SWSNBR a ride home in Chef Danny's swank-ass Beemer, "before all the drama started." Nice rewrite, there, people. "Okay, let me guess. The road stretched out before you, lit only by the full moon above?" Joey snarks. I have to say, the actors seem to be having a reasonable amount of fun with this, and that's nice. Of course, part of that could just be the whole Good Chemistry Between Katie Holmes And Josh Jackson Phenomenon.
Fade to the BMW. "Got to hand it to [Chef Danny]," Pacey says as he steers. "This is a sweet ride." You Know Who bitches that it's actually Mrs. Chef Danny's vehicle. "Now you have another reason to worship him," she sniffs, and turns to stare out the window. Pacey insists that he doesn't worship Chef Danny. "It's perfectly understandable, your little boy crush on Danny," SWSNBR says. "Excuse me?" Pacey asks. "It doesn't mean you're gay, or anything," SWSNBR says. Not that there's anything wrong with that, SWSNBR, you homophobe! Pacey chuckles, and tells You Know Who that Chef Danny "is charismatic." And he's the only person who doesn't make Pacey feel like crap for not going to college. And he also makes Pacey feel like he's good at something, which, he points out, if SWSNBR knew anything about his life, which, he says, she does not, she would…wow, I totally lost my train of thought in the middle of that sentence. Um, yeah. Pacey likes Chef Danny. Moving on.
You Know Who smirks, and Pacey flashes his headlights at a car coming toward them, because its lights aren't on, and SWSNBR freaks out. "I don't think that was such a great idea!" she squeals. "It's the universal sign for 'hey, buddy, your lights are off,'" Pacey explains. "It's also an invitation for trouble," Karen bitches. Oh, sweet baby Jesus! Give me a break. Of all the urban legends in the world, this is the one they're doing? Killer's Hook On The Car Door Handle is way better than this one! Dude, The Asbestos In Your Tampons Is Going To Kill You Slowly From Within is better than this one! "What are you talking about?" Pacey asks. SWSNBR explains that whole "flash your headlights at a new gang member/they kill you in cold blood" story. "It's a game to them!" she squeals. Stupid, stupid SWSNBR. Pacey keeps driving and explains that, in "[his] universe, it's simple driver courtesy." You Know Who sneers. "Fine, I'm making it up," she snorts. But she's not! The Mustang is following them! "Now, you're being paranoid," Pacey says mildly. "Am I?" SWSNBR asks him. The Mustang is right on their ass, its brights on. "God, you just had to be the Good Samaritan, didn't you?" You Know Who snips. God, I hate her. I hate her so much. I so, so hate her. "Look, could you just save the tutorial for a little bit later, please?" Pacey asks. The Mustang bumps the back of the Beemer. "What the hell was that?" Pacey yelps. He pulls over. Stupid Non-Scary-Ass Music twinkles on the soundtrack. Pacey manages to elude the 'Stang, and pulls into a truck stop diner. They get out of the car. There's a big old bash in the back. "Dammit!" Pacey yells when he sees the ding. "Oh, damn! [Chef Danny] is going to kill me!" SWSNBR smirks and crosses her arms over her chest. "Yeah, I bet he's not going to take you to the prom anymore, either," she says. Wow, that was almost funny. In fact, if I didn't hate You Know Who, I might have even chuckled. But the embargo forbids it.
All of the customers inside the diner give Pacey and The Girl a dirty, dirty look. They're all weird-looking hick-types, which I hear is a real prevalent sort in Massachusetts. Pacey tries to use the pay phone, but it's out of order. The neon signs in the diner blink oddly. The camera pans past a 1966 wall calendar. The music swirls. "Are you standing, or sitting?" a harried-looking waitress asks them. Pacey wants to use the phone, but it's out of order, he explains. "Then I guess you're out of luck, ain't you?" she asks. SWSNBR pokes at Pacey, and indicates that the Mustang is parked right to their BMW. "Okay. Which one of you did it, huh?" Pacey asks. The customers stare at him. "Which one of you inbred, redneck freaks smashed into my car?" Pacey tells. Way to get the crowd on your side, Pace, since they already think you're a twenty-year-old out tooling around in his own Beemer, anyway. Pacey's interrogating the customers one by one when an older guy -- the owner? Sure, let's go with that -- comes up and tells them to get the hell out. Pacey yelps that someone in that diner smashed his car! "Leave!" the owner yells. "Oh, my. You should think about seeing a dentist," Pacey says over his shoulder, as SWSNBR pulls him out of the diner.
They get in the car and drive, drive away. The Bongos Of Fear pulsate wildly on the soundtrack. Suddenly, Pacey slams on the brakes. The Mustang is parked crossways over the road in front of them. "You have got to be kidding me," Pacey says, and revs the engine, then pops the clutch and peels out. Basically, he and the Mustang play chicken, and, at the last minute, the Mustang veers off the road. Pacey parks the BMW. "Pop the trunk," SWSNBR demands. "Hey, where are you going?" Pacey says, as You Know Who climbs out of the Beemer and goes around to the back. "Just do it," she commands. "Lady, are you nuts?" Pacey asks, getting out of the car. SWSNBR says nothing, but takes a bat out of the trunk and goes over to menace the other driver. Because a guy willing to run you off the road will totally run in fear from some sporting goods. "I have got to start meeting less angry women," Pacey mutters, and I have to concur. Anyway, the other car? Empty. Yeah. That was dumb. The two of them look at each other and head back to their car. "Thanks for a lovely evening," SWSNBR sneers. "Things happen," Pacey says, shortly. "Let's go."
Back at Grams, the kids are still kibitzing when Grams comes home from another night of drinking and carousing. "I trust I'm not interrupting any unsavory activity," she says. Joey sweeps the cocaine into her hands and Jack kicks the porn under the sofa. "Just ghost stories," they tell her. Grams makes a face and tells the kids that they haven't had enough "life experience to tell a truly chilling tale." The kiddies exchange glances. "But if you novices think you can handle it, I think I might just have a good one," Grams offers. I love Grams. Jack assures Grams that they're "just a bunch of jaded cinephiles who don't even flinch at blood spilling on the pavement anymore." Grams takes a seat. "Thank you for that sweet dream imagery, Jack," she says. Jack's all, no problem.
"A truly scary story should hit you where you live. Find you in a safe place, and turn it into a den of nightmares," Grams begins. "Okay," Pacey says. "Mission accomplished, Mrs. Ryan, because I'm starting to feel a little freaked out." Already? Wow. "Good," Grams coos. "My story -- actually, it's Jennifah's story. An experience that terrified her so deeply, she could never bear to retell the tale." Fade to Jen's first night at the radio station, where she's all alone. It's almost midnight.
In the booth, Jen places a needle down on a record. It's Marilyn Manson's cover of "Sweet Dreams." She rubs her eyes, tired, and looks up as a branch taps against the window of the studio. "Dammit," Jen says, and goes outside to…deal with the branch? I don't know why that's such a problem, but whatever. Anyway, Jen props the radio station door open with a trashcan and goes out and rips the branch off the tree, and walks back to the radio station and finds that the door has shut and locked behind her. She doesn't have her key. Like the radio station would be completely empty. She'd have a producer. Or the person whose shift began after hers. Or before it. Or -- oh, whatever. Jen tries to pick the lock with her student ID card, but only manages to drop it inside the lobby. "Shoot," she says mildly, and runs around back to try the other door. Also locked. In the alley behind her, there is a figure that looks very much like a man. The wind hisses. She whips around. "What do you want?" she asks the figure…that turns out to be a mannequin, which falls at her feet. Jen yelps and races back toward the radio station's front door. Inside the booth, the record is skipping. Magically, the front door is now unlocked, and she races into the booth and apologizes for the scratch on the record, and starts a new one. She looks up and sees her ID…on the counter in front of her. "Jennnnnnniiiiffffffferrrrrrr," something says, and Jen looks up and a body comes smashing through the window and she screams and screams.
Grams's. Everyone stares at her. "Now that. Is a scary story," Pacey offers. Except for the part where it makes no sense at all and wasn't at all scary! Seriously! Was it a dead body? Or the mannequin? Or a tree? The hell? Joey's all covering her eyes. Grams smiles and gets up. "I hope I didn't give you jaded cinephiles too much of a fright. Good night! Sweet dreams!" she offers cheerily, before going up to bed. Heh. Go, Grams! "I guess this is typically the time of night that we go to sleep," Jack stutters. "Don't let us stop you. Unless you're too scared to go upstairs by yourself," Pacey tells him. "Yeah. Unless you're too scared to go to that creepy little floating house of yours," Jack retorts. "Why would I be afraid? There's nothing to be afraid of. We were just going," Pacey says. He sets up the episode by offering to cook them all dinner "when Dawson and Jen get back." "That's enough of the Fear Factor," Jack smirks. "You know what you just earned yourself? You just earned yourself contaminated food," Pacey says. "Jo? Want to brave the T?" She will, if he will. "Let's go," Pacey offers. "But you are going to walk in front of me, right?" Joey asks nervously, as they get ready to go. Pacey agrees, but then wonders how she'll "see the man who's going to jump out of the bushes and stab her in the throat." He pokes her gently. She yelps. Aw, those two crazy kids! So cute! "Pacey, there is no man!" she says. Pacey laughs. "I'm all for gender equality," he tells her. "It could be a woman. Some green-eyed Angelina Jolie type. Actually, that might be pretty interesting." Joey rolls her eyes, and tells him she wants to get going before it strikes midnight "and Grams emerges, looking for her lost head." Jack snickers, and exclaims that he knew "the Grams thing" ran deep. Pacey and Joey and Jack keep chattering as Joey and Pacey get bundled up to head back outside…and someone -- or something -- watches them through the window. It's probably SWSNBR, since, like the murderer in a bad horror flick, she just won't go away.