Dark Angel S02E01

Ahhh, this takes me back. Remember the good old days when all you needed was ironic detachment and a couple of WB-ish looking stars to sell your movie? You owe the world much, Kevin Williamson. Anyway, here we go. Idle Hands. Its kinda like Scream, except that it really really sucks.

Hey, look, it's Annette Bening! Oh, no, it's the Columbia logo. Some veddy scary music plays over Seven rip-off credits. As hands and faces wallow in some kind of industrial lubricant, we are informed that this film stars Devon "Yo Slim, You Aint Returned My Calls" Sawa, Seth "Benedict Arnold" Green, Elden "Look, I Realize You Didn't See The Mighty, But It Really Was Pretty Good" Henson, Jessica "Golden Globe Nominee" Alba, and Fred "Christopher Guest, Take Me Away" Willard. Somehow, Jack "My Career Was Dead At 21" Noseworthy weaseled a "With" credit out of these people, and Vivica A. "The 'A' Stands For 'Aaaaiiiiee'" Fox gets an "And." So the movie's kinda set a level for you right there. This was also directed by a man who claims to be named Rodman Flender. Just goes to show that even a man on the run from the law can have a career in Hollywood. Actually, I checked up on this guy; he's the director of Leprechaun 2, but he's since redeemed himself by directing Gilmore Girls, so he's cool.

The credits end, and we're shown an evil-looking jack-o-lantern. Big with the scary. We pan up to a Brady Bunch-looking house whose front lawn is crammed with plastic crap, including fake birds and reindeer. Because of, you know, the legend of the Halloween reindeer, who...uh...who rode through the town one night and...did...stuff. The porch is festooned with candy-corn-pumpkin-ghost lights, which I, uh, kinda want now. Two dummies with jack-o-lanterns for heads stand just inside the picture window. Lit jack-o-lanterns, by the way. Who the hell leaves lit jack-o-lanterns inside their house?

Close-up of a woman who could be Mary Kay Place. "Did you blow out the candles downstairs?" Oh. Never mind. "Yeah," says Fred Willard as he gets into bed. Dear God, these people have the ugliest wallpaper ever. It's orange, and it has...well, okay, they might be mice dancing around an apple core, they might be skulls. Hard to say, really. Mary Kay Fake shows Fred her plans for Thanksgiving decorations, and Fred grumbles. They kiss good night, turn out the light and settle back in bed. Then MKF screams her head off; someone has written IM UNDER THE BED on the ceiling in glow-in-the dark letters. MKF urges Fred to take a look under the bed; nothing there. "Just a prank, that's all. Anton." We're shown a bedside picture of Anton, Devon Sawa, scrunching up his face as his mom gives him a kiss. "Our little Scooter would never do something like that!" Fred complains about Anton and what a lazy slob he is. He's interrupted by the sound of glass breaking downstairs. Maybe it's the dog. Maybe it's the cat. Maybe your son's hand has been possessed by the devil and is waiting down there to murder you. Oh, did I just give it away?

MKF prods Fred out of bed to his certain doom -- I mean, to go check on the noise. You know, I just realized. This is kind of like the beginning of Scream. Except that instead of special guest star Drew Barrymore meeting her frightful demise, it's Fred Willard. Which probably explains why Scream is a trifle more popular than this film. MKF gets steadily more paranoid as she hears thumping all over the house. She reaches into her nightstand and pulls out a half-finished sweater and some knitting needles, just in time for a Bullshit Scare (tm me); the cat jumps on the bed and yowls at her. MKF lets her guard down and picks up the cat. The cat grins evilly to itself, as its plan to rule the household is working perfectly. From downstairs, Fred grunts in pain. MKF gets out of bed, cat in her arms, and goes to be horribly murdered. She reaches the attic, drops the cat, and whispers for Anton. No response. She heads downstairs, and...Bullshit Scare #2. Except...not. Because nothing happens. We just smash cut to the jack-o-mannequins and get a loud chord for our trouble. I think something has to be moving for it to be a Bullshit Scare. MKF blows out the candles, putting her hands on the jack-o-dummies to do so...then notices her hands are covered in blood. She screams and runs upstairs, calling for Anton. No response again. MKF runs for her room and grabs the phone. Moving as slowly as possible she dials 9...then 1...and then something under the bed grabs the phone away from her. She gets down on the ground to hit the last "1"; an arm shoots out from below the bed and drags her, screaming, beneath. Loud squish. Apparently this killer uses the sledge-o-matic or something, because a huge spray of blood shoots out from under the bed about a millisecond after MKF disappears. The bed shakes up and down. In an echoey voice, the operator says, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and dial again." Wow. Pretty ironic, huh? The camera pans up to show I'M UNDER THE BED again. See? He really was under the bed. Truth in advertising.

The morning. A happy song that I can't remember the name of plays. It's that one that goes "Hoo HOOOOOOO." No, not "Sympathy for the Devil." ["I think it's 'Song 2' by Blur." -- Sars] We're in the attic. Anton is awakened by the cat; he puts on his headphones and trudges downstairs. The cat follows and licks one of the bloody stains on the floor, which Anton passes by, oblivious. In the kitchen, there's no milk, no dog food, no mom to go buy more stuff. Anton plops on the couch, lights some incense, scratches himself with a backscratcher, and turns on the TV. Luckily, he's got it tuned to Plot Convenience News. "Murder in Bolan -- a special report! Four bodies have been discovered to date and the killer is still at large!" Wow, so this is what it's like to recap with closed-captioning. I like it. As the news report plays, Anton opens up the inhaler around his neck, revealing a pot pipe. Pretty sneaky, sis. (I think it's called a pot pipe. I'm not sure. My roommate used to just call it a pipe. I'm just trying to get across that Anton is partaking of the chronic here, all right?) He takes a deep hit and changes the channel. Then he takes another hit. And another hit. And another hit. And then there is no more cheeba. Anton gets on the phone with one of his buddies. "I'm dry," he says. "So?" "So why don't you bring me over a dimer?" "This ain't Domino's, you lazy bitch. Come on over here and get it." Well, thats an odd product placement. Wonder how much Domino's paid for that. "Come on, man, I'm comfortable," Anton whines. Hang-up. Anton must brave the outside world.

Back home, Anton is pushing a shopping cart full of food through a back alley full of smoke. Somebody owes Ridley Scott money. Anton stops and looks around. Nothing there. Sniff sniff. I think I detect the rich stench of a Bullshit Scare. Out of nowhere, Anton is pushed to the ground. "Don't move! Roll over! Roll over!" And tell Tchaikovsky the news! The smoke clears; it's two cops, one of whom is a Hey Its That Guy! I think hes the guy from that Aaron Burr milk commercial. The cops harass Anton a bit. "Hey, I know you guys! You guys were seniors when I was a freshman!" See, kids, this is why it's a good idea to move away from home. You don't want to end up someplace where the people who harassed you in high school have power over your life. "You and all your stoner friends, zippin' around on your skateboards..." These kids today, with their skateboards and the MTV and the bad horror films. "Did you ever, even once, invite us to get high behind the gym?" Anton shrugs. "You were dorks." The cops pull Anton to his feet and slam him against a wall. "Either of you guys holding?" Yeah, Anton, they're holding their nightsticks, and they're probably in the mood to use 'em. "Look, I'm desperate. I know you guys can get in the evidence room and --" The cops have had enough. They pat Anton down; Ossifer HITG! grabs the inhaler. "Nah, stupid," his partner says. "That's an asthma inhaler. Don't you know anything?" Seriously. Doy. They order him to empty his pockets. They come up with a dollar -- "George found a new home!" says Ossifer HITG!, stuffing it in his pocket -- and a plastic bag chock full of nothing, but smelling of bud. "Hey, I know my rights. You can't charge me with possession of a baggie!" The cops drop the bag to the ground and cite him for littering. "Maximum fine -- two hundred dollars!" This is the least effective corrupt-cop shakedown I've ever seen.

Theres a shot of the citation lying on the ground. Then Rodman gets all Alan Moore on my ass and fades to inside the house, where the citation is lying on a glass table in the same position. Anton uses it to roll himself a nutmeg-and-oregano doobie. Some kind of messed-up porny music video with midgets is playing on the TV. No, seriously. Mysterious creaking noise from somewhere in the house. Anton mutes the TV and looks around. Nothin'. Anton sparks his concoction and takes a hit. Seconds later, he's wheezing in pain. Dude, I could have told you that. Now what you want to do is take some coffee grounds and banana peels and -- uh, never mind. Anton washes out his mouth with soap and decides to make a sandwich. Nail-biting sandwich-making action! Will the suspense never end? He's still watching the porn thing, so he doesn't notice that he's spreading his mayonnaise with a blood-stained knife. I shudder. Ewww...mayonnaise. Anton takes a bite of his baloney and blood sandwich and finally notices the knife. He spits out the mouthful. "Oh, shit, the killer's here! The killer's in my house!" Anton notices the cat, playing with something on the floor...oh, dude, it's an eyeball! Man, the cat's never had it so good. "Ah ha ha ha! Finally, a smorgasbord of human flesh! My kitty dreams have finally come true! Now, if only I had thumbs..." Anton hugs the dog for support. Then he pushes the dog out into the hallway, using him as a canine shield. Well, that's a little harsh. I mean, the dog hasn't been feasting upon your parents' blood. "Everything's gonna be fine," Anton whispers as he grabs an umbrella to use as a weapon. I am reminded of how much I'd rather be watching The Avengers. And I mean the movie. With Uma Thurman. And Sean Connery looking all half-dead and shit. At least that movie has Eddie Izzard. Any. Way. Anton looks around and backs toward the front door. Bullshit Scare #4! It's a Seth Green-shaped silhouette on the door! Anton runs upstairs, dives onto his parents' bed, and pulls one of the sheets over himself. He frantically orders Duke the dog onto the bed with him, whipping the sheet over them both. To hide. Which is funny. Oh, sorry. I meant "funny." Anton gropes for the phone and accidentally triggers the clock radio alarm instead; he scrambles to turn it off, turns over, and sees the message on the ceiling, which I now notice reads IM UNDER THE BED. No apostrophe. Sars ain't gonna like that shit. That is, Sars is not going to like that shit. Anton freaks and runs downstairs; he trips over the umbrella and sprawls into the pumpkinhead dummies. They fall to the ground. The pumpkins shatter. It's Anton's parents, their faces twisted into painful grimaces, almost as though theyd been watching this film. He falls between them. "Mom? Dad?" Anton gets to his feet, runs outside, and pukes. Well, okay, that's a reasonable reaction. He wipes his mouth and looks back into the house, suddenly looking all Eminem-like. (Or all Stan-like, who was trying to look all Eminem-like. And thank you, Devon Sawa, for making me reference fucking Eminem in this recap.) Bullshit Scare Numero Five-O as Mick and Pnub appear from behind him. "Whatsamatter, chief? Bad shrooms?" I was going to insert a West Wing joke here, but dude, did you see "Two Cathedrals?" Wow. Anton pushes them into the house.

In the living room, Pnub's toking as Mick screams. He looks up; Mick, in the doorway, has the beer bottle imbedded in his skull. He falls forward, dead. That's what you get for cheating on Willow, Fuqua. 'Scuse me while I repeat to myself that it's just a show, and I should really just relax. (See what I did there?) Anton, freaked, tries to revive Mick, but Mick's more than a little dead. Pnub backs away. "Pnub, buddy, I didn't do it," says Anton, covered in blood. "Okay, I did, but it was an accident! I can't believe you told me to smoke that shit!" If only he'd listened to McGruff the Crime Dog. Pnub tries to make it for the front door, but Anton -- or rather, Anton's hand -- prevents him. The chase is on, with Anton's hand propelling him forward. I think I can hear Steve Martin calling his lawyer right now. Pnub heads into the basement and locks the door; Anton's hand smashes through the door and unlocks it. He tries to prevent himself from being dragged down into the basement. "I don't want to hurt you!" "Then don't!" Pnub screams. Anton grabs a screwdriver and tries to stab Pnub. "It's like I have no control over my hand!" Insert the puberty joke that the movie so desperately wants me to make here. Anton manages to restrain his hand, giving Pnub time to get up the stairs. But before he can escape, Anton's hand grabs a circular sawblade and hurls it Xena-style. There is a wet sound from above. Pnub stops. A red line appears around his neck in what I gotta admit is a pretty cool effect, and his head and body fall back down the stairs. Pnub's head lands at Anton's feet and has enough time to say "cool" before it dies. Anton screams. I'm bored.

Anton walks around the house, dazed. He thunks himself into a support post. On the couch, he starts crying as his evil hand twitches. The evil hand grabs the remote and turns on the TV. Anton grabs it back, and there's a struggle for the remote. The channels change. There sure are a lot of hand-related things on TV tonight. The traitorous cat jumps on the couch and starts batting at the evil hand. "Get outta here, Bones!" Anton yells. "Bones"? Huh. Maybe he's a Trekkie in addition to being a stoner. The name fits either way. Anyhoo, Bones keeps messing with the hand. "At last, my dark master, you have come to your full power! How may I serve thee, that the streets may flow with blood?" "Git!" Anton screams. Seriously. It actually says "Git!" on the subtitles. Anton grabs the remote back and laughs at the evil hand. "So, my feline minion, you wish to serve me? Serve me thusly." The evil hand grabs Bones by the tail and whips him around Anton's head a few times. Then he lets go, and Bones goes flying through the (open) window and all the way across the street, landing with a thud in the bushes. Wow. Nice air time. My personal best is twenty feet, and that was with a much smaller cat. (OW! I was kidding! Dont hit! Id never hurt a cat. My friend Em would hunt me down and skin me alive.)

Outside, Anton is hustling Molly back to her house, feeding her a line about how he can't go to the dance just yet. "Is something wrong?" Molly asks. What, you mean aside from the fact that you apparently had some kind of frontal lobotomy? "You need to go there, you need to go now, and you can't stop for anything until you're inside with everyone else," Anton replies. "Look, I'm no good at being noble, but I do know that the problems of two complete fucking idiots don't add up to a hill of beans in this crazy --" Nah, I can't. I totally pulled that second part out of my ass. "You wouldn't stand me up, would you?" she says, tilting her head to the side and making with the big puppy dog eyes. "Not a chance, babysnakes." Baby...snakes? Babysnakes? I...babysnakes? No, no, that way lies madness. Quick kiss, then Molly's off while Anton heads back to the house.

Inside, Pnub's eating a burrito. Cool song in the background. Pnub chews for a bit, then...oh, dude. Black bean paste starts seeping out of his neck hole. "Oh, ew! That's disgusting!" Pnub -- oh, no -- sticks his finger into the ooze and has a taste. Mick rummages around the kitchen and comes up with a roll of duct tape. He wraps it around Pnub's neck and goes to get himself a burrito. "NO! Don't open it!" Anton freaks when he sees that the Hand is gone. "Well, we...we brought you a first aid kit..." Anton searches around. "Where did it go?" "What, you mean the Hand?" Heh. "Of course I mean the Hand!" Anton snots back. "Try looking up your ass!" Brilliant, Pnub. You buckin for a seat at the Algonquin Round Table with that shit? (Hi. I'm a hypocrite.) Outside, the Hand trundles down the road.

Suddenly, we're in a bowling alley. Hey, maybe this'll become an episode of Ed. Better yet, maybe the Evil Hand will strangle Phil. Randy throws a gutterball and looks around, bereft. He sees Debi the Hand Slayer walking in. She looks at the patrons' hands. "Hey, foxy, you lookin' for a ball?" Randy asks. "'Cause I could help you find one that's the right size for you." Excuse me. I'm going to go bathe in vinegar. "What the hell," Debi replies. "Try and keep up." Randy somehow tears his eyes away from Debi's ass long enough to notice that his two friends, a guy and a girl, are still there. "Don't you guys have a dance to go to?" They go off to do their costumes. And be torn to shreds. Randy goes to share a beer with Debi, doing his whole fake-ass sensitive-guy schtick. Debi finally tells her story: "I come from a long line of Druidic priestesses sworn to fight a certain evil force that possesses the laziest fuck-up it can find. It will kill as many people as possible and then drag a free soul into the netherworld." Randy blinks. "That's some weighty shit there." Debi's exposition will not be denied: "Here's the kicker. I actually have the one thing that can stop this from happening. I just need to find the poor bastard whose hand is possessed." Well, golly, that sounds like that kid Anton Randy was talking to earlier! Debi grabs Randy by the shirt when she hears this. "Ease off there, kitten. I'm tellin' the truth." They go in search of the Antonator. Man. I'm guessin' the "A" in "Vivica A. Fox" doesn't stand for "Academy Award winner." Or "actor," for that matter.

In the vent, Tanya is saying, "Come out to the dance, we'll get together, have a few --" Oh, wait, no she's not. She's gushing about Pnub. Molly orders her to go faster, then stops. They hear the Hand skittering after them. They both crawl forward and come across a huge exhaust fan. Tanya freaks. "What about the blade? We can't go through it! We'll be pulverized!" Molly takes Tanya's shoe and uses it as a block to stop the fan. It pulses against the shoe as Molly kicks at the grate. She grabs the tail to Tanya's devil costume and ties it to the support as Tanya continues to lose it: "We're gonna die in this vent and the rats are gonna eat us and nobody's ever gonna find us!" Awww. Im sad for Tanya. Molly lowers herself down.

Behind them in the vent, Mick and Pnub are coming to the rescue. Sort of. "This would be a lot more comfortable if your ass wasn't so wide!" Just kiss him, Mick. Pnub doesn't care about helping Anton: "The best thing about being dead is zero responsibility." Actually, the best thing about being dead is that movies like this aren't allowed in the Elysian Fields. They hear Tanya freaking. "That's Tanya! Let's save her! Hurry up! She needs me!" Mick gets his head-bottle caught in the ventworks. "Okay, this sucks." Yeah, I was just thinking that. Pnub pulls him loose, and off we go.

Molly, in the hallway, encourages Tanya to lower herself down. Tanya is completely hysterical by this point, as would anyone be. As she looks behind her to check for the Hand, the rope is pulled up. The Hand whips it around Tanya's neck and pushes her through the fan. We get a good thirty seconds of Tanya dangling by her neck and struggling before the Hand moves the shoe out of the way. The rope wraps around the fans shaft. Tanya is hauled up to be diced. You may now suck my ass, movie. Molly runs off, presumably to destroy more innocent lives. She ducks into the Art Room, which is conveniently labeled. When she steps inside, a glass something drops on her head, and she passes out.

In the vent, Mick and Pnub come across what's left of Tanya. Ha ha! See? She's dead! It's funny! Dead people are funny! Ha! Ha ha! She died in terror and misery! It's hilarious!

Anton walks into the Art Room and finds the remains of the glass projectile. He looks around; as he does, a really creepy Cesare the Somnambulist puppet turns around and glares at him. The Hand's hiding in a puppet theatre! Wow, this movie's combining two of my favorite things, puppets and evil hands! Anton fights with puppets. Full-contact puppet fighting. Finally, the Hand crawls into what sure as hell looks like a Pointy-Haired Boss puppet and attacks Anton. They fight and fight and fight and fight and fight. Anton is about to crush the hand with a giant ashtray when Mick and Pnub crash through the vent on top of him. Ha. Ha. Anton and Pnub bitch at each other for a minute. Then Molly screams.