Thanks to Methos for explaining that the Dark Angel writers really do listen to Wu Tang. I now bring you the most boring episode of any TV show ever...
It was a dark and stormy night. A young Latina woman walks along the street. Alone. In the dark and storm. She is approached by a homeless man. Can't you just feel the foreshadowing? Ooh, I'm getting tingly. If by "tingling" you mean "sleepy." The homeless man tells her that he had a sister that looked like her who died in the Tallahassee food riots. I guess the writers gave him that line so we would know that times were tough. 'Cause it is a little hard to tell what with all that dirt, filth, homelessness, grifting, squatting, and crime around. Anyway. The girl gets kidnapped. Are you surprised? I'm not. So the girl is nabbed and taken to a room where, lo and behold, it turns out that Captain EO kidnapped her. Lucky girl. It seems that she, Elena, approached Captain EO's people because he aired a broadcast that mentioned her father, Robert Herrero, who was a journalist. Captain EO affirms that they were colleagues back in the days of the Pacific Free Press. Elena wants to find out what happened to her father, who was "disappeared" over two years ago. She can't get over it. She must find out The Truth. Captain EO points out that he's not an investigator. She realizes this, but points out that he's in "the truth business," like her father.
The scene shifts to show Captain EO watching this over and over in his apartment. He looks concerned. As does Max when she realizes that her tough girl Latina lover position may be in jeopardy. So she decides to be catty ('cause that always works, ladies!), and rolls her eyes and asks if he's still thinking about helping the daughter of the "disappeared crusading journalist guy." The Captain gives her the stink-eye and rolls over her toes a few times. Well, okay, not really. He shows her pictures that Elena sent of her and her father when she was a little kid. He tells Max how everyone wanted Herrero dead: cops, robbers, monkeys. Everyone!
(One quick aside: I was watching this on tape, and when I stopped the video to go make a cup of coffee (for obvious reasons), Regis Philbin popped on the screen, and I mean popped, because his eyeballs were popping out of his bumpy little head at Charlize Theron. Who decided it was a good idea not to wear a brassiere under her tight shirt on national television. And we're not talking the Tonight Show here, folks. It's 9:21 in the morning. I'm just saying.)
Captain EO is still talking about how Herrero was so great at digging up dirt on people that he gave everyone who was dirty a reason to kill him. And someone finally did it. Max mentions that it sounds like it's right up EO's alley, because it's so depressing. She continues to flip through the pictures of Elena's happy childhood until she has a flashback of her unhappy childhood. 'Cause she had an unhappy childhood, doncha know. There's some random black-and-white memory of Max as a child trudging through the cold with guns and fatigues, and they find a red balloon and they can't have it so they kick someone, and then they see Lydecker, and then they let the balloon go. As the trip down memory lane ends, Captain EO is saying that he really feels for this girl, and she has a hole in her life that she'll never be able to fill. He must help her find her father. The timing of this l'il speech was strange, because it seemed like he was talking about Max, but he was talking about Elena. Hmm. Oh that's right, I don't care. Max says that if he helps Elena, at least he'll help her get rid of the question marks. Then she turns the conversation back to herself, and Captain EO says he's been investigating the whereabouts of her birth mother, but he needs to know Max's birthday. She doesn't know when it is. 'Cause she had an unhappy childhood, doncha know. She asks him when his birthday is. Turns out it's November 11th. She hands him an early birthday present, a grapefruit, which is a rare commodity she found down at the market on Fremont. And, there we go, ladies and gentlemen: that is the first time in the history of this show that they have mentioned a location that actually exists in Seattle. Bravo. He tells her she should pick a birthday, because life's rough and at least you should get some presents.
Ooh, the Rockettes are on the Today show. They're dressed up like reindeer. You know, I'm not really bummed that I am too short to be a Rockette.
Back at the messenger center, the (ahem) Jamaican man is asking around for cash. And Sketchy actually has some to give him. Everyone is stunned. Even the guy who got the cash is in shock and, as he is wont to do, makes some religious statement about how Jah gives every man a day in the sun. A random bike messenger snarks, "Not in Seattle." Which was actually almost funny. But I couldn't summon up the energy to laugh. Sketchy bikes up to some random door, knocks, and is given a package. The up-to-no-good music is playing, so I know he is up to no good.
Captain EO meets up with his friend the detective to try to get the dirt on Herrero. Seems that the police department didn't like Herrero very much either, so his disappearance was not investigated very wholeheartedly. And no, Captain, you can't look at the case file, it's sealed. And no wonder the cop's not jumping out of his pants to help you, you're completely loaded and you bought him a Heineken. And then you give his kid a GameBoy? I mean, yeah, it's color, but it's got to be at least twenty years old. Oh, Captain EO, you're letting me down.
Enough with the fucking bike tricks. Original Cindy and Sketchy like the same girl. Sketchy is showing off his, um, skills to try to impress the little lady, and then completely bites it on some jump. As he lands, the mysterious package falls out of his bag and lands in a puddle and drifts on down the road to the sewer. Do you care? Neither do I.
Captain EO pages Max and asks her to break into police headquarters to get Herrero's sealed file. Did you see that one coming? Yep, me too. Max wanders the halls of the empty police headquarters and steps into a bathroom to clog the drain and flood the bathroom, thus creating a diversion. Why? I don't know. Couldn't she just break into the room and steal the file without alerting people to a problem? Of course not. Then she wouldn't get caught breaking in. And then she wouldn't have any ass to kick. And what sort of show would this be without ass-kicking? An even more boring one. Anyway, she takes a break from flooding the bathroom to apply Chapstick. 'Cause there's never a bad time to moisturize. A cop wanders the halls and comes across Max's little flood. But he doesn't call it a flood. He calls it a "moisture situation." In fact, he says, "We have a moisture situation in the men's bathroom." Which makes it sound like this is an ad for a mildew remover. Or adult diapers. Anyway. Max has memorized the entry code to the storage room, because, of course, the cop had gone into the room before noticing the diversion, thus giving her the opportunity to memorize the tones. The cop supervises the janitor's work, using such encouraging phrases as "No floating pieces of corn, that's good," because it is important to make your employees feel like valuable members of the team. Max has set off an alarm, because she is a really shitty thief and always gets caught. I will keep mentioning this fact until Captain EO realizes that he should ditch Miss Chapstick 2019 and call me. Hee hee hee. The cop goes to investigate. General ass-kicking ensues. Max takes the opportunity to follow her shrink's advice and talk about past relationships, get out her aggression, and work through her feelings. It really looked very therapeutic.
Back at the messenger center, Sketchy bangs his head over and over again into a locker. I know his pain. The Jamaican guy, whose name I discover is Ervil, and OC try to cheer him up, but Sketchy rebuffs their efforts with, "It's not okay, it's not all cookin' curry." I don't know what that means either. In fact, I rewound the tape three times to make sure that's what he said. And it is. OC asks him why he was working as a mule for Russian gangsters in the first place. Which is what we all were wondering. Sketchy gives a brief lecture on microeconomic theories, which basically boils down to "because he's broke." But then he messed it up, so he's toast. But he's going to go talk to the gangsters and tell them what happened. Ervil and OC and I think that's a stupid idea, and he could end up hurt. Not that I care. Do you? What an annoying subplot.
Anyway.
Captain EO is using the stolen police file to investigate the Herrero case. It seems that the police were planning a hit on Herrero, but he disappeared before it could happen. Looks like someone got to him first. The housekeeper reported him missing after she arrived at the house to find him gone and signs of a struggle strewn about the house. She herself disappeared two days later. I yawn and look out my window and, sure enough, there's the plot twist, crossing the Potomac and heading my way. Snore.
Captain EO feels bad for putting Max in harm's way so often, so he's bought her a gun. But, like Charlie's Angels before her, she eschews guns. Captain EO can't understand, but I guess it's because he doesn't get all the handy-dandy plot-loophole-filling-in flashbacks that we get. Max and I are surprised that a "high-minded idealistic lefty humanist like [Logan] would advocate greasing the bad guys." He points out that it's a kick-or-be-kicked-in-the-ass world. She points out that she has no issues with kicking ass. This scene wasn't as annoying as it could have been. But don't worry, the writers made up for it by making the scene really really annoying.
Sketchy is talking with the Russian businessmen. Actually, he's talking,and they're kicking his ass. Max and OC find the aftermath of the talks, which seemed to have broken down into some sort of S/M orgy. Sketchy is hanging upside down, wearing nothing but chains and a smile. Oh, and his nasty hat. Max gets paged, and doesn't even ignore it long enough to help Sketchy down. Real nice, that Max. OC says she'll help, as long as he doesn't move his hands. Which are covering his, um, action. Anyway, OC took the words right out of my mouth. We both ate recently.
Back at Captain EO's Hall of Justice, the good captain is telling Max about the suspicious actions of Herrero's housekeeper in the years following the disappearance. Seems she bought a house. Which means she was obviously involved in the disappearance, and received a whole bunch of money from what ever bad-guy contingent she was working for. She should be followed and have her house bugged and her phone tapped. I don't think I could be an investigative journalist, because I cannot reach these logical conclusions with such agility and speed. Max and Logan are discussing the gadgets of choice for bugging the housekeeper's house. Max eyes his hardware (heh), which is a "voice-activated parabolic mic with a high-gain noise filter, lithium-powered RF transmitter broadcasting at 400 megs." It seems she excelled at telecommunications as a child. But not enough to notice that the transmitter is actually broadcasting at 450 megs. She stands corrected. But wait, there are micro-sized, lithium-powered, parabolic, voice-activated gadgets around, and Captain EO is handing out GameBoys? Whatever. Max goes to install the bugs on the housekeeper's house, but when she's peeping-tomming, she notices that a man very closely resembling Mr. Herrero is getting down with the housekeeper. I realize that the man is busted, but how exactly is Captain EO planning on explaining his discovery? "Uh, I sent my cybergenetic foot soldier to bug your house and she noticed you in there. Is there a problem with that?" Oh, whatever. I'm turning over and going back to sleep.
Captain EO and Herrero are in a library. Herrero is talking about how Seattle used to be a haven for writers and artists and those who took the time to think about what it means to be human. But then Microsoft moved in with all their employees, and all the dot-com millionaires took over Belltown and Capitol Hill and Queen Anne and First Hill and everything surrounding Lake Washington, and then no artists or writers could afford to live in Seattle. Well, that's what he said, except for the Microsoft part. Herrero tells Captain EO that he was a little concerned to hear his voice on the phone. He had gone to a lot of trouble to disappear. Oh yeah, a lot of trouble. What, did he move five whole blocks? Whatever. Captain EO takes Herrero on a nice little guilt trip about walking away from his work and his daughter. Herrero tells him he fell in love; he wanted to, you know, not get wiped out by police-hired hit squads, so he decided to fake his own death and hide out five blocks from home with his housekeeper. He prefers to stay dead, but wouldn't mind seeing his daughter if she actually wants to get in touch with him.
Max can't figure out why Captain EO would be bothered by his friend faking his own death and then doing such a bad job hiding out. She thinks it's romantic that Herrero left the risky world of investigative journalism to live with his housekeeper. Logan thinks he turned his back on his responsibilities. Max informs him that some guys "rearrange their priorities when they find a woman who rearranges his furniture." I don't know what that means either. I guess rearranging one's furniture is supposed to be a good thing in 2019. Personally, I would be pretty annoyed if someone rearranged my furniture. Anyway. Max leaves to go tell Elena that her father is still alive.
Hey, you know, I think they actually tried to recreate Pike Place Market. Huh.
Elena and Max talk about their fucked-up families. There are some flashbacks involved. I'll spare you the dialogue.
The stupid ass sub-plot continues. Oh, look -- OC is dressed like an eighties-style hooker again. Look, Max is too! Does this mean that they are going to work the streets to get Sketchy his money? That is SO nice of them. Where do they get these clothes? Isn't there a depression or something? Whatever. At least they didn't put Sketchy in hot pants. Max says "vamanos" to Sketch. She says that because, if you didn't read the NYT article, and, you know, you couldn't just tell from looking, Jessica Alba is a Latina role model. Just ignore the gold hot pants, okay? Max and OC head out to the Odessa Social Club. You know, the swinging casino that the Russian gangsters own. I thought I'd fill you in, since you were probably asleep when that was explained. I would have been, too, but I had the foresight to take large amounts of trucker speed before watching this episode. Max and OC tell the bouncer at the club that they just got off work at the Cherry Bomb and they heard that they could, you know, play that game with the bouncy ball and the wheel at the club. Giggle. Hair twirl. Wink. Puke.
Inside the club, Max uses her...whatever to figure out where the ball will land on the roulette wheel. She can't call the bounce, but she can figure it out enough to win some money. The funky-fun-winning-an-assload-of-money music starts playing. They win an assload of money. Enough to draw the Russian gangsters' attention, but not enough to get Sketch out of trouble. The head gangster asks if they want to make a lot of money playing cards. Max giggles, twirls her hair, winks and asks, if they're playing the game "where you have to take your clothes off if you lose." No, they're not. They go to play poker in the back. Max and OC lose for awhile, and then ask to raise the stakes and get rid of the bet limits when it's Max's turn to deal. Max memorizes all the card placements. 'Cause she can. They have over fourteen thousand dollars in the pot! Can you guess who's going to win? Max. She memorized the cards and figured out that she could have a straight flush. Fucking Rain Man in hot pants, that one. She wins and they bail, which makes the gangsters a little hot under the collar. So they follow the girls out of the club to get the money back, but little do they know they're dealing with OC and a genetically-designed killing machine. All that's missing from the fight scene that ensues is the wah-wah guitar that used to play whenever the Bionic Woman threw somebody against a wall. I really miss Lindsey Wagner about now. Anyway. The girls go find Sketchy to give him the money to save his life. He's grateful in his own lame Sketchy way, and Max warns him that if he ever needs a favor like that again, "He's out of life lines." Did she just quote from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Don't tell me that show's still on the air in 2019. Christ. I mean, if the Pulse was good for one thing, wouldn't it be to wipe Regis off the face of primetime? And doncha think the gangsters might be a little suspicious if they just lost fifteen thousand and then Sketchy walks up with fifteen thousand? What. Ever. And writers? Leave the Mob drama to networks where they can swear.
A cab pulls to the side of the road, and Elena steps out. She sees her father lighting candles at the dinner table. She pulls out a cigarette and continues to stare at her father's windows until THE ENTIRE APARTMENT EXPLODES! She sucks on her cigarette some more as she watches the flames, then turns and calmly walks away. Damn. Of course, you knew she was a bad person who was up to no good the second she stepped out of the cab. How could you tell? She was smoking! Only bad people who blow up their parents smoke.
The scene cuts to Max and Captain EO watching a TV broadcast of a news team reporting on the dramatic fire that killed two people. Max wonders who was responsible. The cops? The robbers? The monkeys? Captain EO blames himself, because he knows that it was Elena that did it. She was a smoker. She was obviously recruited by someone to track down her father so he could be killed. It was all for the money. Max states the obvious: "Damn, we got played."
Max goes to track down Elena. 'Cause Max can't stand the idea that someone would reject the possibility of having a happy family. 'Cause she didn't have one herself, remember. She breaks into Elena's now-abandoned apartment, where she finds photos of Elena and her dad. And a train schedule. Max heads down to the train station to see Elena pulling a briefcase out of a locker. Max follows her onto the train, where The Battle Of The Tough-Talking Urban Latina Bad-Asses ensues. Max wants to know whether it was her hate or the money that made her do it. Elena says it was both. Max throws the suitcase of money off the train and tells Elena that at least she still has her hate. You showed her, girlfriend. And where was Rosie Perez anyway? She really should have been in on that.
Oh my god, Logan is crying. Sensitive, tough, rich, good-looking, and a freedom fighter. My mother is calling the yenta right now. Anyway. Herrero sent him a package thanking him for reuniting him with his daughter, and gives Logan information that proves that some guy running for police commissioner is responsible for the death of a Seattle DA. Aw, Herrero was rejoining the fight for freedom of the press. Too bad his daughter offed him. Then Herrero says "B.F.F., right?" And Logan gets teary again at all the Irony.
Back at the messenger center, Sketch is trying to recruit Max into scamming casinos with him. And what role would Sketch play that plan? Standing outside like last time? Max blows him off. OC explains that the society they live in is C.R.E.A.M., which she nicely translates into American Sign Language for the hearing-impaired audience members. So, yes Cash Rules Everything Around Me. I hope the Wu Tang Clan gets some royalties for that. Eyes Only busts in on the TV screen, telling the world that the guy running for police commissioner is a bad bad man, and that Robert Herrero busted him and was killed for his trouble. Max goes to sit on the Space Needle for awhile. She thinks about her birthday. April Fool's Day? No. Her life is enough of a joke. She decides she was born yesterday. She is concentrating so hard that she doesn't see me sneaking up behind her and preparing to shove her off the damn Space Needle. I have to. The show will never end otherwise.