Episode Report Card Jessica: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT High Anxiety
By Jessica | Season 5 | Episode 6 | Aired on 11.13.2001
The Other Restaurant in Boston. Sue-Ellen Mishkie sits between Joey and Audrey, both of whom are picking listlessly at their meals. Sue-Ellen spends the majority of the meal berating her daughter in the same cheerful tone she utilized to such great effect in her first scene. She criticizes Audrey about the cream sauce on her meal, about not working out, about her tone of voice. Joey moves her food around her plate and looks enormously uncomfortable. Audrey looks as though she'd like to crawl under her chair and stay there until she dies of embarrassment or old age, whichever comes first. Joey finally breaks through the litany of criticism (Audrey's "uptalking" makes her sound "like a California blonde") and excuses herself to call Dawson.
Joey settles into a blue chair near the restaurant's bar and dials Dawson's cell phone. Over at the frat, he hears his phone ringing and flips it open to look at the display. The LED screen reads "Joey." He looks at it for a moment, then snaps it closed.
Charlie's Pleasure Palace. I notice that the set designers have changed the mural behind his bed; in the first few episodes of the season, it was a large photograph of the New York skyline, complete with Twin Towers. It's now an aerial shot of Hawaii. Oh, yes: the confrontation. Jen's all hands-on-hips-y, wondering how Charlie thought he'd "get away" with this. "Get away with what?" he asks. "Having your cake and eating it too," is the response. ""Hmmm, why is that so arousing to me?" Charlie asks. "Shut up, Charlie," Jen and I say in unison. "Glib makes me mad, glib makes me want to smash your precious vinyl," she says, reaching for one of his records and holding it over her head. Charlie grabs the record from Jen's hands and sputters that they'd never had the commitment talk. None of them! In any of their countless permutations! "Come on, guys, this is college, you know how it is," he pleads. Nora -- for that is Hussy Number Two's name -- asks him to tell them how, exactly, it is. Charlie babbles something about meeting new people and having new experiences and how he never planned this and blah blah blah. He slides between them, sitting on the bed, and informs them that he's truly sorry, and he never wanted to hurt them, and he'd like to make a suggestion. "We can't go back to the way things were. But we can go forward," he says. Jen wonders what he means. "Look at the facts, all right?" Charlie asks. "I mean, I like you. And I like you. And once upon a time, you both liked me. So I propose -- tell me if I'm crazy -- that we all like each other at the same time." He grins. The girls stare at him, and at each other. Charlie is one class act.
At dinner, Audrey announces to her mother that she's thinking about auditioning for Worthington's production of The Seagull. Sue-Ellen approves, and exposits that Audrey acted as a child. "Do you miss it?" she asks. Audrey shakes her head. "No," she says, "I can think of better ways to feel bad about myself." Sue-Ellen spears a vegetable and muses that she misses it. She explains to Joey that she was a "model/actress/whatever" back in the day. Audrey chimes in that her mother was "the Giselle of her time," although Sue-Ellen dismisses this claim, and tells Joey that what she really wanted to do was act. Audrey twists her mouth up as Sue-Ellen tells Joey that she was "up for a role in a Scorsese movie" when she discovered that she was pregnant with Audrey. "I ruined her career," Audrey says. Sue-Ellen sort of shakes her head and explains that she wasn't very good, "not like Audrey." Audrey rolls her eyes. "I sucked!" she scoffs. Sue-Ellen purses her lips and tells her daughter that she didn't suck, she just lacked discipline. Audrey disagrees. "Audrey, please!" Sue-Ellen says. "Since you were a little girl, flitting from one thing to the next: toys, boys, schools. Do you have any idea how many private schools Audrey's been to in the last four years?" Sue-Ellen asks, turning to a horrified-looking Joey. Audrey is beet red. "Six in four years," Sue-Ellen says. "That must be some kind of record." Audrey manages to squeak out that Sue-Ellen is embarrassing her in front of Joey. "Oh, I'm embarrassing you?" Sue-Ellen asks, arching a brow. "I'm so sorry, Audrey, but I don't think you know what it's like to be embarrassed. Not until you have shell out a six-figure donation to some hoity-toity New England college just so they'll consider your daughter, whose academic record is the very definition of embarrassing. The fact that you're here at Worthington at all is a miracle, Audrey. You might learn to appreciate it." There's a moment of silence as Joey watches Audrey die before her eyes. She looks at Sue-Ellen for a moment, then opens her mouth. "I've sat here this entire meal and listened to you do nothing but cut down your daughter," Joey begins. "And I don't know if you're just upset with her because she's not what you want her to be or because she's eighteen and you're not. Audrey may be dramatic, but at least she's never boring. And she may be interested in a lot of different things, but that just makes her well-rounded. And as far as discipline goes, she obviously has a great deal, because no matter what you seem to say to her, she somehow manages to grin and bear it. As you can see, I don't really have that kind of discipline." She throws down her napkin. "Audrey, let's go. There's a party." Audrey grins slyly at Joey, before standing up and following her out of the restaurant. Sue-Ellen just looks down at her coffee cup, a little stunned. Hey, I think that was Old Joey right there. Hey, Old Joey, come back! Old Joey? Wait! Hello? Hello? Aw, shit.
Charlie's Maison de Menage a Trois. Charlie is playing right into Jen's hands. And not the way he hopes. "So, what do you say, Nora?" Jen asks, eyeing her former rival pseudo-seductively. "I'm game if you are, Jen," Nora coos in response. "All right! So, what do you say we get this party started?" Charlie asks. Oh, ew. Anyone who uses the phrase "let's get this party started" in an unironic way deserves whatever they get. Jen tells him to go stand near the door. Charlie fairly scampers into the corner. "So, what now?" he asks. "Strip," Jen replies. Nora shoots her a surprised glance. "You first," Charlie demands. Jen says something about having to leave, and Charlie flutters and sputters and takes off his shirt. Jen and Nora ooh and ahh and giggle flirtatiously. "Oh, don't stop there," Jen tells him, batting her lashes. She slides her hand up Nora's thigh, and Charlie's eyes almost fall out of his skull and onto the floor. He drops his pants and stands before them in his boxers. Poor Chad Michael Murray; he's such a sex object on this show. He's just a piece of meat for the producers. I really have no problem with that. "I believe you have one garment left," Nora tells him. Charlie's practically jumping up and down and squealing and clapping his hands like a twelve-year-old at an *NSYNC concert. He tells the girls that it's their turn to get nekkid. "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Charlie," Jen tells him. "This is not tit for tat. Make no mistake; we're holding the cards. Shut up. And get naked." Ah, that so reminds me of my youth. Anyway. Charlie doesn't need much arm-twisting. He drops trou. "It's not something both you girls ain't seen before," he says, tossing his boxers across the room. "Oh, yes!" Jen exclaims. "You ready?" he asks. "You bet," she tells him, and asks him to close his eyes. "Why?" Charlie asks. Jen twitters that it's their turn to get naked, and they're "shy." "This is so cool," Charlie breathes, as Nora, behind him, opens his door. Jen and Nora exchange a smirk and back Charlie into the doorjamb. You think he'd feel a draft. Then they shove him, naked, into the hallway and, following him, slam the door shut. Charlie's eyes snap open. He yelps. Jen and Nora snicker, and run away. All of Charlie's floormates stare and point. He grabs a flyer off the wall and holds it over his goodies. "Hey, come on!" he yells at the spectators. "Move it along, nothing to see here!"