Previously, on Dawson's Creek: Capeside Six Feet Under-ed the Flash; Dawson convinced himself that his father's tragic death was entirely his fault; Jen started having sex with someone she knows absolutely nothing about, other than the fact that he's really cute; Pacey got a job in a restaurant and infuriated the bitchy waitress who wanted the gig; Jack made plans to join a fraternity and Tobey called him "the gay Uncle Tom"; Dawson told Joey he wanted to be alone and Joey cried about it.
Leery House for Widows and Orphans. The Widow Leery is upstairs in the bedroom, folding blankets and sheets, while the Orphan Dawson is yammering on and on and on about all the chores he's done for her: fixing the clogged bathtub, paying all the month's bills, getting Lily a new pacifier. Gale just keeps folding and finally tells her son, irritably, that he ought to "take a break." She has no more chores for him. Dawson just stares at her. "Okay," he mumbles. "So what about taking Joey up on her offer?" Gale asks. "She's been calling just about every day asking you to go see her." Dawson twitches, and explains that "it's been so hectic" lately, what with all the Man of the House stuff he's been doing. He bites his lips. Gale reiterates that she's perfectly fine, and that he can go away for a weekend without her falling apart. She tells him to go to Boston to see his friends. "Lily and I will be right here when you come back," she chirps, and, hoisting her basket of linens, leaves the room. Dawson stares after her gloomily, and sits in the windowsill and stares at the phone.
Hang on a sec. Paula Cole doesn't want to wait? Why didn't anybody tell me?
Worthington College For Neurotic Motherless Children And Their Sassy Roommates. Joey and Audrey are jogging. Well, Joey is jogging. Audrey is panting and flailing. "So, when you go out for a jog," Audrey exhales, "you're actually…" Joey looks at her. "Jogging, yes," she says. "You're not just ditching me to go have some iced cap frappe-y thing by yourself?" Audrey pants. "Because, you realize," she continues, "I never would have signed on for this little group bonding session if I thought real exercise was involved." Audrey is a girl after my own heart. I personally prefer to lose weight by mainlining speed and eating only Cheetos, rather than actually exercising. Not really. Say no to drugs! Although, actually, the Cheetos part is true. Seriously, for, like, a period of two weeks in August, all I wanted to eat was Cheetos, and I seriously lost, like, five pounds. I turned orange, but, you know, everything's a trade-off. Anyway, Audrey, panting, flops down on a bench. "Must. Sit," she heaves. Joey jogs a few more paces before realizing that she's lost her roommate. She lopes back to Audrey, and promptly loses her mind.
"Okay, well, let's review," she says maniacally, and goes over the entire plan for her weekend with Dunston; movies, pizza, more movies, more pizza, as little talking or looking at each other as possible. My Weekend With Dunston is, I think, the little-known sequel to My Dinner With Andre. "I'll keep everything very low-key," Joey finishes. She's really freaking out. "Low-key doesn't generally involve such a carefully planned itinerary, but whatever," Audrey says. Joey makes a nervous face, and flings her arms around, and twitches and tells Audrey that the itinerary is in case "things get weird" with Dawson. "No thinking on my feet required," she explains. She's talking a mile a minute. Audrey wonders why Joey is so freaked out. "It's Dawson," she points out. "You've known each other since you were…placenta." Joey blinks and nods. "Exactly. It's Dawson. My best friend in the entire world, who needs me right now more than he probably ever has, and that's a lot of pressure, and, you know, what if I mess up and I say all of the wrong things and at the end of the day, I'm not enough?" she asks. Throughout this speech, Audrey is making an hysterical "what the hell" face, which she shakes off in order to make with the advice. "Okay," she pants, "so you have a little bit of performance anxiety. No big thing. Seen it a couple of times myself." Joey shakes her head and says it's "not that." She's not just scared of botching up this one event, she says, she's "afraid [she's] going to botch up [her] entire future with the only…." She cuts herself off. Please don't let the end of that sentence be "the only man I've ever truly loved." She just wants Dawson to have a nice relaxing weekend, she says. Audrey wonders why she doesn't just ask Dawson what he'd like to do, but Joey thinks "making decisions" is too stressful for Dawson to handle. And she's not going to broach any of the conversations they ought to be having; no talking about the kiss, no talking about him moving to Boston, nothing. "No talking at all," Joey says. "Sounds like a party," Audrey comments wryly. "Well, parties are stressful," Joey responds seriously. Audrey shoots her yet another "have you gone round the bend?" look and opens her mouth to say something.
Just then, Professor "Wilder? I Don't Even Know Her!" speeds up on his bike, calling Joey's name. She's "just the person [he] wanted to see." He glides to a stop in front of the girls, and Audrey responds by leaping to her feet, thrusting out her chest, and making goo-goo eyes in Wilder's direction. "Quick!" Wilder says. "Rose Lazar?" Joey makes a thoughtful face. "Famous dead writer from the twenties. Like Dorothy Parker, but not," she answers. Behind Joey, Audrey bats her eyelashes. "Yes, ding ding ding!" Wilder says. "Rose Lazar's husband?" Joey bites her bottom lip. "Mr. Lazar?" she asks. "Yes. And also dead. Just died, in fact. Which means?" Wilder asks. "We're very sad?" Joey offers. "Noooo," Wilder says. "I mean, yes, but no." He goes on to inform Joey that, now that the poor, unmourned Mr. Lazar has gone to join the Flash in the big 31 Flavors in the sky, Ms Lazar's estate is the property of Worthington College For Very Smart People. Although Wilder uses the word "estate," I assume the presumably fictional Ms Lazar has only bequeathed her papers to the college, rather than her entire estate, china and Waterford and cigarette holders and all. "Did you know she went here?" Wilder asks Joey. "Well, she did." And he gets to "inventory her estate." Joey smiles. "Wow!" she chirps. "Congratulations. That means…I have no idea what that means." Wilder explains that it means that he, basically, gets the privilege of digging through all of her papers; diaries, unpublished manuscripts, correspondence. He also gets to decide if any of it is of any literary worth, or deserves to be published. "I'm putting together a team," he tells her. "Five students, to help with the sifting, the cataloging, the filing, and you're going to be part of that team. Say yes." Joey looks slightly stunned. "Yes, yes!" Audrey answers for her, and Joey joins in eventually. She's thrilled, understandably. And elsewhere on campus, a graduate student who's writing a thesis on lesbian imagery in the works of lesser-known female writers of the 1920s is plotting Joey's death. Because it's pretty damn unusual for a freshman who doesn't even have a major yet, as far as we know, to be handpicked for a project like this, something the majority of English majors would give their eye-teeth for, if they already didn't have their eye-teeth forcibly removed for ending a sentence with a preposition, something I just artfully avoided by adding this clause (run-on sentences? Less serious offense).
But anyway. Wilder wants Joey on his little team because she has a brilliant mind that he wants to nurture. Also, because he wants to jump her bones. He explains that he's giving a party at his place that weekend to celebrate the project, and he'd like her to drop by. Joey's face falls, and she demurs, citing "a friend in town." "Bring her!" Wilder invites. "Him," Joey corrects. "Bring him," Wilder says. Joey makes a face and explains that there was "a death in the family," so he might not be in a party mood. Because parties are stressful. "You're off the team," Wilder deadpans. "What?" Joey gasps. "Just kidding. You're still on the team," Wilder assures her. "But try make it; I'm serving brie." With this, he rides off, not knowing that Joey will be far too sensitive to bring Dawson to a party where dairy products are the featured foodstuff. "I love brie!" Audrey chirps after Wilder's retreating form. Heh. "I'm on a team?" Joey wonders to herself. Audrey, still staring after Wilder, wonders if it's too late to transfer into his class. Joey chortles and throws her arm around Audrey's shoulders. They smile, and Joey starts to jog off. "Nooooo, I can't!" Audrey calls after her, stumbling exhausted down the path.
Boston Bay College For Cheating, Shakespeare-Hating Former Prepsters. Jen's playing with Charlie's guitar while he massages her back. She makes a pained face. "Is that your elbow? Because that's kind of digging into me." Charlie removes the offending body part, explaining that "it's called rolfing. It's a more intense form of massage." He read about it in InStyle. Jen complains that she prefers regular old "Swedish massage." Man, you know you've got it good when you're complaining about the genre of massage you're receiving from your dreamy boyfriend. Jen wants to know if Charlie will accompany her to see Othello at a local playhouse; she's required to go for one of her classes. Charlie is quick to point out that he has to work, and also that he hates Shakespeare. Jen is only slightly offended by her boyfriend's lack of culture, because he quickly distracts her by sticking his tongue down her throat.
Liberty Hell. Apparently, the restaurant is actually called "Civilization," according to Entertainment Weekly and the sharp-eyed people on the forums who read the teeny-tiny print on the chef's caps, but I'm sticking with the original name. It's on the sign! Anyway, Danny The Chef is teaching Pacey and the rest of the boys in the back how to play quarters. Well, he's showing them how to bounce the quarter into the glass. They're not doing the fun part, which is drinking when you miss. "You've got to bounce it," Danny says, as his quarter clinks neatly into the glass. "You're my hero. You are my hero," Pacey tells him, as Karen enters the kitchen. How has Pacey not learned to play quarters by this point? Wouldn't Gretchen -- you know what? Never mind. All the men pretend like they're working, and Karen rolls her eyes. "Save it," she spits. "I can smell the male bonding from behind the door. And the odor is pungent." She tosses something onto the table -- a towel? Her soul? I don't know. And since when is quarters a male-only thing? Pacey charms that maybe the smell was just "his pheromones" calling to her. "Maybe you just need stronger deodorant," Karen retorts, bouncing the quarter into the glass herself. Every man in the kitchen looks admiringly after her, as she waltzes back out into the dining area. As if. Listen, if all it took to get men panting after you was a bad attitude and a knack for drinking games, I'd be turning people away at the door. "Good luck, my friend," Danny tells Pacey, who's doing his best to look lovelorn. "I've seen better men try and fail. Why don't you come over here and sit on my lap, and tell me all about it?" Well, except for that last part. Pacey grins at him. "Yes," he says, "but did they have a fifty-foot yacht to try and lure her with?" Is that a euphemism? Chef Danny admits that they did not, and takes this opportunity to ask if he can borrow the boat one evening, offering Pacey the night off in exchange. Is that a euphemism? You know, "borrowing the boat"? If it's not, it ought to be. At any rate, Pacey agrees to the deal, and finally neatly bounces a quarter into the glass. He and Chef Danny yell victoriously and jump up and down, embracing each other. I think they both need to get out more. I mean, I jump up and down about a lot of things -- getting my unemployment check, finding the toenail clippers, seeing a commercial about the new Harry Potter movie -- but not quarters. Because jumping plus drinking equals barfing.
Martha Stewart's Frat House. Jack plays pool in a game room that looks more like something out of Nelson Rockefeller's place in Newport than the typical shitty fraternity rec room. He's playing with two other pledges, whose names I don't catch. I'm calling one of them "Red," since he has red hair, and the other "Caesar," because he has that Caesar haircut that George Clooney worked to far greater advantage. In 1998. Anyway, they're talking about all the crap they have to do during Hell Week. Apparently, all the pledges are on call, 24 hours a day, to do whatever anyone in the frat could possibly want, from tying shoes to picking up dry-cleaning. Jack tells his companions that he's heard that if "you can guess Polar Bear's real name," you get to skip the rest of Hell Week. "Dude, what do you think his name is?" asks Caesar. "I don't know," Jack says. "Probably something stupid, like 'John.'" Instead of, say, something stupid like "Kerr." Red chortles and leans down to line up a shot. "Maybe his real initials are 'PB,'" he offers, "Like, you know, 'Perry Bastille.'" Caesar and Jack burst out laughing. "He could be French. What?" Red asks. Heh. Sorry, that was kind of funny. It was all in the delivery. thing you know, Jack looks up and sees Tobey loping into the room. "Tobey!" he shouts. "What the hell kind of name is 'Tobey'?" Caesar wonders, as Jack and Tobey embrace. "What are you doing here?" Jack asks, sounding pleased to see him, but a bit stunned. "Surprise," Tobey says. Jack grins, but sputters that he had no idea Tobey was coming. He throws his arm around his boyfriend and introduces him to Red and Caesar…but not vice versa, so we don't get any names. "Hey," Red says. "Right on," Caesar offers. One of their cell phones rings; it's Caesar's. He runs off to, I don't know, pick up the new Limp Bizkit CD for Chet, Chad, or Brad. Tobey watches as Jack is fascinated by Caesar's newest task. Eventually, the two of them run off into the night together, leaving poor Red all alone with his pool cue.
On the way back to Grams's, Jack tells Tobey all about Pledge Week, and how it's way less hardcore than it used to be: more errands, less masturbating onto a piece of Wonder Bread. Tobey nods and pretends to care. "I guess you could be doing something with cattle," Tobey says. "What?" Jack laughs. "I saw it on HBO!" Tobey insists. HBO is, I've found, a very reliable source of information. I've learned, for example, that a guy with one ball can impregnate a woman with a lazy ovary, that they'll let you share a cell with your sibling if you both end up in the pokey, and that Donnie Wahlberg is actually the most talented member of NKOTB. Jack tells Tobey that "Hell Week is nothing more than a way to bond the pledges together." He then tells Tobey that this week is going to be insane, and he wishes he'd have more time to spend with him. "You will have some time, right?" Tobey asks. Jack swears he'll make time. And this is why the pop-in is never a good idea, especially when it's a transcontinental, overnight-type pop-in. You just never know when you'll find the popped-in-upon in her jammies, eating cold pizza and Krispy Kremes and watching the episode of thirtysomething where they find out that Nancy has the cancer, thus unable to devote her full attention to you. Or, you know, all loaded down with school and social obligations that cannot be rescheduled. Jack swears that he only has one tiny little thing to do for the Stepford Frat the day, and then they can gallivant gaily all over Boston. See what I did there? With the "gaily"? Because they're gay? Shut up.
Worthington College For Young Ladies Of Boston; The Biggest Dormitory In The Whole Wide World! Audrey's painting her toenails; Joey's cleaning like a maniac. She sprays Windex all over the place. "Jo?" Audrey says. "You just 409ed my face." Joey twitches and apologizes. Audrey wonders what happened to "low-key, no stress?" Joey sniffs. "What happened to you leaving before he gets here?" she asks. You know, I think that at a time like this, Audrey is exactly what Dawson needs: someone who has no history with him, who won't spend the entire weekend trying to figure out what to say so as not to offend him, someone totally divorced from the Flash situation. Instead of pointing this out, though, Audrey just tells Joey that she has plenty of time before Dawson shows up. At this point, of course, someone knocks at the door. It's Agents Mulder and Scully, looking for a strange creature with an abnormally large skull that sucks the spine out of adolescent girls. They've heard that he's in the area. Whoops, wrong show. It's just Dawson.
"So, I'll be going now," Audrey announces, as Joey answers the door and throws her arms around Dawson. "Hi gorgeous, bye gorgeous," Audrey tells him, squeezing past the Head and out the door. "So, she's still weird then," Dawson comments. Yeah, she just called you "gorgeous." Oh, come on! They handed that to me! Joey smiles as Dawson tosses his bag down and asks how she's been doing. She tells him she's been great! "I mean, I'm okay," she corrects, as if being "great" is insensitive in this, Dawson's Time Of Need. She begins to tell him about being part of Team Wilder, but stops herself, saying that "it's not a big deal." She thinks about that for a moment. "And it's actually kind of confusing," she adds. "To me. Not that you would be confused by it. Anyway. How are you?" she sputters. Dawson looks perplexed. "I'm okay," he says slowly. They stare at each other for a moment, before Joey hops up and hands him a book she picked up for him. It's called How To Deal With Your Parents [sic] Death. Sounds like a barnburner. She does the half-mouthed smile thing and tells him that she wishes someone would have gotten it for her "when [her] mom…" She trails off. Dawson thanks her, fairly sincerely. Joey then launches into her spiel about them watching movies and eating pizza and sitting in the dark and not talking. "All day?" Dawson asks. Joey starts backtracking, but Dawson interrupts and admits that he's sort of tired anyway. "I thought you might be!" Joey chirps. "Well, you were right," Dawson tells her. She scampers over to find the movies, and Dawson makes a face like this is going to be one long sucky weekend.
Grams's. Jen's walking through the house, talking to Pacey on the cordless. She's trying to convince him to accompany her to the play that evening. Pacey must have asked what play it was, because Jen tells him very, very quickly that it's Shakespeare. She then holds the phone away from her ear, and starts talking very quickly and loudly. "Okay, great, so I'll pick you up at seven, see you later on tonight, bye," she rattles off, and hangs up. Tobey's just entered the kitchen. She smiles at him. "Men. I swear, you gotta ram culture down their throats," she says. I know there's a dirty joke in there somewhere. Tobey laughs politely, and looks around the kitchen. Jen offers that she thought he was out meeting Jack. Tobey tells her that he thought so, too. Jack never showed. "I can't believe he flaked on you for those frat morons," Jen says. Tobey puts on a brave face and makes some excuses for Jack, but Jen won't hear them. "The very least that he could do is loosen his grasp on his beer bong and be on time," she says. Dude. There's nothing wrong with beer bongs. Tobey points out Jack had "an obligation," which is true. Jen insists that Jack is "obsessed" with Sig Ep and is "turning into a pod person." Jeez. He's just meeting new people. I mean, they are a little Stepford, but joining a frat doesn't automatically make you the Bride of Satan. Tobey tells Jen that he doesn't think Jack "has the pod mentality." He smiles, sheepishly, and then goes out to wait for Jack some more. Poor Tobey. This is why the pop-in is a bad idea! Damn the pop-in! The pop-in never ends well! Never!
Worthington Dormitory. Joey and Dawson are watching TV. Why would he come all that way just to watch the tube? At the very least, couldn't they have gone to the movies? Seriously, movie-watching is way more distracting than TV watching, mostly because of being in the dark. Also, the popcorn and snacks. They're watching Charlie's Angels, and I guess there's some point in the movie that I don't recall which features a big old dramatic car crash, and Dawson looks uncomfortable only because Joey totally freaks out and ends up, like, unplugging the TV from the wall and wailing in pain and tearing out her own eyeballs as penance for being so insensitive as to inflict that upon him. Joey apologizes. Dawson doesn't really seem to care. He just looks weary. "You must think I'm the most insensitive idiot on the planet," Joey wails. Dude, Joey. Chill. Dawson has enough to deal with right now without also being responsible for constantly reassuring you that you're handling his problems correctly. Dawson makes the same face that Audrey made during the open scene (the "sweet fancy Jesus, woman, have you gone completely 'round the bend?" face). "Joey. It's okay," Dawson says. She blathers about how it's not okay, because this is his time to freak out, not her time to freak out, and she's robbing him of his time to freak out. Dawson's like, oh my God, freakshow, chill out. Joey keeps babbling, this time about how she's supposed to be making him feel better. "You're not supposed to be doing anything," Dawson points out. "Maybe Audrey was right," Joey sighs. "Maybe we should have gone out." Dawson raises his eyebrows. "Then let's go out," he suggests calmly. Joey mentions that her professor is having a party. "Apparently, there's going to be brie," she says. I'm beginning to think that the Dawson's Creek writers have an obsession with dairy products. The Ice Cream Cone Of Death? The Brie of…well, I guess that remains to be seen. "I love brie," Dawson says. "Everybody does," Joey responds, and scoots off to grab her coat. Dawson blinks, like this is shaping up to be the worst weekend ever. This scene has been brought to you by the California Cheese Council. California: It's the Cheese.
The Streets Of Boston: Jen, in a cute shearling-lined jacket, and Pacey, in a cute brown suede-y looking coat, walk down the street and chat. Pacey's yammering about Karen. Apparently, she's "feisty" and "smart" and he can "feel the love connection." He tells Jen that they're in that third-grade flirting stage, i.e. they spend a lot of time pulling each other's pigtails and calling each other "butthole." Jen sighs that she's so glad she's not single anymore. As soon as the words are out of her mouth, a knock comes at my door. I pause the tape and answer it. It's Foreshadowing, looking completely bedraggled. "Hey," he pants. "Sorry it took me so long to get here. Do you know how long it takes to hitchhike from Toronto to Los Angeles? Hey, are those Cheetos?" After Jen finishes digging her own grave, Pacey launches into a long spiel about Chef Danny, and how Danny's like his mentor and how he's just like Pacey, only older. "So, what you're saying is, when you grow up, you basically want to be yourself," Jen asks. "Yeah. I'm very well adjusted," Pacey says. Heh. These two are awfully cute together. They keep walking down the street, all cute clothes and satisfied relationships and starring roles on flailing, creatively bankrupt television shows. Eventually, they walk past a little café. Who is sitting right in the window? Charlie. With a girl. Holding her hand. Because when you're cheating on your girlfriend, you definitely want to do it in broad daylight. "Isn't that your boyfriend?" Pacey asks. "Yeah," Jen grits. "I thought he was working tonight," Pacey says. "That's what he told me," Jen says. It is at this point that she wigs, heading for the door of the café at a dead run. Pacey grabs her by one arm and pulls her back, and asks her what she's doing. Jen yells that she's going in there and "beating his ass!" Pacey physically moves her away from the door once again. I have to say, these two are quite good at this whole physical comedy thing. They've got to get off this show. "Easy, Thelma," Pacey counsels mildly. "Now, you don't know what's going on," he continues. Jen fumes inarticulately as Pacey points out that this could all easily be a mere "communication problem." He advises her to call Charlie tomorrow, and calmly ask for an explanation. "WHAT POSSIBLE EXPLAN --" Jen begins, before Pacey cuts her off. "Volume," he says. "Either way," he continues. "you'll be calmer, more rational, and happy that you waited, because you will have gained the upper hand." Jen smiles at him widely, and cheerfully agrees. Then she runs for the door. Pacey darts after her and slings her, fireman-style, over his shoulder, and carries her away. Why don't I have cute boys carrying me around fireman-style?
Expensive And Anonymous Restaurant Containing Ugly Blue Lamps On Each Table. Jack and Tobey are having An Awkward Conversation; Jack is waxing poetic about the wonders of fraternity life, and Tobey is biting his tongue. This all devolves into bitching about Jack standing Tobey up earlier that day. "You could have called," Tobey says. Jack reminds him that he doesn't have a cell phone, "for reasons [Jack] still doesn't understand." Tobey looks at him incredulously. "Brain tumors!" he says. Jack almost smiles, and tells Tobey that due to this lack of cellular technology, he couldn't call him and tell him he was running late, and he certainly couldn't just leave the Mysterious Pledge Event. Tobey asks what Jack was doing with the Frat Boys of the Corn that was so darned important. Jack explains that he can't tell him; it's a secret! Apparently, pledging a frat is like jury duty; you're not allowed to talk about what you do all day with members of your own family. This explanation doesn't fly with Tobey. "Whatever!" he huffs. Jack tells him not to "get all girlfriend-y" on him. Tobey makes a hugely offended face and sniffs that he'll pretend he didn't hear that. Jack apologizes. "Let's just not say it again," Tobey says. Jack agrees and starts the kissing up, telling Tobey he looks really great, and that he misses him. Just as Tobey is starting to warm back up, Jack's cell phone rings. It is, naturally, his fraternity. Tobey sighs massively, and Jack tries, half-assedly, to get out of whatever dingbat scheme the FBoC have in store for him this time. Tobey tells him to go. Jack's all, "Are you sure?" "Go," Tobey says. "You are amazing. You know that, right?" Jack asks him, hanging up. "That's what all the boys say," Tobey says wearily. ["And the girls. Swoon." -- Sars] Jack tosses some cash on the table and tells Tobey that this latest errand won't take long. They can meet up back at the house and go out when he gets back, since it'll still be early. "Have fun," Tobey calls forlornly after him, and stares sadly at his salad. "You are the only one. You are the lonely one," the soundtrack sings. Man, there are so many problems with these two! First, Tobey should have called before hopping on a plane and expecting Jack to devote his entire weekend to him. It's easy to blame Jack for putting his frat before Tobey, but the truth of the matter is that, for whatever reason, Sig Ep is important to Jack, and he made a prior commitment to them. Not to mention the fact that Tobey wouldn't be nearly as peeved if Jack was running off to a PETA meeting. Also! If Tobey really didn't want Jack to leave, he shouldn't have told him to go! There's nothing more infuriating than someone who tells you one thing, but means the opposite, and expects you to psychically divine that. No wonder these two are having problems. Don't worry, Jack haters; I'll get to his bratty behavior later.
Over at the playhouse, a shell-shocked Jen and an apologetic Pacey crawl over the already seated patrons to find their seats. In an attempt to make non-Charlie conversation, Pacey asks Jen for a "Cliffs Notes version" of the play they're about to see, Othello<
/I>. Jen provides the basics: Othello thinks his wife is cheating on him, so he kills her and then himself. Pacey makes a face like he's profoundly sorry he asked. They sit there in silence a moment before Jen leaps out of her seat and scrambles past Pacey to get out of there. Pacey sighs and gives chase.
Professor Wilder's House Of Inappropriate Behavior Toward Freshmen. Enter Joey and Dawson. Joey attempts to introduce Dawson to Wilder, but Dawson begs off and runs to the bathroom, where he splashes water on his face and stares at himself in the mirror. He looks like the protagonist in a teen movie about the dangers of drug use who's just hit rock bottom and realizes that if he doesn't get help soon, he'll lose everything he's worked so hard to accomplish. Or something. Whatever. You know what strikes me most in this scene, though? Those crazy bangs Dawson is sporting now. They look like the wiglet Courteney Cox wore in Scream III.
Elsewhere in Boston -- and despite Pacey's seasoned advice to the contrary -- Jen runs pell-mell into the restaurant to confront Charlie. Pacey follows at a discreet distance as she races right over to Charlie's table, where he's sharing a fancy coffee drink with the non-Jen companion. Jen feigns surprise at seeing him there, and borrows a chair from another table in order to join the two of them. He's about to introduce her to his lady companion, but Jen won't let him get a word in edgewise. She's chattering about coffee drinks and how much she loves them, and she takes the glass in front of Charlie and, in the grand tradition of second-rate, predictable entertainment everywhere, pours the drink into his lap. Charlie yelps. Jen grabs a spoon and starts flinging the whipped cream from the other drink onto Charlie's pants. "How about some whipped cream, huh?" she asks, angrily. "That is really! Tasty! Stuff!" Charlie manages, finally, to say something. The girl? His sister. Wow, if I'd never watched television before, that really would have surprised me. Behind them, Pacey bursts out laughing. "Your sister?" Jen asks. "Oh. I…" she trails off, and smiles sheepishly.
So, Jack is still hanging at the frat house with Red and Caesar. They complain about how long this particular task -- whatever it is -- is taking. Caesar thinks they're getting fitted for their blazers, and says that he heard that their initiation is the day. Jack's surprised that it's so soon, and tells his friends that if he has to bail on Tobey again, he's really going to be in the doghouse. "Man troubles?" Caesar asks. "Let me guess. He's not really digging you spending all your time with the fellows. He's wanting to know where you've been and what you're up to." Jack admits that this is so; Red and Caesar explain that their girlfriends are very much the same way. Red complains that his girlfriend is always pestering him to tell her what they do in the house, and he's all, "If I told you, you'd be one of my brothers." Ew. I don't exactly know why, but: ew. Caesar drawls that they have to "draw the line somewhere." Jack agrees, but points out that Tobey came all the way across the country to see him. Caesar dismisses this as a "hostile takeover," and tells him that Tobey should have called. You know what I just noticed? Jack's lost the flippy mullet! Praise God. "Maybe he just wanted to surprise me," Jack offers. "What kind of weak-ass move is that?" Caesar asks, adding that Tobey is keeping Jack from meeting new people. Jack says that there's "no way" Tobey came out there to "check on" him. "He's a clever dude, man. He is well aware of the hot-guy quotient of this campus. Do you think Tobey doesn't know you could have your pick of the litter?" Caesar asks. Jack thinks about this. "You do dress well," Red points out. "Dump the chump and get on with your life," Caesar says. "Plenty of other fish in the sea, dude," Red tells him. "Time to go swimming," Caesar says. "Be the shark," Red says. Jack sits back and makes a thoughtful face.
Over at Professor Creepy's House Party, Dawson mopes in the kitchen and watches Joey chat with Wilder and some other old professor-type dude. He looks sick; all pasty and breathing hard. A pretty girl wanders into the kitchen, and, against all odds, starts flirting with him, telling him he looks thirsty. He sort of blows her off, asking if she feels hot. Because he's hot. Heat hot, not, like, good-looking hot. Although the hair is an improvement. The girl turns and opens a window for him, but when she turns to back to Dawson, he's running out of the kitchen. Her face falls.
In the living room, Dawson grabs Joey's arm and tells her that they have to leave the party, immediately. She tries to introduce him to Wilder before they leave, but he can't do it. He runs out of the house. Joey makes an apologetic face and follows him. Wilder and the other professor guy just shrug, and go back to the brie.
Outside, Dawson's panting and leaning over a wall. I think he's having a panic attack. I had a panic attack once, and I don't recommend them; they're quite horrible. Joey wonders what the heck is going on; Dawson explains that he just couldn't stay inside that house one more second. He knows that he was the one who wanted to go out, but he just couldn't handle it once they got there. He then tells her some story about almost losing it in the grocery store one day, and says it felt like "a total, complete loss of control." Joey points out that he didn't lose control, that he manages to hold it together, but Dawson brushes this aside and tells her that he can't handle "random emotion that blindsides him out of nowhere." And he knows he wanted to come to the party, but as soon as he got there, he "like, changed his mind" for no good reason. "That's allowed. It's allowed!" Joey tells him, pleadingly. Dawson huffs and flares, and tells her that he was really, really hot inside the house. It was really hot. He was too hot! Joey mildly says that the house was a little warm, but she thinks he might be getting the flu. Hey, maybe Dawson has the anthrax! They go back to the dorm to assess his physical condition. Not like that. Ew.
Jen and Charlie walk down the street, and talk about her little mistake. She says that she saw Charlie holding his sister's arm, and…Charlie tells her that he was looking at his sister's engagement ring. Jen sputters about the general niceness of being engaged, and then points out that Charlie told her he was working. He was, he says, but his shift got changed, and he couldn't call her to tell her because she was supposed to be at the play. "Then my sister called and told me she had big news. And the rest? The rest is on my pants." Wow, if I had a dollar for the number of times -- never mind. Jen blushes and offers to wash Charlie's pants for him. To do all his laundry, for that matter. For a month! Charlie just nods. "That's a start," he says. Dude. I don't know if it's a good sign that he's so willing to let her do his laundry. Doing someone's laundry, unless you're married or whatever, is sort of gross and subservient. On the other hand, she did humiliate him in public. I don't know. Moving right along. "I screwed up. I'm sorry," Jen says. Charlie takes her face in his hands and tells her that she has to learn to trust him. Besides, he points out, she was spending the day with Pacey. Would it have been cool for him to jump to conclusions if he'd seen them together? "No," Jen says. Charlie says he wouldn't have, because he trusts her, and they have "something special" Yes, if "something special" means "great sex." Which, actually, it sort of does. Jen nods, and tells him that she agrees, one hundred percent. He's totally right. "Of course I'm right," Charlie says. "I'm always right." Jen smirks and tells him that she'll "let that one slide, but only because [he has] whipped cream on [his] crotch." He grins. They hug.
Back at Grams's, Jack walks in to the living room and finds Tobey watching a movie about the military. Is that some kind of statement about the Don't Ask, Don't Tell attitude this show takes toward Jack's sex life? Cue the apologies and recriminations, including but not limited to: "I don't want to hear it," "What do you want me to do?" "Your frat is more important to you than I am," and "I'm here for four years. What am I supposed to do when you leave here tomorrow?" Blah blah Jack needs a social life in Boston, blee blee he feels really great about having one and being open about his sexual orientation at the same time. Yada yada he feels like he belongs at Sig Ep, yammer yammer they know he's gay, and they don't care. "Tobey, they wanted me," Jack says. "So now, I just get to be Jack." Just Jack! Sorry. Anyway, Jack thought Tobey would understand this, that he needs to make friends here in Boston, especially since they're so far apart. "Maybe they were right," Jack muses. "They who?" Tobey asks. "You talked about our relationship with total strangers?" Jack insists that Red and Caesar are his friends. "You just met them, Jack," Tobey says. "My God! Just because they know you're gay doesn't mean they know you!" Jack insists that relationship problems are universal. "You don't have to be gay to understand the concept of a jealous boyfriend," he says. Tobey grimaces. "You think I'm jealous?" he asks. Jack is all, duh. Tobey just wants to be Jack's number one priority. Are you thirty-five, Tobey? You guys are college freshmen, in a long-distance relationship. Shouldn't making new friends also be important? I don't mean to be a Frat Apologist, since I think there are a lot of weird things about the Greek system, but the fact of the matter is that Jack is really into it. And a lot of people get involved with the Greek system right off the bat because it provides a support system and an automatic social life. I think that's a sort of an understandable urge. Anyway, Tobey tells Jack that he is Tobey's first priority. All he does, he says, is think about Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack. I think that maybe Tobey should branch out a bit more at his own college. I don't know a whole lot of people who have made the long-distance thing work, but those that have make it a point to have full, satisfying lives away from each other. Now, of course, the whole Gay Guy In A Traditional Frat thing is an entirely different sidebar, which I'm sure I'll get to later. Tobey sniffs that he's clearly not Jack's first priority, and he stomps out of the living room. Jack leans back on the sofa and looks irritated.
Liberty Hell. Pacey's in the kitchen. Enter Karen. "Karen Torres!" Pacey announces. "Light of my life. Cherry flavored Kool-Aid in my cup." Instead of giggling uncontrollably, like I would have, Karen smirks. "Good morning, freak," she says. She seems to have toned down the cruelty a little bit, though, and even smiles when she gets Pacey to admit that he does some scheming in order to work the same shifts that she does. Then she does something I applaud: she leaves. Enter Chef Danny's Wife, who's sniffling and sneezing. She's looking for Chef Danny. Pacey wonders if she had an enjoyable time the night before. She says she did, "if you call going through eight boxes of Kleenex fun." As Pacey realizes that The Wife wasn't the woman out on his boat, she mentions that Danny talks about Pacey nonstop. "Apparently, you're his new favorite," she tells him.
Back at Worthington, Joey watches Dawson pack his things. He's tired, he tells her, but okay. He zips his bag, and thanks her. "All events to the contrary, you really did make me feel better," he says. Joey whimpers something. "Of course you did," he says, and hugs her. Joey wrings her hands, and assures Dawson that he's always welcome. He tells her that he'll call her, and he leaves. She makes a mopey face and looks over at the bed. Dawson has left the book she gave him.
Outside Grams's place, Tobey and Jen wait for his cab. Tobey leans against a railing and wishes that Jack would come after him and ask him to stay. "What is that?" he asks. "What is what?" Jen wonders. "That stupid fantasy you have where the guy who broke your heart suddenly realizes he's made the biggest mistake of his life and he finds you, wherever you are, and comes running up to you and says, 'I can't live without you. You are my entire universe. And if you don't take me back right now, I will never love anyone again.' Where does this fantasy come from?" Movies, Jen and I tell him in unison. "And that little place in your heart that harbors hope," Jen says. She tells Tobey that Jack will regret this. That knowledge is scant comfort for Tobey, who tells her that "someone always gets hurt worse" during a break-up, and this time, it's him. Country music twangs plaintively in the background, as the taxi pulls up and Jen and Tobey embrace. "Hold onto that Charlie," Tobey tells her. "He seems like he could be a good egg." Jen nods. Tobey takes one last look down the Jack-less sidewalk, and quietly tells Jen that he really thought Jack would come for him. Then he leaves. Bummer.
Liberty Hell. Danny breezes into the kitchen and thanks Pacey for the use of his boat; he and the wife had a ball. "I'm glad," Pacey says sadly, thinking about how his mentor is a big fat cheating bastard.
Grams's Home For Mean Frat Boys And Girls Who Are About To Be Disappointed In Their Boyfriends. Jen's making an "I'm Sorry" basket for Charlie, with a balloon and cookies and fruit. Doing his laundry isn't enough? Jack comes into the kitchen, wearing his frat blazer and tie. "I did it; I'm officially a brother!" he crows. "Congratulations. You officially suck," Jen responds. You know, Jen's being kind of judgmental about this whole frat thing. Yeah, she doesn't like them, but Jack does. Whatever happened to keeping your mouth shut? It seems to me that Jack will discover the darker side of the Greek system soon enough, anyway. I knew several guys who rushed and joined fraternities when I was a freshman and by the time we were juniors, all of them had quit.. "Whatever!" Jack says, and starts to head to his room to change his clothes. "You broke his heart. Do you even care? Because you don't seem too bent out of shape about it," Jen tells him. Jack doesn't want to discuss it. "What do you want from me?" he asks Jen. Jen wants him to "think about what [he] gave up." Jack's all, I know. "I don't even feel like I know you anymore," Jen tells him. "We haven't really been friends since you got involved with this…frat." She says the word "frat" the way other people would say "apocalyptic cult." I guess I just don't get why people are acting like Jack's new hobby is killing puppies over the weekend. He's the only person who knows if he feels comfortable as a gay guy in a fraternity, and if he does, then I don't know why everyone else doesn't keep his or her mouth shut. Admittedly, Jack handled the Tobey thing poorly, but I think that's because Jack's a jerk, not because he's in a fraternity. Or is that one of those chicken/egg things? Anyway, he tells her that he hasn't seen her much either, since she's always off with Charlie. Jen sputters that he's not being fair. "Why should I be fair, Jen? You haven't been fair to me in months," Jack tells her. "Look, we are all growing apart. Okay? So, maybe I wanted to spare Tobey a little bit of pain." Jen asks what that means. "It means…I want to meet new people. I want to have new experiences. And I don't want to have to worry about hurting someone else in the process." Jen says he should have told Tobey that. "I'm telling you that," Jack says. Oh. Well, he could have spared her some pain, I think, by saying that a little bit more diplomatically. Jen looks down, hurt. "Okay," she says, slowly, and says that she has to leave, to give Charlie his Basket O' Groveling. "Yeah," Jack says.
Poor Jen. She's having a really bad day. See, first Jack told her that he wants to make new friends, and now she sees Charlie with another woman. He's kissing this one in the hallway outside his room. Jen backs around the corner and leans against a wall and looks extremely sad.
Joey and Audrey's room. Audrey is warming up for their jog, whilst Joey lolls on her bed and looks sad. "Okay, Potter! Let's go," Audrey chirps. "I've got my portable fan, I've got my water, I've got my new glitter lipstick, which, by the way, rocks. I am ready to jog!" Joey just stares at the ceiling. "And you're not happy," Audrey states. Joey says that she is happy. And that's the problem. "Uh-huh," Audrey says. "Because you're neurotic?" God bless Audrey. Joey mopes that she shouldn't be happy when Dawson is sad. And she was relieved when he left! She's a horrible person. Horrible! Audrey tells her that she's not horrible, she's just honest. Joey says that she still feels guilty. Audrey plops down on the bed to How To Make Your Friends Feel Better About The Horrible Thing That Happened To You. "He didn't want the book?" Audrey asks. Joey doesn't know; maybe he forgot it, and maybe it was "his way of telling [her] to butt out." She admits that she doesn't know why she bought it, anyway. She says that she knew she wouldn't be able to tell him how she felt face to face, and she didn't want to do it over email. And letters… "Actual letters have a very grandma-hokey, sleepaway-camp feel to them," Audrey says. Well, call me Grandma, then, because I would love to get a proper letter in the mail. Joey explains that she bought the book, and wrote an inscription, and now Dawson will never read it and he'll only remember what a total freak she was all weekend. Or, you know, his panic attack. Audrey looks sympathetic. "What do you say we skip the jog and go straight to the ice cap frappe-y thing?" Audrey asks. Joey smiles at her, and goes to change her clothes. "Audrey?" she says, turning back. "Thank you." Audrey grins. "Hey, try the glitter lipstick. It's really fun," she says, tossing it to Joey, who takes it and disappears into the bathroom. Audrey picks up the book and reads the inscription.
Aw, Jesus. The inscription turns into a Joey voice-over, as Dawson drives home and looks all unhappy and shit. "Dear Dawson," Joey says, "when something like this happens, you want to reach out and grab the people around you, the ones who matter the most, the ones you take for granted all the time. You want to take those people and hold onto them as tight as you can. Tell them how precious they are, that knowing them makes your life better every single day that you're living it. Because when something like this happens, you realize how awful it would be if they didn't know. If they're weren't aware of the profound effect they've had. So, I want to take this moment to tell you that I love you, Dawson, and that I'm here for you. Now, forever, and every day in between. Love, Joey." Oh, barf.