Man, this show is ass. Every time I watch it, I'm reminded of all the promise, the hullabaloo, the brouhaha as it were, and my disappointment bites at the back of my throat like cheap wine. Okay, not really, but I wanted to wax poetic and sort of weltschmertz for a moment, you know? I mean, the show is ass, but I kind of like it that way. Anyway. This episode opens with Cap'n EO working feverishly at his computer. I feel a kinship with him. I have an iBook, he has a G4 cube; I'm hot, he's hot; he's obsessed with stuff, I'm obsessed with stuff. You see the parallels. Number 2 (that's the bodyguard) chides him for working too hard, and also for trying to bail on his dinner date with Max. Some bantering back and forth about the nature of dating, male-female relationships, et cetera. The bile rises uneasily up my esophagus, then settles again when the conversation ends.
And cut to Max's apartment, where she is lighting candles and watching her roommate finish up a tricolore(?) sauce that will "make Logan [her] sex slave." Max insists that they don't have "that kind" of relationship (um, especially since he's paralyzed from the waist down, yo), and the roommate gives her a Knowing Look. Cap'n EO -- oh wait. I almost missed a choice mockery moment. Jesus, I'm getting slow. It seems that Max broke into the Italian embassy to obtain a bottle of cold-pressed extra-virgin olive oil. Oh. My. Fucking. God. She's got electricity in an "abandoned" squat, she drinks good imported beer like it was freaking Budweiser, she and her friends always have styling clothes, and yet it's a big deal that she got freaking olive oil. This point is made in every recap, but every single time it amazes me. Gawd. To continue. Cap'n EO wheels in just as Kendra is scooting out, and he's all business. It seems he decided to come to dinner, but couldn't leave his bummer friend, Obsessive-Compulsive Workaholic Tendency, back at the League of Justice. Max blithely ignores his business-talk frou-frou and concentrates on pasta and wine and such. Good girl. But Mister Bag-of-Downers has to have his way, and he wrestles Max back to the somber issue of Bad Guys like an Australian wrestling an alligator. (Nice image, huh?) Once he gets the point across that he's not going to eat her purloined olive oil, or anything cooked in it, she gets really pissy and sour, and makes a tremendous production of being mad at him without actually telling him. For a long time.
So the Bad Guy portion of the plots goes like this: there's a guy named, uh, Bronk (or something like that) who's selling stolen blood that should be given to hospitals for folks in need of blood. And this makes the Cap'n angry. So he takes Max out to some airfield, which is purportedly Bronk's lair, and asks her to do some recon. His source has told him that Bronk has very little security, so it should be an easy job. (That, my friends, is known as foreshadowing.) Max cat-burgles (geddit? She's part cat -- ha ha) her way into a hangar, and is happy to discover...a jar of bubble gum? Yes, bubble gum. And many other accoutrements native to teenage girls. Hmm. (This, my friends, is known as a plot twist.) No blood at all.
Max gobbles some gum, then gets herself discovered by the night guard when she pops a bubble. Lulu has pointed out before that Max may be one of the world's worst thieves, so I'll just leave it at that. There is an action-packed sequence full of actiony action, and Max outruns many bullets, then jumps onto the tail of a plane that's taking off. She hops off the plane just in time to sproing over the security fence, and promptly falls face first into a big ol' puddle of mud. HA! HA HA HA! Ahem. Max looks as chagrined as I feel smug and pleased, and believe you me she is not taking any guff from the Cap'n. Oh, wackiness, you never grow old.
Back at the League of Justice, Max stomps around in a towel (boys across the land pitch tents in their living rooms at the sight) while Cap'n stews over his computer and ignores the fact that he's got a mostly-naked genetically engineered super-being hot lady in his house. My boyfriend used to get like that when he got a new computer game. It's an age-old story. Max tells the Cap'n that she quits, and they get into their usual argument: "You're a selfish bitch." "Oh, yeah, well you're an obsessive-compulsive do-gooder." That's the long and the short of it, really. Except this time the Cap'n takes exception to being called obsessive, and then things get ugly. They spat some more, and he tries to pull the Manticore Dangle on her (he dangles info about Manticore, she does what he wants), but she's not having any of it, and tells him not to call her again. And thus ends Parte the Firste (tm Sars) of the Plote Major, which leads us to Parte the Firste of the Plote Minor.
The subplot begins with a teeth-gnashingly annoying Sketch watching Normal floss his teeth. He ponders the meaning of such personal hygiene, first with our "Jamaican" friend (note to uncertain readers: quotations around a word or phrase, when not indicating a quote or the title of something, are markers of irony, not emphasis. Just making sure we're all working from the same style and grammar book here) and then with Can't-Keep-My-Nose-Out-Of-Other-People's-Business Cindy. Max arrives for the tail end of the speculation, and the Asshole Gang is complete. (I got reprimanded for using the term Scooby Gang, and nobody had any good suggestions for a replacement name. It's not all that clever, but, by God, it's what you get.) Max and Cindy make a move to investigate Normal's motives, and I clearly see Herbal checking out their asses as they walk away. Hee. They notice that Normal is wearing Lilac cologne. Um, what guy wears Lilac? When he's not trying to pass for a middle-aged woman, I mean.
And cut back to the main plot, in which Cap'n EO is looking at photos with and getting information from our friend the Mole. Bronk is up to something, smuggling something out of the country, but they can't tell what. "What did you find out last night at the airstrip?" says the Mole. "That when some girls don't eat dinner they get real cranky," quips the Cap'n. I get real cranky when I don't eat dinner. In case you were wondering. Cut to Max complaining about men. Roomie sympathizes with Max's complaints, then offers to set her up with some dumb, handsome fellow that she can use up and discard like tissue. Um, can someone tell me why Kendra has a huge Rolodex full of men's names? I didn't realize that was part of her character. Jeez. And cut again, this time to the Cap'n receiving his physical therapy training from Number 2. The Cap'n is whiny and cranky, and Number 2 guesses it's because he and Max had a spat. The Cap'n sullenly tells him that Max has nothing to do with it, that he's pissy because his legs don't work. This is valid to me. But not to Number 2, who threatens to smack him around for being such a puss. Meeee-ow, I love a good catfight! Unfortunately there is no catfight tonight, and instead we are whisked away to the dull and embarrassing world of Normal on a date.
At the fancy restaurant, Normal has a date with a very lovely blonde lady. To whom he tells whopping, horrible lies about his education. "But enough about me," says Ray (this is Normal's secret name), "tell me about you. The first two acts left me wanting so much more." His date breathily says she's just a girl from the Midwest trying to make her way in the world. It's their second date. They slow-dance to moody jazz, they kiss, and Ray gets verrry mushy, too mushy for simply the second date. When I hear the phrase, "I've been waiting a long time for the right someone to come along," and I'm only on the second date, I make a mental note to break things off via the telephone after several days' silence. But enough about me. The first two acts of this show have left me hungry for so much more. No, really. Over at the Bar, Max and Original Cindy complain about men. Kendra shows up with two really hot, sweet guys, and Max is about to be unusually nice to them, but a Cap'n EO special hits the airwaves and sours everything. Max returns to her normal, rude self and stomps off.
Which leads us back to the Plote Major. See, Bronk and his dudes are watching the broadcast, too. The dudes get upset, but Bronk says that it's perfect because now they can figure out which of the three cops they set up is the Mole. "The Korean guy, Matt." That's what one dude says. Bronk orders them to feed him some more bad info, then follow him to his liaison with Cap'n EO. Bronk wants the Cap'n. Bad. There is a lot of Bad Guy lighting in this scene, that lighting being blue and cold, like the heart of ice that lies within Bronk's chest.
I used to get very angry at commercials, and I would write vituperative, scathing, often drunken indictments of the subtextual obscenities that writhe within commercials like a pit of snakes. Now, though, I just don't care. I'm desensitized. Maybe my lighting should be blue and cold, too. *sigh* Did you know that I have poison ivy all over my arms? It really sucks.
Okay, so anyway. The waiter from the fancy restaurant is a friend of Ray's (that's what I'm calling him from now on), it seems, and it also seems that Ray's date left her purse at the restaurant last night. So the sweet waiter brings it over to the bike center, and the two men exchange fond words. In another part of the cultural mecca that is the bike center, James Cameron, I mean Max, spews more garbage about the nature of gender in modern society. With Sketch. Who got his Ph.D in cultural studies from Harvard before the Pulse. Oh, wait -- that was Normal. At any rate, Sketch begs either Max or O.C. to come with him into some bad part of town that is renowned for its gang wars. Max agrees, but only after calling him a wuss. More commentary on gender roles, if you didn't catch that bit of subtextual shrapnel. And now Ray asks Mind-My-Own-What? Cindy to deliver his lady friend's purse back to her. As this horrifying bit of Plote Minor continues, Sketch delivers a moronologue about how women come into this world with the purpose of procreation, which men have to discover a creative purpose on their own. He cites the invention of the carbureted bong among the world's great creations, and I have to admit I am impressed, as this is a little racy for prime-time TV. Max rightly condemns him as an idiot, and they make their delivery to a warehouse full of Mean Gang Members. The delivery is a finger in a box, and the recipient takes a break from beating someone up to receive it. The recipient declares his neighborhood a war zone, and Max gets mad because he's "another man on a mission." She grabs Sketch (hee, the Mean Gang Member called Sketch Gilligan. Hee) and snits away, bouncy hair bouncing behind her. For those who were wondering, she does not let the door hit her in the ass on the way out.
At the League of Justice, the Cap'n receives a phone call from Matt the Mole. Matt has some new information, which we, as savvy viewers, recognize as phony bait placed by Bronk's men. The men agree to meet.
But enough of the Plote Major. Time for more cringe-tastic fun with the Plote Minor. At the Bar, Sketch and Max debate feminist social theory, citing such luminaries as Paglia and Wolfe, Atwood and Sprinkle. Their conversation is both lively and erudite, and they deftly weave together strands from academia and popular culture. I am sincerely impressed. Then Original Cindy has to bust in and ruin it all with the news that she looked in Normal's girlfriend's purse. Why does O.C. speak of herself in the third person? And why does she persist in calling all women "females"? Anyway, the scoop is that Ray's lady is a "mister sister" -- a male-to-female transsexual. The Assholes cackle with glee as they think of ruining Ray's romance, and I think to myself that they are very, very mean. And you know, just because Sketch used the phrase "signifier of gender status" doesn't mean that he's any smarter than he was before.
Wheeeeee, and it's back to the Plote Major. Cap'n EO and Matt the Mole tell secrets on the playground while Number 2 plays bored papa and watches distractedly from the car. So Number 2 almost misses it when Cap'n EO gets grabbed, and also I forgot to mention that just before he gets grabbed, the Cap'n asks the Mole uncertainly if he seems obsessed. Hee. Uh oh, here's more of the Plote Major: Max watches a whole gaggle of little girls get grabbed off the street and shoved into a police paddywagon by one of the same Bad Guys who were chasing her around the airfield that fateful night. Suddenly she puts all the pieces together (are you putting the pieces together, dear reader? Think back. Ah, now you see) and runs to call the Cap'n. But the Cap'n isn't there. Number 2 answers the phone and gives Max the skinny on what just happened. This causes her to ride her motorcycle. Hi, motorcycle! I missed you! The Cap'n plays cat-and-mouse games with Bronk until Bronk bitch-slaps him and then orders his dudes to shock Matt the Mole with jumper cables. This makes the Cap'n confess that he is the real Eyes Only (until that point, Bronk had been under the impression that the Cap'n only worked for Eyes Only.) Michael Weatherly doesn't play "desperate" very well. Did you notice?
So on their third date, Ray's lovely lady friend tries to tell him something, and he interrupts her and lets her know that he went through her purse and figured out that she's had some "extensive retro-fitting" (hee) and he likes her anyway. That is so cool and right-on of him. Oh, dear, I like our Ray very much. I even want to believe he went to Harvard. But I don't. Anyway, Louise (that's the gal's name) reads her lines like an eight-year-old playing Benedict Arnold in the school play, and undramatically tells him that she's also a lesbian. Hee. "Ray, I'm gay." "In what sense?" Good one, Cameron. For once in your sorry life.
Back at the Plote Major, Bronk beats on the Cap'n, then tries to extort information from him by holding Matt the Mole at gunpoint. Uh-oh, now Max plays Cap'n EO on TV and tells Bronk to give up her people, and that she's going to contact him. So she calls him on the Cap'n's cell phone, and the Bad Guys very conveniently have a state-of-the-art phone tracer at hand to trace the call. But Max even more conveniently has super-brain-powers, and gives the trace the wrong address with the Cap'n's computer system. It's like when two kids are playing, and one says, "I'm shooting fire out of my eyes at you," and the other one says, "Oh, yeah? Well, I have super cold powers and I put your fire out." Having poison ivy is no fun. I don't recommend it to anyone. Not even Bad Guy Bronk. Speaking of Bad Guy Bronk, he orders his dudes to the traced address to gouge out EO's eyes and then kill him and then steal his files and burn his house down. Can you tell he's German? (Sorry, my German friends, it was an easy hit.)
Now the suspenseful, and also comic-relief-ful, part of the show. We see the Bad Guy car driving through the streets. We see Max and Number 2 waiting anxiously. A knock comes at the door. Number 2 opens it, gun drawn, but it's only the old lady from upstairs, got off on the wrong floor again. Everyone laughs nervously. Oh, and Max obsessively plays the recording of her conversation with Bronk, falling more and more in love with him with every breath. Then she calls Bleed (the Mean Gang Member) to let him know that "bad guys with guns are on their way to kill people." Geddit? She sent the Bad Guys into the War Zone. Ha ha ha. Back to business. She listens to the recording until she hears a foghorn in the background, thus tipping her off to Bronk's location: another airfield, this one by the harbor. Um. Yeah. Well, she's a super-soldier, you know? So Max rides her bike out to the airfield, getting there just in time to save the Cap'n. She whomps and stomps on all the Bad Guy's dudes at the same time that Bronk is doing a double-cross on his cop friends and trying to fly away in his little plane. So she jumps on the plane, kills and beats up Bronk and the pilot, then opens the back of the plane to comfort a whole lot of little girls who are sniveling.
The end of Plote the Major. And now to wrap up the Plote Minor. Original Cindy coaxes Ray into telling her that Louise likes chicks. Then he gives O.C. Louise's phone number, says Louise found O.C. "alluring." (Whoa. I'll leave that one alone.) But O.C. doesn't want a "science-fiction girlfriend," and I come to the startling conclusion that Ray is a better person than O.C. Interesting. And back at the League of Justice, Max and the Cap'n make up. They exchange awkward banter until the real apologies start to flow. They compete for Most Wooden Actor award, and it comes up a draw. Oh, and then he puts off some work until the morning so he can have dinner with her tonight. And thus ends the passion play known on prime-time as Dark Angel. The Ende.