Dear Writers: Thank you so much for assuming a modicum of intelligence on the part of your audience and not reenacting the abbreviated plot before each and every FREAKING EPISODE. Sincerely, Your Viewers.
Original Cindy is in the kitchen having a facial. A Japanese facial. Okay, no, no, she's a lesbian; it's just a regular facial. Max walks in and freaks out. I guess she's never seen anyone green in the face. Which means she's never been to my house when I'm watching this show. OC explains the ins and outs of female beauty rites and rituals. And not that I miss her, but where the hell did Kendra go? Were Max and OC so grossed out by her affinity for Walter the Skeevy Cop that they wouldn't talk to her anymore? And wouldn't Max have been introduced to just a few of these feminine routines while living with the uber-femme Kendra? Kendra never got manicures? Or facials? Or a shampoo? 'Cause Max obviously learned nothing about stuff as mundane and universal as hair-washing. Anyway, OC starts telling Max that her complexion is dull, blotchy, and drab. Which sounds like a critique of her acting, if you ask me. She starts to whip up a milk, egg, and Vitamin A facial for Max, but Max picks up the milk carton, drops her jaw, and runs out the door. Proving once again that the girl has no manners.
A young father is getting his son ready for school. He puts on the little boy's shoes and packs his lunchbox, and then the phone rings. It's Max. Seems that the missing girl on the back of the milk carton is Tinga, Max's Manticore campmate. Max tells Tinga's husband that he has to call off the search for his wife because she's not missing, she's in hiding, and his milk-carton campaign is leading "bad men" right to him. It is quickly apparent that Tinga's husband has no idea about her past. In fact, he has no idea that her name is Tinga; he knows her as Penny. Max tries to boss him around, telling him to take his kid and leave town. He gets annoyed at the anonymous harangue and hangs up on Max. As he heads back to get his son ready for school, he notices that his son has put together a jigsaw puzzle. Which in the rapid-fire jumping-to-conclusions vernacular of television dramas means that the child is a genius. A conclusion proven when the child, Casey, is taken out of his class to have some one-on-one talented-and-gifted tutoring. And the tutor? It's Lydecker, of course, and he's wearing his glasses so he looks smart, and he's carrying lollipops so he looks like a pervert.
Captain EO, a.k.a. Logan Cale, is working with Sebastian to repair Photographer Man's electric leg. That's a weird little sentence, eh? As Sebastian talks him through it, the leg shorts out. Sebastian suggests that he either requisition a new part from the Department of Defense (geek humor) or improvise with a part from a robotic arm. The Captain doesn't like the price, which is a surprise to Sebastian. The Captain brushes off the financial question, but decides the leg's probably not worth it anyway. Sebastian points out that if he has a chance to walk again, it IS worth it. I mean, really, Logan -- pick your audience. You'd think a paraplegic would be a little sensitive to the plight of a quadriplegic. But of course this is Logan, Captain Narcissist. I am so over my crush. As Max barrels into the room, the Captain hangs up on Sebastian and quickly covers the electric leg. Max informs him that she's an aunt. That Tinga has a family down in Portland and she has to go help them. The Captain makes a half-assed attempt to dissuade her from the adventure, since Lydecker would obviously be all over this lead like butter on toast. She ignores his advice and heads down to P-town.
It's funny how Portland looks so much like Seattle, which looks so much like Vancouver.
Max is on a roof in the faux Portland, scoping out the scene. She cat-eyes a few men staking out Tinga's husband's apartment. I wish they would say what Tinga's husband's name is, because I am really sick of typing out "Tinga's husband" over and over again. As she makes a plan, she spots a shadow and heads over to investigate. She gets jumped by a soldier with a knife and, after some actiony action, it turns out, of course, to be Tinga. They hug. They chirp. They're happy to see each other. They work together to get Tinga's husband and kid out. Tinga pulls out a big old gun and shoots Max. A look. She shoots Max a look when she says she doesn't carry a gun. Max points out that it would be easier if they had a third person. Tinga says that she ditched Zack up in Canada after he told her she was crazy to go back. Which in the rapid-fire jumping-to-conclusions vernacular of television dramas means that Zack is sure to be in this episode.
Lydecker is working in his government office when Nana Visitor stops in to get the scoop on the latest lead on X5 756 (read: Tinga). She's heard there's a husband and a child, and she wants to know whether the child is of interest to them. Lydecker says that the child is a genius. So am I, but he forgot to mention it. We recappers get no respect. Nana Visitor tells Lydecker to keep her updated, and to get her that child. You know, Nana Visitor has managed to acquire the nefarious laugh, pernicious mindset, and downright mean-spiritedness of a financial-aid officer. She's evil.
Back in "Portland," Max and Tinga continue to stake out her husband and son in order to grab them and run. They decide that there are too many undercover operatives and not enough cover to grab them now. They are making plans to do it that evening when they spot Lydecker talking to Casey and Charlie. Charlie! That's the husband's name! Fucking finally. Casey is introducing his new teacher, Donald, to his dad. Tinga damn near has a heart attack at the sight of it. Can't really blame her, though, can you?
Inside the school, Donald is proving that the kid's a candidate for Camp Manticore. He memorizes numbers, he recognizes geometric shapes, he rides a motorcycle really fast. Lydecker gives him a lollipop and tells him that he can play with his monkey bar . Uh, what? Oh, he can play on the monkey bars . And if he comes with him to his house, he and his mommy can play on the monkey bars for eternity. Does that mean he's going to kill him? Oh, probably not.
Max and Tinga continue to plan the kidnapping of Casey and Charlie. It sure took them a long time to map it all out. But what do I know about being a soldier? I haven't even seen Boot Camp. Tinga is concerned about the amount of manpower out there. Max reassures her that they "are a lot of girl power." Ugh. What a stupid thing to say. And Max? Wash your hair. Tinga continues to be concerned about her son and husband, so Max promises her that they'll be safe. Then she suggests that they paint each other's nails, have a pillow fight, talk about boys and how hard it is to tell boys that you're a genetically engineered super-soldier, in order to kill time. Seems that Tinga told her husband about her Manticore past, but he didn't believe her and she didn't press it. At this, Tinga drops to her knees and prays to the writers that if they deign to save her husband and son, she'll spill the beans to her husband tonight. The indifferent and capricious writers think about it. Max points out that once she and Tinga bust into the apartment and take out a whole slough of men with guns without breaking a nail, her husband will probably realize there's something special about her. They giggle, and Max makes a cootie catcher, and then they watch Sixteen Candles.
Lydecker is back at work. Is the office in Portland, or does he fly back and forth every day? Heck of a commute. Anyway, his underling plays him a taped phone conversation. Seems Charlie called his sister and said he was thinking about coming to visit her in Phoenix. Lydecker thinks there's been a tip-off and orders his men to take the kid tonight. Which doesn't really make any sense, because they could just grab them in Phoenix. But whatever. You know, sooner or later I'm going to learn my lesson and quit asking questions.
Max and Tinga put their plan into action. Their plan involves walking across a tightrope onto the building. There's a lesson for you: Always throw in a tightrope walk when you're in a hurry. As they alight on the roof of the apartment building, they hear the sound of soldiers. Which, by the way, is not at all like the sound of silence. Max cat-eyes that it's Brinn ordering the men around. Tinga, who has a knack for pointing out the obvious, says that Brinn is working for them now. Um, Tinga? Duh. The girls bust a move into the apartment building and start a fake fire to fake out the residents and confuse the bad guys. Haven't we seen this before? Oh yeah, in every freaking spy/action/thriller movie ever. They charge into Tinga's apartment, guns blazing. Charlie is fixing the hood on Casey's coat while the apartment fills with smoke and the fire alarm blares. Um, Charlie? When the apartment's on fire it's time to, you know, LEAVE. You can primp later. Anyhoo, Tinga rushes to her husband and child, and Max barks at them to get going. Tinga kisses them both and runs and punches a hole in the wall where she has hidden a gun. Her husband's starting to get a clue that his wife isn't like everybody else. She promises to explain later, and Max herds them all out into the hall. Where they immediately get shot at. There's some shooting, and more shooting, and it looks like the girls are cornered, but then Zack busts through the window and saves them. Because girl power only goes so far, in case you were wondering.
I really hate Zack. He's such a big oaf. And I know he's supposed to be the big-brother protector of the group, but he really sucks. If y'all disagree, you can discuss it in the forums.
Max, Charlie, Casey, Zack, and Tinga head to the roof to make their escape. Max stays to oversee the departure and then heads back to her handy-dandy tightrope. Brinn, who embarks on her mission to clean the roof with Max's ass, intercepts her. She does a damn good job, too. But even with all the Manticore brainwashing, Brinn realizes that she owes one to Max for saving her life. She knocks Max to the ground one last time and tells her to leave. She's not the mission, but the time they run into each other, Brinn is "bringing Max home." Max makes like a tree and leaves.
Through the magic of television, the whole gang is reunited in Logan's penthouse in Seattle. Maybe the Pulse brought Portland and Seattle closer together? 'Cause currently it's a two-and-a-half-hour drive. Okay, okay, I'll stop the questions. The little family reunion is taking place while Max, Zack, and the Captain all sit and watch. Kind of creepy, kids. The Captain says that you can't blame Charlie for being upset about his recent discovery of his wife's past. Then he makes some other vague comments about the risks and responsibilities of being involved with an X5. Max looks like she's taking it personally. Zack gives his usual rigmarole about how Tinga's family will just slow her down and end up with all of them captured by Lydecker. Zack, you're a broken record -- shut. Up. Max calls him a real "family-values kind of guy," and Zack looks annoyed and stomps off. Creep.
Max and Tinga take Casey into the living room to sleep. What? No guest room? Some penthouse. As Tinga lays him down, she starts to tell him the story about the princess who escaped from the castle and met her prince and fell in love and you know that Charles Schwab commercial with Fergie? I really like that commercial. There was no point to that little interlude, and I am really sorry that I wasted twenty seconds of my life writing it all down. Sigh.
In the kitchen, the Captain finds Charlie sitting in the dark. The Captain assesses the situation and decides he needs a drink. He pulls out the pre-Pulse port and offers his guest a glass. Charlie needs to share his pain. The Captain takes out the rain stick, sacred eagle feather, dons the ritual headdress, and lights a bonfire in the kitchen. Now he's ready to talk. Charlie wants to know how he and Max do it. The Captain says they don't, uh, do it. They're not a couple, that is. Charlie wants to know if it's because of what Max is. The Captain says it's because of a lot of different things. Charlie kind of looks like my friend Chris Paynter. Hi, Chris! Charlie is also a much better actor then the average person on this show. They talk some more, and the Captain points out that Tinga is the same girl he fell in love with; he just knows more about her now. They look like they're about to hug when Max and Tinga come back into the room with Casey. He has a fever. Everyone looks concerned. As Max brushes the hair off his neck, she notices the faint outline of a bar code. She freaks and stares at Logan. Who, being across the room, probably has no clue what she is freaking out about. But does that matter? No. Also, Max does not tell Charlie and Tinga what she sees. They, who are standing right to the kid, don't bother turning him around to see what Max is shrieking about, and instead say, "What? What?" over and over again. 'Cause they're that smart.
As the bar code emerges on Casey's neck, Max reads the numbers. Turns out the UPC symbol is coded lottery numbers for the Seattle PowerBall. Logan's thrilled at a chance to get his money back. Max then realizes that there are fourteen numbers, while Manticore bar codes and lottery numbers only have twelve digits. They all look confused. Charlie wants to take Casey to the hospital, but Zack says no way. Charlie bum-rushes him, and Zack grabs him by the neck. Max separates them and dispatches Zack to go fill the bathtub with ice to lower Casey's fever. Logan suggests that the code was most likely a phone number. They call, and Lydecker answers. Good thing Logan knows how to scramble a phone signal.
Meanwhile, over at Bad Guy HQ, Lydecker is explaining his evil plan to Nana Visitor. Seems he slipped the kid a little nanotechnology virus that is making him sick. Turns out the kid only has six hours to live unless Tinga turns herself in. Nana Visitor is impressed with the plan to capture the proverbial goose with the golden egg (read: Tinga and her ability to pass on Manticore traits to her kids.) Of course, having a kid at Manticore would dramatically change their financial-aid package. She'll have to get back to him on that. Max, of course, tells Lydecker he's a sick fuck. Except she can't swear on primetime. Max hangs up on him and turns to Tinga to tell him what Lydecker suggested. The family is naturally aghast, but Tinga, being a brave little soldier, tells Max to make the call. Max is crying, but Zack says it's all Tinga's fault. She made herself vulnerable, and now she's paying the price. He warns Max to not make the same mistake. She smacks him upside the head for his insensitivity and tells him that he should really read some Robert Bly or join the Promise Keepers or something. Zack shakes his head and stomps off like the yeti that he is.
Max and Lydecker arrange a swap near a checkpoint. Lydecker's brought Brinn to control Tinga once they've made the swap. Max tells Lydecker to show her the cure. He brings out some Star Trekkie infuser that looks like one of those internet cat-scanner things that Wired magazine kept sending out. Tinga gets out of the car. She looks tough and sad, and is simultaneously glaring at Lydecker and crying her eyes out. She's still not a very good actress, though. She and her husband say some tear-filled goodbyes, and everyone looks upset. Well, everyone excluding Max, who looks like a monkey who keeps signing for a hibachi and the keepers keep handing him a kitten. Tinga heads to the other side of the checkpoint, and Max grabs the vaccine. As soon as she runs the device over Casey's bar code, the kid perks up. Tinga waves one last goodbye; Brinn puts her in the car. Lydecker tells Max that it's really not as big of a tragedy as she thinks. Max snarls that whatever he has to tell himself to sleep at night. For his part, he does look upset by witnessing Tinga leaving her family.
As soon as Tinga's in the van, Brinn gets on the horn and tells someone to move in. A station wagon pulls up and blocks Max's exit with Casey and Charlie. Men jump out of the van and grab Casey. As the station wagon drives off, Max screams at Lydecker, who swears he's innocent. He gets on his walkie-talkie and tries to figure out what's going on. Guess he didn't plan it. Max takes off after the station wagon and looks on as someone starts shooting at the speeding station wagon. Of course, it's Zack. He's flying down on a wire and shooting up the car. Which seems to be a really strange way to save a kid who is in said station wagon. I mean, come on, Zack -- we know you don't like kids, but why kill him? Dumb-ass. Anyway, they pull the kid out of the car, and he's unharmed. Of course. Zack tells Max that he knew Lydecker was up to something, but Max asserts that she doesn't think Lydecker is behind it.
Brinn is driving Tinga back to Manticore when the radio goes off. It's Lydecker, saying that they weren't supposed to capture the kid. Brinn turns off the radio while Tinga freaks, wanting to know where her son is. Brinn knocks out the two men, and Tinga thinks that Brinn is saving her. Then Brinn knocks her out too. Lydecker pulls up to the parked Hummer that Brinn was driving and finds Brinn unconscious on the seat. Later, back at Evil Empire HQ, Lydecker is railing on Nana Visitor. It was she who arranged for the men to grab the kid. Lydecker's pissed. Nana Visitor is assessing his student-loan applications and categorically denying him subsidized Staffords. Bitch.
Later, Nana Visitor is meeting Brinn at an undisclosed location. Seems Brinn is working under her orders. Brinn has captured Tinga and brought her to Nana Visitor's secret underground financial-aid assessment center. Brinn wants to know when Tinga will be brought to Manticore. Nana Visitor says it will happen in due time, but for now Brinn reports to her, and Lydecker is to know nothing of what's going on. Brinn salutes and leaves. Meanwhile, back at the Halls of Justice, Logan is handing out more in his seemingly unending supply of fake passports and fraudulent border passes. Charlie and Casey take off after Max promises to get Tinga back. Then she goes to sit on the Space Needle for awhile and perform a little monologue from Shakespeare's Twelfth Night. The voice-over continues as Nana Visitor's blonde head pops back on the screen; she walks into her secret lab and reveals Tinga all gussied up like Luke Skywalker after his walk on Hoth -- floating in a tank and hooked up to wires. I always wondered what would happen if I didn't get my student loan application in on time.