Previously on Dawson's Creek: Gale speculated as to why Gretchen took time off from college; Jack injured his shoulder, and Andie tried to get him to see the silver lining; Mr. Brooks grumped at Dawson; Joey wanted to stay in Capeside with Pacey, but Pacey said he'd planned "to be wherever [she is.]"
Fade up on the kitchen of the International House Of Fishcakes, where Gale "Georgette Hamilton" Leery, wearing yet another Delia's creation that shows way too much bony, crepey cleavage, tells Mitch "The Flash" Leery that she's fine. The Flash points out that "fine" people don't spend the afternoon in the bathroom puking. "But I'm fine now," an exasperated Gale tells him, bustling around the kitchen. Dawson "Grease-feratu" Leery says that, while he's not taking sides, Gale won't get better unless she gets some rest. Gretchen "Ben Olds Five" Witter comes in and reels off a list of bar-related headaches, and Gale in response reels off a list of solutions, ending with, "And tell my husband and my traitor son to get off my back!" She hams it up with a damsel-in-distress hand to the forehead while Dawson and The Flash shoot her worried, oh-those-womenfolk-and-their-tarn-fool-hormones looks. Gale huffs out of the kitchen; The Flash follows her and tells her to go home before the customers all catch her stomach flu and the restaurant gets sued. "He's right," Dawson shrugs. Gale says she gives up, she'll go home, and she stomps off all beleaguered. The Flash mutters angrily that he told her to go to the doctor last week; Dawson observes that Gale had the same thing The Flash had, but The Flash's "didn't keep coming back." Gretchen PSAs the telltale signs of early pregnancy for us, and when the male Leerys confirm that Gale has shown them all, Gretchen says that it sounds like Gale will feel a lot better "in about nine months." As a production assistant begins feeding a cat tail-first into a wood chipper, Dawson and The Flash exchange a stunned glance before turning to stare at Gale, who grunts, "What?" Dawson gives The Flash a "now what?" look. The Flash gives Gale a "well well, little lady" look. I give my stomach lining a "please don't hurt me" look.
In an upstairs hallway at Reconciliation Ranch, Dawson and The Flash make small talk while waiting for Gale to take a home pregnancy test. Ew. It's one thing to have your husband pacing around outside the bathroom, but...your son? That's not appropriate. After a failed attempt on The Flash's part to make nervous conversation, Gale emerges from the bathroom with test stick in hand: "It's...pink." The Flash smiles and grabs Gale in a hug, but Gale barely returns the embrace, instead looking apprehensively over The Flash's shoulder at Dawson. Dawson inspects his fingernails. The Flash blathers about getting Gale to a doctor to confirm the results, which Dawson takes as his cue to wander off, still scrutinizing his cuticles, and when The Flash asks in a puzzled tone where he's going, Dawson explains that he's late; it's his first day painting Mr. Brooks's house. "Well, aren't you going to say anything first?" The Flash prompts him. "Congratulations," Dawson says flatly, flicking a contemptuous eyebrow at his parents and stomping off in his XXXL cargo shorts. On Cape Cod. In November. Shut up, Dawson. Gale smiles blearily at The Flash. They hug. The Flash looks concerned.
In a wicker loveseat on the porch of the PB&B, Joey "Underwire Transfer" Potter and Pacey "Blue Hawaii" Witter mack noisily. Pacey pauses, and Joey pantingly asks why he stopped. As she paws his shirtfront, Pacey expositions that every day they make out, and every day at a certain point Joey stops the out-making and they watch TV for the rest of the afternoon, so today Pacey's "issuing a pre-emptive strike." Joey isn't having it and tries to keep kissing him, but Pacey tells her to stop, joking, "Haven't you ever heard the term 'no means no'?" Not from him, she hasn't, and she busts out her best cross-eyed flirtatious smile, but it doesn't work. "Well, you're hearing it now," he tells her, and he gets up and smoothes down his pants and suggests that they just go inside and watch some TV, and he walks inside with a big old blue-balls gait. Joey follows him and says she can't believe that she's offered him "her lips in the spirit of teenage lust" and he'd rather watch the E! True Hollywood Story on Danny Bonaduce "for the fourth time." First of all, don't knock the Danny Bonaduce programming block. I live for that crap. Second of all..."lips"? I don't want to tell people how to live their lives, but after several months of dating, kissing and clothes-on grinding isn't going to get it done, Joey. It's time to get your hands dirty, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. ["I don't. Oh, wait. Now I do." -- Wing Chun] Pacey tells her that she "always get[s] to stop it," but this time he's stopping it. "Stop it, Pacey," Joey snaps. "I just did," Pacey says, but Joey rolls her eyes: "You know what I mean." "And you know how I feel," Pacey shrugs. Joey regards him for a moment before asking if they're having a fight. Pacey says no, not that he knows of, but he kind of avoids her gaze. Joey says it feels like one of those times where he says he's kidding around, but he's actually not. Pacey tells her glibly, "I assure you, everything is perfectly all right." He smiles tightly, belying his words. Joey smiles tightly back.
Sidebar. Yes, sex is a big deal. Yes, losing your virginity is a scary prospect when you haven't done it yet. Yes, wanting to wait is perfectly valid, no matter what your reasons. BUT. Joey and Pacey just spent THREE MONTHS together on a TINY boat with nothing to do but each other, and while I find it wildly implausible that they wouldn't have had sex already in those circumstances, I find it completely and utterly unbelievable that they wouldn't have at least HAD THIS CONVERSATION at some point during the summer -- that Pacey wouldn't have tried to take it further, or asked for her reasons, or that Joey wouldn't have freaked out before now, or that the very scene we just saw wouldn't have played out about two days after they left port. The writers feel that they have to show it in order to keep us interested, I suppose, but the fact remains that it's lazy, non-credible writing. Why I expect better, I don't know.
All right, we've barely gotten past the opening credits and I've got many sidebars to go before I sleep, so let's move on.
A cluster of soccer moms chit-chat by their parked SUVs as we hear Jack "A Subplot Turns Its Lonely Eyes To You...Woo Woo Woo" McPhee saying he doesn't know why he got himself into this; he doesn't play soccer very well, he knows nothing about kids, and he's never coached anything in his life. Hey, that didn't stop The Flash. Pan over to the McPhees, kitted out in athletic-wear and heading towards the field as Andie "Final Countdown" McPhee tells Jack that "pee-wee soccer is a great opportunity to help mold young minds, teach them about teamwork and sportsmanship." Then she admits that it looks good on college apps, and offers to "take full responsibility" if it winds up sucking. "Damn straight," Jack grumbles. ["As it were." -- Wing Chun] They walk over to the kids, and Andie gives them a speech about enriching their lives, and the kids groan. Jack tells everyone who wants to have fun to raise their hands, and the kids all raise their hands and call out, "Me! Me!" except for one doughy blonde kid in braids. Jack bonds with Molly, the doughy blonde kid, who apparently doesn't talk and hates soccer, and wins over the rest of the kids with a short monologue on having fun and eating pizza after the games.
All you have to briiiiing is your love of everythiiiiing, at beautiful Mount Crusty Looooodge, where we find Dawson painting and brooding. Mr. Brooks comes out and chaps him for painting in the same spot too long, makes a sarcastic comment about why Dawson's distracted, and then chaps him some more to the tune of "leave the juvenile angst on the playground where it belongs." Mr. Brooks is officially beginning to grow on me. Dawson makes a face. Mr. Brooks then spots a stack of Dawson's photos peeking out of his bag and picks them up to take a look. Dawson asks him to leave his things alone, but Mr. Brooks reminds him that a kid who stole his boat isn't going to give him a lecture on "the sanctity of personal property" (heh) and proceeds to critique Dawson's snapshots thusly: "Pedestrian...wholly uninteresting...amateurish, and terrible composition, too." Dear Mr. Brooks: I love you. Love, Sars. Dawson grits his teeth and pouts. But, Lord love him, Mr. Brooks isn't done: "You -- you didn't take this on purpose, did you? Whew." Dawson slumps off the ladder and snatches the photos away from Mr. Brooks, who tells him, "As a photographer, you're a mediocre housepainter, Mr. Leery," and goes on to tell him that the photos have no emotion, "no spark." He goes back indoors as Dawson sarcastically thanks him for the "cogent analysis." "Cogent"? Shut up, Dawson. Dawson heaves a "poor me" sigh and gets back up on the ladder. ["And yet, I sense he doesn't plan to use that ladder to get over himself, as we've suggested so very many times over the years. What a waste of a prop." -- Wing Chun]
Capeside High cafeteria. Jen "My Kingdom For A Maybelline Gig" Lindley joins Joey at a table. Noting Joey's bummed body language, Jen banters a bit about getting "robbed" on the history test, but Joey admits that she thinks she "set the curve." Jen bites into an apple, eyes Joey, and asks her what's wrong. "Nothing...mashed potatoes are cold," Joey says glumly. Jen cracks that "it's just one tragedy after another today, huh," and Joey confesses, "The mashed potatoes are cold and so am I." "Is this about sex?" Jen asks through a mouthful of apple. "Is it that obvious?" No, Jen says, "it's...it's just that it always is [about sex]." Joey tucks her hair sadly behind her ear and says she thinks Pacey's starting to get impatient. Jen dismisses this by saying that Pacey loves Joey: "He'll wait." Joey tells her that Pacey isn't the problem, that "the waiting just goes on and on," and she's getting impatient herself, but for some reason she just keeps waiting. Jen asks her point-blank if she wants to have sex; Joey says of course she does, but she doesn't know if she's ready, and she doesn't know how to tell if she's ready, and everyone says that you "just know," but what if that's just something everyone says and nobody actually knows, blah dee blah. Do high-school girls really talk as much about "feeling ready" as they seem to on TV? Because my friends and I never talked about it that way. We talked about sex, sure, but it never took on this vaunted girding-of-the-loins-for-the-great-crusade tone. It's sex, not becoming a Jedi, for chrissakes. Anyway, Jen says that Joey would probably feel more ready "if [she] were actually prepared." Joey furrows her brow: "What do you mean?" Jen blathers on about how visiting a free clinic for birth control and "sex advice" is a "rite of passage" for New York City girls, similar to a bas mitzvah or getting a learner's permit. Oh, please. Shut up, Jen. Jen goes on to say that she doesn't think "anybody ever really knows if they're ready...but you do know if you're prepared. And...you're not." Joey nods ruefully. Jen proposes a Nantucket Nectar toast "to responsible sexual gratification." Shut UP, Jen. Joey raises her Nantucket Nectar: "To womanhood." Shut up, Joey. They clink bottles. Wave bye-bye to Jen, kids, because we don't see her again.
The Only Clinic In Town. Gale sips water from a Dixie cup. The Flash takes a deep breath and says he's done some thinking blah blah blah he knows "this is terrifying" blah blah blah "so many cards stacked against us" blah blah blah "don't worry about Dawson" blah blah blah encouragement-cakes. Gale sighs deeply before reminding him that sending Dawson to college on top of raising another child will put them even further in debt, and "we're not exactly twenty-five-year-olds anymore" (amen) and "that's twenty more years that we would have to commit" to the new arrival, "not to mention what we've put Dawson through these past few years." All of which he deserved, Gale, so stop letting your smugly self-absorbed son run your lives. The Flash says that that won't happen again; Gale shrugs sadly and says that they probably should have "thought about this" before now. The Flash tells her that "you're pregnant now -- that's the reality." Thanks for the tip, Dr. Spock. Gale sighs again and points out that she's pregnant, but she doesn't have to "stay that way," and if she had to decide "right this second," she wouldn't. The Flash stares at her, clearly taken aback, as we fade awkwardly to commercial.
Pee-wee soccer practice. A slender woman with fluffy hair comes up to Jack and comments on how it's "so tragic" that parents send their kids out onto the field "for one last grasp at vicarious glory." Okay, a lot of parents do that...but not with six-year-olds. And..."grasp"? Shut up, Fluffy. Fluffy introduces herself as Caroline, Molly's older sister, and explains the difference in their ages to an uncomfortable Jack, adding, "That would make me twenty-eight, in case you were wondering." Yeah, right. If Caroline's twenty-eight, I'm Strom fucking Thurmond. Dear casting director: Please require a screen test from the actresses so you don't wind up casting a woman who can remember the days before electricity as a twentysomething, m'kay? Great. Anyway, non-witty banter ensues in which Caroline learns that Jack is eighteen and that Andie is his sister and not his girlfriend, and in which she says that she's flirting with him (about as gracefully as The Dukes Of Hazzard's Uncle Jesse in a pair of toe shoes, might I add), and Jack stammers a lot and says he's "flattered, but..." Caroline talks right over him, guessing that she's coming on too strong and that Jack is shy, and there's more non-witty flirtation from Caroline, and while the actress continues to trample her own lines, not only by standing with her arms crossed over her chest in the body-language opposite of "seductive," but also by reading them in a sarcastic tone that suggests she's joking, the scene stretches out so long that time begins to bend inwards towards itself in some torturous perversion of Einsteinian principle that unfortunately does not place me on the opposite side of the universe from my VCR. Finally, moments before I become one with Big Bang theory, Caroline takes her leave, saying she'll see Jack's "sweet face" tomorrow. Jack shakes his head about a hundred times.
Cut to Gretchen and her boobs in a seventies-macramé-plant-holder-inspired brown-and-orange halter top, inspecting Dawson's latest photos and telling him that "that old man is crazy," his photos are great, blah blah blah praise-the-wunderkind-cakes. "Actually, he's right, they suck," Dawson grouses, fiddling with the telephoto lens that acts as a surrogate for his tiny, cobweb-enshrouded penis. Snapping shots of Gretchen, Dawson blathers something about how "true genius begins in mediocrity," as if he'd even attained the lofty peaks of mediocrity yet. Gretchen tells him that, while she finds modesty "preferable" to a "self-described genius" act, "even you cannot deny your abilities." No wonder Gretchen dropped out of college -- she's too dense to recognize Dawson's so-called modesty as a gambit to attract compliments. Then she tells him to stop taking her picture or she'll smack him. Skip the rationalizing and smack him anyway, Gretch. Dawson asks if he's making her uncomfortable. When she says yes, he says, "Good," and keeps snapping away. "Stop it!" she squawks, but she clearly loves it. Yuck. They sit down on a bench, and Dawson tells her that Gale's pregnant. When Gretchen nods distractedly, Dawson takes another picture of her, and Gretchen smiles uncomfortably that she "figured." Dawson says that maybe she can help him -- insert "beyond help" joke here -- and admits that, when he found out, "[he] was upset." Gretchen asks why, and Dawson says that "they're in their forties, they're about to send a kid to college, they barely have any money in the bank," the divorce, the last couple of years, blah bling blah, "it just seems...completely irresponsible." Gretchen nods, "It is." All right -- do I need to list the reasons why Dawson's "reasoning" is utterly selfish and judgmental, or why Gretchen shouldn't encourage him? No, I didn't think so.
Dawson says that he knows shouldn't feel that way, and doesn't want to, and he wonders if Gretchen knows how he could "swing that." Gretchen doesn't, but she does wonder how Gale feels, since Gale's the one "with the baby growing inside of her," the one with the financial worries, the one with the recently-renewed marriage vows. Gretchen implies, but does not say, that Dawson does not have any of this going on and thus should quit making it all about him and shut the hell up. But I will go ahead and say it for her. Quit making it all about you and shut the hell up, Dawson. Dawson says he knew Gretchen "[was] the right person to talk to," and he's starting to feel bad already. As well he should. Gretchen abruptly gets up, saying she has to go, "break's over." A somewhat puzzled Dawson watches her go, then sulks some more.
Joey at The Only Clinic In Town. A clinic worker tells her to have a seat and asks if Joey scheduled a pelvic exam with the doctor; she says she has to ask Joey a few questions, and she apologizes ahead of time if they "are a little bit unsettling." Joey nods nervously. "Are you currently sexually active?" Joey asks for clarification; the clinic worker means intercourse. Joey flaps her hands and stammers about not knowing...she means...er...no, she's not, but she's "going to be" having intercourse, that's why she's there. "Are you aware that there's a chlamydia epidemic, and that syphilis cases are on the rise?" Clinic Worker asks. Joey stares at her: "Syphilis?" Clinic Worker asks if Joey knows that HIV, HPV, and herpes still have no known cure. Joey nods; Clinic Worker checks a few things off of a list. Clinic Worker PSAs that the Pill protects against pregnancy, but not against STDs; Joey nods some more while staring at the various anatomical models in the room. CW asks if Joey has had sexual relations, and if so, if she's had unprotected sex, and Joey laughs all embarrassed that she's "a virgin, one hundred percent." CW then asks if Joey's in "a monogamous relationship" and quizzes her all sternly when Joey jokes, "As far as I know," and here's where I start to have a problem with CW, because women don't go to clinics so that the staff can fire the latest statistics from the CDC at them and demand to know whether they have monogamous relationships; we go so that we can get information and reproductive resources. It's totally inappropriate -- and irrelevant, and judgmental, and completely at cross-purposes with the point she's trying to make -- for CW even to ask whether Joey has a regular partner, much less whether Joey thinks said partner stays faithful to her, and if real-life clinic workers did this, they'd get fired, because they'd scare women away. Joey tries to set CW's mind at ease on the point of Pacey's fidelity -- which, I think it bears repeating, she should not have to do -- and CW PSAs some more that it's important to practice safe sex. CW then asks if Joey's partner is willing to wear condoms. Joey is thrown momentarily off-guard by the question, but recovers and says firmly, "Yes." "Miss Potter, these aren't even the hard questions," CW sniffs. What if Joey gets pregnant or contracts an STD? "These are the potential consequences of sex." God, back it up, CW! Joey doesn't need a course in scare tactics; she needs some medical advice on how to have sex responsibly. CW sees the look of terror on Joey's face and relents, talking about how wonderful and fulfilling sex can be and how "there's nothing to be ashamed or afraid of," and how she just wants Joey to approach it with "a certain level of maturity and responsibility, that's all." Joey nods. CW hands her a packet containing condoms, spermicide, and leaflets with information on other birth-control options. Joey gets up to leave, and CW says, "And, Joey?" Joey turns back. "Smile," CW smirks. Joey smiles reluctantly. "Smile"? After you just hectored her for ten minutes? Get bent, CW.
Sidebar time. It's really important for young women to visit a GYN, and to get all the information on birth control and STD prevention. BUT. It's possible to get what you need in a supportive, uncritical atmosphere. A practitioner at a reproductive health clinic should give you all the facts, not hurl them at you while sneering at your naïveté. So, ladies, if you visit a doctor or a clinic and the person you speak with puts a bunch of unprofessional disapproving bullshit on you, ask to speak with someone else. CW went way off-sides there, and Joey should have beaten it back to the front desk to file a complaint about her attitude.
Moving right along. On the field after practice, Jack tells Andie that he thinks he's bringing Molly out of her shell. Andie, wearing a shirt that says "Boobie Trap" on it in pink script (guh?), thinks that's great. Jack mentions that Caroline propositioned him; Andie doesn't believe it at first, but Jack says no, "she was one step away from reaching her hand down my pants and checking out the merchandise." Andie makes a really funny gross-out face and groans that she didn't need to hear that. Yeah, neither did I. Wouldn't mind doing it, though. Oh, sorry -- did I say that out loud? So, Jack says Andie has to help him get rid of Caroline, but Andie just makes another face and says, "Just tell her you're gay." Jack points out that "the word 'gay' is kind of controversial when you're working with kids." Andie snorts that "that's crap," and Jack says he knows that, but "it's reality," and he just wants to put "soccer coach" on his college apps, not "gay civil rights crusader." Actually, I think an admissions officer would find "gay civil rights crusader" at least as compelling as "soccer coach," but I can see Jack's point. Andie grudgingly agrees to help him. Sibling banter about Jack sucking as a goalie.
Dawson's darkroom. Pan across prints of Gretchen to Dawson at some machine or other; he hears his parents come home. Upstairs, he says he wants to talk to them about how he reacted to the news of Gale's pregnancy. Gale and The Flash silently brace themselves for another gust of unwarranted attitude as Dawson says that he felt shocked and "a little disappointed" at first, but now he's realized that "this is amazing" and he's going to have a little brother or sister and it's so great, and as the needle on the insincerity meter hits the red zone and keeps climbing, The Flash interrupts: "Dawson. We're not gonna have the baby." Dawson furrows his gargantuan brow: "W-what?" Gale stares at him, her eyes filling, as The Flash murmurs, "I know. This...isn't exactly the way we wanted to tell you." Dawson flops down at the kitchen table and snarks, "Wait a second. Just...just like that? You make a decision like this in a day?" "Yes," hisses Gale. "We make the decisions, you abide by them. Now get packed, we finally got you accepted at military school," and she cracks him backhand across the face so hard that the diamond in her engagement ring is loosened from its setting and lodges in -- okay, she doesn't. But boy, do I wish she would.
Instead, she sighs and sits down heavily, saying that "it wasn't 'just like that.'" As if she owes him an explanation. Let him stew in it, Gale! But no. She goes on that she'd suspected for a while that she was pregnant, but she didn't want to deal with it, because she already knew what she'd decide. Not meeting her eye, Dawson says in a teary voice that he "can't believe this." "Well, honey, you should be happy," Gale remarks sarcastically. "Your lackluster attempt at excitement just now wasn't exactly Oscar-worthy." Woo hoo! Tell it, Gale! Dawson snaps defensively that he meant everything he said, and he wanted to "be supportive." Gale doesn't answer, just clings to The Flash's hand. "Dad, you actually agreed to this?" Dawson poutily asks The Flash. Oh. My. God. Dawson, FUCKING SHUT UP! The Flash says that he did, but Gale interrupts to say that The Flash "is lying to protect her," that it's her idea, and "yes, I know, I'm a terrible mother, aren't I?" "That's not what I said," Dawson grunts, nostrils flared out like a couple of water wings. "Let's not pretend it's not what you think, honey," Gale says sadly, adding that she knows he thinks she's "messed up" a lot as his mother and that he blames her for tearing the family apart. Dawson breaks in to say that she shouldn't "use" him as an excuse for making this decision, "that's not fair," even though she's pretty clearly not doing that; it sounds to me like she's subtly ripping on him for thinking that she's a bad mother, not thinking it herself, but maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part. Gale interrupts back to say that she isn't using him as an excuse: "No, I sat down and I considered all the facts. And the fact is -- I can't do it again." The Flash strokes his chin and Dawson stares angrily at her as she goes on that she "can't handle the mistakes," and when she adds that to the financial stuff and her age, there's only one answer: "I can't have the baby." Dawson gapes. Gale winds it up by saying that maybe Dawson will hate her, or "never be able to understand," but in the end, "this is my decision, and I have made it. And now this discussion...is over." Crying, she flees the room. The Flash watches her go, then gives Dawson a flat "I hope you're happy" look and goes after her. Dawson sighs and slumps in his chair.
First things first. Go, Gale. BUT. Why, why, WHY couldn't the writers just have Gale decide that she doesn't want a mid-life baby? WHY? That's a conclusion women reach every day! Their bodies, their lives! Nothing wrong with it! But noooo -- the writers wimped out once again and, instead of sticking with Gale's perfectly VALID reasons for choosing not to go ahead with the pregnancy, they made her FEARFUL of having another child because...she thought she messed up with DAWSON? What the fuck is that? Yeah, she messed up with Dawson, for sure -- because, at the age of seventeen, he still thinks that he HAS A VOTING SHARE IN HER LIFE! Do you know what my mother would have said to me if I'd objected to a late pregnancy she'd chosen to terminate? She'd have said, "Sarah, I'm sorry you feel that way." That's it. IT! Why? Because it's NOT MY BUSINESS! Do you know why my mother might have chosen to terminate such a pregnancy? Because she's not obligated to have a child just because it showed up, or because she already had two kids, or for ANY OTHER REASON, and she's certainly not obligated to consult with me before making the decision, because SHE'S THE ADULT! Dawson does not have, and should not ever have, anything to do with this decision, and frankly, if I had a child like Dawson, I'd have had my tubes tied long ago, not to mention moved to another state and changed my name, the better to cut ties with the self-satisfied monstrosity to whom I'd given birth, and I could rant on and on about Dawson's revolting sense of entitlement and his supercilious attitude towards his parents, but there's only so much bandwidth. So, just to review here: Gale should keep the baby or not, whatever she wants, but she shouldn't base any decision, whether about an unborn child or about whether or not to buy skim milk, on a guilt trip paid for by her asshole son, and Dawson can shove it up his nosy, self-righteous ass.
Oh, one more thing. Dear writers: The way you treat women and their reproductive choices on this show blows goats, and every last one of you should be ashamed of your hack-ass selves. Try selling it to Phyllis Schlafly, because I ain't buying it. Love, Sars. Co-signed, every other human being on earth with so much as a sub-atomic particle of respect for women, as well as a handful of domesticated animals and one or two politically motivated members of the plant kingdom. PS: You suck.
I hate the hell out of this goddamn show.
Aaaaaanyway. Back from commercials to the Sanctum Dawsonorum, where Dawson broods at his desk. The Flash comes in; Gale wanted him to tell Dawson that breakfast is ready. Dawson is, predictably, not interested. Gale also wanted The Flash to tell Dawson that she's sorry he's upset, and The Flash can testify that she didn't sleep a wink last night. Dawson, now on his bed futzing with a stack of prints, asks morosely if she's "really gonna do this." The Flash shrugs. Dawson asks what The Flash wants. The Flash doesn't know, but he does know that he doesn't want Gale to go through with the pregnancy if she doesn't think it's the right thing. "Ultimately, it's her body, her decision -- I respect that," The Flash adds. Let's hear it for The Flash, ladies and gents. "What if it's the wrong decision?" Dawson asks, in a less snotty tone than you might assume. The Flash doesn't answer for a moment, then tells Dawson that he and Gale tried for three years before she got pregnant with Dawson. You can insert your own "and this is their reward?" joke here. The Flash says that they'd nearly given up -- again, your joke goes here -- and after Dawson's birth they tried again, but no dice. "Five years of hope and disappointment," The Flash sighs, and says he'd always wanted a big family, "a house filled with love and all that," but then one day he realized that "my house is filled with love, and my life is full." He's just grateful to have Dawson, and Gale: "Makes all the rest easier to deal with." Dawson nods in his usual acknowledgment of the praise rightfully due him. The Flash gets up, kisses Dawson on the head (poor John Wesley Shipp), and walks out of the room. In spite of the fact that he had to direct it at Dawson, it's a nice speech from The Flash.
Bessie "Plot Advancement? Don't Mind If I Do" Potter, putting socks away in Joey's drawers, finds the birth-control packet Joey got at the clinic. Durex gets a product placement. Joey comes in, Bessie quickly covers, and Joey looks into the drawer that Bessie just closed and cringes to herself.
Soccer practice. Enter Caroline, in a wrap-tied belly shirt, to hit on Jack some more. Banter about how much the team sucks. Whatever -- it's pee-wee soccer. Of course they suck. Even Mia Hamm sucked at age seven. Anyway, Caroline asks Jack out. Andie tries to block by pretending she's his girlfriend, but Caroline busts her, so Andie lies that she's just looking out for Jack because his real girlfriend gets jealous and has a black belt and blah bling blah. Andie then gives the fictional girlfriend's name as "Natasha...Boyardee," which I admit I laughed at. Caroline cattily tells Andie to lay off the overprotective sibling thing, Andie cattily tells Caroline that Jack isn't interested, Caroline snips at Andie to mind her own business, Andie snips that "it's just not gonna happen, okay," and finally Jack gets fed up with the back-and-forth and tells Caroline he's gay. Caroline makes with the "I knew that -- I did! Really!" and walks off, presumably to schedule a face-lift. Andie pats Jack's shoulder.
A pier somewhere. Dawson thanks Gretchen for meeting him there because he didn't want to go to the Witterschloss. Gretchen asks what's up. Dawson blurts that Gale "is having an abortion," and he's not dealing with it too well. Uh duh, Greasy Kasem. He adds that he feels terrible about what his parents must have to deal with, which is patent bullshit, but anyway, Gretchen asks if he's worried about them or bummed because his "illusions of parental infallibility are finally shattered?" Oy. Shut up, Gretchen. Dawson says that those got shattered by his mom's affair, then trails off and changes tacks: "What's your problem?" Huh? Maybe she's tired of your dumping all your so-called problems on her, Oily Golightly -- lose the 'tude! Jesus! For some reason, Gretchen doesn't push his ass over the railing and into the water, asking instead, "What do you think my problem is, Dawson?" Dawson thinks Gretchen went through what his mom's going through. Gretchen looks down and sighs, "You're good." Ah ha! I win the bet; Wing Chun owes me chocolate. ["Dude, when don't I?" -- Wing Chun] Dawson tells Gretchen she doesn't have to talk about it if she doesn't want to. Um, it's a little late for that, don't you think? Gretchen agrees: "Isn't that why you called me here?" Dawson needs to understand why Gale's "doing it." No, you don't! It's NOT YOUR PROBLEM! Dawson adds that he thought Gretchen could help him, or he wouldn't have brought it up, thus once again disregarding the feelings of others in order to place his own misguided neurosis at the center of everyone's universe. I thought he'd gotten better this season, but I thought wrong. I loathe him. LOATHE HIM. But Gretchen doesn't see it that way, and 'fesses up -- she got pregnant last semester after bonking her boyfriend in his Geo Prizm (and regardless of whether she got pregnant, that has got to have sucked), and she remembers that Lynyrd Skynyrd was on the radio at the time, and she hates Lynyrd Skynyrd. Where did she go to school, Simon's Classic Rock of Bard?
Anyway, "there [she] was, twenty years old, with piles of student loans and a 2.9 GPA," so she made a decision, the hardest one she's ever made -- but it didn't matter, because she's a television character. In other words, she had a miscarriage. She thought she'd feel happy about it, but she felt guilty, "for getting off easy, for feeling relieved, and for putting [herself] in a position where [she] even had to make that kind of a decision." I'd like to point out here that having a miscarriage is hardly "getting off easy." I've never had one myself, but I understand they're quite painful physically as well as emotionally; it's not exactly a snap. Anyway, Dawson asks if he can assume that Gretchen's decision "was the same as my mom's." God, Dawson -- SHUT UP. Gretchen thinks for a moment, then asks, "Does it really matter?" "No," Dawson says, sounding surprised at himself. Then he thanks her for trusting him and says he won't tell anyone -- as if he should even have to say that -- and she says she knows.
Fade to the PB&B. Bessie banters with the guests while "Where In The World Is" Bodie "Sandiego" brings dishes to the table. Bodie! Yay! Joey reports proudly that she got an A on her English test; Bodie congratulates her, and Joey says she stayed up all night studying at Pacey's and she's exhausted. "I'm sure you are," Bessie snipes. Joey demands to know what Bessie means. Nothing, Bessie says, and asks for the potatoes. Joey persists, Bessie ignores her and asks Bodie for the potatoes instead, Joey picks a fight with her in front of the paying (and, at the moment, cringing) guests, and Bessie takes the bait and bitches that either Joey had sex with Pacey the entire night or she's running a mail-order birth-control business out of her room. Heh. Bodie's jaw freezes mid-chew; he looks like he might start giggling. Joey busts on Bessie for snooping, and Bessie says that Joey has enough condoms up there "to fill a warehouse" and she wishes she could lock Joey in her room because she doesn't think Joey's ready to have sex, and Joey shouts that Bessie let her spend the summer alone on a boat with Pacey so what's her problem, and Bessie sneers that she didn't "let" Joey go, "[she] just went," and what could she have said? "Nothing," Joey snaps, "just like there's nothing that you can say about this," and she gets up and clears her plate, and Bessie follows her and says she can say one thing -- Joey's making the biggest mistake of her life. Joey tells her that she's not having sex yet, but at some point, she will, and Bessie can't do anything to stop that. Bessie rails at her that she's only seventeen and "doesn't understand the first thing about consequences and responsibility," and as the guests slink away from the table, Joey hisses back that her whole life "is consequences and responsibility," and storms up to her room. Bessie watches her go, open-mouthed. In the background, an unperturbed Bodie continues eating his dinner. Snerk.
Soccer match. Jack and the kids do a warm-up cheer. Molly is wearing a long face because Billy and Todd haven't showed up, so "we're definitely gonna lose." Jack reassures her that "they're just a little late, that's all," but Molly informs him that Billy and Todd's dads called her dad and said that Billy and Todd had to quit the team "because you're dangerous." Jack's face freezes. Molly repeats, "They're not coming." Jack recovers after a moment and tells Molly to remember that whether Billy and Todd quit the team, or whether everyone else quits the team, he and Molly will play some soccer and eat some pizza. Awwww. Molly nods sadly and slumps away, but turns to tell him, "Don't worry, Coach Jack. They're all just jerks. I know you're not dangerous." Jack half-smiles, but looks like he might cry.
Adam Carolla strikes fear into the very marrow of my bones.
Bodie, Alexander "Awwww" Potter in his arms, comes out to the PB&B's front lawn to talk to a sulky Joey. "Interesting floor show earlier," he cracks, "though I'm not sure it's good for repeat business." Instead of apologizing for scaring the customers, Joey grumps that she doesn't "get" Bessie, and she knows she's not perfect, but a lot of kids do a lot of stupid things, so she thinks Bessie "lucked out" with her. Bodie agrees. "So why is she being so irrational?" Bodie explains that Bessie worries about Joey, "all the time, in fact," and doesn't want Joey to end up like her. I guess I see what he means, but really, what's wrong with ending up like Bessie? She's got a successful business, a cute and supportive boyfriend who can cook, and a happy and healthy child. Anyway, Bodie adds that Joey's the one "who's supposed to get out of" Capeside, and Bessie just wants to make sure that happens. Joey says that she hasn't decided yet whether to have sex, and she decided to get prepared, but getting prepared scared her, and from minute to minute she changes her mind, blah dee blah. Bodie says he can't tell her what to do; nobody can. But if she's not ready "to be prepared for sex," then she's probably not ready for sex. Joey thinks that over.
Reconciliation Ranch. Dawson comes downstairs to find his parents snuggling in front of the TV. He picks up the remote, turns off the set, tucks his hair smugly behind his ears, and announces that he has to leave for Mr. Brooks's soon, but he wants to talk to them about how he feels about their situation. Nobody asked you, Dawson. Stow it. Gale doesn't register anything except exhaustion; The Flash just stares into space. Dawson goes on to say that Gale said she'd considered all the facts, but there's one fact Dawson doesn't think she has, and he wants to make sure she knows it before she goes ahead with her decision. Then he tells her that trying to give birth to another child with a hydrocephalic skull could kill her, and he doesn't want her to risk -- oh, wait. No, actually he tells her, "You are the best mother that I know. And you are wrong if you think that you've disappointed me at every turn, Mom -- all you've done is make me proud."
Gale beams at him as he continues, "You're not afraid to make mistakes...and then to pick up and to keep going and keep trying new things, and I owe so much of who I am to you. To both of you." The Flash shoots a quick smile at Gale, who keeps beaming tearfully at Dawson; Dawson sits on the edge of the coffee table and says that he used to idealize "this perfect childhood," but his parents gave him something better, "something real," and if he had it to do over, he wouldn't change a thing. He winds up Schmaltzterpiece Theater by telling them that if they're half the parents to their "kid" that they were to him, that kid will be "the luckiest kid in the whole world." Well, except in the older-sibling department. "Thank you, honey," Gale whispers weepily, and she and Dawson hug. "It's gonna be okay," he tells her.
Pacey and Joey mack. Pacey thinks they should "slow this down a notch." "Okay," Joey says agreeably. Pacey is confused; Joey says she respects that, if it's what Pacey wants. Pacey makes "ohhhhh-kay" noises. Joey snarkily accuses him of thinking that, if he turned the tables on her by "stopping things," she'd "get paranoid" and want to go further, and maybe she'd go to the clinic and "stock up on goodies and come back here and then we'd have sex." I don't think he intended that at all, but whatever -- Pacey asks gravely if she did in fact go to the clinic and stock up on goodies. "I can neither confirm nor deny such reports," she sulks. Pacey tells her that she shouldn't have taken it seriously: "All I wanted to do was to jump-start the conversation." Joey says quietly that she's glad she went, so it's fine, but Pacey says that it's really not; he doesn't want to make her do anything she's not ready for.
All righty, sidebar time again. If Joey couldn't tell Pacey beforehand about the visit to the clinic, and if she felt that he had some kind of passive-aggressive agenda but didn't call him on it -- in other words, if they can't speak frankly to one another about what's going on here -- then no, she's not ready to have sex. I lost my virginity to a scuzzy guy, but I did it at the right time...just with the wrong person. In other words, at least Scuzzbucket and I could talk about what we planned to do and where we saw things heading, and the need to discuss these things in plain English with your partners and potential partners doesn't change after the first time. I know y'all know that, and I know we've all had enough PSAs after watching this episode to last us all till doomsday, so I'll stop, but for the record, if you feel yourself "pulling a Joey," there's a problem.
Anyway. Joey tells Pacey that she knows he wouldn't pressure her, but if he tries to manipulate her again, "I am out the door." Pacey apologizes. Joey awkwardly comments that "there are certain things that [they] can do" in lieu of sex. Ohhhhh brother. Like what, Pacey wants to know. Joey leans in and whispers in his ear, "I could kiss you." "Mmm," Pacey whispers back, "or perhaps I could just come over there and..." He climbs on top of her and starts tickling her. Apparently, that's the end of that. Tickling. Whatever.
On the soccer field at night, Andie and Jack clean up. Jack bitches about the kids not showing up and berates for himself for "blurt[ing] it out like that." Andie reminds him that it's not exactly a secret, which brings up a good point -- wouldn't the homophobic parents have heard of Jack already after the news broadcast about him last season? Oh, right. It's Dawson's Creek -- it's not supposed to make any sense. Jack says he knows it's not a secret, but it's naïve to think that people won't care and won't act bigoted and ignorant, and it's just going to get worse: "Maybe I should just quit." Andie argues that that's ridiculous; Jack did the right thing, and he could have lied, but "who wants to live like that?" Andie goes on to say that he's great with the kids, so he should just stop worrying about the parents "and their stupid hang-ups, okay, because it will blow over." Jack doesn't seem to hear her: "But I'm a good person, Andie...when people look at me, they see something awful. Do you know how that feels?" "Give it time," she says firmly. "It will blow over, I swear." "Nah, it never does." "It will." He shakes his head and looks off into the middle distance before asking Andie if she'd minds letting him finish up "alone." Andie kisses him on the cheek and leaves him to it. I will spare you all the rant on homophobic idiots who think that all gay people abuse children until this story arc has progressed a little further.
Mount Crusty Lodge. Mr. Brooks heckles Dawson some more. Dawson says politely that he actually thinks he's doing a pretty good job. "We all have our illusions," Mr. Brooks grunts. Marry me, Mr. Brooks! He spots more of Dawson's photos and picks them up, evaluating them as "trite...a naked attempt to evoke sentiment...why not just shoot a photo of a puppy in a garbage can?" Dawson rolls his eyes huffily. Mr. Brooks then pauses on one photo in particular and issues a curious "hmmm." "'Hmmm'?" Dawson repeats (with Van Der Beek pulling a "Mr. Brooks" face that's actually kind of funny). "That's the best scathing criticism you can muster?" Mr. Brooks snorts that "sometimes honesty is scathing, Dawson, I can't help that," but says that the picture he's looking at "is actually not bad." Dawson raises his eyebrows as Mr. Brooks eyes the photo some more -- we know it's of Gretchen, although we haven't seen it yet -- and says that it's the first one he's seen that actually makes a connection with the subject, "as if you're not only shooting her melancholy but your own." Dawson stands up to look at the picture Mr. Brooks means. It's the first picture Mr. Brooks has seen "with a bit of you in it," and it "has potential." Dawson smiles, ready to receive the praise he's so accustomed to, but Mr. Brooks tells him to get back to painting and goes back inside. Dawson picks up the picture, and sure enough, it's an out-of-focus shot of Gretchen with a lock of hair falling across her face.
A very very sensitive testicle indeed ushers us into the montage. Joey dries dishes, and Bessie takes the plate from her; the sisters wash and dry in companionable silence...Dawson inspects a print of Gretchen and smiles...Jack crosses the soccer field, brow furrowed, and bites his lip...Gale looks at family pictures, including a baby Dawson with a normal-sized head, and The Flash comes to sit beside her, and they hold hands on top of the picture of Baby Dawson, which I suppose means that she has allowed her son to change her mind. I would go off on an all-caps tirade about this, but frankly, I don't have the strength. I will say this, though. I hate the writers, I hate Dawson, and I hate that the writers let Dawson emotionally strong-arm his mother into keeping a child that it doesn't make sense for her to have. If she'd changed her mind and chosen to keep it on her own, that's one thing, but she didn't. She allowed Dawson to guilt her into it, and even worse, the writers want us to think that that's "sweet." It isn't sweet. It's nauseating, just like the rest of this Godforsaken bag of crap they call a show.
time: The Rave Of Doom. Dawson and Gretchen dork out on the Jupiter Jump, Joey asks Gretchen if there's "something happening" between her and Dawson, and Andie collapses.