Thanks to Methos for explaining that the Dark Angel writers really do listen to Wu Tang. I now bring you the most boring episode of any TV show ever...
It was a dark and stormy night. A young Latina woman walks along the street. Alone. In the dark and storm. She is approached by a homeless man. Can't you just feel the foreshadowing? Ooh, I'm getting tingly. If by "tingling" you mean "sleepy." The homeless man tells her that he had a sister that looked like her who died in the Tallahassee food riots. I guess the writers gave him that line so we would know that times were tough. 'Cause it is a little hard to tell what with all that dirt, filth, homelessness, grifting, squatting, and crime around. Anyway. The girl gets kidnapped. Are you surprised? I'm not. So the girl is nabbed and taken to a room where, lo and behold, it turns out that Captain EO kidnapped her. Lucky girl. It seems that she, Elena, approached Captain EO's people because he aired a broadcast that mentioned her father, Robert Herrero, who was a journalist. Captain EO affirms that they were colleagues back in the days of the Pacific Free Press. Elena wants to find out what happened to her father, who was "disappeared" over two years ago. She can't get over it. She must find out The Truth. Captain EO points out that he's not an investigator. She realizes this, but points out that he's in "the truth business," like her father.
The scene shifts to show Captain EO watching this over and over in his apartment. He looks concerned. As does Max when she realizes her that tough girl Latina lover position may be in jeopardy. So she decides to be catty ('cause that always works, ladies!), and rolls her eyes and asks if he's still thinking about helping the daughter of the "disappeared crusading journalist guy." The Captain gives her the stink-eye and rolls over her toes a few times. Well, okay, not really. He shows her pictures that Elena sent of her and her father when she was a little kid. He tells Max how everyone wanted Herrero dead: cops, robbers, monkeys. Everyone!
(One quick aside: I was watching this on tape, and when I stopped the video to go make a cup of coffee (for obvious reasons), Regis Philbin popped on the screen, and I mean popped, because his eyeballs were popping out of his bumpy little head at Charlize Theron. Who decided it was a good idea not to wear a brassiere under her tight shirt on national television. And we're not talking the Tonight Show here, folks. It's 9:21 in the morning. I'm just saying.)
Captain EO is still talking about how Herrero was so great at digging up dirt on people that he gave everyone who was dirty a reason to kill him. And someone finally did it. Max mentions that it sounds like it's right up EO's alley, because it's so depressing. She continues to flip through the pictures of Elena's happy childhood until she has a flashback of her unhappy childhood. 'Cause she had an unhappy childhood, doncha know. There's some random black-and-white memory of Max as a child trudging through the cold with guns and fatigues, and they find a red balloon and they can't have it so they kick someone, and then they see Lydecker, and then they let the balloon go. As the trip down memory lane ends, Captain EO is saying that he really feels for this girl, and she has a hole in her life that she'll never be able to fill. He must help her find her father. The timing of this l'il speech was strange, because it seemed like he was talking about Max, but he was talking about Elena. Hmm. Oh that's right, I don't care. Max says that if he helps Elena, at least he'll help her get rid of the question marks. Then she turns the conversation back to herself, and Captain EO says he's been investigating the whereabouts of her birth mother, but he needs to know Max's birthday. She doesn't know when it is. 'Cause she had an unhappy childhood, doncha know. She asks him when his birthday is. Turns out it's November 11th. She hands him an early birthday present, a grapefruit, which is a rare commodity she found down at the market on Fremont. And, there we go, ladies and gentlemen: that is the first time in the history of this show that they have mentioned a location that actually exists in Seattle. Bravo. He tells her she should pick a birthday, because life's rough and at least you should get some presents.
Ooh, the Rockettes are on the Today show. They're dressed up like reindeer. You know, I'm not really bummed that I am too short to be a Rockette.
Back at the messenger center, the (ahem) Jamaican man is asking around for cash. And Sketchy actually has some to give him. Everyone is stunned. Even the guy who got the cash is in shock and, as he is wont to do, makes some religious statement about how Jah gives every man a day in the sun. A random bike messenger snarks, "Not in Seattle." Which was actually almost funny. But I couldn't summon up the energy to laugh. Sketchy bikes up to some random door, knocks, and is given a package. The up-to-no-good music is playing, so I know he is up to no good.
Captain EO meets up with his friend the detective to try to get the dirt on Herrero. Seems that the police department didn't like Herrero very much either, so his disappearance was not investigated very wholeheartedly. And no, Captain, you can't look at the case file, it's sealed. And no wonder the cop's not jumping out of his pants to help you, you're completely loaded and you bought him a Heineken. And then you give his kid a GameBoy? I mean, yeah, it's color, but it's got to be at least twenty years old. Oh, Captain EO, you're letting me down.