Props to Eduardo Sanchez, Daniel Myrick, Heather Donahue, Glark, owen, Sars, and the soothing effect of wrapping an assload of Christmas presents the entire time this episode aired.
Previously on Dawson's Creek: Principal Green put Andie in charge of the school's student disciplinary committee; she went on to beg Pacey to take her back and he turned her down cold; Joey took her shirt off, and Dawson told her to put it back on.
At the video store in which Dawson "Taranteeny" Leery apparently still works, Joey "Teen Avenger" Potter comes tearing in, praying that the store has The Crucible in stock. He says that someone checked it out an hour ago (which is just as well, because that movie was appalling), and she covers her face with her hands and says it serves her right for being "that girl." Dawson asks, "What girl?" and she replies, "The girl who rents the movie the night before an all-important paper is due because their [sic] debilitating Attention Deficit Disorder has gotten in the way of her actually reading the book." There's really no excuse for that, because the play is only a hundred and forty-five pages of rather large print, besides which it's a play, and reads faster than, say, Middlemarch. And it's actually a very engrossing read. I don't buy for a second that Joey couldn't have read the book in less time than it would take to watch the movie. Anyway, Dawson is (for once) less judgmental than I am and, while shelving videos, asks since when Joey is "that girl." She tells him that between taking care of Alexander and getting the B & B ready for business, she hasn't had much time for schoolwork. Dawson is confused, and says he thought she worked at the marina. She makes a taken-aback face and shakes her head. He asks what happened, and she says it's a long story. When he doesn't ask any follow-up questions, she asks what's up with him, and whether "Eve [has] helped [him] add any crimes and misdemeanours to [his] record." He tells her that Eve left town. Joey raises her eyebrows in surprise, and Dawson continues to putter around the store, clearly communicating that he has no interest in chatting with Joey, whom we're to think is his best and oldest friend. Picking up on his get-lost vibe, Joey cheerily says she'll see him around school, and starts to leave, flapping her arms and saying, "I'll be the one cloaked in failure." Dawson calls her back and suggests to her that there's a way she might not have to write the paper. Intrigued, she turns back, and he explains that after they got the assignment, he convinced "Green" to let him do something different, which Joey correctly guesses means that Dawson's making a movie instead. The principal is teaching their History class? And if it's a History class, why would Joey have to either read or watch The Crucible, which is not exactly a historical document? Whatever.
Dawson says that Jen and Pacey have also been excused from writing the paper in exchange for helping Dawson with his movie (the hell? What kind of crappy-ass school is this? Lazy bastards), and Joey covers her hurt feelings by saying, even more cheerily than before, "I guess my invitation got lost in the mail." Dawson says, "I would have invited you, it just..." Joey tells him to forget about it, and asks what the movie's about. He says that since they're reading The Crucible, he figured he might make a documentary about something that happened in the region: "Witch Island." Joey says, "So, basically you're ripping off The Blair Witch Project." Cut the "basically" part, and you've got it, Jo. Dawson says that he's insulted, and that he's making a "real" documentary: "I want to try and [sic] use the myth of Witch Island to tell a larger story about hypocrisy and religious persecution." You know, I think that someone's done that before. His name is Arthur Miller, and he's waiting for his cheque, All-Bran. Dawson asks Joey if she's in, and she delivers an overlong speech about the downward spiral her life will take if she doesn't, culminating in her agreeing to do it. She sidles out, while Dawson watches her go with -- if you can believe it -- a more smug expression than he has ever worn on this show. I hate you, Dawson.
Dawson's Creek is brought to us by the Sega Dreamcast -- one of the many things I would rather be doing while this episode airs.
In a muted faux-video shot, Principal Green says, "In the year 1692, thirteen young women -- well, teenage girls, really -- were banished to a small island off the New England coast because they were suspected of practising witchcraft. One night, a year later, a fire raged out of control, killing them all." Cut to The Flash, who says, "Hands down, the best high school make-out place ever." Cut to Bride of Flash, who says, "I think that's where your father and I made love for the first time." The camera pans down to her feet while Dawson's voice says, "God, Mom!" Heh.
As the Fearsome Foursome stroll down the street wearing what must be someone's idea of appropriate late-fall hiking gear, Jen "Love 'Em and...SQUEEEE! OINK! OINK!" Lindley is saying, "I gotta say, Blair Witch didn't do it for me. I wasn't remotely scared, that girl was irritating beyond measure, and I had to run to the snack bar in dire need of Dramamine." Jen, if I thought you were a moron before, you've now proved it beyond a doubt. Also, Heather Donahue called. She said: "First of all, one and a half words: Hallowe'en: H20. Second, 'irritating beyond measure'? Pigs who live in annoying pens shouldn't throw slop." Sheepishly, Joey -- who is wearing a floppy knit toque and hence is, I suppose, meant to be our Heather -- says, "I was scared." Pacey "Check Me: I Don't Think With my Crotch Anymore" Witter says that's hardly surprising, because Joey is "quite the skittish kitten." She playfully hip-checks him. Aw. Someone hook these two up, pronto.
Dawson: "Blah blah blah groundbreaking blah blah Hollywood laid to waste blah blah camcordercakes." Pacey says that his father makes scarier home movies, and knowing what we do about the Witter clan, I can believe it. As they walk into school, Jen says that she thinks there is no such thing as a witch: "I say 'witch' was just a buzzword [sic] for a girl who happens to follow her completely healthy, totally natural urges, and explore her sexuality -- but, see, you can't do that in swinging 1690 without getting the good townsfolk all up-in-arms. So what do these Puritanical, impotent [only she pronounces it im-PO-tent instead of IM-pa-tint -- and of all the people on this show, and especially given the subject on which she's declaiming, I'd think Jen should know how to pronounce "impotent"] creeps do instead of reaching for the Viagra? They brand these girls as witches. They send them off to some god-forsaken island to die a horrible, solitary death." "Viagra"? Yeah, Jen should really not be excused from having to write her History paper, since clearly what she knows about history could fill a thimble with room to spare. And also, Jen? They were "puritanical" because THEY WERE PURITANS; that was kind of their prerogative. I will admit that, despite all the shit Jen's talking, her hair looks better than it ever has on this show; it looks shiny and healthy and it's all soft and sort of curly around her ears and the nape of her neck. Anyway, throughout this speech, Joey watches Dawson for any reaction, and when there is none, pipes up: "Well, lucky for you, Jen, we live in a world where you can follow your natural urges without fear of persecution." Jen good-naturedly says, "You're right. I would have been so burned at the stake by now." Jen: If only. Dawson, seemingly leery of getting into this whole subject area, suggests that they set up for some interviews and asks Joey to help him. She says, "Sure," in this really weird, breathy tone, like she's grateful he even asked her. And that is just sad. Dawson asks Pacey and Jen to "line up some interviewees," and leaves with Joey as Pacey calls after them to "have fun." To Jen, who by now has stuck a lollipop in her mouth, he says, "Now, doesn't that just warm your heart -- Kevin and Winnie taking those first tentative steps back to the Wonder Years." Oh, all right: Heh (tm Sars). Jen says, "Actually, it just makes me really glad that you and I had the forethought never to hook up." Pacey says, "Amen, Sister Christian." Jen asks Pacey why he thinks they never did hook up, and Pacey says that "the smart-ass sidekick...never gets the girl." He goes on to say that the real reason is that he and Jen "don't need anything from each other." When she expresses confusion, he explains: "You see, you...as the girl whose wanton ways had her banished to the boonies, you needed the affection of the unblemished small-town pureheart to validate you in your oh-so-vulnerable time. Right? Me [sic] -- the perennial black sheep of the Witter brood -- I guess I just needed the love and affection of a woman whose drive and devotion would so shame me to the core that it would force me to get in touch with -- I don't know, shall we call it my inner achiever? But you and me -- we're different. We're on a level playing field." Appreciatively, Jen says, "And I thought Dawson was good at deconstruction."
Okay. Once and for all, "analysis" and "deconstruction" are. Not. THE SAME THING. "Deconstruction" is a practice of literary theory that is complex and elusive enough to require three pages in my Penguin Dictionary of Literary Terms and Literary Theory to define. For example: "A deconstructive reading is a reading which analyses the specificity of a text's critical difference from itself." "The deconstruction of a text does not proceed by random doubt or arbitrary subversion, but by the careful teasing out of warring forces of signification within the text itself." "A deconstructive reading reveals that there is nothing except the text." Does any of that sound like anything that Pacey just did? Or anything that Dawson has ever done? NO. Let us, then, add "deconstruction" to "persnickety" and the rest of the occupants of The Pantheon of Words Used Incorrectly on Dawson's Creek.
Oh God. Okay, let me just sum up the storyline for Andie "Did Somebody Say McCheater?" McPhee for the entire episode, so that I don't have to return to it every time she appears on-screen. Andie, in her capacity as the head of the student disciplinary committee, runs wild with the school's Rules of Conduct and gives way too many students detention for committing minor infractions. Why? I neither know nor care. Let us speak no more of it.
Outside the school, Joey and Dawson set up the camera and tripod, presumably for interviews. Dawson says, "I can't tell you how much I've missed this, Joey." She says, "Me too." He says he feels like he's been able to re-capture a feeling that he'd lost somewhere. She tries to agree but he keeps interrupting her, and finally says, "It's good to be making movies again." She wilts, and says, "I thought you were talking about us -- the way we..." Dawson dismissively says, "Well, that too -- obviously." Joey looks unconvinced. Dawson says, "I miss that whole 'let's-make-a-movie' bug we had before things got so terminally angsty [sic], but I'm really glad we're friends again." Sadly, Joey repeats, "'Friends.' Right."
At the kitchen table, in CamcorderCam, Grams says, "Three hundred years ago, harlots who were practising witchcraft were banished to that island. And what happened there is proof positive that the Good Lord doesn't take lightly [sic] to those who dabble in the black arts." Good old Grams. Cut to Bessie, who is dandling Alexander on her knee and saying, "One time in high school, this kid disappeared there. He was a big stoner -- one of those guys that has Led Zeppelin IV playing in his head at all times -- so everybody said he probably got wasted and drowned. I don't know. Some people say the witches got him." At least the director of this episode had the decency not to have Alexander cover Bessie's mouth while she delivered that speech, because if he had, this recap would end right here. Instead, we cut to the only female student of colour at Capeside High, who is wearing a shirt with "Who Killed JFK Jr.?" on it, and saying, "Yeah, well, kids just mysteriously disappear there over the years, and they say it's the witches, or whatever. But I think the CIA or the NSA had something to do with it. It's just like our government to come up with some occult backstory to cover up their malfeasance." Behind her, the only male student of colour sits on the stairs and glares at her while she advances her theory. I don't know why.
The Fearsome Foursome walks toward a small dock while Pacey grouses about the fact that nobody brought snacks. Charon stands in his boat and asks if it's his lot today to ferry the damned souls of the "Dawson Leery party" down the river Styx and into Hades. Whoops, I dozed off there for a second and had a beautiful dream. What really happens is that some guy standing in a boat asks the same question except for the "Styx" and "Hades" part. Dawson already has his camera out and asks Boat Guy if he can ask him a few questions for his movie. Boat Guy says that he will, in exchange for Dawson's returning the favour; it seems that Boat Guy is making a movie about all the people who have tried making movies about Witch Island since the release of The Blair Witch Project. Dawson looks pretty deflated that his ripped-off idea isn't completely original to him, and the other three laugh at him and get in the boat. Dawson recovers his composure enough to ask what Boat Guy can tell him about Witch Island, and Boat Guy says something about "spooky fun" and "kitschy cool" but that they shouldn't get so caught up in the fun that they stay on the island past dark. Jen says that they don't scare that easily, and Boat Guy gets all defensive and says that girls died out there, and they're not "above taking out their anger on an errant teenybopper or two" once in a while. He adds, "These girls -- sometimes they can't control their natural urges, you know?" The boat sets out from the dock. Dawson films their approach. The boat, for some reason, has a set of antlers mounted on the bow. Whatever. Hey, doesn't Dawson have his own boat? Why wouldn't they have just used it instead of depending on Boat Guy for their passage? Because then a certain plot contrivance wouldn't get worked in there? Oh, that's right. My bad.
Hey, I already have my copy of The Spy Who Shagged Me on DVD, and it's playing on the secondary audio track in my mind. Dr. Evil is telling an obnoxious teenager to "zip it." So am I.
Oh God, a promo for this week's Felicity. Sally Kirkland, your career has signed the DNR order. Why can't you let it die with dignity?
The boat slowly pulls up to the Witch Island dock. Waiting there is a woman who introduces herself as "Wendy Dalrymple of the Capeside Historical Society" and who is played by the girl who was the daughter of a developer who wanted to tear down The Peach Pit in the second season of , and who made Carter examine a rash she had...uh...south of the border (and I don't mean down Mexico way) in the pilot of ER. Her name is Liz Vassey; basically, she's the poor man's non-dead Rebecca Schaeffer. She says she's there to answer any questions they may have about Witch Island, "which, I'm ashamed to say, represents a particularly dark period of our nation's history." For no particular reason, Joey mutters, "Oh, good God." Pacey asks if there's a snack bar, and she says that there are refreshments in the gift shop, "along with a lovely selection of witch-themed souvenirs." Jen says, "Ooh, I like souvenirs," which made me giggle because that's my favourite thing about national parks and historic sites, too. ["Mine three. I kept looking in the background for Witch Island snowglobes." -- Sars]
Dawson's camera pans across the water and onto Wendy, who asks, "Making a little movie, are we?" Heh. Joey rolls her eyes and explains (unnecessarily, in my view) that he's ripping off The Blair Witch Project, and Wendy chirps, "Seen it!" She tells them to follow her (Pacey and Jen having already repaired to the gift shop) to the cemetery, which she says goes over well with the filmmaker types, because it's got a lot of atmosphere. Dawson reminds her that "The Blair Witch was fake, whereas my documentary is real." Yeah -- real weak. Joey rolls her eyes some more. I join her.
In the gift shop, Jen picks up a book entitled Charms, Spells, and Formulas, and reads to Pacey: "Has that wicked crush got you down? Do you stare at him for hours without getting so much as a glance in return? Do you ever call and hang up? Rifle through his garbage? Has the thought of disfiguring his girlfriend ever crossed your mind? Stalk no more, ladies; this handy-dandy incantation will turn the object of all your sugary affections into a lovesick puppy dog." Pacey tells her to "dream on," and she asks, "You don't think it'll work?" He says that he doesn't believe in "spells." She puts on a pointed black witch's hat and says she's going to try it on him, since he's not attracted to her at all. "Not in the least," he agrees, perhaps too quickly because she says, "Ouch." He says that he didn't mean it like that: "You are certainly quite the little über-vixen, and I am nothing if not fond of you, but you're just not my type." She replies, "Right back atcha, man." He sounds disappointed by this, and protests that he's "brooding and comely." She says that she's sure he scores "way high on some girl's cute-o-meter," but not hers. He says that he's "a better catch than Ty the bible beater or that skirt-chasing Neanderthal Chris Wolfe" (word). She says, "This coming from a guy whose past two relationships have ended with the girl either leaving town to avoid prosecution, or cool out in crazy camp for the summer." That was pretty harsh, and Pacey duly says, "Ouch."
Wing Chun: Hey, Glark! Pacey just said "über" [the name of the company that co-runs Mighty Big TV]! Do you think that's a shout-out?
Glark: No.
Wing Chun: Shit.
Dawson films the cemetery. Joey walks through it and observes that, despite the fact that thirteen witches were allegedly sent to Witch Island, there are only twelve graves. Wendy, standing by, says that nobody ever notices that, and that the missing girl is Mary Waldeck. Her body was never found, and while nobody knows what happened to her, there are two schools of thought: one holds that she really was a witch and still haunts the island, while the other possible explanation is that Mary's lover came and took her away. Blah blah Mary was an orphan blah blah Bennett family took her in blah blah she fell in love with the Bennett's son William blah blah found in bed together blah blah blah Bennetts decided she was witchcakes.
Joey makes "how awful" noises and Wendy says that this girl was no older than Joey, put on trial, and sent to the Island on charges she didn't even understand, much less commit, thus separating her from the love of her life. Wendy adds that she thinks that's what makes the Island "a charged place," because anyone who's ever been in love with someone he or she couldn't have can feel the sadness in the air. The whole time Wendy says this, Dawson keeps the camera on Joey, who is looking mopey. Finally, she speaks up to ask Dawson if he's taking all this down. He plays dumb and she elaborates: "Soulmates torn apart by circumstances beyond their control, doomed to wonder what might have been? There's your movie." Oh, Mary, mother of God. "Soulmates"? Here we fucking go. Again. Dawson asks where the fire happened. Wendy says it was at the church, through the woods. He asks her to take them there, and she refuses, saying that she never, ever goes into the woods, and that if they're smart, they won't either. She adds that if they're bent on going, there are maps in the gift shop.
Also in the gift shop are Pacey and Jen, who is improbably stirring something in an improbable giant cauldron among a roomful of improbably lit white candles. She reads her love spell and stirs whatever is, improbably, in the pot, finally scooping up a cupful of it and drinking it. She hands it to Pacey, who bridles, then goes along. Wendy busts in and angrily asks what they're doing. Jen glibly replies that they're just a couple of kids messing around with black magic, and Wendy snatches the book away from Jen, telling them they shouldn't play with things they don't understand. Hey, Wendy, if you're going to get all bent out of shape about it, maybe you shouldn't sell teen-targeted magic books in your store, hmmm? She hands Joey a map and reminds them that they shouldn't get lost, because the woods are very dark, very dangerous, and that there is an "excellent" chance that they'll never be seen or heard from again. Oh, Wendy! Do you promise? That would be excellent.
In the woods -- which look pretty bright to me -- Jen is continuing her dissertation on how witches are just girls who picked the wrong era in which to be horny. She opines that Mary Waldeck was no witch, but just had "a bad case of the warm and fuzzies." Joey says that it's "too heart-breaking for words." Dawson says that he disagrees, and that to him it just proves that love can thrive even in the most difficult circumstances. Joey says, "Yeah, and look what happened to her." Dawson reminds her that no one knows what happened to Mary. Joey says that it's safe to assume Mary died "a very sad and lonely death, separated from the one boy she ever really loved." Dawson insists that if two people are really in love, they'll find a way to be together. For once, I have to agree with Dawson -- the distance between Capeside and the Island looks small enough for someone to swim it pretty easily. Joey says that they were young, and separated for a long time, and that maybe William forgot about Mary. Dawson says that if he did, it proves that they were never meant to be together. Joey disgustedly asks, "Could you be any more naïve?" He asks, "Could you be any more cynical?" In unison, Jen and I ask, "Could you be any more irritating?" and Jen points out the church they've just reached. Pacey asks if they think there's a men's room in there, because he "went a little heavy on the witch's brew." Pacey, you're a guy. It's the woods. Find a tree.
Andie. School. Detention slips. Whatever. ["And why is it approaching nightfall when they're walking around, but Andie is in school? Did they get a school day off to make this idiotic not-umentary?" -- Sars]
The gang enters the church camera-first. Dawson reads a sign explaining that the townspeople built the church in the hope that it might help the girls find God, and that they even sent a minister over every Sunday, but that the girls would tease him so mercilessly that he eventually stopped coming. ["The plaque says all that?" -- Sars] Appreciatively, Jen says, "I could hang with those girls." Jen, if it meant that you'd be in the cemetery at the end of it, I would fully support your minister-teasing. But it doesn't. So shut up. During this exchange, Joey walks up to the altar. Jen pensively says, "I wonder if Pacey loves me yet," and wanders out. Joey reads a sign on the pulpit and says, "They were murdered...It says here that a group of men from the mainland treated the island like their own personal brothel," only she says "main land" instead of "MAIN-lind" and "brothel" like "BRA-thel" with a "th" like in "brother" instead of like "broth." That those errors -- as well as the earlier "impotent" -- were not corrected tells me that the director of this episode is either an idiot, or someone whose first language is not English, or both. Anyway, Joey says that when the townspeople found out, a group of them came over, rounded the girls up into the church, and set it on fire. Dawson says, "That must have been when William ran off with Mary." Joey asks how Dawson knows that William didn't "light the torch." Dawson says, as if Joey is stupid, "Uh...maybe because he loved her?" Joey asks how Dawson knows that William was "such [sic] the enlightened male," and that if the whole town was in an uproar, William might have found it easier to "just go with the flow." Dawson says, "That's not the story I'm interested in telling." What? To tell ANY story you would need to do more than spend a few hours on the island and interview people you already know about whether they ever made out there. You are not Errol Morris! You are not even Dick Morris! You are just a Dick HEAD -- AND A BIG ONE! Joey tells him that "a good documentarian" looks at the story from every possible angle, and not just from "his cloying and annoying worldview." (This is why Michael Moore is a funny and talented filmmaker, but not what you would call "a good documentarian.) Dawson looks like he's trying to formulate a comeback, but before he can answer, Jen comes back in and asks whether Pacey has come back yet. Joey says he hasn't, and Dawson says that they should leave soon, because it's getting dark (despite the fact that it's totally light out). Jen says that she'll find Pacey, and tells Dawson and Joey to go back to the dock and make sure Boat Guy doesn't leave without them.
As they walk out of the woods, Dawson asks why his "optimism" has Joey "so irked." Joey says that she's irked by something else. He asks what is irking her, and she asks, "What's going on with us?" Exasperated, Dawson huffs, "This is not the time or the place to run through an exhaustive dissertation on the state of our relationship." (To those who defend the use of "big words" on the show: That right there was an instance where the same thing could have easily been communicated more effectively by using the kind of language actual people actually use. To wit: "This is neither the time nor the place to go over that again." Or, "Shut up! I can't take hearing this conversation one more god-damn time!" Wait -- the latter is exactly what I said.) Joey says something about their standing by while their relationship crumbles, and then discussing it sometime when it's more convenient. Dawson asks why they can't just be friends and leave it at that. Joey mutters, "Friends," and Dawson says that if they take away everything else that they are, they're still friends. Joey says that he can't just will a friendship into existence. Dawson says that he gives up, and that for the first time in his life he has no idea what she's talking about. She tells him that he has no idea what's going on in her life right now -- how she lost her job, how she did on her PSATs, how she and her sister are making their living -- and that she doesn't know anything about his life either. Dawson says that he's sorry he's been distant, but that he thought that's what they needed. She says that the last year of her life has been a "wide-awake nightmare of conflicting emotions," but that no matter how bad it got, her relationship with him was the only thing that kept her going and made her feel that she was part of something special. So, she says, she's not whining about being friends or not, but because for the first time in her life she's not feeling that connection, and it scares her. Dawson looks down, but before he can formulate an answer (again), they hear the sound of an outboard motor and run down the dock. Boat Guy tells them to get in, but Joey says they can't leave because they got separated from their friends. Boat Guy says, "Stupid, stupid, stupid," and then says some other stuff but I can't hear it because I'm too busy yelling, "Testify, Boat Guy! Amen!" Dawson says they'll be there any minute, but Boat Guy won't stay, and tells them that they can either get in the boat now, or he can come back in the morning and "see who's still alive." Go, Boat Guy! Go, Boat Guy! Go! Dawson says that they can't leave without their friends, so Boat Guy books. Or rather, boats, I guess. As he pulls away from the dock, he yells, "Whatever you do, don't go in the woods!"
You know, if there really is such a thing as an SNL curse, why couldn't it have spared Phil Hartman in favour of Rob "Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo" Schneider?
Damn! I totally meant to go to the Concert on the Creek, but then I decided to give myself an appendectomy with a nail file instead.
Pacey and Jen walk through the now dark woods carrying some X-Files-calibre flashlights. Jen asks him if he "feel[s] anything" yet, presumably referring to her spell. He says he's starting to feel lost. Jen: blah blah blah biblically-themed meal with Grams doesn't sound too bad blah blah I'd even say grace blah blah instead I'm wandering through the haunted wood with your fishcakes. Pacey asks why he's always the bad guy, recaps for Jen the Andie situation, and asks how Andie can possibly have arrived at the conclusion that he's the creep in that scenario. Jen recaps for Pacey the Henry situation, and says that rejecting him made her feel like a creep. Pacey says that love messes everything up, but that sex is nice. Jen agrees. Pacey says he's starting to think that casual sex is "the way to go." Jen says that "sex is never casual." Pacey suggests that it can work if both parties agree on the terms in advance. Basically, they spend the twenty minutes defining the term "booty call." Jen seems amenable, and he advances on her, saying that it may be "the witch's brew talking," but that she looks "all kinds of cute." She smiles and sidles away.
Back in the gift shop, Joey reads from a DTPed Diary of Mary Waldeck, edited by Wendy Dalrymple. The passage she's found conveniently ends thus: "This time apart has me wondering if our bond was but an illusion." Dawson assumes that what Joey is saying is all about him (and, for once, it actually is), and asks whether Joey thinks that their own relationship was an illusion of her own making. Joey tells him not to put words in her mouth; he replies that he doesn't have to, whatever that means. She asks if he ever wonders where "this" is going -- whether this is just the first act, or whether their story has already ended. Dawson asks whether they need to figure that out right now, and why they can't just live in the present. Joey says that "the present sucks" (and I have to agree that it really does suck AS LONG AS THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING ON), and that she's just trying to make sense of what's happened to them. Dawson says that she once told him that some love stories never end: "What happened to that girl?" Joey says, "She offered herself to the boy she loved -- the boy she thought loved her back -- and he rejected her." Dawson says, "If we are truly meant to be, then we will find a way back to each other. It's as simple as that." Dawson, you are such a WET END. Joey snarls, "You so sure about that, Dawson?" Joey, maybe, like me, he just doesn't have the energy to care anymore. She reads some more crap from the diary about whether Mary and William will ever find the road back to each other, and about Mary's being powerless to stop the apparently inevitable end of their relationship. Joey scowls meaningfully at Dawson, while he stares moistly back, but before they can say anything surpassing in lameness what they've already said, they hear a church bell and dart out of the gift shop, figuring that it's Pacey and Jen. Wendy emerges from a back room, with her hair down and an oil lamp in her hand.
Suddenly Joey and Dawson are back in the church, where Jen and Pacey are waiting for them. I thought that the church was so far in the woods that they needed a map to find it. How could they have just jogged there in the dark? Following the bell sound would have helped some, but if the church was really so far from the dock, they shouldn't have been able to hear it as loud as it was. Why am I picking on this tiny piece of discontinuity? I don't know. Pacey says, "You rang?" and Dawson says he thought they rang. Pacey shines his flashlight up into the bell tower, and OHMIGOD there ISN'T EVEN A BELL THERE! Whatever. Joey says, "I'm now sufficiently wigged."
However, instead of finding their way back to the gift shop which is open, and where we know there's food, and OUT OF the apparently haunted or at least damn spooky church, the gang decides to light every single candle and hang out in the church for the night. WHATEVER. Joey reads Mary's diary by candlelight. Jen asks how it is; Joey says she just got a letter from William. Joey reads the date, and Jen says, "That's today." Joey says, "It's also the anniversary of the fire." Oh, lord. The diary reports that, in the letter, William promised to come get her that night, but also revealed that "there are those in town" who wanted to punish the girls further. Joey says that's the last entry. Jen asks if Joey thinks that William came to get Mary. Joey says she doesn't: "He probably played her for a fool and took up with some well-bred hussy from the mainland." Jen, of all people, tells Joey to "hop on the happy train," and says that she thinks that Mary and William were "profoundly in love." Joey says that she hates to be "one of those girls who mistakes pop lyrics for profound truth, but 'sometimes, love just ain't enough.'" Uh, in the interest of parallelism, were the writers trying to find musical references from the seventeenth century? Jen tells her that she hates to burst "this subtextual bubble," but that Joey shouldn't let someone else's love life dictate Joey's. Joey starts to sneer, and then turns it into a pensive look instead.
Dawson sits in a pew near the back of the church, regarding his camcorder. Pacey asks why he's stopped filming, and Dawson says he isn't feeling very visionary. Long story short, Dawson asks Pacey if Pacey thinks Dawson made a mistake ending things with Joey. Pacey says that Dawson consistently wears his heart on his sleeve, and that Dawson was just following his heart, which means that it's not possible for Dawson to have made a mistake. Hey, but wasn't Andie, arguably, following her heart when she slept with the dude in the crazy house? I'm just sayin'.
Later, Dawson sleeps in a pew, Joey stares into space mopily, and behind the pulpit Jen and Pacey discuss whether they can pull off the no-strings sex deal. They assure each other, again, that they don't have any feelings for each other. She asks what they should do now, and he says, "Should I take my pants off?" which was kind of funny. She suggests that they kiss first. They gingerly lean in, and then Jen stops to ask, "Is this wrong?" Pacey says, "I don't know. I don't care. All I know is that in November of 1999, four hyper-verbal teenagers wandered off into the woods on Witch Island to film some ridiculous documentary for History class, and eight hours later, two of them started making out." They kiss, agree that it was weird, and "try again." Just then all the fakey shit starts happening. Windows flap open and closed, the fire flares up in the stove, all kinds of runic-looking characters appear on the walls of the church, a cacophony of voices starts making indecipherable noise, and I roll my eyes so hard that one of them actually does get stuck there and I black out.
Hey, I already bought my copy of The Blair Witch Project on DVD, and it's playing on the secondary audio track in my mind. Heather is saying, "Fuck." So am I.
More fakey shit. The kids run around and finally decide to get out of the church, like DUH, but the doors are jammed somehow and they can't open them. They're all yelling and screaming and turn around just in time to see the FAKEST of all possible fake fireballs blowing toward them from the vicinity of the altar. At this point, I can faintly hear the phone ring; it's a very angry Shannen Doherty getting her bitch on at Paul Stupin for blowing the WB's entire week's $15 effects budget on that non-special non-effect (tm owen). Anyway, the kids all duck, and abruptly all the fake fakey shit stops. Note to the producers: The precise reason that The Blair Witch Project was scary is that it didn't have any of the fake fakey shit. P.S.: You suck. Suddenly, the doors are unimpeded, and they bust through them and out into the woods. In a tearful voice, Jen asks if they can just go home now. Joey says that she doesn't care if they have to swim back. Dawson and Pacey run around the church with their flashlights looking for "a logical explanation for all this." Pacey is not so interested, and they all run through the woods to the dock; the boat is there, and they all pile into it. Dawson films their departure.
As the film switches over to CamcorderCam, we pull back to see that we're in a classroom, and Dawson is screening his crapumentary for his History class, and saying that he envisioned a more straightforward documentary on the history of the island, but that he was surprised to find a love story there -- the story of blah blah blah soulcakes. He adds that what happened to them on the island is "certainly open to interpretation," but that "there's no disputing the fact that the island embodies the emotional turmoil of a girl who didn't know what the future held for her and the boy she loved." You can make that cheque payable to Wendy Dalrymple.
Principal Green -- who seems to be teaching this class, for reasons only God knows -- says, "Nice work, Mr. Leery. A tad derivative in the wake of the whole Blair Witch phenomenon, but inspired work nonetheless." Okay, maybe this is a regionalism I'm not aware of. In Massachusetts, does "inspired" mean "lazy and weak," and does "a tad" mean "really fucking"? No? Hm. Then I can't explain that at all. Principal Green starts to say something else, but the only female student of colour at Capeside High interrupts him to point out an image on-screen that looks like two people standing on the dock watching them go. It is very shadowy, but it does look like a woman in a long dress and a man in a big Pilgrim hat. Dawson looks at Joey. Pacey looks at Jen. Another student of colour they've bussed in from another school calls Principal Green out to the hall to deal with "a situation."
Long line of kids. Andie. Belinda the ex-cheerleader, apparently her lieutenant. Andie: "They all violated the Rules of Conduct." Principal Green: "Get that stick out of your ass, Crazy Maisie; those Rules were written in 1957. I'd think you could remember that, since it's the year you were born." Andie: "D'oh!" (I'm paraphrasing.) Wing Chun: "All of you should just shut up."
Pacey sleeps behind the counter at the video store. Jen crouches in front of him with her chin on her folded hands, and a kittenish expression on her face, asking when they were "going to talk about it." Pacey is confused. She's referring to the booty call they discussed on the island. He tries to tell her that he was taking the unexplained events of their time on the island as an omen that they shouldn't have sex after all, but she disagrees, and he quickly and cheerfully changes his position on the issue. He wants to know if she wants to do it now. Reluctantly, she asks if he does. He says no, because he's "kind of tired." She says that's okay, because "Roswell's on in five minutes, anyway." Uh, okay, you know -- oh, forget it, I don't even care enough to complain about that. Jen says that sometime she will come to him and ask a favour, but of course we all know that Pacey will end up not with a horse's head in his bed, but a pig's.
Joey and Dawson watch the tape again in his bedroom. Joey says that it's Wendy and Boat Guy, and that there isn't any other explanation. Dawson says that it's William and Mary, based on the clothes. Yeah, because Wendy, who works for the Historical Society, could never get her hands on any old-fashioned clothes, or anything. Joey says that Wendy and Boat Guy were "screwing" with them the whole time. Dawson calls her a skeptic and a cynic; she calls him gullible and a sucker. Dawson finally agrees that she's probably right, and then she says that he may be right, and that William and Mary found their way back to each other after all, oh GOD just END THIS already. Dawson apologizes for taking their friendship for granted, and says that it was wrong of him to think they could just pick up where they left off. Joey says it wasn't only his fault and yammers on about intellectualizing their feelings, and haven't I seen this conversation six hundred thousand times before? Thanks -- thought so.
She says that all that matters is how they take care of each other, "so let's not talk this to death." TOO LATE. She suggests that they "take it slow" and check in with each other once in a while. He says, "That sounds immensely do-able." She looks back at the TV screen and says that this is one X-File they're never going to solve. Dawson says, "Unless we go back." Joey refuses. Dawson suggests a sequel. Joey says, "Let's just see how this one opens first." Dawson says, "By the way, how did you do on your PSATs." Joey makes a very weird face and says, "Brilliantly." So, the opposite of this episode, then.
week, Sars has the pleasure of sharing Thanksgiving with the clan Jen. Outside. On a picnic table. In Massachusetts. In November. Even worse, Jen's hair gets all crimpy again.