Props to Wendola, Kim and Sars, and apologies to my stomach lining.
As much as I hate to give Kevin Williamson credit for...well...anything, after watching the dreck that was the Dawson's Creek season premiere, I can only surmise that it was his guiding hand that had heretofore halted the show's decline into Beverly Hills, -style characterization and ludicrously contrived storylines. I do not know how I'm going to get through this season. And I'm not speaking hyperbolically -- I really can't conceive of how I will get through this season. And I have tried.
Sigh.
Previously on Dawson's Creek: Bride of Flash decided to take the job in Philadelphia. Jen Lindley didn't want to be alone anymore, nor did Grams and Jack McPhee. Andie McPhee was exhorted to "hurry back" to Pacey. Joey begged Dawson not to turn in her father, because if he did, she couldn't be friends with him anymore, but he did it anyway. The Ice House burned down.
A Cape Cod-bound bus tools down a dark road to the dulcet tones of...Bob Seger...belting "Old-Time Rock and Roll." I already want to watch something -- anything -- else. Cut to a small piece of electronic equipment, the nature of which is not immediately apparent, on the lap of Dawson "Cream of Weak" Leery, who is wearing headphones and resting his prodigious noggin on his equally gargantuan rolled-up shirt. He wakes up with a trickle of drool in the corner of his mouth. Dawson, this is how I plan to remember you. He takes a moment to orient himself and looks over at his seatmate, a cute girl with short blonde hair who slowly swivels her head to appraise him coolly. Although she is on a bus, she is wearing a tube top. He flicks his eyes away from her for a second, and when he looks back she is saying something he can't hear, so he takes off his headphones and she says again, "You're drooling." He wipes his mouth, and she adds, "You're a very heavy breather; did you know that?" He says, "No." She makes a disparaging comment about Dawson's "scintillating" conversation. He stares at her like the dumbstruck buffoon he is. She asks what's in his lap. His eyes instantly dart to the area where his genitals would be if he weren't a Ken doll, but the girl laughs at him and tells him she meant the machine, and wanted to know what movie he was watching. Apparently it's a portable DVD player. He says it's Risky Business. In light of the shamelessly derivative plotline that follows -- and believe me, this is no spoiler, since there is nothing to spoil -- I would like to say WHATEVER in advance.
There's a bit of stupid banter about the movie (apparently Rebecca DeMornay and Tom Cruise "do it" on a train, or something? I haven't seen it ["I blame this film for launching Tom Cruise into the bosom of American filmgoing society. But anyhow, back to the point, namely that yes, they "do it" on a train and in a bunch of other germy and uncomfortable places as well." --Sars]) in which this girl implies that she doesn't buy the premise of the movie: "He's a virgin and she's a battle-scarred hooker who's slept with hundreds of men." This is when I realize that, with her short hair, this girl looks like a blonde Alyssa Milano, but that really she's one of the twins from the Sweet Valley High TV show. Dawson opines that Risky Business is a modern myth: "Joseph Campbell meets Sigmund Freud meets Holden Caulfield." I need a nap. Dawson goes on in this vein until Bus Girl -- much like Film Threat Girl before her -- does a double take and smirks and almost grudgingly says, "You're adorable!" and asks his name. Oh, AS IF! Ladies, when was the last time you told a guy he was adorable because he strung together a bunch of nonsense words about some crap-ass movie from the eighties? I'll wager it NEVER happens. Dawson gives her his "but of course" grin and introduces himself and they shake hands. The camera cuts to their hands shaking to show that the instant Dawson starts to let go, she pulls her hand away. He asks if she's okay. She tells him some damn bullshit about her father telling her never to release her hand in a handshake until the other person released first, because it "imparts a subtle yet powerful advantage in all human intercourse." Dawson is clearly thinking "huh huh, she said 'intercourse,'" and says that he meant her skin, and asks if she has a fever. She says that's just her, and that she "runs a few degrees hot." Wait a minute. Hold up. Are they trying to communicate that this is a sexually gregarious woman whose horny life force is evident even in the temperature of her skin? That's a spicy meatball! To make sure we all get the message that she has, ahem, "the hots" for Dawson, the last line before that damn Paula Cole starts her insufferable moaning is Bus Girl saying, "You didn't tell me about your girlfriend."
Blink.
So there's new opening credits. There's Dawson with his hair looking much blonder, and less greasy, than in the scene we just watched. There's Joey with the good-thing-it's-not-five-years-old-oh-wait-it-is Rachel haircut. There's Jen looking like she dropped about fifteen pounds from her face, with sort of ratty, overly-gelled wavy hair, and there's Pacey looking oddly brown, but not like he has a tan -- just like he's covered in an extremely even layer of dirt. And then there's Jack and Andie, whose images have made it into the credits. Andie's hair is blonde again, and a lot less flat than last year.
Okay, I have no problem with Gap hiring bored-looking models to sing in their ads, but how hard would it have been for them to cast models who can actually sing? In unison singing, it's kind of important that everyone be on-key.
Joey "He's my father! He's a dealer! He's my father and a dealer!" Potter is on a dock pumping gas into someone's boat and checking her watch. A guy -- presumably her boss -- comes up behind her and says he'll take it from there. She growls that he was supposed to be there at eight. He patronizes her and her wish not to be late on her first day of school. She says her last class ends at 2:30 and that she should be back at work by 3:00. He tells her not to be late. She gives him one parting glare and trots up the dock, presumably to change clothes, although her gas-station-attendant shirt looks adorable on her. My prediction for these two is either that they'll embark on a scandalous (consensual) love affair, or that he will sexually harass and/or assault her.
At Grams's house, Jack "Quarterback Princess" McPhee and Jen "Dick" Lindley efficiently prepare breakfast in perfect synch. Grams "Loving Mrs." Ryan watches the whole spectacle from the hallway until they both look up and, in unison, ask "what?" She asks, "And how long have you two been married?" Jack and Jen exchange a look. My prediction is that these two will become the Justin and Kaia of Dawson's Creek, and will have minimal interaction with the rest of the cast throughout this season.
Pacey "Proactiv" Witter eats breakfast at Estrangement Estates (formerly the No-Fault Hacienda) and is asking what happened when Dawson woke up, and Dawson tells him that Bus Girl had morphed into "an octogenarian Spanish woman with a hairy lip." Dawson says it was weird, because one moment she was the perfect woman sitting to him, and then the moment (insert clichéd finger-snap here) she was gone. Pacey says, "Usually when I have moments like that, I've got to change the sheets afterwards."
I quit.
Okay, I don't. But that was my moment of clarity in which I realized that this show is now, officially, irredeemably awful.
In response to Pacey's remark, Dawson muses that maybe she wasn't real, so Pacey asks, "What about the one that is real?" Dawson hesitates and asks, "What about her?" Pacey reminds Dawson -- and North America -- that Dawson and Joey haven't seen each other all summer, and that everyone is waiting to see what will happen when they finally do. Dawson has apparently graduated from Katie Couric fantasies to Katie Couric hair; it's hot-rolled and mushroomed-out to such an extent that it looks like his head is wearing a blond life preserver, which is ironic, since that bean is the size of a buoy as it is. Anyway, Dawson says that maybe Pacey wasn't listening the first fifty thousand times he said it: "It's over." Pacey says it's only over until Joey speaks to Dawson. Dawson says she won't. Pacey says that Dawson underestimates the healing power of time to convince people to forgive and forget. Dawson says that even if Joey did come up to him and tell him that she forgives and forgets, he himself wouldn't: "I wouldn't forget that most of the past year has been a hellish nightmare." Amen to that. "I've been verbalizing and angst-ing [sic] instead of living. I need to learn how to exist and ask questions later." Pacey asks if, at school today, Joey comes up to Dawson, apologizes, and "does that cute little hair-flip thing she does," what Dawson would do. Dawson says he'd tell her that "it's over, it's been over, and that we're both better off without each other." Oh, how I hate it when Dawson and I agree. At that moment, the Flash comes in and tells Dawson he's on his way to his coaching conference. Pacey expresses confusion, and Dawson pulls a Basil Exposition and tells Pacey that "Substitute Mitch" (which was kind of funny) is Capeside High's newest Varsity football coach. A conference of high school football coaches would be held at the same time school was starting? When high school teachers have nearly three months of summer off? Whatever. Pacey needles the Flash about the team's losing streak, and the Flash assures Pacey that, speaking as a former "Minuteman" (no comment) himself, this season "will be a winning one." He starts to hustle his buns of steel out of there, and Pacey asks him why he isn't leaving Dawson with any parting words of wisdom, or warnings about keeping the house in an appropriate state in Mitch's absence, and whatnot. The Flash says that's a good point, and tells Dawson to keep Pacey out while the Flash is gone. Ha.
Ha.
After a surprisingly brief montage of shots establishing the fact that students are returning to Capeside High, we cut to Jack and Jen in an auditorium, where Jack is telling Jen that if he falls asleep, she shouldn't wake him. A trio of stereotypically "popular"-looking girls we've never seen before (read: Abby x 3, without the acting talent or charisma) stops beside Jen and the leader asks how Jen's summer was and whether she hosted any gang-bangs. Jen says, "You know, Belinda, I could think of a really scathing comeback right now, but I figure that I should show you a little sympathy, seeing that the lipo didn't take." Belinda strikes a "Well, I Never" pose and stomps off with her lieutenants and Jen and Jack laugh at them.
Query: have we ever had any indication that Jen has been victimized by anyone more "popular" than she? Furthermore, does the Jen we know strike anyone as someone who really gives a rat's ass about what some essentially anonymous snotty girl thinks of her? And finally, beyond the public perception of Joey (motherless convict's kid from wrong side of creek) and Pacey (town screw-up) have the social strata of Capeside High ever been an issue on this show before? Like, do we know or care how popular any of the gang is in relation to anyone else? I ask this because I did attend a high school where such strata were as clearly established as the line of succession in the British royal family, so I know whereof I speak. There were some people who were harassed by the inner circle and who really cared about it, but mostly high school was made up of "untouchables" who were ignored. And from what we know of Jen, I really can't see that anything these girls said would even penetrate. It's not like they're seniors and she's a freshman. They're all juniors. Who cares? My point is, essentially, that this plotline strikes me as extremely contrived. I do think the mechanics of high school popularity are worthy of dramatic examination, but you just can't do a half-assed job of it, besides which, isn't there already a show on the WB about being popular? And isn't it called Popular? Cool, just checking.
Dawson and Pacey are sitting apart from Jen and Jack, watching the door for Joey. Pacey says she has to come, because it's the junior assembly. Dawson tells him to shut up.
A guy on stage introduces himself as "Principal Green." He's played by Obba Babatundé, who also played the choreographer on the episode of Friends where Joey tries to pass himself off as a veteran of the Twyla Tharp dance company, so while in my head I was watching him dance around and say, "pas de bourrée, pas de bourrée and jazz hands!" what he was actually saying was that like all of them, he had a new principal in his junior year, and that principal pretty much blew smoke up his class's collective ass about how they were all entering the best year of their lives. Then he stuns us all -- all of us who care, that is, so I guess I mean, "he doesn't stun anyone" -- by saying that he's not going to give that speech because they're living in a different time, and that the students are living and speaking like people twice their age. At this point Joey walks in wearing a mini-skirt. Joey. Mini-skirt. Right. Pacey leans over to tell Dawson she's arrived. Principal Green is still droning on about the extinction of childhood and says he's onto all of them, especially "that gentleman in the fifth row who's talking." He tells Pacey to stand up and asks him his name. Pacey says, "I don't suppose you'd accept 'Che Guevara'?" only he pronounces it "Shay Ga-VAIR-a." The junior class chuckles as if they knew who Che Guevara was. Dawson hides his face. Joey rolls her eyes. Pacey tells him his real name, and Principal Green tells him that he wants to congratulate Pacey for being the first student at Capeside who acts like one, keep on acting like an adolescent, live, learn, screw up, blah blah blah fishcakes, and while Pacey is accepting these kudos, Principal Green ends by telling Pacey he'll see him on Saturday for detention. Uh, maybe the reason children act like little adults is that they get mixed signals all the time? I'm just throwing that out there.
Out in the hall, Belinda is standing beside a table with a couple of pompoms on it and telling some not-at-all too-fat girl that she's too fat, and that she should try the 4-H Club, since that's where they're looking for "the prize hog." She turns to her underlings and says that the only reason that girl came over at all is that somebody made too many pit stops at the Krispy Kreme. First of all, even I know they only have Krispy Kreme in New York City, and in the South. Second, what? Nearby, Jack tells Jen he doesn't know why anyone would want to become a cheerleader in the first place. Jen looks back with a determined expression and says, "There's only one way to find out." There's a stupid power struggle over whether Jen should be allowed to fill out the sign-up sheet, and Belinda tells her that try-outs are the day. Gimme a W! Gimme an H! Gimme a...oh, you see where I'm going with this, right?
Pacey and Dawson come out of the auditorium as Pacey tells Dawson he likes Principal Green, since he seems to have a good sense of humour, and does Dawson think he was kidding about Saturday detention? Dawson starts to answer but is struck dumb (again) at the sight of Joey signing up for some club. Dawson tells Pacey that he was right, and that he (Dawson) is going to crumble, and points Joey out. He asks Pacey to take him anywhere he won't see Joey. Pacey says that, for $25, he has just the place. Joey glances up just in time to see their departing figures. She looks curious, and sad.
Bessie "Oh where, oh where can my Bodie be? Stupin took him away from me!" Potter cooks up some vittles and, hearing the door open, brightly says, "It's Joey!" Joey says it's not her, but only the "shell of her exhausted remains," and drops heavily into a chair at the kitchen table. Bessie assures her that she'll only have to keep working for her jerk boss until the insurance cheque comes (only she pronounces it "IN-surance" instead of "in-SUR-ance"), and then Bessie will have enough to pay a babysitter and will be able to return to work herself. Seems to me Grams might have been a likely candidate to do some babysitting at a considerable discount, but what do I know? Bessie excitedly asks Joey to tell her everything. Joey plays dumb and says they got a new principal. Bessie, of course, wants to know about Dawson, and says that since most of her conversations these days are with a teething baby, she's starved for vicarious thrills. Joey tells her it was great: "Well, he looked at me, and I looked at him, and in that split second, it was like, we forgave each other for everything. And then, of course, we talked about it until we were blue in the face, just like old times." Bessie says she's glad, because if she's sure of anything, it's that Dawson and Joey were meant to be with each other. Joey looks mournful.
Dawson, on the other hand, is beaming up at a stripper and says he thinks he's having a religious experience. I'm not going to even address the fact that these two got into a peeler bar at age sixteen, because what's the point? A waitress in a bad brown wig, and who has the shoulders of a linebacker and really weirdly-proportioned breasts, takes their drink order: Pacey asks for "a couple of beers," and orders a glass of milk for Dawson, and then watches the waitress strut off in the skirt that barely covers her ass. Pacey says it occurs to him, as they sit there, that Dawson's going to get laid this year. Dawson just grins like a moron. Pacey says it's in keeping with Dawson's new attitude: "You met that girl on the bus, didn't you?" Dawson reminds Pacey that he put Bus Girl to sleep by talking about his ex-girlfriend, and that it's thus safe to assume he won't be hearing from her anytime soon. The waitress returns and sets down their drinks. As Pacey takes a sip of his and says, "This is actually root beer," the waitress leans over with her face inches from Dawson's and says, "You don't remember me, do you?" Dawson is evidently totally thrown by the hair colour change and says, "Should I?" He looks closer, and at his eventual expression of shock, she says, "That's right," straightens up, and takes off her wig. Dawson looks enthralled at his implausibly good luck. Bus Girl, I knew Emily Valentine. Emily Valentine was a friend of mine. And you, ma'am, are no Emily Valentine.
Sars: "Not! Line."
Wing Chun: "Not."
Sars: "What is with Dawson's hair?"
Wing Chun: "I nearly had to go soak my head after that 'sheets' remark from Pacey."
Sars: "I really don't know how we're going to do it this year. I'm not joking."
Wing Chun: "You think I think you're joking? I'm watching the same show. Which is back on. I'll call you later."
Pacey and Dawson walk up to the Estrangement Estate after the second day of school. We know it's the second day of school because Pacey is remarking upon Dawson's ability to avoid Joey two days running. He adds that he is starting to question Dawson's commitment to "la vida loca" (at which point I perceived that something in the room was very tired, but after taking a short nap, realized it was not me but that expression) because he didn't put the moves on Bus Girl last night. Dawson reminds Pacey that, first, she was working at the time, and second, Pacey saw Dawson give Bus Girl his phone number, and that it's up to her to use it, and moreover, she won't: "What is the likelihood that a woman with that degree of life experience and sexual liberation is going to regard seriously the interest of someone who hasn't even taken his PSATs?" They both go into the house and see Bus Girl seated rather smugly in an armchair, with her legs thrown over the side. Pacey says that likelihood is at least as great as the chances of her being here in Dawson's living room. Dawson stammers out a few inarticulate phrases which Pacey translates as his asking how she got in. She says she thought she'd surprise Dawson by taking him up on his offer of a date, and that it was hot out, and the door was open, so she let herself in. Dawson concedes that they don't have much call to lock up in Capeside. She purrs, "Hmm. Interesting. What else don't you do?"
Once again, I don't feel like going into the fact that a woman of thirty -- as Bus Girl clearly is -- would have no reason to come on so strong to a high school boy, and at this point the name I'd be most inclined to give her is Amaya.
Pacey takes Dawson into the kitchen and tells him how good Dawson's chances are at getting some, and advises Dawson to take her out in the Flash's boat.
At school, cheerleading tryouts are being held in the school auditorium. A girl in glasses and the very unforgiving ensemble of white sports bra and iridescent blue bike shorts is doing a cheer to the DC theme song but only gets as far as "We don't want to wait / For this game to be over!" before Belinda blasts her with an air horn and tells her she's done. The girl says she didn't get a chance to finish her cheer, which is Belinda's cue to tell her a bunch of shit about, again, how fat she is and that this is the third year she's tried out unsuccessfully for the Minutegirls, and that the only reason they let her try out this time was to see what lame song she'd pick to cheer to. How self-referential. Whatever. Jen is , and as she starts to get up, Jack asks her if she still wants to "do this," and Jen says, "Now more than ever." When she gets on stage, there's a weak remark from Belinda about how "flexible" they all know Jen is, and then Jen launches into her Erica Bogosian routine predicting Belinda's bleak and empty future winding up with an exhortation that the crowd "screw these auditions, screw cheerleading, and screw Belinda McGovern." This causes the whole cheerleading squad to break out in wild applause and hooting and ultimately a standing ovation. Who cares? No one? Thought so.
Joey's boss walks in on her while she changes her shirt in an office at the dock. She yells at him and quickly pulls her shirt back on without buttoning it, because he says he just came in to get a drink and she's clearly waiting for him to go back out again. She is suspicious that he happened to get thirsty right when he knew she was changing. Basically, he takes his sweet time taking his pop, and his ass, out again to allow her to finish changing, and is extremely skeevy throughout the exchange. He says he'll knock time. She says she'll lock the door time. A scene like this normally would sway me to the "sexual harassment/assault" prediction, but since it ends with the peppy piano music of opposites-attract screwball comedy, rather than, say, the knowing electric guitar of inappropriate sexual attention, I don't know how to call it.
Dawson pilots the boat while Bus Girl, with her shirt open, reclines as far as it is possible to do without pitching into the drink, in order to present a perfectly flat stomach to the camera. She tells him he should take off his shirt. First of all, no he shouldn't. And second of all, it's a motor boat; it doesn't need a sail. Third of all, no, he just shouldn't. He demurs, and says he's nervous, for the same reason she's not. She says that she is, and that anything that's worth anything is dangerous or scary. More "risk is sexy" blather follows that's not worth recording. She cozies up to a pole and places her breasts on either side of it. He finally asks her name, where she's from, and why in the name of all that is good and pure she's hanging out with him. She says that he said it himself already, and that she's a figure of his own creation. She gets behind him and puts her arms around his waist, and asks him if he's a virgin. He asks, "What's before 'virgin'?" She says, "Everything but," and I really do not like where this is going. She slides around front and kisses him and he stops after a moment because he can't see. She starts to move down his body and he chuckles nervously, pulling her back up short. He asks her to at least tell him her name. She says he can call her Eve. He says: "Eve. That's a Biblical name." She says: "I'll try to live up to it," and slides back down again. See, because before he said he was having "a religious experience." Get it? It's so cerebral. Dawson makes an excited, surprised face. Fade to white. I reacquaint myself with the elements of my dinner. A moment later, we see that the boat has crashed into the dock (and thus I choose to believe that the crash happened before anything actually happened). Joey comes running out to the crash site, evidently recognizing the boat, and calls, "Are you okay?" Dawson replies, "I think so." She looks relieved. At that moment Eve pops up, laughing, and says, "Crashes are so intense!" Joey's face falls. Dawson too-brightly introduces Joey to Eve. Joey says, "Suddenly, everything becomes clear." Her boss asks if she knows "this moron." Joey replies, "I thought I did," and walks off shaking her head. Dawson glances back at Eve, who, predictably enough, is smirking.
Sars: [quiet sobbing]
Wing Chun: "Dawson didn't get a hummer, right? RIGHT?"
Sars: "I don't know...."
Wing Chun: "I just don't want to live in a world where Dawson got a blow job on his father's boat."
Sars: "Oh, it's back on."
DockDude has a calculator and tells Dawson it'll cost $3000 to repair the damage. It's not clear whether that covers the damage to the boat, or to the dock, or both. Dawson looks out at Eve kicking her legs in the water and says, "I should have gone down with the ship." DockDude, regarding Eve, says, "No argument here." Dawson looks at him suspiciously. "Gone down with the ship," geddit? Dawson walks down to sit beside Eve, who is now leaning back so far that she's practically prone, and who tells him things could have been worse. Dawson mumbles something unintelligible about someone who thought that before going insane and killing himself. Eve reminds him that no one was hurt, and adds, with a somewhat lascivious tone, that he'll never forget this day for as long as he lives. He says that's what he's afraid of. She says more of what she was saying above on the subject of risk and what's sexy. Dawson mutters something about her treacly truisms' making his teeth ache. She perceives that he's mad at her. He sort of chuckles in a passive-aggressive way and says, by way of explanation, that she made him crash his father's boat. She angrily replies that she didn't "make" him do anything. He sighs heavily and muses that he might not be ready for "this friendliness." Eve says, "I have only known you for forty-eight hours, but I think it's safe to say that you have got to stop living from the neck up." First of all, "the neck up" on Dawson is about 73% of his total body mass, so that's kind of inevitable. And second, Eve, once you've known Dawson a bit longer, you'll see that he's just as insufferable, if not more so, when he's living from the neck down. Eve starts to leave, but he gets up and wanly calls, "Don't go." She tells him he'll have to do better than that. He launches into a pretty unconvincing explanation of his behaviour, the gist of which is that the way he's been acting since he met her isn't what he's really like, and that the destruction in his path is evidence of the bad things that happen when he deviates from type. She says that's too bad: "This girl just wants to have fun." Have fun with someone your own age!
A dazed-looking Jen stomps down the hall doing what was once referred to on ER as "the P.I.D. shuffle." Jen, you're not so graceful to begin with, and the cowboy boots aren't doing you any favours. Jack catches up with her and is perplexed at all the people who seem to be wishing her well in the hall. She explains that there was a "coup d'état," and that her speech proved so rousing that not only did she make the cheerleading squad, but they deposed Belinda and made her head cheerleader instead. Maybe I'm an idiot, but since the thesis of Jen's speech was "Screw Cheerleading," why can't she just screw cheerleading? On the other hand, I still don't care, except that this plotline is so random that I'm a little mystified it ever made it through a story meeting.
Bessie and Joey fold sheets. Joey has evidently just told Bessie the story of Eve, because she admits that she lied about the first day of school, and adds that Dawson has been dodging her since they returned to class. Bessie remarks that between avoiding Joey and "crashing Mitch's pride and joy," it's like one Dawson left for Philadelphia and another one came back. Joey says, "Yeah -- his evil twin." Joey says that she just wishes Dawson had told her about Eve, so that she wouldn't feel like such a fool: "One look and I knew. I mean, she's everything I'm not. She's wild, and confident. Blonde." Bessie says she remembers another time when there was a blonde in the picture, and Joey perks up and says, "And look how well that turned out." Joey says it's different now. Bessie agrees that it is. Joey looks down reflectively.
Dawson up-ends couch cushions in search of loose change and finds, in addition to a few cents, a pair of sunglasses he'd lost. Pacey tells him that unless he's planning to find a Rolex in the couch, there's not much point to this exercise. Dawson says that he only has $42, and that even if he sells his DVD player, he'll still be close to $2000 short. The doorbell rings. It's Eve. She told Dawson's story at "the club" and took up a collection for him; there's around $400 there. Pacey starts to take it, but Dawson says he can't because it's her money and his problem. They argue for a minute. Pacey puts on the found sunglasses. The "Old Time Rock and Roll" riff plays with the notes in ascending order instead of descending. Essentially, the homage to Risky Business is that Pacey suggests they have a party at Dawson's house, charge $20 a head, and ask the strippers at the club to dance in order to help raise money for Dawson. Eve seems to think this is a good idea.
That night, the lawn of Estrangement Estates is lousy with horny high school boys. Pacey, along with some big beefy guy, works the door. Dawson stumbles through the party looking disoriented. Eve counts money and says that at this rate they'll have something left over for Jerry's kids. Dawson says he's going to go lie down.
In his room, he flops down on the bed. Joey's sitting at his desk, and remarks, "Rager downstairs, huh?" apparently unaware of the exact nature of the event. Dawson says something uncommittal. She says she's probably the last person he wants to see. He says she's a lot of things, but she's never the last person he wants to see. She walks over to the bed and says she's sorry, not just about today, but about everything. He doesn't look at her while she pours her heart out, and says, "You should have called me, Joey."
Okay, I swear this happened. It was raining the night the show aired and for a second the power failed, just long enough to turn off the cable converter box. So what I have on the tape after that line is a moment of static, followed by the converter box turning onto the default channel, which was TVO (Ontario's public television station), broadcasting an image of a chimpanzee pounding on a rock.
After that all-too-brief respite, Joey is winding up something about "ashamed." ["You didn't miss anything; I think she just said she knows she should have, but she couldn't, or something, and by the way, Dawson? They have phones in Philly. I'm just sayin'. Little prick." --Sars] She says she'd figured that she'd just ignore life for a while, but that you can't do that forever. Dawson agrees that you can't. Joey asks, "Who is she?" Dawson says, "Eve? I just met her." Joey says, "Are you two...?" Dawson laughs weakly and says, "Hardly." Okay, is that a semantic dodge like "Everything but a virgin?" I don't want to think about it. Joey visibly screws up her courage to ask, "Did you miss me?" Dawson says she knows he did. She says, "Good, 'cause I missed you too," and gets up to stand before him. Dawson says that things aren't the same. As she strokes his face, she says it doesn't have to be the same: "It's a new year. Things can be different. And they can be better." She is breathing very, very loudly at this point, possibly because Katie Holmes is trying to convey nervousness through hyperventilation. Joey stares at Dawson a moment longer and takes off her shirt. They stare at each other some more. Aw, geez.
After the commercial, they stare some more. Joey drops her shirt on the floor and leans in to kiss Dawson. At the last second, he tells her to stop. She asks what's wrong. He says this isn't her. She whispers, "I can be sexual, Dawson." Residents of Toronto are startled by the sound of thousands of car alarms going off, triggered by the sound of a loud, anguished scream in Little Italy. Also, while Joey says she can be sexual, the closed caption reads, "I can't be sexual, Dawson." The hearing-impaired just got a whole different spin! Dawson says he knows Joey can be sexual, but that this isn't right, and he actually hands her her shirt to hurry her out of there. She turns her back (which evinces really appalling posture, it must be said) on him and mutters, "Go to hell." He pipes up with, "I'm sorry if you're hurt." Uh, Dawson? Considering that the last guy who rebuffed her sexual advances told her he was gay about two weeks later, you might be a little sensitive to the fact that she would have some issues about her sexual appeal. Joey spits, "'Hurt'? Why would I be hurt, Dawson? I mean, I hope you're not delusional enough to think this is some embarassing attempt at getting you back. Besides, sex is all you're about these days." Dawson decides to take the stern-dad response and tell her he's not all about sex and she should know that better than anyone else. She says he shouldn't blame her for his lack of sexual experience: "I never stopped you from being with anybody else." He says, "That was particularly clear when you dumped me twice." Joey says he's had plenty of opportunities to have sex (of the solo variety, maybe), and that it's not her fault he's still a virgin. Dawson says that whatever happened or didn't happen between them did or didn't because they both wanted it that way. This stops Joey cold, and she crumbles, asking, "What's so wrong with me?" He says, "It's not you. It's us. I can't go through it all again." Word. "And you're saying it'll be different, but it won't be." Joey tremulously says, "You don't know that." He says he does know it, and so does she: "One more year like last year, and I can promise you there will be no love left between us." Promise me, too! She asks, "Is there any left now?" He says there is. She says, "So you love me. You just don't want me." She sobs once, and walks out the window. Dawson, for once, doesn't run his hands through his hair.
Dawson goes out in the hall and watches the party for a minute. Pacey stops the music to announce that they've raised over $3000, so it's time to open the party to the public. For some reason, Jen and Jack are there, but are only in the crowd scene. Anyway, people flood in. Eve takes Dawson by the hand and walks him outside. He tells her he should probably stay to make sure nobody burns the house down. She asks him why he'd do that. He says, "Pretty much to avoid wondering if I'm going to sleep with you." Yeah, I've been trying to avoid wondering if he's going to sleep with her too. But the question haunts me. She smirks, and tell him that soon all will be revealed. He tells her to go ahead and goes back in the house to grab Pacey. He tells Pacey Joey wants him back, and that Eve's waiting in the wings. Pacey says that it always comes down to this: "The Madonna, or the Jezebel?" Dawson now does run both hands through his hair, and tells Pacey he should have seen Joey's face: "She was standing before me as innocent and as beautiful as she's ever been, and I wanted her just as much as I ever have, but I don't know -- as large a part of me wanted her, there's a part of me just as large that knows that now is not the right time for us." I think we all know which large part wanted her (below the neck, for those a little slow on the draw), and which equally large -- or even several hundred times larger -- part knew it wasn't right. Anyway. Dawson concludes by asking Pacey to watch out for Joey for the couple of days. Pacey whines a little. Dawson says that she's too proud to admit that she needs someone, but she does, and Pacey would be looking out for her as a favour to Dawson. Okay, seriously -- is Dawson Joey's dad? That's a bit creepy. Pacey finally agrees, even though there are strippers all over Dawson's house.
Dawson walks down the dock where Eve is standing in what she says is her boss's boat. She offers to take him for a ride. Ew. Dawson says he'd been hoping they'd graduated from the open ocean to dry land. Is the creek "ocean"? Just asking. Eve says, "If at first you don't succeed..." leaving me no option but to decide that she only speaks in clichés and aphorisms. Then an authoritative voice yells Dawson's name. D'oh! It's the Flash, back early from his Conference of Contrivance. Dawson covers his face. Eve tells him that he's "one step away from the rest of [his] life" (see?) and tells him to get in. He laughs nervously and tells her that having crashed his dad's boat, and wrecked his house, he can't disappear. She tells him that he can't do anything about either of those things tonight, and asks what can change in a night. He says, "Me." She gets in the boat and, SURPRISE, leans way back to stretch out her stomach, and says, "Last chance." He says he can't. She laughs and says she doesn't know who's the biggest mystery -- herself, or him. Actually, they're both pretty open books to me: a self-involved blowhard and an undiscriminating chippy. Am I wrong?
Joey cries on her dock. Pacey appears in Dawson's boat and tells her he got in and it took him to her dock of its own volition. Because it's Dawson's boat. And Dawson likes her so much that even the boat knows. Geddit? She tries to warn him off with threats of murder, which he ignores, hopping up beside her. She pauses a moment, and then says, "He told you what happened, didn't he?" Pacey doesn't answer until she repeats the question, at which point he mutters, "Well, what do you think?" Okay, in those two lines of dialogue, Katie Holmes and Joshua Jackson had more chemistry than she and the Beek have ever had, and I am not joking. Anyway, Joey says she thinks she hates them both. Pacey says he's really going to hate him when he tells her what he has to say -- that Dawson was right, and that the two of them need to be apart right now. Joey asks how Pacey would know what she needs. Pacey chuckles ruefully like the man of the world that he is...not, and says words to the effect of, she's right, how would he know how hard it is to have to give up someone you love, only he says it in nine different ways and talks for about twenty minutes, like, yeah, you had to do that with Andie, it's parallel, WE GET IT. She cries some more and says, "Of all the people to see me like this, it had to be you." Pacey says that, it's a new year, and they might even become friends. She pouts, "I'm upset enough as it is." He puts her arm around her. She continues to cry. That was actually a nice scene.