Holier than thou

S01E10

Max is wearing a terrycloth bathrobe and talking some serious trash about some guy "jacking their power on bath night." Who cares about his cannabis plants? They stole the power first, and it's theirs when they want it. Kendra is acting like a Greek chorus or Baptist choir in this scene, just affirming whatever Max is saying. As they wander back into the apartment, they begin having one of those made-for-TV versions of girl talk where they talk about sex and how much they hate cuddling and just want the noogies. It's just such a guy version of girl interaction. Speaking of which, I was watching some embarrassingly bad television last week due to a nasty head cold and a severe lazy streak, and MTV was having some self-aggrandizing/cheap advertisement show about the MTV Movie Awards. The only thing worth watching the show for was some short movie about the making of a movie that they had made (if you could follow that), where Lisa Kudrow plays a faux choreographer teaching women how to dance around a table to some crappy fifties song in the appropriate manner for some female bonding time. 'Cause isn't that how we ladies spend all our quality time? Dancing around a table to some retro tune? Isn't it? Maybe in James Cameron's wet dream. I can attest that, in twenty-five years as a female, I have never EVER danced around the table using a hairbrush as a microphone. Doing a dance-based interpretation of "You Spin Me Round"? Sure. But that's entirely different than dancing around a table with my three closest female friends.

Moving on. So Max and Kendra are having one of those conversations about Kendra's date that night. Max is opining that there is no way Kendra and her mystery man have sex for twelve hours straight. It's not possible. Kendra points out that it is indeed possible. Ask Willie Nelson. Or Sting. Max says that in her experience that has not been true. Well, if her experience and vast knowledge is based on the likes of Scrappy Doo from the second episode, no freaking wonder she has no clue about the mysteries of twelve-hour sexcapades. Kendra says that Max has already met the man, and that she'd better keep her genetically-engineered sloppy-seconds hands off of him Word, girlfriend -- you never know when Max is going to be in heat again. But I have to second Amorgan's opinion on this; since when did Kendra become a man collector? Whatever; it's not like the writers spend a lot of time on character development.

Max is soaking her head in her bath. They don't show anything, so don't bother with the woody. The phone rings, and she answers with a curt, "This better be global." Max. If you didn't want to answer the phone, why did you bring it into the bathroom with you? Just asking. It's -- of course -- Cap'n EO. He found out where the federal witness is being held, and he really wants Max to get over to the safe house ASAP to rescue the guy from the inept hands of the feds before he gets killed. Max is not feeling rushed; she's in heaven and Logan is bringing her down. It took her an hour to heat twenty pots of water, and she's going to enjoy it. Did the Pulse change the laws of physics? 'Cause it seems that if you took an hour to fill a bath, it would be pretty freaking cold by the time you got in. Anyhoo, Max thinks the witness will stay put until she's done with her bath. Then she drops the phone in the water and zaps herself senseless. Cap'n EO and I both guffaw and chortle about karma and selfishness.

Max and her big black motorcycle finally get around to staking out the safe house. Two seconds later, two men in black fatigues make the scene with guns drawn, ready to break in and kill the witness, who, by the way, is prepared to testify against the mayor and finally bring His Corruptness down. Logan's peeing his pants with excitement. But Max has to keep the witness alive first. She busts in the front door of the safe house, grabs the witness, throws him on the back of her motorcycle, and makes like a drum and beats it. I learned that one from Encyclopedia Brown. As she cruises off into the night, she asks the witness if he's all right. He says that he's okay, but she interrupted a dream he was having about twins from Portland. Max recognizes the voice as that of Bruno Anselmo from way back in episode one. Does anyone remember him? No? Thank god for flashbacks. Remember when Max dressed up like a hooker? No, not that time, the other time. No, the time before. No, no, the first time. Got it? Bruno was the guy who promised to work over Max's face with a pair of pliers. And then she took him to a hotel room and beat the crap out of him, and then he shot her and she pretended to be dead at the bottom of a pool. But before she pretended to die, she told Bruno something that made him charge right out and kill his boss, Sanrisa. It had something to do with medication for Balkan War Syndrome and large amounts of money. Bruno was supposed to be dead. He and Max stare at each other for awhile, and Max gets all skeeved and wants to take another bath. You know, I bet Freud would have a lot to say about that motorcycle.

Back at the Halls of Justice, Max introduces the Cap'n to the blindfolded Bruno. Bruno is already complaining about his treatment. No one cares. Including me. Moving on. Cap'n EO thought Bruno was dead. Hey, writers, we get it. Bruno was supposed to be dead! We get it! The writers are obviously not listening, because Cap'n EO continues to spell it out for the mentally challenged in the audience. So, Bruno, you were supposed to be dead, but you're not. You faked your death. And now you are going to testify against the mayor for his role in the death of 149 veterans who did not get their medication. I climb the cherry tree outside and signal in semaphore to the writers: We Freaking Get It! Bruno's Not Dead. Consider It Got! It's like freaking Easter or something. Since Bruno isn't dead, Cap'n EO wants him kept alive. Max is distressed at the idea of babysitting Bruno, but the Cap'n decides that the greater good is worth suffering his own personal discomfort with the situation. Because, if you didn't remember, Bruno is the one responsible for putting the Cap'n in a wheelchair. Did you remember that? I didn't. Don't worry, the writers will show you the footage about twenty-six times in the half hour. Bruno is confused. Max takes off his blindfold to show him the fruits of his labor: Logan in a wheelchair. Bruno is all, did I do that? Max and the Cap'n roll their eyes.

Max takes Bruno to a safe house out in the suburbs. The accommodations are not up to par, according to Bruno. Max suggests that they take a vow of silence for the twenty-four hours. That would sure be easy to recap: "Max acts like lethargic barkdust; Bruno knocks his head into a wall and ogles Max's ass." That would be way less painful than trying to recreate the way-lame supposed "dialogue" that the writers are trying to pass off here. Maybe they had a monkey write all of Bruno's lines. One of those bad, mean monkeys that gang members in France use as protection instead of pit bulls or Dobermans. I'm not making that up, either. They really use monkeys. For protection, probably not to write scripts. Anyway, Bruno is concerned about eating and entertaining himself for the evening, He's about to bust a move out of there when Max holds up some handcuffs. That stops him at the door, and he starts babbling about how he knew she was a kinky girl. Max shoves him into a chair and handcuffs him to the radiator. Then she spells out that there are lots and lots of people who want him dead. She has been commissioned to keep him alive. Thus, he must stay put in the room, whether he likes the accommodations or not. He sighs, and Max asks him what he wants on his pizza. He's vegan like me. Just what are the writers trying to say here? Is being vegan like smoking, a sure sign of inner evil? Oh my. My mother will be so disappointed.

Logan is watching the tape of his near-execution over and over again. Number Two comments that most people watch home videos to relive the good times. Or to look for winning footage for America's Funniest Home Videos. Logan is in his own world. He's dreaming of me. I can tell. He says that it's like the shooting happened to someone else. He knows it's him, but it feels so distant. Number Two says that Cap'n EO is a way better man than he is. Hey, Number Two, just 'cause your name is Blaine doesn't mean that you're less of a man! Number Two wants to know how Cap'n EO got the tape of the shooting. Money, 'cause that's all he has. Aw, the Cap'n's in a pissy mood. Number Two suggests that he scream or his head will pop off. He gets a little Evil Daddy, and the Cap'n demands his remote back. I'm so glad Amorgan suggested calling Blaine Number Two, because Blaine is just a bad name that conjures up images of Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink and really does no justice to Cap'n EO's right hand man.

Whenever I hit stop on the VCR, CNN comes on and they are showing the Ashcroft confirmation hearings, which are scary enough, but even scarier is the fact that my former boss is there testifying against him. It's stressing me out; I feel like I'm about to get busted for goofing off at work. And, ooh, there's my other old boss. Ooh, I hate her. Um, yeah, anyway, back to the episode.

Some random pock-marked old man is talking on the phone. He is saying that the hit didn't go through, because some chick on a bike busted into the room and snagged the witness. But don't worry, he'll take care of it himself. I think the director was going for some sort of Raymond Chandler rainy, shadowy moodiness there, but it really didn't work. Anyway, the ersatz hit man says that they will be sure to find him, because he has "certain weaknesses." And that, folks, is foreshadowing.

When Max gets back to the safe house, Bruno has invited some company over -- two young associates named Britannica and Ling Ling. Which, according to Bruno, is short for something. Bruno, Paulie Shore called, he wants his schtick back. Max tells the girls that they have to leave because Bruno has school in the morning. The girls want their money, but Bruno forgot his wallet. Max coughs up the dough and kicks Bruno in the head. Then she unlocks Bruno; they have to leave the safe house now, because it is no longer anonymous. You know, if Max and Bruno didn't mention the fact that he's a federal witness who's about to testify against the mayor to freaking everybody who crosses their path, they wouldn't have to run so often. Which brings me to another question that has been haunting me. If Max was trying to hide out from Lydecker and the Manticore repo crew, wouldn't she have, maybe, changed her name? I mean, really, that's pretty basic. Anyway, Max and Bruno head to another hotel. The clerk is looking for their reservation, but they blurt out different names. Don't you think that they would have discussed this in advance? Max sucks at being a bodyguard as much as she sucks at being a cat burglar. So Bruno apologizes, saying that they are "just married." I'm not sure why this was written into the episode. I think it's supposed to be the comic relief. I'm not laughing. Are you? The clerk can't find a reservation under either name, and they act surprised. Max finally pulls out some cash and asks the clerk to just find them a room. He finds them a room, but it's the last one, and there's only one bed. D'oh! Bruno suggests that Max sleep in the middle of the bed, and he'll sleep on top. Max coyly suggests that he sleep on the floor, and then she knocks his ass out. Occasionally, I really love Max. Actually, it's not Max, it's the writers. Jessica Alba sucks serious ass as an actress. And what's this crap about a Golden Globe nomination for best actress? Is the competition that slim?

Bruno wakes up from his stupor and rubs his jaw. Oh yeah, he says, it's all coming back to me. We get some more flashbacks of Max beating the crap out of Bruno. Max is really bad at keeping a low profile as a superhuman soldier. Bruno's bored. Max suggests that he watch television. He thinks there's no point, since Max won't let him order any movies. Max says that "Ho Monkeys: The Generation" is not film, it's excrement. And what's this TV show, Maxie? Solid gold? I don't think so. I think I lose brain cells with every episode. Sigh. Anyway, Bruno decides to take a shower. Max points out that some dirt just won't wash off. He suggests that she come help him. She ignores him. As he walks into the bathroom, we get a big ol' shot of a window. And, yes, that too is foreshadowing. Max calls Cap'n EO to see if she can kill Bruno. He gives her his whole "keep your eye on the prize" speech, with a "don't forget what he did to your friend Theo" thrown in for good measure. Yeah, yeah. Room service shows up, and Max sends back the champagne and whipped cream that Bruno ordered. Bruno isn't responding to the dinner bell, so Max busts into the bathroom. He, of course, is not there, having gone out the bathroom window. Max? You suck as a bodyguard. No, really, you do. Ray Charles saw that one coming.

Max hits the lobby to look for clues as to Bruno's whereabouts. The clerk won't tell her anything until she gives him his ten percent, an she's not sure what he's talking about until he threatens that she won't work the hotel anymore unless she gives him his cut. A lightbulb goes on over her head, and she grabs him by the neck and pulls him over the desk. Are you hitting up the working girls, she asks. You're taking a cut so you can sit there and look down your nose at them? If I ever hear you shaking down the working girls again, I'll come back and slap you like the bitch that you are. Hee hee hee. Although I hate to hear it come out of Jessica Alba's big old yawp, I am so glad to hear someone on network television defending the working girls. In my non-recapping life, I work for an organization that does outreach with prostitutes. Maybe it's because I've been recapping The Sopranos, where they use prostitutes like I use Kleenex (and I know from allergies down here in the swampland), but I've gotten pretty sensitive about the way sex workers are treated in pop culture. So it's nice to hear someone defending the ladies. Even if it is Max. The clerk coughs up that "her husband" took a taxi to the Steel Pole saloon.

Bruno is playing pool at a bar, in which the major decorating scheme appears to be metal cages with chicks boxing in them. Classy. Max comes in just as Bruno picks a fight with some guy. Max comes to his rescue and beats up the guy for him, which was pretty uncalled-for since Bruno was the instigator. Two or three other guys step up to the punch, but Max downs them pretty quickly with some action-y action moves, including one where she wraps her legs around a guy's neck. Which is so G.L.O.W. I'm going to mention, once again, that Max is really shitty at keeping a low profile. She grabs Bruno, handcuffs him, and drags him out of the bar with some ridiculous banter, which I'll spare you. Because I'm nice. As they leave, some guy gets on a phone and says that Bruno just left, and that the girl is good and that he'll need the team.

Bruno is handcuffed to the radiator again, but he's bummed because he can't reach the phone. Max preempts that idea, but Bruno says that he has to call his little girl or she can't sleep well at night. Max rolls her eyes and wonders aloud whether or not his offspring is considered homo sapiens. I imagine that line was funny on paper, but the delivery just sucked the life right out of it. Max finally agrees to let him call his daughter, once he assures her that his ex-wife has a scrambled cell phone that is entirely untraceable. After Max listens in to prove that it's really his daughter and not some stripper, she actually agrees to go get ice for his drink. When she's in the hallway, she eye-spys some super goons roughing up the desk clerk. You like that? Eye-spy? Heh. Max rushes back to the room to grab Bruno and get out of the hotel. They disappear out the window just as the goon squad breaks down the door. The desk clerk is calling the police, but the goons kill him. I don't think we're supposed to feel bad about that, since the writers allegedly established that he was a bad guy.

Max and Bruno wake up on the street. Oh, look! Max managed to grab her jacket before she ran out of the room. That's right, girl, fashion first.

And now it's time for the contractual two-point-six minutes with the Jam Pony crew. Normal is harassing Sketchy and OC about Max's whereabouts. He says that it's ten o'clock, and even their feckless bum asses have been at work for an hour. Sketchy objects to being called feckless. OC does too, but she doesn't know what it means. Normal says that if Max doesn't get there in the five minutes, she's fired. OC calls Cap'n EO and asks if he knows where Max is. The Cap'n says that Max is okay, she's doing a favor for him and she'll be at work later that afternoon. OC wants to know what favor. EO won't say, but tells OC that Max will have a note from her doctor when she gets back. OC says that if the Cap'n wants to be International Man of Mystery, that's fine with her, but if he gets her girlie in a jam, she'll beat on his ass, chair or not. When OC hangs up the phone, Normal asks if she now knows where Max is. She says she's at the doctor, but they caught it in time and she'll be back as soon as they're done running tests. Normal rolls his eyes so hard that they get stuck in the back of his head, and he has to excuse himself to the men's room.

Max calls Cap'n EO to let him know that she's in the home stretch with Mr. Potatohead. She didn't answer his pages because she had to dash out of the hotel and left her pager behind. The Cap'n wants to know if they were the mayor's men, but she says that they weren't the same men as the ones at the bar. The men at the hotel were really scary, and maybe the Cap'n should look into them. He agrees, and tells her to be careful. After Max hangs up, Bruno says that they have to get a move on, because he has to meet his daughter at the park in fifteen minutes. Max scoffs at that idea, but Bruno convinces her that he has to go and that his wife can shake anybody who may try to follow her.

They head to the park, where Bruno's ex-wife and daughter are waiting for a visit. Bruno takes the little girl for a ride on the swings while Max stands guard. His ex-wife and Max banter about Max's and Bruno's relationship. Bruno and his daughter banter about father-daughter stuff. The conversations stop short when Max eye-spies another person trying to kill Bruno. She tackles him and saves him from the killer's bullet. Why does she always have to land on top of the people she tackles? You just don't see that happening on the football field. Whatever.

Number Two answers the door at the Halls of Justice to receive a package. It's the security tape from the hotel where Max was staying last night. They watch in stunned horror as the goon squad crashes through the elevator door in order to grab the bellhop. They don't know who or what they are. The Cap'n says he needs to call Sebastian, whoever the hell that is. Are we supposed to know who that is?

Max and Bruno are on the motorcycle, waiting on line -- totally out in the open and not at all in disguise or undercover -- to get through a checkpoint. Bruno's wearing a really dorky helmet. I guess that's Max's feeble attempt at keeping him safe. Max wants to know why Bruno's coming forward. What's in it for him? He says that he's doing it for his daughter, so that she can say that her dad was a good guy underneath all the layers of muck and guck. Aww. Sort of.

The guy from the Steel Pole bar is back on the phone. He is saying that Max and Bruno got away, but it won't happen again. While he's talking, the camera pans out to show the goon squad repairing their wounds with blowtorches and god knows what else. The man on the phone says that as soon as they stop bleeding, they'll go get the girl.

Cap'n EO is visiting Sebastian, who turns out to be some guy who is completely paralyzed and speaks through a computer. You'd think Cap'n EO would take him as an example and realize that his lot in life isn't so bad. But he probably won't. He's kind of whiny. Sebastian reminds me of something. Oh, right -- what was that crapass movie with Helena Bonham Carter and Kenneth Branagh? Where one of them has Lou Gehrig's disease and the audience suffers through another disease-of-the-week sob story? ["It's called The Theory Of Flight." -- Sars] Note to screenwriters and casting agents: Casting famous people as individuals with debilitating diseases is not a public service designed to raise awareness of tragic diseases, but is instead a transparent attempt at establishing a surefire route to an easy Oscar a la Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot. Even the Academy sees through this one, folks. No, really, they do. Anyway, Sebastian tells the Cap'n that the men are super soldiers from South Africa who have no fear and no pain. The soldiers and their creators are dying to get their hands on a Manticore prototype, because they could use the technology to expand their own lifelines, which are limited by the amount of stress and strain in their lives. Cap'n EO suddenly realizes that Max may be a target.

At the Municipal Courthouse, a crowd has gathered to protest or watch or something. I'm not really sure what they're doing there. Cap'n EO and Number Two pull up in their Aztek. The Cap'n is packing heat. Or maybe he's just happy to see me. He's there to warn Max about the South Africans. Are South Africans always going to be bad guys? Even in 2019? Oh. Max and Bruno pull up on the motorcycle, and Max points out the freaking obvious fact that someone in that crowd probably has a hot piece of lead with Bruno's name on it. She'll have to get him into the building some other way. The scene cuts to the courtroom, where the chief justice is calling Bruno to the stand after acknowledging that the US Marshals totally biffed their responsibilities. Regardless, if Bruno isn't there, the hearing will adjourn. Luckily, just as the gavel is raised, Max breaks down the front door of the courthouse and drops Bruno onto the witness stand. Strangely enough, she does not get arrested for damaging federal property or contempt of court. Bruno begins his testimony, but halfway through, the chief justice receives a note saying that a bomb threat has been issued and they need to evacuate the building. Max looks nervous about trying to protect Bruno in such a crowd, but Bruno has an idea. They head down the back stairs, but Bruno suddenly grabs a fire extinguisher and breaks the lock on the exit. Max is all WTF? Bruno confesses that he's just fulfilling his end of the bargain, and that word on the street is that people are willing to pay serious money for Manticore prototypes. Max's physical prowess proves that she must be one, so he set her up. He's a bad guy doing what comes naturally, even if she did save his life. He may be somebody's daddy, but he's nobody's friend. Like that? I just made it up. The goon squad comes out of a van to grab Max. One of them has some shock tazer thing. Max looks a little concerned, but she's got her image to worry about, so she doesn't let her attitude drop.

Bruno leaves the courthouse and Cap'n EO spots him. He yells after him about Max's whereabouts, but Bruno ignores him. Just as it looks as if Bruno is about to get away, the pock-marked assassin kills him in the courtyard of the courthouse.

Max fighty-fight-fights with all her strength, but it's still three against one and she gets her ass kicked good. That tazer thing looks pretty painful, and just as she's about to get the serious beatdown, Cap'n EO pulls up in his Aztek, pulls out his gun (no, not that gun), and shoots the super soldier. Max jumps in, and they peel out. The man gets back on the phone and says that she got away only because someone helped her. They will not fail again. So, what, now that Lydecker isn't looking for Max in Seattle, she needed a new enemy? Head to the forums and discuss this. Personally, I'm not sure whether these troglodytic goons are better or worse than Lydecker's blond ambition. They're kind of like Galactus from Marvel Comics. Or the Borg. We will have you or else. It's kind of dumb.

Back at the Halls of Justice, Cap'n EO bandages Max's wounds while they watch the news. The mayor is being indicted on 149 murder charges based on Bruno's testimony. Max points out that Bruno got what he wanted. A bullet in the chest? No, a legacy for his daughter to look up to. The Captain rolls his eyes and mentions that Max sure got it good. Max says that she needs to get her ass kicked every once in awhile, and that if he's going to warn her to be afraid, she's already afraid. I'm afraid too. Of what the writers are going to churn up on this crap-ass show.