Props to Cate, Estrones, Glark and Sars.
Previously on Dawson's Creek: $38 came out of Joey's paycheque because she rejected Sleazy Rob the DockDude; Jen's very name was fire to Henry's loins (and tidings of Henry's loins constituted TOO MUCH INFORMATION); Eve was a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in coochie shorts.
Fade up on the Sanctum Dawsonorum. In the half-light, Dawson "Boo Berry...except for the 'Berry' Part" Leery pecks away at a notebook computer, an unrecognizable (to me) black-and-white movie plays on the TV, and Pacey "Fake 'n Bake" Witter holds a small fan in front of his mouth and intones, in the deepest voice he can manage, "Luke. I am your father." Both of them are drenched in ersatz sweat. Dawson tells Pacey he's "monopolizing what's passing for a breeze." Pacey says that this is "one of the most abysmal movie nights ever"; he adds that it's sad that they're two "happening" young guys, and yet can't find anything better to do than sit in a "sweat box in the middle of an armpit-staining Indian summer," watching old movies. It's a good thing Pacey mentioned his stained armpits, because otherwise I might have been able to keep down my Subway. That's okay; I don't need those nutrients -- besides which, now I can really feel like I'm in the action now that my shirt is stained with bodily fluids too. Pacey adds, "Correct me if I'm wrong, Dawson, but didn't we used to have a couple of really cute girlfriends?" Dawson says that was a long time ago, "in a galaxy far, far away." From another room, Glark expresses resentment at the appropriation by Dawson's Creek of any and all Star Wars-related material. Dawson regards the screen of his computer and says that he can't "wrap his mind around this film noir stuff," which is making it hard to write a paper on it. For starters, you could refrain from pronouncing it "film nooo-wahr," ass. Pacey tells Dawson that film noir is "the cinema of cynicism," and that a Spielberg fan could never appreciate its moral ambiguity, "hard-boiled anti-heroes" and "femmes fatales." Dawson whines that it's too hot for "spiky repartee." Pacey drains a bottle of Nantucket Nectar. Mmmm -- product-placed fruit beverage. Pacey indicates the TV screen -- now featuring a young, relatively thin Orson Welles -- and says that he, Pacey, is the embodiment of the fallible protagonist. Dawson rolls his chair out from behind his desk and asks Pacey how the character Welles is playing could not know that the woman is setting him up for "a fall of epic proportions." Pacey says, "Because, Dawson, not all of us are as immune to the lure of sex as you are." I would like to go on record as saying that I'm fine with Dawson the Eunuch, and that the day Dawson actually goes the whole nine is the day I start looking for a replacement recapper; Dawson's virginity (possibly only technical virginity at this point, I know) is one of the few things that confirms my faith in the natural order of the universe. Pacey goes on: "Most of us are just big, dumb guys happy to sell our souls for the slimmest chance of gettin' some." Dawson asks if he can quote Pacey on that. Pacey says, "Witter: two 't's," and then gets up to leave for the air-conditioned police cruiser he's, somehow, allowed to drive.
Speaking of air-conditioning, I just have to say that I don't care how close it is to the water -- there's no way Estrangement Estates wouldn't have central air. I can see the logic of having no a/c at the Bastard Barn, but I think everyone else on this show is sufficiently affluent that they'd have, at the very least, a couple of room air conditioners. But anyway. Dawson gets up and leans out the window, presumably to get some air, all the while plucking at his t-shirt as if he weren't alone in his room and couldn't just take it off and sit in the nude, or take his movie and his notebook downstairs where it would at least be a few degrees cooler. (I don't have air conditioning, so I know all the work-arounds.) Looking out the window at Grams's house he sees the flickering glow of a flashlight inside, and pounces on his phone to call 911. Moments later, he's outside Grams's house with a flashlight of his own when a window slides open and a body pops out, more or less onto Dawson. To the surprise of no one but Dawson, it's Skeeve Whitman, improbably wearing jeans (hey, isn't it supposed to be hot, or something?), a dark red t-shirt with a Chinese character on it, and a black kerchief on her head, which she removes while smirking, "Hi, Dawson." Dawson is dumbstruck. The credits roll.
Glark: Who is that?
Wing Chun: That's Skeeve. That's the girl who fellated Dawson in the season premiere.
Glark: That never happened.
Wing Chun: It did so! Hey, thanks for reading my recap, jerk-ass.
Glark: Wow, she's gross.
Not! Line: Ring!
Wing Chun: Not.
Sars: I didn't know there was a Chinese character for "skank."
Wing Chun: See, I need to check my book, because I thought that was the character for "contrivance."
Sars: Well, you know some characters can combine the sense of more than one word, so maybe we're both right.
Wing Chun: "Skankivance"?
Sars: Exactly.
Back in Dawson's room, Dawson sticks a Band-Aid on Skeeve's elbow and demands an explanation. Skeeve pouts, "Thanks to your nosy-neighbour antics out there, Dawson, I fell down and went boom. Kiss and make better?" Ick. I won't even stand for baby talk when it comes from a baby, so to hear it coming out of Skeeve's cake -- or whatever -- hole is a lot more than I can take. Dawson tells her that the police are going to be there any minute. Skeeve sticks out her ass and arches her back and generally undulates gracelessly all over Dawson's bed while telling him that she and Jen are having a "torrid affair" involving sleepovers, pillow-fights, tickling, and more clichéd tropes of girl-girl action. Dawson, having none of it, yelps, "There was a breaking. There was an entering. And there was a flashlight. All that was missing is a ski mask." Skeeve feigns shock that even the prospect of hearing about her alleged lesbianism with Jen could deflect Dawson from his mission of finding out why Skeeve was there, and then, getting up on her knees while somehow also moving every one of her muscle groups, coos, "Can we just, like, make out or something?" Standing firm (in more ways than one, no doubt), Dawson tells her that either she tells him her version, or he'll tell the police his. Skeeve tells him to do whatever his "big, bleeding heart wants," but adds that she has "a filthy, four-letter word" for him: "P-S-A-T, baby." He asks if that's some kind of threat, and reminds her that she was the one who actually stole the test -- although we still have no evidence that she stole anything; she could have just forged it. Skeeve tells him that he accepted it willingly enough, all the while crawling toward Dawson on her hands and knees. Hey, Skeeve? The role of Catwoman has already been cast, so would you mind holding still for five seconds? Thanks. There's a knock at the door downstairs. Skeeve goes on: "So feel free to get all Boy-Scouty on me, Dawson, but you should know, I get quite the perverse little thrill out of making things profoundly uncomfortable for you and the rest of the Sweet Valley High extras you call your friends." Given that it's Brittany "Jessica Wakefield" Daniel delivering this line, that might have been kind of funny, were it not for the fact that she was shimmying her shoulders and baby-talking and generally chewing through more scenery than Ann-Margret on crystal meth. Dawson glares at her and stomps downstairs. Skeeve, because she is incapable of any other facial expression, smirks after him.
Deputy "I'm Not Gay!" Doug is at the door. While the Piano Riff of Teen Prevarication tootles in the background, Doug shines a flashlight around Estrangement Estates (like, the crime was across the road, moron) and Dawson tells him that he made a mistake about the intruder at the Ryan house. Deputy Doug seems satisfied by this explanation, and leaves. When Dawson returns to the Sanctum Dawsonorum, Skeeve has left. Unfortunately, she'll be back. [Insert Sideshow Bob shudder here.]
In a park, Jen "I Am Woman, Hear Me Bore" Lindley and Jack "Jody Campbell" McPhee lie on a white quilt -- decorated with a pattern that I believe is called "The Wedding Ring" -- that would go for about $800 at a Mennonite market and hence should not be laid out on a lawn where it could suffer permanent grass stains. Jack says something about the stars, and then says they should probably go home. Jen says, "Not before the main event," and then says that between the stars and the moonlight, "it's perfect." Jack scoffs: "Yeah. Lying in the grass on a hot Indian summer night with your gay best friend -- that's your definition of 'perfect'?" Jen says she could do a lot worse. Jack says that she can't tell him there isn't anyone else she'd rather be stargazing with. She says, "You got me," and then confesses that it's Matt Damon. When Jack challenges that vote, she changes her mind to Ben Affleck. Jack says he was thinking of the realm of the possible, and suggests Henry. Jen says, "The freshman?" For those who didn't see it last week, Jack reminds her (as if she could have forgotten) that Henry paid $500 to kiss her, and says, "You gotta admit that's kind of sweet." Jen says, "It's the sweet ones that you have to watch out for. They'll run over you like a Mack truck." Jack says that Henry's harmless, and that he worships Jen. Jen says that he's a teenage boy, and hence will worship "anything in a Wonderbra." She cozies up to Jack and tells him that she's "already sleeping with the best-looking guy on the football team," and adds that best friends "are nothing to sneeze at." Aw. Jack looks pensive. Jen says that when she first met Joey and Dawson, she was so envious of "what they had -- all that history." Jack says, "Then that whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing kicked in." Jen decides to tempt fate, and says, "See, that's what's so great about us -- sex will never come between you and me." Then the automatic sprinklers kick in and effectively chase Jack and Jen out of the park. If what concerns me most about this scene is the possibility of damage to the quilt, does that make me an old lady? Because I can live with that.
Sun rises over the dock. Just in case we hadn't picked up from scenes that it's a bit warm out, the DC visual effects team has helpfully added distorting heat waves over the establishing shots. Hey, is it Indian summer, or something? Joey "The Bodyguard" Potter cleans a boat. Sleazy Rob the DockDude watches her through venetian blinds (hey, is this episode supposed to be an homage to film noir, or something?) and then appears beside her with a can of pop, suggesting that she "hydrate" herself. Uh, to do that she'd need water; drinking a carbonated, caffeinated beverage would be the fastest way for Joey to dehydrate herself. She declines. He insists. She takes it. It's Diet Coke. It sure looks refreshing! She holds the can gingerly in order not to cover the logo. Rob complains of the heat, takes off his shirt, and throws it on Joey's lap. Glark, in his Jimbo Jones voice, says, "You're never gonna believe this. My shirt's chafing me." Rob indicates his topless torso and asks if it will offend Joey's "delicate sensibilities."
Joey picks up Rob's shirt with the end of her broom handle and flicks it back at him. God, please let this be a sign of the triumphal return of Old Joey. She says that since she needs this job to support Bessie and Alexander, she will choose to look the other way. Ignoring what she just said, Rob invites her to the movies that night. Joey says, "Oh, joy. Is this the part of our workday when you get inappropriate?" and when he persists, she says, "Ask me again in two years when I am legal." Rob says that if Joey doesn't watch it, someone else will take him up on his offer and she'll be "green with envy." Joey thinks she can live with that possibility. Rob picks up the hose and sprays her with it. With what sounds like genuine alarm and anxiety, Joey repeatedly yells at him to stop it. Rob finally does, and asks if all teenage girls are as uptight as she is. Joey says, "No, just the ones with half a brain," and stalks off. Rob the DockDude's continued sexual harassment of Joey is brought to you by Diet Coke. Just for the taste of it: Sexual Harassment!
Dawson tries to play gumshoe, investigating Skeeve, but it comes across more like dumbshoe. He determines that she never worked at the strip bar, and that no one named Eve Whitman has ever been registered at Capeside High.
Oh, crap. I totally forgot to watch the WB Radio Music Awards.
At school, Jack complains to Henry "Fool" Parker about having to endure football practice in the heat. Henry is unsympathetic, and starts to say that if they're late, "Big, bad Mitch is going to kick our..." Jack says, "Our what?" but Henry can't answer because Jen is walking toward them wearing a slip dress and sucking on a...red, white and blue popsicle. Jack tells Henry to ask Jen out when she comes over. Henry says it's not that easy, because Jen is a goddess. Jack says, "If you think she looks good in that, you should see her in a towel." Henry's eyes pop out. Hey, Jack -- that's not a nice thing to do to poor Henry. As the Electric Guitar of Unfulfilled Juvenile Desire twangs, Jen joins Jack and Henry and offers them each a "lick" of her popsicle. Henry looks like he's going to pass out. Jen books. Henry reminds Jack that Jen puts him in a fugue state whenever she's around. Jack says, "What if you didn't have to ask her out?" Henry think Jack means that Jack could get Jen to ask Henry out, and says, "I am so down with that feminist stuff." Yeah, that's obvious. Jack suggests that their first date could be "like kismet" -- the two of them showing up at the same place, at the same time. Henry looks confused.
More establishing shots of Capeside looking hot. Is it still --? Okay, because I wasn't sure; no one had said it was hot there. I think I get it now. Deputy Doug tickets illegally parked cars. Dawson strolls up, and DD teases him about the phone call the other night. Dawson tells DD that he's working on a film noir screenplay involving a mysterious woman, and asks how his "cop protagonist" might locate someone who doesn't want to be found. DD asks who the girl is. Dawson says she's a "lost soul" -- a wild child who is actually sweet beneath all her "posturing." Yeah, if by "sweet" you mean "skanky," and if by "posturing" you mean "convulsions." DD suggests that Dawson stake out the laundromat. If there are any shots of Skeeve washing her underwear, you're going to have to fill in the rest of this episode using your imaginations, because I'll be in the hospital with a compazine drip.
The scene finds Dawson reading on a park bench across from the laundromat. Oh yeah -- you blend. Pacey joins him and hands him a drink, saying that obsession isn't pretty. Dawson asks Pacey why it doesn't bother him that they don't know everything about Skeeve. Pacey says that there are women who will "come onto the movie set that is your life" to function "solely as day players," and hence will always remain "an impenetrable mystery." Uh. Skeeve is a lot of things, but "impenetrable" is decidedly not one of them. Dawson whines that Skeeve came into his life just to stir things up for her own amusement. Pacey asks if she didn't "try to go where no girl has gone before." I rest my case. Dawson goes back over everything they thought they knew about her, that turned out to be false. Pacey tells Dawson to calm down, and then suggests that they rent that movie where Matt Dillon has that really outstanding threesome with Neve Campbell "and that girl from Starship Troopers." I have to say, Wild Things really is a deceptively good movie. Dawson agrees, and they both get up. Pacey says, "One more thing. My brother -- he gave you the laundromat speech, didn't he?" Dawson says, "Yeah!" Pacey laughs. Um. So did I. On their way to the store, they pass Eve at an ice cream cart. Pacey tells Dawson that Deputy Doug's stakeout method is fine, but that Pacey prefers his father's technique of "pin the tail on the suspect." They follow Skeeve.
At the dock, Sleazy Rob rings a bell and asks Joey for some service. She growls, "Very funny," but he says he's serious; he has his father's boat and that he doesn't want to get gas all over himself because he's on a date. Joey walks over and pauses to him to say, "You may have overdone it on the CK One." Hee! Rob starts taunting Joey about his date, as if she cares, saying that she's a cutie, about Joey's age, but a better dresser who's not so uptight about "showing a little skin." Joey rolls her eyes. Rob concludes by saying, "I am going to get so lucky tonight." Joey says, "Don't tell me you actually found some high-school girl so riddled with insecurities that she would actually fall for your minor-league Humbert Humbert impersonation." She goes to gas up the boat.
A door on the boat slides open and out steps Andie "Rootin' Tootin'" McPhee, effusively greeting Joey and explaining that she ran into Rob -- who went to school with her brother Tim -- at the country club. Andie asks Rob if he knew that Joey and Andie were friends. Rob says he had a sneaking suspicion, since it is a small town. Joey asks Andie where "Moneybags" is taking her. Andie says that they're going to the movies, because "it's too hot to do anything else." It's hot? Rob says, "Well, almost anything else." Andie giggles flirtatiously, and says, "That wasn't a sexual overture, was it?" Rob says, "Ssshh, Andie. Not in front of the K-I-D." Andie snerks. Joey finishes filling the gas tank and starts to walk off, but Rob stops her putting a bill waaaaay down in the breast pocket of her shirt. Joey rolls in her shoulders to move the fabric further away from the breast beneath, plucks the bill out from the pocket, and hands it back to him, sneering, "Save it for bail money." I'm raising the roof for Old Joey, here.
Night falls on Capeside. In the park, Henry spreads out a blanket on the ground and checks the palm of his hand where he's written a crib sheet for his impending encounter with Jen, muttering, "Moonlight. Tell her how nice she looks. 'What a beautiful spot this is!' Don't puke. Don't puke. Don't puke." As he repeats the last bit a few more times, Jen walks up behind him and asks if he's okay. He moans inarticulately, so she tells him to "gulp once for 'yes,' twice for 'no.'" He swallows hard, which she interprets as "yes," and then asks what's on his hand. He says it's nothing, and then says she's awesome: "You look awesome, you smell awesome -- everything about you is awesome. I just wanted you to know that." Good-naturedly, Jen says, "Good to know," and asks what he's doing there. He says he's just hanging out, "same thing you are." She says that she's actually waiting for Jack. Henry tells her that Jack couldn't be there, because he had other plans. Jen's face falls. Henry adds that Jack sent him instead. Jen says she thinks she knows where this is going, and tells him to come out with it. Henry admits that Jack thought if they were both there, it would be sort of like a date. Jen says, "Look, Henry, I know you're new at this, being all of -- what, fourteen?" Sadly, Henry says, "Fifteen." Jen says, "Okay, fifteen. Dating is a consensual activity that usually involves some sort of pre-arrangement. time, don't skip the part where you ask me." She stomps off with all the grace of a young Edie McClurg. Jen, I see where you're coming from, but don't bite the poor frosh's head off -- he doesn't know what he's doing.
Elsewhere, Skeeve skanks along the dock while Dawson and Pacey follow at a discreet distance appropriate to the stalkers they've become. Skeeve gets on a boat and turns on a light. Through a curtain, they watch her change clothes, as does the audience, for far longer than is really necessary. She emerges in a totally butt pink terry-cloth tube dress, and skanks back off the way she came. Pacey follows her, and Dawson sneaks onto the boat Skeeve just vacated, where he finds some empty candy cartons, some clothes, and, tucked into a hardcover book, a snapshot of a woman with long, blonde hair. Before he -- or we -- can really study it, he hears, "Freeze -- you're under arrest," and slowly tucks the picture in his pocket. Of course, it's Deputy Doug, holding a gun on Dawson. You know he's got a clear shot; getting Dawson would be like hitting the broad side of a barn. A barn with really bad hair.
Hey, J. Crew guy. Shell out for some damn wrapping paper. No one wants a present that's wrapped in something that came so close to your ass.
Deputy Doug says, "Let me guess -- research for your screenplay." Dawson claims that a friend of his lives on the boat. DD asks if the "friend" is the mysterious femme fatale; Dawson says it's nothing that lurid -- just a friend. DD says he never figured Dawson for the type who'd be "pals with octogenarians," since it seems that the boat belongs to Mr. and Mrs. Paul Stepmuck, who only come to Capeside in the summertime. Dawson says that he may have "clambered" onto the wrong boat. DD says it's either that, or that Dawson's friend is the one "we've been looking for." Dawson expresses confusion, so DD tells him that a couple of weeks ago, someone stole a speedboat from the marina and took it for a joyride. No doubt remembering the boat Skeeve was standing in, then reclining in, the night of the stripper party, Dawson says, "A speedboat. Really," and says he doesn't know anything about that. DD clearly doesn't believe him, and, putting his arm around Dawson, tells him that between the 911 call, the questions about the screenplay, and the trespassing, DD knows something's going on with Dawson. Saving Dawson from answering is Pacey, who calls out Deputy Doug's name. DD drops his arm, and says he should have known that Pacey had to be involved. Pacey says, "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Despite his dapper, Gap-clad appearance, my friend Dawson does not play for your team, okay? You're just going to have to find another date for the policeman's ball." I thought it was American Eagle Outfitters. DD says that Pacey's obsession with DD's sexual orientation is "just plain weird" and adds, "Do I have to talk to Dad again?" DD is a tattletale? Pacey says that one of these days, DD will open his mailbox, and that Advocate cover story will be his, with the headline, "Good Cop, Gay Cop." Pacey goes on in this vein for a while until DD finally shrieks, "I AM NOT GAY!" in the way that so clearly communicates that a man is gay, but is deeply in denial about it. DD orders them both off the dock, and stomps away. When DD is gone, Pacey tells Dawson that Skeeve is "squirrelly" and lost him.
It seems that, to celebrate its "re-opening," the Rialto is showing Blue Streak (classy!), or at least so says the poorly superimposed CG writing on the establishing shot. Within, Joey tentatively wanders through the lobby, stopping to peer in at the cinema, where she sees Rob sitting alone. She turns back to wander through the lobby and out bounces Andie from what is presumably the restroom. "Ohmigod, Joey!" she squeals, and asks what she's doing there. Andie takes her aside and babbles about how excited she is to be on a date with Rob Logan -- "Senator Logan's son" -- whose parents are loaded, "not that that matters," but "it doesn't hurt either." Joey looks nervous, and tells Andie that Rob is not a nice guy, and that since she's been working for him, Joey's life has "become one gigantic leerfest." Andie chirps, "This may come as a surprise to you, but not everybody minds being looked at as a sexual object." Joey blinks, but, undeterred, goes on to say that he constantly hits on her, and that he walked in on her changing clothes on her first day. That was her first day?
Andie asks why Joey's trying to ruin this for her. Joey protests that she isn't, but that she thought Andie should know what kind of guy Rob is. Andie condescendingly says, "Joey, guys is [sic] hardly your area of expertise." Joey glares at her in disbelief. Andie goes on: "I mean, between Dawson and my gay brother -- I'm sorry, but it's true. You're not exactly sophisticated when it comes to dealing with guys." Uh, I wonder how Jack would react to Andie's describing him as "my gay brother" as if he were "my three-legged dog." Joey insists, "This is not about me." Andie says that it is, because Joey is so fixated on Dawson that she's "closed off to any new experience," so that if a guy so much as looks at Joey, she freaks out. Andie, why don't you go home and wait by your mailbox, since that degree in psychology is going to arrive any day now (tm Cate). Andie adds, "Staying home every Friday night isn't going to bring him back." Before Andie can put the capper on her Tai impression and conclude: "You're just a virgin who can't drive," Joey snorts, "Going out with a nimrod like Rob Logan is a recipe for recovery?" Joey starts to say something about Andie's wanting to get over Pacey, but Andie cuts her off by saying that she's moving on with her life, and she thought Joey would understand that: "I guess I was wrong." Andie flounces off. Joey looks amazed.
In the cinema, the lights have gone down. Andie tiptoes in and sits down to Rob, who says he was getting worried. Joey comes in and sits down on Andie's other side with a huge box full of concession items. Andie tells her to leave. Joey tells her that in the light of day, Andie can psychoanalyze Joey all she wants, but that Joey isn't leaving Andie alone with Rob. He leans across Andie and asks Joey what she's doing. Joey hands him some nachos. Andie apologizes for Joey. Joey leans toward Rob proffering another box of candy and says, "Goober?" Ha!
At Grams's house, Jack is rifling through the refrigerator. Grams tells him there's ice cream in the freezer. Jack observes that since he's started playing football, he's been eating her out of house and home, and says he wishes he was earning his keep a little more. Grams says he is: "You are making my granddaughter happy -- happier than I've seen her in quite a long while." Right on cue, a door slams and Jen stomps into the kitchen. Grams says Jen scared her, and Jen apologizes curtly, adding, "Getting surprised really sucks, doesn't it, Jack?" Jack freezes with a spoonful of ice cream halfway to his mouth. Jen asks him if he takes cash or credit cards, and whether it's just Henry, or will she have to service the entire football team? Jack tells her she's overreacting, and explains to Grams that he was just doing a favour for a friend, and he thought it would be romantic. Jen says it was about as romantic as a carjacking. Jack says Henry's a nice kid. Jen says he looks at her like she's a pornographic fantasy come to life. Jack says that Henry's infatuated with Jen. She tells Jack that she's not infatuated with Henry, that she told Jack as much "a thousand times," and that Jack ignored her and took Henry's side. Jack protests that he didn't take anyone's side. Jen tells him that he wanted to get his "little football buddy lucky," and stomps off. I know Sars disagrees, but I have to take Jen's side on this. Jack did tell Jen that Henry liked her, Jen did say that she wasn't interested, Henry's "infatuation" with Jen is a little creepy, and Jack did trick her into being alone with him. I agree that Jen's extrapolation that Jack would expect to pimp her to the whole football team was an overreaction, but I would still feel pretty betrayed if my friend kept trying to set me up with some guy I barely knew over all my polite, yet firm, objections. Back off, Jack.
Dawson opens the door to the Sanctum Dawsonorum to see Skeeve sitting in the window in her skanky tube dress. He demands to know what she's doing there. She says she wants her picture back. He says he wants some answers. She and her very uneven breasts slide into the room and offer to tell Dawson anything he wants to know. He essentially asks why she's been lying all this time, and what she's doing in Capeside. She says he has a right to ask, and that the answers are forthcoming. He says he's "sick of being toyed with [sic]," and that his life has been a disaster since she came into it, citing the wreck of his father's boat as evidence. She says that was worth every penny, and he knows it, and adds that she turned a dork into a stud in a matter of weeks (uh, not from where I sit, dude), and he isn't even grateful. He says that her "hip and amoral" routine is getting old. She asks if he really thinks she's amoral. He says she's either that or a criminal (uh, she could well be both). She says, "Sticks and stones, Dawson," and asks, again, for the return of her picture. He asks again what she was doing in Grams's house. She says that she was looking for something to steal and sell to get bus money out of Capeside (woohoo!). Dawson asks how a picture could mean so much to someone as "cold and detached" as she is. She manages to look hurt, backs away, and admits that she wasn't a student, the yacht wasn't hers, and that the girl in the picture is the mother she's never met and is trying to find. It seems the picture is her only clue to finding her. Yawn.
It seems that if you don't use anti-bacterial Tide, your babies will die. So, FYI.
Okay, this Skeeve-searches-for-her-mom storyline is so stupid. Skeeve found that snapshot in the attic last year. She asked her parents, and they confessed that she was adopted. All she knows about her birth mother is that she lived around here somewhere, but she hasn't found her yet, so she's leaving Capeside. Dawson believes her this time. I'm sure that makes all the difference to Skeeve. He returns her picture. She says he's sweet and that she played with him, but he dug at her, and wanted to see inside "her screwed-up little soul." Well, he wanted to see inside something of hers. She preens and simpers on the bed for a while, and then takes her linebacker's shoulders and her mismatched breasts and climbs out the window. Glark tells her, "Try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot!"
Jen lies on the quilt in the park. Jack asks if he should fall on his sword now or wait until the battle's over. Jen says she doesn't care, because either way, he's a dead man. Jack says he did it for Jen, not Henry, because he wanted to show Jen that the things she wants are there for the taking, if she just believes she deserves them. Jen says that "this" (the park, presumably) was their place -- hers and Jack's -- and it hurt her when she found out that didn't mean anything to him. Jack says it does mean something to him, but he thought she should want more. She says, "I've had lovers, I've had boyfriends, but what I've never had is a boy who's first and last a friend, who wasn't secretly trying to get in my pants" or wouldn't leave when she said she wouldn't sleep with him, blah blah blah who liked her for her. She adds that she thinks his setting her up with Henry was more about Jack than about her. Jack scoffs that he doesn't have a secret crush on Henry Parker. Jen says she doesn't either, but that's not what she means: "I mean that maybe it's you who's lonely for the relationship." Jack says maybe he is, but this isn't New York, and that in Capeside the gay population is one. Jen tells him he's going to have a fantastic love life. Jack says that's easy for her to say. She agrees that it is, but that he has to have faith that sometimes things happen when you least expect it. Right on cue, the sprinklers come on. They gambol. Whatever.
On the dock, Andie perks along and runs into Joey, who says that Rob isn't there yet, and that Andie "must have kept him out pretty late last night." Andie protests that nothing happened, and that even though Joey doesn't deserve to know it, Rob walked Andie home after the movie and was a perfect gentleman. Joey says, "Yeah, he's a prince, all right -- Prince of Darkness," and runs right into Rob, who accuses her, jovially, of slacking off on the job again. Andie covers by saying they were just talking "girl talk." Rob alludes to their "threesome" of the night before and says that time, he wants to be in the middle. Ew. He adds that Joey's presence was "an unexpected pleasure" since he thought she was working, since they usually stay open until 8 PM on Fridays. Joey dismissively mutters that no one comes in after 7 PM anyway, and that Rob knows that. Rob demands that she answer the question, so she admits that she left early. Rob spits, "You're fired." Joey yelps, "What?!" Andie comes to Joey's defense, saying that this must be a misunderstanding. Joey growls, "Don't bother," and walks off. Rob calls after her, "Nice working with you, Potter." This pulls her up short, and she squares her shoulders (for once), turns around, and strides back to say, "You know what, Rob? The day your out-of-whack libido lands you in so deep that not even Daddy can save your ass, don't call me as a character witness. Rot in hell." Andie looks distressed. Rob smirks. Go Old Joey, go Old Joey, go!
Grams opens the door for Dawson, who is carrying a very large room air conditioner. He stumbles in, and Grams remarks, "My word! Beware of heretics bearing air conditioners." Heh. Dawson says that the Flash insisted he bring it over. She ushers him in, and he roughly sets it down in a spare room. Straightening up, he glances over at a table, on which is set a framed photograph of Grams with a woman who looks a lot like the one in Skeeve's picture. He gets closer and stares. Grams comes in and hands him a glass, and he asks who's in that picture. Grams, assuming he's pointing at a drawing on the wall above the photo, explains, "That's Our Lord Jesus Christ," as imagined by one of the students in her Sunday-school class. Heh! He corrects her, and she says that's her daughter Helen, right before she went away to college. Dawson says, "So that's Jen's mom?" Grams fixes him with her gaze and says, "I have only one daughter, Dawson Leery." What an evasive answer! Does that mean that, while Helen is her daughter, Jen might not be Helen's daughter, so that while Grams isn't lying, she also isn't answering Dawson's question? Or is it just that all the spoilers were right, and Skeeve and Jen are half-sisters? All I can say is that when Skeeve comes back -- and you know she will -- that episode better be Sars's.